02x01 - The Milk Drought

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Ah, the
elixir of life.

So precious,

and yet in a world of
haves and have-nots,

not everyone gets to have.

But what happens when the haves

don't have the same things
the nots haven't had?

Well, the Three Busy Debras
just won't have that.

♪♪

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

It's the strangest thing.

Normally, when I turn on
the faucet, milk comes out,

but today, when I turn on the
faucet, no milk comes out.

It's the strangest thing.

Well, hurry up and be a
plumber. We are getting thirsty.

Honey, don't talk to me till
I've had my morning white.

♪♪

This just in. My worst
fears have come true.

My co-host and I are
wearing the same outfit,

and neither of us are
willing to change.

[ Clears throat ]

In other news,
Lemoncurd's milk supply

is at an all-time low due
to an unprecedented drought

that shows no sign of
stopping. [ All gasp ]

The Lemoncurd milk brigade
will be rationing out milk

at the reservoir
until further notice.

[ All sigh ] Well, that
doesn't apply to us.

We're not people.
We're Debras.

Let's go take what we deserve,

which is everything
we want and more.

♪♪

One jug of milk per family.

I repeat, one jug per family

But we'll starve.

We're all going to have
to make sacrifices,

but I promise you,

I'll get through this.

Excuse me? Why are you
standing in this way,

one right after the other?

We're waiting in line.

Line? Line.

Feels funny to say,
but what does it mean?

It means we have to wait
our turn to get some milk.

[ Scoffs ] Waiting
for something I want?

Next, you're going to tell me

I have to wait for
something I need.

Ugh.

Excuse me.

You need to wait your
turn like everybody else.

[ Gasping ]

Are you okay? I
will be. Someday.

You're going to regret this,
or my name isn't Debra,

and I'm pretty sure it is.

Not to worry, ladies.

I know exactly how
we'll get that milk.

Shoulders back. Knees up.

Right, left, right, left,
right, left, right, left.

One, two. Let's go.
Debras, faster, faster.

How are we supposed to make
this last for a whole week?

I don't know, Officer Wife.

There's not even enough
milk for Officer Son.

At this rate, he'll
be dead by Tuesday.

And today's Monday,
so that's really

not a lot of
time. [ Whimpers ]

Officer Dad, is
there milk in heaven?

I don't know, Officer Son.

You'll have to let me
know when you get there.

I will.

[ Crying ]

[ Snoring ]

I promise, I'm
going to fix this.

[ Snoring continues ]

♪♪

Okay, Debras, the
heist begins now.

Everyone state your assignment
and one fun fact about yourself.

I'll hack into the mainframe
using top-of-the-line software,

and one fun fact about me is
there's nothing fun about me.

I'll be the Debra on the ground,

and a fun fact about me
is my favorite food is...

I'm young for my grade because
I have a late birthday,

and I'm going to distract
the security guard

doing what I do best.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Whispering ] It's a go.

Copy that.

[ Bones cracking ]

Aah!

We're in.

Debra that, Roger.

[ Breathing heavily ]

♪♪

[ Lever squeaks ]

Debras, I did it!

The heist is complete!

Both: Whoo-hoo! Yay!

Man: Oh, oh, God.

Oh. Oh.

Please help us.

I'm out of a job.
I worked in milk.

My mother died of dehydration.

She was only 102.

She had so much
life left to live.

[ British accent ] How am I
supposed to eat me cookie?!

[ Woman gags, coughing ]

Walk with me.

[ People crying ]

What am I looking at here?

A big tank.

But it used to be
a big tank of milk.

Got robbed last night.

What kind of sicko
would do such a thing?

Hmm.

Hitler. He's a bad guy.

I wouldn't put it past him.

Let's put him down as
suspect number one.

What is it, boss?

Not sure, but it
might be a clue.

Take it down to the station
and run it for prints.

We've got a long
night ahead of us.

♪ Milk, milk ♪

[ Debra #1 laughs ]

[ Cork pops ]

Cheers to a job well done.

The milk may be 2%,
but we have 100% of it.

Nothing tastes as
good as milk steals.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

♪ Milk ♪

♪ Milk, milk, milk, milk ♪

Alright, computer,
work your magic.

[ Beep ] Initiating
computer magic.

Come on.

Why are you making me wait?

Give it.

Give it.

[ Groans ]

Give it to me.

[ Ding ] 100% match.

Yes.

The Debras.

It's always who
you'd least expect.

Calling all units
to Debra's house.

Woman: Oh, Debra's house.

I've been dying to
see the remodel.

I know.

They've been working
on it for months.

[ People chanting,
"We want milk!" ]

[ Gasps ] What's that sound?

[ Chanting continues ]

They're coming for us.

To the armory!

[ All screaming ]

[ Chanting continues ]

- Give us the milk.
- You're k*lling us!

We do not negotiate
with t*rrorists.

Oh, yeah?

[ Spectators gasp, scream ]

[ Laughs ]

Forgive them, father. They
know not what they do.

[ Gasps ] The humanity!

We have to give in. The
stakes are too high.

Like a filet mignon on a shelf.

God damn it, now's not the
time for a perfect joke.

Just tell us what you
want. I beg of you.

So, ladies, what do we want?

♪♪

We're actually all set.

We'll just take the
check. Thank you.

[ All gasp ]

[ Crying ]

Why are you doing this to us?

Because we didn't
want to wait in line!

[ Laughter ]

[ Crying ]

[ Laughter continues ]

[ Crying continues ]

Wait. Th-This
might sound crazy,

but maybe we don't need to
use milk for everything.

I have this bag of pills.
Maybe it'll help your son.

[ People gasp, cheer ]

[ Gasps ]

Hey, I have this soap.

Maybe we can use this
to wash our hands.

How's about you use this
here spot of gasoline

to make your car
go vroom, innit?

Also also why don't
we try drinking water?

[ Cheers ]

[ Gasps ]

Hey! Include us
in the nice thing!

Ladies, you can keep
the milk to yourselves.

I think we're going to
be just fine without it.

[ Laughter and cheers ]

"We're going to be
just fine." Grow up.

♪♪

[ Gasps ] This
tastes like nothing.

♪♪

♪♪

I'm so [gags] grateful
we got what we wanted.

[ Retches ]

Debra, you have to give
me the recipe for this

so that I can make
it for myself.

Of course.

It's rotten milk tossed in
a rotten-milk vinaigrette.

Well, I love it.

[ Ting! ]

Well, time to go back
to me own planet.

♪♪

♪♪