01x02 - LA Story

[bunniefuu]

Toast. How are you

finding Uncle Sam?

Who?

Uncle Sam. The old US of A.

It's exactly as I expected.

Well, you know what they say.

Sorry, who is this?

It's Ed.

Calling collect from England.

You haven't forgotten me already,

old chap? Oh, yes. Sorry, Ed.

Found anywhere to stay?

Listen, guess who's landed a role

in the latest Star Wars movie.

I'll give you a clue.

Not only is he a great actor,

but also a good friend of yours.

Hopkins?

No.

Ian McKellen?

No.

Tom Conti?

No!

Wow, you've stumped me there, Toast.

Not only is he a fantastic actor,

but also a great friend of yours.

Patrick Stewart?

No! f*cking hell, Ed, it's me.

Ah.

Found anywhere to stay yet?

Well, Ed, as luck would have it,

I sat next to this chap,

Russ Nightlife, on the plane.

He reckoned he needed the rent,

so he give me his address.

That's a stroke of luck.

Strange thing is, he disappeared

halfway through the flight.

I didn't even see him

get off the plane.

That's odd. Have you reported

this to the police?

To the LAPD?

To the FBI?

Calm down, Ed, I think someone might

have watched too much of The Quincy.

So how are you enjoying

the climate, Toast?

Is it always this hot?

You've got some mail.

Really? What is it?

It's just a postcard.

Not worth forwarding on.

Well, who's it from?

It's from Greta Thunberg.

She must know you're

a climate sceptic.

Well, with this heat, I'm beginning

to think Greta has a fair point.

Look, I can't talk to you any

longer, I'd better get back

to the apartment

to see Russ Nightlife.

All the best.

I say, waiter!

Is it always this hot?

My previous roommate was in

the apartment for six months.

He died. Kounis syndrome.

Poor Kounis.

That wasn't his name.

It's the disease he died of.

Oh, sorry, I thought

it was his name.

No, his name was Razzmatazz.

Hercule Razzmatazz.

Thanks for letting me stay, Russ.

You've done me a huge favour.

Did I mention I've got a large part

in the new Star Wars movie?

Yeah. Sure.

Out of interest,

why did you disappear

halfway through the flight?

One minute we were chatting

OK, Toast, I'll level with you.

I don't have many rules

or regs here,

but I've got to insist that my

roommates be respectable and neat.

You got that?

Understood.

I also don't want you bringing back

any g*dd*mn hook-ups.

Hook-ups?

That's right.

I'm not up to speed

on your situation,

but looking at you, I'm guessing

that you're a single guy.

I don't mean to smash

your action,

but I've got to keep it clean.

I can't have any strangers

in this apartment snooping around.

So no strangers, no snooping,

and no g*dd*mn hook-ups.

Fair enough.

Erm, I'll use a motel.

Anyhoo, here's the key.

What?

I'm just fooling around.

That's a joke key.

Oh!

We don't use a key any more,

we use a code.

Will you remember that?

No!

I'm going to text it to you.

All right, I just sent you the code.

I need you to memorise it and then

immediately delete it

from your cell. Capisce?

Capisce.

Ah, I need to take this.

Has he not answered yet, India?

Ugh, no point in getting

him to call me back,

because he's as tight

as a duck's arse,

and they're watertight. Ha!

Is that right, Jane?

I'm guessing you have

tremendous news.

I have tremendous news.

Which is?

Ray Sober is dead.

What?

Ray Sober is dead.

Ray Sober?

Yes, you remember him,

Ray Sober, the actor.

You hated him.

Oh, Ray Sober, yeah.

He was that prick that sent me off

to fetch him a skyhook

and some tartan paint

on my first job.

Ha! The classic fool's errand.

Well, I'm glad he's dead, but why

is that tremendous news, Jane?

Well, Ray Sober was about to star

in a major film over there,

but now, because he's dead,

they fear he won't turn up,

so I reckon you're a shoo-in

for the role.

And apparently, it's going to be the

biggest rom com film of all time.

Rom com?

Do you mean Romley Compton,

the actor?

I didn't even know he was in films.

No, not Romley Compton the actor,

rom com.

It's short for romantic comedy,

like Love Actually

or The Four Weddings

And The Funeral.

I haven't heard

of either of those.

Hang on a second, so I will be

starring in the biggest

science fiction film of all time,

and the biggest rom com film

of all time?

Isn't it amazing?

The biggest science fiction film

of all time

and the biggest rom com film

of all time.

You'll make $1 billion.

$1 billion? Well, I'll take

a pinch of that sh*t.

Ha!

