(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
(OWL HOWLING)
CHILD: Dakotakid.
I'm here to impart my wisdom
about what I've learned in life.
I'm not going to lie to you.
Or sugarcoat anything
because that wouldn't
benefit either of us.
ALAN: (WITH AMERICAN ACCENT)
You're a miracle.
Yeah. I don't deserve you.
The rich are happier.
There, I said it.
No one will ever love you
more than me.
I will... I will...
I will tear down walls
with my bare hands
if they get in your way.
All that crap about money
being the root of all evil.
Do you know who says that?
Poor people.
Poor people say that.
I will make absolutely sure
that you have every opportunity
that life has to offer.
With money comes
time and freedom.
And those two together
are the key to life.
You tell me what you need.
Okay? What do you need?
You want me to...
Want me to dance?
I could... I could dance.
I could... I could sing?
So how do you make money?
Well, you could...
be a professional athlete, or...
or a movie star.
(SINGS) Then the traveler
In the dark
Thanks you
For your tiny spark!
But those rely on luck.
And you can't rely on luck.
Not with our family.
He does not know
Which way to go
If you did not twinkle, so!
LAUREN: What are you singing?
Uh, "Twinkle, Twinkle".
BRIAN: So the only way
to guarantee success
is with an education.
Now, education nowadays
is like a...
like a domino effect.
In order to get into
a prestigious university,
you have to get
into a prominent grammar school.
And in order to get
into a prominent grammar school,
you have to get into
a top-notch primary school.
And in order to prepare you
for a top-notch primary school,
you have to go to a great...
preschool.
(BABY CRIES IN THE DISTANCE)
I thought you were...
I thought you were sleeping.
Are you in full hair and makeup?
I don't know.
ALAN: Beautiful.
Can I get you anything?
Champagne?
Sure.
Some balloons?
Yep. Well, we got the...
Oh, good.
We did it!
LAUREN: I know.
You did it!
This is what a good education
can do for you.
And I will make sure
that you get it.
(PATIENT COUGHS)
(BRIAN SHUSHES)
(BABY COOS)
What are you shushing her for?
She just had a baby.
Not my baby, was it?
(LAUGHS) Stop it, Brian!
Have you noticed
that he's the quietest?
(BABY GRACE CRIES)
Hi, Momma.
SARAH: (GROANS)
Oh, let's get in bed.
Stop!
(GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello. Oh.
(GROANS)
You just leave it to me.
I'll take care of everything.
I'll take care of everything.
I promise.
I promise you.
(CHEERFUL INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
BRIAN: (IMITATES PUNCHING,
CHOKING SOUNDS)
Goodness, you're a psychopath,
aren't you?
You're going to be a k*ller!
There you go.
There you go.
You're getting it. Hey!
Hey, that could be you one day.
(COOS)
You can do anything
you set your mind to, Gracie.
What are you doing?
She wanted to practice walking.
She's six months old.
It's midnight.
MONKEY: (On TV) Oh, hi, guys.
Hey, guess what?
I put on my own pants
this morning. Did you?
Right, I'm off. You all right?
Okay, babe.
BRIAN: "Time To Get Dressed"
with the Wild and the Crazies?
You're de-educating him.
Oh, right.
I taught him how
to get dressed months ago.
Just let him enjoy it.
Flap it over like that.
Flap it over like that.
Isn't that brilliant?
(CHILDREN LAUGH, CHEER)
An astronaut goes like this.
(WOOSHES)
You're on the moon.
The moon is right
out there, honey.
The moon's right out there.
Name all
the countries for Mummy, go.
Afghanistan, Albania,
Algeria, Andorra, Angola,
Antigua and Barbuda, Argentina,
Armenia, Australia, Austria,
Azerbaijan, Bahamas,
Bahrain, Bangladesh,
Barbados, Belarus, Belgium,
Belize, Benin, Bhutan,
Bolivia, Bosnia and Herzegovina,
Botswana, Brazil, Brunei,
Bulgaria, Burkina Faso,
Burundi, Cabo Verde,
Cambodia, Cameroon, Canada...
(GROANS)
Hi, baby.
Babe, I think he's ready.
(CLICKS TONGUE, GROANS)
We should check out some places.
And they're incredible.
Yeah. Okay.
Time for night-nights, isn't it?
(CHEERFUL INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHILDREN CHATTER)
SARAH: Aw, it's so cute!
BRIAN: Bubba! This way.
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
Oh.
(CHILDREN CHATTER, LAUGHING)
How's my tie?
Relax. Just relax.
You look great.
Do I?
Yeah.
Ready? Yeah.
Yeah.
You sure?
Come on! Come on!
Right, babe, I'm not gonna let
these people intimidate us.
No, we belong here.
TEACHER: Down here then.
This is the Oxford
of preschools.
Did you know 82%
of its graduates
are multi-millionaires now?
Oh, yeah. Who told you that?
It's true, honestly.
Well...
Look at them, bub.
(SIGHS)
Right, look at me. Come here.
I know you want the best
for Dylan. I think it's lovely.
But let's just make sure
we like it
before we start
planning his graduation.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
BRIAN: (SMOOCHES) I love you.
SARAH: (SMOOCHES) Right, cool.
BRIAN: I belong here, babe.
(INTRIGUING PLAYFUL
MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry.
Oh.
Did you see that, love?
What? Do you mean,
did I see the five-year-old
glued to his phone? Yeah, I did.
I think it's a bit young,
don't you?
No, 'cause he was
checking the stock market.
LAUREN: It's not dissimilar
to where I went.
But we didn't
have duckling racing.
It's very nice.
(DOOR OPENS)
This is smart. (CLEARS THROAT)
Yeah, all the famous alumni.
Why have they got Mr. Bean up?
BRIAN: Mr. Bean!
(CHUCKLES) Sorry. Hiya.
Hello.
We're going on a tour.
Pardon me?
We're going on a tour.
BRIAN: What'd you say?
We're...
Good morning. Good morning.
I'm Sylvia Lawrence,
Director of Admissions.
Hi. Sylvia. Brian.
Pleased to meet you.
SARAH: Sarah. Hiya.
Lovely to meet you.
(GASPS) It's lovely
to see you both again.
It's good to see you again,
Sylvia.
SYLVIA: Good to see you.
Now, uh, I'm afraid
I'm running short on time today,
so I've had to schedule
both of your
introductory tours together.
I hope that's okay.
SARAH: It's fine with us.
And us.
SYLVIA: Great.
Did you get a chance to meet?
Brian and Sarah Young,
this is Alan
and Lauren Williams.
SARAH: Hiya.
Hi.
Yo.
Hi.
SYLVIA: Okay, well, welcome
to Puggsley's
Academy of Excellence.
This is where
we prepare children
for every aspect of life.
We take children from four,
all the way through to 18.
We would teach,
well, Dylan and Grace,
how to capitalize
on their strengths
by... by helping them
build up their weaknesses
so that they have the...
the confidence to tackle
any obstacle that might
present itself in their future.
Mm. Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, uh, most preschools
run half days.
Here at Puggsley,
we're on full days.
That's great.
SYLVIA: Five days a week.
Workshops for the children
every other weekend.
What kind of workshops?
Oh, they can range from AI
through to Anglo-Saxon poetry.
Anglo-Saxon? They were before
the Normans, weren't they?
SYLVIA: Very good.
English history.
SYLVIA: Absolutely.
Our motto here at Puggsley is,
uh, Puer paratus, puer felix.
"A prepared child..."
"...is a successful child."
Oh, my God.
SYLVIA: Excellent.
Now, we only accept
the best here,
and we make no apologies
for that.
We want to create an environment
where students push themselves
well past their potential.
Uh, after all,
you can only get smarter
if you play a smarter opponent.
Ah, steel sharpens steel.
Lemons make lemonade.
What?
They do. Yes.
Um... All right.
Uh, if you'd like
to follow me to my office,
I'd like to speak to you
about something rather delicate.
BRIAN: What's going on?
I'm... Yeah, losing it.
SARAH: Thanks.
Oh, no, please, please.
ALAN: No, no, you have to...
Honestly.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Every year at Puggsley's,
um, we have a limited number
of spaces. Obviously.
The siblings of current students
and alumnus get first priority.
Then, uh...
whatever slots are left,
we offer to new children.
But this year, we only
have one slot. (CHUCKLES)
But we've narrowed it down
to your two children.
So, uh, in order
to help us decide
which one of your children
we're accepting,
you'll need to write up a thesis
on your child by this Wednesday.
But no more than 20 pages.
Twenty pages?
Today's Monday!
Yeah, I know, but please,
don't feel under any pressure.
Your... your children both
seemed like excellent candidates
when I met them last week.
All right. So this thesis, uh,
what should it be about?
Any volunteer work
your child has done,
or, you know,
concerts they've given.
We'll make it up.
Then, uh, we'll have
the father's presentation.
Sorry, what was that one?
Father's what?
SYLVIA:
The father's presentation.
That's, uh, that's this Friday.
But that should only
take about an hour.
Um, then we'll sit down
with both families next Monday
before we make
our final decision.
We're not just choosing
a child here at Puggsley,
we're choosing a family.
All right, uh, shall we...
shall we take a walk,
and I'll show you around?
(PLAYFUL DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC FADES)
Now, look.
The children do Tai Chi
in the morning
and have meditation time
in the afternoons.
All the research shows,
and we certainly feel,
that these activities help
raise their concentration levels
and lower their stress levels.
(IN LATIN)
Mm.
(EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING)
("SPRING" PLAYING)
This is our conservatoire,
where we teach our children
a variety of instruments.
Right, well, we should
probably leave them to it.
Really amazing.
All right, please, after you.
Do, uh, do Dylan and Grace play?
ALL: Yes.
Oh, which instruments?
Piano.
Violin.
Oh, the violin.
The violin can elicit
such emotion.
I just adore the violin.
But the piano... (CLICKS TONGUE)
...now that's my secret love.
I just can't
go to sleep at night
until I unwind
by tinkling the ivories.
Sylvia, I just have
to say that Lauren and I
are very impressed
with your school.
We think you've done a
wonderful job with the children.
Thank you, Mr. Williams.
That's very nice of you to say.
Yes. Sarah and I agree.
We're both really impressed.
We love how you've trained
the children.
It's incredible, isn't it?
SARAH: Trained? Yeah.
BRIAN: Yeah.
Uh, we also have quite
a stellar science lab,
but I'm afraid
it's closed right now.
