02x04 - Crossing Guard/Poker Game

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Now as our poor

young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit

♪ I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up

those I used to hate ♪

♪

♪ The feeling that

we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanations ♪

♪ Can't expect

our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ Therein lies a truth

we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow,

we can float anywhere ♪

- So that's where I'm at

with my bassoon playing.

Once I get a new mouthpiece,

I really feel like that's gonna

open up a world of opportunity.

- Tom.

- Yeah?

- With all due respect,

I just don't wanna talk

about bassoons.

- You don't wanna talk

about bassoons?

- No.

- Why?

Thought we were

having a great chat.

- My walk home

is my Hector time.

It's my chance to reflect

on the day's events

and, you know, ponder

what lies ahead,

you know, so

- All right, you know what?

This feels unpleasant

at best.

You know, I'm gonna walk ahead.

I'll catch you later.

- Great, thank you.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,

what the hell?

Stop right there.

- What happened?

- What does this sign say?

- Stop?

- "Stop," yeah.

Do you know what stop means?

- Yeah, it means

Tom should stop.

- You find this funny

right now?

Is this some sort

of joke to you?

Are you a comedian?

- No, I'm not--

I'm not known for my humor.

- Let me tell you

how the world works,

smart aleck.

- Okay.

- Within this little square,

I have full and absolute power.

- Are you

the normal crossing guard?

This can't be--

- That's enough.

Get on the ground right now,

as*h*le.

- Oh, get off me--hey.

- Whoa.

- You resisted

a crossing guard.

Now you're getting a ticket.

- I don't think crossing guards

can write tickets.

You're not a police officer.

- We're a recognized branch

of law enforcement.

- You are.

- It goes FBI, police,

security guards, TSA,

meter maids,

and then guess what.

- Crossing guards?

- Crossing guards.

[car honking]

- So you're in last place?

- Let it go, Tom.

Stop escalating.

- Here is your citation, idiot,

if you can read it.

- $1 for sassing

a crossing guard?

Nah.

- Now, can we carry on our day?

[cars honking]

All right, hold on, sugar t*ts.

Give me a second.

[school bell rings]

- Hey, Principal,

about this ticket:

my mom says you can shove it

up your flabby, pale keister.

- What?

- Her words, not mine.

I don't say things like that.

- Ticket?

- My mom doesn't wanna pay

the dollar on principle, so

- Wait, who gave you this?

- Oh, the crossing guard.

She didn't like my tone,

so she--

- She gave you a ticket?

- She wrote me a ticket,

shoved my face in the mud,

called me an A-hole.

It was pretty ugly.

It was pretty unpleasant.

- She's out of control.

This woman is the bane

of my existence.

- Why?

What did she do to you?

- She's a bully.

For the last 20 years,

every morning,

she gives me a wet willy.

- Every morning?

- Yes!

- That seems like that would

get old after a while.

- One time, she pantsed me

during a fire drill,

and Tom,

I'm gonna tell you something:

once the students

see your wiener,

they never take you

seriously again.

- She pulled your pants down?

- Yes.

Everyone saw my wiener.

You can't go up to kids

that saw your wiener.

"Hey, get out of the hallway.

Hey, you're late for class."

You know what they think?

"Oh, that's the guy--

we saw his wiener."

- That's terrible, I mean,

can't you just let her go?

- Well, I needed a reason,

and you might be the reason,

Tom.

- What do you mean?

- If you could fill out

a complaint form

- Oh, no,

I don't want her knowing.

She'll come after me.

- She won't even know it's you.

It is 100%

completely anonymous.

- I love that.

I love anonymous complaints.

- What?

- All right, let's fill it out.

If it saves my mom

a dollar, why not?

[bagpipe playing]

♪

- Kids,

we're devoting today's class

to a special lady in our lives.

After 20 years of service,

our beloved crossing guard

is being replaced

by a traffic light.

- What?

- No.

- No.

