02x04 - k*ll the Story

[bunniefuu]

It was one of the hottest days of
the summer when The Sun burnt us.

We hadn't realised

but that reporter had been
following us for a while.

Snapping pictures,
watching our every move.

They named and
shamed us, all of us.

They might as well
have printed a target

and stuck it right on our backs.

And through all of this,

that was the first
time I felt true fear.

The first time I really
knew in my bones.

We are completely f*cked.

♪ You're out of
touch, I'm out of time

♪ But I'm out of my head
when you're not around

♪ You're out of touch,
I'm out of time (time)

♪ But I'm out of my head
when you're not around

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪

Hiya, you all right?
Nice to see ya.

Quite random, of all, of all
places, middle of nowhere.

You're not gonna
k*ll me, are ya?

KNOCKING ON WINDOW

MAN SPEAKS SPANISH Jesus.

Si, por favore.

I don't think we can over
estimate how bad this is, Natasha.

Oh, that, yeah, honestly,
no-one reads The Sun back home,

we've actually got
a phrase for it,

tomorrow's fish and chip paper,
do you know that one? Mm.

They don't say it in Germany?
The Mayor has been in contact.

The Mayor? And how is
he? Is he... is he well?

The deal for the
waterpark is off.

What? No.

Well, he made arrangements

with you when you were
anonymous but this attention,

it doesn't work for him.

f*ck... f*ck. Um, there,
there must be a way we can,

you know, sweeten the deal.

He could seize the
restaurant, the hotel...

it could cost up to a million.

We don't have a million.
Are you sure, Natasha?

Well, we weren't
gonna monetise that.

You need to fix this,
I vouched for you.

Tschuss. Oh.

Gasolina, give me the peseta.

f*cking liberty.

Ola, David, infamous
big Mick Neville,

but you know that, don't ya? Ha.

Thanks for meeting me
as such short notice.

Yeah, of course, er, I wasn't
sure how you'd take the piece.

Well, I loved it,

couple of little fibs in
there mind, a few pork pies.

No. Nothing we can't hash
out with a little chat.

You got your Dictaphone?

Er, oh, of course,
yeah, like a exclusive?

Straight from the handsome
horse's mouth. Come on.

Oh. A bit of music, you like
music there, Davey mate?

Mick loves his pop.
David loves his pop too.

Right, so you know what's,
what's going on here mate,

it ain't a jolly mate,
you're being kidnapped.

It didn't feel like a kidnapping
earlier, we were having a laugh.

That's half the thing
with a kidnapping mate,

lull someone into a perfect sense
of security and joy and then boom.

Do we have to, mate? Can you
make like a suitcase, mate,

get yourself in the boot. Boot?

You can't do a kidnapping
riding up front, mate,

it's off putting, come on,
Dave, mate, get in the boot,

that's what happens
in the kidnapping.

You there, get in
the boot, mate.

Come on mate, play fair here.

Very David Nelson that, mate.

I wanna have a
laugh an all mate,

but this is a kidnapping mate,

I don't need you making it
more awkward than it has to be.

The kidnapping has
officially started now.

There's some peanuts there mate, all
right? If you get hungry. Oh, Mick.

No, no, I don't, I don't know
anything, I don't know anything.

No, no, shh, shh,
shh, it's fine babe,

there's no need to cry.

We've got this, it's
really not that bad, OK?

Oh, it's so sweet of you

to say that Alby but of
course it f*cking is.

Yeah, you're right,
sorry I was lying,

it's really bad, we're
completely f*cked.

The Mayor's gonna take all

the property unless we
bribe him a million in cash.

Jesus crumble.

Where are we gonna
get a million in cash?

I wasn't gonna tell you this till we
ironed this out but. Tell me what?

You know when I said that I went
on holiday golfing to Portugal,

I was actually, er, in the
jungle, er, making arrangements

with the cartel. The cartel?

The Columbian cartel
because basically I was, er,

I was... I was trading some
of our gold for cocaine.

Yeah, I know but one kilo of cocaine
is actually worth 50 grand in,

in the street value so it's
worth more than the gold

and it's all been handled,

in great hands, by this guy
called Pablo so... Pablo?

