05x06 - Who Are We?

[bunniefuu]

["Got to Change"
by Caribou playing]

[energetic electronic music]

♪ And I know
it's got to change ♪

♪ And I know
it's got to change ♪

♪ And I know
it's got to change ♪

♪ And I know
it's got to change ♪

♪ And I know
it's got to change ♪

[electronic music intensifies]

♪ And I know
it's got to change ♪

[inaudible shouting]

♪ And I know
it's got to change ♪

[music softens]

♪ And I know
it's got to change ♪

[music building]

♪ And I know
it's got to change ♪

♪ And I know
it's got to change ♪

♪ And I know
it's got to change ♪

[inaudible arguments]

♪ And I know
it's got to change ♪

♪ And I know
it's got to change ♪

[music continues]

[music stops]

[Cunner, in English]:
Well, you're a coach.

You okay with diving
if it gets you a win?

-Well, a win's a win, boys.
-f*ck off.

All's fair in true love and w*r.

What you gonna lay
on the ice, old man?

No, you never f*ck'
lay on the ice.

-Yeah, but you'll take a dive.
-Well, I'll stick ya

in the face,
I'll spear ya in the nuts,

whatever it takes to get ya
to retaliate, but I dunno.

I'd rather lose honourably
than win dishonourably.

You?

[siren whoops]

-Hockey players.
-You said we understood each other.

-They're all the same.
-I'm sorry.

Oh, the guys drinking
from a trophy all over town

for two months can't be trusted.
I'm shocked!

-This game is over.
-Hold on!

-Should have never started.
-You're right.

-I know I'm right.
-[Cat]: We couldn't say no

-to the donation, Kelly.
-When's the last time you read

something good about
a hockey player?

[Cat]: I know.
I should have listened.

Clearly a culture problem
with the sport.

-I'm sorry.
-Just... what are we doing?

-It's not up to me.
-Sergeant's on the way.

-Doug?
-No, he was promoted.

-It's Shawn now.
-Which Shawn?

New guy.

[police radio chatter]

[Mason]: What a p*ssy.

-[Teppo]: Seriously?
-Guy's losing his mind.

-You have one job. One job!
-Keep them in control.

-Yeah, scream at a cop.
-That'll get ya a long way.

-In a foreign country no less.
-Take a log off the fire, bud.

-What a loser.
-In Finland, you get three

gourmet meals a day in jail.

Maybe he's just tired
of Sudbury food.

Gotta say, gents, this is
already worth the trip home.

I knew Shoresy
wouldn't disappoint.

I expected a scrappy game but...

-She's scrappy, all right.
-I did not expect a scrap

-before the game started.
-That's what you get for

trashin' North American hockey
for the last month.

-Pigeons.
-Wonder what Shoresy's

-next trick is?
-More of the same.

-You think?
-First period, k*ll some guys.

-[whistle screeches]
-Yup.

-Who's got a lip dinger?
-Just a big lip boomer.

I'm Jory Jordan with
the Sudbury Kids Sports Report.

On Location.
I'm told Anik Archambault

of BROdude Sports
is also covering today's event

and I'll be giving her an earful
the first chance I get

after fumbling
my first appearance on BROdude

this summer.
Bitter? Perhaps.

I got here off of
views and clicks,

she got here off of
nudes and dicks.

I got here off
of plugging vlogs,

she got here off
of sucking hogs.

Sure, we're both here
'cause of the gift of gab.

Our silver tongues.
But mine was used

for profound journalism.
Hers was used on the penises,

or otherwise, of people who hire
profound journalists.

Stay tuned.
[Fan]: Let's go, NOSHO!

f*ck the EU!
You know what to do! Woo!

[group cheers] [Mo]:
Bulldogs faithful found their way.

[crowd chattering]

[Mo]: Must make you
feel pretty good.

[Anik]: Shoresy!

Compliments on
the cotton candy blue.

-It's a pale turquoise.
-Give me a quick one.

-Later!
-Come on, man.

After!

Hey, Kyle, I see
you met Teppo Maki.

-[Kyle]: Psycho Maki.
-Well, you're a cop.

Throw one of those
Hannibal Lecter masks on him.

[Kyle]: Wish I could
throw one on you!

Oops, looks like we've
overlapped with BROdude Sports.

What an opportunity
for the SKSR Live,

and for me, to give a lesson
in broadcasting to the anchor

known in professional circles
as "Panic Archambault."

