01x05 - Well Played, Crackers

[bunniefuu]

- I don't know if

I'm gonna take the vaccine.

I think I'll take the vaccine,

but I don't know

if I'm gonna tell anybody.

It might just be, like,

a little dirty secret,

like voting.

I wish it was like

recommending a movie.

Somebody could be like,

"Should I take the vaccine?"

And I'd be like, "I liked it."

You know, I wish

it could be that casual.

[upbeat music]

- Che, baby, look, there's

no money coming in, all right?

COVID's dried everything up.

- All right, well, can't I

just do another animated movie?

Like, "Coco Shango:

The Sequel."

- No, that last one ate sh*t.

All the kids walked out.

- It was on streaming.

- Yeah, they walked out

of their houses,

into the street into traffic.

That's how bad it was.

- Damn.

- I'm not saying

it was your fault.

- Good, 'cause--

- But they're saying

it was your fault, all right?

Something about your voice

and your face.

- My face wasn't even

in the movie.

- Look, we gotta get you back

to doing standup, kid.

All right?

That's where you shine.

You're up stage.

"What's the deal--what's

the deal with this bullcrap?"

Huh?

Everybody's clapping.

They love it.

- I can't do standup, man.

It's a pandemic.

I can't go on tour.

- Yeah, but there's

a vaccine now, all right?

We get you the vaccine,

we start booking some dates,

and then by the summer, you'll

be back like a bump on a lip.

- Why do you always have

to get so f*cking gross, man?

- 'Cause it's cool.

People like it.

- [sighs] I don't know

if I trust that vaccine, man.

- You better f*cking

start trusting it,

or you're gonna have to sell

your f*cking house.

- Hey, hey.

Calm down, man.

I don't have to sell my house.

There's other things

I could do.

I could sell my mother's

house.

- Look, they're only making

a very limited amount

of this vaccine,

and they're only giving it

to people who really,

really, really need it.

Look, I took it, and I'm fine.

- How'd you get it?

- I'm rich.

Come by my place this weekend.

We're having a vaccine party.

It'll be great.

- Am I gonna be

the only Black guy there

again?

- Yes, 100%.

[pensive bass line]

♪

- No matter how hard

you try ♪

You can't stop me now ♪

- Let's just address

the elephant in the room.

There's a lot of reasons

why Black people

don't trust this vaccine

or any vaccine,

but there's one reason

more that reigns supreme:

ooh, Tuskegee.

I will say that

the country came together,

it felt like,

during the pandemic.

But also there was

a lot of companies

trying to relate to us.

They act like

they was helping, but

we didn't need to hear

from all you m*therf*ckers.

Some of y'all

could've just kept quiet

and waited till the fall.

[warm music]

- We at White Castle are

here to salute

our frontline workers

and medical professionals

in these crazy times.

That's why,

since this pandemic started,

we were proud to donate

over 200,000 Crave Cases

to hospitals and frontline

workers as a thank you.

- And in our enthusiasm

to help,

we forgot our burgers tend

to rip straight through people.

[stomach gurgling]

- [moans]

- We deeply regret

the troubles our burgers

may have caused you

in these crazy times.

And we'd also like

to apologize

for all the invaluable

N95 masks

that had to be used

as little crap catchers

in emergency situations.

- Again, we just totally forgot

the damage

these little wet suckers

can do.

I mean, the only reason

we call them sliders

is because they slide

right through your body

at breakneck speed.

- [gags]

- Kinda makes you grateful

that one of the symptoms

is no sense of smell, right?

[laughs]

- [groans]

- What, I can't just go

for one laugh?

- In our defense, we never

expected White Castle

to last this long

as a business.

I mean, we've been trying

to sabotage this place

for years,

and people keep eating here.

- [sighs]

God.

I'd give anything right now

to go to a packed bar

or play a game of pool

or just look at chicks.

- And no, we don't believe

the crazy conspiracies

floating around

that all this started because

a bat ate at White Castle,

and then a guy ate that bat,

and it's all our fault.

- But we do believe we made

a lot of doctors and nurses

sh*t their pants

with our m*rder burgers.

And for that, we're sorry.

[hip-hop music]

♪

- [unintelligible]

Yo, I got white tees,

Clorox wipes,

Jew pants, masks, and

I got the new COVID vaccine.

Two for five, what's good?

- Wait, you got the vaccine?

Yo, let me get two doses.

- Yo, you actually

gonna take that sh*t?

- Hell, yeah, man.

I'm trying to get my life back.

- I ain't taking

that COVID vaccine.

- Why not?

- Because what if that sh*t

don't work?

- It work.

My sh*t loud.

Smell it.

- Hey, man.

I don't know

what I'd be smelling for.

- He right, though.

Yo, that vaccine might cause

mad problems for you.

