01x08 - Roastmaster Tom/A Daffodil for Terence

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Now as our poor

young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit

I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up

those I used to hate ♪

♪

♪ The feeling that

we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanations ♪

♪ Can't expect

our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ Therein lies a truth

we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow,

we can float anywhere ♪

[knocking]

- Uh, principal?

They told me you wanna see me

and that you're-you're furious.

Principal, you there?

- [laughs] Gotcha.

- Wait, what?

- The principal's at lunch.

- That's not funny

at all, Brenda.

I gotta question

your sense of humor.

- It's super funny, trust me.

- Since when do you have

a good personality?

I thought you were the boring

lady who sits in the hall.

- When the principal is here,

I'm buttoned-up Brenda.

But once he leaves, man,

I let lose.

- Let's get

buttoned-up Brenda back.

This is not working.

- Here's why I called you in.

- Okay.

- The principal's 20th

anniversary at school

is coming up.

So we're throwing him a roast.

- A roast?

- Where you make fun of people,

but you do it in a fun way.

And we want you

to be the roast master.

- Roast master?

That sounds like a lot of work.

I'm-I'm gonna pass.

- There's no passing.

No, no. No passing.

- Eh.

Count me out.

- It's been decided.

We already went

to the print shop.

We made a cardboard cutout.

- I didn't approve that.

That's not sanctioned.

- It's not up to you

to approve anything.

Once you're on school grounds,

pfft with your rights.

- I'm a minor, so you can

force me to be a roast master?

- Yes. We'll force you to sit

in a room as long as we want,

and we can force you

to make jokes.

- I know we friends

and everything

but this is a travesty.

- I know.

- I got passed over

for roast master, for you.

- I agree, you would have

been better, but hey,

don't let it ruin

the sleepover.

Do you mind if I run

some of my jokes by ya?

- What you got?

- I think I'm gonna open with,

"Greetings.

"The principal is very excited

"when he heard

we're having a roast.

"But I think the guy

was--I think

"he might have

thought we were

talking about roast beef."

- Oh, no.

- I gotta work on the phrasing

but that's the gist

of the joke.

- Yeah, we get it.

What else you got?

- The principal drives

a Ford Fiesta,

which is Spanish for "party."

But the last time I checked

this guy's a real

party pooper.

Am I right, people?

- Man, this is gonna be

terrible, man.

You gonna b*mb.

- You're right, actually.

This is not funny.

- We got one night

to make you funny.

- All right, what do I do?

- Come with me, Tom.

- Wait, where are we going?

- Shh. My dad's asleep.

I don't wanna wake him.

- What is this weird room?

- This is a man cave.

- Are we allowed to be in here?

- We not men.

So technically

we breaking and entering.

- Oh, my God,

what an incredible room.

Wesley Snipes,

grown lady's boobs,

couple of weird hats.

This is incredible.

What do we do now?

- Oh, man, we are about

to watch some roast.

- Oh, he's got

a collection of roasts.

This is perfect.

Learn from the professionals.

- Ryan is so unattractive.

When he smiles at me,

I take an immediate sh*t.

- [laughing]

- Huh, kind of

an off-color joke.

- Oh, Brian, look at the nose

on that guy.

If you can find it.

It looks like

a pig's butthole.

- [laughing]

I love this dude, man.

- Is that funny

or very hurtful?

- At a roast you say things

that are hurtful.

But then you laugh and say,

"Just kidding. Love you buddy."

- Why not just say

the last part?

- Oh, that's not a joke really.

- What a dog-sh*t career

this guy has.

I mean, if I woke up

with that career

I'd put a shotgun in my mouth

and pull the trigger.

[laughing] Oh, Brian,

you pig nose son of a b*tch.

Love you buddy.

Oh, you're the man.

You're the man.

- Ah, you see people

are having a ball.

Look at that.

- Right, but I can't say

any of these things.

I'm a kid.

- Like my dad says,

nothing more adorable

than a curse word coming out

of a young child's mouth.

- I don't think my mom

would agree,

but you guys seem to know what

you're talking about over here.

[crowd cheers, applauds]

- Uh, hi, g*ng.

