01x02 - First Date with the Second Coming

[bunniefuu]

[ Baby crying ]

- ♪ I'm not as crazy
as I used to be ♪

♪ Some of my devils
up and left me free ♪

♪ To find a quiet space

♪ I'm not as out of place

♪ And I'm coming home again

♪ It's been too long a time ♪

♪ Gettin' back what's mine

♪ And I can't remember
why I went away ♪

♪ But it's looking now
like maybe I can stay ♪

Was that any good?

[ Electronic tones warble ]

- I've been streaming
some examples

of how moms connect
with their daughters.

Seems like we're
supposed to binge-eat

while talking about
disappointment.

Mm? You go fir...

- [ Foreign accent
] Hey! Trophy!

Get to work, you
spoiled potato couch!

We funeral home, not
cruise ship deck!

- I am at work... being a
stay-at-home mom to Annie.

- Hey! Motherhood
curse, not job.

- We are working on our
mother-daughter bond, Baba.

We can't just expect
her to suddenly know

how to make hot cocoa
or listen when I talk.

- It'll free up a lot of
my emotional bandwidth

when my spray-tan membership
expires next month.

- Look! I give ultimatum
my baba gave me...

Work for family funeral home,

get job in village,
or marry brother.

- You picked
funeral home, right?

- I don't remember.
My baba chose for me.

- Hey, sis! You know
I'm game for whatevs,

but I picked "work for
family funeral home."

I was born with
resting-grief-face,

I get to work with my mom,

and touching corpses
doesn't bother me.

In fact, I prefer it!

- I'll get a job.

♪♪

- You're not remotely
qualified for these positions.

Architect?
Gastrointestinal surgeon?

Female Ghostbuster?

You're a high school-dropout.

- With escort experience.

- Under "employment history"
you've just listed movies

you've seen in the theater.

You saw "Homeward Bound" twice?

- The dogs and cats talk in it.
[ Device chimes ]

- The app requires a
Florida thumbprint?

- Ugh.

There we are.

[ Device chirps ]
[ Alarm wailing ]

[ Screams ] Oh, no!

Instead of arresting me,

what do you say I
flash you for it, mm?

- You have the right
to remain clothed.

Any breasts you expose can
and will be held against you

in a court of law.
- [ Sighs ] Ugh.

♪♪

- Your Honor, my
client is now aware

that mermaids
aren't real... ever.

In addition, he's prepared

to completely abstain
from energy drinks.

- A misunderstanding
is what it was.

- I'll dismiss the charges,
but you're not allowed

within 1,000 feet of a manatee.

Unless, of course, it's
over the age of consent.

- Potential Felon 223.

- Where's my lawyer?
- Did you download the app?

- No?
- Oh, you should have.

Trophy Fantasy, you have
numerous outstanding warrants.

Petty theft, arson, lewd
behavior in a buffet restaurant.

What say you in your defense?

- I would like to
present into evidence...

- You are hereby sentenced
to community service

mentoring teen runaways.

If you can scare them straight,
I'll waive your charges.

If not, it's hard labor

spell checking Dear
Leader's social media. Next!

- But, your Hono-gram,
I'm no good with children.

Plus I-I already am
a stay-at-home mom.

My... My daughter Annie
is the teen who needs me.

- Does your daughter have
any exceptional needs?

- She's exceptionally
needy! Or neglected?

Uh, I forget which is
which is which is which.

- Step forward.
Due to budget cuts,

we've replaced parole officers

with uptight,
underage tattletales.

It's a pilot program
we're calling "Lil' PO."

You a snitch?
- My gym teacher who steals cigarettes

from the sophomore she's
having sex with says I am.

- Sold. You are hereby deputized

by the franchise-territory
of Florida.

I'm releasing your mother
into your recognizance.

[ Gavel bangs ]
- Oh.

[ Both sobbing ]

- Mr. and Mrs. Cuddlefish,
feel free to take

as long as you need with
your final good-byes.

I see here you've
ordered Loki's cremains

put inside the
screen of an iPad?

- So we can keep playing
"Worried Geese" together.

I won't let the quacks stop!

- I don't know how
we'll get through

this first night without him.

It was always the three of us!

