01x05 - Tom Urinates on Boston/First Responder

[bunniefuu]

-♪ Now as our poor

young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit

♪ I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up

those I used to hate ♪

♪

♪ The feeling that

we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanations ♪

♪ Can't expect

our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ Therein lies a truth

we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow,

we can float anywhere ♪

- $6 for a shirt?

- Isn't that what shirts cost?

- $9 dollars for pants?

- How much cheaper could pants

possibly be?

- Excuse me, ma'am,

if you're interested,

we have this rack over here

for a dollar a shirt,

- The Reject Rack?

- No, we're not

Reject Rack people.

- We actually are

Reject Rack people.

- No, we're pretty classy.

- I would like

to check these out.

- Who would wear these?

- Tom, look at this one.

"My other T-shirt

is a jean jacket."

- I can't wear that to school.

I'll be laughed

out of the place.

- Tom, Count Chocula

on a skateboard.

- Mom, Mom, these T-shirts

are terrible.

- Oh, buddy. "Here's the beef."

And it's got an arrow

pointing down to your crotch.

- These clothes have been

rejected by society.

- Tom, they're a dollar.

Now go pick your favorite ten,

and your wardrobe's all set

for the next year.

- They're all equally bad.

- Pick your favorite ten

of the equally bad ones.

I hope you can find

some winners.

[bell rings]

- Hey, Nelson,

can I ask you a question?

What's your honest take

on this shirt?

- Oh, Tom, it's a look.

It's definitely a look.

- Yeah?

- But this one might be

a little bit too much.

- I should've worn

the Mitt Romney one.

Dakota, what do you think?

- Oh, wow.

I can't tell if I'm offended

or I'm really impressed.

- Offended?

The guy at the thrift shop

clearly said,

"No nips, no problem."

- I think as we get older,

one thing you're gonna look

back on is

which adults you listened to.

- Okay, g*ng.

Today we are playing kickball.

So I need you to split up

into two teams--

wait, hold on a second.

Uh-uh. No, no, no.

Not in my class.

- Oh, the T-shirt?

Is it--you don't like the--

the partial nudity?

- Think I care

about nudity, boy?

- No.

- I will not have

a student of mine

wearing a Red Sox garment.

- Oh, the Red Sox.

- In this class,

we are Yankee fans.

- Oh, no, I'm not

a fan of anything.

It's just a random

thrift shop purchase.

- Tom, the playoffs are

coming up

and I can't afford you

to jinx it.

The shirt's gotta go.

- What do you--you want me

to remove my--my shirt?

- Take it off.

- No, I can't take it off.

I mean--

- Oh, you're taking it off.

Tell you what,

you don't take it off--

- Please. Please.

- I'ma take it off for you.

That's right. Come here.

- Stop, stop.

- This is a new low,

even for our school.

- Go ahead. Film it.

Everybody film it.

I want the world to know

that Boston sucks.

Now give me this shirt. Yes!

- You're out of control, Coach.

- I'm not.

This is what I think

of your Red Sox around here.

- Oh, my god.

- Now watch it burn, kids.

Watch it burn.

[exciting music]

- I'm on the field

where earlier today,

an enraged sports fan

burned the shirt of a student.

Here's a clip of the horror

as it unfolded.

- Tom, you sit in the corner

and you watch this shirt burn.

Damn it.

- Can you even imagine

what was going on

in this maniac's mind?

I know I can't.

This shirtless child should act

as a reminder to us all

that hey, it's just a game.

- Okay, I know how this looks,

everybody,

but that clip was

taken out of context.

- Was it?

- Yes.

They didn't show

any of the kickball stuff.

- This is bad, okay?

We can't be teaching kids

how to hate.

- I don't get

where it comes from myself.

My Uncle Bill is from Boston,

and he's a really sweet guy.

- Uncle Bill sound

like a damn fool.

- Why? Based on what?

- He just sounds like a idiot.

- Okay.

This is what I'm talking about.

Let's make this

a teachable moment.

- Teachable moment? How?

- How?

- Yeah, how?

- I'll tell you how.

We do a field trip

to a Red Sox game,

and we show these kids

that no matter where you go,

people are basically the same.

- We gotta go on field trips?

Or how about we just say sorry?

What happened to that?

Look, look, watch me.

Sorry, Tom. Whoops!

- That felt insincere at best.

