01x05 - Double-Dates und andere Mutproben

[bunniefuu]

Yes?

I'm sorry.

I know I treated you badly.

-Why are you here?
-I didn't let you near me.

Like in Friends,
when Ross falls in love with Joey

and can't accept it.

-Which episode?
-No idea. I never saw the show.

It doesn't matter.

A friend from my therapy group asked
if I'd ever been vulnerable with anyone.

-Zoé.
-First I thought no, but then

I thought of you.

I'm here to ask you
to give me another chance,

because I love you.

-With all of my...
-Heart?

-Yes! You see? We get each other.
-Zoé.

And to show you that I'm ready to open up,

and to be vulnerable,
I'm standing here, literally...

-Naked.
-Luca?

I tried to re-enact a scene from a romcom.

sh*t.

If I had known, I'd have worn underwear.

But I forgot that I hate romcoms.

He didn't want me back.

Zoé, wait.

Maybe I do like romcoms.

And now, we're back together.

-I see.
-What?

He left his fiancée?

Broke her heart?

And dumped her unscrupulously? For you.

How romantic is that?

What I would like to know is
why you changed your mind so suddenly.

-Last week...
-You inspired me.

Nele, with your
seemingly pointless puppy love

and Dennis, with your lovesickness
for Yvonne.

I'm glad our emotional pain helped you.

The old Zoé threw Luca away
as if he was nothing.

The new Zoé sees the truth.

I love him.

And you haven't even had sex. I mean...

Well...

It's hard to say no to hot sex, isn't it?

-Ben?
-No, don't do that. Leave me out of it.

I'm abstinent.

Let's do a little exercise.

It's unusual, but I'm sure that...

Anja, screw the exercise.

Who wants to hear
more about my breakthrough?

-Me.
-It might open up a new perspective.

I am the new perspective!

Fine. Then let's take a break.

Five-minute break, guys. Then we continue!

We need to talk.

Let me guess, you need a metaphor.
How about...

You're disrupting the therapy.

Impossible.

I've won at therapy.

Impossible. You can't win at therapy.
You can't just change your identity.

Like Dieter does with his washcloths.

There's the metaphor.

Zoé. Tell me, do you really believe that?
That one can force heal?

That it's that simple?

Okay.

Then please don't drag the others into it.

I'm counting on you.

Hey, Nele? Nele, can I talk to you
for a moment?

Okay.

What happened between us in the pool...

Nothing happened between us in the pool.

-I thought we had a moment...
-I saw that floozy you were with.

Floozy?

No, no. It was just some chick.

Just some chick?

There he is again, old Ben.

-Still a f*ck.
-Nele.

It's fine, you know?
Do your thing. But not with me.

Zoé's changed completely. I want that too.

-Great idea.
-Zoé!

Last week I almost made
a totally stupid mistake.

But this time my eyes were opened in time.

And now, Zoé has what I've always wanted.

True love.

My love is mega-true.

We should tone
this thing down a little bit...

You know what? From now on,

I'm going to step outside my comfort zone
and try it the Zoé way.

The old Nele was a total loser.

New Nele will do better.

Awesome. Dennis, how about you?

Old Dennis wasted
half his life with Yvonne.

I want to change too.

f*ck it! I'll download Tinder.

-Yes.
-Breakthrough!

-You and I have a problem now.
-Who'd have thought therapy could help?

I didn't really.

But it works. A miracle.

Let's hear it for Anja,
the best therapist ever!

Okay. This therapy session is over.
You can go.

Go!

-Ciao, Anja.
-Bye.

f*ck me!

Okay. Today you will dare to be different.

I told you, changing yourself is easy.

Would old Nele ever have hit on a guy?

On public transportation?

No.

And see? Now, you have a hot date.

-That's awesome.
-Mega awesome.

And he looks so good.

Although, the best looking guys
are usually serial K*llers.

Ted Bundy, OJ Simpson, Dexter.