- No, no, no.

- I feel the same as you.

- But why?

- Kids, listen, I'm very sorry,

but my hands are tied here.

Someone lodged

a formal complaint

with the school system.

So there's nothing I can do.

- Someone lodged a complaint?

all: Who?

- Who did it?

- Well, it's anonymous.

- Anonymous?

We deserve to know.

This is unjust.

- All that it says here

is that it was a Caucasian

bassoon-playing male

with a green backpack.

- That could be anyone.

That's half the school.

- What about the bassoon?

- Bassoon?

Do I play bassoon?

- Oh, my g--

when he does this,

how can you--

- I don't remember

playing bassoon.

- What are you even

supposed to do, Randy?

- Crossing Guard, would you

like to say a few words?

Kids, let's give

the crossing guard a hand.

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Kids, helping you cross

the street all these years

has been an honor

and a privilege.

You have no idea

what it means to me.

- Aw.

- Aw.

- The laughs we shared

I will cherish forever.

- Laughs?

She was incredibly mean.

- And now, as I lay down

my stop sign

for the final time,

I wish you all the luck

and the happiness.

I truly do.

[cheers and applause]

Every last one of you

except Tom!

Man, I've never hated

anyone this much!

Tom, you're sh*t!

All right?

You're dog sh*t!

See you in hell!

Goodbye, everybody!

- That's a weird note

to end her career on.

- Now to honor

her lifetime of service

as both a crossing guard

and a police officer,

we're gonna send her off

with a 21-g*n salute!

Janitor!

[g*n c*ck]

Lock and load it!

Fire at will!

[g*nshots firing]

[bagpipe playing]

- Yeah!

Come on!

- Why are they cheering?

He's gonna k*ll somebody.

- Yeah,

I didn't sign off on this.

- Gotcha!

Yeah!

- Now back

to men's deadlifting.

Look at those glutes.

[knock at door]

- Oh, hey, what's up, guys?

- Hi, Tom.

We're going door to door,

collecting money to get

the crossing guard a gift.

- Oh, that's nice.

That's sweet.

Good luck.

- What?

You don't wanna give

a donation?

- Oh, how much?

Like a--

- I mean,

every little bit helps,

even just a dollar.

- Even just a dollar?

Can I give less?

- Than a dollar?

- I think

that's the smallest amount

of money there is possible.

- Oh, no, there's much smaller.

Nickels are popular.

Dimes are very common.

- Tom, you can't even give $1

for a woman who devoted

her life to keeping us safe?

- My mom didn't want me

to pay the ticket for a dollar,

so if I donate it,

then it's kind of

like she wins.

- Wins what?

- It's just, uh,

vengeance,

just petty, petty vengeance.

- Wow.

- Tom

- It's a new low.

- Why don't we do this?

Since you guys

raised the money--

- Mm-hmm?

- I'll put in my time,

my effort,

I'll buy the gift

and, uh, hand-deliver it.

- [groans]

You're so exhausting.

By the end

of every conversation,

I just end up giving in.

Randy, give Tom the money.

- Uh

[blabbers]

- So we came to collect,

but instead, we're giving

all of the money to Tom?

It feels wrong.

- That's--yeah, it's teamwork.

It's teamwork, Yasmine.

- All right.

- Good seeing you guys.

- Thomas.

- Mother.

- Word on the street

is that you're giving

the crossing guard a gift.

- Oh, no,

I'm not participating.

I'm just gonna buy it,

and there's no money

leaving the house.

- What are you getting her?

- Oh, we're getting

some custom-made pajamas

that have stop signs and says,

"Don't cross

the crossing guard."

- And this sounds very pricey.

- 75 bucks, no, yeah.

- Yeah, that's a lot of money.

So I'm thinking

we're gonna pump

the brakes on that.

- Pump the brakes?

- And I wanna know

if you're familiar

with the concept of regifting.

- Sounds weaselly.

No, what is it?

