02x07 - Twenty-Year Sitch

[bunniefuu]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Congratulations, Major Shah,

on 20 years of distinguished service

in the United States Army.

I insisted on being here today

in front of your friends and family

to bestow this honor upon you

and take it away from Colonel Quinn.

[LAUGHS]

Well done, Major Shah. There we go.

- Thank you, sir.
- [APPLAUSE]

- Thank you so much.
- All right.

- Whoo!
- Hell yeah!

- Happy 20 years!
- [PAPADAKIS] Happy 20th!

- Happy 20 years.
- Twenty years.

I can't believe it. In my two decades,

the American military

has won and abandoned
so much of the Middle East.

- Yeah.
- But what's made it worthwhile

are the friends and family
I've made along the way,

like all of you.

Now I know how much you like

- the movie Up.
- I do.

I got 80 more of these in the van.

You wanna see if I can get lift off

in a high ceiling room or what?

I was hoping you'd say that.

And I know how much

you love nasty grandma candy.

- Oh, hard candy wreath.
- Yeah.

My favorite. Including
all the best flavors.

- Brown, light brown and beige.
- Mm, yes.

- You guys, this is too much.
- [MAGGIE] No, it's not.

Twenty years is deserving
of an honorable... gift.

The singing cactus I sent
you so many TikToks about.

Is it the one that's
inappropriately somber?

Um...

♪ Amazing... ♪

Ooh, h*, h*.

It is the one.

Aw, this is just what I wanted.

I did, I didn't know this was a thing.

So you're traditionally
not into things and...

Oh, it's, you know. It's not a thing.

- It's not a thing. It's...
- No, it's a big thing.

Twenty is not just the big
thing, it's the biggest thing.

- Yeah.
- It means you get your pension

and your lifetime healthcare,
and more important

than anything else, really,

the respect and acknowledgment of moi.

- A challenge coin.
- Yeah.

Six different colors.

You guys, thank you for all the gifts.

- I love you, man.
- Yeah, we care about you.

Oh, also, I forgot. I got you, um, this.

It's a matcha, and I just
tried a little bit of it

- to make sure it's not too cold.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

I held it until the ice melted.

[CHUCKLES] Hm.

- You got him a drink?
- Mm-hmm.

[PATRICK] That you already drank.

Uh, this is gonna hit the spot.

- Thanks a lot. Yeah.
- Aw.

Do I have to drink it?

[THEME MUSIC]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Oh, are you packing
for your camping trip?

Celebrating Major Shah's 20 years.

- It's a rite of passage.
- Yeah.

I think it's great that the two of you

get to spend some time together.

One last hurrah.

What are you talkin' about?

Now that he's hit 20,

he's considering retirement

and has met with the transition
officer at Baumholder.

I don't believe you.
I think you're lying.

You know this is privileged information

that you cannot act on,
which makes it more fun for me.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [DOOR OPENS]

- Yeah, yeah. Hey.
- Oh, hey. General Davidson.

Didn't realize you were still here.

Major Shah, I didn't realize
that you were still here.

Hey, you know what?
I was just checkin' the weather

about our trip tonight,
and it looks, it looks crazy.

There's a cold front coming in,
it's gonna rain,

and now they're saying snow, so I think

maybe we should move it,
like, six months

to the summertime.
You'll be here, right?

I already got permission
from Celeste for tonight.

Um, not that I need her permission,

because I am my own man.

- I do what I wanna do.
- Sure.

You know, but I'll check
the calendar, all right.

Great. Summer, six months from now.

What about 12 months?

Well, the, uh, app doesn't go that far.

I have a feeling that the weather

will be even better in 12 months.

It's a feeling, that's not the app.

What weather app are we lookin' at?

- Just answer the question.
- The... Okay.

Uh, well, the weather looks
pretty great right now,

so why don't we give tonight a shot

and just see how it goes, maybe?

Smart. Keep your options open.

Okay, so then I'll see you
tonight, colonel.

Or in 12 months.

Maybe 18 months, because I don't know

- what's happening here.
- Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

I hope I haven't ruined your trip.

[PATRICK] Oh, you haven't
ruined my trip.

It's the camping trip

where I convince Shah to become a lifer.

The only thing
that's gonna convince Shah of

is that he should
have retired five years ago.

- [CHUCKLES]
- You need a hobby, sir.

This... is my hobby.

- Huh.
- [DAVIDSON CHUCKLES]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

I know you loved seeing Celeste

completely blow it
in front of her husband,

who you're secretly in love with.