As long as I'm not

playing the butler.

What?

Brits in Hollywood.

They're always playing butlers,

and if not butlers, murderers.

No, no, you won't be

playing the butler.

Well, what's the plan?

Do you remember Brooke Hooberman?

Yes, I remember.

She handles all the Brits

over there.

I'll text you her number.

Call her pronto.

Is it always this hot, Pronto?

Why are you calling me Pronto?

I don't know.

Jane said to call you that.

Is it a nickname or something?

No, don't call me Pronto.

My name is Brooke Hooberman.

May I ask,

is this your permanent office?

It seems to be a car.

I love British actors.

I've handled them over here

for g*dd*mn years.

Peter O'Toole, love him.

Larry Olivier, Ollie Reed,

all great guys.

Are they doing OK?

Well, I hate to be the bearer

of bad news, but

Ray Sober is dead.

Poor b*stard can't do the movie now,

he's dead.

Jane recommended you, and the

director took a look at your reel -

he thinks you're the g*dd*mn guy.

You got a bit of time

before the Star Wars movie, right?

You mean the biggest science fiction

movie of all time?

Yeah, anyway, the director

is Dwight Difference.

I'll arrange a Zoom call with him.

All right. Well, as long as

I'm not playing the butler.

What?

You know, British actors,

always playing the butler

or the m*rder*r.

It is the butler.

You'll be playing the butler.

Right.

But the butler turns out

to be the m*rder*r,

so you're playing the butler

AND the m*rder*r.

I thought it was a rom com.

A what?

Dwight signed up a real A-lister

to play the lead.

This guy wants to meet you before

they officially offer you the part.

Who is this A-lister?

Ah, Dwight's keeping shtoom,

but he's big.

Oh, I need you to do me

a g*dd*mn favour.

What?

Are you friends with David Bowie?

What?

Well, you're from London,

you must know David.

I have something belonging to him.

You know the suit he wore

in the 1983 Serious Moonlight tour?

No.

Well, it's in that suitcase

next to you.

He left it here years ago,

and then he never collected it.

Could you give that back to him

next time you see him in London?

Well, again, I hate to be the bearer

of bad news, Brooke, but

Could you do that for me, Toast?

I've got to meet my next actress.

Right.

You've got to get out,

I've got to meet my next girl.

Oh, right, OK.

Ah, Natasia, great news

about the vampire comedy, huh?

Hey.

Didn't mean to barge in.

Wasn't sure where you were.

Well, you can see me

through the glass.

Could you get that?

Get what?

It's Billy.

Could you just buzz her in?

Who's Billy? What time is it?

It's 6.00am.

What?

Hello?

Yeah, I'm letting you in.

What?

Who is she?

What?

Who is that woman?

Hold on a second.

What were you saying?

Who is that lady?

That's Billy. She helps me out.

Billy, can I have a can of soda?

What do you think of that?

sh*t!

Did you ever do that

at immigration?

No, but as an actor, I've found it

useful for both comedy and drama.

Ah. My agent, checking in.

Your agent?

You with the FBI?

No, my acting agent.

Oh!

I'm just going to go lie down.

He's in a funny mood.

But hey, guess he's always in

a funny mood.

You speak English?

Yeah!

Just not in front

of Russ Nightlife.

It's easier that way.

He's not the kind of person

you want to get into a long

conversation with.

It's best if he thinks

I don't speak English.

Yeah, he is very odd.

Yeah.

He rarely leaves this apartment.

And don't provoke him,

because he'll get frightened

and he'll try to fight you.

You know that whole

fight or flight response

to a tense situation?

Yes.

What would you do?

Well, it would depend

on the situation.

Yeah, he is VERY odd.

Mm.

Hey, you know what? I've got to go

Zoom with this British guy,

so I'll call you back, all right?

Holy Moley!

Holy mackerel.

Oh, my God, Catherine, if you could

see what I'm looking at right now.

He looks like he's calling

from jail.

He looks like a sex nuisance.

Erm, hello there. Just so you know,

you're not muted.

sh*t. Hey, Catherine,

I'm going to call you back.

I am so sorry.

It's OK.

I am incredibly mortified.

I am so sorry.

No. Forget it.

I'm Steven Toast, and I'm assuming

you're Dwight Difference.

I am Dwight Difference, and I am

very excited about the possibility

of us working together.

I met with Brooke Hooberman,

who suggested I get in touch

with you regarding

your new motion picture.

Now, when you mentioned my name,

did she sort of mumble

under her breath,

like kind of a growl?

Now you bring it up,

I think she did.

