02x03 - All Roads Lead to Pablo

[bunniefuu]

Living a life of crime
is like a sandcastle,

you can build it
as high you want,

but the tide could take
it away at any point.

You never knew when,
living in constant fear.

Not knowing if the people around
you were pals or new enemies.

Who's working for who?

Who is lying to who? Who's
a friend? Who's a foe?

And who's the sleeping enemy
you didn't even know about?

Vamos.

OK. Lovely palm trees.

Yeah, have you got, like,
a sprinkling system or...

Looks like it's
just rainfall, mate.

Do you get much rain here?
In England, lots of rain-o.

Um, I'm going to
have to ask them if,

if, if I can call
Tash, just because

I always let her know when
I arrive safe and sound,

she'd think something's
up if I didn't call.

You're going to ask Pablo Escobar
if you can call your missus?

That's f*cking muggy, mate.

What do you think he'll say if I ask
for a bit of food, maybe? Some snacks?

How can you be hungry now?
Yeah, stop talking about food.

We're about to do the
biggest deal of our life.

I'm starving. I mean,
we've had a 22 hour flight.

We've had a three hour drive
here. I've not had a morsel, mate.

I'm, I'm... I feel lightheaded.

Caballeros.

Les present Pablo Escobar.

Ola. Hi. Er, Phil
Pocket, El Capitan.

Hello, Pablo. El Micko.

I, King Plumstead.
You, King Columbia.

But, I'm still the
leader. He is leader.

Stop, stop. Um, hello.
Sorry, Mr Pablo, sir.

Um, I am Albert Fantoni.

Um, nice to meet you and a
very well tended to garden.

Um, really impressed with that.

Um, any chance I could use your
phone, telephone, by any chance?

I... I need to, talk
to my associates.

Vamos. Yeah? OK, thank you.

Albert, see if you can find any
snacks. Some toast or something.

Sit down. I just wanted
to say I like the Uzis and

pagers that all
of your men have.

Did you buy from Rumbelows or
maybe an independent retailer?

Pablo, I get
picture? Me and you?

I need photos of the
people/characters I meet.

So, I'll stand with
you, get a picture.

Sit down. That's the whole reel.

The whole reel. All of my
photos, all of my good work.

I don't... I don't
think he speaks English.

Where is the gold? Oh,
he does speak English.

Get the gold. I'm getting
it. He's got the gold.

You want, like, gold?
How's that for gold, mate?

OK, this is the... The gold.

Queen's finest
gold. We have lots.

This high, as tall as
Mick... Mick, stand up.

Yeah. This high.
High as me, of gold.

Shiny gold for Pablo.
Good gold? You like gold?

Do you want us to
come with gold?

He's like a little magpie,
the way he's taken it.

I can't believe that vicious
little b*tch broke my camera.

Are you going to
stay there? Yeah, OK.

It's... Ah, OK. Um...

So, eight slides in total?

Well, seven, plus the
corkscrew and the lazy river.

Do you swim? Have
you got trunks?

Sorry, I'm imagining,

I'm imagining the trunks
that I'd probably wear.

Speedos. Because European
men, they often wear a Speedo.

PHONE RINGS You know, the little,
small ones. Do you have those?

Please pick up the phone.

It'll just be Albert.
I'll be a minute.

Natasha Fantoni.

Hi, Tash. Er, it's
just Albert here.

That's just the golf Jeeps

you might hear them in the
background, the golf buggies.

Um, and I'm just checking
in, like I always do.

Just... just letting you know
that the golf's going well,

because, you know, I'm
really, really enjoying it.

And... And the grass, I've got to
tell you, it's really, really...

Do you need me for something or
are you just... Oh, no. No, no.

Just... just letting you
know that I've checked in.

Er, go have fun with your mates.
Just get a hole-in-one or something.

Er, I love you. Yeah, bye.

Buenas t*rd. What are you doing
here? This is... it's fully legit.

You can't get me for
anything out here.

My name's Andrew now.

Well, I'll have a nice whisky,
on the house, of course, Andrew.

Tash says you haven't got
any authority out here.

So, I don't have to
do anything you say.

Oh, but you will. You see,

I know the fella that you're in
part-ownership with in this bar.

Goes by the name
of Ronnie Gatlin.

Whisky, yeah? Thank you, Andrew.

