02x01 - Costa Del Crime

[bunniefuu]

MUSIC: The Sun Always
Shines On TV by A-ha

MUSIC FADES IN AND OUT

WOMAN GASPING

WOMAN SOBS

NATASHA: Spain, the mid-80s,

no extradition laws meant it had

become a haven for criminals.

It was the ultimate
lawbreakers paradise.

We had it all - the sports car,
the villa, the shoulder pads.

Me and Albert bought a hotel with
the washed money from the gold,

and started investing in various
legitimate property developments.

Sidney got a new identity,

changed his name to Andrew,
got himself a reggae bar

and some pedalos.

We were building our future.

We were happy.

All we had to do was keep our
heads down and noses clean.

The Baptist and Ronnie
were pulling strings,

driving our business
investments.

Meaning we could leave the
gold secretly stashed away.

I've spoken to the mayor,

and he has confirmed
dinner on Friday.

Great, OK. I will
get everything ready.

Wow! I'm so excited to meet him.

It only matters to the mayor that
this is a profitable venture.

Yes.

But he seems intrigued about
the idea of a... water park.

I'm not sure he knows what it
is. He'll be down there every day

w*nk*ng under his f*cking
beach towel, dirty old pervert.

Well, as long as he
pays his entrance fee.

Oh, he's not a nonce,
is he? What is a nonce?

Oh, erm, a nonce is
someone who wants to...

Um, it's well, you erm...

Don't worry about it. Uh-huh.

Oh, there's one
thing to remember,

there is a pretence that
we must uphold, Natasha.

He must not know
your background,

the source of your
income, so to speak.

That won't be a problem.

No, uh, this ain't my
first rodeo, Mr Baptist.

Or bullfight, as
they say out here.

N... Yeah.

SYNTH-POP MUSIC PLAYS

You all right, boys?
Don't work too hard, yeah?

IN SPANISH:

THEY LAUGH

Right, OK,

so the mayor is coming at
eight o'clock on Friday,

so we'll need to make sure
that everything is perfect.

Are you gonna do
the patatas bravas?

Oh! Mummy's in business
mode again, isn't she?

Is someone hungry for
potatoes bravas, hey?

Are you finished down there?

You gonna come back up and
talk to me? What? What?

Its patatas BRR-avas. I know.

Roll your R's though,
cos it's polite.

I know how to do it. Yes,
yeah, I am. Potatoes bravas.

BRR! I know. Well, practise.

Ruh. RRR! Ruh! Keep,
yeah, practise at it.

I will practise, Tash, OK, fine.

Anyway, I was thinking, erm,

might be nice to have me
at the dinner as well.

No, you are helping so
much by being back here,

making sure the food is amazing.

Ah, thanks.

I need to show them that
I am strong and in charge.

Yes, but it might be nice
for them to know that I'm

a little bit in charge as well.

CONDESCENDINGLY: Oh, no!

I could pretend
to be the waiter.

That would be so weird, Albert.

OK. Well...

OK. Rraaah. Brrah-vas.
Patatas bravas.

REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS

SPEAKING SPANISH - Camila.
- Yeah?

See that?

Definition. Wow, you look great.

That's just from lugging
around the pedalos over there.

Yeah, very good.

Yeah, it's like a
natural workout.

Best shape of my
life, to be honest.

You should see some of
the looks I'm getting

from the mamacitas on the beach.

One of them was topless,

which I'm... all for.

How do you say, "Do you
want to go for a drink?"

Podemos ir a tomar algo?

Que de sida tomato valgo.

Te gustaria ir a tomar algo?

Algo? What's that?
That's not tomorrow?

No, no. Cos I'm
not free tomorrow.

Don't worry, it's OK. Smile.

Yeah, everything's all
good here. Perfect.

Bye.

Oh, hey! Jesus Christ!

Andrew, the main man.

I see you've got the g*ns
out and everything, huh?

Well, thanks for noticing,
it's all the pedalo lifting.

How's business?

Oh, really good actually.
Yeah, really good.

That's on the house, if
you haven't already paid.

In which case, I'll get
you a refund immediately.

What's 20% of f*ck all, Andrew?

That's rhetorical, isn't it?

Cos that's what I'm
getting at the moment,

20% of f*ck all.

Now, do I look like the type
of bloke that would be happy

with 20% of f*ck all?

I'll answer that one. No.

I'm gonna put the word out,

fill this f*cking place
with chaps and faces.

What do you reckon?

Er, yeah. I mean...

That's interesting.

Good... Good ideas
being thrown around.

Or, I dunno,

we could do a sort
of version of that

where it's sort
of more exclusive,

if you want, maybe, I dunno.