You know, I've got to tell you,

I love your accent.

I love it.

Can you say something else?

Something else.

You know, I love that.

You know Shakespeare?

Let me hear some Shakespeare.

Yeah.

"Drink provokes the desire

but takes away the performance."

That's from Macbeth.

Is that Shakespeare?

Yes, it is.

Is he English?

Yes, he was.

Did not know that.

That is so cool.

You know something?

You're going to be great in my film.

Not to mention the fact that we have

a major star playing the lead.

Really? Who is it?

I bet you want to know.

I got to tell you this,

he's British, just like you,

and he's a little reclusive,

so he wants to meet you before

I offer you the part.

It's a formality, but everything's

going to be all right, OK?

It's going to be beautiful.

Did I mention I'm starring

in the new Star Wars movie?

Yeah, sure.

All right, so I've got to go.

I will see you at the Canyon Cafe,

4.00 this afternoon.

Say it after me.

Canyon Cafe, 4.00. I'll be there.

I love that accent.

Oh, by the way, remember to wear

some tennis shorts.

Tennis shorts?

Jim!

Hey, Steven.

Nice shorts, man.

I thought you were in Paris.

How's Jane?

Jane's good, yeah.

I'm glad I saw you, hold on.

I'll just give you my

What the f?

Hey!

I'm Nina Armenian,

Dwight's assistant.

All right. Dwight suddenly had to

take a short skiing holiday,

but I'll be organising things

for you today.

He what? He had to suddenly

take a skiing holiday.

He says it's too hot in LA.

Well, he's right about that.

When do I get to meet

this major star?

Our major star is British,

and like a lot of you British guys,

he's kind of eccentric, you know?

And he wants you to

do something for him.

What's that?

He needs to see your knees.

He's got this thing about knees.

Are you serious?

He says the knees have to look right

and not be too distracting,

otherwise it's a deal-breaker.

Well, this is bloody odd.

Not how I thought I'd get my

first major Hollywood movie role.

Never a dull moment in

Hollywood, right?

What?

Follow me, please.

Is that a two-way mirror?

Yes! How did you guess?

He's behind the mirror.

Yeah, I thought so.

This is going so great.

He's now asked if you could turn

and stand in profile.

Bit kinky, all this, isn't it?

Wouldn't be surprised if it was

Mark Rylance behind the mirror.

I know he's into this

kind of rumshenanigan.

He says he's very grateful.

I bet he is.

When do I get to meet him?

Not just yet.

He says he doesn't feel quite ready.

He's sure you understand.

Understand what?

Makes me wonder what kind of crazy

sh*t he'll get up to on set.

Oh, great,

he's got everything he needs.

He says you can go now.

The whole thing was very odd indeed.

Russ, can I ask you

a personal question?

Due to our situation,

it could be relevant.

What is it?

Do you have OCD?

You mean obsessive-compulsive

disorder?

Yes. Do you have OCD?

Why do you ask?

Because you've spelt OCD

with your peas.

Oh, weird.

Didn't know I did that,

but no, I don't have OCD.

Ah, thanks.

Hold on, these shrimps,

are they definitely dead?

Billy, did you get these

from the usual fish place?

Yeah, but are they definitely dead?

I thought I saw some movement,

a sign of life.

Well, they look pretty dead to me.

Well, how do you know?!

Billy, did you get any

documentation certifying

that they're definitely dead?

What did she say?

She said they were caught in Alaska,

so she's guessing

there's a fair chance

they didn't survive the journey.

Toast!

I don't think you appreciate

how serious I am about this.

Jesus, this guy looks like a dog.

That g*dd*mn white streak

makes him look like an as*h*le.

He looks like a f*cking as*h*le,

like skunkhead.

Maybe he's in the witness

protection programme, I don't know.

Maybe he's going through something.

Just so you know, you're not muted.

f*ck me.

All right, I've got to go. Bye.

I am so sorry.

I am terribly, terribly sorry.

You know, I'm juggling my cellphone,

I've got the iPad

It's OK.

These things, they happen.

Now, listen, Toast,

I'm so glad you called.

He wants to meet you.

Who does?

"Who does?" Our g*dd*mn star,

that's who, our A-lister.

He is ready to say hello personally.

Yesterday's knee thing went

so great, and now he thinks

it's time to, you know, finally meet

face-to-face.

Great. When's it happening?

Tomorrow. I'm hosting a big

Hollywood party.

It's a fancy dress party,

a David Bowie-themed fancy

dress party.

Ooh, I like the sound of that.

I'm going as Ziggy Stardust.

Yes, I did think you looked

a little different.

