01x04 - Doctor Grainger

[bunniefuu]

"Jackie Onassis had hidden

the Walther PPK p*stol

in her round hat.

"As the motorcade approached the

Texas Book Depository window,

"she knew this was her only chance

to finally m*rder her husband."

This is bullshit.

Bullshit?

How the hell would he know?

Well, for a start,

her name wasn't Jackie Onassis

when she was married to Kennedy.

It was Jackie Kennedy!

Oh! So, he's a historian

as well as a shitty actor!

OK, but did you know she was having

an affair with Onassis at the time?

No, she wasn't!

She didn't meet Onassis until

many years later.

Come on, you got to help me

out with this guy.

Clem Fandango!

What do you think?

Do I need this sh*t?

Yeah, and who told you Jackie

Kennedy assassinated her husband?

Who told me? A few guys told me.

A couple of guys who were there.

But more importantly,

Arnold Schwarzenegger!

What?!

So, he was there, too, was he?

No, he wasn't there, you as*h*le!

He was married to the Kennedys!

Which one? All of them?

All right, you You know what?

Maybe we should crack on, guys?

You know, hell of a lot

to get through.

Hi, Sola, this is Clem Fandango.

Can you hear me?

Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

What do you

what do you want?

Nothing. I was just making

sure you can hear me.

Look, do we have to use

this Toast guy?

His attitude stinks,

he sounds like George Lazenby,

he's not professional at all,

his delivery is terrible.

And don't get me started

on his hair..

What, is he saying something?

Sorry, I've lost Sola's sound.

Maybe we should continue with me

just reading the book?

OK, Steven, maybe

maybe we do that.

Yeah.

Yeah, we've got another 95,000 words

to get through, Steven.

"She thought of her

millionaire Greek lover

"and of her philandering

presidential husband.

"Soon she would be free of Jack

and enjoying the high life

"on one of Onassis's luxury yachts."

This is so great, Jennifyer.

Can I just ask a question,

Mr Chickentoss?

Call me Richard. Go ahead.

Isn't this more like the kind of

thing a hospital visitor would do

rather than a doctor?

That is such a great question.

But, occasionally, a doctor may

place a vase beside a patient

to make them feel more comfortable

before giving them some

terrible news.

Oh, right.

OK, I get it.

No, they wouldn't

OK. So, everybody,

grab your stethoscopes

from beneath your chairs.

David, you want to try this?

Just place the stethoscope

around your neck

and look concerned.

Uh Steven, we've not

seen much from you today.

Would you like to try that?

Yeah

Wow.

That's very, very good, Steven.

Have you played a doctor before?

No. Uh, well, I

..played a vet in an episode

of The Archers for Radio 4,

but I think they lost the tapes.

I see.

Now, could you try listening?

Yeah.

OK, listening is very important

in doctor acting.

Imagine that a patient

is telling you

his or her terrible symptoms.

Oh!

It's very obvious to me that

you've played doctors before.

It's so obvious.

I haven't.

Follow that!

OK, everyone, that's all for today.

We'll see you tomorrow,

except for Steven.

Honestly

..I have nothing more to teach you.

Good Lord.

Hi, uh, Steven.

I've been doing doctor acting

classes for ten years,

and I have never seen anything

like what you did today.

Really?

I mean, that was nothing.

I'm actually here in the States

because I'm playing the lead role

in the new Star Wars movie.

Yeah, sure

What?

Are you playing Dr Spock?

Doctor who?

Oh, Doctor Who.

I don't think anyone watches

that over here any more.

Anyway, would you mind?

You know, I've been meaning

to ask you a question.

You're an actor. Right.

How do you cry on camera?

Well, it's a good question.

Mostly applies to straight actors,

and by "straight" I'm not referring

to their sexual orientation.

I mean serious dramatic actors.

Actors who cannot do comedy.

Your not funny, so how do you do it?