- I'm gonna keep this money,

and you give the woman

this nasty old gift

that I don't want.

- I don't think

crossing guards wear lingerie,

do they?

- What matters

is you gave her a present,

and you didn't spend any money.

- So we should

at least get her a new card,

probably, right?

- This is part of regifting.

If you're gonna regift,

you might as well re-card.

- The card says,

"Love ya, babe,"

and "I love them

sweet, sweet t*tties."

I just can't picture giving

that to the crossing guard.

- I don't know what you

want me to say right now,

but we're not

buying a new card.

It defeats the whole purpose.

- Hey.

- Ugh, you

- That's not a good reaction.

Listen, I'm Tom from school.

Is the crossing guard home?

- No, she is not home.

She is bummed out,

'cause she doesn't have a job,

'cause you got her fired.

- I mean, she was partly

to blame.

She did shove my face

in the mud

and call me an A-hole, so

- I mean, I've been

around you for a minute.

I want to do that.

- You know what?

Listen.

I got her a gift.

It's from all the kids.

- Oh, my God.

Lingerie?

You really think

she's an A cup?

- I didn't really give it

a lot of thought.

She's always wearing

that reflective vest.

It's blousy.

It's a blousy fit.

- I feel like if you really

wanna make her feel better,

you would give her something

that would lift her spirits.

- Okay, like what?

- Well, you know,

she was a crossing guard,

because it reminded her

of the good ol' days,

back when she was

on the police force.

- Oh, I didn't realize that.

- You could help her rekindle

some of those good ol' days.

- Me?

How would I do that?

- I don't know, maybe you could

stage, like, a fake crime.

- Stage a fake crime?

Where did that come from?

- Then she could come in

and be the person

that saves the day.

- No, that sounds like

some kind of elaborate scheme.

I was hoping to just give her

the gift and get out of here.

- Tom, honestly,

it's the least you could do.

You got her fired.

- So this is the only gift.

I have to stage a fake crime?

I can't get her a robe or--

- Uh, no robes.

Here, in fact, take this back.

- You're rejecting the gift?

- I'll keep the card.

- Oh, no, no,

don't read the card.

Don't read the card.

- Tom!

Oh, my

- I know.

- Why would you write this?

- Yeah, I shouldn't have

written "t*tties."

It was really--

- Well, you shouldn't have

written t*tties with two Ds.

- Yeah, I should've just

written "Love ya" or something.

- No, or "Sincerely."

- "Sincerely, the whole g*ng."

Yeah, something like that.

- But how do

we spell "t*tties," Tom?

- Two Ts, no Ds.

- Thank you.

[knocking on door]

- Hey, Randy, what's going on,

you crazy son of a b*tch?

- Randy!

Ran's the man.

- Hi, uh, Tom, I thought, uh,

told you never to come

to my house again.

- Oh, that was a long time ago.

I thought

we're more friendly now.

- Okay

guess I didn't get

the memo there.

- Listen, Randy, since you live

across the street

from the crossing guard

- Mm-hmm?

- We need a favor from you.

- We wanna do something special

as a going-away gift.

- Yeah, but I thought,

you know, didn't we get her

a gift already?

- No, this is the gift:

the gift--the gift

of nostalgia.

- Gift of nostalgia?

Wow

That is some classic

Tom bullshit right there.

- It's good enough.

Trust me.

You're gonna love it.

Here's the plan.

You ready?

- Yeah.

- We're gonna be outside

on the lookout.

- As the crossing guard

comes out for her daily walk,

I'm gonna scream, "Some maniac

broke into Randy's house!"

- Uh, d--uh-huh.

- Then--are you with me?

- Uh-huh.

- The crossing guard

is gonna spring into action,

enter your home

and save you.

[page flips]

You'll say,

"Thank God you're here.

You must've scared

the maniac off."

- Oh

- She'll feel like a hero.

- Mm-hmm.

- And that's the gift.

