01x05 - Stick Shift

[bunniefuu]

VIC: All right, so just
keep going straight

for half a mile.

Are-are my hands
in the right position?

Some say ten and two,

I say a knee at 6:30.

-Try the knee on for size.
-[horn honks]

Oh, you honk your mother
with that horn?

-This freakin' nerd's trying to do his test!
-Uh, okay...

Give him a break!

-[horn honking]
-Uh...

[scoffs]
We got a live one, buddy.

Eliot, time to put some fuzz
on those peaches.

Slow down.

Slower. We really want
to aggravate him.

-He's trying, he's trying to go around.
-Don't let him.

-[tires squeal]
-That's it.

Nice block, buddy.

Ah...

He's flashing his lights.
What does that mean?

It means it's working, bud.

Yellow light, yellow light.
Slow, slow.

Slow it down.

Slow.

Wait. Wait...

It's red. Go, go, go, go, go,

-go, go, go, go!
-[tires squeal]

Aw, missed the light, buddy.

Sucks to be you!

-[laughs]
-Good job, kid.

But you did just run
a red light,

so I'm gonna have to fail you.

What?

♪♪

BARB:
Vic, I just got off the phone

with an irate father
and his attorney.

You have a visitor.

Oh. Oh, hey, Barb.

I'll take a cold brew

with a splash of vanilla
Muscle Milk.

Preesh.

Can you just do your best
to keep road tests

uniform and consistent, please?

You got it.

Yeah, that'll teach him.

So, anyone notice anything new?

The smell of Ceci's
gross witch potion?

Uh-uh. It is extra-strength
bitter nail polish,

to help me avoid
biting these girls.

It also keeps
the animal customers

-from chewing on all the pens.
-Mm.

I'll give you guys a clue.

Use your eyes. It's on the wall.

"Bee kind."

You know, when the bees
are all gone,

mankind will become extinct
in four years.

Thanks for that reminder.

No, it's just like "be kind."

Just a thoughtful message
for the office.

Like, I wonder who took the time
to put that up. [chuckles]

Oh, we all know
it was you, Colette.

-Who else does nice things?
-Aw.

And then has to tell
everyone all about it?

-What?
-VIC: Yeah.

If you go, like, one dollar over
on Secret Santa,

-the whole world has to know.
-Yeah.

It was $2.50,
and I don't do that.

I never had to thank somebody
more for a grocery store bagel.

I like doing nice things
for other people.

To make yourself feel good.

What? It's not about me.

I bet you can't do
a single nice thing

without taking credit for it.

Oh, my God. Game on.
Challenge accepted.

I cannot wait

to find the perfect act
of kindness to do anonymously.

Hey, Gregg, you got a minute?

No, I'm really busy.

[groans] It's Vic.

I just feel like his behavior,
it just isn't always...

-Human?
-Professional.

-Hmm.
-Do you have any ideas?

Um, I'm gonna pass.

You know, you're the manager.
That's your job.

That's why they pay you


Come on,
we've worked together forever.

Please help me.

Come on, you were a teacher.

[groans]

It's the old
carrot versus stick.

Certain people
only respond to stick.

So, you're saying
Vic is craving a stick?

The guy who jabbed me
with the office EpiPen

to see if I could handle
an "adrenaline rush"?

Yeah. He's craving stick.

That was insane.
You didn't blink for six hours.

You got to lay down the law,

or else he's just gonna
keep walking over you.

Like last week, when he
literally walked all over you.

I was on the floor
fixing the refrigerator leak.

But I get what you're saying.

This has been helpful, Gregg.

Thank you.

-[floor squeaking]
-Oh! Golly.

[sighs] She's peeing again.

[chuckles]

Sorry, Fred, you failed
your written test again, mate.

But, hey, you're gonna get it
one of these days.

Yeah. Or months.

-[laughs]
-What are you... What?

Sloppy salmon, homie.

-[chuckles]
-You got fished, Kiwi.

