02x02 - Unwelcome Guests

[bunniefuu]

PHONE RINGS

Do you have the targets?

Yeah, don't worry,
I'll find them.

Hang on, did you
leave the door open?

No, I never leave the
door open. Are you sure?

f*ck.

Your pool's freezing,
proper cold. THEY SCREAM

I didn't have no
swimming knickers.

So, it was todgers out, I'm
afraid to say. My apologies.

Oh. Oh, my God, Mick. Bring it
in, boy. That's it. Hello, boy.

I thought you was in the nick? They ain't
built walls that could hold Big Mick, not yet.

Come on, bring it
in, sweetheart. Oh.

Oh, thank God. She
still smells amazing.

How are you... And what is this I see
before me? You in the family way, my girl?

Yeah, it was a bit
unexpected, weren't it?

But it's good news? It's Albert's?
Yeah. We had sex at Christmas.

Oh. Yeah. 100% hit rate.

So, he still has a strong
seed. Well, well, well.

Who is that? That's no-one.

It sounded like...
No, it's not...

Definitely not Phil.
Of all the people in

the world it could
be, it isn't Phil.

Er, I've got lost in
the moment here, mate.

What's my next thing I'm
supposed to do, mate?

Well, you've completely
f*cked it up.

Just give me the
line, I'll say it.

You're supposed to say.
"If you like surprises,

"there's two for
the price of one."

And then I walk out and
say, "Well, well, well."

But the moment's gone now.

It is Phil from before.
Oh, my God. Oh, my.

Yes, he is alive, he is
alive. He isn't actually dead.

Come on. Phil. He is...
he is still a human being.

Oh, I thought you
were dead, mate.

Takes more than a
professionally-trained assassin

to k*ll me, boy.
I'm b*llet-proof.

And also, he was wearing a
bulletproof vest at the time,

which meant that b*ll*ts
couldn't get inside his body.

Well. So, so happy
to see you both here.

This is a lovely home,
ain't it? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Big. We like
it, don't we? Yeah.

Yeah, me and Phil were
saying. It's big, innit?

Yeah. How much was it?

Ooh, her department, isn't it?
Oh, no, we got a really good deal.

Oh, no, it was
still quite a lot.

Well, I know, but property's
really cheap out here.

It was still quite a lot of
money. A little goes a long way.

You guys can stay though,
because what's ours is yours.

Oh. We've got a guest room.
Guest rooms, actually.

We've got quite a few
rooms, so take your pick.

No, there's a normal
amount of rooms.

Stay as long as you want. No.

And tomorrow, you'll have
your own suite at our hotel.

Hotel? What hotel? Oh, we
own our own hotel, don't we?

Yeah. You've got a hotel?
We've got a hotel, mhm. Yeah.

But, it's an investment,
for all of us.

Yeah, it's an
investment piece. Yeah.

Right, because me and Mick
didn't agree to no investments.

I don't know nothing about hotels,
apart from people stay in them.

You were in prison. Yeah.

And we only found out you
was alive five minutes ago.

So, what was I supposed to
do, hold a f*cking seance?

So, you've been spending
our f*cking money, have you?

No, no, no. No, no. Not just us, no.
Sidney's got his own bar as well.

Sidney's got a bar? Oh,
beach bar, yeah. sh*t bar.

It's not a sh*t bar, it's a
bar on the beach. It's a shack.

He's really proud. He's got a
lovely place, you'll love it.

Oh, talking of bars, shall
we show them the bar?

We've got our own bar
built into the house.

Have a little drink, won't
you? I saw it when I came in.

Rustle us up a sandwich,
Tash, there's a good girl.

We'll... catch up
about this tomorrow.

We will catch up
about this tomorrow.

Buenas t*rd,
amigos. Buenas t*rd.

What's that, Snap?

So, Inspector, any
joy with the Fantonis?

I think I might have
found an address.

Not again, English.

That's Detective English.

I told you, it's
none of my concern.

