04x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

No, they didn't come
through with the order.

No, I've checked through it
all. Excuse me one moment.

Oh, are you late?

I slept in my bus in short.

You slept it again?
Hurry up and get to class.

No, it's a standing order.



Sheree.

Excuse me, I won't be a minute.

Is it Epson T-Forms?

They're in the Epson T-Forms
folder in the Epson T-Forms shelf.

Oh, thanks.

It's quite urgent.

What have you want me to do now?

Can I just order a copy of that, please?

Hello? Hello?

They hung up on me now.

Thank you. I was on the phone to them

for half an hour now. I'll
have to ring them back.

What is this?

I need some help, Jared.

I'll just overrun.

This is a much bigger workload
than it was when I started here.

The workload hasn't really...

Yes it has. The role's gone up.

I need an assistant.

Um, well...

You know who'd be good?

Malcolm.

Malcolm?

You see, there was a moody goth

who never leaves his
bedroom and eats cereal

and plays video games all day.

Oh, no. Maybe a few years ago, not now.

He's really on to it, Jared.

I'll get on the phone to Malcolm

and have a word with him.

Oh, maybe you could...

Yeah, I'm just on the call.

I'm not really sure.

I'll just have a peppermint
tea, thanks, Jared.

No milk this time.

All right.

Hello, Malcolm.

I've got you a job at the school,

so get dressed and...

I don't give a sh*t about
World of Warcraft, Malcolm.

I'll get dressed when
I complete this level.

Just keep sanding?

What are you doing here?

I need some help, bro.

These kids, what are they making?

They're making breadboards.

Breadboards?

Yeah.

This is like taking a piece of water

and making a piece of wood.

Well, yeah, that's too easy for them.

You need to elevate their skills, bro.

I've got just a project for you.

What?

I need a coffin.

I've got a coffin.

Yeah, I've made this coffin.

And there's a funeral today at 1 p.m.

And I left the coffin back in Tauranga.

We'll just go back and get it.

I can't go back there
for it to drive back there.

OK, you've got to get on one,

then you've got to get
off onto the other eight.

And you know that little bridge,

that one-way bridge,

that eats up each time.

You've got to pick up the coffin,

find a mate to help me carry it,

because it's heavy,

and then put that in the mount,

stuff for a feed,

maybe a little snooze,

and drive all the way back.

By the time I get the
coffin to the funeral, bro,

it'll be tomorrow.

Way too late.

Why don't you just go buy a new coffin?

Well, it's not just any old coffin.

The fella, bro, he was a great dancer.

Coffin is in the shape of a ghetto blaster,

and it's some of my best work.

A ghetto blaster coffin?

Yeah, it's a massive scale,

a scale to the two, two scale,

you know, three to one.

I can't make coffins in making breadboards.

It's just lots of bits of breadboards

all stuck together

in the shape of a big bread bin.

Do you want the panda?

Yes, please.

There you go.

So what are you feeling upset about?

My boyfriend was caught with another girl

and doing stuff.

What kind of stuff?

What are we talking about?

He was sucking her face.

That's what he was doing,

sucking her face.

So your boyfriend's sucking
some other girl's face,

yeah, and you're feeling upset about that?

What's his name?

His name's like Max.

Okay, so is it like Max or is it Max?

It is Max.

Yes, so can you give me a direct answer?

I'm sorry.

Okay, so Max is an as*h*le.

Okay, we've established that.

He's hurt your feelings, yeah?

So you say he's hurting you?

Yeah.

So I'd like to draw your
attention to my chart here.

What you say in here stays in here.

So number one, someone is hurting you.

Number two is you want to hurt someone.

So I think, you know,

we've established number one has happened.

We're kind of at number two.

So how do you want to hurt him?

Would be my question.

I think I'm going to tell him

that I'm really upset at what he did.

Okay, so that's not going
to really do anything, is it?

I mean, initially I brought up the idea

of rushing him after school,

but she was kind of against that.

Now, Rush is just like a
crowd of you kind of, right?

Yeah.

You kind of rush in.

Just rush in.

Kind of rough him up and then rush out.

Any other options?

Just spitballing?

Ah, key his mum's car

because he doesn't have a car.

Right.

That's not something,
obviously, I could encourage,

but I feel like you got this.

Okay.

And I don't need to know
what you're going to do,

but just get out there and do it, yeah?

Okay, so your first card, you got the fall.

So you're making a fall of yourself

either at home or at work.

Okay, so we've got the devil,

or that'll be your husband.

Yeah, your husband's playing tricks on you,

one way or another.

Does that mean anything?

Sure.

So we've got the hanged man.

Are you suicidal?

Well, don't be like that.

Just get out of it.

That's your ten minutes.

Thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

Don't do that.