- [scoffs]

Here we go.

- Word.

Give you the Elvis lip.

- That's stupid.

- Yeah, what if that sh*t

f*ck up my liver?

Can't have that, mmm.

- It's true, though, man.

I don't trust

no drug companies.

They'll give you anything.

- Yeah, true.

- You gotta be careful

what you put in your body,

man.

- Word.

- So y'all know better

than Fauci?

I don't think so.

[clippers buzzing]

- Ooh.

Skepticism is almost an artform

in the Black community.

The more skeptical

you could be,

it's almost

the smarter you are.

You don't have

to really have to make sense.

[muffled laughter]

You just gotta be so skeptical

that we have to give it

some credence.

So much has happened to us,

that we're willing

to believe anything

to make it all make sense.

narrator: We now return

to the 1945 classic film,

"The Ticket."

[dramatic organ music]

- You think I'm stupid,

Clarence.

Where have you been?

- I told ya,

I was just at a party.

- For three days?

And you stink like liquor.

- I had a little taste.

- You was in Tuskegee with

that hussy again, wasn't you?

- Baby, I swear,

I ain't never been

in no damn Tuskegee.

- Oh, yeah?

Then why did I find

this old bus ticket

to Tuskegee in your jacket?

♪

- Okay, fine, I was

in Tuskegee a few times.

- I knew it!

- But it wasn't for no hussy.

I told you

I don't cheat no more.

- Then what was you

doing there?

- I was there doing

a top secret 'speriment

for the government.

- Why would the government

be doing a secret "'speriment"

with you?

- Because I'm smart,

and I got good ideas.

- No, you don't!

- Why you always feel the need

to cut me down?

That's why I drink so much.

- But your story

don't make no sense.

- Don't you see?

It's obvious they want me

to be a super soldier

in the army

so I can win the w*r

and spread justice

across the world.

That's it.

That can be my new name:

the Tuskegee Superspreader.

I like it.

- Yo, what about the flu shot?

I got that too.

all: No.

- You don't need no shot

for the flu.

Pushups and ginger ale, baby.

That's it!

- Yeah, I'd just take

the f*cking flu

to be honest with you.

I mean, I could use a day off.

- Y'all n*gg*s are mad scary.

I get the flu shot every year.

It's nothing.

- All right, well,

what if you fine

but your kids come out

all f*cked up?

- You sound dumb as hell.

- You don't want

no f*cked-up kids.

- Exactly.

- Last thing you want

is a f*cked-up kid.

- I mean, like, if you

can avoid that, you should.

- I can't live

with no f*cked-up kid, man.

- Oh.

[laughs]

- I wouldn't say that.

- I mean, coming out

all 't*rd, big-a*s head.

I ain't doing that.

- Why--

Why you gotta go there, man?

- What's wrong with you?

- It's 2021.

- You know what?

G got a point though.

'Cause yo, I was reading

that doing vaccines

been causing mad problems

in children, yo.

- Like making them g*y

and sh*t, right?

- Whoa, no.

I was--

- Again, see, man, why you

always gotta go that far?

- Wait a minute, G,

you got, like, eight kids.

You haven't vaccinated them?

- Hell nah.

They mothers

probably did though.

- [scoffs]

You are bugging, dog.

- Look, I vaccinated my kids,

I'm not gonna front,

but for, like, polio

and measles and smallpox.

- Rickets, asbestos.

- Old timey sh*t.

Not this COVID-19.

It's too new.

- I ain't gonna lie,

if I had kids,

I would give them

the COVID vaccine.

- So you would give

your baby something

that you don't trust

for yourself?

- I guess.

- Yup.

- And I sound stupid to you?

- Okay, but there's sh*t

that babies could have

that grownups can't have.

- Like drinking breast milk.

- Exactly!

- Or circumcising.

- Circumcising?

- That's like turning your

sweater into a sweater vest

but for your d*ck.

- Exactly.

You can do that sh*t to babies

because they can't feel it.

- Who told you that?

- I ain't never circumcising

my kids.

I'm not circumcised,

and look, I turned out good.

- Dog, you're selling vaccines

in a barbershop.

You're not good.

- No, you're not good.

- You're, like,

the opposite of good.

- I wouldn't use "good"

to describe you.

- Not at all.

[urinating]

- Davis.

- Oh, hey, Mr. Johnson.

- We were all very impressed

with your report, Davis.

Great work again.

- I really appreciate that,

sir.

- You know,

we could use a man like you

in our junior exec program.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- It would be an honor, sir.

[dramatic music]

- Uh, yeah, on second thought,

I've changed my mind.

You're not quite

the right fit.

♪

- Not again.

- Are you an adult male

that has not been circumcised?

I know I am.