Sort of less people.

Who set you up
down here, Andrew?

S... Er, you did, Ron.

That's f*cking right.

I did.

And don't you forget
it. Do you get me?

Yep.

Good lad.

MICK: How's that
ping-pong looking?

Look at that floor, lovely work,
you can see your face in that.

Mate, my radio, it's
still not working.

Have a look at it, mate.

Hello, Bovril,
mate, you all right?

Danny! Dom, you all right?

Cyril. Hiya.

Correspondence from my favourite
bit of prison fluff, Dottie.

Have a sniff. Save it.

Ooh! That's nice.

Roses, I could smell roses.

Different. Roses
and strawberry jam.

She's made her sandwich
when she was writing this.

"Dear Mick..." That's me.

"When we get together again,
we will share everything.

"I need to find a way
to get my hands on you."

Like, all over me, I suppose,

like my arms and legs
but also my p*nis.

"I am dying to hear from you.

"The sooner, the better."

Get straight on it then, you
don't wanna keep her waiting.

"Without you I am nothing."

Yeah, she's keen, that's
for sure. Which I like.

Yeah. "Yours, Dottie."

It's quite sexy,
isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Like, I can see everyone here eyeing
it through each other's armpits.

Having a little think of it.

That's what I like
is depth, you know.

Cos to, to get to my p*nis,

you've got to go
through my heart.

I'm very... I'm a romantic.

I like... romance, I
like to be seduced.

It's easy to write filth,

you've gotta write from
the heart and also from...

It's a warning.

What do you mean a warning?
Who's warning me in here?

It seems like Clive Cornell's
put a hit out on you.

He's got someone in here.

Who, who...? Is this you?
Is it? Who is this? Who?

Look, maybe we go back

to our cell. Don't
make a scene, Mick.

I wanna say something, Cyril.

No, Mick. Cyril, Cyril!

Attention all! Paul, Clarky,
stop playing ping-pong, mate.

Put your paddle down.

It's come to my attention
that there's about to be

an attempt upon my life,
to which I say this.

If you come at Big Mick, you
best have had your breakfast.

I'm talking a double
gut-buster, cos I'm game.

I'll have it with
any one of you.

I'll have it with
ten of you at a time!

And to that end,
I say this, mate.

If you wanna get at me, mate,

even to get a chance at
a stab of the big name,

you need to get through Cyril.

You've gotta get through him
first and he's game, mate.

I wouldn't even have it.

He's the one person I'd
actually be scared of in here.

And he's on my side, mate!

So, to get through me, you've
gotta get through Cyril.

You get through him,
you're gonna be exhausted,

and then you've gotta
go toe-to-toe with Mick.

And I will knock
the c**t out of you.

All right? You get that?

Why'd you have to say that?

Laying down a warning, mate.
Very much of the moment.

Almost instantly regretting it.

Eight o'clock is perfect.

And please pass
onto the mayor that

we are very much
looking forward to it.

Si. Muchas gracias.

THE TWINS GIGGLE

Don't you laugh at
Mummy's Spanish!

If tonight goes well,

I'm gonna build you
a waterpark with

the biggest slides
you've ever seen.

Do you want that? BOTH: Yeah.

And what's yes in Spanish?

BOTH: Si.

Muy bien.

And what's "I love you,
Mummy," in Spanish?

BOTH: Te amo, Mummy.

OK, I didn't know that.
You little showoffs.

You all right? What the
f*ck are you wearing?

It's part of my character.

Andrew's into the
authentic Jamaican vibes.

Do people in Jamaica
wear leather waistcoats?

According to the man in
the leather shop, yes.

I need to speak to
you about Ronnie.

I need you to have a word
with him. Ronnie, why?

He wants to open
the bar at night.

He says he's going to
bring all the faces.

I don't want "the
faces," Nat-Nat.

I want my face away from "the
faces" as much as possible.

Sidney, I can't keep fighting
all your battles for you.

We're all trying to be
something we're not out here.

You need to earn some respect
for yourself from others.

Yeah, you're right.

I can't keep running.

Andrew's got to hold his own.

Yes. Andrew, he's a tough
guy, ain't he? Yeah.

Used to be a street fighter.

Exactly.

But also you might need to lose

the leather vest if you
wanna be taken seriously.

You look like a sex tourist.

What's a sex tourist?

My darling, sweet Dottie.

I hope this letter
finds you well,

and smiling and
saucy and beautiful.

I have big news. I am being
moved to Strangeways Prison.

There have been mutterings
of an attempt on my life.

You are the fire
in my loins, girl.

You are the reason I
enjoy masturbating.

Something like that,
you think? Or...?

You... You want me
to write all that?

