01x03 - Oxente, Formô!

[bunniefuu]

Hail Mary, full of grace,

the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women,

and blessed is the fruit…

Halt!

I'm Captain Lampião.

We're here to plunder respectably.

If you all cooperate,

nobody will be buried with the deceased.

You're the one who's dying,

Devil's scarecrow!

f*ck, Captain, it's an ambush!

Hey, pretty lace maker

You, who makes laces

Run!

Hey, pretty lace maker

You, who makes laces

Teach me how to make laces

And I'll teach you how to love…

This one I'm sending to hell, Captain!

I'm unbreakable!

I'm Captain Lampião.

Hey, pretty lace maker

Die, pig!

Come on, g*ng!

You, who makes laces

Let's go to Mossoró, g*ng!

Let's go to Mossoró!

Captain?

-Captain!

-Where's the captain? What?

I put on my cangaceira outfit.

Wow, you're so beautiful

dressed up like that.

Thank you so much.

But come now.

There's a bunch of people outside.

Wow. Why are all these people here?

They look like

those crazy Black Friday crowds.

Didn't you say you wanted a new g*ng?

And that I was to help you?

Do we have to do it right now?

If not now, when?

Maybe tomorrow, or a year from now.

The people are here now, Captain.

Ready to follow you.

A cup of coffee will wake you up.

Get ready.

-Wish I could have a cappuccino.

-Jesus.

Look how many clothes I've managed to sew.

-I knew this day would come.

-You really made those all yourself?

Well, I didn't steal them.

All myself, yeah, for our g*ng.

-What do you think?

-You nailed it.

You didn't comment on my scarf.

It's red, right? No, more like orange.

-Yeah.

-Very pretty.

Captain,

may I ask you something

that's been bothering me?

Of course, my cactus flower.

Why do you drink coffee

from the chamber pot?

I like it in large quantities.

-Morning, gentlemen.

-Morning.

I'm honored to introduce you

to your future boss,

Captain Lampião, the King of Sertão.

-Have them applaud me.

-A round of applause!

Act like The Rock.

Now like Van Damme!

Show me your teeth.

No laughing!

Good.

Act like Stallone.

Stallone in church.

Careful now!

I like being the boss.

I could get used to people

following my orders.

Sorry?

How did you manage

to spread the word so quickly?

I only told Zulmira, the town gossip.

She did what she does best,

she got the word out.

That's what I call good marketing.

No, it was just gossip, Captain.

Now that's one big gossiper.

-Will you do any kind of recruitment test?

-Even better.

I'm gonna hold a casting call!

A NETFLIX SERIES

If you want some cane sugar,

it's in the back.

I can't offer you water,

because of the drought and all.

The little I had was a bit muddy.

How's the heat?

It's all right.

But I don't recognize

the route you're using

to take us to school.

Mariá's house is that way.

The shortcut through Mariá of Toinho's

is jam-packed with people

who want to join Lampião's new g*ng.

I even heard she joined Captain

and became a cangaceira as well.

A new g*ng?

A cangaceira?

That's it.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yes. The sea must taste like crackers.

-What?

-Amália, listen to me.

They're called sea salt crackers.

So if they taste like the sea,

the sea must taste great.

I should give you a taste of my hand.

Can't you see?

If Mariá's a cangaceira,

and Lampião's building a new g*ng,

we could be part of that too.

We need an unorthodox plan.

Another ox? Why do we need that?

To get there in time

to join the g*ng, Amélia.

If we're two leagues from Mariá's place,

it'll take an hour to get there.

For the mule to go faster,

we gotta get rid of the extra weight.

Oh, I see. Weight.

You dropped your book.

Uh-huh.

It's okay, I'll get it.

Great plan, Amélia.

Why didn't I think of that?

It's time for us to become cangaceiras!

Mighty is an old mule.

He doesn't go over half a league per hour.

Right, my boy?

MARIÁ - MASTER - ESCANDALOSA

LAMPIMASTERS

Ms. Escandalosa,

you're here to help us choose the best.

If there's one person

who knows the local men, it's you.

A man is like a new chair,

you gotta sit on it at least once

before taking it home.

So you're going to be our harshest judge.