I was doing a reading.

You're really pushing me off.

Can you not do that?

Someone was playing me for that.

Well, but we're paying you to work here.

That woman was a suicidal fool.

It was a very difficult read.

You think you're helping?

Yes, I do help people with my psychic work.

Yeah, but you're not psychic.

I am so.

My grandmother was psychic

and my great-grandmother was psychic.

Going right back.

Could you just not do it at school, please?

Okay.

Anyway, I want to show you
an e-mail that I've received.

Oh.

What's this about?

Can you just come and have a look?

Yeah.

You all right? On your own for a minute?

Yeah.

Dear Jared, I know this sounds a bit weird,

but my mum has always talked about my dad,

but I've never met him.

All I know is that she
had a one-night stand

at some kind of conference around 1998.

She said he was now a principal of a school

and I've done a bit of internet sleuthing

and I think that maybe you're my father.

I haven't told mum and she
doesn't know I'm contacting you,

but if you think this
might possibly be you,

maybe you could e-mail me back.

Thanks, Jeremy.

Oh, Jared.

Are you going to e-mail him back?

Yeah.

Oh, I've got a very strong
feeling about this, Jared.

This is the real deal.

Can you not do the psychic stuff, please?

Listen up, everyone. Mr. Harrison speaking.

OK, go, bro.

OK, I've got a new project.

We're going to be making...

a box.

A box.

A rectangular shape.

Rectangular shape.

The one day goes into the ground?

Yes.

Are we making a coffin?

Yes.

Sorry, who is this? I'm really confused.

This is my brother, Tony.

Why do you sound like a question?

This is my brother.

This is my brother, Tony Harrison.

Yeah, that's right.

I don't think my mum
would let me make a coffin.

Me neither. It's woodwork.

Yes.

Is this coffin for, like,
an actual dead person?

Yep.

Oh, my God.

Who died?

Oh, Frank.

Frank.

Jared?

Hi.

Good day.

Hi, how are you?

Jeremy.

Thanks, Jeremy.

Thanks, Jeremy.

Nice to meet you.

Wow.

Good to meet you.

Thanks for helping me come in.

Oh, yeah.

I think I'm going to cry or something.

You know, it's like...

I was looking at the date and...

Yeah.

Does that make sense to you that time?

I mean, it was a pretty crazy time, but...

Sure.

It was this one conference in Christchurch.

Christchurch? Okay.

Well, that makes sense,
because I grew up in Christchurch.

So that...

Right.

So she talked about me.

Yeah.

Yeah, she said there was a
very handsome young man.

She...

And they had a one-night
stand that was very special.

Because I nearly heard
from her again, you see.

Yeah, right.

So...

Do you know why she didn't reach out?

I think the thing is for Mum is she
came from such a religious family.

So when she found out
that she was pregnant,

she had to, you know,
get away from the family

and keep the whole thing a secret, really.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Sorry.

I didn't think I'd get...

So caught up.

But...

Yeah, because if I had no, I would
have liked to have known, you know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you don't have a family at all?

No.

No?

No.

Do you have a family?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got a kid.

It's just a little four-year-old son.

Yeah.

Wow.

What's his name?

Jareth.

Oh, it's quite close to my name, isn't it?

So inside every biological female,

she has cells in these
cells of mitochondrial DNA.

Hey, Max!

I've got egg on me. I can't have egg on me.

I need to go to the sick
bay. I'm allergic to eggs.

OK.

Is it on my neck? Is it on my...

OK.

OK. Kyle, grab my crutches.

Kyle, open the door.

I can feel them already.

Oh, Jesus.

What the hell?

Let's have a look, Max.

Oh.

Oh, yuck.

What does it look like?

That's fine. You're all right.

Why were people throwing eggs at school?

Because I put it on his medical
form. He is allergic to eggs.

I just want to know
that my boy will be safe.

I don't want to send him to
school knowing that he could die.

I don't think he's going to die.

How do you know that?

A very small percentage
of kids die at school.

So, just happy to go with that.

I just don't feel like you
care about children at all.

Yes, I do. Of course I do.

I just can't stop kids from
bringing eggs to school.

Oh, that's my painting.

I've been exploring my
subconscious via self-hypnosis

and painting some of the images
my subconscious is throwing out there.

That's the Angel of Death,

taking me up to what I thought was heaven.

But it's not, obviously,
because it's the Angel of Death.

Do you think this is appropriate
to have in the sick bay?

Well, I think the message is an
optimistic one for the sick bay, yeah.

It's basically saying that we
shouldn't be scared of death,

because death isn't scared of us.

You've got to get rid of that coffin, bro.

If Jenny finds that lying around there,

she'll know that I didn't
bring it up here for the funeral.