-Remember me?
-Uh, Jordan, right?

My last name, yes, like Michael.

-Michael B., Montell.
-Right, your name's Jory.

Chalk one up
for Eats d*ck Archambault.

-Pardon me?
-Anik, I got here through

hard work
and saving my allowance.

You got here through
sleeping with dozens

of your superiors,
possibly several dozens.

Care to comment?

Well, that...
Oh!

-[police radio chatter]
-Sergeant's coming.

-What's his name again?
-Shawn.

-That Shawn.
-We want everyone out of here.

-Well, this isn't good.
-Can we get everyone out of here, please?

-[Shawn]: We can talk about it.
-You've done it before,

you can do it again.
Everyone out.

-Everyone is a lot of people.
-[Cat]: We had an agreement.

-Is the agreement in writing?
-Are you serious?

-No!
-That's gonna hurt us here.

-You're serious.
-There's a lot more people here

than church league, Kelly.
You want me to just

boot 'em all out?
How do think that's gonna go?

You were told clearly.

My guys will stick around
for the game

and make sure everyone leaves
in good time afterwards.

There is a 50/50 draw,
half to the fans, half to us.

Our half is yours.

[Kelly huffs]

-Oof...
-You're still standing.

-Kind of.
-We'll get the cuffs off your guys.

-The cuffs were a bit dramatic.
-Zip-ties.

They get a good story out of it.

Should throw some
on that nutbar.

[Teppo]: Do your job!
Do your job!

-Thank you.
-My guys like your guys.

[Shoresy talking calmly]

They think it's cool
the Bulldogs know their names.

[exhales]

Three cheers for casual sex.

-Okay. All right, I got 'em.
-You keep your eyes on them.

Okay, yep.

[skates scratch on ice]

This is f*ck' crazy.

You've seen crazier, Vinnie.

We either call the game
or we start with a clean slate.

-We're not callin' the game!
-Yeah, EU coach agrees.

All right.

We're goin' five on five here!

[crowd cheering loudly]

["Entrance"
by OddKidOut playing]

[bassy electronic music]

[inaudible]

[music building]

Let's k*ll some guys.

[electronic music continues]

[crowd shouting]

[whistle screeches]

[electronic music continues]

[whistle screeches]

[Shoresy]: Refs are really
lettin' it go, eh?

Well, ya f*ck'
k*lled some guys.

-We're down by two, old man.
-Oh what, two whole goals?

-[Michaels]: Get a couple now, boys.
-Huh?

-Don't wait.
-[Shoresy]: We piss two goals.

-Keep it simple, boys.
-Beat 'em up.

-Jim.
-Yeah.

-Jim.
-Yes.

-Jim.
-What's up, Shoresy?

-What's goin' on, buddy?
-Nice work, Jims!

-Freisen, where's your brother?
-He had to go pee.

I think you can dig
a little deeper.

How 'bout havin' three
lines of f*ck' K*llers?

[Mo]: It's a luxury.
[Shoresy]: Huh?

[in French]: Blessed.

[in English]: Hey,
how 'bout bein' three

deep with straight
f*ck' K*llers?

-They're still comin', Shoresy. They're tough.
-They're not scared of us.

-Make 'em scared of us!
-Hit everything, b'ys!

Hard on the body! Soften 'em up!

We need goals to win games,
Shoresy.

What do you think, Big Mo?

Haven't k*lled enough guys yet.

Well...

Let's k*ll some more guys!

[electronic music resumes]

[crowd cheering]

How d'ya like that,
ya f*ck' Euro!

[electronic music continues]

[crowd cheers]

[announcer]: Delaney down
the right wing has a shot

just wide, and Sylvestri
barrels into Cederstrom.

This will draw a crowd!

[Anik]: Refs have let this one
get a wee bit out of hand.

[electronic music continues]

[EU players cheer]

[buzzer honks] [Jack]: Refs
are really lettin' them play, eh?

Not good, boys. Not good,
not good, not good.

-Real bad.
-Eh, Jackie?

-You said it, buddy, not good.
-One goal on Cederstrom

-through five periods total is...
-Dog sh*t.

Not substantial.

Got the stud leadin'
the league in rookie scoring

right here.
What do they do, Jackie?

You're an all-star, eh Jackie?

Yeah, what's your secret,
Jackie boy?

-Keep it simple.
-How do you do that?

[crowd cheering]

[Shoresy]: All hockey players
love scoring goals.