Who's first?

Chico the Whip,

the fastest lash in the Sertão.

I strike fear into the heart of Satan.

At your service, Captain.

He seems skilled, Captain.

He looks like a brave warrior.

And he has a way with words.

I heard from my girls

that his best whip is his tongue.

Well, show us, then.

What can you do with that whip?

He's really good.

-You're in!

-You're out.

Why?

Because I don't trust

flexible weapons. Next.

-That's BBB.

-BBB? Does he have a stutter?

No, it's because

just one slash from his knife

is enough to cut

a man's beard, belly, and ba*ls.

-This guy seems dangerous.

-And his weapon's firm.

And large!

He'd be perfect for our g*ng. Right?

No. We can't trust him.

How can we sleep

with a Ginsu knife endorser among us?

I heard married women sleep just fine.

We can't trust a guy

who sleeps with married women. Next!

-What's your name?

-Old Trebuchet, Captain.

-What's your skill?

-I can take all sorts of pain.

Can you watch cable news for hours on end?

This one can't last five minutes

in my brothel.

That's a lie!

-I wanna see if you really can take pain.

-Yeah. We demand proof!

-Let the captain slap you in the face.

-Well, no need to go that far.

Come on, hit me. Slap my face.

-Ouch!

-It hurt, Captain?

Gotcha! Everybody heard

you said that it hurt. You admit it!

-I was just asking.

-And I'm asserting.

You're out. Next!

-What can you do?

-I skin men alive.

No good. Out!

-Next!

-I k*ll and skin jaguars.

-That sucks. Out!

-I sniff out traitors.

-No!

-I hit pigs on the head.

Sucks!

-I can cut through stone.

-Come on, get outta here.

-This one's good.

-Out with you.

No.

Move!

Jesus Christ, so lame.

Let go, man.

We're going to Mariá's place.

What for?

Amélia and I want to join Lampião's g*ng.

What a load of nonsense.

You really think women can be cangaceiras?

I do.

News of Lampião's recruitment

has reached Cerro Velho.

I came all this way to join him.

If the beautiful Mariá joined him,

we can do it too.

See that? Another one.

We wish we could go,

but this old mule can't handle the trip.

We need a plan B, and soon.

I have a plan B. Is there a problem?

Not at all.

I was just telling them

how amazing female cangaceiras are.

Then let's get moving.

We won't need this mule to move quickly.

Or this one. Beat it!

Did you know

that sparrows and hummingbirds

are both birds…

Here's the mystery man.

…but they never fly together,

for they are not alike?

Really?

Trying to copy Saint Francis of Assisi

and his fondness for birds?

I knew you wouldn't be able

to walk among cangaceiros.

You're such a wimp!

I'm gonna show you, Father.

He who laughs last is as dumb as a rock.

I'm laughing first because I know

I will be a success in the cangaço.

-Careful, Virguley.

-Not "Virguley"!

"Virgulino."

Taking me for a fool?

Do you think Virgulino

would have dismissed good fighters

because he's afraid of them like you did?

-Begone, spirit.

-Captain?

Captain, forgive me for saying this,

but you need to be less demanding.

The men who are left

aren't fit for the cangaço.

That's right.

They're my equals, my "homies."

-What homes?

-We're an equal opportunity employer.

I'll follow your advice

and be less demanding.

I'll give those goofballs a chance.

I was once like them.

My goodness.

Was that my advice?

We have a blind, a mute,

a shorty, and a blockhead.

If they become cangaceiros,

they're as good as dead.

See this stigma?

Just because they're different

doesn't mean they're as good as dead.

I'm a natural-born k*ller.

I'll k*ll you too if I have to.

You're a real k*ller all right. Of beauty!

Only a blind man could find you handsome.

Respect the blind and the ugly, scumbag!

Shut up!

Enough!

I agree with Captain

that they're fit for many things.

See?

But not to be cangaceiros.

How will you know

if we don't give them a chance?

You there. Tell me who you are.

Did anyone understand that?

He says he can talk a blue streak

if you want him to.

Says he's the best storyteller around.

I can confirm, I've seen it.

Wow, I've never seen a talkative mute

or a blind man who knows gibberish before.

