01x02 - The Invincible Armada

[bunniefuu]

[elevator beeps]

[sighs]

[elevator beeps]

[tense music]

[exhales]

[snickers]

[clears throat]

[knocking on door]

[in French]

[in English]
Hey, man. Are you a ninja?

-No, no.
-[laughs]

Torsten, Michel.
Michel, Torsten.

That's great.

-Wow!
-What I can do for you, man?

What can you do for me?
Good question.

I'm coming with these big...

Oh, my God. Is that for me?

From me, for you.

[gasps]

Thank you so much.

Dude, you don't even know what
that means, that one's a keeper.

-Yeah.
-You should really, wow.

That's so sweet.

Okay, what are you doing here,
man?

-So?
-Oh, yeah.

I've come
with special instructions

from Ingeborg
for the presentation.

Okay. What are Ingeborg's
instructions?

Right.

"That presentation is crucial.

No mistakes. No second chances."

-What are you doing?
-She gave me these precise

-instructions for eye contact.
-Oh, okay.

"If you f*ck it up,
I'll send you to f*cking hell.

Except if I'm in a bad mood,

then I'll have you appointed
in Luxembourg."

Honestly, I think that's cruel.

So, you came here
to threaten me?

-Yeah.
-And that's it?

Yeah.

No, wait, sorry.
There's another b*llet point.

She says, "Do not mention
the finning part in the speech."

What? Why?

It's gonna piss off
the Spaniards. You know,

they're fishermen, they make
millions out of finning.

So, don't mention the sharks.

No talking
about contentious issues.

That's rule number one here
at the Parliament.

[in French]

[in English]
Okay, what should we talk

about then? There's nothing else
and it's in ten minutes.

Oh, yeah, sure. I get that.
That's a fair point.

There's nothing about that,
sorry.

Great, Okay.
Good luck, guys. Yeah?

It's been a pleasure
to meet you. Tschüss.

Tschüss, yes.

[laughing]

You speak German. This
is incredible. He speaks German.

-[shushing]
-Thank you.

[in French]

[in English]
Is he recovering from a stroke

or something?

No, he's in full capacity
right there.

[in French]

[clapping]

[in English]
Rafael Caral,

for a point of order.

-What's going on here?
-It's a point of order.

MEPs can intervene
by clapping whenever.

Oh. Weird.

[speaking in Foreign Language]

The member from
the Catalan Independence Party

is again speaking in Catalan,

not an official language
of the EU!

What the member representing the
oppressed Catalan minority...

[mic static]

[arguing indistinctly]

[in French]

[in English]
Regional identity, it's called.

[in French]

[speaking in Foreign language]

[cell phone pings]

[in English]
I'm gonna go hide

for a while, Okay?

[in French]

[tense music]

[in English]
Can you stop following me, man?

I have to.
Ingeborg is now tracking you

through my phone GPS.
There we go.

[clears throat]

[in robot voice] "The Spanish
are going to strike back hard.

If you f*ck up
the compromise meeting,

I will terminate you
and your MEP."

[in normal voice] Yeah, I know.
I just like taking on

that robot voice
when she makes me do things.

And also it worked well
with the word 'terminate'.

What's a compromise meeting?

[laughs]

[in French]

[in English]
Oh, come on, man, like...

How am I supposed to know
that you don't know that I know,

I mean, that's
a very confused situation.

[tense music]

[in French]

[snorts]

[snickers]

[in English]
Okay, all I'm asking is that

you help me with
the first steps, that's all.

[keyboard clicking]

Is that your boss?

She looks very different now.

It was ten years ago when
she was a soft Eurosceptic Tory.

-What happened?
-I don't know.

It happened so fast.

She just spent more
and more time on the Internet,

surfing weird websites
and reading articles written

by Boris Johnson
about condom sizes

and banana shapes.
I didn't react at first,

because it all sounded
so ridiculous,

but then when I finally realized
what was happening,

[deep inhale]

it was too late...
She was too far gone.

She even radicalized online.

I'm sorry.

Okay. So, could you just tell me
what the first thing

I need to do is
and I'll leave you alone?

When do you meet
the other groups?

Tomorrow morning.

First thing to do is get
your political adviser on board.

Yeah,
Ingeborg asked me to do it.

Ingeborg is very not
from your group.

Okay, yeah, of course,
she's not...

And, out of curiosity,

where would I find
my political adviser?

Rose?

[keyboard clicking continues]

Okay, I'll let you do
your good work. [chuckles]

Thank you very much.

[in French]

[groans]

[sighs]

[in English]
It's okay, I'm fine. I'm really,

She told me that I had to have
my political adviser on board.