- Sounds lazy.

- I was sincere as a mother--

- Oh, oh, oh, hey, oh, hey, oh!

Listen, it's decided.

The kids are going

to a Red Sox game,

and Coach, you're gonna

be their chaperone.

- What?

- Oh, that's fun.

That'll be great.

- Ugh. Okay, fine. I'll go.

But I'm just letting

y'all know,

I refuse to enjoy myself.

- That's fair.

That's a good compromise.

[upbeat rock music]

♪

- What a day at Fenway

as we commemorate the date

Babe Ruth first signed

with the team.

- Oh, this is fun.

We're in Boston. Here we go.

- Yeah, I'm excited. Come on.

- Look at you guys.

What a symbol

of unity and harmony.

Have fun today.

- Thanks, Bus Driver.

- All right, let's go.

- You know what? I can't do it.

- Can't do what?

- Now that we're here,

I just can't let my shoes touch

Red Sox asphalt.

- Come on, Coach.

We drove three

and a half hours.

- We're here to take

a picture of me and you

hugging at Fenway, so

- Hugging?

Listen, I ain't hugging sh*t.

- What?

- Go without me.

- Yeah, but we've gotta see

the trip through.

You can't say

"I'm not hugging sh*t."

- Uh, the bus driver will

take you.

Y'all--y'all go

with the bus driver.

- Does he even count

as a grownup?

- He's more of, like,

a man child, right?

- How about this?

Nelson, turn on the video call,

and you just check in with me,

and I'll see it from here.

- Man, come on, Coach.

- Please stop talking about it.

Get off this bus

and go in there and do

whatever the teachable nonsense

y'all supposed to be doing.

- I don't think you understood

the premise of the trip.

I really don't.

- Whee!

Coach, we are good!

- Hey, Coach.

- Look at this. Wow.

- All right. Look at you guys.

I knew y'all could do it.

I knew it.

- Very safe. Very safe.

- That fresh Boston air.

Who knew?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Uh-oh. Oh man, look.

- Look at what?

- What kind of as*h*le lunatic

shows up to a Sox game

in a Yankee cap?

- Oh, no.

- This is not good.

- Wait, what's not good?

- Yes, yes, I'm wearing

a Yankees cap.

How about no swearing

in front of the kids?

Maybe switching it up

and saying "tush" or "heinie."

- Okay, fine.

Do you want us to shove

that cap up your "tush"?

Or up your "heinie"?

Or straight up your as*h*le?

- Oh!

- Yeah, you can't say

the last part.

I mean, that defeats

the whole purpose.

Hey, what--

- Oh, no.

- Oh, no?

[all speaking at once]

- Don't take his pants off.

- What--whose pants?

What is happening out there?

- Coach, you gotta

get out here now.

- For what?

- Kids, run!

- Run for your lives.

- Go, go, go!

- Where is the bus driver?

- Can somebody open

the dumpster?

- In retrospect, I agree

I was a poor choice

of a chaperone!

- I am freaking out.

We do not have a chaperone.

- All right, don't panic.

Everyone's panicking.

- We need to pick

a de facto leader.

- How about me?

- You?

- What? No, Tom.

- No. No.

- No, no, hear me out.

I know the ball boy here.

- What?

- Wh--so?

- My Uncle Bill

is a senior ball boy.

- Isn't that, like,

a volunteer position?

- The important thing is,

I've got a contact,

so let me call the guy.

- All right.

- All right, here you go.

[phone beeps]

[line rings]

- Tommy.

- Hey, Uncle Bill.

It's Tom from New Jersey.

- Why does he have to say

where he's from?

- Listen, I can't talk now.

I'm taking a dump.

- What?

- I can't get off

the can, Tommy!

- Uncle Bill,

please don't hang up.

No, no, no.

- [laughs]

- Who answers a FaceTime call

while you're sh1tting?

- Yeah.

- You know what?

I just thought of something.

- Yeah?

- My dad knows

the owner of the team.

- What?

- You should have

mentioned that sooner.

- Yeah!

- Your dad knows the owner

of the Red Sox.

- That's correct.

- Yeah.

As soon as I said "ball boy,"

you should have offered

all this up.

- Name?

- Nelson.

My dad is friends

with the owner.

Defended him once in court.

- I got a Nelson out here.

Yeah, he says his dad

defended you once in court.