- Fine, sure,

but this is the last time

you're in charge

of buying a gift.

Gift of nostalgia?

Wow.

- This is gonna be great.

I think she's gonna love this,

actually.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, here she come,

here she come.

- Oh, there she is.

- Once she around the corner,

let's do it.

- All right, here we go.

Oh, no,

there's a robbery in progress.

- Oh!

- Some maniac broke

into Randy's house.

- No!

- Help, help!

- Wait, what's going on?

It's a robbery?

Okay, nobody panic.

- Crossing Guard.

- No one panic.

Call 911.

- 911?

Oh, no, no, no.

You--you're here.

- 911: dial it now.

- There's no time!

You need to get in there now!

- No, no, no, no, no.

I need to follow protocol.

- Crossing Guard,

you gotta get in there.

- But there's a--

there's a protocol.

- Crossing Guard,

look me in the eye.

Crossing Guard?

- I'm looking.

Sorry, I have a lazy eye.

- Your whole life was built

to this moment.

You can save

a child's life right now.

The kids need you.

You gotta get in that house.

You gotta get in that house.

- I have to get in that house.

- All right.

- The kids need me.

I'm coming out of retirement.

You're right.

- Oh, this is exciting.

- Randy, I'm coming for you!

[grunts]

[glass shatters]

- Who the f*ck are you?

- No, who the f*ck are you?

[thud]

- Get out of my house!

- Dad, no, not the Weedwacker!

[Weedwacker revs]

- [screams]

[thud]

[sirens blaring]

- That didn't sound good.

- Wow, we really

should've looped

Randy's dad in on the plan.

That was a major oversight.

- Everybody, back.

Nothing to see here.

A landscaper beat the sh*t

out of a crossing guard.

- [groans]

Glad you're safe, Randy.

Glad you're safe.

- Hey, don't talk to my son!

What kind of world is this,

when crossing guards

can just break into your home?

- I am so confused.

Did the crossing guard

break into your house,

or was she trying to save you?

- Uh, no comment.

- No comment?

What does that mean?

- I was there.

- Oh, no, no, please.

- I distinctly

heard Tom scream,

"There's a robbery in progress.

Get in there, Crossing Guard."

- I identified it as a robbery?

- You said it was a robbery.

I mean, did you listen

to my quote?

I said the quote.

- Tom, why?

Why would you say that?

- Why did I tell her to run in?

- Yeah.

- I hope we can all chuckle

about it, but this was

actually the gift I got her.

- What?

- This whole thing was actually

her going-away present.

This was the gift.

- This is what you got her:

the gift of being attacked

by Randy's dad?

- It's not a great present.

Yeah, I'm the first to admit.

- Tom

- If it's any consolation,

if someone wants

this women's underwear,

have at it.

[bagpipe plays]

♪

[rock music]

[laughter]

- Nothing better

than a bunch of dudes

in a basement, drinking booze.

- Oh, is it!

When men can be men

down in a basement

with a ice cream man

and scotch and poker.

- You said it, Coach.

You're all right,

Ice Cream Man.

- My name is Doug.

You don't have to keep

calling me the ice cream man.

- Hey, yo

Tom's in the house.

- Oh, no.

- Come on.

- That's not a good reaction.

- Hey, Dad,

you mind if we watch?

The sleepover

kind of losing steam.

- Yeah, it's hard to fill

six hours with small talk.

- Yeah, get in here

and watch and learn!

Coach is on a hot streak.

- Full house, as*h*le.

Pay up.

- What did you do, Tom?

- Me?

I'm standing here.

- That's the first hand

I've lost all night.

- I'm just stand--

I'm literally standing here.

I did nothing.

- Deal 'em again.

- Nothing but fun here.

- Tom, these guys

get pretty intense.

Just try to lay low.

- I literally said, "Hey, yo,

Tom's in the house."

I thought it was a fun way

to enter the room.

- Royal flush.

Read 'em and weep.