That's why it's a double date.

-And we have a safe word.
-Yeah.

-I am hungry.
-I am hungry.

I see there are two Zoés today.

-Double trouble.
-Two amigas.

Zoé?

Can I borrow some of your clothes?
You know, a...

-A bit more slutty.
-Stylish.

Yes.

-All the sauces, no onions.
-Thanks.

Have you seen Nele's new look? Seriously?

That was the wrong falafel.

All this new Nele, old Nele sh*t.

-That's just embarrassing.
-It was the right one.

She said she almost made a stupid mistake.
Hello? What stupid mistake?

Wait. Do you have feelings for Nele?

No.

That's why you stared at her in therapy.

No. Something was stuck in her teeth.

And you didn't ask
the dog owner for her number.

No, I have allergies.

-That's why you talk about her constantly.
-Stop.

Stop.

Do you know how crazy you sound?

Like this falafel, you got it wrong.

You sure?

sh*t.

Because...

I'm here for you, if you...

Romantic and sexual feelings
aren't allowed at therapy.

If I did, I'd have to leave the group.

Right? But I don't.

-Okay. Sorry.
-It's all good.

You're just scared to use Tinder.
Show me your profile.

No one knows how to get a woman
better than me.

BEN - Can we talk?
NELE - NOPE!

One you really want.

This one's yours.

Right.

Is everything okay?

Little Luca doesn't want to.

Have you really changed?

Yes, of course.

I've changed.

Trust me.

I love you.

Well?

How do I look?

-Like me. So hot!
-Right?

I feel relaxed.

And also somehow more cynical.

Go lick some p*ssy, bro.

Speaking of p*ssy,
we must burn the painting.

Why?

That's a postmodern examination
of the fears of today's society.

Why do fears in modern society
have to be so vag*na-shaped?

Luca?

I don't want Louis to think
I have no taste.

If you want to be cool,
then you can't care what Louis thinks.

I totally don't care what Louis thinks.

Oh, God. There he is.

I'm not ready yet. Okay.

Can you get that? The door.

Yes.

Hi.

Hi.

I haven't dared to swipe anyone.

But my profile is nice.

Okay. Favorite movie, Matrix 3.

-Underrated.
-Favorite rapper, Justin Bieber?

Surprisingly good at freestyle.

And favorite c*ck, Shirley Temple.

Non-alcoholic, tasty. Nice drink.

Okay, let's start over.

Yeah.

-I'm hungry.
-We're going to a restaurant.

What? No. I am hungry.

Right. Our safe word.

Okay. What is it?

Your date is the sexy guy
from the costume party.

-Your hot horror priest?
-But don't worry.

He's yours. I've got Luca.

Okay, that means he's into women like you.

In other words...

women like me. Excellent.

Hey, there's the stranger.

Just chatted me up on the bus.

-Hey.
-Yeah, it takes a mindset

and the best things happen

when you step out of your comfort zone.

You can tell by the apartment.

Rad painting.

So grim. But also nice.

Yes.

I just totally love how it...

portrays the fear in society
and this post-modern stuff.

As if Gerhard Richter
and Georgia O'Keeffe had a child.

Yes. I totally know what that means.

It'll be a fun first date.

Yes. I certainly remember our first date.

Oh, so do I. Of course.

-At the museum.
-At the movies-- museum.

Yes, the art was so beautiful.

I remember what you wore.

-Your white dress.
-Yes, my white T-shirt-- summer dress.

You don't remember our first date?

How could I forget
the most important day of my whole life?

-Zoé, are you hungry?
-Yes. Very.

Oh God. I f*cked it up.
I'm not romantic enough.

Hey, Zoé. Luca loves you.

But he doubts me.

It's not easy to change yourself.

I know what to do.

You become me.

Whose '90s romcom DVDs are at your place?

Zoé's. I only watch art house
and porn and art house porn.

What's with you and romcoms lately?

I love romcoms.

And everything by Disney.