Yeah, I got it.

Yeah, no can do.

He says your dad's an as*h*le.

- Oh, my dad put a much better

spin on the whole friendship.

- Sir, I can't imagine

this is gonna have much sway,

but my Uncle Bill is actually

a ball boy here at the stadium.

- Wait a second.

Your uncle is Enormous Bill?

- Yeah, I mean, he is enormous.

- I had no idea

that Enormous Bill

even had a family.

- Oh, yeah.

- He's a legend here.

You know what?

- That's great.

- Come on in here.

- Wow.

I didn't expect that to work.

- Hey, guys, this is

Enormous Bill's nephew.

- No way.

You talking about Loner Bill?

- No, he's got a family.

- This is incredible.

- You must be Tom.

- I am.

- Your Uncle Bill is

a real character.

- I can't believe you know

my Uncle Bill.

- Yeah, messes up

the bathrooms,

but he is beloved around here.

Everybody loves him.

- Yeah, my uncle's a fun guy.

Oh, and this is

my good buddy Nelson.

I think you know his dad.

- This is the kid

with the as*h*le father?

- What?

- Get him outta here.

Can someone have

this kid removed?

- Wait, gets your hands

off of me!

Back in Jersey,

people find me adorable!

- So, Tom,

wearing a Yankee cap?

That's a bold choice, son.

- Oh, no, no.

We're on a field trip.

My teacher had burned

my Red Sox jersey,

so this is a field trip

to learn about tolerance.

- Wait a minute.

You're the boy from the video.

- That's me.

- The shirtless idiot.

- No, no one calls me that,

but, I mean

- You are a legend, sir.

- That's good.

- That story shone

such a bright

and necessary light

on a very real problem.

- It's true.

People can be maniacs.

- I'd like to shake

your hand, Tom.

- Actually,

this is why I came here.

Dakota, get a picture of this.

This is good.

- Great.

- Just shaking hands.

- It's great. I got it.

- This is great.

You know what?

- Yeah?

- I'm gonna do you one better.

- Okay.

- Linda, tell Casey Affleck

he's bumped.

Tom here, the shirtless idiot,

he's throwing out

the first pitch.

- I'm on it,

but I'm not telling the guy.

You tell him.

- Me? Oh, no, no.

I'm not good on the phone.

- Hey, this is Casey.

- Hey, Casey Affleck. It's Tom.

Sounds like you're out

and I'm in, so

- And who the f*ck

are you, Tom?

- Just Tom from Jersey.

Bassoon player--

- What are you talking about?

- Pooped my pants once.

- This is bush-league!

- You know what?

I don't have time to talk.

I gotta go.

- Great. It's done.

- I don't think the fans

wanna see me.

I don't have any fans.

- All right, Boston fans,

in ten minutes,

we've got the shirtless idiot

throwing the first pitch.

[cheers and applause]

- Okay, Tom, you're here.

This is gonna be

so much fun, right?

- Yes. All right.

- Okay.

- This will be fun.

- Listen to me here.

We got ten minutes.

When the light flashes,

we're live.

- Okay.

- Wave to the crowd.

Say something cute.

- What?

- Then fire a fastball.

- Fastball?

- And make sure you land it.

You cannot pull a 50 Cent

or a Mariah Carey.

- You know, I don't do well

in high-pressure situations.

- Oh, God.

- Can I run to the bathroom

real quick?

- Okay. But hurry.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Everybody,

move off to the sides.

We got

the honorary first pitcher,

and he's gotta take a pee.

- Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. What the hell?

- A Yankee cap in Fenway?

- Oh, oh, that.

We're on a peace summit

of sorts.

- You better start to pee-pee

right now.

- Come on, guys, please.

This is a lot of pressure.

both: One, two, three.

- Guys, please, I can't pee--

- Four, five.

- With the countdown.

- Seven.

- Can you please?

- C'mon!

- I can't imagine any urine's

about to come out of me.

- All right, come here.

Help me grab this kid.

- No, no, no.

- Come here!

- You had your chance.

- This is socially--

- Now get outta here!

- Tommy. Holy sh*t.

Is that you?

- Oh, Uncle Bill. Hey.

- Oh, my God. Come here.

This kid's my nephew.

Give me a hug, you big

goofy-looking son of a b*tch.

Come here.

- Hey. Oh, whoa, whoa.