No, I did not.

I really would like one side
of the love triangle

to be happy, right? Let's get...

- Whoa!
- Hi.

- Oh!
- Scrooch over.

- Oh, um...
- Can I just scoot?

- Oh, yeah. Come in.
- Okay.

- Sit down.
- Can I ask you guys something?

- Of course.
- Okay.

Do you think that Abe was upset

that I, like,
didn't do more for his 20th?

- No. No.
- No. No.

In fact, I think he might be upset

at the idea of you being upset.

- Oh, my gosh, yeah.
- More than he could be upset.

I feel like that totally summarizes

our whole relationship.

We're constantly
misinterpreting each other.

I'll think he's, like, mad,

but really he's just hungry.

And then I'll think he's hungry,

when really
he just wants to make a baby.

- [COUGHS]
- Mm, yeah.

- Straight couples are crazy.
- [CELESTE] I really wanna

make it up to him. I know he
really loved those presents.

Especially that little cactus.

- Did he say that?
- I can tell.

- Can you or maybe he's hungry?
- [CHUCKLES]

I was hoping I could run
some ideas past you guys.

- Yep.
- Uh, we're actually busy.

- No, let's go off, queen.
- We're so busy.

- Give us the list.
- How about a hot stone massage?

- Oh.
- Like, I take some rocks

from our yard, preheat the oven.

Okay, hold on, hold on. Outside rocks?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, those are jagged.

Like you need special stones to...

And special training.

- Yeah, that too.
- Or a vacation.

- What if I made us dinner?
- Lovely.

Well, that's better than
rubbing on him with rocks.

- Well, yeah.
- It's dinner in bed.

- [CELESTE] Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Bed.

And I'll make his favorite
spaghetti and meatballs.

That sounds like a wet meal for bed.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah, wet bed.
- Like too wet for bed.

Or, you know,
even speaking of di-dinner,

you could plan a dinner
with his friends.

[GASPS] That is such a good idea.

I don't know why I was overthinking it.

- Yeah, do that.
- Yeah, great.

- Do that.
- Mm-hmm.

- Would you guys help me plan it?
- Hm?

'Cause my marriage is kind of
on the line.

- Um, I...
- Yes.

Of course.

- Yes? Yes?
- Yes.

- We would love to help you.
- Aw.

So you're gonna save this marriage.

We are gonna save this marriage.

- Oh, my gosh!
- Yeah, we-we are.

"Save your marriage" on three.

- Yeah!
- One, two, three.

[ALL] Save your marriage.

- And break.
- [LAUGHS]

[PATRICK] All right, pal.

Tonight is all about us, the woods.

And some knives.

And some whiskey and some axes
and some g*ns

- and a small cannon.
- A cannon?

You won't find that at a civilian job.

No, you won't.

Well, I guess it varies state to state.

Yeah, all I know is that
I'm really looking forward

to some time in nature to clear my head,

- you know what I mean?
- Thanks, pal.

What are you doing, what?

- Oh!
- Who's driving?

- Me.
- Yeah, it's one of the perks

of the 20-year club.
You don't have to drive anymore.

- Hey.
- Don't worry.

- He's gonna stay in the van.
- Okay.

- Yeah, yeah.
- That's fine by me, man.

[DOORS CLOSE]

So I finally finished Game of Thrones.

- Oh, yeah?
- For the second time.

So, I'm gonna binge the Bible.

- Ah.
- Complete unabridged audiobook.

Did you know it's the highest
selling book of all time?

- Mm-hmm.
- Did know that, yeah.

Sold more copies than Da Vinci Code,

which is also about Jesus, so I guess

it's extended Bible universe.

You mean, uh, Christianity?

Uh, da-da-da! No spoilers.

- Let's go.
- [ENGINE STARTS]

- Oh!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

- Oh, man.
- [CAR DOOR SHUTS]

- What are you doing here?
- Well, what you said about

keeping Major Shah in
the army got me thinking.

- Oh, so you came to help me?
- Hell no. No, no, no.

I just realized how much
Shah means to you,

so I'm gonna make sure you fail.

And at the end
of this desperate attempt,

he decides to retire.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Guess what? You're not invited.
- What?

Being top of the chain of command,

I get to invite myself
wherever I wish to go.

As a matter of fact, I crashed
nine weddings this year

and didn't bring a single gift.

Oh, and also,
I've invited a couple of lifers

- along that you know.
- Who?