Yeah, it would be
shame, wouldn't it,

if Ronnie was to find out
that you was a cat's arse now,

wouldn't it, Sidney?

He would k*ll me, you know that.

The last fella that
Ronnie got wind of went by

the name of Frankie Cobbs.

Ronnie breaks into
his flat one night,

sits down and waits for him.

Frankie comes home and Ronnie
puts a g*n to his head,

tells him to take
down his strides.

Then he pulls out
a Karambit knife.

You ever seen one of
them before, Sidney?

Yes.

Yeah, it's got a claw on
it, like a... like a tiger.

And he asked Frankie to stand
up, bend over. Oh, f*ck.

Then he proceeds to cut all

the tendons on the
back of his knee.

Oh, to be fair that's...

Not as bad as what I was
imagining, because I was...

Poor sod, couldn't
stand up straight.

Had to spend the rest
of his life sat down.

Yeah, that is a pain.

Hm? Look, what do you want?
What... what is all this?

Let's stop all the dancing around
and the long-winded stories.

I want you to wear
a wire, Sidney.

A wire?

Well, is there another option?

You're all out of options.

You work for me now,
do you understand? Heh.

Evening. All right? All
right. All right, mate?

That's... Oh, hello.
All right, girls?

All right. Hello, all right?
All right? All right, mate?

There's quite a
lot of people. Heh.

Get a little drink or something.
Anything, I wouldn't mind.

All right, lads? Ah, hello.

Pablo would like to see you.
Oh, perfect, we're ready.

Solo. Ah, no. Um, we
always, go together.

Just you. Er... Did
he say just you?

Yeah, no, because I...
You two, go with him.

OK. Vamos, vamos. All right,
all right. Vamos. All right.

HE MUTTERS UNDER BREATH

Oh, my f*cking world.
You're kidding me?

Oh, mate. A f*cking
boof room, mate.

This is a. Well, call it
yayo. Don't be disrespectful.

We love this,
mate. We love yayo.

Look at this, all this boof. I
suppose it's like raining profit.

Look at that, a
boof tractor. Wow.

Is that a boof tractor?
You all right, lads?

Yes. This is it, mate.

Oh. OK, boys? Nice,
yeah. Love this.

May I have a pinkie dip?

Little pinkie dip for Mick.

Good, yeah? Oh, straight away,
I feel that in my left eye.

I'm going to get proper involved,
yeah? Better than the pub grub.

Pub grub? We call sh*t boff pub
grub, sh*t boff. That's good boff.

Woah, woah, woah.

You all right, you all
right? You all right?

Yeah, I'm all right. Are you?
Yeah, I'm all right. You OK?

Yeah. Yeah. Here,
he likes that, mate.

Good? Good boff.

It's very strong.
You all right, yeah?

f*cking hell, no,
mate. No, no, no,

that's gone straight
through me, mate.

You need a sh*t? My
arsehole's going for a walk.

Um, Gustav.

Er, how do I say?
Er, my arsehole,

gone for a walk. I need poo-poo.

Poo-poo? Cocaine in nose,
through, boom. You have toilet?

Toilet? I need toilet.
Toilet, toilet. Vamos.

Oh, f*cking thank Christ.
It's hard out here, mate.

Mate, I'm f*cking
in bits here, mate.

I can use a bush, mate,
if I have to. Just...

I like you. Oh, I like you too.

Oh, OK. Yeah.

You look like me.

Oh, thank you very much.
That's... it's a compliment.

You're a... you're a very handsome
man. So, I should be so lucky.

How many doubles? Doubles?

When I know there will
be an attempt on my life,

I send them to die for me.

Oh... right.

How much gold
bullion do you have?

Ooft. Loads, if I'm
honest. Just lots of bars.

Er, hard to weigh
them. Er, what's,

is it the metric system
you use out here, or...

A kilo of product for
us is 5,000. Right.

We are moving in fifties at 225.

We can move to 100, at 45,
minus transportation costs.

Ah, yeah, that's a lot
of, a lot of numbers.

I'd have to get that verified.

Why should I trust you?

Um, why should, um,

oh, I haven't really
thought of that.

Um, no reason to. No, no,
reason not to, I mean.

Hm.

Salud.

Salud. Salud.

There you go, babe.
This is nice, innit?

Best restaurant in
Spain, lovely ambience.

Well, it's better than the
two Puddings in Stratford on

a Saturday night.