- [growling]

- Not in the bathroom.

Uncle Bill, it's too much.

Listen, it's a long story,

but I'm actually throwing out

the first pitch of the game.

- Wow.

- And I needed to pee first.

It's an emergency.

I gotta find a bathroom.

- Okay. Okay. Listen, listen.

As the senior most ball boy

here, I got full access.

- That's amazing.

- Yeah, come on.

Come on, I'll show you.

- Oh, my god.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sorry. He's under my watch.

- Well, listen,

I hate to pull rank here,

but ball boy

outranks security guard.

- Ah, I don't know, Bill.

- Does ball boy

outrank anything?

- There's no time to argue.

We gotta pee. Come on!

We're gonna make a pee-pee ♪

We're gonna make

a pee-pee-pee-pee ♪

We're gonna make a pee-pee ♪

All right, Tommy.

See that grass out there?

- Yeah?

- That grass is all yours.

[heavenly music]

- Oh, thank you so much.

This is perfect.

- Anywhere you want.

[zipper unzips]

- Oh, this is a pleasure.

Oh, thank you, Uncle Bill.

- You're welcome, man.

- Bro, what the eff, man?

- Oh, oh, I'm good.

I'm with Uncle Bill.

- No, you're not good.

What are you doing?

- I'm with Uncle Bill, I said.

- You're pissing on Babe Ruth's

original mitt from 1914.

- Oh, no.

- Look at this kid.

He's pissing on Ruth's mitt.

[crowd booing]

- What the hell?

- Oh, that's disgusting.

- You suck!

- No. Honest mistake.

I meant no disrespect.

- This is the ultimate

disrespect, you little sh*t.

- Oh, no, if we blame anyone,

I mean, let's blame

Casey Affleck, right?

Right, Uncle Bill?

- Uncle? No.

I never met this kid.

I'm the senior Ball Boy.

I got stuff to do.

- Uncle Bill.

- Get him, guys!

[all shouting]

[exciting music]

- Get in here. Get in here.

I got a text saying

that our very own Tom

is going to throw out

the first pitch at Fenway!

Are you sh1tting me?

- Sad day at Fenway

as there will be no

ceremonial first pitch thrown.

A child named Tom was

scheduled to participate,

but instead,

he pulled out his wiener

and urinated

on Babe Ruth's mitt,

further enflaming tensions

- Well, that was disappointing.

That's why I don't like

to get excited.

- And there he is,

the little maniac

that urinated

on Babe Ruth's mitt.

This child right here,

in a nutshell,

is what's wrong with sports.

[upbeat rock music]

[bell rings]

- Tom, take this the right way,

but I'ma put some feelers out

for a new lab partner.

- Why, you're not happy

with the volcano?

- No,

it look like a pile of manure!

It don't even erupt.

- You know what?

I grabbed some

extra stuff from home.

Let's see if this works.

- What you got? What you got?

- We got blackberry brandy,

windshield washer fluid,

and mountain breeze

air freshener.

- Okay.

- That's gotta burn, right?

- We can work with this.

- Right?

- Put these on.

- Nice.

- I'll stand

at a safe distance.

You start dumping things

until it explodes.

- Why am I doing all the work

on this team?

I built the volcano.

- Tom, we've been over this.

I'm the scientist.

You're the unskilled laborer.

Now start dumping.

- Okay, step back.

Let me show you

how science works.

A couple fluid ounces of this.

Brandy.

That's weird.

It's not erupting.

- Here, here.

Let's do this the Nelson way.

Oh. Whoa.

- Oh, no! Oh, no, flames!

Oh, no, what's happening?

Oh, no!

Everybody run!

Run for your lives!

We're all gonna die!

We're all gonna die!

- Is nobody gonna put out

the stupid volcano thing--

[scoffs]

Okay. I guess I'll do it.

[applause]

[horn blares]

- Hey, hey, kids.

Your principal called me in

to talk about fire safety.

Now, I know I'm not supposed

to curse in front of you,

but who knows what a p*ssy is?

- Um, a person like Tom?

- What?

- Exactly. Come here, buddy.

This little guy right here.

- Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- He saw the flames.

- Oh, no--

- And he ran.

- You got it all wrong.

I ran to get

the fire extinguisher.

I'm a hero.

- You fled the scene.

- I fled out of bravery

to save everyone.