Well

..I just focus on a spot

in the distance,

I think about snakes, monsters,

aliens - all under my bed -

and when that thought gets

too much, I cry.

Puta de madre!

Hay un hombre ahi abajo

Some guy blocking

the entrance where?

Show me.

Hey!

Get out of there!

You're blocking the entrance

to my building!

What's happening?

Some homeless guy and his mattress

right in front of the

doorway down there.

You believe that sh*t?!

Ugh

How about that, buddy?

Ah! You like that?

Huh? Argh!

Yo conozco ese hombre.

Si

No es tu papa?

Was that man out there your father?

Yeah! So what?!

Haven't seen him in 40 years,

since I was five.

Did he leave home

when you were five?

I left home when I was five.

I had enough of those assholes.

f*ck

Was that really his father?

Can I just start by saying

Mark Ruffalo absolutely

loved your audition. What?

He said he follows you on the

Twitter and the Instagram,

which is where he noticed your tweet

announcing your donation

to his Climate Solutions Project.

How many people retweeted that?

Was it two million?

You're getting me confused

with another actor!

Oh, yeah.

I'm Steven Toast.

Ah, sh*t, so you are, yeah.

I'm getting confused.

It's been a busy morning.

Do you know anyone in LA

with a spare room?

I need to move out.

Russ Nightlife is

driving me crackers.

You want to move out,

you need cash, buddy.

Everybody knows there's money

in playing doctors.

Who knew you'd be such

a g*dd*mn natural?

You sure impressed the hell out

of Richard Chickentoss.

I didn't do anything. I don't know

what all the fuss is about.

Oh, we have to strike while

the iron's red hot, baby!

You know a Bellender Bojangles?

Belinda Bojangles?

No, BELLENDER Bojangles.

Unusual name.

Though, we are in the US of A.

She's producing a new TV show

set in a hospital,

it's the latest vehicle for Carmen.

You've heard of Carmen, right? No.

The audition is tomorrow.

I'm going to call Bellender now.

Brooke! That car!

Bell.

Sure.

Steven! Hi!

My name's Hoop Kaaak -

that's Kaaak with three As -

director of the show.

Bellender's a little late,

but, you know, that's all right.

We can get to know each other

a little bit. Steven!

I'm Bellender Bojangles.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Brooke has told me all about you.

I am so excited to meet you.

This is so super exciting.

Bellender, I love your shoes.

Oh, thank you.

They're the latest thing.

They're based on the horseshoes,

which are actually nailed

on to your foot,

so they're a perfect fit.

It's only very minor surgery, so

Mm, they're great.

Hugs all round.

Oh!

What do we like here, Hoop?

Hugs and smiles!

And what do we do here, Hoop?

We love entertaining people

and we love making TV shows.

Do you want in, Steven?

Uh I'm good, thanks.

I hear you just completed

the doctor acting class

with Rich Chickentoss.

How'd that go for you?

We heard you kicked a*s.

I didn't really do anything.

You are being humble, Steven.

We don't do humble in this town.

Well, actually, the real reason

why I am in this town

is cos I'm starring in

the new Star Wars movie.

Yeah, sure.

Sorry?

Would you like to have a read

of some of the script?

I'll find us some hard copies.

Uh, let me just stop you there,

Hoop, if you don't mind.

Steven, would you be OK with

improvising a little?

What?

I was thinking, you could just say

some general doctor things.

You know, anything you like.

As long as they're doctor related.

Uh

One more thing, Mrs Wisehunt.

Now, I've just seen your X-rays,

and you have six months to live.

Something else.

Are you unwell, Captain?

Oh, that's very good.

Really?

This is amazing. Keep going.

You try any more sh*t like that,

Mrs Greenflash,

and I'll have to take

your temperature.

Oh!

Mother, you've got gout.

Probably due to the amount of whisky

and cigars you consume!

That's so good.

Thank you.

May I ask, to be this good,

I'm presuming you've worked

as an actual doctor, right?

No.

