- ♪ Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
♪ I'll admit
♪ I've gotten older ♪
♪ Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
♪ The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
♪ I present no explanation ♪
♪ Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
♪ To satiate for long ♪
♪ Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
♪
- Hey, Randy?
- Mm-hmm.
- Can I ask you a quick favor?
- Yeah, what's up?
- Do you think you could throw
some kind of shawl
or a tarp over your midsection?
- Wait, w--
- Over your crotch and lap?
- You want me to put
a shawl on my crotch?
- Listen, your jeans have
a lot of rips, like a
- Thank you.
- Crazy amount of rips.
- Thank you.
- From certain angles
- Mm-hmm.
- I can see your wiener.
- Oh, yeah, I guess you can.
- If you got a problem
with the rips,
don't take a glance.
- Just cover it up.
- That is your hangup, man.
- I'm telling you to cover up
your p*nis,
and you're saying
it's my hangup?
- Tom, that's the style.
- So you're not
gonna cover up?
- No.
Are you gonna
put rips in your pants?
- Just gonna walk around school
with your wiener
flopping around
like everything's fine?
- Sounds
like you're jealous, Tom.
- I'm jealous of Randy?
- Randy is a very cool dresser.
- No, I mean,
I'm a cool dresser, too, so
- Oh, no.
- What?
- You wear the same blue shirt
every day.
- This shirt?
No, I've never worn
this shirt before.
- Well
- You guys
don't even know fashion.
Tell 'em, Nelson.
I'm a cool dresser, right?
- Sure, you definitely have
clothes on your body.
- Sounds like a compliment.
Guys, I'm obviously
well dressed.
This is my party shirt.
- Wait.
That's your party shirt?
- This is my party shirt
when I'm in a good mood.
- Tom, that's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.
- Hi, kids.
Uh, this is serious,
so sit down.
I've been getting complaints
about inappropriate clothing
at school.
- Wait, what?
- Who complained?
- Complaints?
- Look at this!
Vulgar T-shirts?
Age-inappropriate skirts.
And ripped jeans?
I don't need to see
your junk, Randy.
Hey, by show of hands,
how many people
wanna see Randy's junk?
Not one hand.
- It's called
a silent majority,
and that's
what's happening here.
- And it's gotta end,
so I've no choice
but to implement
school uniforms.
- That's actually a good idea.
- Uniforms?
- Can he do this?
- We can't--
what are we, prisoners?
- Now, I'm sure a lot
of you people notice
that I'm a very sharp dresser,
but I think Mr. B.
is the most stylish,
so I asked him to come up
with the design.
- Hello, kids.
As you may know,
we live in a suburban wasteland
with no sense of style
or class.
- Okay, Mr. B.,
let's keep it positive.
- My challenge was to create
a look that is bland
and unflattering,
so I looked around
for inspiration,
and look what I came up with.
- No. No!
- Oh, what?
- Oh, no.
- Help!
- It's like a sick joke.
- What's happening?
- What's happening?
It's a look that screams,
"I've given up on life,
and life has given up on me."
- No.
Mr. B., can I weigh in?
Do you want my two cents?
- Not really, no.
- With all due respect,
that's copyright infringement.
I'll sue you.
- Um, Tom,
you're not suing anyone.
- You can't do this.
- No one can own
the combo of a blue shirt
with tan slacks.
- Oh, no, I'm known for it.
- Numbskulls
all across the planet wear it.
- He's clearly drunk.
He's clearly been drinking.
- Tom, I'm afraid
this is happening,
so, kids, pick up
your uniforms.
From now on, you wear them
every day.
That's it.
- You gotta admit,
the fabric is exquisite.
- Tom, how do you go
through life like this?
It's so depressing.
- You don't like
the way you look?
- I would rather my parents
tell me
they're getting divorced
every day
than wear this shirt.
- Stop.
That's insulting.
- This backpack is giving me
a serious case of wall a*s.
- You don't like it?
- Pushes down on my butt.
Looks like I have nothing.
- I don't like this at all.
We about to shut this down.
- There's gonna be
a school walkout at noon.
- You're gonna walk
out of school?
- The entire school's
walking out.
- You're gonna walk out
'cause you look like Tom.
- It's a crime
against humanity.
Tom, there's no other way
to put it.
- You're overreacting.
- No one wants to look
like you, dude.
You look like a bland piece
of poo-poo, bro.
- I look like a bland piece
of poo-poo?
- You look like poo-poo
that's bland as sh*t.
- Mom, can I ask you
a question?
- Yeah, sh**t.
- Do I look like a bland piece
of poo-poo?
- No.
- No?
- No, why--
- Oh, really?
- Why are you asking me that?
- I'm just getting some
harsh critiques on my look.
These uniforms are not
going over well.
- Tom, you should be flattered.
- Flattered?
- They want everyone at school
to look like you
because you're so handsome.
- No, this is punishment.
Mr. B. pointed that out.
- No, my boy's handsome.
- Tom, you know
what your problem is?
- No, you don't need
to weigh in, Grandma.
- You don't tuck in your shirt.
- Eh, that's not my thing.
- Well, you better tuck it in,
because I wanna see
what it looks like.
- Let it go.
- I'm not gonna leave
until you do it.
- Relax.
Take a nap.
- Take a nap?
- I don't wanna.
- Take a slap.
- Why are you standing up?
- Because
I'm gonna do it for you.
- Oh, no, please.
- Hold still.
- Oh, no.
- Gonna tuck you in.
- Nobody's gonna stop this.
- Oh, hold still.
- Oh, no, please, Grandma.
- [gasps]
- Oh, wow.
- Good?
- I mean, that actually made
a big difference.
- Really?
- You don't believe me?
We're gonna call
your Uncle Bill.
- Come on, he doesn't know
what he's talking about.
- Hey-hey-hey-hey!
- Hi, Bill.
Listen, Tom tucked in
his shirt.
Tell us what you think.
- My God.
Tommy, you look fantastic.
- Really?
- You look like a model.
- Because I tucked my shirt in?
- It's night and day, Tommy.
Night and day.
- Come on.
- I agree with him.
Something magical happened
when you tucked that shirt in.
- I look that good.
- Look, you're a kid who comes
from a long line of disgusting,
very gross slobs.
- Yeah.
- If you have a chance
to become a model,
you have to go for it!
- That was very inspiring,
actually.
All right, let's try it.
- Hey, hey.
All right, welcome to Triple M,
Male Model Management.
I'm Dino.
What can I do for you guys?
- Thanks for seeing us.
My son is
abnormally good-looking,
and he's considering
doing some modeling.
- Love to meet him.
You bring him in sometime.
Be great.
- Oh, no, it's--it's me.
I'm the--I'm the male model.
- You're the good l--
you're good-looking?
- That's the word
on the street.
My grandma seems to think--
- Listen.
I'ma give you
my professional opinion,
okay, and it's free.
This is a free opinion,
all right?
- Great.
- Hair: terrible.
- That's fair.
- Nose: hideous.
- I can see that.
- Torso: misshapen.
- Not positive feedback, is it?
- Listen, the world
of modeling, son,
it is a cutthroat business
of beautiful people.
It's not for you.
- Yeah, the more we talk
it through, this does seem--
- You agree.
- It seems hasty
that we came into the city.
- Fantastic.
I mean, I feel good about this.
- This is good
constructive criticism.
I'll go work on my nose
and mouth and hair.
- Take care.
Thanks for coming in.
Actually, stop right there.