Er, Pablo Escobar,

a really great drug dealer
so that's... is that OK?

Are you... are you
OK? I love you.

Oh, god. I'm sorry.

Albert. Yep.

Of all the things you have ever
done in your f*cking life... Yep?

This is one of the
sexiest. What? Ever.

Sexiest? I thought
you were gonna...

beat me up. No.

Oh, my god, Albert. Let's f*ck.

Er, oh, OK, wow,
yeah, definitely.

Before we do, er, I've got
one more thing to tell you.

Yeah? Yeah. There's more?

So do you remember that
Pablo Escobar geezer

I was telling you about. Yeah?

For some weird reason
he wanted me to have sex

with this, er,
Columbian prost*tute,

we ended up going to
the back room together

and one thing led to another

and, er, I ended up paying
her to say that we've had sex

but we didn't have sex so and
nothing happened, so that is.

Right.

You... you do
believe me, don't ya?

Of course I believe you.
Sounds exactly like you.

Oh, brilliant, OK well
where were we then?

Sort of, er, ruined
the moment for me.

Well, I can... I can
bring the moment back,

I'm surrounded by ten really
strong cartel members,

some of them had machine g*ns
as well which was pretty bad

and I could've died
for you, you like that?

The moment's gone, Al. OK. Oh.

Right, cassette tape
recording, 11:00 hours,

just doing the washing
up as I normally do,

nothing ill*gal to report

and, er, well I hope you
get what you want mate.

I hope you're happy.

KNOCKING AT DOOR Oh,
a knock at the door,

it's probably, probably
the postman. Ola.

I'm gonna f*cking k*ll someone.

Oh, it's obviously just a thing
that people say for a joke.

Have you seen the paper? Er,
now's not a good time, boys.

I'm barely f*cking mentioned in it,
they don't even use my real name,

they refer to me as a
holidaymaker, what do I look like,

Judith f*cking' Chalmers?

I'm Pablo Escobar's number
two that's what I am.

Again, it could
be an expression.

About to do the biggest
cocaine deal of our lives.

Wa-ha. What, what are
you doing here though?

The press are all over us so
it's the best place to hide. Mm.

We're expecting a
call from Pablo.

I don't know anything
about any of that.

Oh, that's a good
point actually,

we should update him because
it's your gold too. It's not.

What? It is. No, I mean it's not
gonna work is what I'm trying to say.

The phone, not in here.

What? Why... why
wouldn't it work?

Because of the ceiling,

you're better off in an
expansive space away from here,

away from me, well away
from here is what I mean.

Sidney, you've wasted
enough of my time,

come on, Albert, let's go somewhere
else. Yeah, better off somewhere else.

Sorry about that, boys.

Oh, god. Oh, great
bunch of guys,

just, er, messing about

and saying random stuff that
means absolutely nothing at all.

I hope you're doing some
thinking in there, mate.

What? I said you have
some thinking to do, mate.

Mick, I can't hear you if you
bang and talk at the same time.

What? If you bang and talk
at the same time I can't hear

what you're saying. Well,
what I was saying, mate,

is you've got some
thinking to do, right.

You stop following us mate,

you stop taking photos,
you stop writing about us,

if I see you around, I'll k*ll you,
you got that mate? You got it mate?

Yeah, I've got pictures,
I've got pictures,

loads of 'em, but there's other
pictures, incriminating ones,

ones the press would love
to get their hands on.

If you take, Mick, if you
take me back there now,

I'll hand them all
over to you, yeah?

All of them, I promise I'll
never take another one.

Right, OK. So,
that's a deal then.

Yeah, yeah. Good lad. All right.

Let's go back to
your apartment then.

Is it over now? What? The
kidnapping, is it all done?

Yeah, I mean probably
20 minutes, half hour,

this is my first kidnapping, if
it's any longer my apologies.

All right, appreciate that
Mick. Wait, wait, Mick. What?

Can I just... can I
just get a bit of water?

No, no water, mate, but I've got some
more of those peanuts what you like.