I can't believe

you guys did this for me.

It's--after 20 years,

I love you people like family.

And as the saying goes,

you can't spell "principal"

without pal.

And that's--that's how you kids

make me feel.

Not like I'm your principal

or an authoritative figure,

just feel like I'm your pal.

And I--and I do appreciate it.

[applause]

- Wow, so emotional.

All right,

I'm your roast master.

If you need anything,

just holler.

Uh, why don't we start

with Dakota.

- Hi.

The Principal is a real bozo,

like, bozo the clown.

- Aw, so precious.

- Oh. [laughing]

Oh, she got me good.

- The principal is here

and he's really silly.

[laughs]

Am I right, guys?

- Oh, man, I'm questioning

the material, I really am.

- But we do love you and we're

so happy that you're here.

Thank you.

You've been roasted.

- Aw, this is adorable.

Oh, I hope someone's

filming this stuff.

- Umall right.

Number one.

The principal's glasses

are always dirty.

- [chuckling] That is true.

- The only thing filthier

than his glasses is his ex-wife

Shannon who was

caught sucking off the UPS guy.

- What?

- Language. Tom.

Okay. Wow. Tom.

- I got--I got more.

I got more.

I shouldn't have

opened with that.

The principal dreamed

of playing for the Yankees.

Right, Principal?

- Eh, it is true.

- But the last time I checked

there's no position in baseball

called fat piece of sh*t.

- Oh, this is horrible.

What the hell is going on?

- Do you just maybe have

some normal jokes?

- I was told foul language

is encouraged.

- Who told you that?

- You know what?

I-I know I had

some disappointments in my life

but I didn't know--I mean,

I'm gonna go drink myself

to sleep and cry into a sock.

- I should have stopped

with the roast beef joke.

[smoke alarm blares]

- Hey, kids. Get back in class.

Just because the principal

is out

does not mean

it's a free for all.

- Hey, go suck off the UPS guy!

Bam, you've been roasted,

Tom style, baby!

- They really latched on

to that phrase, didn't they?

- Well, well.

- I came to apologize.

- Sorry, Tom.

Principal called in sick.

- Oh, no.

- He's very depressed.

- I gotta say, I think maybe

Hector shouldn't have

called him a dumb-dumb.

That was in poor taste.

- Are you kidding, Tom?

Do you realize

that all the teachers

are calling you as*h*le Tom?

- Now, that's

crossing the line.

- Oh, that's crossing the line?

Now you're deciding

what's in good taste.

- Well, just tell him

I'm sorry.

If you talk to him,

just tell him I'm sorry.

- No, there's no

I'm telling him anything.

You need to talk to him

and make this right.

- All right,

I'll go pop in and say hi.

I'm sure he's fine, though.

I mean, he's the principal.

[moody pop ballad playing

over speakers]

[doorbell rings]

- [moaning along to the music]

- What's going on in there?

- Principal, are you in there?

- [groans]

- Principal, are you okay?

- We gotta get in there.

- All right, you know what?

We're coming in.

Principal?

- Oh. Hey, guys.

Come on in. Grab a slice.

- Are you okay?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Are you sure? You really

look like a train wreck.

- Tom, your insults

were a real wake-up call.

And I've decided to quit my job

and become an assistant bookie

with my friend, Lu.

- Oh, no, don't do that.

Nah. Those were jokes.

- I'm sorry,

which part was untrue?

Do I not have a weight problem?

- Yes.

It's not an ideal physique.

- Did my wife not blow

the UPS driver?

- She did.

That's a well-documented story.

- Have I not failed at pursuing

all my childhood dreams?

- You've clearly failed

at many things.

But we can--you can laugh

about it now, right?

- Nah, you just don't laugh.

It's tragic.

Look at my bucket list.

I've crossed

not one thing off of it!

- Huh, let's see

what you got here.

Sit on a hammock?

That's pretty easy to do.

- Well, I literally sat

on a hammock an hour ago.

- Eat a steak?

- Yeah.

- You've never eaten a steak?

- I've come close but,

you know, something always

goes wrong.

- These seem like very easy

dreams to achieve.