They are not breaking
any laws here.

Oh, is that it?

Don't think I don't know
what you're all about.

Yeah, all this turning
a blind eye, all of you.

You're all creaming off

the top of the pie, ain't
you? The dirty money.

Hey, hey, red face, calm down.

You look like you're
going to explode.

What's that, a bit
of Mickey Duff?

What did he say? Did he
make a joke about me, eh?

You're the f*cking
joke, all of you.

Because you're meant
to be here doing a job,

you're meant to be
protecting people.

You've got a whole
manor of wrong 'uns

running about on this
patch. And let me tell you,

when it goes off, because
it will f*cking go off,

it'll go off like a big
f*cking powder keg. Boom.

You know, we like you, man,
but I think that's enough.

Who do you think you are,
the Wild f*cking West?

Leave.

Bunch of absolute
Tobys, the lot of them.

That's foreign police,
guv, I told you.

You wanted to see me?

I assume you don't
want any books?

Mick Neville is out.

I heard.

That doesn't anger you?

Enrage you?

What can you do?

They have our gold. I want
revenge, I want what's mine.

We need to get out of here.

Patience is bitter,
but its fruit is sweet.

Aristotle. Have you gone doughy?

IN BACKGROUND: f*cking shut up.

If we escape, we'll
always be running.

I don't care. I want out.

So, Sidney and Andrew, you've
got yourself a little bar.

Just Andrew. Yeah,
yeah, it's all right.

It's not all that, to be honest.
We'll have a beer together.

There's much better places.
I want to get down there.

Have a beer and a
laugh, Sid, mate.

Honestly, there's much
better places to go.

I can go with you, we'll
have... No, there's places.

Oi, oi, here he is. Hello, mate.

All right, Albert? Hello, boy.

Gorgeous, look at you. Good to
see you. Oh, I could eat you up.

Oh, didn't forget you, mate.
Great to see you, mate.

Well, I just wanted to take
this moment just to say I'm

so happy for everyone to
be back together again.

He's missed you. In all honesty,
I've been a bit lonely out here.

He has, he has. He's been a
f*cking nightmare, actually.

Well, I've missed you, Albert,
and your silly ways. Lovely toast.

Cheers. Lovely, mate. Lovely.
Oh, Alby, the peppers.

Oh, God, yeah. Spanish beer?

You are going to love these. So,
these are called Padron peppers.

They've become a bit of a
speciality for Albert here.

They have, they have.

Couple of months in Spain,
what have we become?

Basically Spanish. Yeah.

I'll try one of these, yeah.
I like trying new things.

Sid? Not my thing at all, mate.

No? Sit down, Albert. You're going
to wear yourself out in the sun.

Yeah. Oh, here, that's
disgusting. That's yucky.

It's fine, just. Sorry,
Albert, that's... No.

It ain't for me, mate.
Disgusting little thing.

Told you. They taste
like bogeys, mate.

Do you want to try?
Don't like spicy food.

We thought this would
happen, didn't we? Yeah.

We've actually got normal
food. Cheese sandwich.

I don't want it. Mick? I'll have
it, please. Yeah. Thank you.

We want half. Half of
what? The sandwiches?

Half the cash.

Right, well. Phil, it's like
I was saying the other night

the cash is tied up in
the property now, so...

Tash is building a
water park. Is she?

Um, yeah. Er, it's going to be an
amazing investment for all of us.

Er, it's going to be
worth... Millions.

In about ten years. Ten years?

We could be dead in ten years.

Life's short. And if
anyone knows that, I do.

He's talking about when
he thought he was dead.

Remember, when Sid left him
behind? I didn't leave him behind.

Well, you did. He looked
dead. In that time,

Philip actually got
visited by an angel.

The angel said, didn't he,
"Phil, you need to have a plan."

Plan? And the plan is...

Puff. Puff? Yeah.

That's the plan, puff?

First, you get the money,
then you get the women.