Oh, man, my mouth's still
dry from the last ones. Mick.

KNOCKING ON DOOR
Oh, for god's sake.

Boys, I can't have
people just coming in

and, you all right Ron?

Do you want, do you want
me, do you want to come in?

Come in, come in if you want.

Yeah, bloody press.

How's things?

Yeah, good, yeah
great actually, yeah,

the bar's doing really well,
we've got some new crisps,

Salt 'n' Shake they're called,
you get these plain crisps

but then inside the pack
is a little sachet of salt

and you can add as, as,

as little or as much salt as you
want to the crisps for flavour.

What's that?

What? That f*cking wire
sticking out of your pocket.

That's, oh, that's just a
bit of old gardening wire,

I like to carry round a
length of wire with me just

so that I, in case I wanna
do some gardening or.

I hate doing this.

I'm not even f*cking dressed
for it, I'm getting too old

for this game, I tell ya.

Er, for what game?

Cutting your tongue out and sticking
it up your f*cking arsehole.

Sorry about that, turns
out it is possible,

I've been wanting
to do that, ah,

you do have to tuck your
legs on the way down

because you will bump
yourself on the bottom.

You've gotta watch your leg positioning.
Don't make me chase you, son.

Oh, god. Argh.

Hey, you little f*ck.

Get here, you f*cking grass. Come
here, I just wanna talk to ya.

Come here, you big lanky prick.

f*ck it.

Hiya. sh*t, are we going out?
You look like we're going out.

Sorry, did I... did
I get the day wrong?

No, probably not, I dunno,
I just feel like I'm,

I'm having a mental
breakdown. Come in.

You all right?

Oh, my god, I'm so sorry
about all the mess.

It's immaculate, babe.

Theresa? You've been dusting
that piano for hours,

honestly can you do the
kitchen? It looks awful.

Si, si.

That's Theresa, she's an
angel, I love her honestly,

she's more than a
cleaner, she's a nanny,

she's a gardener, some nights
I think she's my only friend

but now I've got you. Oh, my
god, I'm such a mess today.

Did you see the paper
this morning? I did, yeah.

Oh, the whole thing's been such
a nightmare, do you need a drink?

Yeah. I'll get us some drinks.

That is a lovely
little lampshade that.

Oh, thanks, yeah, it's antique.

So here, here we go,
cheers. There you go.

Oh, cheers babe.

So, you're in the gold
robbery business then?

Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Oh, go on, you can tell me.

I've got my own little
stories, you know?

Oh, yeah? I've got my own skeletons
in the closet, I mean we all do.

Go on. Oh, no. You see my skeletons,
they ain't front page news.

Well, yeah.

So, what happened?
Were you there or what?

No, I weren't actually
there. Who was there?

Other people. So, it's
actually all true?

If I tell ya I'm gonna have
to tell you everything,

go back right to the beginning.

Well, I've got all day.

Huh, here we go.

I had this idea. And I
went to the boys... BANGING

One second, I'll be right back.

Ah, bollocks.

What happened to you?

I need to come in Nat-Nat,
it's not safe for me out here.

What? f*ck, it's that Sidney.

What are you talking about?
I am completely f*cked.

What's happened? Well,
it, the thing is...

Ava? Where's she gone?

Where's who gone? That's so weird,
Ava. What are you talking about?

Where are you going? My
friend Ava was just here.

What are you talking
about, Ava? Ava?

You're not listening to me
Nat-Nat, Ronnie Gatlin's trying

to k*ll me. Are you listening
to me? That's so weird.

Stop pottering around.
I'm beside myself here.

Sorry, Sidney, well
what's going on?

Saunders came in, said he's gonna
tell every crim on the coast

that I'm a grass, made me wear
a wire, then Ronnie turns up,

he knows about it somehow,
so he tries to stab me,

says he's gonna cut off my tongue
and shove it up my arsehole.

Up your arsehole?
It's a graphic image.

I really think he's
gonna k*ll me Nat-Nat,

I think he's gonna k*ll me.

I can't get a new identity

because he's the one who got
me this one in the first place.