- Yeah, well, that's what

makes it so pathetic.

- Oh, how does this sound?

Look.

If we help you check

everything off your list,

you come back

to school on Monday.

- How are you gonna help me

check every single thing

off this bucket list?

Take another look at it.

- Principal, we're gonna do it.

We're not taking no

for an answer.

- Deal.

- That's great. All right.

Let's shake.

Oh, wow. That's disgusting.

That's a very greasy hand.

- Number ten on the list.

Sit on a hammock.

- I did it.

Check it off the list.

I sat in a hammock.

Yes!

- Okay. You sat in a hammock.

- Oh, my God, I ate a steak!

After all these years.

Check another one

off the list, baby!

- Number three on the list,

believe it or not,

is slide down a bowling alley

like a human bowling ball.

- [laughing]

[pins clatter]

- Wow, that's top five?

- Oh, my God,

I'm riding in a Buick.

Check it off the list.

- Did number two on the list

really say "ride in Buick"?

- Says it right here.

"Ride in a late model Buick."

[indistinct chatter]

- Okay, one last thing

on the list.

See Glenn Hubert the comedian.

Who's Glenn Hubert by the way?

- He's only my favorite

comedian.

He does a clean act, just like

a ton of observational humor

about church and pudding

and cookies and picnics.

- Sounds like he sucks.

- Wait. Wait, what's this?

Sold out. Oh, no.

- This is just

just the story of my life.

I'm, like, so close

and then I blow it.

My neighbor's right.

I don't deserve to be happy.

- C'mon, don't give up.

We promised we would get

you to return to school.

Let me--let me see

what I can do.

- Go ahead.

- Hey.

Can I have a quick chat?

- Mm-hmm.

- Can we--can we talk,

comedian to comedian?

- I'm a doorman.

I'm not a comedian.

I'm not funny.

- Seem pretty funny.

- No, I'm not funny.

- Is there any way

you could sneak us in

to see Glenn Hubert?

It's for my pal.

He's not doing so well.

He's seen better days.

- What, your pal? Which one?

- Over there, over my shoulder.

- That's so sad.

- It is sad.

The number one thing

on his bucket list,

you ready for this?

See Glenn Hubert

live in concert.

- I'll talk to Glenn.

- That's amazing.

- Maybe he'll even give him

a shout out.

He loves doing

good deeds like this.

- That's a very good deed.

Listen, if I can ever repay

the favor, just say the word.

- Okay. What is it he can do?

- Anything, as long as, like,

it's related to the bassoon

or Wiffle ball

or basic things like that.

If you need a back--you wanna

borrow a backpack?

- Why would I want a backpack?

- I don't know.

I can't repay the favor.

This is a one way street.

All right, guys,

I pulled some strings.

I told him I'm a roast master.

We're in.

- What?

Oh, you're the best.

- We're seeing the whole act.

Glenn Hubert, Todd Glass

and free nachos.

- Wow.

Maybe he is the roast master.

- Yeah, in the comedy circles,

I get a lot of respect.

- You guys ready

for some wholesome comedy? Huh?

- Yes. What a night.

- Incredible.

- Yeah. Yeah.

How 'bout some clean jokes?

Well, here's your guy.

The sweetest, cleanest,

nicest guy in the game,

here he comes.

Give it up for Glenn Hubert.

[cheers and applause]

- [chuckles]

Hi. Hi, everyone.

I went to church this morning.

What's up with these pews?

Why are they always

made of wood?

Eh?

Ever hear of cushions?

C'mon.

[cheers and laughter]

- So him just saying the word

"cushions" is the punchline?

- Look at the principal.

He really loves this guy.

- Look at his eyes.

I've never seen him

light up like that before.

- I've never seen a guy

laugh like this.

- You know what ruffles

my feathers?

Pudding.

It's not quite ice cream

but not quite custard.

C'mon, pudding.

Make a decision.

- Not a great joke.

- Look, I like to tease.

But let's take it down a notch.

I understand we have a special

guest in the audience.

He's always wanted

to see me live,

and tonight he gets his wish.

Where is the little guy?

Don't be shy.

- Right here.

- Oh.

This is the guy.