- Who, me?
- Your rear end is exquisite.
- Really?
- It is perfectly proportioned.
Can I just have one--
can I get closer?
- No, that seems
a little weird.
- No, that's okay, Tom.
Get in there.
- Okay, the cheeks--
they're perfectly balanced.
- Really.
- The pants seem to hang
at such a perfect angle.
- That's what my grandma said.
- Okay, listen, I think
I can probably get you
catalog work.
- Wow, this is great!
- Kids' clothes: chinos
- Really?
- Khakis, chaps.
Have you ever worn
a pair of chaps?
- That's amazing.
You're saying I could be
a model?
- A butt model.
- But I'd be a model.
- Again, a butt model.
Your face would never
actually appear.
- It's fine.
- Okay, so what's happening?
You wanna sign Tom?
- Absolutely.
- This is amazing.
- And listen, I'm gonna have
a launch party this Friday
at my loft.
- Yeah.
- I'd love you to swing by
and show off the goods.
[light glitzy music]
- Excuse me.
- Yeah?
- Didn't I see your rear end
in the new L.L. Bean catalog?
- Yeah, wearing the chinos?
- I mean, that tuchus
is just
- I get that a lot.
- Those are on me, little man.
- Wait, why?
- Nah, you famous, dude.
- Really?
- I saw your tush
in the new H&M catalog. Sweet.
- A little creepy,
but thank you.
♪
- Hey, guys, check it out.
- What?
- That's me on the billboard.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
- That's my rear end
in the corduroys up there.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down.
- Wait, I'm confused.
- I got signed
with a modeling agency.
- Tom, you're telling us
you're a model?
- I am a working model, yes.
- Oh, they're paying you
to model?
- I told you. I told you
I'm a well-dressed guy,
and people like the way
clothes look on my body.
- [laughs] Have we entered
a parallel universe?
- No, I'm afraid not.
Listen, I gotta--I gotta run.
Um, I'm having a party
at my agent's loft.
- What?
You have an agent,
and they have a loft?
- Yeah.
- Why wasn't I included
in this deal?
- That's the mod--
these are my modeling friends.
It's a whole other world.
- Tom--
- Why don't you swing by?
- Swing by?
- Yeah, I guess we'll--
we can "swing by"
your agent's loft.
- Tom, who are you?
- A good-looking dude
getting off a bus.
- Hey, everybody, can you
kind of gather round here?
Let's welcome the number-one
male youth rear end model
in the Northeast region, Tom.
- Listen, guys,
I just wanna thank everyone.
Seems like just yesterday,
I wasn't even tucking in
my shirts.
Now I'm the number-one
male youth rear end model.
- That's my son right there.
- I wanna thank my agent, Dino,
who looked at my tush
and said, "I like what I see."
- Well, no, I didn't--
that's not exactly how it
- Anyway
- Went down, every--
- Love you guys.
Thank you so much.
- [laughs]
Let's hear it for him.
- [sighs] Things are happening
so fast, Tom.
This is exciting!
- I know.
If my rear end keeps looking
this good,
the sky's the limit.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry, guys.
We've got a dress code.
- Oh, we came
straight from school.
We're on the list.
- Yeah, it doesn't matter.
The invite said smart casual.
You guys look
like f*cking idiots.
- But we're dressed
like the host of the party.
- That's dumb casual.
You look like a moron.
- What?
- Oh, hey, there he is.
Hey, Tom, get over here!
- Oh, hey, guys.
Glad you made it.
- Tell these guys
that we're smart casual.
- Oh, you know,
that's gonna be a--
that's gonna be a problem.
I don't think
we can let you in.
- What?
- What?
- Can't let you in
wearing this.
What is this?
- This is literally your shirt.
- You wore backpacks
to a loft party?
Who does that?
- Tom, you invited us
when we were wearing this.
- I'm sorry, I--
- This is very disruptive, Tom.
I think you need
to make a decision here:
your new modeling friends
or your poorly dressed friends.
- This is a tough decision.
- It is?
- You know what?
Don't even answer the question.
We're done with you, Tom.
- Wait, what?
No, no, come on.
- You've changed.
- Don't be mad at me
'cause I'm
a really good-looking guy
and clothes look exquisite
on my physique.
- Wow, you have changed.
The minute you started using
the word "physique,"
I'm out of here.
- Have a nice life.
- You just have
a different vibe than they do.
- Hey, Ma, no one
wants to play with me,
so I'm just gonna walk
around the neighborhood
and look at my billboards.
- Okay, Tom.
You have fun.
[ice cream jingle playing]
- Hey, little man.
- Oh, hey, ice cream man.
- You look depressed.
- Yeah, you're right.
I'm starting to feel
like I made
a terrible mistake.
Everyone's calling me a d*uche.
- Tell me your troubles.
- You wanna hear it?
- No, but I'll listen.
- All right.
Um
they introduced
school uniforms
- Ugh.
- They made me question
my appearance
- Tom.
- I got into male modeling
- Pssh.
- One thing led to another,
and now I don't have
any friends.
- Tom, clothes
do not make the man.
- No, I'm told
they're pretty important,
that everyone cares
how you look.
- Look at me.
- Yeah?
I wear a Hawaiian shirt,
filthy cargo shorts,
and an ice cream man's cap.
- It is a silly look.
- I am perfectly happy.
- Even though you look
terrible.
- That's the lesson.
You need to renounce
this world of vanity
and fashion.
- What can I do?
I mean
- You need to take off
this uniform
and go streaking.
- Streaking?
What's that?
- It's running around
with your shvanz
flopping around.
- This is your advice.
- Uh-huh.
- That's what activism
is all about.
- Oh.
- It's getting in trouble
to make your point.
- That's actually brilliant.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now I see
why you're so successful.
- Yeah, well, if anyone
questions you,
you just say,
"My ice cream man
advised me to do it."
- Can't imagine that carries
as much weight
as you think it does.
- That's it, y'all!
Kick the ball.
Nice!
Nice. Left flank.
Left flank!
Protect the goal!
Yes.
- Oh, my God, is Tom
running onto the field naked?
- Hey, everyone, look at me.
- Oh, God.
- Oh!
- Stop.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Stop this, please!
- Why?
- Tom, what are you doing?
- Check it out.
- Kids, turn away.
- Make it stop!
- I'm on it.
- Nelson, get away.
- Come here.
- Stop.
- Kids, what don't you
understand?
Don't look at his p*nis
or his rear end.
- Agh!
- Get off!
- Relax.
It's me.
It's Nelson.
Down, boy.
- Get him off.
Get him off.
- Oh, whose wiener
are we seeing now?
- I know, it's an ironic turn
of events.
- Tom, what the hell
was all that?
- I'm sorry.
I just wanted to, uh,
protest the school uniforms.
I believe they place
too much importance
on appearance,
and I believe--
- What school uniforms?
We scrapped that idea.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, I was getting
death threats
since no one wanted
to look like you.
- Oh.
So this was--
this whole thing
was unnecessary?
- Yes, Tom,
completely unnecessary.
Yeah, and you're
in a lot of trouble.
- Me?
Oh, no, no.
My ice cream man
put me up to this.
It was all--
it was the ice cream man.
- Well, I don't know what to do
with that information, Tom.
- Well, I guess we all learned
a lesson here.
- What was that, Tom?
- Never tuck in your shirt.
Never ends well.
- That's what you got
out of this?