No, first, you get the money,
then you get the power,

then you get the women. What
is that? Is that the Bible?

It's our new Bible.
Scarface. Ah.

Hold on. If you boys are going to
start messing around with puff,

then I need to say this right
now you're not coming to

the bar with all that. There is a
strict no-ganga policy at my bar.

Just because it's a reggae bar,

I don't want it
overrun with ganga, OK?

Sidney's right. I've got us
running proper legit out here.

We can't start pissing
around with the goal,

because then we'll be looking
over our shoulders again.

That's what shoulders are for.
We want to do our own thing.

I mean, it's only fair that
we share it out, isn't it?

It's theirs as well. What? No,
Alby, we've talked about this.

What? No, we can't
touch the gold.

We can't touch it, because
then we'll get nicked.

Yeah, I know, but we're
not going to out here now?

So, you know, let's just be fair
and split it and all be happy.

I'm trying to make
everyone happy,

but maybe we should
discuss this later? OK.

We're a team, we've always been. Yeah,
exactly. So, I don't understand why...

It's perfect timing. They've got... Not in
front of everybody. We shouldn't be talking.

If they're getting their cut
of the gold, I want my cut.

I also want half
of the gold too.

It's not half. If there's
half going, I want half of it.

Half is two.

If there's more
than two, then we...

It's whatever the
amount of percentage,

divided by however
many people there are.

There we go. It's only fair.

No-one's touching the gold.
Stop getting involved, Albert.

Hand out your f*cking peppers.

Say cheese.

Oi, oi. Mickey's back.

Yeah, mate. Had a piss, mate.
A piss and a line of boof.

Mick and Phil's arrival, let's
say, rocked the boat a bit,

slightly spoilt the equilibrium
we'd created out in Spain.

Easy. I was talking, you mug.

What am I talking like? It
was a total f*cking sh*t show.

Oi, look at this lad. Have
a seat, take the weight off.

There, look at that.

Talk about the
elephant in your pants.

Making me hungry,
looking at that thing.

The water park plans
were taking shape,

but it felt like they
could ruin it all,

bringing this unwanted
attention from the wrong eyes.

The thing about being

an international criminal
of celebrity nature is,

everyone wants a
little piece of you.

I start getting letters
from all round the world.

A lot of big stars
are writing to me.

Ronnie Kray, Sammy Fox, her
with the big lils out the paper.

Who has the best
handwriting in the world?

Nigel Mansell. The best penmanship
I've seen within my life.

All in my little bum purse.
It's all in my memoirs.

All the... all the letters
will be in there. Here he is.

This is the other one I was
telling you about, Phil.

All right? He's the other
gold robber with me.

We're the main two gold robbers.

Dangerous piece of work.
Don't f*cking give him lip,

good-looking mate,
he'll knock you out.

All right, keep it down.

This fella here, on his own,
breaks me out of prison.

Oh, stop it, don't.

But let's just say, stingers
on the road, sawn-off shotgun.

Albert, he's out here. He runs
this gaff, got the restaurant.

We own this now, we've got here.

And we've got
Sidney's beach bar.

You wouldn't know him as Sidney,

calls himself Andrew now,
because he's wanted, mate.

Career criminals. That's what we
are now, I guess. Now you know us.

I've fought all kinds of
things, soldiers, travellers.

Knocked out a cow when I was
14, mate. Ate it after an' all.

Boys, can I have a minute? Not my
girlfriend, It's my cousin Albert's bird.

Oi, oi. Ha-hey. Wahey.
You all right, girl?

You are looking radiant. Any
chance you could run inside,

grab us some big beers?

I've spoken to Carlos.
Who the f*ck's Carlos?

He's got a villa for you,
high up in the mountains.

Beautiful view, lovely pool,
discreet. How does that sound?

Trying to get rid of us?

No. I just... I didn't
think you'd want to be here

with all the families and
the old people and the,

you know, rubbish magic show.

You have a magic show?