My eyes might be blind,

but my ears can hear every whisper.

And my nose can tell the number of days

a man's gone without a shower.

-You, Captain, for instance--

-No need to continue!

-How about you?

-I'm always aware of my surroundings.

If you need me,

ask for the greatest warrior in Sertão!

They say size doesn't matter,

but width sure does.

And he took that to heart.

Show some respect!

Or else I'll drop-kick your liver,

your chest, and even your throat!

-And then your--

-Relax, Mr. Grumpy.

Too much stress is bad for you.

Get back in line.

You with the long face, can you sh**t?

No, I can't. Why do you ask? So nosy.

Why would a man try to join Lampião's g*ng

if he can't sh**t?

Do I have to be a calf

to drink cow's milk?

Show Captain some respect, smarty-pants.

He acts all tough,

but back at my brothel,

all it takes is a soft touch

to turn him into the sweetest of men.

We do need a boneheaded brute

to shake off any jinxes,

evil eyes, ill omens,

sinister predictions, the whole shebang.

-You liked the rhyme?

-Good one. It flowed well.

Captain is a poet!

-What did he say?

-That he's all bark and no bite.

At least they have good aim.

These are the men I choose.

Are you sure, Captain?

The only thing I'm sure of

is that I'm in debt.

I think my g*ng is complete.

The blind man shall be named Waze.

He sees what others can't see

with their eyes.

He shall be our best guide.

The blabbering mute shall be named Wordy.

The short man is always watchful

and ready for action.

You shall be called Mock-Up Guard.

Which is great. He won't use up

too much water in the shower.

And the closed-off man

shall be named Lockdown.

No one gets close to him.

And our g*ns, Captain?

I wanna sh**t some pigs.

Did you forget about the training period?

You only get g*ns

after you've become permanent members.

Now I understand what Captain did.

Tell me, 'cause I don't know.

You're giving opportunity

to the downtrodden.

You're gonna train them

so that they're well-prepared

to fight against injustice.

That's it. A more inclusive

and peaceful cangaço.

Peace and love.

We must give equal opportunity

to everyone.

If that's how it is, Captain,

then give opportunity to women too.

But, Mariá Bonita, my dear,

there were no women

in the cangaço back then.

Back then when?

Back then?

I meant I'll back them up

if women try to join the cangaço.

Here we are.

These are the Colonel's daughters.

If he finds out, he'll skin me alive.

I doubt it, Captain.

He is terrified of you.

Did you forget?

You've got him on a tight leash.

You're right.

Why do you want to join the cangaço?

We want a better future, Captain. Freedom.

Around here,

women are forced to marry stinky men.

Yeah. We wanna get married.

No, Amélia.

That's what we don't want, remember?

We wanna join the cangaço, dummy.

And we have the skills for it.

I'm always concocting crazy schemes.

I can read and write,

and know most multiplication tables.

-Those are tough.

-And I know multiplication tables up to…

to…

-to one!

-That's even tougher.

And I'm stronger and braver than most men.

I could stick my hand in a wasp's nest.

If you allow me, Captain,

they'd be great assets to our army.

You're right. Welcome to the cangaço.

You, who came pulling the carriage,

I shall name you Bumper Block.

Or Bumper to close friends.

And you, know-it-all lady,

I shall name you Motherboard.

What name do you want?

I'll be…

You'll be Miss Delay!

You're very welcome.

We're in the cangaço!

And if you thought our g*ng

only had ugly people,

screw-ups, and f*ck-ups,

I've got something to tell you.

You're right.

-Cheers to Captain!

-Hooray!

That's not necessary.

But it doesn't mean you have to stop.

We should take a photograph.

Agreed.

In 4K.

The coachman came back

saying he couldn't take them to school.

And why exactly is that?

-They ran away.

-Where to?

To the cangaço, to become cangaceiras.

-And have a life of liberty.

-A life of what?

A life of depravity, Papa.

I never thought

they'd do such a terrible thing to you.

They've dishonored me. This is an outrage!

I envy them.

You should send

one of your men after them.

-Don't do this, Amaro. Let me go.

-I agree. You go, Amaro.