[upbeat dance music]
♪
- All right, Tom,
I'm taking off.
Have fun with Grandma, okay?
- All right, have fun
with whatever weird stuff
you're doing.
- Thanks, but I'm gonna need
you to remember the rules.
- Oh, no, is this
about last time?
- No leaving the house.
- Come on, Grandma was drunk.
It won't happen again.
- No blankets.
- No blankets?
- No pillowcases.
- Wait, what?
- No touching the lamps.
- Even if it's dark,
we can't touch the lamps.
- These are the rules.
- All right.
Safe to assume Grandma
can't smoke in the house?
- That's a given.
If she smokes in the house,
I want you to k*ll her.
- Got it.
- This is a huge help, Mom.
Thank you.
I love you guys.
- You too, sweetheart.
[door squeaks close]
Okay, Tom.
Let's get the f*ck out of here.
- Wait, what?
- It's bingo night
at the church.
- Oh, Grandma,
I'm not allowed to curse.
That's clearly in the rulebook.
- Tom, I'm making
all the rules now.
Grandma outranks Mom.
- Does it?
I don't wanna get in trouble.
- You're not gonna get
in trouble.
- Really?
- We could k*ll somebody
out there on Fifth Avenue,
and no one would believe
it was us.
- Why would we k*ll a guy
on Fifth Avenue?
- What is with you?
Why don't you wanna join me
in an evening of fun
and adventure?
- When you put it that way,
it actually sounds
pretty tempting.
- We need to have
some fun in our lives, Tom,
so let's buck up
and get ready to bronk.
- Welcome, folks.
It's bingo night.
Take your seats.
Our altar boy, Randy,
will be spinning
the wheel tonight.
- I wanna say up top,
if you lose,
please don't pray that I die.
- Why's he looking at me?
- Message received.
All right, let's have fun.
- Okay, let's get started.
N31.
- Grandma, you literally bought
100 cards.
- It increases my odds
of winning.
- Oh.
- When we win,
I need you to bark out "Bingo."
- I bark? What do you mean?
What does that mean?
- Like an animal.
- Oh.
- It's survival
of the fittest here.
- G62.
- G62?
Wait a second.
I think we might have it.
Is that bingo?
- Tom, bark it.
- We got bingo here.
- B4.
- I don't think he heard me.
- That is not a bark.
- Bingo.
- Bark!
- I'm barking it.
Bingo!
as*h*le, we got bingo.
[all gasp]
Sorry, I was told to bark.
I was told to bark
like a wild animal.
- Tom, we've got a problem.
- Problem?
Am I in trouble?
- I mean, a little bit, yeah.
- Oh, really?
I was told we could k*ll
a guy and get away with it.
- Yeah, I'm not sure
what that means.
But your grandmother
is ruining bingo.
- Ruining it?
No, she's doing great.
- Yeah, that's the problem.
Listen, just do me
a favor, okay?
Next time she wins,
don't say bingo.
- Don't say it?
Oh, no, I have to.
That's my job.
- No, no.
Pretend she lost
for the sake of the others.
- Oh, no,
this is getting weird.
- Guess what.
Priest outranks grandma.
So just do what I say.
- Priest outranks grandma?
- Yes.
- Oh, no.
She said, "I'm the top dog.
You do what I say."
- Your grandmother referred
to herself as the top dog?
- She did.
She says it all the time.
- Wow.
Well,
the top dog is ruining bingo.
How about that?
[door closes]
- O62.
Remember, this is fun.
We're being civilized.
O62.
- What's going on here?
We haven't won in nine games.
- And this is just a game.
B9.
This is just a game.
B9.
- This is ridiculous.
- I know.
I guess it's just
a losing streak.
Uh, one of those things,
you know?
- The numbers
just aren't going our way.
- You're not kidding.
- N22.
- Oh, would you look at that?
I won.
Bingo.
- Hector's grandma?
- Me, yes. Bingo.
- Please.
That b*tch can't play bingo
to save her life.
- Don't talk like that.
Please don't talk like that.
- Check her card!
- Uh, I actually think you won.
- No, no, mind
your own business.
- Look, right there.
You had bingo diagonally
from left to right.
- All right, sit down, please.
- Why didn't you call
bingo, Tom?
- I must've missed it.
There's so many cards.
- You didn't miss anything.
- Oh, come on.
That's in poor taste.
Where you going, Grandma?
Sit down.
- Now I've seen it all.
My own grandson f*cked me
at bingo.
[all gasp]
I'm out of here.
- Can you say "f*cked"
in church?
I can't imagine you can, right?
Hey, h*.
Tom's grandma's phone here.
- I'm calling
from inside the house.
- Wait, what?
- Just kidding. It's Mom.
- Oh, that's funny.
m*rder--m*rder joke.
- Yeah, m*rder joke.
How's it going, kid?
- Oh, we're having
a great weekend.
- Yeah?
Any activities?
- Yeah, we're just, uh,
goofing off.
- Goofing off?
What does this mean, like
- Why are you asking
so many questions?
- What is that, like, dancing,
or, like
- Yeah, telling stories,
baking.
I don't know.
We're doing things.
We're doing fun things.
- Well, I miss you.
I hope you're having
a great time.
- All right.
- Tell Grandma I say hi.
- I will.
- Bye.
- Great conversation.
Great conversation.
- Peace.
[line beeps]
- Hey, Grandma.
Listen, I'll have
two Pop-Tarts,
one frosted maple
- Sorry, as*h*le.
I flushed all your Pop-Tarts
down the toilet.
- Weird way to greet
the new day.
- Sorry.
- Is this about bingo?
- Yep.
- Listen, I'm sorry
I ruined your fun.
- Fun?
You think that I do this
for fun?
Lean in.
- Lean in?
Why?
No one else is here.
- I need that cash, Tom.
- Really?
- I've been borrowing money
from the dog charity I work at.
- Dog charity?
- And bingo is the only way
I can pay them back.
- You're stealing money
from a dog charity.
- Don't make it sound
so terrible.
I just took some of their money
and put it in my purse.
- Yes, that's theft.
That's stealing.
- Anyway, it wasn't a problem
until you came along,
so you need to fix this.
- Okay, all right.
Let me see what I can do.
And I just wanna say, Grandma,
other than all this theft
and cursing and stuff,
I'm having
a really fun weekend.
- I'm having
a fun time with you too.
- Tom, you look
abnormally pale.
- I know.
I got a crisis.
My grandmother's threatening
to kick my a*s.
- What'd you do?
- I lost her bingo money,
and now she can't repay
the dog charity
that she was embezzling from.
- So--okay, so
your grandmother's a criminal,
and now she's gonna kick
your a*s.
- Multiple problems.
- Oh, I got it, Tom.
- Yeah?
- Why don't you do
the walkathon?
- A walkathon?
The what?
- The school walkathon.
- What's that?
- People sponsor you,
and then the proceeds go
to the charity of your choice.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, that's perfect, man.
You can donate the money
in your grandmother's name.
- I mean, that would
definitely solve things,
but I'm not a big walker.
- You said it's a crisis.
You're not gonna make
an exception?
- It just sounds
like a lot of exertion.
Plus, my mom doesn't want me
leaving the house.
- Tom, I hate
to pull rank here,
but I say you need to do this.
'Cause, as you know,
bus driver outranks mom.
- Bus driver outranks mom?
No.
- Yes.
The traditional hierarchy goes,
bus driver, priest,
grandma, mom,
and then I think, uh,
garbage man.