-Yeah, you got me.
-I know.

-I'm just doing my thing.
-No... Okay.

All right, salmon are spawning.
Who wants it?

Message received.

-[softly]: Come on.
-[Vic hums]

Sloppy salmon! [laughs]

-[exhales]
-Oh, dawg...

Vic. My office now.

Uh-oh. Sounds like
Mama Grizz wants a bite.

[humming]

Hey, how's your morning going?

I'm just doing nothing.

Doing nothing for no one.

Oh, and, uh, le deed is le done.

What are you talking about?

The kindness poster?
You challenged me to find

-something to do.
-[harmonica playing]

What is that?

Did you let that sick bird
in here again?

It's probably just Noa playing
the new harmonica I gave him.

[laughs]

-You got him a harmonica?
-Okay.

You know how he loves
wind instruments?

-No.
-But I just left it on his desk.

Anonymously.

Oh. Look at you.

Because I don't care
about credit,

just making other people happy
because I'm kind.

[harmonica playing]

[gasps] Noa.

Is that a new harmonica?

-NOA: Yeah.
-[laughs]: Where'd you get that?

NOA: I-I have no idea.

I just found it on my desk

-with a little bow.
-Oh.

Uh, was that hand-tied or...?

Yeah, I mean, this-this baby,

it's like the one I had
when I was seven.

It was basically my best friend.

-Aw.
-Called her Monica for short.

-So cute.
-[harmonica playing]

Oh, oh.

This is, this is really special.

COLETTE: Very.

It's from you, isn't it?

Actually, no. Mm-mm.

But, hey, hats off to whoever

cares enough about you
to get your initials

etched into
the reed plate there.

[laughs]: Oh, my God.

How could you see that
from so far away, Colette?

Just really good eyes.
I'm a driving examiner, so...

NOA: I guess I have
a mystery office angel

out there somewhere.

What a mystery.

-Okay, fine.
-[snaps fingers]

It was me.

What the fun? That's so fun.

And very confusing.

Are you serious, Ceci?

Thank you so much.
Honestly, I'm-I'm truly...

[shouts] No touching.

Okay, well-well,
this-this beauty

certainly has touched me, so...

thank you.

[laughs]

[harmonica playing]

What are you doing?

Testing your resolve.

His happiness is all
that matters, correct?

Yes. Uh-huh.

Much more than the nine hours
of back-and-forth I had

with a very short-tempered
artisan in Hamburg.

Oh, my God, I broke the table.

Better. It's fixed. Don't tell
anyone about the table.

Oh, boy.

Tough time
in the principal's office, huh?

Barb promoted me.

-What?
-Yeah. She said she saw something

special in me. [chuckles]

Right? Anyway, say hello

to the new executive
driving examiner.

Are you kidding?

There is one downside.
I now have to be here

every day at 8:00 a.m. Ugh.

That's when everyone
has to be here.

Oh. Big news all around today.

I do not understand...

Oh. That chair
still acting up, buddy?

-I don't feel it anymore.
-Tell you what,

I'm gonna put in a request
for a freshie.

Perks of the promosh. [chuckles]

"They swing the ball
to Berry in the corner.

Up-fakes straight to the hole."

[whistles] "There's a whistle."

"Ref, are you kidding me?

That was a Euro step."

"B-B, take a step back.

Don't make me T you up."

"Oh, right during the friggin'
finals? Are you kidding..."

Hey. Uh, I was wondering
if you had a second.

I wanted to bend your ear
about something. Are you busy?

I'm... Well, yeah,
I mean, I mean, sure.

-Come on in.
-Okay, cool.

So, a coworker
begged me for advice

and then did
the complete opposite.

Ugh, that really boils
my beaver. Who was it?

-It was you.
-What?

You gave Vic a promotion.

Oh, that?
That was just a fake title.

I thought you said
you were gonna discipline him.

Yeah, I did,
but then I realized,

what Vic needs
is to feel empowered.