- Right here, right here. Look.

- Wait. This is him?

[crowd murmuring]

I was told this is

the Make-A-Wish thing

for a little kid.

- Oh, no, I never said that.

- You clearly said my pal.

I thought it was him.

- If I said my pal,

I meant princi-pal.

- Princi what?

- You can't spell principal

without pal.

- What the hell does that mean?

- He's not a kid.

He's, like, in his early 50s.

- 46.

- Folks,

there's always

one as*h*le in the crowd,

and here he is.

- Wait. I'm actually, like,

your biggest fan.

- I tried to do a clean act,

folks, but f*ck this guy.

- Glenn, please,

this is a special night.

- Oh, it's a special night?

In that case,

have a drink on me, as*h*le!

- C'mon, that was uncalled for.

- [groans]

- Oh, no, not the crotch.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hey, don't touch me.

I still need to cross this

off my list.

- Look, if we need

a replacement,

I was on the shortlist

for roast master.

See what you think of this.

What's up with Tom's mom?

- Nelson, no.

- Always with the flip flops.

You live in New Jersey, biatch.

Buy some shoes.

Am I right?

[laughter]

- Wow, he is good.

If he'd have been

the roast master,

we would have avoided

so many problems.

[cheers and applause]

- Okay, kids.

The school play is coming up

and I've written

the script myself.

- Oh, no.

- Now, who would like

to handout the scripts?

- Um

I do ♪

- Thank you, Blaze.

Your enthusiasm is a delight.

- One for you. You're welcome.

- "A Daffodil for Terence"?

"A morose tale of anguish

and loss."

Oh, this sounds horrible.

- Hey, Mr. B.

Not to put a damper

on the whole thing,

but can I sit this one out?

I had a bad experience

last year.

Remember I threw up

and I pooped simultaneously?

They had to carry me off.

- I remember it all too well,

Tom.

But this year you only have

one line as the village idiot.

- Village idiot?

I mean, is that even

believable casting?

- That seems right.

- Blaze, please.

- I mean, I'll buy it.

- If anything,

it's too on the nose.

- Isn't there anything in there

for, like, the cool guy

or some kind of assassin or?

- Something about your face

just screams,

"I'm an idiot

who lives in a village."

- All right, I question

the casting choice

but let me sleep on it.

All right, so I'm playing

the village idiot, Lucian.

So why don't you just read

the lines

before that and I'll come in?

- Okay.

[clears throat]

"And we shall run through

the daffodils forever more."

"Enter Lucian, a real idiot.

He stands there stupidly."

- Um, here are your slippers,

sir.

Thanks, Ma.

That was a big help.

- That's it? Where are

the rest of your lines?

We're gonna do all your lines.

- No, that's it.

I give him the slippers

and then I-I leave.

- You hand off the slippers

and then you leave?

Tom, I'ma be real with you.

If I'm gonna get dressed up,

bath, and drive to that school

to hear one line,

it better be a doozy.

- No, no. No, no.

Don't get the pencil out.

No.

Mr. B doesn't like rewrites.

- It's a tweak.

- He said if we work off script

he's gonna physically harm us.

- I'm just putting this

in the script.

It's not a rewrite,

it's a tweak.

He said he's gonna

physically harm you?

- He said it more than once.

- When your line comes up,

this is what I want you to say.

- I actually like that.

- Right?

- Yeah, I think Mr. B is really

gonna see the humor in that.

[indistinct chatter]

- All right, everyone.

Welcome to our table read

for "A Daffodil for Terence."

I hope you all love it.

I really hope

some of you get it

because some people

can be quite thick.

- Is he looking at me?

- Nelson will read

our stage directions

and Blaze will be doing

double duty

as both our lead

and also the cat.

And now,

"A Daffodil for Terence."

- Curtains open on a bleak café

in Denmark.

The café is silent

except for the wailing moan

of a depressed cat.

- [meowing sadly]

- Such brave writing.

- Valdemar stands defiantly

above the motionless corpse.

Lucian enters

and discovers the carnage.

- Umuhwho farted?

[laughter]

- What?

- My script says "Who farted?"

Is that the right line?