We have
a science fair next week,
so the room's
filled with projects.
Can't be disturbed.
Mrs. Lawrence,
I'm very sorry to bother you.
Is there a lavatory nearby?
Yes. I'm afraid we're going to
have to go back up the stairs.
Back up the stairs.
Along the corridor.
BRIAN: Along the corridor.
SYLVIA: Take a right...
Yeah, I've got it. Thank you.
Then it's round to the...
Yeah. Yeah. He'll find it.
Now, fencing piste?
Yeah.
BRIAN: Science lab.
Let's see what you got.
(PLAYFUL INTRIGUING
MUSIC PLAYING)
BRIAN: Bioreactor.
What is that?
The Plastic Eater.
Oh! My God.
Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, God.
No, no, no, no. Stop, stop!
No. Oh, this is ridiculous.
This is mad.
It'll be fine, it'll be fine.
Okay, the most
unoriginal science project
in the history
of science projects.
Cue Lava.
(VOLCANO BUZZES)
(SIGHS)
(PEOPLE CHATTER IN DISTANCE)
SYLVIA: We have a wonderful
language department.
So, we cover all the languages
that you could
possibly want to study.
We don't just teach
modern foreign languages here.
We, uh,
cover any language, really.
Arabic, Mandarin.
We also do Cantonese, Russian.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
SYLVIA: Oh, sorry. One moment.
Yep.
What's that on your face?
What have you got?
Sorry, I'm afraid there's been
an incident in the science lab.
It's quite a mess.
Well, how...
how big a mess is it?
I thought the science lab...
SARAH: What did you do?
SYLVIA: So it's beyond repair?
Oh?
SYLVIA: All right.
Could you secure it, please?
Thank you.
I'm so sorry, I'm going to have
to cut this meeting short.
I... I do apologize.
Thank you all for coming in.
We'll make
our decision next week.
Right, wish you all the best.
Thank you.
SYLVIA: Oh.
I just got to say, it's so nice
to meet you, Sylvia.
SYLVIA: Oh, and to you
and your wife.
I think we have some friends
in common.
We should, I don't know,
lunch sometime.
Lovely to meet you,
Mrs. Lawrence.
Thank you so much for...
(KISSES)
...taking the time for that.
Can I call you Sylvia,
like he called you Sylvia?
All right, Brian... (CHUCKLES)
...I'll see you both Friday.
See ya. See youse Friday.
After you.
Please.
Uh, uh, uh...
No, please, just... you go.
All right, we'll see you.
See you later.
(BELLS CHIME)
Look, I... I feel
I should address
the elephant in the room.
(CHUCKLES)
I... I would hate
for something like this
to throw a wedge
between our families.
Thank you. Yeah, I was...
I was gonna say the same thing.
(CHUCKLES)
Well?
Yeah.
Why don't you guys
come over for dinner tonight?
It'll give us
a chance to get acquainted.
Yeah, you know what?
That's actually... That's good.
We should be friends.
We shouldn't be enemies, right?
Great. What time?
Uh...
7:00?
Perfect.
Okay.
What was that about?
You didn't even ask
if I was okay with it.
What do you mean, dinner?
(MUTTERS)
You said you want
us all to be mates.
I know, but we have
to start writing our paper.
It's due on Wednesday.
I'll work on it tomorrow.
I'm a really good writer.
Uh, no, you're not.
Yeah, I am. I'm really good.
Okay.
Brian, what is up with you?
You've got that 1000 yard stare
in your eyes.
Right, okay. We need to know
what Dylan's up against.
So, I figure
we go around there, meet Grace,
scope out his competition.
Scope out the competition?
BRIAN: Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God, you are insane.
Remember
what Michael Corleone said,
"Keep your friends close,
but your enemies even closer."
And they're enemies.
Mm.
That was Sun Tzu, you moron.
Right, I don't care
whose son said it.
(SCOFFS) I hate him.
He is so smarmy, isn't he?
Smarm. He oozes smarm.
I gotta hand it to you, honey.
The way you made him think
we're not competitive.
You got them
to let their guard down.
I'm not competitive.
And I've no intention
of fighting for a spot
in some pretentious preschool.
Ah, that's good. That's good.
Know your opponent
inside and out.
It's the first lesson
in The Art of w*r.
Thought that was Lady Gaga.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(COMMENTARY ON TV)
Forty-five thousand?
For a preschool?
Are you out of your mind?
You can't pay that.
No price is too much
for our child's future, Dad.
Well, what in the world
are they doing
that's any different
than ordinary preschool?
Ah, well, for starters,
they've blended the best
educational theories
and practices
to create this school,
and every child
is seen as unique and special.
Every child's unique
and special!
I can find you a preschool
for a fraction of the money.
Like you found me a preschool
when I was Dylan's age?
There weren't any preschools!
There was. There was loads, Dad.
Loads of 'em!
(SCOFFS) Boo-hoo!
What?
If I'd sent you to a preschool,
you'd have ended up
Prime Minister
or something, would you?
I might have done, yeah.
I might-- At least
I'd have what Jeff's got.
You sent him private school.
Instead of sending me, you
bought yourself a bloody Isuzu.
I needed that pickup
for my work!
Right.
Why do you have to whine
like a baby?
We've been through this.
You were older
and there was no money.
BRIAN: Okay,
if there was no money, Dad,
how did you manage to swing
all those ridiculous
Sasquatch conventions?
Surely my education
was more important
than swapping
conspiracy theories?
(OMINOUS GROWL IN DISTANCE)
You don't know what's out there.
And neither do you.
(CHUCKLES)
JEFF: Oi, oi!
Yeah.
Brilliant. Jeff's here.
What are you doing here, Jeff?
What are you two doing in there?
All right, come on.
I'm not stopping long.
Got you something.
God, that fridge stinks.
(SCOFFS)
Mm, all right?
Very good, are you?
Fine, what you been doing?
Is that bird poo on your jumper?
Bird poo?
No, Father, this is, uh,
Pierre Jean Leclerc. Very posh.
Will I get you one
for Christmas?
No, no, I'm good, son.
He's fine.
What's this?
Oh, yeah, I, um, I got Dylan
some new clothes for his school.
That's really nice.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, it's 'cause
the, uh, the designer of that
sold out her entire collection
in three hours.
So, I pulled some strings,
and here we are.
What, you had to pull strings
to get a kid some clothes?
I don't know which one
of the two of you are crazier.
You never bought me anything
that would help me fit in
in my school.
No, it wasn't your wardrobe
stopped you fitting in
at school, son.
It was your bowl haircut.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I mean, you cut my hair
back then, so--
It's brilliant. Thanks.
Jeff, you did look like
a massive mushroom back then,
you really did.
You did. I'm glad I stopped by.
This has been fab.
Right, I would love to chat
to you lesbians about fashion,
but I have a hot yoga retreat
in the Cotswolds to attend,
so, um, see you later.
All right, mate. See you later.
See you later, mate.
All right, babes. You okay?
Let's go.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
See ya.
Okay.
Are you speaking to me?
I don't see anybody else
in the room.
Are you talking...
are you talking about me
behind me back and that?
'Cause I don't--
You must be if you're not--
SARAH: Babe? I'm not really
sure about that school.
None of the kids played
or laughed.
Didn't really feel
like children.
D'you know what I mean?
BRIAN: No, not really.
The school's
bloody perfect, bubba.
SARAH: Okay.
Can you come here please?
I need your help.
I need to find the right look.
I'm looking to be like a cross
between intimidating
and confident.
Okay. Why do you need
to be intimidating?
(SCOFFS) I need
to make Alan nervous, don't I?
So he can spill the beans
on his strategy.
Okay, well, that's definitely
not intimidating.
BRIAN: At all?
At all.
Why though?
Give me a good reason.
SARAH: No. No, it's not sexy.
It's clown-like.
BRIAN: White on blue.
Don't like it.
Please take it off.
BRIAN: Oh.
SARAH: Doesn't work, babe.
I don't like it.
Why?
(INHALES) Anyway, trust me,
Alan's not as crazy as you.
He's not gonna have a strategy.
I know they have a strategy.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
I just have to figure out
what it is. (EXHALES)
LAUREN: You've officially
lost your mind.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES)
(ENGINE SHUTS OFF)
(KEYS JANGLING)
(CAR DOOR OPENING)
Baby, I think this is the house
out of your poster.
I don't believe it. This man
is living my dream life.
No, look,
it's completely different
'cause my picture doesn't have
that weird statue in it,
does it?
What is it? Oh, looks like--
Is that giant gnome hol--
Is it holding a baby?
I don't think that's a baby.
It looks like a baby.
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)
It's very creepy, though.
Let's go before it curses us.
Come on.
Hello!
SARAH: Hi.
Welcome. (CHUCKLES)
SARAH: Thanks.
Come in.
Oh, thank you.
So glad you guys could make it.
Oh, wow. This place is amazing.
Make yourself at home.
Can I take your coats?
Oh, thanks. Yeah. Hmm.
Oh, sorry.
Oh!
(GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMING)
SARAH: Oh.
Oh.
SARAH: Hey.
Oh, thank, uh, thanks.
Thank you.
Can I get you some wine?
Red or white?
Ei... Either. Um--
Oh, So... sorry.
Red if you have it.
Roze!
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
I have a special little bottle
tucked aside
for a night like this.
Would you be a dear
and grab the wine?
Of course, Ms. Lauren.
Come!
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Ah. (EXHALES)
Oh. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
This is our angel, Grace.
I hope you enjoy custard tarts.
I made them this afternoon.
Hey, nice to meet you.
I love custard tarts.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, cheers.
Thank you.
Oh!
Oh.
Oh, my God.
SARAH: Oh! (LAUGHS)
LAUREN: Getting so good at that.
You make mummy want to do one.
ROZE: Would you like some wine?
Thank you.
Sure. Thank you.
Cheers. Thank you.
Thanks.
Mmm!
Ooh!
Very, um, uh, balanced.
Full bodied.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Care for a tour?
Oh.
Alan will be down in a minute.
Let's go.
See you in a bit.
BRIAN: See you in a bit.
Oh, don't mind the ghosts.
Yeah.
(LAUREN AND SARAH CHATTER
IN DISTANCE)
That is... that is so good.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
ALAN: Brian!
Oh, Alan!
Welcome to my humble abode.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh.
You got a little
something on your...
Hmm.
It's one of Grace's tarts.
Yeah. Delicious, right?
Mm! So good.
ALAN: Yeah.
Oh, I got you
a little something here.