That's what keeps us all
coming back, that feeling.

-I know.
-Get back to that.

-Keep it fun.
-What's fun?

-Scoring goals.
-Scoring f*ck' goals.

-Can't overthink it.
-You started playing hockey

-to score goals.
-Don't overcomplicate it.

You f*ck' idolized
the guys that score goals.

-Just do something good.
-Just go get that feeling.

Love scoring goals.

This is fun.
[players]: Oh, yeah.

[Shoresy]: This is total
f*ck' buy-in.

[in French]: One time!
[overlapping chatter]

[in English]: f*ck' eh, boys!

Like, first period
we k*ll some guys.

Didn't k*ll enough guys
in the first,

so period two,
we k*ll some more guys.

Period three?

Make sure they never
forget who you are.

-Who are we, Big Mo?
-Sudbury boys.

-Ah, the Sudbury boys.
-I like that. That's good.

That's who we are.
Dolo, who are ya?

-Rapper from Blainville, bro.
-Goody, who are you?

Six Nations gonna gobble up

all the Cree in
Sault Ste. Marie.

-Who are you?
-Never-misses-the-mark Mi...

[Shoresy]: Shut the f*ck up,
Michaels. [players chuckle]

Freisen, where's your brother?
[Freisen]: He had to pee.

-Who are ya?
-Freezer Twins.

-Gord, who are ya?
-Islander. Seafood guy.

-Big swingin' d*ck.
-Sly Sylvestri, who are ya?

I'd tell ya, but put
a hockey stick in my hand

and I become a completely
different person.

Who are the Jims?

[players]: The Jims
are such f*ck' beauties!

Schnurr, you old f*ck,
who are ya?

-Thousand games in the show.
-I got a few more to go.

Delaney, ya f*ck' coke head,
who are you?

The guy who's buyin' lappies
for anyone who scores today.

-Palmer, who are ya?
-The guy that really wants to score now.

-[all]: Yeah!
-Hitch, who are ya?

The captain of this ship,
old man!

-[Shoresy]: Who are ya, Big Mo?
-Shoresy's big brother.

[Shoresy whimpers]

-Who are you?
-Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

I'm Mo's little brother.

Good, ya know who ya are.
Who are we?

We're the NOSHO f*ck'
North Stars, boys!

Let's make sure they never
forget who we are!

[players whooping and clapping]

Delaney... Delaney,
I gotta know,

you begged me to stay
on this team.

You fought three
basketball players for it.

You're here for the strippers
and nothing more, aren't ya?

-There's another reason.
-What?

Love scorin' goals.

["Denmark/Van Gogh & Gone"
by Psychedelic Porn Crumpets]

♪ I want you to see ♪

♪ In my window ♪

♪ And lose all your bones ♪

♪ And all your skin ♪

♪ Feel like you can float ♪

[dreamy music]

[inaudible]

[inaudible shouting]

[dreamy music continues]

[skates scratching]

[whistle screeches]

[whistle screeches]

[dreamy music continues]

[music intensifies]

[inaudible]

[crowd cheers]

[dreamy music continues]

[exuberant cheering]

[dreamy music continues]

[cheering]

[whistle screeches, music stops]

[players shouting]

-Dive!
-f*ck!

-Dive!
-Dive!

-Dive!
-[whistle screeches]

[in French]:
That's a f*ck' dive!

[in English]: f*ck' bullshit!
[all shouting in disapproval]

[in French]: What a dive,
Christ.

[announcer, in English]:
Tough angle

from our vantage point.

Did you see it at ice level,
Anik?

[Anik]: Yeah, it was a dive.

[announcer]: Ah yeah,
there it is.

Clear embellishment
from that angle.

Ref could've taken 'em both.

[Anik]: I would have just took
the Euro for that performance.

[announcer]: The refs have
really been letting 'em play all game.

The EU fooled them
with this one.

[whistle screeches]

[indistinct shouting]

[EU players cheering]

[whistle screeches]

[buzzer honks]

[players continue cheering]

[whistle screeches]

[players]: Good game. Good game.

[indistinct chattering]

-Good game.
-Good game.

-Coach.
-Good game.

[Shoresy]: Thank you.

[distant sirens wailing]

I tried to give you
as much time as possible,

but I'm freezing my t*ts off.

Well, no one wants that!

Shoresy, really tough loss
to say the least,

on a clear embellishment
from Hakohrju.