The one with the dog and the other dog.

Lady and the tr*mp?

Yes. That's my favorite movie.

Since you're my little Padawan now,

I'll tell you what the secret sauce is.

The most important thing is the profile.

That's 95 % of the game.

Give me your phone.

Okay, stand there.

Look into the camera. Be a tiger.

Shall I growl? Or what...

Yes?

I mean, be yourself, but be a tiger.

Yes.

Yeah.

Not quite right.

I have an idea.

Give me a bit more.

Yes. Turn a bit more.

A bit more.

That's it. And look behind you.

Yes, that's it.

-Like this?
-Yes. And now the jacket.

A bit more.
Turn your head more.

Perfect.

-Really?
-It's perfect, dude.

Look.

Are you sure?

Don't you think it's a bit shouldery?

Of course, I'm sure.

You look so fresh.

Fresher than ever, okay?

But you can't see my face.
Like not at all.

Dude. Women love secrets.

No one knows what the Z in Jay-Z means,
but he married Beyoncé. f*ck it.

What's up with the outfit?

-You don't like it?
-It's cute.

Here you go.

Dude. It's like a sex buffet.

Slow down.
You know you can also reject profiles?

No way. That's super unfriendly.

Hello, Marie. Anne.

And Mimi. She has a sweet Chihuahua.

What happened now?

That was a match.

-What do I do?
-Message her.

What should I say?

Hey or hello.

Ciao is sexy.

That's stressful.

What's the purple chili?

Is she hungry?

That, my friend, is an eggplant.

Vegan, okay. I see.

Have you been living under a rock?
That means p*nis.

-She sends me a p*nis?
-She's horny.

Wow, okay. Another match.

I haven't answered
the pervert vegetable lady yet.

Maybe it's a bit too much...

I got it.

I know you want my purple chili, baby.

The whole concept of romance
has totally lost its meaning.

Like weddings, Valentine's Day,
moonlight walks.

All this kitsch

is based on old-fashioned ideas
of how men and women should be.

Yes, totally.

I hate moonlight walks
and kitsch like that.

I can't really think of anything worse.

I used to think so too,
until I fell in love with my Lucali.

Our appetizer. Freshly fried grasshoppers.

Officially left the comfort zone.

Would you like something different?

No. Insects are my favorite.

Why not eat something small and creepy
and feeds on feces?

-Totally cool.
-Really good.

Did I tell you about my experience?

When I took hash cookies to a funeral?

-Really?
-Yes.

I love technology.

You can be who you want online.

Yes. But be careful, okay?
Because it's really addictive.

There are so many women out there waiting
to get pampered by my purple chili.

-If you know what I mean.
-I know.

I mean my p*nis.

Check out this profile.

I bet she's good in bed.

-Yes, she is.
-Yeah.

There I was in the gym wheel,

having the best sex of my life
with two models.

-That was you.
-I know.

Then there I was riding on my balloon

and suddenly
my ex-boyfriend's standing there.

Nele? I'm hungry.

You're at the right place.

Where was I?
The story from the poetry slam, right?

-Anyway, I was...
-Nele?

I am hungry.

Yes. You're hungry.

Let's go to the bathroom.

Great story, right?

What are you doing?

Those things happened to me.

So?

Isn't new Nele too much like old Zoé?

And it works.
He might even fall in love with me.

It's only been half a date.
And even if he does

-it has nothing to do with you.
-Zoé.

Why do you care
if Louis falls in love with me?

I may be lying, but I know it.

Your whole I'm-in-love thing.

-Come on.
-What are you saying?

You think I don't know
what it's like to be in love?

It's not about Luca.
You just want to win at therapy.

I love Luca.

If you say so.

At least I have a chance to win therapy.

You're such a psycho
that you'll stay in therapy forever.

-You're so fake.
-You're so fake.

I work as an assistant, by the way,
on photo shoots.

-What about you?
-Physician. Internist.

Cool. Then we both help people.