I'm a bit of
a Dewar's collector.
Yeah. It's a ridiculously
expensive pastime, but it's nice
to enjoy the finer things
with new friends.
Cheers.
ALAN: Cheers.
That's one way to enjoy it.
Ah!
Oh!
ALAN: It's, uh--
(EXHALES SHARPLY) That's...
whiskey, isn't it?
ALAN: Yeah.
It's, uh, it's actually one
of my favorite sipping whiskeys.
(EXHALES SHARPLY, COUGHS)
Ooh, yeah.
Ah!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
So, how are things?
I can't complain. You?
Good. Very good, actually.
Good. I'm good... I'm good also.
That's good.
BRIAN: Mm-hmm.
(ALAN SIGHS)
Crack on?
Yeah.
Yeah. All right.
SARAH: How did you
and Alan meet?
Car crash.
Oh!
Alan was in town
meeting with investors.
He pulled
out of his parking spot
and drove on the wrong side
of the road.
I hit my brakes, and he--
Well, we bumped fenders.
He was so apologetic
and so cute. (CHUCKLES)
A week later,
we moved in together
and he started his company here.
Huh! Well, he was obviously
very successful. (CHUCKLES)
Mmm, that one failed miserably.
Oh.
How did you meet Brian?
Panic attack.
Oh?
His, not mine. (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
Uh, yeah, back when he was doing
odd jobs as a handyman,
he was hired to do some repairs
at the work that I was at then,
and, um, well, he walked
straight into a spider's web
and I've never heard
a man shriek so loud.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah.
And I had to talk him down.
And then yeah, I mean, I guess
it's just been love ever since.
Super sexy.
So, he has arachnophobia?
More like a fear of all bugs.
Oh! Never heard of that one.
So, I gotta admit,
I did a little reading
about your company.
I guess I've not done
my homework, then.
Yeah, I think
it's very admirable
how you went
from working construction
to risking it all by building
that giant apartment complex.
Uh, nothing ventured,
nothing gained, Alan.
Hey,
to fortune favoring the bold.
Yeah.
Right?
Oh, yeah.
There you go.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Mr. Williams, dinner
will be ready in ten minutes.
ALAN: Okay. Thank you, Roze.
(FIREPLACE CRACKLING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Almost forgot that was there.
So young and so
many accolades, right?
GRACE: Daddy?
(GASPS)
Can I show him my new routine?
Of course you can, sweetheart.
What a wonderful idea.
Routine?
Come on.
(WIND TUNNEL WHIRRING)
So, back to the subject
of our ventures, Brian.
Now, I... I realize
there's been a lot of time
and effort on your part
with this whole
preschool affair.
I'd like to offer you
an opportunity.
Yeah, what kind of opportunity?
Well, the kind
with a lot of zeros.
Are you putting a price tag
on my child's future?
You Americans! You think
you can just write a check
to get everybody
to do what you want?
I should storm
out of here right now!
GRACE: Daddy?
Ooh. Wow.
Yeah, that's a... that's a...
GRACE: Daddy?
That's a big
opportunity, isn't it?
Look, I... I feel
you could use the money
to find another option,
another path, for Dylan.
The Puggsley path
is the only path we want.
I didn't wait this long
to have a kid to not have him go
to the best preschool
in town, Alan.
Yeah, well, me neither.
Dylan will excel at Puggsley,
and every school thereafter.
This is his opportunity.
I won't let any amount
of money stop that.
Well, I guess,
Grace is gonna have to beat
your son legitimately
for that spot, then.
Yeah, she will.
Mr. Williams, dinner's ready.
Okay.
You're just
gonna leave her in there?
("LIBIAMO NE'LIETI CALICI"
PLAYING)
The meal
was spectacular, Matteo.
Can't wait to see
what comes out next.
Next?
Matteo has a five-course
Italian meal planned.
That way, we can sample
a few great little dishes.
Wow. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
ALAN: I'm opening a restaurant
this Friday in town.
Yeah, so Matteo and I
are ironing out the details
so that we can take it
to the printer tomorrow
to lock everything in.
Alan and I met Matteo
in Tuscany while on holiday,
and Alan asked him to come back
and work for him.
Right. You're testing
the menu out on us!
Feel so special, right, Brian?
Pass the wine, please, bub.
Pass me the vino!
Yeah.
LAUREN: We really are
so excited about the opening.
Alan has
a very ambitious vision,
and there's a lot riding on it.
So, I've pulled in
a few big fish.
Yes, she has.
Taste makers, influencers,
food critics.
And... and Alan has,
uh, negotiated
with the local radio station
to give away a dozen
free tickets to the listeners.
ALAN: Mm-hmm.
Oh, right.
Which station?
Uh, K-DISCO.
Oh, that's Brian's brother
Jeff's station.
What?
SARAH: Right, Brian?
ALAN: Wait, wait, wait.
Jeff Young is your brother?
Mad, innit?
I never would have
made that connection.
He's... he's such a great guy.
And so chic.
So successful. So classy.
God!
I couldn't help
but notice the, uh,
the sailboat
over the mantelpiece.
Oh, she's a beaut, isn't she?
Yeah, really pretty.
(BURPS)
Alan had to sell
the real one years ago.
No more expeditions
into the Antarctic for me.
SARAH: Thank you.
ALAN: Now that I'm a father,
it's too dangerous.
What is that?
ALAN: But I do miss sailing.
All that power,
slicing through the water,
struggling to man the haul.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
That means
steering the boat, Brian.
Yeah, I know, Alan, I know,
'cause I'm really familiar
with nautical terms.
I'm an avid sailor meself.
Oh.
Really? I didn't know that.
BRIAN: Yeah.
Yeah, well, it's true.
We go out all the time,
my brother and I.
We actually own a boat together.
Don't we, babe?
Yeah.
It's a shame that you're doing
the printer thing tomorrow,
else I'd have you come out
with us, but you can't, can ya?
Oh!
ALAN: Well, now, hold on.
(CALLBACK TONE RINGING)
Carolyn, uh, it's Alan.
Uh, would you be a dear
and push up my 4:00 pm
to 10:00 am tomorrow morning?
Good news. I'm free.
(LAUGHS) That's great!
What? You're free tomorrow now?
ALAN: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Oh, yeah!
ALAN: Oh.
Oh, I cannot wait.
LAUREN: Hmm.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
LAUREN: Oh, I know
just what to wear.
LAUREN: After you, please.
BRIAN: Thank you.
Thank you.
LAUREN: Oh, what a thrill.
It's just been lovely.
Really lovely.
Thank you just so much
for having us.
Like, it's not often
we get to feast
like kings, so.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, word has it
that this used to be the old
stomping grounds of Henry VIII.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
If these walls could talk,
every single corner of this
place has a story to tell.
Hmm.
SARAH: Huh.
Yeah.
Well, what's his story, then?
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, it's--
Oh, well,
now, that statue
is very special.
It's said to have been
sculpted by Michelangelo.
SARAH: Oh.
One of his much later works,
of course...
but still very impressive.
By then, he would have been
pretty much losing his eyesight,
and had gout, and kidney stones.
Honey, I think they probably--
Possibly even losing
his hearing.
But if you really, really
want to know the full story,
my... my 16 times
great-grandfather
settled on this land
and he built this manor
for his wife
and that he commissioned
that statue
to symbolize their everlasting
commitment to each other.
And now it reflects Alan's
and my love to one another,
doesn't it, sweetheart?
Yeah.
BRIAN: Right. So sorry, Lauren.
Um, this is actually
your place then, is it?
Oh, well, what's mine
is his now, of course.
Hmm.
But Alan's really been
working his way up
in the family business and Papa
couldn't be more impressed.
I am sure.
But really, it's not--
D'ya know what, um, we...
we really have to go.
Thank you so much
for a lovely evening.
ALAN: Yeah, yeah...
Well-- (CHUCKLES)
Thank you for the meal.
We'll see ya.
Yeah.
LAUREN: It's our pleasure.
SARAH: Thank you.
And we should make
a habit of this.
Yeah.
We would love to, wouldn't we?
Good.
BRIAN: We would.
Yeah.
Safe home, then!
Thank you. Cheers.
SARAH: Thank you.
Ciao!
BRIAN: Safe home to you.
All right, stop it.
Ciao.
I knew... I knew it. I knew it.
Of course he married
into the money, babe.
What? I do not get why this is
such a big revelation for you.
Are you kidding me?
Bub, he was... he was so smug,
walking around
like king of the castle,
and then we find out, bang,
it's not even his money, babe!
(SHUSHES)
You know Jeff is not gonna
let you take his boat out.
Uh, yeah, he will. Jeff owes me.
What does he owe you for?
His life.
What?
I took all the flack
while he reaps the rewards.
Besides, I don't need Jeff.
I'm a...
I'm a really good sailor.
Jeff is a great sailor. You
are barely passable, my love.
Hold on. But you don't know
that, do you, for sure?
You've been listening
to me dad, haven't ya?
He's always badmouthing me.
What? Oh, God.
Doesn't matter, babe.
I love you. You're so beautiful.
I love you. I love you, baby.
I love you.
I'm a really good sailor.
Baby, give me the keys.
I'm gonna drive, okay?
'Cause you're too drunk. Right.
And anyway,
Alan's going to be with us.
Alan's not driving my boat.
Jeff's boat. Our boat.
What?
I'm the main driver.
SARAH: Yeah, well,
you are the main driver.
He can help out with things.
He can talk about knots
and that. He can do...
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(DOOR CLOSING)
Ooh!
Isn't it nice to connect
to other parents?
Makes this whole
preschool madness
seem almost worth it. (SIGHS)
Yeah, I just-- I kind of wish
you hadn't mentioned
all this stuff about our...
family history, you know?
Hmm?
We barely know those people.
Oh, please.
What is there to hide?
We have a beautiful life.
I love that story
about my grandparents' statue.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
Brian?
Oh.
SARAH: My love.
Yeah?
Let me get this straight.
You've, um,
you've hired
an out-of-work screenwriter
to write about Dylan?
Yeah, that's right.
Um, he's in between projects
right now,
writing movie trailers.
So, we're actually
really lucky to get him.
So, why won't you let me do it?
Babe.
Babe.
This guy's wrote
three of my favorite movies.
k*ll Me Twice, A Hail Of b*ll*ts
and A Cold Day In Hell.
All classics.
Oh, God,
I'm so excited to meet him.
He's gonna make Dylan
look like a badass.
He really, really is.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, God, he's here.