-He needs discipline.
-Gregg, Gregg.

You know how I grew up
in a military family, right?

-Yeah.
-The values I learned...

loyalty, punctuality,

secrecy in the name
of other people's comfort...

-Sure, sure.
-...well,

the discipline part
was a real mixed bag.

I turned out fantastic,
but my sister,

oy, she's a mess. [chuckles]

The pediatric cardiologist?

No, the partner
in the Manhattan law firm.

Every vacation home she buys
is a cry for help.

I'm guessing.
I've never been invited.

Well, empowerment
won't work for him.

I think you and I both know
he is not the fastest horse

-on the carousel, right?
-VIC: Executive entering.

-Is that a clip-on?
-What?

No. It's Velcro. Cutting-edge.

Barb, I just wanted to inform
you that I've been spreading

the wordy-word that it's
all-hands-on-deck at 0800 hours.

Excellent work, Vic.

It's just an honor to serve.

Manager.

[sighs]: Oh, man.

Greggory,
a little walk-and-talk.

I noticed some dried-out markers
when I was rewriting the board.

I'm gonna need you to go through
and weed out the duds.

I'm not doing that.

Lucky for you,
I'm gonna let that slide.

But only because I love
the phrase "let that slide."

Dwayne, that's three
bathroom breaks in an hour.

-I'm not gonna let that slide.
-[sighs]

Hey. I just wanted to...

Noa, you don't need
to get me flowers,

and-and you don't need
to keep thanking me.

Okay? It was just
a dumb harmonica.

No, it is a wonderful harmonica,

and I just wanted
to show my gratitude.

So I wrote you a song.

[clears throat]

[harmonica playing]

-Thank you, that was... Oh.
-[continues playing]

Okay.

Okay.

I just wanted to say
thank you so much

for this special treasure.

I will hold it
close to my heart.

-Um, I loved it.
-Do not encourage him.

I hope you're happy.
Your kindness is k*lling me.

Well, maybe you shouldn't
have taken credit

for something you didn't do.

I believe these are mine.

There's something very sharp
in your trash.

GREGG: All right.

Make a right turn up here.

Taking a right up here.

I would actually have her
make a left

-to avoid the construction.
-[sighs]

-Okay, make a left.
-Mm-hmm.

Making a left, driving examiner

-and driving examiner's boss.
-Mm-hmm.

Wasn't expecting two of you.

Yeah, it was a surprise
to me as well.

Well, as executive
driving examiner,

I'm testing his testing of you.

Oh. If you're looking
for feedback,

I think his directions
could come a hair earlier.

VIC: Oh, I like that.

What else, Katie?
What else about

his personality could be better?

Hmm... oh, he could smile more.

Yes. That's what everyone's
been saying at the office.

Okay, that's it.
Vic, at the next stop

you're getting out.

Ooh, back-talking a superior?

Pal, this test
is not going well.

Okay, you are not a superior.

It's a fake title
that Barb gave you

to stop you from messing around.

It's like when a teacher
gives the hyperactive kid

the title of "special helper."

[laughs] We have one of those.

Connor. He's "door monitor."

I had that job.

Yeah, and it wasn't real either.

Firstly, you're embarrassing me
in front of our test taker.

Secondly, you're jealous
of my promotion.

Barb thinks I'm special and
she gave me more responsibility.

Did you get a pay bump?

-No.
-And in the history of the DMV,

has there ever been
an "executive driving examiner"?

I was a door monitor.
I don't know history.

Come on, man.

KATIE:
Can we get back to the test?

'Cause, um,
there's an Audi e-tron

with a bow in my driveway.

Yeah, well, it's gonna
be there for a while,

because you fail.

[gasps]

CECI: You hear that?

The sweet sound of silence.

I took care
of Noa's little flute.

Harmonica.

I doused it
with my anti-bite nail polish.

Yeah. Monica's dead.

You're not being very kind.

Hey, do my lips
look swollen to you?