I fled to save.

- You think that's

what Superman does?

You think Superman flies away

for a bit

and then comes back to save?

- I'm sure he does

all kind of things.

- Horrible person. Look at him.

Yasmine here, she ran

to the flames and saved lives.

Hero.

[applause]

- Guys, come on, we--

all right,

tell the dog to relax.

She literally poured

iced tea on a volcano.

- Excuse me?

- I'm just saying,

hero might be a strong word.

I mean, let's--

- Where I come from,

we have respect

for first responders.

- I don't know if I'd call her

a first responder. She's--

- Now you're

being disrespectful.

You gotta leave the truck area.

- She took two steps.

I don't wanna leave

the truck area.

[dog growling]

- Say you're sorry,

and then get

the f*ck outta here.

- How is there no teacher

out here to supervise us?

- Tom, before you

do these things,

you need to ask yourself,

how will this affect Nelson?

- I know. I shouldn't have run.

I shouldn't have

run and screeched.

- Come on, you old piece

of pain in the tush!

Ah, sorry for

the language kids,

but I can't get

this thing into gear.

Mother-bleeping C-word!

Stupid B-hole bus.

Get that heinie into gear,

you piece of caca!

- I don't think these

kid-friendly curses

are really landing.

- Ill rip your ding-a-ling off,

you GD bus!

[bus grinding]

Okay, kids, stand back.

I'm igniting

a common safety flare.

- Whoa.

- Whoa, no need to panic, Tom!

- Panic? I-I literally said

whoa in a deadpan voice.

- No, Tom panicked.

- I didn't panic.

I'm not panicking.

- Don't flee the scene, Tom.

[laughter]

- This is the opposite

of fleeing.

I'm literally standing here.

- Okay, kids,

you stay here by the bus.

Try not to get shot.

Tom, hold this flare.

Come over here.

- Okay, more fire. What's up?

- Here's the deal.

I need a new bus.

- Okay.

- And you need an opportunity

to look like a hero.

- I do need that.

- So tomorrow morning,

we fake an emergency

on the school bus.

- Fake emergency? No.

- Picture this:

the bus explodes.

You come running in.

- I don't like to run.

- You haul my a*s

out of the bus.

Everyone will think

you're a hero,

and I'll have a new vehicle.

- That sounds abnormally dicey.

- Trust me.

I know a guy

who could rig it all up.

I mean, we're good.

- Wow, you know a guy who does

fake school bus explosions?

That's amazing.

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, what's up, player?

I remember you.

- This is the guy? Glenn?

- Hell yeah.

- Oh, you know each other?

- You don't remember

he sold me drugs

and I shoved them up my butt

and there was a whole scandal?

- Yes!

- Anyway, so you know

what you're doing here?

You can help

with the fake fire and smoke?

- Does a cat have six t*ts?

- Six t*ts?

I have no idea.

Not a cat owner.

- Boom.

- Oh, wow. Look at that.

- Worked on a Michael Bay

picture back in the day.

So I know my way

around special effects.

- This is impressive stuff.

You rigged

all these explosions?

- Hell yeah, dude.

Renaissance man and sh*t,

you know what I'm saying?

I'm all the ninja turtles

wrapped into one.

- He's a wizard, Tom.

- You know what's up.

So anyway,

here's the plan, dawg.

I'll rig the bus

with harmless movie smoke.

- Nice.

- And on my cue,

the driver screams,

"Run for your lives.

This b*tch is gonna blow."

That's what's up.

- I question some

of the dialogue, but--

- Anyway, so then Tom says,

"Not on my watch.

First responder

coming through."

- I like that.

- Then Tom drags you out,

and I'll be playing

some type of Aerosmith song

in the background.

Boom. Credits roll.

Any questions, gentlemen?

- Zero questions.

- Let's just hope for the best.

[dramatic music]

- This is Cobra,

your eyes on the ground, over.

- This is Stallion.

Radio check, over.

- This is Tom.

Radio check, over.

- Tom, use the code names,

remember?

I'm Cobra. He's Stallion.

You're Louise.

- I feel like I got

the worst nickname.

Can I say that?

- Please identify yourself.

- Louise in position, over.

- Thank you.

All right, guys, it's go time.

And in the off chance

the bus does actually explode

and everyone dies,

that's my bad.

I apologize in advance.