It's, you know, a
rabbit in a hat and a,

you know, woman
getting cut in half.

Actually cut in half?

No, no, Mick. It's
a, it's a kids show.

I don't think they're actually
going to butcher a lady.

I'd like to get to chat with this
half-lady, if that's all right?

I just thought, premium
spot up in the mountains.

Lovely. You'll be so
happy up there, won't you?

Lovely. You want a line of boof?

I'm pregnant, Mick. All
right, fine. I don't know.

Thanks, boys.

She's got something
up her, ain't she?

Mick and Phil, what a
pair of piss-takers.

I'm trying to run a
legitimate business here.

We're... What? We're trying
to run a legitimate business.

All right, Albert, it's
just a turn of phrase.

Yeah, all right, fine. Well... Well,
we can just talk to them tonight then.

Ah, no, I've got
Spanish lessons tonight.

So, I'll have to do it tomorrow.

No, you won't have
to do anything.

I can do things
as well, Tash, OK.

I'm... I'm capable. I'm
a, I'm a capable man,

that's capable of doing
things on my own, OK? Right.

No, he can't keep coming in here.
You need to tell him to leave.

Yeah, I know, but
I tried to do that,

and then this happened.
So, let's just, you know,

I think this all can just play
out naturally and, and... Fine.

No, Tash, where you going? Don't
embarrass me. Please, Tash.

Tash... Tash.

Oh, here she is. Ma Baker.
Albert looks like a panda.

Hmm... don't make this awkward.

It's already awkward, Tash.

Stop bullying Albert.

We're trying to run an
honest business here.

Honest? That's rich,
coming out of your mouth.

I sit where I want.

See those two over there?

Ola. They're police officers,
they're on my payroll.

So, I suggest you leave now,

before I make this
really f*cking awkward.

You've grown some
bollocks, ain't ya? Mm.

There's nothing I hate worse than
bent Old Bill. Get out the way.

Don't think you can hide behind
her apron strings forever,

Fantoni, do you hear
me? You're a plum.

Get your hands off me.

That's a bit muggy, mate, getting
your wife to turf him out.

Shameful, really,
Albert. Very shameful.

Andrew! How are you?
All right, boys.

f*ck sake.

Go on, son. Hello,
mate, you all right?

Oi, oi. Ronnie Gatlin,
mate. It's Ronnie Gatlin.

That's Ronnie Gatlin, that's
Ronnie. You're definitely... OK.

Be cool, be cool. I am cool.

Britain's most wanted, eh?
Guilty as charged, mate.

Technically, we both
are. Phil Pocket.

Let's get you two boys a drink.

Get these boys a drink
over here, please.

Well, you've come to
the right place, lads.

We're invisible here.
Welcome to f*cking nowhere.

I like that, mate.
I like that, mate.

This is something else,
this gaff. It's nice, yeah.

Liking it a lot, mate.

So, big man, how you getting
on with your newfound fame?

The best, mate. I'm
actually writing my memoirs.

Thinking about getting
my Equity card, mate.

Going into the acting
game, like, you know?

f*cking hell, it's like
having a c*ck up my arse.

I wish. Tell me about it.

So, Ron, we want to get into drug
smuggling, heavy duty amounts.

Run a bit of puff, Ron, mate.

Puff is yesterday's news, lads.

There's other commodities you
can be getting involved with.

Cocaine. Cocaine? We
love the boof, mate.

On a social, we have a
little... love a little.

We now like to call it is yayo.
Why are we calling it "yayo?"

No, that's what
it is in Spanish.

Nose candy, marching
powder, jibber-jabber,

monkey chuff, spanner juice.
Call it what you want.

Do you know what
I call it? What?

The future.

This is all sounding very
Scarface. I am loving this.

Yeah.

Oh, he's leaning
in. Mick, lean in.

The DEA are cracking down on any
shipments that are coming across

the border, from
Colombia into Mexico.