-Oh.
-They feel kind of strange, like when I'm having

an allergic reaction
to something.

-COLETTE: Oh. -Yeah?
-No.

-Okay.
-[groans softly]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I know his lips really well.
They're definitely different.

They're, like, two shades off
their regular rose pink

and they're ten percent plumper.

I barely know what color
his hair is.

[sighs]: Oh, boy.

-Hey, Gregg.
-Hey, Barb.

What are you, waiting for me?

No. Fun update, though.

Vic volunteered for
written tests for Hot Kristen.

She caught a bad case
of the old ouch pouch

and is going cramping.

So, Vic volunteered?

Yep. I guess that promotion
really made him

go the extra mile, pun intended.

Although he's not on the road,

but the pun still stands.
[chuckles]

-FRED: Whoo! Yes!
-Oh.

Whoo! I passed.

Whoo. There we go. Yeah.

Whoo!

Failing Fred passed?

That's impossible.

Question 11:
"When must you obey directions

from a crossing guard?"

The answer is C, "at all times."

Vic, what are you doing?

Oh, I don't know, Barb,
just empowering them

'cause I see something special
in each of them.

In fact,

I hereby promote you all

to executive written test takers

because it's just
a made-up title

that doesn't mean anything.

And so is door monitor,
by the way. I know.

The answer to question 12 is A,

as in, "A betrayal
took place here."

You told him
it was a fake promotion?

I did, because he wasn't
fake bossing me around all day.

You totally undermined me.

I guess I did.

Oh, wait,
are you gonna promote me now?

Oh, I see how it is.
You're full of sour grapes

because you didn't get
the promotion, Gregg.

There is no promotion, Barb.

This is about you not handling
an obvious problem.

-I handled it.
-How? You created a monster,

all because you're afraid
of discipline?

Why don't you let me manage?

Why don't you learn
how to manage?

VIC: The next answer is C,

for "conflict."

The answer to number 21 is C.

Look, Barb, I'm just saying,

sometimes
managers have to be tough.

You want to see me tough?

Oh, I can be tough.
You want to see Barbed Wire?

Watch this, Gregg.

Hey, Vic. You're suspended.

S for "suspension."

You just got Barbecued.

[sighs]

Hey, Noa, there you are.
How's it going?

Yeah, yeah. Good. Not great.

-[gasps] His lips.
-I see it now.

They look like
a baboon's private parts.

Everything's just
a little itchy, but...

Noa, what did you say
you were allergic to, again?

Um, penicillin
and cayenne pepper.

-[whispering]: Cayenne pepper.
-What about it?

-It's in the nail stuff I put on his flute.
-Harmonica.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
you poisoned him.

I didn't poison him.
You poisoned us

with all of your kindness,
okay? Calm down.

It's just his lip.
He's got two of them.

-[shouts]
-[gasps]

You know what?
I think it's passing.

-The face.
-Oh, my God.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving E76

at window number three.

[sighs]

-[phone rings]
-Oh, hey, bro.

I can't really talk right now.

I was just calling
to see how you're doing.

Whoa, that ambulance is on fire.

Are you driving?

Yeah, I'm trying to.

This yellow car
keeps sideswiping me.

[grunts] Yeah!

He just flipped over.

Wait, are you playing
video games?

Yeah, come over.

No, I'm at work.

I'm doing both of our tests.

How rude of me, man.
I'll let you go.

I thought you'd be more upset
about getting suspended.

What, for paid vacation?

You're being paid?

I don't know
what I could have eaten.

I only had a kale smoothie.

Yeah, and you didn't think
to clean the blender.

I'm just gonna have
a little lie-down. [grunts]

-CECI: Oh, my God.
-COLETTE: Oh, my God, he can't breathe.

-He can't breathe.
-Um...

COLETTE: Okay. Uh, th-there's an
EpiPen in the, in the...

-First aid.
-Oh, where's that, where's that?

-There! There.
-[gasps]

Noa. Hey, hey, come on.