So that look is gone.

You can't look like

Ziggy Stardust, OK?

You need another David Bowie

costume, because as I say,

Ziggy is gone.

No Ziggy. Very well.

This movie's going to be

my best ever, I can smell it.

Great. I did presume you were

going to be here.

I'm actually in Alaska.

It's such a shame I can't meet you

in person, Toast,

but it won't stop me

from enjoying this party.

Anyway, our star

is dying to meet you.

Is he here yet?

I don't see him there.

One thing, Toast, you see anybody

else dressed like Ziggy Stardust,

tell Nina Armenian to throw 'em out,

all right?

Hello?

Hi, I'm Paul Rudd, I'm here

for the Dwight Difference party.

Are you dressed as Ziggy Stardust?

Yes.

I'm so sorry, Dwight's already

selected that costume,

so I'm afraid you're not allowed

to enter the premises.

Drink, sir?

Why not?

I knew David Bowie.

Charming chap.

Always carried expl*sives.

Is it always this hot?

Are you English?

Yes. Is it that obvious?

I'm an actor.

Are you Anthony Hopkins?

No. He's Welsh.

I'm actually here because I'm

starring in the new Star Wars movie.

Yeah, sure.

What did you say?

I said make sure you see

the beautiful garden.

It was actually the first garden

in America, created in 1965.

You never know

who you might see there.

I saw Simon Garfunkel once.

Oh, it's one person?

For years, I assumed

they were a double act.

Anyway, you might bump into

a few celebrities out there.

OK, sounds great.

Do you fancy a stroll?

Sorry, sir, I'm not allowed

to socialise in any way with guests.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.

Ah, wishing well.

So it is.

Ooh!

I knew very little of science

fiction before I accepted the role,

so to win this Oscar

is very special.

Very special indeed.

Thank you.

Hello.

Toast, Toast, snap out of it.

Toast! Snap out of it!

Where a? Where am I?

What the hell happened, Steven?

I was attacked by a man in a

David Bowie Ashes To Ashes costume.

This man?

That's him. That's who attacked me.

sh*t, that's just Daniel

being Daniel.

Who?

Daniel Day-Lewis, you goof.

That's who.

He's the A-lister in our movie.

Daniel Day-Lewis was

the Ashes To Ashes man?

Yes. He just wanted to say hello.

Jesus, I think you might have

blown it, Steven.

I mean, you bit his ear off.

I what?

You lost all control, Toast.

Daniel has gone straight to the

hospital whilst his team search

the gardens for his missing ear.

Really? What the f*ck's

the matter with you?

They've been looking for it

for three hours.

Do you remember biting it off,

Steven? No.

I mean, I may have slightly

panicked, you know,

the fight or flight response

to a tense situation.

I chose fight.

Which was the wrong response.

Yes, in hindsight,

I should have chosen flight.

Do you think this might affect

our movie?

Nina, take me inside.

Yes, Dwight.

No, wait, wait

Dumb Limey as*h*le.

Should've known not to hire someone

who looks like a pimp from the '70s.

Apart from the fight

with Daniel Day-Lewis,

where they claim I bit his ear off,

I'd say the party

was a huge success.

The movie's not going ahead.

Finished.

You messed up big time, buddy.

Daniel Day-Lewis has pulled out.

You bit his g*dd*mn ear off.

He's gone into retirement.

He's never going to make a movie

ever again.

Bit of an overreaction,

wouldn't you say?

You bit his ear off!

I've no recollection

of that at all.

It doesn't matter what you

recollect, you crazy b*stard,

the main thing is the movie

is not happening.

My son-in-law

..is real pissed.

Well, thank goodness I still have

the Star Wars movie

to look forward to.

Have you seen the state

of David Bowie's costume?

What the hell

are you going to tell him?

Tell who?

OK, here's my next meeting.

Good God, it's Edward Fox.

Toast? What the hell

are you doing here in LA?

I'm starring in the new

Star Wars movie.

Yeah, sure.

What's this rumshenanigan

I hear about you

chomping off Daniel Day-Lewis' ear?

The poor bugger just

came out of retirement.

How the hell did you know that?

Toast, your time with me is over.

I'm now in a meeting with

Edward Fox.

Please vacate the vehicle.

Toodle-pip, Toast.

Where's Billy?

Don't worry about Billy.

Billy's going to be fine.

You just concentrate

on standing still,

and put that apple on your head.

You got a problem with that?

If I'm honest, Russ,

it's not really the Tinseltown

experience I imagined.

Just put the apple on your head,

keep the dialogue to a minimum,

and your headstill.

All right.