- So my mom is just above
the garbage man.
- That's right--
or recycling guy.
I can't remember
which is which.
- Okay, kids,
the big day is here,
and we will start
at the school,
and for every lap
you go around the town,
your sponsors will donate $5.
So make sure you--
- Oh, wait, hold on.
Uh, Coach?
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry,
did you say "town"?
- Yes, Tom.
It's laps around the town.
It's a walkathon.
- Oh.
- Tom, what did you think
that we were doing?
- Oh, I thought we were doing
laps around the gym.
- The gym?
That would take, like,
two seconds.
- That's why
it appealed to me, yeah.
- Wow.
- All right, everybody,
so on that note,
let the walking begin.
- All right, everybody.
Walk.
- Oh, no, you know what?
I'm cramping up.
I'll catch up in a bit.
- Tom, you haven't gone
anywhere yet.
- I know. It's just cramps--
walking cramps.
- Can you just try
to catch up, please?
- All right, I'll see you
in a bit.
Oh, man, I shouldn't have worn
these loafers.
- Why're you wearing loafers?
- I don't know
if I should dress
for the walkathon
or the afterparty.
This is a disaster.
All these people
sponsored me.
- Tom, no one cares
about the actual walking.
It's a symbolic "gesture."
- No one cares
about the walking?
- No!
People just wanna donate money
so they can feel good.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
So, I mean,
let's just put you down
for 25 laps and get out
of here.
- Wait, we can just do that?
- No, Tom, not we.
I.
I'm the starter.
In the hierarchy,
starter is above gym teacher.
- Oh, really?
In society,
starter is above most parents.
- Starter is above everything.
The Bible opens
with the starter.
I can do whatever I want.
- Come on, kids.
- You got this!
- Let's go!
- Wait a minute.
Where's Tom?
- Keep going!
- Let's go.
Come on, guys.
- Where the f*ck
is my grandson?
Tom, where are you?
[video game beeping]
- This is living:
laying down on a rug,
moving my thumbs.
- You stink at video games,
but at least it's relaxing.
- I don't even care.
You can chop my head off.
You can stab me in the neck.
- And I will do that.
- Oh, this is fun.
No loafers, no walking,
no people shoving Gatorade
in your face.
I love this.
[applause]
- Thanks for coming out,
everybody.
We raised lots of money
for charity,
so that's great, and we have
some oversized checks
to hand out.
So first up is Dakota,
who did two laps
and raised $3,000
for Meals on Wheels.
Come on up here, Dakota.
- Let's do it, Dakota!
- Next is Randy,
who did three laps
and raised $4,000
for Landscapers
Without Borders.
- Whoo, that a boy, Randy!
- And next--well, it's actually
a very remarkable story.
Tom somehow walked 25 laps
around the town
and raised $10,000
for his charity for dogs.
- Tom, thank you.
Thank you so much.
- This breaks
the all-time record
previously held
by Dakota's brother, Dylan.
- What?
Ugh, f*ck my charity.
f*cking out of here.
f*cking Red Cross bullshit.
[door slams]
- He'll be fine.
Takes after his mother.
- Anyway, let's hear it
for Tom, everybody.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm so happy
I could walk the laps.
- No.
No, no, no.
- Wait, what?
- Stop the presses.
- What's happening?
- This kid did not walk
25 laps.
- Oh, no, I walked
more or less 25.
- No, you didn't.
I know this
'cause I saw him walking
to Nelson's house
wearing some,
like, hideous loafers.
[crowd gasps]
- No, no.
- I did too.
He was skipping
and saying, "This is
the greatest day of my life.
I don't have to walk,
and I'm making some bread."
- Skipping?
No, I don't skip.
- Well, Tom, it seems true,
and we have multiple witnesses.
This is highly unusual,
but Tom's charity
actually owes us money.
- What are you talking about?
- It's in the agreement
right here.
Read this.
- "If student fails
to walk any laps,
"the charity is liable
to reimburse
"the school system
for Gatorade,
"ribbons, oversized checks,
and administrative fees."
- We don't have any money!
We have dogs that slobber.
- It's an agreement.
So just make the check out
to Shady Oaks
Elementary School.
- Whew.
How was the weekend
with Grandma?
- Oh, we had so much fun.
- Aww.
- We went to church.
We prayed.
We did some charity work.
- Wow.
Well, I had fun too.
- That's good.
- Let's relax now.
- All right.
[sad music playing on TV]
- If you love dogs,
we need your help
because this little as*h*le
ruined our finances.
You know what?
I don't know whether or not
we're allowed to say "as*h*le"
on a PSA.
Probably not.
But it's the only word
that comes to mind.
- Let's turn this off.
- Tom!
What happened?
- It's a long story.
I was involved
in a charity walkathon.
I told them I did 25 laps.
In reality, I did zero,
and now everyone's
in a big hullaballoo.
- Ugh.
On one hand, I find it funny
that you caused a hullaballoo,
but as your mom,
I'm gonna have
to discipline you, dude.
- No, I've suffered enough.
- You're gonna have to walk
those laps out of honor.
- I'm not a big exercise guy.
- Tom!
I'm your mother.
You gotta listen to me.
- Do I have to listen, though?
I mean,
from what I'm told,
priest, grandma,
and bus driver all outrank you.
- What?
- That's what I'm being told.
- Tom, you're gonna walk
those laps,
you're gonna make sure everyone
in town knows about it,
and you're gonna restore
our family's good name.
- I'll walk, but you realize
we don't have a good name,
right?
- Folks, we're here
with a feel-good story
about a local boy
who has vowed to walk
25 laps around the town
for his favorite dog charity.
So let's listen in.
- Hi, folks.
Anyone who knows me
knows two things:
I love cute dogs
and walking long distances.
So I plan to complete
these 25 laps,
even if it takes me all night,
and I'm gonna do it
with several
of these cute little guys
by my side.
Isn't that right?
Here, lick Tom's face.
Oh, look at that.
- Aww, so cute.
- Aww.
- Oh.
- Here, get in tight
for the licking.
- Oh, that's cute.
That's wholesome stuff
right there.
- Hey, hold up.
Hold up, Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- What's going on here?
- Great news: I decided to walk
the 25 laps after all
with the dogs,
me and the dogs.
- Are you kidding me?
25 laps will k*ll
these f*ck.
- k*ll them?
Wait, what?
- This charity's
for senior dogs
with congenital heart disease.
- Oh, wait, what's what
the charity does,
you're saying?
- Yeah, that's what
"the charity" is, Tom.
- Did you even read
the brochure?
- I honestly didn't have time.
Can we cut the cameras
at this point?
Camera guy, please.
- You don't talk to Henry.
- Henry, please, come on.
- How did you get the dogs?
- How did I get them?
My grandma has the key
to the building.
- Wait.
Did that kid steal my keys?
- Grandma, you clearly gave me
the keys.
- Unbelievable.
- Come on, Grandma,
this is in poor taste.
- So you stole a group
of elderly dogs,
and then you were going
to march them to their deaths?
- All right, so I guess
I don't come across
looking great, but, uh,
just to be clear,
no one's expecting me
to walk at this point, right?
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
And patterns
to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
If ever there's a drought,
I've listed the puddles - Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanation ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
♪
- Hey, Randy?
- Mm-hmm.
- Can I ask you a quick favor?
- Yeah, what's up?
- Do you think you could throw
some kind of shawl
or a tarp over your midsection?