That is quite bad. Oh, it's bad,
isn't it? I knew it was bad. Argh.

Argh. No mate, I'm sorry
I didn't mean that.

You're right though. He's
gonna k*ll me Nat-Nat.

Breathe. In and out, breathe. Sidney, come
here, come on, listen to me, listen to me now.

I'm gonna get you
out of this somehow.

Dave, mate. Ah, ah, ah, ah.

I can't breathe in here,
I can't breathe in here.

Give us your keys.

This is why you keep your keys and
your valuables in a pocket mate,

not in an handbag, that's why women
are always losing sh*t. Please, please.

Oh, yeah.

Beautiful.

It's too hot. Why are
you wearing a suit?

Because I'm in business
mode, I like to dress for

the occasion when I'm
talking to Pablo Escobar.

All right, well, let's just
find some shade please.

Well, no we can't,

because there'll be something
above us and it'll block the phone.

PHONE RINGS Oh, hold on.

Pabs, it's the captain.

So, er, how's the
weather where you are?

It's f*cking roasting here mate.

I will outline the plan. OK.

He's gonna outline
the plan. OK, OK.

You will pack the gold into
suitcases in the dead of night,

you will load the
suitcases onto a van.

Suitcases, dead of night,
van, nice touch. OK.

We could use the Golden
Palms Tourist Bus.

Not the tourist bus, not
the... that's our hotel's.

OK, Albert says apparently
we can't use the tourist bus.

Don't f*cking...
don't say I said it.

You will drive to the port where
Mr Gatlin will have a boat waiting.

Boats, love boats.
What boat? What boat?

Instead of the bus?
I haven't got a boat.

You will meet the Colombians
at the sea to make the trade.

In the middle of the sea to
make the trade, cool, yeah.

Not at sea, not at
sea. One minute.

I'll fax a map and
the co-ordinates.

OK, adios Pablo.
Wait, let me speak.

Good to talk. Let me speak to him.
Te amo to the family, all right?

Idiotas.

I made us a couple
of bo-ca-dillos.

Dave?

David?

Oh, Jesus Christ, it stinks.

I think he's definitely
dead, right, Albert?

Yeah, I'd say so.

Look at his sad little eyes,
all vulnerable yet adorable,

like a little rabbit cub.

Right, let's get him buried
so we can get back for dinner.

f*cking hell Albert, that's some
gangster sh*t, sort of sh*t I'd say.

Goodbye, old friend.

Evening.

So, where's your brother?
I'm not his keeper.

Then I come in peace.

So, you've invited me for a
wee after hours drink, have ya?

Well, it's not all pleasure,

I've got some business
to discuss with you.

You're looking to trade?

Get your wee baby a new daddy?

It is about its old daddy
now you mention him. Drink?

Well, what's the wee
fanny been up to now?

Well, he's been doing a
deal with some of the gold.

And I know you know about it.

It's not down to me to divulge.

You have a very
confusing moral compass.

Mhm. But I like it.

Now see there is something
I need to tell you Natasha,

that yous have got
a mole in your midst

and it's that brother of yours.

He's wearing a wire,
I saw it myself.

Well, it doesn't surprise me.

Then you know what
I'll have to do then.

Rules of the game.

Got ya. Yes. That's poison,
you just drank poison,

you're f*cking dead mate.
Why is he not dying, Nat-Nat?

Sidney, you dumb f*ck, it
doesn't kick in straight away.

What? Why didn't we
discuss this before?

We should've discussed
this before, definitely.

It takes a while to get in
the bloodstream. Oh, Jesus.

You f*cking rat, come here.

f*ck.

Tash... Tash, get him off
me, this is freaking me out.

I really can't believe
I just did that.

How'd it go with
that journalist?

Oh, yeah, that's, er, it's all sorted
now, how was your night anyway?

Oh, yeah just went to Sid's,
had a few, good to catch up.

Yeah, it's always
good to catch up.

The funny thing is,

the more lies we told
each other seemed like

the closer we became,

bound in bad luck,
destined to fall apart.

But the curse had
truly taken hold.

Help! Help!