And if I lose my job, bro,

I'm sorry they have to tell you this,

but I'll be taking you down with me.

I don't know, just like chuck
it on Trayton or something.

There must be some other old
breakdances that have died recently.

Yeah, it's a wicked ghetto
b*stard, man. It looks incredible.

What's going on?

Hey, bro, I've got to go.

Wait.

Jared?

Who are you?

Um, yeah, thank you, Kenneth.

Uh, hey, Tony.

Good day, Tony.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what are you doing here?

I, um, work for the school advisory board

on arts and crafts and ships.

I mean, just look at the
school level of these kids.

Tony, I'm going to have
to stop you there, mate,

because I know that none of that's true.

What, but...

All of it. I know it's a coffin.

Someone came and told me.

Who's snitched?

We can't have coffins being
made in one class, mate.

You're going to bury someone in this.

What?

You're actually going to use this.

What?

What's the point in making
stuff if you're not going to use it?

We can't be having kids
making a coffin at a school.

We got the blanket and pillow
from the sickbay, Mr Harrison.

Wait, what are you doing with those?

Are they for the coffin?

Those!

Take them back to the sickbay, please.

Let's chuck them in the coffin.

No, take them back to the sickbay, please,

and leave them there.

Please, just...

Tony, enough of that, please.

Take them back to the sickbay.

Mr Needham, please.

Okay, I'm talking to you.

Hey, on the level now, bro.

Okay? Man to man.

I need this.

Okay?

There's a funeral at one p.m.

Think of the family.

Think of that family.

Think of Frank.

Who's Frank?

The guy who's dying.

Oh, the guy who's dying?

Oh, please.

Come on, Jared.

Come on, Jared.

Well, just get it done.

Get it out of here.

Don't let anyone see it.

Just like, stop making a coffin's on them.

Yes!

None of your kids tell your parents.

God, keep painting it there.

Keep it for yourself.

Yes!

What did you have for lunch?

Not like that at all.

Hey!

What?

What?

Oh, how did it go?

It was lovely.

I saw you driving off.

Where did you go?

Yeah.

Oh, we went to a Thai place.

Yeah, the lovely lunch together.

Yeah.

And you'd caught up on all the years.

Yeah, we caught up.

Yeah, I gave him 15 grand.

Oh, that's lovely of you, Jared.

I had to go to, like, seven
or eight cash machines

to get the money out.

Yeah, and I bought him a car.

Oh, what a lovely fatherly act.

What's going on?

Hey.

What's happening?

Oh, Jared's found out he's got a son.

It turns out he went to a conference

and rooted someone in


You're joking.

No, it's true. That's happened to people.

Well, when did he find out?

This morning.

How?

By email.

And he's bought him a car?

That's Dad's do.

Oh, no.

That's a scam.

Don't put it like that.

What did the email say in the subject line?

Introductions.

Introductions?

I thought that was lovely.

Oh, come on, Sherry.

That's like, that's got
scam ridden all over it.

What do you think, Malcolm?

Yeah, of course.

It's an obvious mum.

Yeah, and that's a young person talking.

Oh.

Come on, Sherry, wake up.

I know it's the real deal.

How?

Because I'm a little bit psychic,

and I had a feeling about it.

That's another big red flag.

So, you've just given money to who?

To Jeremy.

Who's Jeremy?

He's a very nice young man.

OK, his name's not Jeremy,

and you've just given 15 grand

and a car to a con artist.

Yeah.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Because, you know, I know he's not my son.

What?

I worked it out.

Dates were, like, three years off.

OK, so you're happy

to just give your money
away to a con artist?

Yeah, I thought he did a great job.

At conning you?

Yeah.

It was just nice.

I had a son for an afternoon.

We had lunch together.

If you're just happy
just giving out 15 grand,

there would be so many better people

to give that 15 grand to,

then some scammer.

Yeah.

Like an orphan or, like, me or Vinny.

Yeah.

Yeah, but he made me feel like I had a son.

It's biological, Robyn.

You wouldn't know,
because you don't have kids.

Yeah, but neither do you, OK?

Well, I did.

No, what?

For an hour and a half.

Oh, my God.

That's better than the waste one.

No, it was in some way.

No, no, I'm allergic. Please.

Ah!

Oh, no.

No, Kyle, no!

Little b*stard.

Kids are throwing eggs around, willy nilly.

We can't have eggs being thrown at school.

I'm gonna ban eggs.

We can't ban eggs.

Yes, I'm gonna ban eggs at the school.

I've eggs in my smoothie jar every day.

Well, now you can't.

Well, I'm not throwing them.

Crack your eggs at home,
put them in the smoothie,

blend it at home and
bring it into the school.

Oh, they're gonna be...

And that goes for all of you, OK?

Only blended eggs at the school.