I once played a vet on an episode

of The Archers on Radio 4,

but I think they lost the tapes.

It is uncanny.

I loved how you worked out that not

only that your mother had gout,

but also how she got it.

Genius. Well, thank you.

You know, my own doctor was

just fired for having sex

with his colleague's twin sisters.

Really?

Some guys have all the luck.

I'm sorry.

Yes

Gina, would you tell everybody

coming in later to audition

for the Doctor Grainger part

not to bother?

Ooh, that's good.

I'm presuming you're new to LA,

Steven? Where are you staying?

I'm staying with a friend.

Well, he's not really a friend.

If I'm honest,

I'm desperate to get out.

Well, I think you may be in luck.

I have a great place here

in Beverly Hills,

but I recently moved out

to Santa Monica.

Why don't you stay in my

Beverly Hills apartment?

Really?

It's a fantastic penthouse.

Here, I'll give you the key now.

Thank you.

You can stay there as long as

you want, rent-free obviously.

It's having a multi-million-dollar

refurb at the moment.

But as soon as that's completed,

it's all yours, Steven.

Should only be a couple of weeks.

Sounds splendid.

Welcome aboard, Steven!

My God, you are going to have such

fantastic chemistry with Carmen.

She's in such a great place

right now.

Remarried for the fifth time to

Rodrigos, who we all love dearly.

You guys are going to be

great together.

I'm so super excited to start!

Hot damn!

Thrust?

Steven.

You're here?

I've been here for three hours.

Ah, sh**t! No-one told you?

No.

Oh. Sorry, Steven.

You see, Carmen is always

three hours late.

So, if we say nine o'clock,

we know she'll turn up at 12:00.

I'm so sorry,

someone should have told you.

Hayley.

Why did you forget to tell Mr Toast

not to turn up till 12:00?

Erm

I don't think I was

OK, Hayley.

Now I look like a douchebag

in front of our actor.

So one of us has to leave

the company.

Jesus, that's harsh.

My apologies, Steven.

That obviously won't happen again.

Come on, boys!

Come closer.

You know what turns me on!

So, take your time

Take it slowly

Drink some wine

It is lovely

Let's make love

Nice and sexy

Let's make sex

Nice and naughty

f*ck these b*tches

f*ck 'em in the a*s

on my private jet ♪

What?

# You're economy class

Suck my t*tties

I'll smoke your grass ♪

Jesus.

Losing your mind when

you're eating this a*s ♪

Good God!

When you're eating this a*s!

Eating this a*s. ♪

Hello, everybody! Hola!

Hello!

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

So, Hoop, you want to tell everyone

a little bit about the show?

Yes. I'm Hoop Kaaak -

that's Kaaak with three As -

the director of our show.

It's called The Hospital,

and it's about a hospital in

New York for sick children,

which is run by a very conscientious

doctor, called Doctor Grainger,

who will be played by Steven

Steven, uh?

Toast. Toast.

The hospital has no money,

so the owners are forced to sell

to a glamorous, rich entrepreneur,

called Trace Willoughby,

who is also a super b*tch,

played by the extraordinary Carmen,

who, quite frankly, is no stranger

to playing super b*tches!

I am a super b*tch!

Boo! Boo!

You love it. You love it!

You want it!

Boo!

Trace immediately plans

to knock down the hospital

due to its value as prime

real estate.

But can Doctor Grainger stop her

and save the sick children?

Ooh!

OK, let's start.

Scene one. Interior hospital. Day.

Splendid.

Well, I don't see why we can't

get in touch with your mother

and she'll pick you up

and home you go.

Would you like that?

Excellent.

Doctor Grainger.

You have until next Tuesday to

get rid of these sick children

and find somewhere else to live.

You won't get away with this,

Trace Willoughby.

I'll fight you every step of

the way, you heartless witch.

And I know how your husband died.

Ha! Conrad died of natural causes!

How can an axe to the back of the

head be described as natural causes?

I have one thing to say to you,

Doctor Grainger.