Stay with me. Noa?

There's so much gauze.

Tweezers.
I'll put these aside for you.

-No.
-There's no time to argue!

Okay. Got it.

-Got it, got it.
-Okay, we got to be quick,

-'cause these...
-[gasps]

[gasps]

[moans]

-Ooh.
-Are you okay?

You're having
an allergic reaction.

I'm okay.

[laughs]

Oh, my God. You guys saved me.

Well, it-it was all,
it was all...

Colette. It was all Colette.

-[sighs] Colette.
-Yeah.

-Thank you so much.
-Yeah. Oh... Mm-hmm.

-Thank you.
-Yes.

Oh, good. Mm-hmm.

I feel good.

I should go
to urgent care, though.

I'm just, I'm just making sure
that you're steady.

You know? Big guy.

I'm feeling, feeling good.

You are feeling...

You know what?
I'm actually feeling great.

-Uh-huh. -Just walk.
-Okay.

Okay.

[stammers]

Why did you say
that that was all me?

Ugh, it could've been me
in that hug.

I could not take another second
of his disgusting gratitude.

Besides, I figured you wouldn't
mind scoring a few Noa points.

That is very kind, Ceci.

I'm extremely kind.

And now you can do
something kind for me.

Okay.

Oh, no.

-Are you sure?
-Yeah.

The bees are dying.

I know.

Wow.

Wow.

CECI: Thank you, Colette.

GREGG: Barb,

I don't think Vic's suspension

is really hitting home.

Don't even get me started.

You have no idea
how much paperwork it takes

to get someone suspended
from a government job.

-[device beeping]
-[groans]

Come on, old girl.
Don't do this to me.

All right, let me check.

When I dreamt of being
head honcho, I didn't think

about all the hard stuff
I'd have to do.

I was simply seduced
by the prestige

of being DMV branch manager.

Ah, yes, the true apple
in the Garden of Eden.

But for what it's worth,
I think you're doing

a good job so far.

We both know
you don't mean that.

Look... being in charge
is not easy.

I remember
when I started teaching,

someone once said to me that

"there are no bad students,
only bad teachers."

But we both know
that there are tons of bad kids

and we got one of the baddest.

It's like nothing
gets through to Vic.

He is a real pant-load.

Right? I mean,
you give him a carrot,

and he turns it into a stick
and then uses it against you.

You give him a stick
and he eats it.

Remember that one time
he called in a b*mb threat

-to watch a UFC match?
-Yeah.

Remember when he jammed
the copy machine

with his Velcro tie?

I don't remember
that one, but...

Oh. [exhales sharply]

[laughs] Ugh.

[groans]

I have to figure out
a way to deal with this guy.

I got to figure out why

I don't hate this
as much as I should.

Hmm.

Vic, I'm restoring your title,

but you can't boss Gregg around

because he's also been promoted.

Yep, we are both co-executive
driving examiners.

-Yeah.
-VIC: But it's a fake title.

Yeah, we know that,
but there's one person

who doesn't know that.

There you guys are.

I've been looking for you.
You've been hanging out in here.

Glad you could join us, Colette.

There's been
some recent developments,

and Greggory and I have
both been promoted

to co-executive
driving examiners.

Which means
we are now your bosses.

Yeah, that's not
a real thing. Okay.

You're gonna let her
talk to you like that?

We have a whole line of people.
Can we go?

Yes, ma'am.

Good night, everyone.
Take care, Ceci.

Oh, glad you're
feeling better, Noa.

Hey, thank you again for this.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Seriously, don't mention it.

Seriously,
please stop mentioning it.

I actually think I'm allergic

to one of the metals
in it, though.

Yes, that is correct.

I will return this for you.

-I'll send it right back. Don't worry.
-No. No, no, it's okay.

No, no. I must.

I really want to.

-Thank you. So thoughtful.
-You're welcome.

Please get out.
Into the fresh air.

You have a good...

See you in hell, devil flute.