What are you waiting for?
I don't want to seem
desperate.
My love, that ship sailed
a long time ago.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Chase Stevens.
Oh, God. Incredible.
I've come across
one of your films.
Um,
forgot what it's called, though.
Yeah, great.
With... with a con man
who fakes his own death
to get the mobsters
off his back--
It's so good. It really is.
Yeah, I know. I wrote it.
This is all-cash, yeah?
Yeah.
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
(KNOCKING AT THE DOOR)
(WHISPERS) Hiya, Chase. Chase!
Sorry, mate,
I... I couldn't help myself.
I know it hasn't been long.
But I just--
I had to see
what you've come up with so far.
You said the deadline
was five o'clock.
Yeah.
No. It's all right. (SIGHS)
Let's do it now.
Yeah
(PRINTER WHIRRING)
"To the esteemed members
of the Puggsley Academy
of Excellence,
Admissions Committee.
(CLEARS THROAT, SNIFFS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(IN MOVIE TRAILER VOICE)
In a world
where mediocrity
is the norm amongst children,
one boy will rise up
and prove himself worthy
of the best the world
has to offer.
Strength and endurance,
artistic prowess,
and intellectual capacity,
revered by all of those
who encounter
his magnificent presence.
Women yearn
for the man he'll become.
(MUFFLED) Whilst our enemies
preemptively tremble.
(SCOFFS)
But this boy's greatness
must be cultivated,
nurtured, capacitated, guided.
All of which will be given
to him by the people who are...
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
SARAH: Dylan has strong interest
in learning about the world
around him.
He is warm, empathetic,
and a natural friend to others.
(EPIC MUSIC PLAYING)
CHASE: The boy must be trained,
nurtured, so that
he can rule the country
and one day usher us all
into a brave, new world!
Huh?
What do you think about that?
Um, yeah, it's-- I like it.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
SARAH: "We believe that
Puggsley Academy of Excellence
would offer Dylan the nurturing
and challenging environment
he needs...
"He needs to continue growing
academically,
socially and emotionally.
(TEARFUL) Thank you
for considering our son,
the light of our lives,
who consistently
brightens our days
and would undoubtedly do
the same for this institution."
Oh, my God. (CRIES)
(SNIFFLES)
(SIGHS HEAVILY, SNIFFLES)
You have to admit
it's good, right?
Yeah. It's... it's all right.
It's not bad. It's not bad.
(SNIFFLES)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Aw.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(GASPS) Oh, no.
Oh, can someone answer the door?
I'm not ready yet.
All right, babe.
JOE: I'll get it!
Oh, that's so... so good.
So good.
ALAN: Ahoy there, matey.
LAUREN: Hello!
This must be Gracie, eh?
ALAN: Oh, yeah.
JOE: Hello. (CHUCKLES)
ALAN: That's her.
Oh, and, uh, this is?
Oh.
This is Roze.
ALAN: This is Roze.
JOE: Oh.
Nice to meet you, sir.
Oh, no, pleasure's all mine.
LAUREN: Roze is our nanny.
Well, Grace's nanny, that is.
She looks after all of us.
BRIAN: Oh, iceberg, portside.
Oh!
Ahoy!
Wish I had a stupid, blue hat.
Oh, look at you two.
You look exactly the same.
You're wearing the same gear.
It was my idea.
It was your idea?
Bet it was your money as well.
Sarah will be down in a minute.
Oh, and Roze is here.
How you doing, Roze, you okay?
Thought me dad
was looking after the kids.
Oh, of course.
So kind of you. We just...
we just thought it would be
helpful to bring her along.
Hey, don't get miffed.
I need all the help
I can get, eh?
All right. Shall we have
a quick tour then,
while we wait for Sarah.
Yeah?
Come on then, follow me.
Oh... (CHUCKLES)
...look at this, little dojo.
Everyone, this is Dylan.
He's competing again
at the nationals next month.
That outfit is adorbs.
Cute little guy. Look at that.
Alan, try to take him down.
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
I'm not... I'm not gonna...
I'm not gonna take him down.
Go on, have a go.
ALAN: I'm not gonna
take your kid down.
BRIAN: Try to take him down.
I could.
If I wanted to, I could.
I could.
Nice to meet you, bud.
(GRUNTS) Oh!
Athletic little guy, isn't he?
(PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, wow. (GRUNTS)
Oh, God. Brian... Brian?
(GRUNTS)
You all right?
Babe?
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS IN PAIN) Get off me.
Get off me.
(GRUNTS)
Brian!
(ALAN GRUNTING)
Okay, okay, okay.
Dylan? Dylan, desist.
Sorry. I've never flipped
someone so big.
(PANTS)
Well, let's... let's...
let's go... let's go sailing.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
LAUREN: You all right?
Was it bad?
It was bad, wasn't it?
Uh, I thought
it was a very
honorable submission.
(SCOFFS)
What was I supposed to do,
it was a little kid.
Supposed to beat him up?
I'm not gonna beat up--
I could have...
I could have beat him up.
I-- You were very gallant.
And I think the main thing
to think of here
is that they are a lovely family
and I really like them.
And the little boy
is so talented.
Can you believe what he did?
Uh, no, I can't.
I underestimated him.
What?
But it's not going
to happen again.
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
SARAH:
Never heard of that before.
I might give it a go.
LAUREN: (SIGHS)
I really miss sailing.
I'm so glad
you guys asked us to come.
SARAH: Oh!
It's been a long time
since Alan and I have been
out with another couple.
Oh, yeah? You mean not covered
in food stains, or vomit,
or watching The Wild and Crazies
for six hours on a loop?
(CHUCKLES)
Well, the day is young.
Have you met my husband?
Oh, God. Have you met mine?
So, Alan,
you finished your thesis?
Yeah. Easy-peasy.
Yep. Same.
What about
that father's presentation?
Yeah. Really prepped for it.
Fully prepped. What about you?
Fully prepped. I mean...
she's my... she's my daughter.
I've been prepping
for years, right?
Yeah, same.
So, where's the boat?
There, Alan, look.
LAUREN: Oh,
she's beautiful, Brian.
BRIAN: She is.
Gaynor.
What's the significance there?
SARAH: Not gonna tell him, babe?
Shall I tell him?
Yeah, you crack on.
Oh, well, believe it or not,
but Brian is a huge fan
of Gloria Gaynor.
Well, she's very talented.
SARAH: Yeah, I mean, you know,
"I Will Survive" is not really
quite the right name
for a boat, is it?
But it is, in fact,
Brian's favorite song.
Yeah, and poor Brian.
He's had some real trials
and tribulations,
some heartache in his life.
And that song,
it's just got you through
the darkest of days,
hasn't it, my baby?
Hmm.
Yeah, I've only ever heard
divorced women sing that song.
Well, the French sang it and it
won them the World Cup in '98.
The French? Yeah, well,
I guess I could believe that.
BRIAN: Ahoy there, Bob!
He takes care
of this beauty for us.
Yeah
ALAN: Hey.
Brian.
You can't take
the boat out today.
What? Why not, Bob?
(CHUCKLES) You just can't.
You know why.
I actually don't know why, Bob.
This is very much a surprise.
Oh, right! (CHUCKLES)
You... you called,
but I didn't tell you
because I just noticed now,
or just few minutes ago
while I was trying
to get her ready for you.
Can you get to the point,
please, Bob?
Um...
it's the head.
I wouldn't want
to get into many details.
But one of the workers
had too many burritos.
Oh, for-- This is...
And his IBS kicked in.
Oh, dear.
And he couldn't make it
to the clubhouse.
LAUREN: Oh!
JOE: And your boat
was right here, and...
Anyway,
it's a real mess down there.
I wouldn't even get too close
if I were you,
or you'll start smelling
the overflow
from the holding tank, yeah.
BRIAN: Okay.
Thank you very much. That's--
We've got it. Thank you.
(SIGHS) Ah, what a darn shame.
(SCOFFS)
I guess we'll just
have to do it another day.
It wasn't me, by the way.
Thank you very much
for whatever that was.
Ridiculous. Cheers.
(GROANS)
Hey, let's not let this
ruin our day out.
I've got an idea.
There are paddle ball courts
here, that might be fun.
Do you play, Alan?
Alan's always wanted
to try that.
I'm not really dressed for--
BRIAN: Really? Well,
it's your lucky day!
Just a five-minute walk.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
I tell you what,
I'll reserve us a court, yeah?
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
LAUREN: Okay. Lovely.
ALAN: I didn't know
this place existed.
LAUREN: Little Wimbledon.
Uh, do you want a drink, or?
Yeah, yeah. Anything.
Some nuts.
Nuts?
Yeah. Or coffee, or--
Where did he go?
I don't know. Maybe toilet, or--
Don't know. I'm not sure.
Right. We all ready then?
(PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
Yeah? Let's go.
Babe?
Babe? Brian?
Yeah?
What are you wearing?
What?
What are you wearing?
What do you mean
what I'm wearing?
What do you mean,
what do I mean? It's too tight!
I think, we should try
to be kind to them.
I'll be kind.
I'm not going to let 'em win.
Okay, stretching,
just a little bit.
Just a little stretch.
Back and forth, back and forth.
(GROANS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS) Oh, my God.
What are you--
Get it off me.
Babe.
BRIAN: What's--
SARAH: Stop it.
What is it?
Get it off me, please.
Brain, it's fine. It's gone.
BRIAN: Has it gone now?
Get it off! Where's it gone?
Babe, look at me.
It's... it's gone up there.
What's a butterfly
doing in here?
It's up there.
It's gone up there.
It's fine. Just breathe.
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
My God. That was close.
Okay.
Just breathe.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Right. I'm guessing
we all know the rules.
What was that?
It was just a thing.
Just a... a weird buggy thing.
It was a butterfly.
Yeah, it doesn't matter,
does it?
Are you afraid of butterflies?
LAUREN:
I think he's afraid of all bugs.
I didn't know that was a thing.
I'd say
he just proved that it is.
Entomophobia.
It is a thing, actually.
Yeah. Look it up.
I could get a blue badge
if I wanted, but I don't.
(SNICKERS)
Okay, ready?
Ready for serve. All right.
Feet in position, bub.
And, off we go.
Mine, mine, mine, mine!
(GRUNTS)
Sorry, sorry. Are you okay?
I elbowed--
Can you just calm down?
Babe, stop it!
Our serve now?
SARAH: Yeah, yeah, it is.
BRIAN: No, no.