That means that Spain is
going to be the gateway to

the lion's share of the
world's cocaine. Nice.

We're in Spain,
aren't we? We are.

Yes, we are. Um, what are
you doing hanging around?

Um, yeah. No, I was just.
I was just cleaning up.

Er, boys, if you are

going to have these
clandestine drug chats,

could you just keep
it down a little bit?

All right, Mother Hubbard.

It's a lighter. Just a
bit of fun, isn't it?

Did your mum buy you
that for Christmas, son?

No, I got it from a man on the
beach. He sells watches as well.

Now, the difference
between hash and cocaine?

Cocaine, you make your
money over, ten times. Nice.

And the thing about the
Colombian cartels in Medellin,

the thing they love more than
anything else in the world, gold.

Right.

Now, if I just knew a
couple of chaps who had

a mountain of gold,

who were looking to get
into the drugs game.

You do, Ron. Us, mate.

That's who we are, mate.
We have gold. Yeah.

We want to get into
the drugs game.

You've just described us.
That's why we're meeting you.

Without knowing it. Yeah.

That's amazing. Yeah.
Everything you wanted is here.

So, what I'm thinking if we
trade the gold for cocaine,

then we can make ten
times as much in cash.

That is f*cking genius. I know.

He's got you, ain't he?
I mean, you know what.

I thought you was clever,
but he's clever, ain't he?

You know what, it just
comes to me. Oi, oi.

Couple of the old cheeky
tequilas for the lads.

What happened to your eyes?
Tash catch you w*nk*ng again?

No, no, no, no. Good
one, Ron. Good one, Ron.

No, I... In all honesty, I
haven't actually wanked recently.

Erm, there's been a few
issues with the locks on

the bathroom doors,
let's put it that way.

Albert, if you could
just give us a minute?

We're just in the middle of a deal.
Big criminal deal going on, mate.

Quite a criminal thing,
so. Not for straight-goers.

Straight-goers, yeah?

I'm as bent as they
come, mate, all right?

I've had enough of this.
I want to know everything.

What's this about, the puff? Yeah,
they've already run it by me.

Cocaine.

Cocaine? There's actual.

Right, OK, that's
interesting. Um...

We're going to meet
the Colombian cartel.

Oh, are we? OK. Oh,
f*cking hell, that's.

Cool. Um, yeah, that's
an interesting angle.

Has anyone thought about maybe
starting on puff and see how we go?

Might be a good... Albert,
Albert, my baby boy.

No-one here would judge you
if you were to turn your tail

and sprint down that street,

because you're scared that
Tash will tell you off

for getting involved
in a big drug deal.

Scared, scared? I'm not
scared of my own wife,

I'll have you know, and I'm...
Yes, I'm in, OK? I'm in.

I want to meet their top
man. Mm, and so do I.

Pablo Escobar, is that
top man enough for you?

Um... That's. Yeah, is...

What's he like? Nice geezer,
like? One of your own?

He's the most terrifying man
I've ever met in my f*cking life.

We ain't touched them
since we got here.

We don't tell Tash about this,
all right? This is our thing.

Oh, yes.

Perfect.

OK, and that is all for tonight.
Goodnight, buenas noches.

ALL: Buenas noches.

Hey, do you want
to go for a drink?

I mean, I'm not really, technically,
supposed to be drinking,

but I can have a couple.
Don't tell the taxman.

Oh, I've got my other
half picking me up. Oh.

He'll be a moaning prick if he's
travelled for nothing, but another time.

Yes, I need girl time. I
mean, I've got the twins,

but they're nine. So. You
should come and see the villa.

Yeah. I'd love to
have a look around.

We've got her.

Good work, Thread.

♪ I've got a chip on my
shoulder with your name on it

♪ Knock it off

♪ So don't just stand there
fooling if you don't want it

♪ Knock it off

♪ Baby, make your move,
step across the line

♪ Touch me one more
time, come on, dare me

♪ I wanna take you on,
I know I can't lose... ♪