And if you're like me,

you're probably wondering

what if there was a way

to decorate that extra flesh

on your p*nis so that

it wasn't just hanging there?

Well, now there is.

narrator: Introducing Dr.

Thurgood Carver's d*ck Ties.

- This tiny bow

I've made to tie at the end

of your uncircumcised p*nis

so that it looks like

a cute little sausage link.

See?

Look how cute that looks.

Now I dare the fellows

in the shower down at the gym

to laugh at this.

[laughs]

They'll probably laugh anyway

just 'cause

they're not mature enough

to tell you why

they don't like something.

But you'll know it looks good,

and that's what matters.

Now, how much would you pay

for that?

$5, maybe $10?

sh*t, I'd pay for that.

- Ah, Davis.

I wanted to talk to you

more about your reports.

They were--

[shimmering tones]

- Sir.

- Pretty good.

Pretty damn good, actually.

Hey, you got the promotion,

son.

[laughs]

- All right!

narrator: Dr. Thurgood

Carver's d*ck Ties.

- [laughs]

- I'm surprised at you, Che.

I mean, you on TV.

I would've thought you got

the vaccine already.

- I mean, they're trying

to make me take it.

My white manager's trying

to get me to take it,

but I don't trust that sh*t.

- Smart.

- Y'all are crazy, man.

- Besides, if everybody else

is taking the vaccine,

then why I gotta take it?

- Because you can still

catch that sh*t and die, man.

- I'll take my chances.

- All I know is,

I can't do another quarantine.

- Word, sh*t feel like prison,

man.

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- For real.

- Locked in the house all day.

- Can't hug your family.

- Can't go nowhere.

No girls.

- I mean, there's girls.

- I think he means, like,

it's hard to meet girls.

- Oh, it's because they all got

on masks and sh*t, right?

Like, you can't see they face.

- Exactly.

How am I supposed to tell

who's ugly or not?

- Yeah, I don't know

about that,

but I can't go through

another lockdown, man.

- For real.

- You can't go out eat.

Ain't no clubs.

- Right?

- Sleeping on your back,

guards checking your

booty cheeks for weapons.

- The f*ck are you

talking about, man?

- Lockdown, baby.

You can't leave the building,

your mama talking to you

through a glass window,

and you taking showers

with n*gg*s all day.

- That's just all prison stuff,

man.

- Which part?

- All of it, n*gga.

- All of it, dude.

- Every word you said.

- You're just saying jail sh*t,

man.

- What about the herpes shot?

I got that too.

One, two, three, four, five.

One of y'all got herpes.

[phone rings]

- Uh-huh.

All right, all right.

Thank you.

Clarence!

Get up, Clarence!

[dramatic organ music]

♪

- Okay, look, baby,

I know what you're gonna say.

- The doctor told me you done

burnt me up down there.

- Now, baby,

that wasn't my fault.

If you just let me explain--

- Oh, there's nothing

to explain.

You been out here

with these hussies,

you done caught something,

and then you brought it

back here to me,

you nasty b*stard.

- I wasn't messing

with no hussies.

I told you,

I'm done with that!

It's from them

Tuskegee 'speriments.

- Shut up about them

phony 'speriments.

- Naw, I'm serious.

The man told me there might

be some possible side effects.

Something called

super syphilis.

- Syphilis?

- No, super syphilis.

Them crackers tricked us

real good, baby.

We gotta stick together

on this.

- Well, the doctor didn't tell

me nothing about no syphilis.

But he told me you done gave me

gonorrhea and crabs!

- Gonorrheaand crabs?

Oh, well, that's gotta be

from them Tuskegee

experiments too,

'cause there was a whole bunch

of side effects

I ain't even read.

- I don't believe you,

Clarence.

- I'm telling you the truth.

I done gave up

them cheating ways now.

- Yeah?

Then what is this?

- It look like a puppy

or something.

- It's a baby, fool.

Some woman done dropped him

off

at the doorstep,

said it belonged to you.

- Well, it ain't mine.

- He's wearing your boxers.

- [coos]

- Wow!

[laughs]

Them crackers is tricky, baby!

Well played, crackers.

[laughs]

Well played.

- n*gga.

narrator: "The Ticket"

will return

after a word

from our sponsors.

[dramatic piano music]

- Bold, strength,

brave, excellence,

power, Blackness.

Your life matters

which is why right now,

in these serious times,

White Castle is offering

two Crave Cases

for the price of one in all

of our inner city locations.

Courage, soul,

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.,

unity, peace,

jalapeño cheese sliders,

just 28 cents

with the purchase

of any large drink

for all 28 days of February.

Your voice matters.

Use it.

Ask to try one of our new,

delicious smoothies

at 1/2 price.