SARAH: It's their serve.
It's definitely not.
I serve for the whole game.
No, no, you, um--
We'll just say it's yours.
SARAH: Calm down. Bloody hell.
I serve for the whole game.
Oh, bad luck.
That makes it our serve.
If that--
Ah!
BRIAN: Ha, ha!
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
BRIAN: Mine, mine, mine!
(GRUNTS)
Unlucky.
Watch out. Watch out!
God, you nearly got my...
you nearly got
my wife then in the head.
ALAN: Sorry about that.
Will you just
take it down a notch.
All right.
Just calm down a bit.
That's 15-love.
You weren't looking, were you?
Pay attention.
That was... that was out!
That was out.
Just stop it.
You're stressing me out.
Let's everyone just calm--
(GRUNTS)
SARAH: Calm down.
(SHOUTS)
(SHOUTS) Yes!
LAUREN: Calm down. Just calm.--
Okay. That's our game.
LAUREN: Calm down.
That's our point!
Yes! Good job. Hey, hey.
Ah! It's all right. Next time.
Stop it.
Four-three.
(GRUNTS)
I got it.
(GRUNTS)
ALAN: Sorry.
(SHOUTS) Yes!
ALAN: (SHOUTS) Yes!
That was in! Match point.
(YELLS)
(ALAN GRUNTS)
(SHOUTS) Yeah!
Yes!
I love you so much.
SARAH: Oh, babe. Oh, babe.
We won. We won.
SARAH: We won.
(ALAN GRUNTS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
You all right there, pal?
Are you okay?
Do you need a minute?
What?
(GRUNTS)
LAUREN: Oh, no.
(SHOUTS) Oh, my God!
Oh, my-- (YELLS IN PAIN)
LAUREN: That's bad.
Oh, my God.
What do I do?
Ooh, dear.
(GAGS)
LAUREN: Oh, that's bad.
Someone should do something.
Oh!
(ALAN RETCHING)
BRIAN: 'Cause all I'm saying
is it'd just be
really interesting to know
exactly how fast
that ball was going.
Not for me, but for... for Alan.
For bragging rights.
Right, yeah.
What Brian is trying to say,
is that he's really sorry.
And, um,
if there's anything we can do,
please just do let us know.
Oh, I did already say that.
No, you didn't say it.
Yeah, I did.
No, say it properly.
Like you mean it.
I've said it loads. I've--
Say it like you mean it!
Sorry, Alan.
I'm sorry, mate.
No!
Let's... let's go inside.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, I... I am sorry, Alan.
Mate...
my sincerest apologies, yeah?
If there's anything I can do,
you just let me know.
Well, you...
you could step aside
and let Grace take that spot.
(CHUCKLES) I'm just kidding.
(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding.
(CHUCKLES)
I mean, where'd the fun
in that be, right? (CHUCKLES)
We're just getting started, pal.
BRIAN: Yeah.
SARAH:
That's weird, it's locked.
Hello? We're back.
Hello?
ALAN: Grace, come on.
Time to go, honey.
Why is it so dark in here?
Roze?
SARAH: Where are they?
(GROWLS)
(YELLS)
(YELLS)
LAUREN: (YELLS) Oh, my gosh!
(JOE LAUGHS)
BRIAN: Dad. We've spoken
about this, haven't we?
(JOE LAUGHS)
BRIAN: No Sasquatch
in the house.
Grace, honey, come on.
Time to go.
Come on. Oh, there she is.
Boo!
Boo!
LAUREN: Oh, wow!
ALAN:
There she is. Look at that.
Grace, it's time to go.
Where's Roze?
Where's Ro... Roze?
I am here, Mr. Alan.
ALAN: Oh.
Uh, we were having fun.
No, no. Keep it. It suits you.
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
Okay, well, that's enough
fun for one day.
GRACE: Daddy, it's weird here.
ALAN: Yeah, couldn't agree more.
Let's go, hon.
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
Big day, bubba.
SARAH: Mm-hmm.
Are you going to hand this in
today or do you want me to?
No, I'm heading there right now.
I want to get it in first,
so Mrs. Lawrence reads it first.
You know what I mean?
Good plan.
(SIGHS SHARPLY)
(BELL TOLLING)
(GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMES)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Uh, yes. Come in.
(GASPS) Oh, Mr. Young, come in.
BRIAN: How you doing?
Oh, yes,
I'm... I'm very well, thank you.
Made your mind up yet?
I'm only joking.
I'm only joking.
(SYLVIA CHUCKLES)
Maybe this will help.
SYLVIA: Oh.
Oh, what's that, then?
What's this?
Oh, that's, um...
Sorry, it's... it's just
such a moving piece.
Um... uh, Grace Williams is a--
Well, she's a hero.
Apparently, last year,
she brought a woman
out of a coma.
A... a coma? Wow.
SYLVIA: Hmm.
Oh, God.
That's... that's unbelievable.
It... it truly is.
Anyhoo, um, well,
thank you for stopping by.
I look forward
to reading about Dylan.
I don't mind sticking about
a bit longer while you read it.
And that way, I'm here
if you have any questions
or you want to know
more about Dylan.
That won't be necessary,
but thank you, yeah.
Have a good day.
Okay.
D'you know, d'you know,
I've just remembered a couple
of really important details
that I think you'll find
really interesting.
Um, I should probably do a quick
revision, so can I just--
I assure you,
if I require any clarifications,
I will be in touch.
I really must attend a meeting
right now, but I assure you,
once I'm back in this office,
I will read the letter.
I promise you.
Have a wonderful day, Mr. Young.
BRIAN: Thank you very much,
Mrs. Lawrence.
Uh, I really look forward
to hearing from you.
Do you know Dylan
once gave me his kidney...
God sake.
Yeah, right, bloody photoshop.
ALAN: Hey!
(GASPS)
Alan, good to see you.
ALAN: Brought you an umbrella.
Looks like rain.
Wonderful.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
It's just right up here
around the bend.
Oh, wonderful.
Sorry about the weather.
SYLVIA: Well,
let's get out of this rain.
Quick as we can...
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)
ALAN:
It's really about the kids.
SYLVIA: I honestly
don't know, is it? Yes.
Thank you.
ALAN: After you.
SYLVIA: Thank you.
My friends are
already in there, boss,
Of course.
Thank you.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh, my goodness.
Is that you, Mrs. Lawrence?
Oh! Uh--
BRIAN: Wow!
Mr. Young.
Bloody hell. What a coincidence.
Hello. Again.
Alan!
Having a liquid lunch, I see.
Hmm.
Well, only,
you know, a small one.
Oh, no, I wasn't implying
that you're getting drunk.
I mean, you're allowed
a drink or two at lunch time.
Not that you're
having two, or...
I invited Sylvia here
to dine with me this afternoon.
Lovely.
It doesn't seem like a conflict
of interest at all, does it?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Alan donated 30 new laptops
to our preschool.
Isn't that
a lovely gesture? So sweet.
Thirty laptops.
Wowzers.
Listen, can I... can I--
Thirty of 'em.
Lauren does give you a lot
of pocket money, doesn't she?
You lucky thing.
SYLVIA: But please, don't worry.
Donations won't affect
my decision.
Yeah.
SYLVIA: I promise you,
Mr. Young.
Of course not. It's merely
a contribution to the community.
See, Lauren and I believe that
the children are our future.
Oh.
Yeah, we... we teach them well
and we let them lead the way.
That's so lovely.
That's Whitney.
I don't... I don't think it is.
That's Whitney Houston.
ALAN: No, it's not.
He's fully just... He's...
he's just nicked
what Whitney Houston says,
and used it
in a conversation with you.
What?
No, I just made that up.
Hundred percent
didn't make that up.
Did I tell you how beautiful
that color is on you?
What is that, lavender?
(CHUCKLES)
ALAN: That is your color.
Anyway, uh...
can we help you today?
No, thank you.
Well, I'm famished.
How about you?
Yeah, uh, let's eat.
Anyway, have a good one.
BRIAN: Thanks.
SYLVIA: Nice to see you.
Amazing. Great to see you.
"I want a glass of vino."
"What, you want a glass?"
"Oh, yeah!"
"You haven't bought 30 laptops,
have you?"
"You don't deserve a glass
of Chteauneuf-du-Pape, do you?"
"You haven't bought anything."
"You don't buy your way
into things, do you?" (SHOUTS)
(SCREAMS IN ANGER)
JOE: So, the rich guy
got the better of you.
So what? Let it go.
Find another school.
No, I can't, Dad. I can't.
I've worked me tail off
to get him into that school.
I ain't giving up. Nah.
Not before that father's
presentation on Friday, I ain't.
Fifty laptops? That's thousands.
It's not even his money, Dad.
That's the thing.
He's... he's...
he's a parasite. I'm gonna smash
the moustache off his face.
He's got a horrific-- He's got--
He shaved a-- Moustache, fine.
But what he's done
is he's put this little bit here
and he's... he's groomed it.
He's looked himself
in the mirror
and he's triangled himself.
Who does that?
I'll find a way. I'll find a way
to do something different.
I've just...
I've just gotta be...
creative.
It's not about the money, it's
about connecting with the kids.
That's the most sensible thing
you've said this week.
Since when do you get dressed up
to go to the pub?
Are you on a hot date
or something, Dad?
None of your business.
Right.
PRESENTER ON TV:
Appreciate your time.
Well played out there.
(DOOR CLOSING)
ANNOUNCER: And we'll be back
for more Wednesday night...
(SIGHS)
...football after this break.
(SINGER) Everybody toots
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
I did a toot.
Do you want to do that too?
(MAKES FARTING SOUND) Hey!
ANNOUNCER: If you've got
a child that likes
The Wild and Crazies,
then why not go crazy and come
to a live TV recording tomorrow?
Guaranteed to impress any kid!
Live at the Richmond Gate
TV Studios tomorrow!
(CHILDREN SHOUTING EXCITEDLY)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Sorry, everyone,
we're at capacity.
CROWD: What?
I'm sorry,
I don't make the rules.
(CROWD JEERING)
SCALPER: I'm sorry, kids,
we're here again
next week. Try next week.
Mate, I really need
to get into that show.
Is there anything you can do?
I can pay you.
(LOUDLY) Sorry, sir,
the audience is now full.
(WHISPERS) I can get you in.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
What?
(YELLS) I said
there's no way you're getting
in there today, sir!
How many in your group?
Uh, just one.
Just one?
BRIAN: Yeah.
Aren't you here with a kid?
No.