I used to love the Two Puddings.
Full of wrong 'uns, though.

Sounds about right, that's
where I met my husband.

Hang on, who's your husband?
I probably know him.

Billy. Billy who?

Grapes.

Billy Grapes? I bet I'd
know him, if I saw him.

No, you wouldn't. No, you'd...
you definitely wouldn't,

because he just... he
looks so different now.

Really? Yeah. Because he's
had his whole face sort of,

reconstructed in America.

Because of his line of work.
What's his line of work?

Well, I don't want you thinking
any less of me, of us, you know?

Oh, there's no saints out here.

How else would sh*t-kickers
like us be living this life?

Do you miss it, home?

I miss my old man.
We were really close.

Oh, you're lucky.
Mine's a prick,

treated parenting like a hobby,
and my mum weren't much better.

Well, I guess you've got
your brother, though.

I haven't got a brother.

I... I thought you
said you did. Nah.

I did have a brother,
but he's dead now.

f*ck, I'm... well...
I'm sorry about that.

I need a piss. Yeah, all right.

f*ck.

We're underwater for
about five minutes in

the Pacific Ocean, holding
my breath the whole time.

I'm just having a
little, gentle bob about,

quite enjoying myself, letting
the salt soak into my skin.

And then I see it, a big c**t
of a shark coming towards me,

eyes black with death.

Can I sit there? I
can't really hear Pablo.

Pablo ain't saying nothing,

he's just listening to
the story about the shark.

Just chill out, mate.

You look like you're eating
an invisible sandwich.

Just hold it, hold it down.
Just, just relax, while the...

Another drink? Oh, yes,
please. Mm, thank you.

You want to go with
her? Me? Oh, no.

No, you should go with
her, have some fun,

and then me and
Pablo can have fun.

I'm... I'm not going
to go with her.

I mean, not that I wouldn't
like to, of course, you've...

Beautiful dress and very sexy.

What's the problem? Oh,
no, there's no problem.

I'm married, you see?
That's right, yeah.

You don't like my gift?

Gift? What game are you playing?

Um, I'm... I'm not
playing a game.

Good. LAUGHTER

That was good.

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

Er, what? Oh, you want
me to go with you now?

Go. Are you sure don't want
to maybe finish your shift

and see how you feel?
Go. OK. Right, OK, then.

Enjoy it, Albert,
mate. Enjoy the show.

So funny, so funny he said that.

Oh, are you having a good
night, Pabs? Pablo, sorry.

THEY SPEAK SPANISH

Pablo would love to watch you
get punched in the stomach.

What's he saying? Was it
watch you get punched?

Er, yeah, Pablo would like

to see me get punched in
the stomach. Oh, yes? OK.

Vamos. Yeah.

THEY SPEAK SPANISH

Do you want me? Does anyone
want me to do anything?

Is there any rules
to the punching in

the stomach game that I
should know about, or is that?

Muy bien, muy bien. Do
you want to punch me?

That's a nice punch.

So, right.

You can punch me in
the face if you want?

What's the f*cking point?

Thank you. Gracia.

Phil?

This is the men's. Why
are you following me?

You're following me. Who
are you? Are you Old Bill?

No, no, I'm nobody.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What do you want, nobody?

That's ill*gal.

Why have you been taking pictures
of me? "David Nelson, reporter."

OK, I'm covering a story.

A story? What story?

Everyone's going to
know what you did.

It's very calm out
there tonight, eh?

Oh, yeah, she's calm.
Lovely, moon tonight.

I wonder if any bodies
are buried out there?

Probably loads. I
mean, you've got...

scuba divers whose
air's run out...

swimmers caught
in the riptide...

submarine captains.

Skinny-dippers, you get them round
here sometimes, not tonight, sadly.

There was a bloke looking for you
the other day. I don't know anyone.

Specs, curly hair, ginger.

Scruffy.

It's not ringing any bells.

OK.

Oh, my god.

Mm-mm. No, you can't do
that. I cannot do this.

I'm married, I'm
married. I have a wife.

Everyone I f*ck has a wife.

OK, well, this is not
morally right, is it?

Well, that just
seems morally wrong.

I need to do my job.

Wait, what? You're a prost*tute?

You thought that I like you?

Yeah, I thought. Because
of what you said before.

I am the bait, like everyone
is dancing to Pablo's tune.

I'm going to f*ck you now.