- [ Sobbing ]

- Pete, have Lester
and I told you how much

you remind us of Loki?

- You're practically his twin!

- If there is anything I can do,

you know our motto
here at Tender Endings.

♪ Have Your Grief Your Way

- Hmm. Could you possibly
come to our house tonight?

- Of course.

I believe your
Super Deluxe Package

actually includes one in-home
grief counseling session.

- The file said the runaways
are a three-person g*ng

called the Killmore Girls.

Good luck scaring them.

They have a lot of
unresolved feelings.

- You know, I also saw
on TV that moms should

encourage their daughters
to confront their fears.

It builds resilience.

I'm gonna let you
handle the mentoring.

- What?!

- Ugh, this is so boring.
- Oh.

- [ Clears throat ]
- Um, hello, goth peers.

I'm Annie, a registered Lil' PO.

How about we go around and state
your name and why you're here?

- I'm Infinitee,
and I've k*lled.

- I'm Eternitee,
and I've k*lled.

- I'm Monotonie, and I
buried the dead bodies.

I'm a helper. Is
that a dead body?

- She's undead, not dead.

- Is this grammar?
I hate grammar.

- We're actually gonna
begin the day with goals.

What's a dream job
for each of you?

I'll start... I want to raise
peacocks as pets, not meat.

- Hey, guys, let's
get out of here.

This place has, like,
real second-chance energy.

- Let's go stare at that
lake that's on fire.

- Come back! Next, we
get to use pipe cleaners

to express our insecurities!

- I got this, hon.

Yeah, that Annie
girl is super lame.

Follow me. I know where we can
get some, like, food for free.

- I'll bring the pipe cleaners
just in case there's a wait

for a table of five.

- It's going to take a long time
to process the loss of Loki,

but that's why I'm here.

- We were hoping you
would feel that way.

- I find it best to not let go.

Just keep holdin' on forever.

Sorrow can last a lifetime,
if you do it right.

- If you like those pictures,
you'll love the ones upstairs.

♪♪

- [ Belches, gags ]
- Wow!

- Once your organs disintegrate,

there's a lot more room
for hot dogs in there.

- It's kind of hot,
in a gross way.

- You really did used to
be like us... but better.

- You make me nostalgic
for my wild teen years.

Maybe my resurrection
is also a second chance

to have adolescent fun?

Because first time,
I squandered my life.

Got caught up in
nihilism and despair.

- Nice mentoring.

Connecting with
their despondence

by talking about your suicide.

Really brave.
- No, I mean my teen pregnancy.

Girls, no matter how
bad you screw up,

there's no mistake you can't
"talk" your way out of...

Unless you keep the baby.

- I'd only want one if it could be
like that doll from "Child's Play."

- Trophy? Quick word in private?

- No secrets, Annie.

Don't be rude to the g*ng.

- How am I the worst
mistake of your life?

You left town three days
after you gave birth!

And you once joined
a CrossFit gym

that harvested your kidney!

- Why you gotta be such a
buzzkill to your sister?

- She's my mother!
- If she never mothered you,

seems more like she's
your sister to me.

- Sorry, I need to
close out your tab.

You've ordered the
maximum number of hot dogs

we're legally allowed to
serve to a group of women.

You're welcome back later
with a male chaperone.

- [ Whispers ] We're
not paying. Watch this.

[ Growling voice
] Death powers.

♪♪

- Did those beetles
come out of her...

- It's better not to think about it.
- But I want to.

I may have just figured
out my dream job.

- Hey!

♪♪

- That's my favorite
portrait of the three of us.

- You slept together?

- Absolutely.

- We know it's not
traditional, but...

- Say no more.

Parenting, like grief,
takes many forms.

- Loki wasn't our son.

He was our lover.

The three of us were a triad.

Have you ever
heard of polyamory?

- Oh, it's time
to renew our vows.

- Once the divorce rate
topped 90%, Florida decided

to make marriages
auto-expire every 24 hours.

- You just use the app.

- We were married
for almost a decade.

But now, without
a third person...

it's like the vows
have lost all meaning.

- Like the Pledge of
Allegiance, or an MFA.

- [ Over speakers ] Please
complete vows in 30 seconds

to remain lawfully wed.


- Won't you join us, Pete?