- Wait, w--
- Over your crotch and lap?
- You want me to put
a shawl on my crotch?
- Listen, your jeans have
a lot of rips, like a
- Thank you.
- Crazy amount of rips.
- Thank you.
- From certain angles
- Mm-hmm.
- I can see your wiener.
- Oh, yeah, I guess you can.
- If you got a problem
with the rips,
don't take a glance.
- Just cover it up.
- That is your hangup, man.
- I'm telling you to cover up
your p*nis,
and you're saying
it's my hangup?
- Tom, that's the style.
- So you're not
gonna cover up?
- No.
Are you gonna
put rips in your pants?
- Just gonna walk around school
with your wiener
flopping around
like everything's fine?
- Sounds
like you're jealous, Tom.
- I'm jealous of Randy?
- Randy is a very cool dresser.
- No, I mean,
I'm a cool dresser, too, so
- Oh, no.
- What?
- You wear the same blue shirt
every day.
- This shirt?
No, I've never worn
this shirt before.
- Well
- You guys
don't even know fashion.
Tell 'em, Nelson.
I'm a cool dresser, right?
- Sure, you definitely have
clothes on your body.
- Sounds like a compliment.
Guys, I'm obviously
well dressed.
This is my party shirt.
- Wait.
That's your party shirt?
- This is my party shirt
when I'm in a good mood.
- Tom, that's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.
- Hi, kids.
Uh, this is serious,
so sit down.
I've been getting complaints
about inappropriate clothing
at school.
- Wait, what?
- Who complained?
- Complaints?
- Look at this!
Vulgar T-shirts?
Age-inappropriate skirts.
And ripped jeans?
I don't need to see
your junk, Randy.
Hey, by show of hands,
how many people
wanna see Randy's junk?
Not one hand.
- It's called
a silent majority,
and that's
what's happening here.
- And it's gotta end,
so I've no choice
but to implement
school uniforms.
- That's actually a good idea.
- Uniforms?
- Can he do this?
- We can't--
what are we, prisoners?
- Now, I'm sure a lot
of you people notice
that I'm a very sharp dresser,
but I think Mr. B.
is the most stylish,
so I asked him to come up
with the design.
- Hello, kids.
As you may know,
we live in a suburban wasteland
with no sense of style
or class.
- Okay, Mr. B.,
let's keep it positive.
- My challenge was to create
a look that is bland
and unflattering,
so I looked around
for inspiration,
and look what I came up with.
- No. No!
- Oh, what?
- Oh, no.
- Help!
- It's like a sick joke.
- What's happening?
- What's happening?
It's a look that screams,
"I've given up on life,
and life has given up on me."
- No.
Mr. B., can I weigh in?
Do you want my two cents?
- Not really, no.
- With all due respect,
that's copyright infringement.
I'll sue you.
- Um, Tom,
you're not suing anyone.
- You can't do this.
- No one can own
the combo of a blue shirt
with tan slacks.
- Oh, no, I'm known for it.
- Numbskulls
all across the planet wear it.
- He's clearly drunk.
He's clearly been drinking.
- Tom, I'm afraid
this is happening,
so, kids, pick up
your uniforms.
From now on, you wear them
every day.
That's it.
- You gotta admit,
the fabric is exquisite.
- Tom, how do you go
through life like this?
It's so depressing.
- You don't like
the way you look?
- I would rather my parents
tell me
they're getting divorced
every day
than wear this shirt.
- Stop.
That's insulting.
- This backpack is giving me
a serious case of wall a*s.
- You don't like it?
- Pushes down on my butt.
Looks like I have nothing.
- I don't like this at all.
We about to shut this down.
- There's gonna be
a school walkout at noon.
- You're gonna walk
out of school?
- The entire school's
walking out.
- You're gonna walk out
'cause you look like Tom.
- It's a crime
against humanity.
Tom, there's no other way
to put it.
- You're overreacting.
- No one wants to look
like you, dude.
You look like a bland piece
of poo-poo, bro.
- I look like a bland piece
of poo-poo?
- You look like poo-poo
that's bland as sh*t.
- Mom, can I ask you
a question?
- Yeah, sh**t.
- Do I look like a bland piece
of poo-poo?
- No.
- No?
- No, why--
- Oh, really?
- Why are you asking me that?
- I'm just getting some
harsh critiques on my look.
These uniforms are not
going over well.
- Tom, you should be flattered.
- Flattered?
- They want everyone at school
to look like you
because you're so handsome.
- No, this is punishment.
Mr. B. pointed that out.
- No, my boy's handsome.
- Tom, you know
what your problem is?
- No, you don't need
to weigh in, Grandma.
- You don't tuck in your shirt.
- Eh, that's not my thing.
- Well, you better tuck it in,
because I wanna see
what it looks like.
- Let it go.
- I'm not gonna leave
until you do it.
- Relax.
Take a nap.
- Take a nap?
- I don't wanna.
- Take a slap.
- Why are you standing up?
- Because
I'm gonna do it for you.
- Oh, no, please.
- Hold still.
- Oh, no.
- Gonna tuck you in.
- Nobody's gonna stop this.
- Oh, hold still.
- Oh, no, please, Grandma.
- [gasps]
- Oh, wow.
- Good?
- I mean, that actually made
a big difference.
- Really?
- You don't believe me?
We're gonna call
your Uncle Bill.
- Come on, he doesn't know
what he's talking about.
- Hey-hey-hey-hey!
- Hi, Bill.
Listen, Tom tucked in
his shirt.
Tell us what you think.
- My God.
Tommy, you look fantastic.
- Really?
- You look like a model.
- Because I tucked my shirt in?
- It's night and day, Tommy.
Night and day.
- Come on.
- I agree with him.
Something magical happened
when you tucked that shirt in.
- I look that good.
- Look, you're a kid who comes
from a long line of disgusting,
very gross slobs.
- Yeah.
- If you have a chance
to become a model,
you have to go for it!
- That was very inspiring,
actually.
All right, let's try it.
- Hey, hey.
All right, welcome to Triple M,
Male Model Management.
I'm Dino.
What can I do for you guys?
- Thanks for seeing us.
My son is
abnormally good-looking,
and he's considering
doing some modeling.
- Love to meet him.
You bring him in sometime.
Be great.
- Oh, no, it's--it's me.
I'm the--I'm the male model.
- You're the good l--
you're good-looking?
- That's the word
on the street.
My grandma seems to think--
- Listen.
I'ma give you
my professional opinion,
okay, and it's free.
This is a free opinion,
all right?
- Great.
- Hair: terrible.
- That's fair.
- Nose: hideous.
- I can see that.
- Torso: misshapen.
- Not positive feedback, is it?
- Listen, the world
of modeling, son,
it is a cutthroat business
of beautiful people.
It's not for you.
- Yeah, the more we talk
it through, this does seem--
- You agree.
- It seems hasty
that we came into the city.
- Fantastic.
I mean, I feel good about this.
- This is good
constructive criticism.
I'll go work on my nose
and mouth and hair.
- Take care.
Thanks for coming in.
Actually, stop right there.
- Who, me?
- Your rear end is exquisite.
- Really?
- It is perfectly proportioned.
Can I just have one--
can I get closer?
- No, that seems
a little weird.
- No, that's okay, Tom.
Get in there.
- Okay, the cheeks--
they're perfectly balanced.
- Really.
- The pants seem to hang
at such a perfect angle.
- That's what my grandma said.