- Son of a b*tch!

Tom!

- What?

What's happening?

- Leave this room immediately!

- Why me?

Why Tom?

- Because I was winning,

and then you walked in,

and now I'm losing.

- Just pretend I'm not here.

- I can't, Tom.

You're standing there

with a goofy-a*s look

on your face

and a g*dd*mn string cheese

in your hand.

- Coach.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Just calm down, Coach.

Calm down!

- No need for that.

- That's right, Coach.

You lose.

- This is some bullshit!

- Hey, hey.

- Come on, Coach.

- I'm out of here!

[door slams]

- Whoa.

- Dude can't handle

his ice cream.

[school bell rings]

- Oh, man, you guys missed

a good sleepover.

You really did.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, great conversation,

good string cheese.

- I always like that time

right before you fall asleep

at a sleepover when everybody

starts talking

about their dads.

- What?

All right, guys.

- See you guys later.

- School it up.

- School it up, Hector.

- Tom.

- Hey.

- Don't--don't look at me.

- Wait, what?

- Don't look at me, okay?

Now, I want you to walk

into the boys' bathroom

at 0900 hours.

- Okay.

- Enter the second stall.

- Second stall.

- I want you to pretend

to take a poop.

Then just wait

for further instructions.

- Weird way to start

the school day.

[suspenseful music]

Uh, Principal?

You wanted to see me

in the bathroom?

- Tom, shh, get in here.

Stand up on this toilet.

- Okay.

All right, so what's this

all about?

- Who writes this stuff?

Do I really look like this,

Tom?

- Is that--is this why

we're in here?

What's going on?

- It's about last night, Tom.

Look at how much money I won.

- Oh, my God.

- I think you're

my good luck charm.

- I'm good at something?

That's incredible.

- Yes, it is incredible.

I have an idea.

- Yeah?

- I think you should

skip school today

and go with me to the track.

- The track?

I can't leave school.

My education's too important.

- No, it's actually not.

- No?

- As a grown-up,

your options for earning money

will be gambling, stealing,

and finding loose objects on

the beach with metal detectors.

- That's the only way

I'll ever make money?

- Maybe you could borrow money

from friends

and not pay 'em back,

but that's it.

- I guess

if I'm good at gambling,

I guess you gotta go

with what you're good at.

- Yes, yes, yes!

- Can my Uncle Bill come?

- Yes, I mean, if anything,

it'll be less weird that way.

- It feels like

it's gonna be weird

no matter how you slice it,

but all right, let's go.

- [laughing]

- Yes, yes!

Boom.

I just keep winning.

- Who needs a job

when you can go to the track

with lucky Tom!

[grunts]

- No, please.

Bill, stop it.

- Everybody, let's focus, okay?

There's a horse on here

called Silly Tom.

I think this is

what they call fate.

- Why is it fate, exactly?

- Because your name is Tom,

and the horse's name is Tom,

and remember that time

you were eating a carrot,

and I was like,

"You look like a horse, Tom"?

- Is that fate?

- I say we go all in here.

- All in

because of the name Tom?

- Yeah, don't you feel it

down in your sack, Tom?

- Feel it in my sack?

No.

- Lou, ten grand

on Silly Tom to win

and put it on my tab.

- All right, sweet bet.

- Hey, you know, me too.

Ten Gs, put it on my tab.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You don't have a tab.

I don't f*cking know

who you are.

- I'm Uncle Bill.

- Yeah,

that doesn't

really do much for me.

So you got some kind

of collateral or something?

- Yeah, sure I got collateral.

I got this.

- What is this?

This is the deed

to Tom's mom's house.

- Wait, what? No.

- Sweet.

- Wait, where'd that come from?

- I got it

from your mom's house.

- Obviously.

Don't take the deed.

You can't bet my mom's house.

- He can bet

your mom's house.

- Tom, you don't understand.

It's not gambling

if it's a sure thing.

We won three times in a row!