Come on, man.

- Merkle and Funt?
- Mm-hmm.

They're gonna ruin the whole trip.

- Mm-hmm.
- Funt never talks,

but his body makes so many noises.

[LAUGHS] Let's go, boys.

[VAN DOOR SLIDES OPEN]

General, Lieutenant Colonel

and Major Charisma.
What a treat. [CHUCKLES]

- Slide over.
- Oh.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.
- Oh, okay.

- You're comin' along too?
- Absolutely.

'Cause we're gonna
have some fun, my friend.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Yep. Do you think the army
made a man out, of you now?

Wait till you become a lifer.

When you reject civilization completely

and all its temptations.

That's when your body allows you

to get into peak physical condition.

All right.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

- Woo-hoo, that was fun.
- Hey!

Why, don't we fight with these anymore?

Because... we're lost as a society.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[HANK] And now the Bible,
written by God.

Read by Hank Azaria.

"In the beginning, God created
the heavens and the earth.

Now the earth was formless and empty.

Darkness was over
the surface of the deep.

And the spirit of God was
hovering over the waters.

Let there be light.

And, there was light."

Damn, that's a hell of a start.

- [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- [CELESTE] You were right.

This is much better
than doing it in bed.

But we can still do our favorite

- spaghetti and meatballs.
- That's so funny.

I've... never seen him
eat that one time.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Well, it was more my favorite.

And then he started making it for me.

And now we just always eat it together.

- Cute.
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we could do that.

We could have Shah

make y-your spaghetti and meatballs

for his... celebration dinner.

Or... just spitballing.

Um, I do know that

there is a really authentic
Indian place in town

that Shah really loves.
He says it reminds him

of his grandmother's cooking.

- Oh.
- So that's just an option.

- Yeah.
- Great.

Okay, that's perfect 'cause
I actually already ordered it

and they threw in the utensils for free.

- Whoo!
- [CELESTE CHUCKLES]

You are doing such a good job.

This is just gonna be amazing.

You're crushing it. I'll see you later.

- Okay.
- [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Look at you losers
sweating your asses off.

And not me, I got three layers on.

I haven't sweat a drop.

That might be a pituitary issue, sir.

You should probably check that out.

No, it's not, it's a control issue.

I have power over my body.

- [POPS]
- Uh, no thanks.

I don't really like to drink that much.

It, uh, it makes me yell.

Well, if you're not yelling,

are you really saying anything?

You know what?
Whatever. I'm not driving.

- There you go.
- [GULPING]

- Wow. Wow!
- [LAUGHING]

- Okay, here we go.
- Yeah. There it is.

It's what it's all about.
This is the life.

[DAVIDSON] It sure is. You know what?

Let's make this
a little more interesting

with a little unfriendly competition

that I learned from
a couple of enlisted men.

And never... have I ever

had my highest rank be colonel or lower.

So drink up, you subordinate losers.

[LAUGHING]

[HANK] "Refusing to budge,
the donkey turned to his owner

and began to speak.

Hey, did you not see
the angel in the road?"

Talking donkeys.
The Bible's like Shrek,

if Shrek had a lot of animal sacrifice.

[PATRICK] Well, never have I ever...

launched a full scale attack
on a flock of of geese.

They were invading our airspace.

- They were migrating.
- All right, okay.

- Oh, my God.
- I think, uh, I think I'm done.

It's getting a little hot
in here. I'm gonna...

Uh, what are you talking about?
This is the brotherhood.

This is how we have fun, right?

[LAUGHS] Make each other laugh.

This is what you have to look
forward to when you're a lifer.

And we know we can trust you
'cause you're an honorable

and trustworthy person.

You wouldn't abandon us, quit

and take some stupid civilian job.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, uh...

Is that what this is about?

Did you guys find out that I met
with a transition officer?

Well, nothing happens on my base
without my knowing about it.

Yeah, so we know you're leaving me.

Us. The army.

Uh, I haven't decided anything, okay?

This is a really tough choice
and I just met

with a transition officer
because Celeste wanted me to.

She's leaving the army and
she wanted me to take my 20

and retire and possibly
save... our marriage.

And I'm saying it's time to
get rid of your ball and chain.

- What?
- Uh, the colonel, of course.

- You know, I am tired, old man.
- You? What are you starting now?

- I'm tired of your stuff.
- Tired?

You're constantly riding me.

- All you do...
- Because you need to be ridden.