- Till death or 24 hours
from now do us part.

- I think it would really
help us with our mourning.

- One really shouldn't
make hasty decisions

after the death of a loved one,

but rebound weddings
are included

in the Super Deluxe Package.

My idea.

- Throw! Throw! Throw!

- Oh!
- Here it goes!

Huegh!

- Take that society!
[ Car horn honks ]

- Okay, G-8-T-R-6-9-R.
- Whee!

- Why are you writing down license plate numbers?
- Hah! Take that!

- So we can send apology notes.
- Yeah! [ Laughing ]

- Or hand-deliver. I don't think
we can afford this many stamps.

- Ear popper?
Helps with anxiety.

- You suffer from anxiety?

- Yeah, fear of getting last
place in wet T-shirt contests.

You know, it happens to
good people every day.

- Wet T-shirt contest!

[ All cheering, laughing ]

- Trophy, as your Lil'
PO, I demand you...

- Somebody's gotta be last place!
- Auuugh!

- Ugh! Seriously?!
[ Sirens wailing ]

If I weren't wearing
a rubber undershirt,

I'd be soaked to the bone.

If you'd rather pretend
to be a teenager

with these screw-ups than spend
time with me, fine! [ Laughter ]

Enjoy being a sl*ve in a
social media sweatshop.

- Trophy! Let's put some
T-shirts on some roadkill

and get them wet! [
Car horns honking ]

[ Sirens wailing
] [ Shouting ]

- Who even does wet
T-shirt contests anymore?

That's, like, so male-gaze.

Exposing your breasts is not
a successful life strategy.

You're okay, Annie.

Fear of abandonment
is character building.

Unlike my fear of zippers,
which I just need to work on.

[ Tires squeal ]

- Get in quick before
the police find us.

♪♪

- Girls, I'm Mrs. Clomid.
[ Laughter ]

I run a place that helps
young women like you...

In need of support or escape.

Good thing I keep
my police scanner on

as I drive around town
picking up teen girls

thrown away by their families.

- Oh, I'm not a runaway.

I'm related to
Trophy... Through birth.

She's easily distracted, but...
- Again. Again.

- deep down, she loves me.

Pretty sure.

- Now you're officially
a Killmore Girl.

- Yes!

- Feel free to enjoy the amenities,
girls. [ Shouting, cheering ]

Whirlpool, free pedicures...

- Here it goes!
- Chicken pox vaccines.

Come on!
- Oh! [ Laughs ]

- Whoo!
- What fun!

- Is there somewhere
I can sit quietly

until they tire themselves out?

- I want to show
you the amenities

I think you'll appreciate.

This way.

[ Playing soft, mellow tune ]

I could tell from the
first moment I saw you

that you're special.

I think you'll feel
right at home here.

Here's where we all
sit down together

for a home-cooked dinner
each night... family style.

- What is..."family style"?

- My uterus is curious.

My choice... [ Chuckles ]

Rolls Royce.

Old man's baby?
Yes, they'll pay me.

- First time here?
Are you pre or post?

- Oh, um, I... I'm
just getting the tour.

- I'm gonna use the money
to pay for Stanford.

Then, I'll launch my app.

It's like Tinder but
for plane tickets.

- Ooh.
- Let's go to my office

and talk about your
growth potential.

♪♪

- Mm.
- There!

- You complete us,
Pete. Shall we toast?

[ Man wailing ]

- Oh! I should take this.

I'll be right back.

- Petey, where are you?

We work now.

- I'm with the Cuddlefishes.

They've asked me to share
their lives with them,

and I think I'm... happy?

- Yeah, remember
last time you happy.

You saw a sunset,

and we nearly went
out of business!

- Oh, yeah... The
time I realized

that the world was so
big and so beautiful.

I wish people didn't
get so weirded out

when you grin while
burying their family.

- Ah-hah. Petey,
remember mother?

What does she know?

- She know best.

- And what does mother want?

- For Pete to stop being happy

and start being
a sad undertaker?

- Good boy.

- [ Sighs ] God,
she's brilliant!

♪♪

- What it do? The
Duplass Brothers,

Morgan Freeman, Scrooge McDuck,

That Guy Who Drops the Chili
on NBC's "The Office"...

What do they all have in common?