Mathematically,

it's impossible for us to lose!

- Bill,

you're not good at math.

You don't understand math,

do you?

- Tom, you don't win

and then win and then win

and then lose.

That's not the way it works.

- You just keep winning?

- You just keep winning.

- All right, let's go win.

Let's go win it up.

- Win it up, baby.

[g*nsh*t fires]

[all cheering]

- And they're off!

Betty's Dream out of the gate.

Handicapped Pam

is making a move!

- Go, Silly Tom!

Come on!

- Hey!

Let's rub Tom's head

for good luck.

- No, no, please.

- That's a great idea; rub.

- No, stop, stop.

- Go, go, go,

come on, Silly Tom!

Go!

- I don't like people

touching my hair.

- There's Silly Tom!

Unbelievable.

Where did he come from?

- Come on, Silly Tom!

- We're gonna win.

- Run, Tom, run!

Oh, we're gonna be rich!

- Neck and neck, Silly Tom,

Betty's Dream,

Silly Tom pulling away.

Oh, no, what's this?

[horse neighs]

Silly Tom has tripped,

tripped like an idiot,

and it's Betty's Dream

for the win!

- Aw!

- Wait, what happened?

- I'll tell you what happened:

Silly Tom blew it,

just like the real Tom.

- And Silly Tom,

splayed out in the dirt.

What a piece of sh*t!

- Oh, mom,

you're such a good cook.

These Pop-Tarts are amazing.

- Aw, thanks, Tom.

It's funny.

I've always been

really great with toasters.

- So this is the kitchen area--

huge turd--

we'd rip all this out.

- Um, what the hell

are you doing?

Get out of my house.

- Uh,

it's not your house, lady.

- What are you talking about,

man?

I live here.

- What Bill said was,

"I don't have the ten large

I owe you, Lou,

so take this house."

- What?

What does that even mean?

- I got the deed right here.

- Wait, this is it?

Like, someone wrote with

a Sharpie on printer paper,

that's what you're

handing me right now?

- What are you talking about?

It says "deed."

- You don't own a house

just 'cause someone

hands you the deed.

How dumb are you, dog?

- I'm pretty dumb, but tell me

where Bill is right now,

because Bill still owes me

ten large.

[movement rustling]

- You see Bill?

- I have not seen him.

[indistinct speaking]

- What?

Did you hear that?

- That's--we got raccoons

in the attic.

[indistinct yelling]

- No, that's not raccoon.

That sounds like somebody

that owes me money.

Here I come, Bill!

- Lou, stop.

- I'm gonna break your a*s!

- Lou, please.

- Too many questions!

Just pick me up

at the Jersey Turnpike.

I gotta go.

I gotta go!

Oh, hello.

- Hey, as*h*le,

you owe me ten grand.

- Whoa, I don't know what

you're talking about, man.

- Bill, just pay the guy.

- [fake accent]

I don't speak English.

Me llamo biblioteca.

I gotta go!

- Oh, no, oh, no.

- Hey, come here.

- Don't k*ll him.

- I gotcha.

- Don't hurt him.

- He doesn't deserve it.

- Please let go!

[crying]

- You know what happens to guys

who don't pay?

- A stern lecture

and a handshake?

- No.

- Oh, oh, come on!

I got too much to live for!

Like what?

- I don't know.

I wasn't expecting a question.

- Man, stop squirming.

I can't hold you.

- [screams]

- Oh, no!

- [grunts]

- Bill!

- I fell

on my whacking-off arm!

I'll never pick up

foul ba*ls again.

[panting]

- He's running away.

- Okay, lady,

you're now responsible.

If I don't get my ten large,

I'm throwing your kid

out the window next.

- Lou, please.

- All right,

there's no need for that.

Trust me.

My Uncle Bill

is good for the money.

- Yeah, kid,

let me give you some advice:

shirtless guys

that live in an attic

and beat off all the time?

Typically not good for it.