- Okay, listen, I think
I can probably get you
catalog work.
- Wow, this is great!
- Kids' clothes: chinos
- Really?
- Khakis, chaps.
Have you ever worn
a pair of chaps?
- That's amazing.
You're saying I could be
a model?
- A butt model.
- But I'd be a model.
- Again, a butt model.
Your face would never
actually appear.
- It's fine.
- Okay, so what's happening?
You wanna sign Tom?
- Absolutely.
- This is amazing.
- And listen, I'm gonna have
a launch party this Friday
at my loft.
- Yeah.
- I'd love you to swing by
and show off the goods.
[light glitzy music]
- Excuse me.
- Yeah?
- Didn't I see your rear end
in the new L.L. Bean catalog?
- Yeah, wearing the chinos?
- I mean, that tuchus
is just
- I get that a lot.
- Those are on me, little man.
- Wait, why?
- Nah, you famous, dude.
- Really?
- I saw your tush
in the new H&M catalog. Sweet.
- A little creepy,
but thank you.
♪
- Hey, guys, check it out.
- What?
- That's me on the billboard.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
- That's my rear end
in the corduroys up there.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down.
- Wait, I'm confused.
- I got signed
with a modeling agency.
- Tom, you're telling us
you're a model?
- I am a working model, yes.
- Oh, they're paying you
to model?
- I told you. I told you
I'm a well-dressed guy,
and people like the way
clothes look on my body.
- [laughs] Have we entered
a parallel universe?
- No, I'm afraid not.
Listen, I gotta--I gotta run.
Um, I'm having a party
at my agent's loft.
- What?
You have an agent,
and they have a loft?
- Yeah.
- Why wasn't I included
in this deal?
- That's the mod--
these are my modeling friends.
It's a whole other world.
- Tom--
- Why don't you swing by?
- Swing by?
- Yeah, I guess we'll--
we can "swing by"
your agent's loft.
- Tom, who are you?
- A good-looking dude
getting off a bus.
- Hey, everybody, can you
kind of gather round here?
Let's welcome the number-one
male youth rear end model
in the Northeast region, Tom.
- Listen, guys,
I just wanna thank everyone.
Seems like just yesterday,
I wasn't even tucking in
my shirts.
Now I'm the number-one
male youth rear end model.
- That's my son right there.
- I wanna thank my agent, Dino,
who looked at my tush
and said, "I like what I see."
- Well, no, I didn't--
that's not exactly how it
- Anyway
- Went down, every--
- Love you guys.
Thank you so much.
- [laughs]
Let's hear it for him.
- [sighs] Things are happening
so fast, Tom.
This is exciting!
- I know.
If my rear end keeps looking
this good,
the sky's the limit.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry, guys.
We've got a dress code.
- Oh, we came
straight from school.
We're on the list.
- Yeah, it doesn't matter.
The invite said smart casual.
You guys look
like f*cking idiots.
- But we're dressed
like the host of the party.
- That's dumb casual.
You look like a moron.
- What?
- Oh, hey, there he is.
Hey, Tom, get over here!
- Oh, hey, guys.
Glad you made it.
- Tell these guys
that we're smart casual.
- Oh, you know,
that's gonna be a--
that's gonna be a problem.
I don't think
we can let you in.
- What?
- What?
- Can't let you in
wearing this.
What is this?
- This is literally your shirt.
- You wore backpacks
to a loft party?
Who does that?
- Tom, you invited us
when we were wearing this.
- I'm sorry, I--
- This is very disruptive, Tom.
I think you need
to make a decision here:
your new modeling friends
or your poorly dressed friends.
- This is a tough decision.
- It is?
- You know what?
Don't even answer the question.
We're done with you, Tom.
- Wait, what?
No, no, come on.
- You've changed.
- Don't be mad at me
'cause I'm
a really good-looking guy
and clothes look exquisite
on my physique.
- Wow, you have changed.
The minute you started using
the word "physique,"
I'm out of here.
- Have a nice life.
- You just have
a different vibe than they do.
- Hey, Ma, no one
wants to play with me,
so I'm just gonna walk
around the neighborhood
and look at my billboards.
- Okay, Tom.
You have fun.
[ice cream jingle playing]
- Hey, little man.
- Oh, hey, ice cream man.
- You look depressed.
- Yeah, you're right.
I'm starting to feel
like I made
a terrible mistake.
Everyone's calling me a d*uche.
- Tell me your troubles.
- You wanna hear it?
- No, but I'll listen.
- All right.
Um
they introduced
school uniforms
- Ugh.
- They made me question
my appearance
- Tom.
- I got into male modeling
- Pssh.
- One thing led to another,
and now I don't have
any friends.
- Tom, clothes
do not make the man.
- No, I'm told
they're pretty important,
that everyone cares
how you look.
- Look at me.
- Yeah?
I wear a Hawaiian shirt,
filthy cargo shorts,
and an ice cream man's cap.
- It is a silly look.
- I am perfectly happy.
- Even though you look
terrible.
- That's the lesson.
You need to renounce
this world of vanity
and fashion.
- What can I do?
I mean
- You need to take off
this uniform
and go streaking.
- Streaking?
What's that?
- It's running around
with your shvanz
flopping around.
- This is your advice.
- Uh-huh.
- That's what activism
is all about.
- Oh.
- It's getting in trouble
to make your point.
- That's actually brilliant.
- Mm-hmm.
- Now I see
why you're so successful.
- Yeah, well, if anyone
questions you,
you just say,
"My ice cream man
advised me to do it."
- Can't imagine that carries
as much weight
as you think it does.
- That's it, y'all!
Kick the ball.
Nice!
Nice. Left flank.
Left flank!
Protect the goal!
Yes.
- Oh, my God, is Tom
running onto the field naked?
- Hey, everyone, look at me.
- Oh, God.
- Oh!
- Stop.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Stop this, please!
- Why?
- Tom, what are you doing?
- Check it out.
- Kids, turn away.
- Make it stop!
- I'm on it.
- Nelson, get away.
- Come here.
- Stop.
- Kids, what don't you
understand?
Don't look at his p*nis
or his rear end.
- Agh!
- Get off!
- Relax.
It's me.
It's Nelson.
Down, boy.
- Get him off.
Get him off.
- Oh, whose wiener
are we seeing now?
- I know, it's an ironic turn
of events.
- Tom, what the hell
was all that?
- I'm sorry.
I just wanted to, uh,
protest the school uniforms.
I believe they place
too much importance
on appearance,
and I believe--
- What school uniforms?
We scrapped that idea.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, I was getting
death threats
since no one wanted
to look like you.
- Oh.
So this was--
this whole thing
was unnecessary?
- Yes, Tom,
completely unnecessary.
Yeah, and you're
in a lot of trouble.
- Me?
Oh, no, no.
My ice cream man
put me up to this.
It was all--
it was the ice cream man.
- Well, I don't know what to do
with that information, Tom.
- Well, I guess we all learned
a lesson here.
- What was that, Tom?
- Never tuck in your shirt.
Never ends well.
- That's what you got
out of this?
[upbeat dance music]
♪
- All right, Tom,
I'm taking off.
Have fun with Grandma, okay?
- All right, have fun
with whatever weird stuff
you're doing.
- Thanks, but I'm gonna need
you to remember the rules.
- Oh, no, is this
about last time?
- No leaving the house.
- Come on, Grandma was drunk.
It won't happen again.
- No blankets.
- No blankets?
- No pillowcases.