What?

f*ck these b*tches

f*ck 'em in the a*s

on my private jet

You're economy class

Suck my t*tties

I smoke your grass

You'll be losing your mind

when you're eating this a*s ♪

Why does she have to sing a song

in every bloody episode?

It's supposed to be a serious drama.

Cos she's a singer, not an actress.

She's not even Brazilian.

She's Irish.

Well, then, why not hire

a non-singing actress?

Like every other hospital show.

Wait here, Toast.

I got to get my painkillers

out of the trunk.

Right.

Oh!

Ooh! Hey, man.

I don't have any money and

..my mother will be back soon.

Jesus Christ!

Ha! He talks real funny.

Is he from the olden times?

Ew!

Look at all these creepy photos!

See you around, brother.

Must have left them on

the gas station counter.

g*dd*mn it!

So, first show goes out tonight.

You excited?

Yeah.

Ah, give it a couple of weeks,

people start kissing your a*s

when you they see you,

you'll know it's a hit!

Ray ♪

Good grief. Surely not.

Ray ♪

Oh!

Ah! ♪

Hey, Carmen.

What about those sick kids?

You're one shitty lady.

I don't care what

you assholes think.

Why don't you go f*ck yourselves?

Such language!

Not to mention,

those poor sick children.

Who cares? I can get a billion

dollars for that old building.

How do you like that,

you weasel-faced witch?

But we all love you,

Doctor Grainger.

You're my favourite

on the show.

I'm not really Doctor Grainger.

It's a part.

Play along, Toast.

They love it.

Hey, you two! Oh, yes!

Mwah!

Mm!

Oh, God, I love hugging people!

Yes, you do.

So, the show is a huge success.

Are you two getting great feedback?

Everyone loves a super b*tch!

And I hear they love you,

too, Steven.

Well, it's not me, is it?

It's the character.

I've been wondering something,

Steven, what is the whole story

behind the, uh

you know, the white?

I fell out of a tree,

like the Olympic swimmer,

Duncan Goodhew.

OK, listen to this.

I got a letter from a couple who

really love the show, uber fans,

but not only is the guy's mother a

crazy super-duper fan of the show

..but especially of you,

Steven Toast.

Really?

Oh, I got to get this.

It's Rodrigos.

They have a small request.

Would you go and visit his mother

in hospital?

She has not been well lately.

Are you serious? Doctor Grainger

in an actual hospital?

It'll be great publicity

for the show.

Rodrigos is g*y!

I'm sorry?

Rodrigos is g*y!

He just told me!

I am distraught!

I can't live with him any more!

Can I stay in your Beverly Hills

place, please?

Of course.

No

Steven, have you got the key

to my apartment in Beverly Hills?

You haven't moved in yet, have you?

Well, I was planning on

moving in today.

I packed all my belongings

this morning.

Is the key in your apartment?

I think Carmen needs the place

a bit more than you.

I mean, look at her.

He's g*y!

We need that key. Oh!

He has a boyfriend called Carlos!

They've been f*cking for six months!

Toast!

Your stuff is still here.

I thought you were moving out!

Who the hell are these two?!

You can't bring people here!

No-one should know where I am!

Yeah, this is Carmen,

the pop legend.

How can you not know it's me?!

And this is Bell

I'm Bellender Bojangles.

I like to hug people

when I meet them.

No, no, no. Oh, come on.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, he doesn't like

close personal contact.

I say, Russ, you've trodden

on her scarf.

Let me help with that.

Whoa!

sh*t!

Oh!

Oh. That's lucky.

He landed on a soiled mattress.

Who is that old homeless man?

I don't believe it. My boy!

Not now, Dad. Just get off!

That's his father.

Get off!

Don't hug him! He doesn't like

close personal contact!

Hey, Ma?

This here's Steven Toast.

You remember,

you wrote him a letter?

She's a lot older than I expected.

She's 93.