Maybe. What else could I say?

You make every day...
that bit brighter.

You see me for who I truly am.

Yeah, I like that.
Yeah, put that one.

Yeah? What you said. Yeah?

Yeah, get rid of all that...
All the tugging stuff. OK.

Get it written,
get that sent off.

We'll have a game of draughts
or something like that.

See you in a sec. All right.

CYRIL GASPS

Cyril? Cyril, Cyril, Cyril!

Cyril, stay with me, mate.

Guard! I blame myself, mate.

I partly blame myself.

I shouldn't have brought
you into this, Cyril.

Guard! He's...
Someone's got to him.

Someone f*cking
stabbed Cyril, mate.

You all right, boy?

Cyril? Cyril, love?
Cyril, darling? Cyril?

MUSIC: Love And Pride by King

What are you doing here?

What's it look like I'm doing
here? I'm on me holidays.

Well, that's very nice but...

there's plenty of other places
you could be having a drink.

But then I'd have to pay
for it, wouldn't I, son?

Yeah, well, you'll have to pay

for that here as
well, you know that.

Let me give you a
friendly warning, Albert.

Cos you and I go way back now.

Out here...

you're out of your depth.

A fanpot like you won't
last five minutes.

Do you understand?

I suggest you take the
cell and not the grave.

Well, actually, erm,

I'm not gonna take
the cell or the grave,

because I'm, I'm gonna
take my hotel and,

and my beautiful
family, and we'll...

And have a happy life
with our hotel, actually.

And I'm not a
fanpot, by the way.

And I'm gonna take your beer

now, because... SAUNDERS
SLAMS HIS HAND DOWN

BUZZER SOUNDS

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

All right, Dave, mate.

I see Chelsea won again.

You're doing all right, mate.

You could, you could win
the league this year, Dave.

Outside the gates,
is it all right?

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

Here we are. Best
table in the house.

Shall I get us a bottle of wine?

Vino tinto or vino blanco?

What would you prefer, Alcalde?

Champagne.

Si. De nada. No problemo.

SHE LAUGHS

Excuse me, por favor.

Albert, Saunders is here.

Yeah, I know. I was gonna see
what you thought we should do.

Waiting to see what I
thought we should do?

Well, I'm not exactly gonna
invite him in for nibbles, am I?

You need to get rid of him.

No, no, cos he might arrest me.

No, he can't arrest you.
He's got no power out here.

Oh, perfect then. Maybe we just
leave it and see how it pans out,

cos if he can't
do anything and...

What if he starts mouthing
off in front of the mayor?

It'll ruin everything. You
said you wanted to help.

Yeah, I did. And you said I was

helping with the
potatas brav-bravas.

Just get rid of him.

HE SIGHS f*ck's sake!

Patatas bravas.

Lo siento. Perdon.

IN SPANISH:

Si... Si, claro.

Si, si, por supuesto.

Piscina. Swimming pool. Claro.

Look, we are aware that you
have strong connections to

the water company...

Don't, you can
continue in Spanish,

I'm following, I'm following.

Our business model forecasts

a 30% operating profit
margin, year one,

40% year two...

OK, are we continuing
in English? Yeah?

Plus, you will
receive a gesture of

good will at the
end of every month.

Which will be money.

Dinero.

♪ Woman can't you see... ♪
We've all had a great time,

it's just that we
don't have tabs, mate,

so we do, do need to settle up.

I told, I told you,
I'm good for it, son.

I know, but... Don't worry, man,
I'll f*cking sort you later on.

I'll be a lot less worried
if you just sorted it now.

I've got money falling
out of my arse, son.

I'm not seeing any falling
out your arse right now, mate.

I'll sort you. Well, I'm afraid
that's not the way of the...

The policy of the bar, so
we... Come on! Do nae be...

Silly c**t slap, silly
c**t bash, silly c**t slap.

Do ya know what I mean?

I'll see you next Tuesday...
Is there a problem?

There's no problem,
I'm f*cking leaving.

Yeah, but technically he hasn't
paid. So, I'm trying to...

I've told ya I'm f*cking good.
What the f*ck is your problem?

Get on your f*cking knees.
There's no need for violence.

Get on your f*cking knees!
THE MAN GROANS IN PAIN

Yep. Tell him who you are.

I'm Andrew... Andrew Canesten.

He's one of my boys.

I'm sorry, Ronnie,
man. I'm sorry, pal.

Right, tell him who
owns this place.

All right, yeah, erm...

This is my bar!
And I will not...!

I will not... stand for
this behaviour, all right?

Kick him in the face.

Kick him in the face?
Please, Ronnie, mate.

I didn't f*cking know.
Shut the f*ck up!