No eggs in their shells.

It's dangerous.

Ever had a piece of egg shell in your eye?

I have, when I was your age.

I was looking up at a
nest and an egg fell out,

hit me in the face.

A piece of egg shell went
down underneath my eyeball.

It hurt.

There are better ways to solve disputes.

How about stopping and saying,

I don't like that.

Please, can we talk about it?

Actually, Miss Duffy
will know a bit about this.

She's the expert in dispute resolution.

Yeah, I think talking is an option.

You know, stop it, I don't like it.

I've found it reasonably ineffectual,

but I would agree, you know,
violence should be a last resort.

It should not be, you know, your go-to.

You've tried everything else.

Violence is never a resort.

Violence should not be a thing.

Well, no, violence shouldn't be a thing,

but I mean, unless you've
tried everything else,

you're pushed into a dark place

and then just go with your gap, really.

No, the point is,

no more egging.

And I want the people who started this

in my office after this assembly.

Now, where you go?

Miss Duffy said we should do something

and we thought that
maybe eggs would be good.

What'd she say?

Well, she didn't say it in words,

but she didn't say not to do anything.

Can you tell me exactly what she said?

Like, can you quote her?

It was more of, like, don't incriminate me,

but go get them back.

Yeah, thanks, Robert.

Yeah.

Nothing easy. Come on, Tim.

Here we go.

Be careful of the bottom of it.

Don't scuff that.

There we go. Lovely.

All right. Thank you, kids.

Hands in the middle.

One, two, three.

Frank!

Ooh!

Good work.

Better get going before
Judy finds out I'm here.

Oh!

Here he goes.

Tony Maloney!

Hey. How are you?

Oh, good to see you.

How are you?

Good. Good. Going.

We've got Reynolds'
birthday party this Saturday.

Did you get the invite?

No, I did get that, yep.

That'd be so, that'd be
so good to have you there.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I'm actually pretty busy.

Well, we can change it to Sunday.

Or Monday.

Tuesday.

I think we're free Wednesday.

We'll be working.

Yeah, but we could just make time.

We could just get relievers or something.

I'm actually busy through
to the next Sunday.

There you go.

He's busy. That's all right.

Such a bummer.

Yeah.

I was hoping we could
do our little numbers.

You know, like at his second
birthday, the pantomime horse.

Me as the head, you as the...

I do remember that.

Yeah, I remember that.

Yeah, there was a one-off.

There was a one-off and that was special.

Yeah, look, if you ever
just sort of need anything

or you want to come
and have a drink with us.

No, I'll be okay.

Or a charity thing.

No, no, I will.

Yeah, and just, like, love to everyone.

And if you ever need, like,
a dinner or drinks or just...

Your fingers.

Yeah.

No, you take care.

Take care of the baby.

What was that?

I'll take care of some pecs of the baby.

So good to see you.

Okay?

Yeah.

Oh, God, it's so good to see him.

Yeah.

He's so handsome.

He's so rugged.

He just looks like he can just
sort of grab you, doesn't he?

And clearly so good with his hands.

Well, we're from the same family, so...

Yeah, so nice.

Okay, come on.

Let's get back to the past.

Lovely to see him.

Mm-hmm.

Do you think he'll come back and see you?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I don't know.

Come on.

Uh, I'm busy.

Are you in a session?

Yes.

Jared.

Are you, though?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

There's, um, the signs
constantly in session.

Sorry, I'm just coming in.

Okay.

Just coming in.

Yeah, see, there's no one in here.

Okay, but I'm not always available

if there's not a child in here,

just because I do a lot of prep in my head.

You're rolling the signal in.

Yeah, and that's how I prep.

Hey, um...

I just had Mariah and Arya in my office.

They said that you told
them to throw eggs at Max.

Not true.

That's the sort of thing you'd say.

I need to remind you about
the doctor-patient confidentiality.

You're not a doctor.

Yeah, but still, that
Hippocratic oath, Jared,

we all know what the students come to me

as their guidance counselor.

I can't go blabbing to the principal.

So even if I had said something around,

I don't know, standing up for yourself,

being a woman, could I
tell you about the exchange?

No.

Can you not smoke inside?

I'm not smoking inside.

Just gonna do that, okay?

Because you're not actually in session.

Sure.

We cannot lose to him.

Did you punch in a thing?

In the room?

Yeah.

No. In the car? Yes.

What are you doing here?

Just hanging out with my mates.

Your mates?

Well, what mates?

Any of you actually teaching
Robert this term, really?

No.

Earth, air, fire, water.

Is you're gonna build a
giant cardboard cutout

and get your dancing around inside it?

I think that was literally our plan.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Well, I'd say it's bullshit.

Do you use that kind of
language around the students?

No.