They all want to have kids,

but their sperms
are too damn old!

Holla! It would be ill*gal
and disgusting for them

to actually have sex with you,

but your teenaged eggs are
the best money can buy!

F-F-F-Feoow! So, what's
up? Here's the tea!

At birth, you simply twerk
away your parental rights.

You'll get the future you
deserve had your parents

loved you more or been rich
enough to buy your succe...

- You get the drift.
May I speak candidly?

You remind me of myself
when I was your age.

- Your mom abandoned you,
k*lled herself, got reanimated,

and rather than use her
second chance at life

to be the kind of mother
you deserve, she used it

to refine her skin regimen?

- [ Chuckles ] No.

But Mom did come late
to one of my swim meets.

Now I think of every girl here
as one of my very own daughters.

Care for some hot cocoa?

- So, you live in luxury,

get a wad of cash
after the birth,

and don't have to raise
the... ugh... baby?

Sign me up!
- Yeah, me too!

- Ladies.

- Girls, you're forgetting
everything I've taught you.

Pregnancy means
the party's over!

- It's 40,000 Flori-dollars
a pop, Grandma.

- They're low-balling you.
[ Device warbles ]

- I'm sorry. None
of you qualify.

I'll need to ask you to leave.
- Huh? Why?

- Well, Eternitee,
you're already pregnant.

- Can't I get double-pregnant?

- No.
- I'll show you!

- Infinitee, your drug screening

shows you've been
doing ear whippets

as recently as, eh, today.

- I have anxiety!

- And Monotonie... sadly,
you're disqualified

because Senator Casey
Anthony intervened.

- God! My mom never
stops ruining my life.

I hate her!
- God, I know what you mean.

Hey, where's Annie? [ Gasps ]

♪♪

How did my story about having
her not scare her straight?

Plus, she'll never
give up the baby!

She can't even throw
away chicken bones.

She and my brother make these
googley-eyed sculptures.

They're... They're
really chilling.

- So, we ditch her.

Let's go on a Killmore
Girls crime spree!

- We should rob a Chick-fil-A.

They're, like, problematic.
- You don't understand.

We have to go help Annie!

You want me to rescue
her all by myself?!

What am I, he... her mother?!

- There's, like, a resemblance.

- Rrrrgh.
- Bye-bye.

- Even when I am
wearing this tiny hat?!

Rrrgh!
- Oh, no. Telekinesis?

You're not scary.
- Oh, wow. That's impressive.

Like, dead, undead.

Make up your mind already.

- Okay. You wanna be scared?

I'll show you your
own pathetic deaths

if you don't change your ways.

Monotonie, if you don't
turn your life around,

you're gonna die hitchhiking

when a trucker
accidentally runs you over

as he's pulling off the road
with plans to m*rder you.

- Hmm. Complicated much?

- Oh, I'm sorry.
Hard to follow?

Infinitee, you're gonna drown

during this weekend's
wet T-shirt contest!

- What place am I
in when I drown?

- 7th.
- Out of how many?

- Seven! And Eternitee,
for you, it's death

by wasabi Brazil nut!

[ Gasps ]

[ Panting ]
- That's it.

You're out of the g*ng.

- I've never even been
to Wasabi, Brazil.

This is so boring.
- Fine!

I'll rescue Annie from a
life-destroying decision without you!

Oh, but a quick spray-tan
first wouldn't hurt.

♪♪

- Everything okay?

- Hey, where are my clothes?

- [ Laughs ] Oh, that
Soviet-era janitor jumpsuit

with a decaying sandwich inside?

[ Laughs ] I tossed it.

- Augh! Oh!

- We'll get you a
whole new wardrobe.

We loved spoiling Loki.

But, since he tragically
died in a VR grease fire,

we're here to spoil you.

- Decaying things aren't just

my life's purpose...
They're my passion!

Baba's right... you and I
have different priorities.

- But... But our...

Our only priority is
your happiness, Pete!

- I'm afraid that's not
going to work for me.

Goodbye, Cuddlefishes.

This was cute.

♪♪

- So, um, how does this work?

Are there stirrups, or...

- You just swallow this pill.

You're instantly impregnated

with the sperm of
anonymous donor

Sir Rod Stewart.