[bassoon plays]

♪

- Kid, that didn't sound

anything like "Born to Run."

I want my money back.

- Oh, no,

no, that's the bassoon part.

- There is no bassoon

in "Born to Run."

Give me my money.

- Oh, sorry, no refunds.

I need the money.

Keep moving.

♪

- Tom, what are you doing here?

- Hey, just playing

the bassoon outdoors.

I like--I love being outside.

- Okay, 'cause I heard

your uncle was thrown

out of a window,

and now it looks like

you're busking for money.

- All right, you're right.

We're having money issues.

It's bad.

They're gonna throw me

out the window.

- Oh, my God.

I know we're not friends,

but I don't wanna see

any of you m*rder*d

or bludgeoned to death.

- Thank you.

That's really nice.

- Brad's brother is

a huge hedge fund guy,

and he could advise you guys,

or--he's such a nice guy,

he could even probably

give you the money.

- Uh, let's not bother Russ.

I mean, he's not that wealthy.

- Come on, he's loaded,

and you know what?

It'd be really fun to see him

and everything,

and I'm telling you,

he is just so slick

and everybody loves him--

big personality,

very attractive.

He's got big calves,

and he's got

a full head of hair.

- Honey,

just come out and say it.

You wanna nail my brother.

- What?

- Oh, my God.

I wanna visit Russ

because I care about Tom's mom!

I'm being nice.

- You're not nice.

Tom, is she a nice woman?

- You know what?

Leave me out of this.

- Okay, everybody,

it's decided.

We're visiting Russ

in the Hamptons!

Okay, now everyone wait here,

'cause I'm just gonna go

get a quick wax.

[electric dance music]

- What a nice surprise:

my favorite sister-in-law.

Come here, baby.

Come over here.

- [giggling]

Great to see you, Russ.

- No one told me

to bring swim trunks.

- Brad!

God, you really gotta learn

when to shut up.

- All right.

- [sighs]

Now, it is my understanding

that you nice folks

want to talk money.

- Yeah, thanks for seeing us.

We lost some money

at the track.

- We were hoping

that we could borrow $10,000

or better yet, just have it

for free.

- I'm actually

gonna do one better.

- You're gonna

give us 11 grand?

That's so great.

Thank you so much.

- Honestly, Russ

- Thank you, Russ.

- Give us as much as you want.

We'll take it. Thank you.

- So the deposit

I'm gonna make is actually

gonna be into your ear,

because I'm gonna teach you

how to earn the money yourself.

- Ugh.

- That's not one better.

That's worse, right?

- Yeah, no,

that's definitely worse.

- I don't believe in handouts.

Now lean in here

so I can whisper a stock tip

in your ear.

- Oh, okay.

- You know what?

How about you just whisper it

in my ear,

and I'll tell her later?

- All right,

that sounds good to me.

[whispers indistinctly]

- [moaning]

Oh, Russ.

- Ew

- Doesn't sound like

a stock tip.

He just said "p*nis."

- Yeah, I know.

- All right, I'm going

to head in for the night.

- [moans] Oh.

- And that's how you're gonna

be able to quadruple

your money

in just a few days.

- Really?

- That's right.

- That sounds amazing.

- Wow.

- Thank you so much.

We'll get all the info later.

- What are we doing

with these bathing suits on?

Am I right?

We're family.

- Oh, man, I can't believe

Lou slashed my tires.

This guy is hardcore.

- [whispering] Hey, Tom.

- Uncle Bill?

- Shh, quiet.

I'm still hiding from Lou.

I just came by to pick up

my butt-chugging gear.

- That's why

you came out of hiding?

- Yeah.

- I can look for it,

but you know what?

You don't need to hide.

My mom got

an insider stock tip.

We can pay Lou back.

She's buying

the stock right now.

We're all set.

- [normal voice] Oh, my God,

that's great news!

What's the stock?