That's a bit creepy, mate.
Can you get me
into the show or not?
Yeah, of course, 200 quid.
(YELLS) Two-hundred pound?
(SHUSHES)
You want in or not?
BRIAN: Here.
(WHISPERS) Down there,
down there, down there.
Thank you, mate.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)
(MONKEY TRILLING, VOCALIZING)
My mum's a nun. My mum's a nun.
(VOCALIZING, EXCLAIMING)
(SINGS)
Hey-oh, hey-oh, hey-oh!
Hello.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Who are you?
Uh, my name's Brian,
and I'm a massive fan. Massive.
And so is my son.
Where's your son?
He's at home.
No, don't worry.
I'm not a weirdo.
(BEAR SCOFFS)
I just-- I've come here to ask
if you'd... if you'd play
at my son's preschool.
(WILD AND CRAZIES CHUCKLE)
I... I'd pay you, obviously.
And it... it's for a good cause.
This, uh, son, is he... sick?
(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
Uh, no, he's not.
But he's a good kid.
(GRUNTS)
Take a look around you, man, eh?
Look at this. This is live TV.
This is the big-time.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Small stuff...
we don't really do that no more.
It's taken us years to get here.
Yeah, I get it, I do, but, um...
just think of the publicity
you'd receive.
The... the Wild
and the Crazies...
It's Wild and Crazy.
BRIAN: What did I say?
"Wild and Crazies."
BRIAN: Oh, sorry. Wild and C--
What... what?
We're the Wild and Crazies.
BRIAN: The Wild and Crazy.
Wild and Crazies.
BRIAN: The Wild and Crazies...
That's right.
He says he's a fan.
(WILD AND CRAZIES LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS)
BRIAN: ...works well
with the children...
Listen to me, right?
We got a stage,
and it's crying out for us.
Here! Come on, g*ng.
(GRUNTS) The stage is calling.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen...
(WILD AND CRAZIES
SHRIEKING, VOCALIZING)
(GRUNTS, IMITATES FARTING) Hey!
(GRUNTS) Whoo! (VOCALIZES)
MONKEY: My mum's a nun.
My mum's a nun. (VOCALIZES)
Hey, just hang on a second.
Mate... mate, sorry... sorry.
Look, look,
you have to do this, please.
I'm sure there are
some sick kids at that school.
If there's not, I'll bring some.
Just name your price.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(THE WILD AND CRAZIES
WHOOP, LAUGH, CHEER)
h*-hey! Hey-h*!
(IMITATES FARTING, LAUGHS)
Hold on, hold on, hold on
Uh, one second.
Aren't small, intimate venues
what your group is all about?
Not this.
Not this, big live TV studios.
Do you see my point?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
LION: (WHISPERS) Where is he?
(WHISPERS)
I don't know. Just go.
Go, go, go. We're live! (LAUGHS)
Hey, kids,
we're the Wild and Crazies.
And we're gonna sing a song
about all the things...
Yeah!
...your bodies can do!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Ah, ah! Hang on, hang on.
(SNEEZES, FARTS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh, Monkey, are you okay?
I did a toot.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(SINGS) Everybody toots...
I mean... I mean--
Hold on. Isn't this selling out?
We are not sellouts.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
All right, don't push me then.
Don't touch my costume!
Don't touch me, you freak.
(ELEPHANT GROANS)
Hold on a minute!
(BURPS) Oh, hang on a minute.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Do you know when you do a burp,
and suddenly you can taste it?
Mine tastes of bananas,
'cause that's my entire diet!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
LION: Monkey!
(SINGS) Everybody burps
What? Sorry.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
LION: (SINGS)
Everybody burps...
Get off! (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS) I'm gonna kick...
Hey, guess what?
Don't tell everyone,
but sometimes I get
a bit of an itchy bottom,
and my finger really stinks
of old bananas.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Monkey! (GROANS)
(CHUCKLES) And you?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Mm! Ah!
LION: (YELLS) Monkey!
What?
Monkey! (GROANS)
Sorry.
(SINGS) Wash your hands...
D'you know you're now
my least favorite Crazy,
do you know that?
(GROANS, GRUNTS)
ELEPHANT: I don't care.
And I don't care about
your stupid little kid either.
(GROANS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
(GRUNTS)
MONKEY: Oi!
(AUDIENCE BOOING, SCREAMING)
MONKEY:
Kids, don't worry, don't...
Oi, oi, oi!
(ELEPHANT GROANS)
MONKEY: Hey!
Give me that guitar!
(CROWD CLAMORING OVER TV)
(GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
Uh... (CHUCKLES) ...hello. Um...
(GRUNTS) I'm gonna get you.
MONKEY:
Violence doesn't solve anything.
As a pacifist myself,
I've often found that
the best way
to deal with something
is talking.
This is the excitement...
(BRIAN GRUNTS)
...of live television.
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
You never know
what's gonna happen. (LAUGHS)
BRIAN: Monkey, you're gonna--
I would say
that peace, love, and--
(AUDIENCE GASPING, SCREAMING)
(GASPS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS)
(MONKEY GROANS OVER TV)
Don't watch it.
(LAUGHS)
(CROWD CLAMORING OVER TV)
(SINGS) Everybody toots
Toots, toots, toots...
(STATIC OVER TV)
(TV BEEPING)
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRACE GIGGLES)
(MUSIC FADES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(DOOR CLANGING)
(KEYS JINGLING)
Hello?
Excuse me, could I get
another phone call, please?
My brother was supposed
to be here hours ago.
Hello? Excuse me! (GROANS)
(EXHALES)
I... I can see my own breath!
(EXHALES)
(DOOR CLANGING)
Is Jeff here?
POLICE CONSTABLE: Out you go.
CUSTODY SERGEANT:
Sign that for me, please.
Oh, you took your time.
Ah. What a fun way
to say thank you.
Are you real?
I just spent
the entire night in there.
I was absolutely terrified.
I cried loads.
You're welcome.
I was just at a gong bath...
(BRIAN SIGHS)
...with Guru Nova Avalon.
Wild. And Kate Winslet
was there...
CUSTODY SERGEANT: Thank you.
...but I couldn't tell,
it was dark.
BRIAN: I swear to God...
Thank you so much.
...if I don't make it
to my presentation...
Hey, I saw you on the telly.
Is it only
children's entertainers
that you punch these days?
Oh. (LAUGHS)
Jeff, shut your mouth, please.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CELLPHONE RINGS, VIBRATES)
Hi.
BRIAN: Hiya, love.
Yeah, yeah, no,
I'm with Jeff now.
He's just got here.
Look, I know I messed up.
I... I... I know,
I know, I'm so sorry.
I just--
I don't know what came over me.
I'm just-- Oh, sorry.
DRUNK WOMAN: I can walk.
DRUNK WOMAN:
I'm fine, I can walk myself!
All right, darling?
Honestly, Brian, I just...
I don't really know
what to say to you right now.
Yeah, I know.
I... I just wanted
to do something bold.
Something that would
excite Dylan,
and impress the school.
I'm an absolute idiot.
I really am.
You are.
SARAH: (OVER CELLPHONE)
Well that's an understatement.
Dylan saw it all, by the way.
Great example
you're setting there.
BRIAN: Okay, but please know
how sorry I am.
I really am.
And I promise I'll make it up
to you and Dylan.
I really will.
Right, I have to get
to the presentation.
I'll call in
and see you after, yeah?
Wish me luck. Love you.
I love you. Love you so much.
Can you just drive?
That's so nice.
Can you just drive, please?
JEFF: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
(GRUNTS) Take that.
What's this?
JEFF: You can't go in
dressed like that.
You look like
you're selling magazines.
I'm not wearing your clothes.
What do you mean, my clothes?
I'm not wearing--
You... you dress like Tintin.
Just hurry up and go.
You should be so lucky
to dress like Tintin.
(SIGHS) Come on, let's go!
Okay, don't wanna alarm you.
The car doesn't have
a lot of charge.
(SEATBELT CLICKING)
JEFF: Where are you going?
Where are you going?
BRIAN: I'm gonna get
the bus, Jeff.
JEFF: Where are you go--
Don't get the bus,
you'll get mugged!
(CAR DOOR CLOSING)
(COMMITTEE MEMBERS MURMURING)
Just... just give him
a little more time.
No, seriously,
three more minutes,
nothing else.
I promise you,
his son is quite extraordinary.
You're going to--
Brian, you made it!
Sorry, I got locked up.
(GROANS)
I meant locked up
into a meeting.
I'm so sorry. Sorry.
(COMMITTEE MEMBERS MURMURING)
Gosh, it's a...
interesting outfit.
Uh, Brian, could you take
the podium, please?
Yeah. (BREATHES HEAVILY)
I'm very sorry, I haven't...
I haven't prepared anything.
Um, I...
SYLVIA: That's all right.
That's all right, Brian.
Yeah.
SYLVIA: Just, um...
Brian, what do you think
that Puggsley could do
for your son, Dylan?
Okay, uh...
(BREATHES DEEPLY) Um...
The Puggsley Academy
of Excellence
can give my son
the opportunities that...
that I never had.
I was a football star at school.
My coach and my dad,
they... they were prepping me
for the pros.
I barely went to class.
And me teachers
passed me, but...
(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)
...no one cared
to push me because...
'cause I was a star.
And then I broke my ankle.
I couldn't play anymore.
There I was, 18, and...
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
...and quite washed up, I was.
So, I...
so, I left school,
and I started digging ditches
on construction sites
for the next five years.
I didn't make it back
to university
till my late 20s,
and... and I struggled
through business school.
(SIGHS) I did...
I did everything backwards.
And I... I just don't want Dylan
to make the same mistake.
Don't get me wrong...
the world needs ditch diggers
as much as it needs doctors,
but... I just want Dylan
to have the choice...
to be a doctor
or a ditch digger,
if... if that's what he wants.
And I believe
that Puggsley can give my son
the freedom
that... that I never had.
Thank you very much
for listening to me.
I'm... I'm sorry
I didn't have anything...
I didn't have anything prepared.
Uh, I... I did,
but... don't matter.
That was...
that was wonderful, Brian.
BRIAN: Thank you.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
BRIAN: Thank you. I'll just--
Thank you very much. Cheers.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(DOOR OPENING)
(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
(GASPS)
Brian, did you meet
the Wild and Crazies?
Oh, that's right,
of course you have.
But don't worry,
I... I told them...
I told them you're going
through a rough time.
All right?
All's forgiven. All right?