We know that

inner city neighborhoods

have kept our doors open

from the start,

and we know

that these communities

have been hit hardest

by this pandemic

due to preexisting

health conditions

like diabetes

and heart disease,

probably from a steady diet

of our delicious, sopping wet

m*rder burgers.

So this February,

we are giving away a foot

to someone in need.

We're in the fight together

because Black lives matter

to us.

White Castle,

bold move.

- I remember I went

in the shower,

and I couldn't smell

my shampoo.

And I was like,

"What the f*ck is going on?"

So I started

smelling everything.

Remember that scene in,

like, what was it?

"Helen Keller Story"

when she's walking around.

"Water, water."

That was me

with COVID symptoms, like,

smelling spices and peppers.

Is this just me?

Nobody else went through this?

- Yo, y'all know this vaccine

is how they gonna put

the chip in you, right?

- Yup.

- Chip?

- The microchip, son.

The mark of the beast.

- Stupid, yo.

- I'm telling you.

That's how they gonna

get everybody.

- Who's they?

- Bill Gates and them.

- The computer n*gga?

- Yeah!

Not just him.

All them secret society n*gg*s.

Obama, Rihanna.

- "Shark Tank."

All of them.

The New World Order, brah.

- I'm telling you,

sh*t is in the Bible.

Read up.

- It's crazy, man.

'Cause everything in the

Bible's happening right now.

- Word, right?

Plagues and sh*t.

- So you n*gg*s religious now?

- Nah, I don't go to church,

but I'm spiritual,

and I do read.

And I'm telling you,

this vaccine sh*t,

this is all part

of they plan, yo.

- That's how they get you.

- Damn, that's actually

pretty deep.

- Eh, these n*gg*s

said the same thing

when the iPhone came out.

- Man, why you gotta scan

my face using my thumbprint

just to unlock my phone?

That's the mark of the beast.

- That's how they get you.

- Yup.

I was just reading

about it on Twitter.

Twitter?

So everybody can read

all my controversial opinions

and then use them against me

in the future?

That's the mark of the beast.

- That's how they get you.

- Just call my cell.

Man, I'm not walking around

with no cell phone

so they can track

my every move.

- That's how they get you.

- Just call the house!

A house phone?

sh**t.

I don't want them people

listening to my conversations

when I'm at home.

- That's how they get you.

- Just send me a pigeon.

- [laughs]

- A pigeon?

So they can sh**t it

while it's flying,

and then read

my important messages?

- That's how they get you.

- Just sing me a song.

Singing gospel songs

in the cotton fields

as a secret code

to send messages

to other sl*ves

so the master don't know?

- [whispers]

That's how they get you.

- You better learn how to drum.

- Why you think

they want Black folks

to take that vaccine first?

They ain't slick, they trying

to 'speriment on us, brother.

- Man, whatever, dog.

I'm taking that sh*t.

- If you Black

and you take that sh*t,

you crazy.

With the history of this

country f*cking us over,

how you gonna trust them?

- You know what?

That's a good point.

Actually, I ain't taking

that vaccine.

- Word.

- Like, hell nah,

I ain't taking that vaccine.

- Exactly.

- Hell yeah.

- I would never

take that vaccine!

All right, and you're sure

this vaccine is gonna work?

- Yes, totally.

You're gonna love it.

- It's loud.

Smell it.

- Okay, I don't know

what that means.

- Che, baby, please.

Come here, come on.

Just shut the f*ck up

and do it.

- I just don't wanna

get Elvis lip.

- What?

- Elvis lip.

Forget it.

Let's just get this over with.

[upbeat music]

[sighs]

- That vaccine might cause

mad problems for you.

[ominous music]

♪

- If you take that sh*t,

you crazy.

- I took it.

I'm fine.

- Well played, crackers.

[laughs]

- With the history of this

country f*cking us over,

how you gonna trust them?

- That's the mark

of the beast.

- This is all part

of they plan.

- That's how they get you.

- Nah, nah, I'm sorry.

I can't take this vaccine.

[crowd aws]

I really appreciate y'all

for inviting me to this party,

but there's a lot of history

in this country,

and as Black American,

I feel like it's my--

- What are you talking about?

I already gave it to you, man.

- Hey, man!

What the f*ck?

You didn't even lift my sleeve.

- Oh, no, I was afraid

you were gonna back out.

- And he was right to,

right, everybody?

Yeah!

Come on!

We're allies!

Yes!

- But the important question

is:

how do you feel?

- I feel fine.

[excited chatter]

- He feels fine.

I think it works.

- You think?

[applause]

What do you mean,

"You think it works"?

- Since it works,

why don't we all take it?

- You haven't taken it yet?

- Who wants to get a shot?

- Ooh, me!

[excited chatter]

[upbeat music]

[ominous music]

- Hey!

[Elvis Presley's "Jailhouse

Rock", instrumental]

♪