- Wait, what?
- No touching the lamps.
- Even if it's dark,
we can't touch the lamps.
- These are the rules.
- All right.
Safe to assume Grandma
can't smoke in the house?
- That's a given.
If she smokes in the house,
I want you to k*ll her.
- Got it.
- This is a huge help, Mom.
Thank you.
I love you guys.
- You too, sweetheart.
[door squeaks close]
Okay, Tom.
Let's get the f*ck out of here.
- Wait, what?
- It's bingo night
at the church.
- Oh, Grandma,
I'm not allowed to curse.
That's clearly in the rulebook.
- Tom, I'm making
all the rules now.
Grandma outranks Mom.
- Does it?
I don't wanna get in trouble.
- You're not gonna get
in trouble.
- Really?
- We could k*ll somebody
out there on Fifth Avenue,
and no one would believe
it was us.
- Why would we k*ll a guy
on Fifth Avenue?
- What is with you?
Why don't you wanna join me
in an evening of fun
and adventure?
- When you put it that way,
it actually sounds
pretty tempting.
- We need to have
some fun in our lives, Tom,
so let's buck up
and get ready to bronk.
- Welcome, folks.
It's bingo night.
Take your seats.
Our altar boy, Randy,
will be spinning
the wheel tonight.
- I wanna say up top,
if you lose,
please don't pray that I die.
- Why's he looking at me?
- Message received.
All right, let's have fun.
- Okay, let's get started.
N31.
- Grandma, you literally bought
100 cards.
- It increases my odds
of winning.
- Oh.
- When we win,
I need you to bark out "Bingo."
- I bark? What do you mean?
What does that mean?
- Like an animal.
- Oh.
- It's survival
of the fittest here.
- G62.
- G62?
Wait a second.
I think we might have it.
Is that bingo?
- Tom, bark it.
- We got bingo here.
- B4.
- I don't think he heard me.
- That is not a bark.
- Bingo.
- Bark!
- I'm barking it.
Bingo!
as*h*le, we got bingo.
[all gasp]
Sorry, I was told to bark.
I was told to bark
like a wild animal.
- Tom, we've got a problem.
- Problem?
Am I in trouble?
- I mean, a little bit, yeah.
- Oh, really?
I was told we could k*ll
a guy and get away with it.
- Yeah, I'm not sure
what that means.
But your grandmother
is ruining bingo.
- Ruining it?
No, she's doing great.
- Yeah, that's the problem.
Listen, just do me
a favor, okay?
Next time she wins,
don't say bingo.
- Don't say it?
Oh, no, I have to.
That's my job.
- No, no.
Pretend she lost
for the sake of the others.
- Oh, no,
this is getting weird.
- Guess what.
Priest outranks grandma.
So just do what I say.
- Priest outranks grandma?
- Yes.
- Oh, no.
She said, "I'm the top dog.
You do what I say."
- Your grandmother referred
to herself as the top dog?
- She did.
She says it all the time.
- Wow.
Well,
the top dog is ruining bingo.
How about that?
[door closes]
- O62.
Remember, this is fun.
We're being civilized.
O62.
- What's going on here?
We haven't won in nine games.
- And this is just a game.
B9.
This is just a game.
B9.
- This is ridiculous.
- I know.
I guess it's just
a losing streak.
Uh, one of those things,
you know?
- The numbers
just aren't going our way.
- You're not kidding.
- N22.
- Oh, would you look at that?
I won.
Bingo.
- Hector's grandma?
- Me, yes. Bingo.
- Please.
That b*tch can't play bingo
to save her life.
- Don't talk like that.
Please don't talk like that.
- Check her card!
- Uh, I actually think you won.
- No, no, mind
your own business.
- Look, right there.
You had bingo diagonally
from left to right.
- All right, sit down, please.
- Why didn't you call
bingo, Tom?
- I must've missed it.
There's so many cards.
- You didn't miss anything.
- Oh, come on.
That's in poor taste.
Where you going, Grandma?
Sit down.
- Now I've seen it all.
My own grandson f*cked me
at bingo.
[all gasp]
I'm out of here.
- Can you say "f*cked"
in church?
I can't imagine you can, right?
Hey, h*.
Tom's grandma's phone here.
- I'm calling
from inside the house.
- Wait, what?
- Just kidding. It's Mom.
- Oh, that's funny.
m*rder--m*rder joke.
- Yeah, m*rder joke.
How's it going, kid?
- Oh, we're having
a great weekend.
- Yeah?
Any activities?
- Yeah, we're just, uh,
goofing off.
- Goofing off?
What does this mean, like
- Why are you asking
so many questions?
- What is that, like, dancing,
or, like
- Yeah, telling stories,
baking.
I don't know.
We're doing things.
We're doing fun things.
- Well, I miss you.
I hope you're having
a great time.
- All right.
- Tell Grandma I say hi.
- I will.
- Bye.
- Great conversation.
Great conversation.
- Peace.
[line beeps]
- Hey, Grandma.
Listen, I'll have
two Pop-Tarts,
one frosted maple
- Sorry, as*h*le.
I flushed all your Pop-Tarts
down the toilet.
- Weird way to greet
the new day.
- Sorry.
- Is this about bingo?
- Yep.
- Listen, I'm sorry
I ruined your fun.
- Fun?
You think that I do this
for fun?
Lean in.
- Lean in?
Why?
No one else is here.
- I need that cash, Tom.
- Really?
- I've been borrowing money
from the dog charity I work at.
- Dog charity?
- And bingo is the only way
I can pay them back.
- You're stealing money
from a dog charity.
- Don't make it sound
so terrible.
I just took some of their money
and put it in my purse.
- Yes, that's theft.
That's stealing.
- Anyway, it wasn't a problem
until you came along,
so you need to fix this.
- Okay, all right.
Let me see what I can do.
And I just wanna say, Grandma,
other than all this theft
and cursing and stuff,
I'm having
a really fun weekend.
- I'm having
a fun time with you too.
- Tom, you look
abnormally pale.
- I know.
I got a crisis.
My grandmother's threatening
to kick my a*s.
- What'd you do?
- I lost her bingo money,
and now she can't repay
the dog charity
that she was embezzling from.
- So--okay, so
your grandmother's a criminal,
and now she's gonna kick
your a*s.
- Multiple problems.
- Oh, I got it, Tom.
- Yeah?
- Why don't you do
the walkathon?
- A walkathon?
The what?
- The school walkathon.
- What's that?
- People sponsor you,
and then the proceeds go
to the charity of your choice.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, that's perfect, man.
You can donate the money
in your grandmother's name.
- I mean, that would
definitely solve things,
but I'm not a big walker.
- You said it's a crisis.
You're not gonna make
an exception?
- It just sounds
like a lot of exertion.
Plus, my mom doesn't want me
leaving the house.
- Tom, I hate
to pull rank here,
but I say you need to do this.
'Cause, as you know,
bus driver outranks mom.
- Bus driver outranks mom?
No.
- Yes.
The traditional hierarchy goes,
bus driver, priest,
grandma, mom,
and then I think, uh,
garbage man.
- So my mom is just above
the garbage man.
- That's right--
or recycling guy.
I can't remember
which is which.
- Okay, kids,
the big day is here,
and we will start
at the school,
and for every lap
you go around the town,
your sponsors will donate $5.
So make sure you--
- Oh, wait, hold on.
Uh, Coach?
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry,
did you say "town"?
- Yes, Tom.