- Stop laughing.

- That was hysterical.

- This table read

is now canceled.

And by the way, Denise,

I was talking about you

because you're thick.

You're slow.

- What the hell?

- All right, please calm down,

it's just a play.

- I spent 18 years

on that script.

And he adds one line

and he rewrites it

so that it's a fart joke.

- That was actually

my mom's rewrite.

- Oh, so is she

a village idiot too?

- No, very smart lady.

- Perhaps this is

a family business.

- You can't make money

doing that.

- Let's try to encourage

these kids.

That's what

I'm a principal for.

Okay, Tom?

Seriously, you did great.

- Thank you. It felt good.

- Great? He did great?

- You gotta admit that he got

the best reaction

of the play, okay?

So I have a great idea.

Let's recast

and have Tom play the lead.

- You can't be serious.

- No, I'm not a lead.

I like to blend in.

Don't put me up front.

- Mr. B, tell Blaze

he's demoted

and he'll play the cat.

That's fun.

- Oh, no, Blaze won't be happy

with that.

- He'll love it.

Meow. Meow.

He can remember

his lines easier.

- This is outrageous.

You have no respect

for my work nor my direction.

- I have a lot of respect

for your craft.

And Tom, ask your mom

if she can look at the script

and see if she can work in,

like, more fart jokes.

- We're talking, like,

one per page or?

- Fart it up.

- Oh, my God.

- Fart it up.

[light jazz music playing

over radio]

[tires squeal]

- Good God.

- Oh.

Aren't you Tom's weird teacher?

- I'm Mr. B

and I came to apologize.

May I come in?

- Yeah, I guess.

- Oh, wow. The decor

is spectacularly mundane.

- Thank you.

- Oh, hey, Mr. B.

Listen, uh,

if you wanna recast,

that's fine.

I don't--I don't even

wanna be in the play.

- Tom, my hands are tied.

You have to be in the play.

- Oh, okay.

So why are you here?

- I've given this

a great deal of thought.

What if I were to take you

under my wing

and mold you in my image?

- Oh, no. No, no.

- Wouldn't you like to be

a short little

ten-year-old Mr. B?

- Not really, no.

That doesn't sound too good.

- We have one week, Tom.

- Whoa.

- And for that time, you will

live, eat,

and breathe Mr. B.

- No, I don't wanna do that.

- What, is he supposed to live

at your house?

- This will be a seven day

acting boot camp

- Please stop talking.

- Culminating with a trip

to Broadway.

- I don't like where

this is going.

- We'll take in a show,

meet my old acting friends

and stop for nibbles at Oso.

And it's all on me.

- Mom, say something.

- We're in.

- We're in? No, sounds like

my worst nightmare.

- But if it's a free dinner,

I feel like we have no choice.

- Oh, this is not gonna be fun.

[bells ringing]

- Louder, Tom.

Never say a line

when you can over enunciate it.

- "Ah, look at the daffodils."

- Put your body into it.

There's nothing

coming back at me, Tom.

They called me Mr. B.

- Why?

- Because I was

the mayor of Broadway.

- Then you just started

teaching at a grade school?

- Yes.

- Wow, look at that.

- Back in the day

I owned this town.

Tom, do you see

what he's doing?

You have to make sure

every syllable is heard.

- Shh. Shut up!

- This is my gift to you.

- "How to Act with Vigor

and Volume: Volume 2."

- On the roof of that building

I made love

to Marcia g*y Harden.

- Kind of a weird story

to tell a little kid.

- Yeah, very weird.

Let's get that free dinner.

[jazz music playing]

- Wow, this is so great.

I haven't seen you

in, like, 30 years.

- Seeing you again

makes me feel so alive.

- Mm-hmm, yes.

- Oh, wow, you guys were all

in acting school together?

- Yeah, we--

- I was the star

of the class,

but I have to say,

my colleagues here

were very supportive.

- Well, you know, I'm not sure

"star" is the word I'd use.

- Gary, tell our friends here

the anecdote

about the time

Daniel Day-Lewis saw me perform

and said,

"Now, that is acting."

- Did that happen?

I have no memory of that.