She's been in and out of hospital

constantly for the past, like,

what, 25 years.

She fell down her steps last week.

Now she's completely f*cked.

Look at her.

We've had to visit her a lot.

I mean a lot. Way too much.

We're from New York, so it's

a flight over here to see her.

It's a pain in the a*s

is what it is.

Yeah, but I imagine she can't help

being ill.

Oh, yeah, right. OK, Steven!

Anyways, no point in hanging around.

The knob is there.

All you got to do is turn it to

the right, and it'll all be over.

What?!

It was her last request.

What was?

For you to turn off her

life-support machine!

It was her dying wish!

Hey, look, time's tight here, honey.

We got a plane to catch back home,

for the dogs,

you know what I'm saying?

Hang on. What do the doctors

think of this?

Oh!

My mother hates the doctors, OK?

She could give two shits

what they think.

She didn't want a doctor doing it.

She asked for you.

She loves that show you're in!

Don't do it

She just said something. No

I heard nothing. You hear

something? I heard nothing.

No, nothing.

This is some dark sh*t.

I shouldn't even be here.

What?

Steven! Steven, where you going?!

You come back here!

Yeah, sure, it's odd,

but the main thing is,

the show is a big success.

Yes, it is.

Maybe I should ask Bellender

for a pay rise.

Well, they signed you up

for two seasons,

we agreed the same fee for both.

You want more dollars,

she'll have to change the contract.

Yeah, I can be pretty persuasive

when I try.

Let me have a word with her.

Why are you dressed like a clown?

I'm celebrating. I'm a star now.

You said yourself,

people love my character.

Yes, of course they do, Steven!

It's no secret that Carmen gets paid

a hell of a lot more than I do,

and she's staying in

your fancy mansion.

I'm sorry, the contract

is legally binding,

and there's not a thing

I can do about it.

Bloody irritating.

Come on. Give me a hug.

No, no, I'm not going to fall

for that hug bullshit.

Come on.

Oh, you big bear of a man.

The show is a success.

What more could you want?

Oh. There is another issue

I'd like to talk about.

What issue?

There is a chance

you may be arrested for m*rder.

What?!

That family who contacted you,

did you turn off their mother's

life-support machine?

No, I bloody did not!

Well, she's dead now, so somebody

did, without a doctor present,

which kind of makes it

a criminal matter.

The family did it, they couldn't

wait to get rid of her.

They say you did it.

No, they asked me to do it.

Poor old girl hadn't even

seen the show.

If you were charged with m*rder,

it would reflect badly on the show.

Not necessarily.

The LAPD are looking into it.

They say that there is footage

of you fleeing the building.

Yeah, I was trying to

get away from them.

I wouldn't mind, Steven.

But you're Doctor Grainger.

You're supposed to be the good guy.

I am the good guy.

Would you stop looking dubious?

Anyway, you can't fire me,

I'm contracted for a second series.

And as you said yourself,

it's legally binding.

Carmen!

You're three hours late, Steven.

Yeah, but I thought

Since Rodrigos has left,

now I am always on time.

OK, we've waited long enough.

Let's start.

Scene one. Interior hospital. Night.

We see Trace Willoughby alone

in the ward. It is late.

Doctor Grainger enters.

You wanted to see me, Mrs

Willoughby? If it's about

Trace Willoughby stabs

Doctor Grainger with a knife.

He falls in a cowardly manner

to the floor.

He lies there motionless,

like a piece of sh*t.

He's dead.

Very dead.

What?

Scene two.

Trace is with her attractive

younger lover, Jim Buckstar,

played by Sonny-Sam Disco.

Thank God that dog-faced

limey weasel

is finally out of the

picture, darling.

Here's to us, baby.

I have big plans for making

millions of dollars

by selling the hospital!

I know you do.

It's part of a long-term plan

for world domination.

Can you imagine, the whole

Trace Willoughby phenomenon

bigger than we've ever dreamed of.

I think I'd like an apartment

in Paris