It's laps around the town.
It's a walkathon.
- Oh.
- Tom, what did you think
that we were doing?
- Oh, I thought we were doing
laps around the gym.
- The gym?
That would take, like,
two seconds.
- That's why
it appealed to me, yeah.
- Wow.
- All right, everybody,
so on that note,
let the walking begin.
- All right, everybody.
Walk.
- Oh, no, you know what?
I'm cramping up.
I'll catch up in a bit.
- Tom, you haven't gone
anywhere yet.
- I know. It's just cramps--
walking cramps.
- Can you just try
to catch up, please?
- All right, I'll see you
in a bit.
Oh, man, I shouldn't have worn
these loafers.
- Why're you wearing loafers?
- I don't know
if I should dress
for the walkathon
or the afterparty.
This is a disaster.
All these people
sponsored me.
- Tom, no one cares
about the actual walking.
It's a symbolic "gesture."
- No one cares
about the walking?
- No!
People just wanna donate money
so they can feel good.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
So, I mean,
let's just put you down
for 25 laps and get out
of here.
- Wait, we can just do that?
- No, Tom, not we.
I.
I'm the starter.
In the hierarchy,
starter is above gym teacher.
- Oh, really?
In society,
starter is above most parents.
- Starter is above everything.
The Bible opens
with the starter.
I can do whatever I want.
- Come on, kids.
- You got this!
- Let's go!
- Wait a minute.
Where's Tom?
- Keep going!
- Let's go.
Come on, guys.
- Where the f*ck
is my grandson?
Tom, where are you?
[video game beeping]
- This is living:
laying down on a rug,
moving my thumbs.
- You stink at video games,
but at least it's relaxing.
- I don't even care.
You can chop my head off.
You can stab me in the neck.
- And I will do that.
- Oh, this is fun.
No loafers, no walking,
no people shoving Gatorade
in your face.
I love this.
[applause]
- Thanks for coming out,
everybody.
We raised lots of money
for charity,
so that's great, and we have
some oversized checks
to hand out.
So first up is Dakota,
who did two laps
and raised $3,000
for Meals on Wheels.
Come on up here, Dakota.
- Let's do it, Dakota!
- Next is Randy,
who did three laps
and raised $4,000
for Landscapers
Without Borders.
- Whoo, that a boy, Randy!
- And next--well, it's actually
a very remarkable story.
Tom somehow walked 25 laps
around the town
and raised $10,000
for his charity for dogs.
- Tom, thank you.
Thank you so much.
- This breaks
the all-time record
previously held
by Dakota's brother, Dylan.
- What?
Ugh, f*ck my charity.
f*cking out of here.
f*cking Red Cross bullshit.
[door slams]
- He'll be fine.
Takes after his mother.
- Anyway, let's hear it
for Tom, everybody.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm so happy
I could walk the laps.
- No.
No, no, no.
- Wait, what?
- Stop the presses.
- What's happening?
- This kid did not walk
25 laps.
- Oh, no, I walked
more or less 25.
- No, you didn't.
I know this
'cause I saw him walking
to Nelson's house
wearing some,
like, hideous loafers.
[crowd gasps]
- No, no.
- I did too.
He was skipping
and saying, "This is
the greatest day of my life.
I don't have to walk,
and I'm making some bread."
- Skipping?
No, I don't skip.
- Well, Tom, it seems true,
and we have multiple witnesses.
This is highly unusual,
but Tom's charity
actually owes us money.
- What are you talking about?
- It's in the agreement
right here.
Read this.
- "If student fails
to walk any laps,
"the charity is liable
to reimburse
"the school system
for Gatorade,
"ribbons, oversized checks,
and administrative fees."
- We don't have any money!
We have dogs that slobber.
- It's an agreement.
So just make the check out
to Shady Oaks
Elementary School.
- Whew.
How was the weekend
with Grandma?
- Oh, we had so much fun.
- Aww.
- We went to church.
We prayed.
We did some charity work.
- Wow.
Well, I had fun too.
- That's good.
- Let's relax now.
- All right.
[sad music playing on TV]
- If you love dogs,
we need your help
because this little as*h*le
ruined our finances.
You know what?
I don't know whether or not
we're allowed to say "as*h*le"
on a PSA.
Probably not.
But it's the only word
that comes to mind.
- Let's turn this off.
- Tom!
What happened?
- It's a long story.
I was involved
in a charity walkathon.
I told them I did 25 laps.
In reality, I did zero,
and now everyone's
in a big hullaballoo.
- Ugh.
On one hand, I find it funny
that you caused a hullaballoo,
but as your mom,
I'm gonna have
to discipline you, dude.
- No, I've suffered enough.
- You're gonna have to walk
those laps out of honor.
- I'm not a big exercise guy.
- Tom!
I'm your mother.
You gotta listen to me.
- Do I have to listen, though?
I mean,
from what I'm told,
priest, grandma,
and bus driver all outrank you.
- What?
- That's what I'm being told.
- Tom, you're gonna walk
those laps,
you're gonna make sure everyone
in town knows about it,
and you're gonna restore
our family's good name.
- I'll walk, but you realize
we don't have a good name,
right?
- Folks, we're here
with a feel-good story
about a local boy
who has vowed to walk
25 laps around the town
for his favorite dog charity.
So let's listen in.
- Hi, folks.
Anyone who knows me
knows two things:
I love cute dogs
and walking long distances.
So I plan to complete
these 25 laps,
even if it takes me all night,
and I'm gonna do it
with several
of these cute little guys
by my side.
Isn't that right?
Here, lick Tom's face.
Oh, look at that.
- Aww, so cute.
- Aww.
- Oh.
- Here, get in tight
for the licking.
- Oh, that's cute.
That's wholesome stuff
right there.
- Hey, hold up.
Hold up, Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- What's going on here?
- Great news: I decided to walk
the 25 laps after all
with the dogs,
me and the dogs.
- Are you kidding me?
25 laps will k*ll
these f*ck.
- k*ll them?
Wait, what?
- This charity's
for senior dogs
with congenital heart disease.
- Oh, wait, what's what
the charity does,
you're saying?
- Yeah, that's what
"the charity" is, Tom.
- Did you even read
the brochure?
- I honestly didn't have time.
Can we cut the cameras
at this point?
Camera guy, please.
- You don't talk to Henry.
- Henry, please, come on.
- How did you get the dogs?
- How did I get them?
My grandma has the key
to the building.
- Wait.
Did that kid steal my keys?
- Grandma, you clearly gave me
the keys.
- Unbelievable.
- Come on, Grandma,
this is in poor taste.
- So you stole a group
of elderly dogs,
and then you were going
to march them to their deaths?
- All right, so I guess
I don't come across
looking great, but, uh,
just to be clear,
no one's expecting me
to walk at this point, right?
- ♪ Remember
there's more road ♪
♪ And places to go ♪
♪ And patterns
to contemplate ♪
♪ More people to fornicate ♪
♪ And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
♪ Supplying the proof ♪
♪ That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
♪ Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
♪ Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
♪ Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
♪ The sweet silver lining ♪
♪ Through you she lives on ♪
♪ And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
♪ Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
♪ If ever there's a drought,
I've listed the puddles ♪
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02x09 - Tom Tucks in His Shirt/Bingo with Grandma
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An average ten-year-old kid must contend with the well-meaning but questionable guidance of the adults around him.
An average ten-year-old kid must contend with the well-meaning but questionable guidance of the adults around him.