Diving's part of the game now.

Unfortunately so, but that's
an especially ugly way to lose.

-Yeah, I hate losing but...
-I hate losing but?

Since when is there a "but"
on the end

of that sentence for you?

Well, sometimes there's more
important things.

Like what?

Like beating a c*ck opponent
into submission?

Our cameras caught you saying
"thank you" to Teppo Maki

-in the handshake.
-Yeah.

What on earth were you thanking

that embalmer-looking
d*uche bag for?

I was asked a question recently

and I didn't have an answer.

What was the question?

I'd rather lose honourably
than win dishonourably. You?

Teppo gave you your answer?

["Tell Me [Anew]"
[by ford. playing]

[emotional electronic music]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

[music continues]

[inaudible conversation]

[emotional electronic
music continues]

[music continues]

[music stops]

[SportsCentre theme music]

-Welcome back!
-It's the Jay Onrait show

with Jay Onrait,
presented by Jay Onrait,

brought to you by Jay Onrait.

Let's dive right into the news
of the day

with our director of scouting,
Craig Button. Craig,

how did you spend your
Sudbury Saturday night?

Watching the NOSHO
North Stars serve a healthy dose

of North American brand hockey

to the EU All-Stars.
Where else would I have been?!

On a network that shall
not be named, of course.

-Jay, what can we say?
-That was a real treat.

That was a w*r!

[heavy rock music plays]

[Craig]: You know,
we've spent time

talking about aspects
of the North American game

and how they've fallen
by the wayside

for one reason or another.

[Jay]: For better or for worse.

[Craig]: The NOSHO North Stars

proved that the North American
game is not dead.

[Jay]: I haven't seen that much
slashing since

the Friday the 13th
marathon on Spike TV!

[Craig]: Oh, they gave 'em
lumber.

Well, in today's game, graphite.

[Jay]: You gotta wonder where
they found those psychos?!

The Sudbury church league!

When you deal with the devil,
you're ready for anything!

[laughs] -Yeah, we've
all heard about them.

Some guys, you put a hockey
stick in their hands,

and they become a completely
different person.

I heard that
from someone else once.

Good guy. Great one.

The NOSHO may not have
pulled out the win,

but boy oh boy,

those guys from up north proved

that our brand of hockey
is alive and well.

-Well said, my friend.
-Well said.

[Nat]: Your half of the 50/50.

Thank you.

Let's talk.

[Nat]: You said,
"When was the last time

you read something good
about a hockey player?"

I'll acknowledge there's
some bad stuff out there.

-Some?
-Kelly.

You said hockey players
are all the same.

That there's a culture problem
with the sport.

And that's where
I'm going to stop you.

I've been around hockey players
a long time,

and I know that the culture
is very important to them.

["Past Time" by Willo playing]

So, I'm here to defend it.

I wanna tell you about my guys.

[stimulating electronic music]

[Nat]: They're not perfect.
I'll say that loud and clear.

They're flawed,
just like the rest of us.

But hockey players
are not all the same.

[indistinct shouting]

[electronic music continues]

[Nat]: They have their on-ice
styles and personalities.

And they're married to them.
They can't help it.

[electronic music continues]

But off the ice,
my guys are always growing.

My guys have taught me that

hockey players can be
more than sluts.

They've taught me hockey
players can be many things.

They're community members.

They take care of the people
that take care of them.

[boisterous laughter]
[Nat]: Like Emily.

And Kevin.

And Santiago and Jorge.

[crowd cheers] They're
loyal to their community,

and their community
is loyal to them.

And while always
being there for Sudbury...

[electronic music continues]

They're always there
for each other.

That's the culture of hockey.

Loyalty. Dependability.
Team first.

[players cheer]

You guys wanted a peaceful
environment at your rink,

and my guys didn't bring that.
I'm sorry.

Some guys play like psychos.

But away from the game...

my guys are family men

who call their parents and cry

when they talk about
their siblings.

But they can also be who
you saw at the rink yesterday.

K*llers.

And the world needs
people like that.

[crowd cheers]

[Nat]: People who,
in service of others,

will disregard themselves.

[crowd jeers]

[Nat]: People who will give
their blood, their sweat.

People who will push
through the pain.

The world needs fighters.

So, you see,

hockey players
are not all the same.

And the culture of hockey
is just fine.

That's what my guys
have taught me.

[electronic music continues]

[electronic music continues]