- Tom, listen, I'm gonna run

to the little boys' room.

If the waiter comes,

order me a martini

with gherkins not olives

and tell him not to drown it

in vermouth

like a bourgeois fool.

- We'll just order

when you're back.

- Tom, I want you to lean in

and listen to me.

- Okay. What's up, Gary?

- Whatever he's teaching you,

do the opposite.

- Why? I thought he's the

best actor of his generation.

- Who told you that?

- Him.

- Yeah, he--he says it a lot.

- Oh, he was terrible,

the worst.

- Mm, I don't like this.

- So he didn't--he didn't pass

on "The Godfather"

'cause it was beneath him?

- They wouldn't even let him

do background work

in "Porky's."

- This is a disaster.

I just did a seven-day

boot camp with the guy.

- Forget everything he

taught you and remember this--

less is more.

- Less is more.

Less of what?

- A good actor can convey more

with a look

than a thousand words.

- It's all in your face.

- Just show 'em my face,

and I'm done?

- Yes, Tom. A subtle grimace

- Ooh, I like that.

- Or a menacing sneer.

- I have to admit--

Gary does seem like he knows

what he's talking about.

- I feel afraid,

but I'm also turned on.

- It's weird that

he's still sneering,

but it is--it is dramatic.

[dramatic music playing]

- I mean,

I don't mean to boast,

but I did train in New York

with a instructor named Gary.

- Wow, cool.

- Incredible.

- Had some nibbles at Orso.

The whole thing is just--

- Thomas.

- Hey, Mr. B.

It's the big night.

I'm ready to go.

- Fantastic.

Let's see what level

you're performing at.

- Oh, you wanna run the lines?

- Yes, Thomas.

- I wasn't planning on saying

any of the lines.

- What are you talking about?

- Your friend Gary

said less is more, so

- Tom, you need to talk.

Acting requires talking.

- Get it together.

- Ouch.

Oh, no, your friend Gary said

all I have to do is this

- Who's Gary?

- Ouch.

Can someone restrain

the cat, please?

- Gary is an imbecile.

- What?

- I have no choice but to step

in and play the part myself.

- Oh, no, Mr. B, I don't know

if acting's your strong suit.

- Tom, I am going on.

Give me the costume.

- No, Mr. B, please. Please.

Hey, stop. Mr. B.

- Get ready for a master class

in drama.

- Not gonna lie,

I had more fun last year

when I vomited

and pooped in my pants.

[indistinct chatter,

feedback whines]

- [over PA] Hey, folks,

quick update here--

uh, there's been a bit

of a casting change.

The lead will now be played

by our very own Mr. B,

and Tom is back

to playing the village idiot.

Okay, thanks so much.

- Hang on. What?

[soft music playing]

- Our story begins

at a bleak café in Denmark.

A lone cat moans

in the distance

- [imitates meowing]

[light applause]

- As a old man named Valdemar

enters frame.

- A plague, you say?

- Oh, my God.

- Dear parents

[crying]

We shall meet again.

And we shall run

through the daffodils

forever more.

[grunting]

- What the hell was that?

- That sucked.

[all booing]

- Are they saying "you"

or "boo"?

- That was awful.

And I'm friends with that man.

- Mr. B, can I give you

some acting tips real quick?

- Well, you may as well, Tom.

Everybody else has.

[whispering indistinctly]

Tom, I'm afraid

you might be right.

All right, you f*cking idiots,

we'll take it

from Valdemar's soliloquy.

♪

Terence, my dear, dear Terence,

I must ask, and I must ask now.

Who amongst

you lost wastrels

farted?

- What the hell was that?

- Get him off the stage.

[all booing]

- Um, it's called comic relief,

you soulless gnomes.

- Man, who says "fart"

and don't get a laugh?

- Yeah, he really butchered

my mom's dialogue.

On paper,

that line was great.

- ♪ Remember,

there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ And patterns

to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember,

there's a lot of good omens ♪

♪ Supplying the proof

that our life ♪

♪ Is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember, it's a joke

and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be

always abiding ♪

♪ Remember, if there's one

good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth ♪

♪ We can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow,

we can float anywhere ♪