Oh, God, no. No, no, no, no, no.

I really respect what you do,

and your craft and your trade,

and it's up to you what you
do to everybody, but I...

Maybe we can just pretend.

And we have no sex? Ah,
si, si. Er, we pretend.

I pay you, and we say we had
sex, but you don't have sex.

This is easier for
me. Perfect. OK, then.

Oh, f*cking hell. Not
that I wouldn't want to.

What's the damage,
anyway? I've never really,

it's hard to put a
price on such a...

But also, it's more of
an acting job, isn't it?

Oh. Heh, there you go,
I had the exact amount.

It was meant to be.
Shake on it? Lovely.

Phil... Phil, mate. Phil,
wait up. What are you doing?

Going home. You
can't go home, mate.

Neither of us can drive
a blooming plane, can we?

Phil, stop. Stop, mate.

What's going on, mate?
What's happening there?

Does anyone respect me, Mick?

This is the boof talking, mate.

You've taken too much boof,

and now you're acting
like a silly billy.

Yeah, but when I was
fake dead, like...

everyone just went
back to normal, like...

like I didn't exist.

I missed you every day,
every day you weren't here.

But it's not you. It's,
like, Tash and Albert...

Clive, the police,
Ronnie, and now Pablo.

It's like I'm invisible. This isn't
the way to deal with it, is it?

You've got to go back in there

and make a fair account
of yourself, son. Yeah.

You've got to go back
in there and say.

"I'm here to do a deal, mate."
You've got make a noise.

You've got to let them
know you're there,

even if it means he shoots
you in the face, mate. Yeah.

Wait, do you think he'll
sh**t me in the face?

I would sooner take

the chances of both of us
being shot in the face,

than being eaten alive by elephants
out here in this banana forest.

Do you know, I'm
the f*cking Captain?

I'm sorry, who are you?

El Capitan. I love you, Phil,
mate. Love you too, mate.

Let's go f*cking do a drug deal.
Let's go f*ck Pablo Escobar.

I'm the f*cking Captain,
that's what I am.

You are the Captain, mate.
Captain it up. f*cking El Capitan.

I'm scared here of the dark, Phil, Phil,
wait, mate. That's what I am. Sorry, mate.

Oh, OK definitely.
See you in a bit.

Oh, God. Oh, wow.

Absolutely Grade A top
shelf sex stuff right there.

Anyone got a cigarette?
No problem. Mm.

Oh, all the buttons are undone,
because of the sex we just had.

So, you enjoy yourself? Oh,
God, yeah. Are you not married?

Yeah, but you said
that didn't matter.

So, you're not a loyal man?

No, no, I'm loyal. But you
just f*ck another woman.

Yeah, because. I'm
so confused. You...

OK, look. I'll tell
you the truth, OK?

Er, we went in there, and then
I came up with a plan and said,

"Let's not. Er, I'll pay
you to say we had sex,"

but we actually didn't have
sex. You didn't have sex? No.

So, you are a f*cking liar.

Oh, my god. You
forced me into lying.

I don't know what you want me
to say. What's the right answer?

I test your loyalty. You fail.

OK, I'm really
sorry. Pablo Escobar.

Sorry, that was quite loud.

You all right, Albert,
mate? Everything OK?

Well, not really. They're having
a go at me, now he hates me.

You have all wasted my time.

I'm so sorry. I'm f*cking
sorry, I didn't mean to.

We came here to do a deal.

We have 3,000 bars of gold,

each bar is worth ¤5,000.

Now, to my estimation,

a kilo of cocaine is
also worth ¤5,000.

So, we do a straight
swap, coke for gold.

That's a ¤15,000,000
business conversation.

Are you in, or are you out?

Amigo. Oh, you had
me. Phil Pocket, mate.

Phil Pocket, El Capitan.
Sit down, sit down. Yes.

Oh, my God. I'm... I'm
so sorry. f*ck off.

Great time, mate.

It's strange, when I think back.

I never remember, at
that time, being worried.

I think I was happy,

happier than I'd
been for a long time.

Great to see you. You all right?

But things were unravelling.

Like our bad luck, the curse,
had been unleashed again somehow.

Like an evil genie
coming from a bottle.

But instead of three
wishes, he'd bring pain,

suffering, destruction.

His tentacles slowly
pulling down our dream.

When will it be
published? Monday.

Good, good, good.