02x02 - The Great Debpression

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: In moments
when we're feeling lost,

the support of a trusted friend

can help us find our
way out of the darkness.

Hmm...

Narrator: But the Three Busy
Debras are allergic to light.

There you are.

Why did you miss brunch?!
We assumed you were dead.

Wait, if she's alive,
who did we just cremate?

- Eeesh.
- Unh.

Do you ever feel like you
have nothing to live for?

I'm falling apart at the seams.

Debra! Stop! Feeling! Sad!

You're bumming me out!

You're acting like I
can control how I feel.

So naive.

I can only control how you feel.

I
can't get through to her.

It's hopeless.

Let me go sweet-talk her. Mm.

Stop that. You
are not depressed.

You're just disgusting.

Oh! I know what will fix it.

Why don't we go to the mall
and get me some new toys?

Ah, that will really
make me feel better.

Please, no.

- Whee!
- Whee!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Time for some retail therapy.

The only form of self-help
my insurance will cover.

You know what they
say about the mall...

If you're not having
fun, you're the problem.

I'm having fun.

Okay, what's our order
of attack here, Debras?

Debra.

When I think about my future,

all I see is a big black hole.

Is there a store for that?

I mean, there is. It's
just really far away.

Enough! I am not gonna
let your bad attitude

ruin my bad attitude.

Come on, let's go!

Welcome to Slippy's Wet
Rugs, home of the wet rug.

How may we wet you?

Do you have this one in sopping?

Leave me alone.

I'm trying to drown.

If you drown in it, you buy it.

We need to get her out of here.

She is going to
ruin our reputation

at the most prestigious rug
store in the entire mall.

Keep the change.

I know today's been a
little rough, Debra.

So we'd like to do something
to make it easier...

for us.

We're gonna cover up your
flaws in so much couture

it'll be like you never burdened
us with your little mood.

It's the least you could do.

You two
are amazing friends.

Thank you. Hee hee hee!

What is your problem?

We've been throwing
money at you all day,

and you're still not happy.

You know, I didn't
think it was possible,

but you guys are somehow
making me feel worse

than I did before.

Oh, thank you.

It feels so good to
make a difference.

I think I need to be alone.

By myself.

Go away!

Fine. But if you need us,

we'll be in the food court.

Mommy, what's wrong
with that old lady?

Don't look at her,
honey. She's unfulfilled.

Hello?

Woman: We've got fresh blood.

Come closer. We don't bite.

We?

Who... Who are you?

Not who.

What.

Welcome to the Cavern
of the Undesirables.

Order!

Welcome to Food Court,

where hot food gets
served cold justice.

We will now hear sentencing

in the case of
Burger vs. Lemoncurd.

I hereby sentence
this burger to...

20 minutes on the grill.

Serves
him right for what he did.

Excuse me. What'd
the burger do?

Cyberbullying.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

You've got some
schmutz on your face.

Why the long face, Debra?

Don't go all Debra on me now.

Sorry.

It's just, seeing the finger
reminded me of its owner...

Debra.

I wonder how she's doing.

Who cares? Mm.

Let's go sit in direct
sunlight on my hot car

and see who passes out first.

Good luck beating me.

I'm really good at passing out

because of all of my
pre-existing conditions.

Woman: There we
go. There we go.

Woman #2: Shh.

Tell us...

your name.

I'm Debra.

Woman: Mm-hmm.

Debra.

- Debra.
- Debra.

I'm Diana.

That's Maureen.

And that's Sarah.

She used to be a paralegal.

How did you end up like this?

And by this, I mean so
disgusting, messed up,

completely destroyed.

We were chewed up and spit
out by so-called friends

who weren't there for
us in our hour of need.

Sound familiar? We have
created a safe space.

- Safe space.
- Safe space.

Where women can express
themselves without fear.

Together: And
selves without...

Enough.

Sorry. Our bad.

Do you want to give it a try?

Um...

Oh, I don't know.

I guess if I had to
pinpoint the problem,

it might be something
sort of that...

I feel like I have all
this wasted potential.

And here I am with seven
PhDs, six Mazadaratis,

and all I got was
this lousy T-shirt?

Oh. If that's all there is,

what's the point?

Woman: Mm.

Wow, that felt amazing!

Thanks, ladies!

I went through
something similar once.

Sorry. Is anyone else hearing,
like, a horrible echo?

When I was 28, I
got my dream job.

Two weeks later, I was
diagnosed with pregnancy.

Oh, my God.

It forced me to make the
hardest decision I...

Well, you want a medal?

What? Excuse me?

I was just trying
to relate to you,

to make you feel less alone.

I'm supposed to feel less alone

when I hear about the time
your baby was pregnant?

God, listening is horrible.

No wonder the Debras
were so mad at me.

Ugh. You know
what? I'm gonna go.

How am I supposed
to get out of here?

Mark my words, Debra.

If you walk through that
door, you can never come back.

Yeah, that's how
doors work, idiot.

Now I'm gonna go back to
my a*usive relationship

with my horrible friends.

I win!

Debra, you came back!

I had the biggest
breakthrough today.

Here we go.

You know what? I'm
gonna keep it to myself.

That's our Debra.

Promise us... You'll
never get depressed again.

If I do, you'll
never hear about it.

Pinkie swear.

Yay!

Man: And now Lemoncurd's

number-one hit
single of the week...

"90 Minutes of Silence."

No. No.

Yeah. Yeah.

Sarah, please.

Don't talk about my
friend Sarah like that.