[machine beeping]

- Help, I'm stuck!

The bus is gonna blow!

- Oh, my God, someone's gotta

help the bus driver.

- Everyone, relax.

You're in good hands.

First responder's on the scene.

- When a hero comes along ♪

And saves a life today ♪

- Tom just ran into the bus!

- Is this really happening?

- Who is playing this music?

It is f*cking perfect!

- When a hero comes along ♪

You will not forget ♪

- He's alive!

Are you seeing this?

- Whoo, this little guy

saved my life.

Thank you, Tom.

[cheers and applause]

- You know what, Tom?

You're a hero.

- Please, please.

Don't call me a hero.

It's just what I do.

I run towards fire.

I run towards fire and flames.

- Look at that article.

- Thanks, Mom.

This--this is amazing.

- Well, I wanted to treat you

to something nice.

This is big.

I'm, like, an A-list mom now.

- But the hero's mom is usually

not the focus of the story.

- Well, it should be

'cause the hero had to come

out of the mom.

- Hey, hope you folks

enjoyed your meal.

We are so grateful

for what your son did.

Can I have everyone's

attention, please?

- What are you--what are you--

- My dad, God rest his soul,

was a first responder

like this young man here.

He performed many heroic acts.

Saved an old lady

in a kayak once.

- That's amazing.

- Pulled multiple cats

from trees--

- Multiple cats?

- But he tragically died while

trying to deep fry a turkey.

- Oh, what a story.

- So as a tribute to him,

we'd like to offer Tom

free meals for life.

[applause]

- Wow.

- That's amazing. Thank you.

- This is for you, Dad.

- Oh, my God.

Can my mom eat free too?

- Well

- Yes, we'll extend it

to the whole family.

- Oh, wow!

How about Nelson? Nelson too?

- Is he family?

Who's this Nelson?

- He's more of a friend,

but, you know--

- We'll discuss it.

- He's in.

We'll make it a friends

and family deal.

We'll even name a dish

after you.

Anything you want.

- Something cheap.

Like, a hot dog, maybe?

- How about something fancy?

Why don't you carve a bust

of Tom's head out of meat

- Wait, what?

- Drench it in gravy,

and then light it on fire.

- That sounds

insanely expensive.

- In memory of Dad,

consider it done.

[cheers and applause]

- Kids, I hope you're enjoying

the new B3000

and the fact

that Tom saved my life.

Tom, say a few words.

- Hi, glad I could save

everyone's lives

and get us a sweet new bus.

I know I put

Yasmine's rescue to shame,

but hey, it's not

a competition, so thank you.

- I heard you get free food

at the diner.

Can we get in on that?

- Sorry, Hector.

It's just friends

and family, so

- Wait, are we not friends?

- Friends?

I mean, more bus mates.

- So we're all just

nameless faces on a bus?

Wow.

[all booing]

- Oh, hey. Stop. Stop.

- Eat this, Tom!

- Tom, you're losing

the crowd, man.

Tell 'em what they wanna hear.

- All right, you know what?

Fine.

If you go to the diner,

just tell 'em Tom sent you.

[cheers and applause]

- Hi, I'd like to order

the Tom Special,

and can I get that for free?

'Cause my best friend

Tom sent me.

- Can I get a flaming

meat things for free?

Yeah, I'm friends

with the little dude

who did the thing with the bus.

Yeah, I'm also friends

with Michael Bay, no big deal.

- Hi, I'm friends with Tom

and I'm also a first responder.

I put out a volcano.

And so I'd like

a Tom Special for free.

So that's a dozen Tom Specials.

All for free.

- Yep.

- Since these people

are friends and family.

- And Mountain Dews

all around, baby.

- [sighs]

- Thank you.

You guys are very generous.

Kinda like royalty

in this place.

The king of the diner.

They treat me nice.

- I can't believe this weasel

keeps coming in.

He brought ten friends, Pete.

- She talking about me?

- Well, we did make the offer.

- He's double-fisting the most

expensive things on the menu.

- Double-fisting?

- Calm down, honey.

- Let's just hope

he unexpectedly dies

or moves out of town.

- Wow, Tom. Oof.

Man, you really screwing over

these nice people.

- She's much friendlier

when she's taking the orders.

- I can't believe this is free!

10 pounds of meat

carved into the shape

of your son's head?

- Hey, those are the perks

of having a hero son.