-Me?

-Yes, you, Amaro.

No, Papa.

I'm always stealing from church.

-Send Rufino.

-Go, Rufino.

-This is a family matter. I'm not going.

-Enough, you cowards!

I'm gonna have to fix this myself.

Lampião has humiliated me.

But taking my daughters?

He's gone too far.

I'm sending you both.

Go rescue them right now.

-What are you waiting for? Go on!

-Let's go, Rufino.

Good thing you had

all these stylish clothes lying around.

I love the colors on mine.

With this picture of the captain,

Padre Cícero

is bound to come to the festival.

-I highly doubt it.

-Brother Menino's always hopeful.

So, the real Padre Cícero is coming?

Attention. This is the last plate,

and it's for the newspaper.

After this picture,

we'd better find somewhere to hide.

Leave it to me.

This could be a trap.

You know, that thingamajig

could actually be a pig's machine g*n.

It is a g*n, Captain!

Right foot. Stop.

Captain!

I know it was my idea

to hide at Gia's Hole,

but there's no need

to punish us like this.

We cangaceiros must leave inverted tracks.

People coming this way

will think those who came were leaving.

But we're actually coming, not leaving.

That's why we're walking backwards,

just like the late Michael Jackson.

Oh, my heels!

Move it, men.

We're still a long way from Mossoró.

Off you go.

WEE-WEE

Out of the way.

Will somebody help him?

As the boss, I'll stick to supervision.

Let somebody else help him.

You do it, Bumper.

I don't need help, Bumper.

Can no one here set up a tent?

-The tent is mine, I'll set it up.

-Give me that.

You won't let go?

-Come on.

-Let go of my stick!

-Let go!

-Put me down and it's yours.

Lockdown, are you setting up our tents

with these branches?

"Lockdown."

No, I'm piling up these branches

to make a greasy pole.

Ignorant fool.

I guess we'll sleep out in the open,

under the stars.

Guys, we were supposed to work together

in order to finish this quickly!

That's right.

Around here,

we help each other instead of complaining.

Lockdown, hold that thing properly.

You there, help with the fabric.

Where's Bumper?

Move, people!

Jesus Christ.

-Out of the way, Lockdown.

-Where is it? Where?

-He says it looks like a castle.

-Oh, it's a tent.

-I thought it was a mosquito net.

-This is why we should work together.

By working together, we get stronger.

Freeze.

Freeze!

Take whoever, just don't hurt me!

Amaro, what are you doing here?

Oh, my dearies!

Amaro, I thought

you were gonna k*ll Captain.

It takes more than a g*n to k*ll Lampião.

Is that so?

It takes two g*ns. Now I'm done for.

No one needs to get hurt.

Just let the colonel's daughters go.

No one's keeping them here.

They're adults. The door's open.

Do you wanna leave, girls?

-No.

-No.

These girls are comedians. They're joking.

Tell the colonel

I'll take them to him later.

They're going now!

Whether you want it or not!

-You're always in such a hurry.

-Come this way, girls.

Come, let's go.

She's not going.

Oh, but she is.

Yes, she's going.

No, she's not.

Okay, that's enough!

Again!

-Won't you do anything, Captain?

-It's not my place.

This is a family matter.

My place is in my hammock.

What is this, Rufino?

Lower the g*n.

Let's talk like civilized people.

I'm just following Colonel's orders.

I have to take his daughters back.

Don't leave me alone with that villain.

I can't live without you.

Then stay here with us.

-Here?

-Yeah.

No!

Papa would never let me.

Then do what we did, dummy. Run away.

He doesn't need to run away.

He's already here.

Amaro, you've always been different.

Delicate.

A romantic.

You're not horrible like your father.

Why don't you stay with us?

Here, you can be whatever you want.

Amaro.

-No!

-No.

It won't work. I can't possibly be myself.

That's a great lie that's been fed to you.

But it's not true, okay?

Look around you.

Anything's possible here. Right, Captain?

We can even do nothing, then rest.

Don't fall for that nonsense, Amaro.

These snakes

are using their rattle to trick you.

Captain,

if it's true that we can do anything here,

could I wear my sisters' clothes?

Mix them up with mine?