- Oh, really?
- [DAVIDSON] Yeah, exactly.

That's it. I-I can't. I just
can't anymore. It's too much.

It's too much for me. And stop, stop.

You know, I just wanted
a night in the woods.

That's it. Me, some axes, good times.

My future might be
hanging in the balance,

but one thing I do know for certain

is that I don't wanna
end up sad and alone

eating beans in a tent

in some sick competition
with my sworn enemy

because I don't have any wives left.

Well, but that's
because he's a narcissist.

No, he's the narcissist.

You're both narcissists.

I told you drinking makes me yell.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

- How's it going?
- Good.

- What's up?
- So, um...

Yeah, I could really use
Rick Silver's number right now.

You put his number in my phone
for safekeeping.

And remember what we agreed to?

That it had to be World w*r III,

and I would only get it
if I wanted one last ride

- before the world ended.
- And is it World w*r III?

No, but it's close, okay?

I can't stop myself from helping Celeste

try to save her marriage to...
a guy that I have fallen for.

I offered to write her speech.

What? Why would you do that to yourself?

Because she couldn't find any word

that rhymed with obligation.

- I can't help myself.
- Yeah.

But you can help me.

And Rick Silver is not the answer.

He is a CIA liar who destroyed your life

like it's a foreign
leftist government. I'm sorry,

- I'm not giving you his number.
- Fine.

Yeah.

Do you know anything
that rhymes with obligation?

- Frustration.
- Actually, do you have a pen?

Girl, let Celeste write her own speech.

I'll go get my own pen.

[ABRAHAM] Fifteen mile hike
over uneven ground.

[SCOFFS] I've done worse.

One of them? I'm not one of them.

[SCOFFS] I can live my life however I...

- [SCREAMS]
- [THUDS]

[ABRAHAM] Oh, this is bad.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Shah, I know you're mad,

but you can't leave me alone
with these turds.

All right, man? You're driving me crazy.

Shah!

Hey, Shah.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Look, I told him the truth.

Army life is hard.

Yeah, which is how we like it.

Yes. Yes, we do. But you
know what? Let me ask you.

Did you ever once think
about leaving after 20 years?

- No.
- Me neither. That's our answer.

As much as I would love to wound you,

he's gotta find it on his own.

What, are you Buddha now? Do me a favor.

Just focus on the search

and try not to declare w*r on the geese.

[FUNT WHEEZING]

- What's that?
- [FUNT WHEEZING]

Uh, Funt, he has breathing issue.

He had a handful of vertebrae removed,

and now his neck is too short.

- What, like a pug?
- Mm.

- Oh, my God.
- [ABRAHAM] Help!

- 2 o'clock.
- 2 o'clock.

- Hey.
- Oh, yes.

I-I sprained my ankle.

I can't really put any pressure on it.

I... Can you call for help?

We don't call for help.

We are the help. [CHUCKLES]

General, you remember
how to make a stretcher?

Funt, stop breathing
and find some branches.

- Oh. Oh!
- Three miles down.

And one to go.

[ABRAHAM GROANS]

- Hey.
- All right, guys.

Let him down here. [EXHALES]

[GROANS]

Let me see if I got a signal.

Yep, I do.

[LINE RINGING]

Come on, Papadakis. Let's go. Let's go.

[HANK] "And before me was a pale horse,

and the rider was Death."

What?

Death was riding the horse. Dude.

The Bible is everything.

Papadakis, you had one... job.

We're gonna have to carry you
the last mile or so.

- Okay.
- Here we go.

- One, two, three.
- Okay.

- [GRUNTS] You ready?
- [DAVIDSON] Yep.

Don't worry.
Only the last half is uphill.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

He's coming. He's coming. He's coming.

[ALL] Surprise!

- You did this all for me?
- Well, 20 years is a big deal.

Do you want a drink?

Um, after, uh, falling down a hill

and crying in a pile of leaves,

I can confidently say
I'm never gonna drink again.

So Shirley Temple.

- Here, sit down. Sit.
- Okay.

[MAN 1] Congratulations, man.
[ABRAHAM] Thanks.

[ABRAHAM CHUCKLES]
This is... This is crazy.

You look a lot better
than you did in the van.

[SIGHS] Yeah.

- Appreciate that.
- Yeah, it was.

And, sir, I wanted
to tell you something.

What? That you have weak ankles?

I-I knew that the first time I saw you

- walk in a basketball court.
- Okay, please.