[door clicks]

- Oh, hey, Ma.

What the hell is going on here?

- I started

a Free Food Snack Club

for some of the moms.

- What? All right.

You know what? That does it.

We need to cut this off.

Everybody out.

Party's over.

Donate the meat to somebody.

- Ladies, excuse me

for a second.

I'm gonna go talk to my son.

He seems to be

having a breakdown.

[whispering]

Hey, what are you doing?

- Cindy, can you cut off

a chunk of Tom's face for me?

- You're gonna come in here

and boss your mom? Uh-uh.

- I just don't wanna take

advantage of this poor couple.

I mean--

- That's real sweet.

Is that what you want me

to tell you right now?

You're a good person.

- I don't want to be the reason

they go out of business.

- Ugh, all right.

You know what? Fine.

If you want to end this,

I have a solution.

Ah, thanks for seeing us.

That blurb you wrote

on my son was very nice.

- Well, you got a very brave

young man here.

- Tell her

what you wanna do, Tom.

- You know, a lot of people

are taking advantage

of the diner's free food offer.

So I just wanna put out

a county-wide alert that says,

"Tom wants you

to knock it off."

- Well, it's no bus rescue,

but it is a nice gesture.

I'll put something

in the next issue.

It'll be out in two weeks.

- Oh, no,

we can't wait two weeks.

No, these people

are hemorrhaging money.

- I'm sorry.

The paper's biweekly.

And I know

biweekly is confusing,

but it's the type

where it's two times a month.

- You know what?

They'll be fine for two weeks.

Tom wants to do

the right thing,

but he also wants that blurb.

My boy likes his blurbs,

you know?

[keys clacking]

- [sighs]

Pete, this has gone too far.

We have to rescind the offer.

- Amanda, I gave Tom my word.

I can't just dishonor

my father like that.

- I'm going through

these receipts.

We're going out of business.

- What do you mean,

we're going out business?

- Just the gravy is $15,000.

- I cannot rescind this offer,

Amanda.

It's for my father, who died.

- [sighs]

If that's how you feel.

There's only one other option.

- Change the beef

to some type of hot dog meat?

- No, I was thinking

burn down the restaurant

and collect

the insurance money.

- Wow, you really

take things too far.

- Tom, this is

your best blurb yet.

- It's pretty good.

- Read it to me.

- "A local boy named Tom

has graciously declined

"to accept free food

at a local restaurant.

"When asked if he sees himself

as a hero, Tom boasted,

'Abso-freaking-lutely.

It's what I do.'"

- As a mom, this is what

it's all about, Tommy.

- This was worth the wait,

I gotta say.

- [sobbing]

[thunder rumbling]

Are you sure we can't

just refinance or something?

- Pete,

I already started the fire.

Now is not the time.

[horn honks]

- Hey.

- Hey, we're kinda busy here.

- Oh, no, don't worry.

I'm not here for free food.

I actually have great news.

- "Local hero graciously stops

accepting handouts,

asks friends to repay diner

for free meals"?

That's amazing!

But why didn't

you tell us sooner?

- Oh, Tom wanted to get a blurb

in the local paper,

and it's biweekly.

- It would have helped to have

this information sooner.

- Wait, what--what is that?

Is that smoke?

- Tom, run in and get

the fire extinguisher.

[smoke alarm beeping]

- Me? No.

- Of course you.

- Wait.

- What happened

to your courage? Get in there!

- That was a bus.

This is a diner.

It's a whole

different interface.

- Just go in there and save it

just like you saved

the school bus.

- I can't do it.

My mom simply won't allow it.

- I'm good with it.

I wanna see you

in action, buddy.

- Mom, come on.

- I'll do it!

- Oh, no.

- When a hero comes along ♪

And saves a life today ♪

- They're playing my song.

That's my song.

- Out of my way, Tom.

- Whoa. Oh, this is not good.

She's gonna die.

[fire extinguisher blows]

- All good.

Just a small grease fire.

[applause]

- You are a hero.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Not to be petty, but

technically, I responded first.

- What?

- Sure, I didn't do anything,

but I did respond.

At least give me credit

for that.

♪ - Remember

there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember

there's a lot of good omens ♪

♪ Supplying the proof ♪

♪ That our life

is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke

and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be

always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's

one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth

we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow,

we can float anywhere ♪