Amaro!

He's always liked

trying out the clothes I sewed you.

You wanna dress up as a woman now?

Stop being so closed-minded.

-What if the kid wants to be gender-fluid?

-Gender-what?

Gender-fluid means

you can be a man or a woman.

Or neither of those.

Maybe Bonnie, maybe Clyde.

Be one, then the other.

You can be everything and nothing.

Whatever you want. You can even be a rock.

Just be happy!

Come. You'll see.

-Coming from Captain, this must be good.

-Suck-up.

That's so dopey.

I have the pleasure

to reintroduce to everyone gathered here

our dear and brave friend.

A round of applause for Amare!

Do you like it?

-You look like a peacock.

-They're no peacock. They're Amare.

-And they're lovely.

-It's the end times, Mariá.

Can't you see what Lampião's doing?

Soon he'll have you

cutting your hair and wearing pants.

And what if I want to?

What's wrong with that?

The choice, Rufino, is mine.

And I choose to be free.

You can be free too.

Why don't you join the g*ng?

The g*ng?

Negative!

We're full up for this season.

Maybe the next one, if you're lucky.

This man has bewitched you.

He's bewitched all of you.

-Begone, wizard!

-I'm not leaving the cangaço.

Go back to your Colonel and tell him

his children choose to stay here.

As do I.

And if he complains,

Lampião will do him in.

Feel free to edit that statement.

No need to show as much anger.

Make it sound a little more polite,

with just a hint of uncertainty.

Tell him what I've told you!

What do you mean they're not coming back?

Did my son really choose to stay,

and dressed like a peacock?

-He was very colorful.

-Colorful?

What's worse,

they even tricked Mariá, Colonel.

We have to do something to get them back.

That's exactly what I sent you to do,

you numbskull!

I still don't understand

why you haven't done as you were told.

I'm sorry to tell you this,

but Lampião said you wouldn't do anything

because you're a coward.

-A coward?

-A giant chicken.

A weenie.

As gutless as they come,

with a spine as soft as a jellyfish.

He said that?

He did, sir.

He had the guts to say

that you were such a weakling

that you look like

a constipated lizard trying to sh*t.

And you did nothing, you worthless fool?

It wasn't in my power

to do anything, Colonel.

I should castrate him for what he said.

But those weren't your orders.

Castration is not enough.

He should be k*lled.

Are you gonna k*ll him?

Hey, pretty lace maker

Hey, make me a pretty lace…

It brings me joy seeing them happy.

I'm filled with joy too.

I know it isn't

the g*ng of your dreams, but…

What? It's so much better.

You're the best person I've ever met.

Teach me how to make laces

And I'll teach you how to love…

Excuse me.

Go on.

What the hell? Stop doing that.

-And posing like The Thinker.

-No, it's just heartburn.

Well, after all that coffee and tapioca.

Man, don't you even think about

falling in love.

Stop jinxing me.

Everyone thinks I'm Lampião.

-No one'll mess with me.

-And the colonel?

That vain old goat only cares about

what the townies think of him.

I doubt he'd ever try to k*ll me.

-Two.

-Four.

Two plus two is four. I win.

Four minus two is two. You lose.

You k*ll him.

Not me, Colonel.

I'll make you

an officially certified lieutenant.

You'll be in charge

of a covert squad so powerful,

Lampião will end up full of holes,

just like Swiss cheese!

I don't know about that, Colonel.

I don't know.

Lampião is so smart that, to this day,

no man has managed to k*ll him,

not even once.

Exactly.

If you k*ll him at least once,

you'll become a hero.

And Mariá will be yours forever.

And Lampião?

Lampião must be far away from here.

Especially these days,

without WhatsApp, social networks, or fax.

He won't even know I exist.

Dressing like something

out of a pirate musical will do the job.

Captain, check this out.

Halt, men!

Mossoró can wait.

We have a man to k*ll first.

SERTÃO TIMES

LOOMING DANGER

LAMPIÃO FORMS A NEW g*ng

IN CAATINGUEIRAS

We'll camp here tonight.

Set down the provisions.

Someone's pretending to be

the King of the Cangaço.

IN MEMORY OF