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
Sha.
Sha.
ELEPHANT: Sha!
MONKEY: Sha-da-di-dah!
(SINGS)
She's not just a pretty face
She'll build rockets
To outer space
Einstein's got nothing
On my Grace
No children's book
She hasn't read
She almost never wets
The bed
She is my everything
My Grace
Whoo-ooh, say Grace
And when her daddy
Has to leave town
You cross her
And I'll cut you down
She is my little miracle
My Grace
Yes, she is
(IMITATES MONKEY CHATTERING)
(SINGS) My little miracle
My Grace
Whoo-ooh
God, he's... he's so good.
Say Grace
THE WILD AND CRAZIES:
Whoo-ooh
Whoo-ooh
THE WILD AND CRAZIES:
Say Grace
Say Grace
(MUSIC FADES)
(COMMITTEE MEMBERS
CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(LAUGHS) That's great, Alan.
(CHUCKLES) That's extraordinary.
Hey, we'll see you
at the restaurant opening.
Jeff?
(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm gonna need those tickets.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Two quacking ducks, 22.
(RESIDENTS QUACKING)
Hello, everyone.
How are you all?
You okay?
Brian, we've missed you.
And I have missed you lot...
Hi!
Hi, Janice. Are you okay?
JANICE: Hello.
I have come
to take you all out for dinner.
How does that sound?
(RESIDENTS CHEERING)
What about Sarah?
BRIAN: Sarah knows.
Hi!
Hiya, Janice. You okay?
Right. I've got prize tickets
to a restaurant opening.
Yeah?
(RESIDENTS CHEERING)
So, this way, everyone.
Come on, Janice, get your coat.
Let's do this!
Hi.
("SEX BOOST" BY SAM NEIDER
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Do you want
Another love drug?
Maybe you need another toy?
Oh, you gotta try one of these,
this is the best.
Really?
They're all great,
but I would try
that one right there. Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Right, in you get.
Come on, spread out.
Bar's over there,
so help yourselves.
Don't be shy.
Just do Jgerbombs.
Ask for a Jgerbomb.
Jgerbombs all round
for everybody.
Alright, dancing,
dancing, dancing.
You got a babysitter, Jan?
Uh, pardon me for one second.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Alano.
What... what...
what... what is this?
These are your radio winners.
No, those are not
my radio winners.
What are you talking about?
BRIAN: Well, they've all got
a ticket, Alan, so...
ALAN: What? (GRUNTS)
What are you doing?
Huh? Are you try--
Sorry, Sebastian.
Champagne's for toffs.
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
He smells like urine.
Yeah, he does.
You smell that?
What are you doing?
I can get rid of them.
I can get rid
of them all right now.
What... (GRUNTS)
BRIAN: I'll take them
for fish and chips.
Just relinquish your spot.
(GLASSES SHATTERING)
(SIGHS)
Oh, oh! Oh!
(RESIDENT 1 GRUNTS)
You get 'em out of here
if I step down.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
(CHUCKLES, GROANS)
(RESIDENT 1 CHUCKLES, GROANS)
I'm your little devil
Sink my teeth in deep
(PENSIVE MUSIC OVERLAPPING)
Never.
It's on, pal. It is on.
Okay.
You hear me?
I do.
It is so on.
Okay.
It is so on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You are gonna regret
the day you met me.
I already do.
ALAN: You're going down.
Judy...
where is everyone?
JUDY: They went out to eat
with Brian, remember?
What?
JUDY: Some restaurant opening.
He has prize tickets.
He said you knew.
I'm your little angel
Dance on blood
That's from your heart
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing? Give me--
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY, GROANS)
(ALAN GRUNTS)
(CROWD GASPING)
SEBASTIAN: That's no way
to treat a lady!
Oh, my God.
Alan, uh, a towel?
I'm sorry.
SYLVIA: Can... can I...
can I get a towel?
Yes, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, let me... let me get...
SYLVIA: Towel?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get off!
(ALAN GRUNTS)
If you take another one
of my drinks,
I'm gonna kick your a*s!
(CROWD GASPING)
SEBASTIAN: I fought
in Korea, you know. (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS) You're so strong.
I'll see you Monday, Alan.
No, Mrs. Lawrence, hold on.
SYLVIA: Excuse me. Excuse me.
(SEBASTIAN GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS) Come on!
Hey! Uh, get... get off me!
I haven't finished with him yet!
RESIDENT 2: Go on, Sebastian...
(SNIFFLES)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(MUSIC FADES)
Are you gonna give me
the silent treatment
or not then?
No.
No. I'm gonna do
the opposite of that.
I'm gonna talk,
and for once, Brian,
you're gonna listen to me.
You've been acting
like an absolute lunatic.
I... (SCOFFS) ...I love how much
you care about Dylan's future,
I admire your passion,
But this isn't even
about him anymore, is it?
It's about you.
Like...
you've been in fights,
you've been in jail,
you've kidnapped
senior citizens.
I mean, who does that?
I was on board
with applying to Puggsley.
I stand by that
no matter what, right?
But we need to get back
to making decisions together.
We are a brilliant team
when we're on the same page.
Can we please get back on it?
Okay?
Yeah.
SARAH: Right.
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
LAUREN: Found you.
Hey.
LAUREN: Hi.
It'll be all right.
We'll sort this.
There isn't a single problem
we can't find a way to fix.
I know
this night was huge for you,
and I know
how hard you've worked.
But I also know this business,
and I know
how many challenges there are,
and this is
just a minor setback.
It's a glitch.
Steel sharpens steel, remember?
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
What the...
(MUSIC FADES)
Oh, you must be mad.
Eh, mate, oi!
What's this? What's going on?
What's going on?
What's all this?
We have to shut you down
for the next few weeks
until we get the situation
under control.
Few weeks?
Mate, I can't afford a few days.
We've had no issues.
I have never seen
an infestation of this degree
in my entire career.
This entire area
is a health hazard.
It can't be that bad, surely?
Have you seen them?
Seen what?
My hands are tied. I'm sorry.
I'll be sending you out
some official paperwork
for you to fill out ASAP.
And there's lots of it.
Best of luck to you.
Brilliant. Wicked.
(YELLS) No!
What's happened?
Alan has happened, Sarah.
SARAH: What?
He's infested me.
Infested you with what?
I don't know, I don't know,
but they've shut...
they've shut me down for weeks.
What?
Who does that?
How'd you do that?
How'd you...
how'd you start an infestation?
(INSECT SKITTERING)
BRIAN: He's obviously
a sociopath, isn't he?
Uh, babe, babe.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
He knew!
SARAH: Just...
He bloody knew
that this'd mess me up.
I'd be more freaked out
if I weren't so pissed off.
He's a very sick man.
He needs help.
(EXHALES) Babe, just--
Will you just stay calm...
BRIAN: What?
...and just--
Sorry. Just because--
Just... just on... on--
It's on you.
Just stay calm.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREAMS, ECHOES, FADES)
Brian, what...
what are you doing?
Brian, you're scaring me.
Look at your face!
We've gotta go to the hospital.
What are you doing?
Hey, Brian, you taking
the day off from work?
What... what are you doing?
Brian, what are you doing
with that?
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(DISTORTED) Brian!
Well, uh, there's something
very wrong with your face.
(GRUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
Yeah, I... I...
I can't understand
what you're saying.
Maybe it's 'cause your face
is so huge.
(GRUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
(STUTTERS) I don't know
what you're saying.
(SCREAMS, GRUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
Brian, stop it.
Brian, don't you dare.
Whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
SARAH: Brian, stop it! Don't...
Brian, what... what...
what are you doing?
Stop it! Brian?
What are you doing?
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)
(IN SLOW MOTION)
No! No! No, no, no!
(HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh my God!
(ALAN BREATHES HEAVILY)
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, my God.
(GRUNTS)
(SLEDGEHAMMER THUDS)
SARAH: Lauren!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(BOTH SCREAM, GRUNT)
(LAUGHS)
(GROANS)
(PANTS, GRUNTS)
(BOTH PANT)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
(BOTH PANT, GRUNT)
BRIAN: What are you doing?
I wouldn't want you
to forget this.
Alan!
No! No!
Oh, felt so good.
("LIBIAMO NE'LIETI CALICI"
PLAYING)
(BOTH GRUNT)
Hold on, hold on. (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
I'm gonna body flip you off!
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
(BREATHES HEAVILY, GROANS)
(BOTH GRUNT)
(BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY)
(BOTH GRUNT, GROAN)
Oh, no! (STRAINS) Brian!
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTS, SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS) Yeah, I got you!
Don't break it!
I'll break your arm.
ALAN: I'll break it.
BRIAN: I'll break your arm,
by God!
What is going on?
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop! Stop it, guys! Stop!
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
(BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY)
What are you doing?
He came rolling in here
like a troll...
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)
wielding an actual weapon.
And he destroyed our family...
Babe, he destroyed
our family history
with a sledgehammer.
Uh, I don't care
about the statue.
There's nothing this guy...
I hate that statue.
It's not even real.
What?
I made the whole thing up
to impress you, Alan
I got it from a garden center
in Chiswick.
There used
to be a beautiful big oak tree
in that spot there,
filled with birds,
and bees, and insects.
Sorry to mention it, Brian.
But my great-great-grandfather
cut it down
during an argument about
where his land ended.
And so I can see
the cycle is continuing.
Carry on then.
Beat each other up.
Knock it all down! (SCREAMS)
(SIGHS DEEPLY) Fix it.
Yeah. Fix yourselves.
Brian, this is embarrassing.
You've lost it.
I am this close. Yeah?
I need a drink.
Yeah, so do I.
Do you want to go for a drink?
Yes, I do.
Sort it out!
(GRUNTS, BREATHES HEAVILY)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Get off.
I just think you need a doctor.
Yeah, I-- Yeah.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING)
Spiders, really?
Hmm. Yeah.
Uh, you... you destroyed
my restaurant.
It's an early-bird
special diner now.
So, yeah, spiders.
Well, I'm very sorry
about your restaurant.
I'm sorry about your face.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Does it hurt?
BRIAN: Yeah.
It looks really stupid.
I'm very aware of that.
Your cardigan looks stupid.
Seems like, uh, Lauren and Sarah
really hit it off.
Mm.
Right? (EXHALES DEEPLY)
I bet they're having
a good laugh
at our expense right now.
Oh, I don't think
they're laughing.
(UPBEAT MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
LAUREN: Mm!
Mm!