I've seen oak trees with more
lateral movement than you.

Uh, what I was trying to say is that...

I don't know
if I'm gonna stay in the army.

But I know... that I was wrong.

I would be proud to be one of you.

Yeah. Listen...

I was wrong... is
what Davidson would be saying

if he was here, because
everything that went wrong

- on this trip was his fault.
- Mm.

I, the thing I did want to say to you is

I think you should take some time to

really think about this,

'cause it's not just,
like, vaguely your future.

This is, like, the rest of your life.

So I think you should share it
with something

that sees you for who you are

and shares your passion and your values,

whether that's the US army
or something else.

- Like my wife?
- Yeah, it could be a person.

You know, it could be a person.

You biting your tongue right now?

- No, no, cheek.
- Hmm.

If I bit down this hard
on my tongue, I'd lose it.

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [GLASS CLINKS]

Hello. Hi. I want to thank everybody

for coming out here to... celebrate Abe.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

I'm sorry. I can't pull myself away.

Dead Sea Scrolls just dropped,
and there's, like,

a lot of debate on the message boards

- whether it's canon or not.
- Okay.

[CELESTE] Um, Abe...

there's nobody like you.

You're obsessed with Broadway shows,

but you don't want anyone to know.

Like, we don't hear you singing

Suddenly, Seymour in the laundry room.

- [CELESTE LAUGHS]
- We can.

You only own one bowl,
and you wash it after every use.

An impressive system
that we should all follow.

But the thing I love most about you

is your unique ability...
to be there for us

without us knowing it. You support us.

You make us feel like
we're doin' it all on our own.

You're the sky, the moon, the grass.

You don't demand attention.

But nothing would be
the same without you.

My life wouldn't be
the same without you.

So, uh, let's all...
raise our glasses to Abe.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [ALL CHEERING]

- Is that okay?
- Thank you for that. Okay?

- To this.
- Yeah.

- [APPLAUDING]
- Yeah.

Ooh, biryani. Yes.

The Aloo Gobi, LoGo. [CHUCKLES]

- Careful with that. Hop-hop.
- All right.

- I'll get better at it.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.

All right, look, Celeste,

I know things have been
a little tricky for us.

And I know we've been
talking a lot about,

um, whether a future together
makes sense, right?

And, um, after that toast,
it just confirmed it.

I mean, you understand me
more than I was sure of before.

- And so I-I know that...
- I didn't write the toast.

Or... plan this magical night.
Maggie did.

- Wait. Maggie?
- I'm so sorry.

I know that I messed up,

and I wanted to make it right,

but I-I didn't really know
where to start.

[INHALES] And I've just been
having such a hard time.

- [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- Hm.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

It shouldn't be this much work.

No.

No one could say we didn't try.

We tried so hard.

I mean, we wore
those marriage counselors out,

but it feels like you and me
both know it's over.

Hm.

And I've always been bothered
by that one bowl system.

I-I think it's normal to have 12 bowls.

Okay, what are you gonna do,
invite 11 people over

- for a cereal party?
- I'd like to have the option.

[ABRAHAM CHUCKLES]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

- Seriously, Maggie?
- Ooh, wee!

"The sky, the grass, the moon."

Wait, so that's how you feel about Shah?

I would have delivered it better.

[MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS]

[INHALES DEEPLY] Yeah.

[CHUCKLES] Yo.

Dead Sea Scrolls has Goliath at 6'6.

David about to cook this fool for real.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay.

He's gonna get cooked, yo.

[INDISTINCT SONG]

[PAPADAKIS] How does one
explain this to a layman?

- So there are talking animals.
- Right.

And a talking bush.
And talking people. [CHUCKLES]

But a lot of books have that, right?

But this book...

CIA agent, Rick Silver.

- Oh, my God, you came.
- What's up?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.

Babe, I am so glad
you Facebook messaged my mom.

- Well.
- I haven't been able to stop

- thinkin' about you. I just...
- Okay,

I stopped listening
after "babe." Come here.

- Mmm.
- Oh, so reliably hot.

- I know, and you are too.
- Right.

- You are too, you are too.
- Stop!

[INDISTINCT SONG OVER SPEAKERS]

Hey, um, has anyone seen Maggie?

[CHUCKLES] Yes, everybody's seen Maggie.

[DANA] Over there with the worst
ex-boyfriend to ever do it.

[HOWLING]

He's like glitter from a strip club.

Impossible to get rid of.

[CHILDREN] It's going so well.