Right, kick him in the face.

You know, it's half your
bar, so if you wanted

to kick him in the face...
Kick him... in the face!

Ah, do you know,

normally I would, Ron,
but I'm wearing sandals.

Right.

RONNIE SCREAMS

Very nice. And then I'll just...

So... He'll wake up
with sand in his eyes.

Don't you ever f*ck'
embarrass me like that again.

Right? Yep.

What are you f*cking looking at?

Oh, there you are. I
wanted to find you,

cos I didn't want to have to do
this in front of everyone in there

and make a massive scene.

But I'm gonna need you
to take your leave,

cos I've had just about
enough of you for one night.

Is that right?

Yeah, it is right. It's...

What the hell are you
doing here anyway?

What do you think I'm
doing here, Albert?

Hm? You really thought
that you could just run off

to Spain and that's it?

You're even thicker than I
gave you credit for, son.

We both know that
you stole the gold.

And I'm gonna f*cking
get you for it.

Well, I'm sorry to
break this to you, mate,

but you can't f*cking
touch us out here.

You wanna bet?

Do you wanna bet, more like,
was gonna be my question

to you. Do you... Cos
I'll... I love betting.

I bet till the cows
come home. And then...

And I can do it all night

and then back into
the daytime again.

And guess what?

The cows will come back out
and I'll still be betting.

Well, come on, then... Oh...

big man. Put your hand
there, let's have a bet.

Go on, then, bet me. I'm
not scared, I'll bet you...

Ow!

You can't do that!

Then report me, you mug.

Do you know who you're doing
business with? Eh, amigos?

They're on the run.

Uh...!

Oh, sorry about that.

Everyone all right for
drinks? All sorted.

NERVOUS WHISPER: What the f*ck?

Erm, bloody... Brits abroad.

What was he talking about?

Oh, he's, erm,
he's a bit mental.

Es muy loco. SHE LAUGHS

Had a few too many drinks,
methink. And who, are you?

I'm... I'm the waiter.

And where did you say
your got your money from?

Erm...

I masterminded the biggest
gold robbery of all time.

THEY LAUGH

Ah, funny girl!

LAUGHING: Where did
I get my money from?

No, no, I'll tell ya,

I married an old, rich man,

and then when he died,
he left me everything.

LAUGHING: It's like my wife!

Women!

What?

Si?

NATASHA CHUCKLES

TYRES SCREECH, LOUD CRASH

MAN OUTSIDE: Hands where
I can f*ck' see 'em!

You, get out. Hurry up, let's
go! Hands where I can see 'em...

Don't get out,
mate. Don't get out!

Stay in the car, he can't
hurt you in the car.

On your knees!
Hands on your heads!

Oi, mate! He's got kids.

Get out! Go!

You, on your knees.
Gimme the keys.

You, who's got the keys?

Don't f*cking look at me.

Hurry up! Let's
f*cking go! Quick!

Don't sh**t me, all right?
I'll do anything, mate.

I'll be your sl*ve.
Listen to me, listen,

I'll give you anything
you need, mate.

Whatever they're paying
you, I'll double it, mate.

I've got gold. Gold, mate.

What? Let's go.

Nah.

It can't be.

Phil? Is that you, Phil?

Yeah, obviously.

I thought you was dead.

Can't k*ll me, mate.
I'm b*llet proof.

Well, actually the
b*llet proof vest,

turns out, it was b*llet proof.

Come on, shut your noise.

All right, all right.

Let's save the emotional
reunion stuff till later.

I've got so much to tell you.

Do you wanna stand
up? It's weird. Yeah?

I know where we can go.

I've been writing to this
beautiful little sort.

My prison fluff.

Now, she's got a place
just over near Rotherhithe.

We can get down there, hide
out, keep our heads down.

Dottie?

How do you know
her name's Dottie?

I am Dottie. That's how I
knew you was moving prison.

You're Dottie? Yeah.

I've been corresponding
with Dottie for months.

Explicit, erotic letters.

That's you? You're
saying that's you?

It was me and I was
writing it in code.

The whole point of a code
is everyone knows the code.

You can't make up a code and expect
people to know a code's a code!

This ain't the time, we've
gotta go. No, this is the time.

We're having this and
we're having it...

You've been playing
with my emotions, mate.

What about the pictures?
Well, it's just angles.

Angles? What was that,
the crease of your knee?

How'd you do that?

How'd you make that
look like a vag*na then?

I tucked it back. What, your
willy? Mate, we've gotta go now.

You, you've got some explaining
to do. I've had a wank over you.

Anyway, let's go get our gold.

Viva... Espana.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

MUSIC: Sembre Una Esperanza
by Enrique Morente