Like, in our own way.

Yes.

New Nele is not fake.

New Nele is really cool.

And new Zoé is really in love.

Hey, Nele.

I keep thinking about last week.

Because I'm abstinent
I can't even distract myself with sex.

I'm really abstinent and the only reason
I can keep it up this long is...

Is...

Isn't Lady and the tr*mp your favorite?

Why don't you two
re-enact the spaghetti scene?

It's so romantic.

You know what? Great idea.

Here? In this expensive restaurant?
Isn't it weird?

It shows our true love.

So cute.

Dennis?

I think I'd better go.

Hello, baby. Hello, sexy.

Hello, Mina. Oh God. Ben!

I just liked my boss.

Can you undo a swipe?

-Your boss?
-Yes.

At least you guys didn't match. It's fine.

You're screwed.

"Meet me in half an hour at Saal2 bar."

You know you don't have to go?

I already texted "Yes".

Why?

I need a shirt, Ben.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

-First.
-Well?

-Another round?
-Yeah, sure.

-Great.
-Living dangerously, right?

Nele is really dangerous.

Exactly. You know what?

I'll have the most dangerous thing.

What's this here?

That would be spicy pig testicles.

Very tasty.

Great.

Okay.

So, here are the spicy pig testicles.

I hope you have a strong stomach.

Too much for you?

Pig testicles are cool.
You wouldn't understand.

This is by far the most disgusting thing
I have ever seen.

Dennis, please reconsider.

You don't have to go in there.

Look.

She's so alone.

Okay, listen, Dennis.
Delete the app and go home.

Yes? Ghosting is normal online.

I don't do that.

Dennis. If she sees that you're Denny
from Tinder, she'll think you stalked her.

I'm not standing her up.

Even if she fires me.

Dennis?

Hello, Mina.

-What the hell?
-Hell?

To me you look
more like an angel in heaven.

-Something wrong?
-No.

What an embarrassing pick up line.

You just saved me.

That's one of my employees.

And I thought...

Never mind.

Thanks.

Could I get a Shirley Temple?

Cheers.

Nice drink.

-May I?
-Yes.

Very good drink choice. Tasty, isn't it?

Yes.

Drink this.

You're the craziest date, I ever had.

Better?

Yes?

-Hey. Shall we pay?
-No.

Our romantic date has just began.

I want the Lovers' Special dessert.

Lovers' Special? How kitschy.

I mean, let's just f*ck out on the street.

Sex without feelings
is meaningless. Right?

Love is just being conventional, right?

I'm into monogamy.

I'm into one-night stands
without judgement.

Why did you attack Ben today?

-What a drama queen.
-Hey.

She's my best friend.

Nele, I'm sorry.

Leave me alone.

You're great the way you are.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

You're brave.

You're funny.

Come on.

You're my best friend.

That's the most romantic thing
anyone has ever said to me.

Maybe I am romantic after all.

Here. Your jacket.

What do you say?

Ready to go?

Yes, but I have to
take care of something first.

Louis...

I've been lying to you all night.

I'm not cool.

I think insects
should be squashed, not eaten.

Pig testicles belong on the pig, and...

I love romantic walks in the moonlight.

Then why are you lying?

I don't know.
I'm scared to step out of my comfort zone.

I like to step out of my comfort zone.

I'll try the romantic thing.

Maybe I'll like it.

How about a kitschy trip?

Yes?

Hey you, I think that...

I don't know what you did here today...

but I think you've really changed.

-Luca.
-What is it, babe?

I...

We...

No. Wait.

You're breaking up with me?

I'm sorry.

I've been trying to be someone I'm not.

And who is that?

Someone who loves you.

I really thought
you had a breakthrough in your group.

I am still screwed up.

That's my breakthrough.

Can I have another?

Everything okay?

Yes. Everything's fine.

I'd take you to my place,

but my kids are there.

No problem. We...

can go to my mom's place.

How about we chat some more first?