But, apparently,

Ingeborg is not the political
adviser for my group.

Yeah, I know. She's not.

You knew that too?

Thanks, man.

That's awful.
I'll have two more.

No, I'm fine.

They're for me.

So, you're sure
that my political adviser

is gonna show up here?

Maurice? Free wine.

Did Michael Jackson ever miss a
kids' Xmas party at the office?

I don't think Michael Jackson
had an office.

-What?
-This girl. This girl.

-She's checking you out.
-I think I know her.

Why is she staring at me
like that?

Nordic girls
can be pretty aggressive.

Oh, Okay. [giggles]

What should I do?

She's coming over.

Oh, f*ck, man. I feel like
an object. It feels bad.

-Hi.
-Oh, hey!

[giggling]

Do you want some white?

Are there two Polish guys
waiting to k*ll me

and steal my genitals

[chuckles]
once you've got me drunk?

No. [awkward laugh]

That's what you would say
if there were.

Okay. I'm just gonna leave you
with your friend.

-No.
-No, it's Okay.

Samy.

Swedes are into
that consent thing big time.

You forgot your bottle.

[laughing]

I think you're a funny guy.

You don't need
to feel threatened by me

because I'm h*m*.

I don't feel threatened by you.

Well, I'm not totally sure yet.
I might not be g*y.

Still not threatened.

I'm also thinking of, like,
having a sex change this summer.

Wow. That's very cool.

The restaurant
I told you about...

Do you have painful periods?

[burps]

-I'm sorry, I just...
-No,

I'm just gonna see you later.

That was a pleasant moment
for everyone, man.

Maurice! Maurice!

This is your political adviser.

[in French]

[in English]
He hates me, man.

Oh, sh*t.

It's bad, right?

They're packing up, man.
Just wait.

[quirky music]

[in French]

[sniffs]

[laughing]

[chuckles]

[indistinct yelling]

[in English]
So...

You really traded an innocent
girl for some political support.

That's wild.

I didn't trade anyone.

I just left a party
because I was tired

and I have an important meeting.

[laughing]

That's not the way
I'll recount it in my memoirs.

No one is gonna buy
your memoirs anyway.

That's some serious
hand-washing, Pontius Pilate.

-Hey!
-Hey!

You forgot something.

[camera clicking]

[moans]

-Is this really happening?
-Yes.

[giggles]

Don't tell anyone, Okay?

You said I had forgotten
something?

-The kiss!
-Oh, the kiss!

[giggling]

[tense music]

-I think I need another drink.
-I think I need another job.

[in French]

[in English]
Can you put the smile away,

please? It's a ghastly sight
this early in the morning.

Whoa. Okay.
Sorry, I think I found love.

The Swedish girl?

You told her?

-No.
-He did.

What's the secret anyway?
No one cares.

-Why are you so angry, then?
-I'm not angry.

Really? I can't tell
if it's your angry face

or if it's your normal face that
always looks angry. [chuckles]

-Did you have wild sex?
-No.

Which party is she from?

The Democrats of Sweden
or something.

Why didn't you have sex?

Because I am staying in a dorm
at a youth hostel [chuckles]

and her mom
was sleeping at hers.

Plus, it's not about that.

We talked all night.

She's so nice, she's funny...

She's a n*zi.

What?

The Democrats of Sweden
are Nazis.

They cannot be Nazis because
Nazis don't exist anymore.

Nazis aren't like dodos
or polar bears.

They can disappear
and come back again.

They're democrats and Swedish,
two things everybody loves.

Yeah. That's because everything
is the opposite

of what it's named here.

What?

The Ocean Preserver Association,
from which you copied

amendments, is the lobby
of the fat polluters

riding big boats
and using electric fishing.

The Democrats of Sweden

who sit in the Nations
and Freedom for Europe Group

are Nazis who hate freedom,
Europe and other nations.

Your group is the Direct
Democracy for Freedom in Europe

so, you're Nazis too.

No, we're not Nazis. We're
confused, it's very different.

She cannot be a n*zi,
because she is the kindest girl.

She strokes my hair. She
loves it when I talk in French.

-Did you try German?
-[laughs]

That's offensive.

But it's funny.

Because it's mean.

Since when are you two friends?

-We're not.
-We're best friends.

Anyway. I have an important
compromise meeting

to attend and sharks to save,
so if you'll excuse me.

Maurice!

What are we gonna do now,
best friend?

Absolutely not.

Maurice.

[in French]

[grunting]

[tense music]

[door slams shut]

[muffled yelling]

[upbeat music]

[speaking in Foreign Language]

[arguing indistinctly]

[upbeat music]