You'll make a great
vessel, Annie.

- Wow. I've never
felt this cared for.

- Take the pill, and
you can feel that way

for nine more months.

- Annie, don't do it!

Teen pregnancy isn't all
baby footprint tattoos,

reality shows,
and m*rder trials.

It has a human cost.
- Leave me alone!

Mrs. Clomid knows
what's best for me.

She made me hot
cocoa... With sprinkles!

- Damn, she's good.

I should have been the
beverage equivalent

of the world's best hot cocoa.

But life filled your "Mom"
mug with an undead can

of flat Malt liquor.

I want to do better.

♪♪

- Annie's in our care now.

Inseminees aren't allowed
to leave the premises.

Trophy, please
say your goodbyes.

- I'm not leaving
you to be raised

by a well-meaning
old woman again!

- Why? You seem to prefer

vapid-hot dog-criminal time
to mother-daughter time.

- You're right. I
don't deserve a smart,

responsible daughter like you.

But this is my second
chance... And yours, too.

You should have some
carefree fun for a change,

and I should embrace tedium
and misery like a real adult.

Don't get pregnant till you're
actually ready to be a parent,

because you'll be a great one.

Death powers.

- I think I've
made a big mistake.

- [ Laughs ] "Big Mistake"
is my middle name.

Legally. Thanks, Baba.

- I wanna get out of here.

- You got it.

Let's run away
together this time.

- Oh, you smell like
gasoline and popcorn.

- It's the spray tan.

♪♪

Hey, fertile freaks!

Help us sneak out of here,
I'll show you my knockers!

- I've got this.
Girls, I'm desperate.

I have an interview with
Harvard in half an hour,

and they won't let me leave.

If I miss it, I'll
have to go to Vassar.

- Oh, my God, say no more.

Sarah, Operation Safety School!

♪♪

- I just finished my
Lil' PO self-assessment,

and I think I have
to turn us both in.

- You are a little snitch.
- The rules were clear.

You had to help the runaways,
and I had to supervise.

[ Sirens wailing
] We both failed.

Together. [ Crash! ]

- What are you doing here?

- Right after we left
the preggo dork mansion,

Eternitee was k*lled
by a wasabi Brazil nut,

just like you predicted.

- Oh, my gosh.
She was allergic?

- No, I threw it
off the overpass

and hit her in the skull.

It was hilarious.
- [ Laughs ]

- But it made us realize
you were right, Trophy.

- We went to the judge
to confess our crimes

and he said, "Due to budget
cuts, wanna be sexy cops?"

Now we're SXPD. Duh.

- That means I did
scare you straight.

Well, except for Eternitee.
- Yep, you're officially free.

- Then, why are you here?

- We have an arrest
warrant for you, Annie.

Says you're harboring
a stolen fetus.

- You leave Annie alone,

or I'll send out the
beetles to cover your feet

so it looks like you're
wearing sensible shoes.

- A slip-on clog mule?!

Guh, we'll be kicked
off the SXPD force!

- I guess we could
tell them Annie died.

- From a wasabi Brazil nut!

Those deaths tend
to happen in pairs.

Bye-bye.

- Get shower, Pete.

Now you need to marry Trophy.

- I'm still married
to the Cuddlefishes.

For at least a few more hours.

- Married? You sell
a Super Deluxe?

- Let's just put that
funeral behind us, shall we?

Anyone feeling hungry?

We could cook a family-style.
- Maybe tomorrow.

Tonight, we deserve
a special treat!

- I already had
my special treat.

It was learning I don't
deserve happiness.

- Ummm, Baba.

I have to tell you something.

Long story, but I'm pregnant.
- [ Slurping ]

- Don't worry, I "bought"
you a morning-after hot dog.

- You did?
- I think I'm really getting the hang

of this mother/daughter thing.

- Sorry, little Sir
Roderick Stewart.

- And if no work, I have
secret family recipe.

Only fail me one time.

Biggest mistake of my life.

- ♪ This is the morning after

♪ The house is such a disaster

♪ But there's someone

♪ Outside

♪ That caught my eye

♪ It's the dead
girl in the pool ♪

♪ It's the dead
girl in the pool ♪

♪ It's the dead
girl in the pool ♪

♪ I don't know what do