- All I know

is the PizzaRama stock

is gonna go down,

so we're shorting it.

- Let's check it out.

This is great news.

Come on, all right!

[reads indistinctly]

Tom, this is a disaster!

- What?

What's wrong?

- The stock is up

1/16th of a point.

- We've literally owned

the stock for five minutes.

Let's calm down.

- No, no, we need down, not up.

- Do you think you sound

intelligent right now?

- No, now you get

your friend Nelly

and you meet me at PizzaRama.

I got an idea.

Ah, I can feel it

in my sack again.

Ah, the seat's too small.

Ow, my a*s!

- Got a bad feeling I'm never

gonna see that bike again.

- All right,

thanks for joining us, Nelly.

- Bruh,

I don't answer to Nelly.

- He prefers Nelson or Big N.

- Whoever you are, lean in.

Come here.

All right, we need

this stock to go down.

So the idea is to create

negative headlines.

- What do you mean, like

try to manipulate the stock?

- Right, so I stopped

at a pet store

on the way over here,

and I purchased a live rat.

- Wait, what?

- Did he say "rat?"

- Look, just hear me out.

Tom will claim

there's a rat in his salad.

Nelly will throw up.

I'll faint.

It'll be all caught on film,

and the stock will go down.

Who's got questions?

- I have so many questions.

- Tom, you really need to loop

me in on this planning stage.

I'm going to respectfully

bow out of this one.

- Oh, come on, Nelson,

you're the vomit guy.

- Come on, Nelly.

- Uncle Bill,

Nelly is a rapper.

I am

a ten-year-old businessman.

I'm out of here.

- All right, Bill.

We gotta regroup.

- No, Tom, we have no time

to regroup.

The rat's getting fidgety.

- It's not gonna work.

- Tom, it's already happening.

Can I talk to the manager,

please?

- Oh, my God.

- Uh, hi, folks.

What seems to be the problem?

- Hey, there's a live rat

in my salad.

- Ooh, yikes.

Um, sorry,

did it come like that?

- Ew!

- Don't film this.

Uh, nothing to see here.

- Is everybody seeing this?

There's a rat in his salad!

- Oh, my God!

How did that even get in there?

- He's eating the salad.

- It's okay, folks.

Sit down.

It's not

an emergency situation.

- You see this, little girl?

- [screams]

- We gotta get out

of here!

Oh, my God!

[both fake retch]

- Come on, don't leave.

- Everybody, run!

- sh*t.

- Spread the word!

Rat salad at PizzaRama!

[laughs]

- Oh, wow.

- We really did it.

The stock prices tank.

- That's right,

smart investing.

- It's good to be rich, huh?

Let's make it rain, huh?

Yay!

- We don't need singles.

What are we gonna do

with singles?

- [laughs]

- Hi, excuse me.

- We did it.

- Hey, we're with

the Securities

and Exchange Commission.

We have a few questions

for you guys.

- What now?

- Let me tell you

what happened: at 9:00 a.m.

yesterday, your mother

shorted a stock.

- That doesn't ring a bell

at all.

- But then, at 9:15,

your brother purchased a rat.

- We don't know

what you're talking about.

- Yeah, and then at 9:30,

you claimed there was

a rat in your salad.

- No, I'd remember

something like that.

- And at 9:45, your uncle

posted on Instagram,

"Beers are on me, b*tches.

#ratsalad."

- And you're suggesting those

things are somehow related?

- As far as paper trails go,

it doesn't get

much dumber than this.

- So what are you saying,

exactly?

You gonna seize our assets?

- You know, we were, but

your stuff is so disgusting

that we're just gonna

let you off with a warning.

- All right, I guess

we'll chalk this up as a win.

- ♪ Remember

there's more road ♪

And places to go ♪

♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember

there's a lot of good omens ♪

♪ Supplying the proof ♪

♪ That our life

is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke

and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be

always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's

one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth

we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow ♪

♪ We can float anywhere ♪