Oh, uh... (EXHALES)
Oh wowzers. Oh, no.
I just need Alan to realize
that he's enough.
He's more than enough.
I mean, Brian's had
his own business
since he was 21.
I have no idea
what he's trying to prove.
LAUREN: Idiots!
It's ridiculous.
God.
D'you know...
I realize
I got way too obsessed.
Not just about a preschool spot,
even though
that is very important...
but also...
I just want Dylan to have
everything that you have.
And I... I feel like
such a fraud
trying to get him into a school
that's so different
to anything
that I had growing up.
You've earned
everything you got.
You went out there,
and you built something
for yourself, that's...
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
It's impressive.
Me, I'm just... I'm just good
at seeming impressive.
BRIAN: Mm!
(GRUNTS)
When I met Alan,
we fell in love so quickly,
and we tried for babies
for a long time.
And IVF.
And then we were told,
"No, not possible."
And I was 39 and terrified.
So, we stopped trying,
and moved on with our lives.
SARAH: Hmm.
And then, out of the blue...
Grace,
our little miracle arrived.
ALAN: Grace has got
to be better than me.
She's gonna carve her own path.
She's not gonna depend
on the good fortune
of others to find her way, no.
No. (EXHALES DEEPLY)
Well, it looks like
we just want the same thing.
Yeah.
What's best for our children.
It's not an easy thing
to figure out though, is it?
(LAUGHS) No. Nope, not at all.
Yeah.
LAUREN:
This whole preschool thing,
it's given me
quite a bit of anxiety.
Yeah.
It's the beginning of them
getting older, isn't it?
(BREATHES DEEPLY) Yeah.
I never thought
I'd be the type of mother
to get weepy
about this kind of thing.
But I... I like my Gracie
being at home with me
all the time.
Uh, she's my best friend.
Isn't that pathetic?
It's not pathetic at all.
They're our babies.
But let's just remember,
it's just preschool.
Hmm.
They're still gonna need us
for everything else. (CHUCKLES)
And hey, why don't you take
those five extra hours a day,
and do something that you love?
(SCOFFS)
I don't know
what that is anymore. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, me neither. (CHUCKLES)
But... we could
figure it out together.
You know, Dylan has
just as good a shot as Grace
at getting into that school.
Money is not everything.
Oh, I know. I know that.
The more I've gotten
to know you,
the more I know that to be true.
(LAUGHS, GROANS)
Yeah, well, I'm sure
Grace enjoys her big house.
Ah, I just never felt
comfortable there, you know?
It just doesn't feel like home.
It's...
Smelly.
It's what?
What were you gonna say
about the house?
What were you gonna
say about...?
I said "smelly."
But what were you gonna say?
What do you mean, "smelly"?
'Cause your house
is a bit smelly.
Smelly drapes.
Hmm?
I said you've got smelly drapes.
You smelled my drapes?
BRIAN: Yeah.
Why... why... why would you...
why would you do that?
I just smell things.
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
(AMBULANCE SIRENS WAILING)
(PANTS)
Please. No... no, honestly.
(PANTS)
(CAR HORN HONKING)
(CAR DOOR OPENING)
Oh, Alan, you look terrible.
And... and... and... you look
very fancy, Roze.
ROZE: Um, uh...
(SCOFFS)
What?
(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ALAN SNIFFLES)
ALAN: Come on, love.
There we go.
Good girl.
Hiya.
LAUREN: Hi!
Moment of truth.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
No hard feelings either way.
Gracie, Dylan, this way.
We're going to that school.
SARAH: Come on.
ALAN: Come on.
Here we go.
What do you think
of that place, Dylan?
(MUMBLES) It's all right.
(MUSIC FADES)
(DOOR OPENING)
(EXHALES)
Right, uh...
Mrs. Lawrence, what is it?
Is something wrong? You okay?
Oh, I... I'm very sorry
for keeping you waiting.
(CHUCKLES) And, um...
Well, I... I... I'm even sorrier
for what I'm about to tell you.
There's no longer an open slot.
It's been filled.
I... I'm so sorry
for disappointing all of you.
Uh, it's... it's nothing
to do with your children.
No, un... unfortunately...
nepotism has reared
its ugly head,
and the owner
is sending her niece
who's just moved down here
with her family from Cambridge.
I'm so sorry.
(BRIAN EXHALES)
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
(GROUP LAUGHS)
(GROANS, COUGHS)
(GROANS)
Wow.
Mm! (CHUCKLES) Um...
Who's the owner?
My mother-in-law.
Yeah.
Right, okay.
Shall we? Thanks then.
(LAUREN LAUGHS)
ALAN: It's been fun, Sylvia.
Thank you.
(DOOR OPENING)
(EXHALES) Okay, Grace,
time to go.
ALAN: All right, Gracie.
Uh, excuse me. Um, Excuse me.
Where are our children?
I don't understand.
They were just here.
Nope, not anymore.
I had to take a call.
Uh, so sorry.
Uh, they can't be far.
Uh, excuse me, mate.
Did you see
a girl and a boy leave here?
Yeah, they left
a few minutes ago.
You didn't find that strange?
JANITOR: Look around.
Everything about this place
is strange.
Okay, uh, where did they go?
Uh, I think they found
their way to Julie.
Well, who's Julie?
Hopscotch.
Oh.
Oh, that's the, uh...
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(KIDS CHATTERING)
(ALAN GROANS, GRUNTS)
BRIAN: Oh!
Watch your head, mate.
JULIE: There you go. Good work.
Excuse me.
Oh, great. There you are.
Uh, we have a couple
of very cute kids
who I think might belong
to you guys? (CHUCKLES)
Yes!
Yes!
They're just through there.
Oh, thank God.
Thank you.
Thanks.
They've only been here
for a moment,
but they have jumped right in.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES) Look at that.
I'm Julie. Oh, sorry. I'm Julie.
I was gonna go next door
to find you,
but you saved me the track.
Well, we thank you
for... for looking after
the kids, Julie.
Yeah.
Oh, no worries.
How did you know
we were next door?
Oh, you would be surprised
how often this happens
during Puggsley's
registration season. (CHUCKLES)
Really?
Really?
Yeah. I mean,
don't get me wrong,
I think they're running
a very impressive institution
over there.
But, you know,
not right for every child.
Hmm.
Hmm.
If you'll excuse me,
I'd better go prep
a few activities.
But feel free to walk around.
Thank you.
Thank you.
DYLAN: "Get up.
It's time to do your puzzle."
"Come on,
math equations are fun."
"We want you
to be strong and smart
so you could be the best!"
"What about playing
hide and seek?"
"No hide and seek.
Hide and seek is for dumb kids."
GRACE: "But I want
to ride my bike."
DYLAN: "After you learn
how to be an astronaut."
"Don't you want to be the best?"
"You've got to put in the work
if you're going to be the best."
GRACE: "Okay, Dad,
you're right."
"I want to be the best."
DYLAN: "That's my girl!"
Oh, you found us!
Hey, that was great!
That was great, honey.
What a performance! (CHUCKLES)
Hello, kid. That was brilliant.
(TENDER MUSIC PLAYING)
BRIAN: Come on, lad.
It was, uh-- It was--
It was wonderful, darling.
JULIE: So, what'd you think
of the place?
I mean, it...
it does look like a lot of fun.
JULIE: Yeah. We want them
to love to learn.
Just like us,
they're pushed too hard,
we get burnt out and bitter
and we quit. (CHUCKLES)
We don't want that.
Agreed.
To burn out by the age of six
would be very tragic.
Hmm.
Yeah.
BRIAN: What do we need to do
to get our kids into the school?
JULIE: Oh, you just sign up.
You just sign up? That's it?
Yeah. And then I put together
a monthly schedule
so you know
what your kids are up to.
Uh... can we leave them here?
Well, we can
sign you all up, and then...
come and pick them up at 04:00?
Okay. Thank you, Julie.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Wow.
(SCOFFS)
LAUREN: I want to play here.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
By the power vested in me
by... the Internet...
(BOTH LAUGH)
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
...I now pronounce you
husband and wife!
Kiss me, you hairy beast!
(GUESTS CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
(BOTH LAUGH)
("CAN WE FORGET"
BY ALEXSUCKS PLAYING)
I can't believe we're family!
(IN DISTORTED VOICE)
We're family!
Well, no, love, definitely
not family at all, is he?
No matter what.
Did you forget?
Oh, oh, oh
Wasting my time again
Say, we could fall in love
Run away and start anew
I wish I knew what's best
Why are we so dumb?
Now I hate you, oh
And you hate me
Oh, ah, ah
Can we just forget?
Oh, ah, ah
I need you again
Oh, ah, ah
Can we just forget
Oh, ah, ah
I need you again
Doo-doo-doo, do-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo
Cause I've seen you out
With someone I used to know
Wasted drunk leaving
Now I'm going home
Now my brain
Is playing with me
(CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
I need to go
Cause it's hard to leave you
When I see you again
(MUSIC STOPS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Oh, hello. Guess what?
This morning,
I've been a very big boy,
or a very big monkey,
and I put on my nappy
all by myself!
Do you want to do that too?
I bet you do.
'Cause sometimes...
your grown-ups might be
a bit too busy to help you.
So, you can impress them
by putting it through one leg,
and then the other,
and then pulling it up really...
slowly, so it's nice and tight.
Flap it over like that.
Flap it over like that.
And then breathe in.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
(WHEEZING)
And then make sure that
nothing can escape
from the other side.
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Otherwise, you'll have
a very wet pair of legs.
But I haven't!
I've got two lovely
great big legs
that are nice and dry,
and so have you!
So, look, we're dressed.
Isn't that brilliant?
("EVERYBODY TOOTS" PLAYING)
Everybody toots
Toot, toot!
Everybody toots
Toot, toot!
Even mom and dad
And the animals at the zoo
Everybody toots
Everybody burps
Burp, burp!
Everybody burps
Burp, burp!
We all need to feel relieved
When our tummy hurts
Everybody burps
Wash your hands
Scrub, scrub!
Wash your hands
Scrub, scrub!
Wipe front to back
Now back to front
Front to back
Wash your hands
Blow your nose
Blow, blow!
It's like a garden hose
Garden hose!
Ask for a tissue
To fix the issue
Don't be gross
Blow your nose
Everybody toots
Toot, toot!
Everybody toots
Toot, toot!
Even mom and dad
And the animals at the zoo
Everybody toots
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHOIR VOCALIZING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
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Preschool (2026)
Moderators: Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341