08x12 - Welcome to m*rder at Sea

[bunniefuu]

Okay. The gutters are clear.

You know, I loved you guys
when you were little and cute,

but I love you even more now
that you're grown and useful.

Oh, Marty, Pops is being
super nice. [LAUGHS]

He's about to ask us
to do something else.

You know what? About
all these hedges right here,

- I need you to clip 'em...
- [OVERLAPPING PROTESTING]

I hear the voice of my son Malcolm.

But that couldn't be, could it?

Is that you, Malcolm?

- Get out my face, Mama.
- [CHUCKLING]

Yes, I've been a little bit busy.

Oh. I get it.

Your girlfriend's
a fancy reality star.

She keeps her men on a short leash.

That is not true.

Trophy Divas, season four, episode six.

She had her husband
Garnett on a leash.

Are you guys ready for Dave's
surprise party this weekend?

Oh-h*-h*, so ready.

Titanic themed
m*rder mystery party? Yeah.

Uh, Gemma, that's the most
Dave-a*s thing I've ever heard.

Oh, here comes Dave.

Be cool. Be-be cool.

- Be cool.
- [PROTESTING]

Hey, buddy. What you got there?

- Ah, just been out collecting
all my birthday freebies. - Ah.

Got a smoothie, a latte,

small fries from Gravy Jack's.

Dave, that sounds like a lot.

Oh, I'm just getting started.
You know,

this is why you always put
your D.O.B. in the apps.

Next stop, Jiffy Lube.

Um, Malcolm,
feel free to bring Mercedes.

Fat chance, Gemma.

He's scared to introduce her to us.

Oh, not us, Mama.

Just you.

Look, look, Malcolm, Malcolm.

You know, if this thing
with you and Mercedes is real,

you're gonna have to introduce
her to your mama sometime.

Think about it, man. It's a big party.

We're all there running interference.

Dave's making everything
about his birthday.

- I mean, that's a good point.
- Yeah.

All right. Uh, uh, Gemma?

I will ask her.

- Yes.
- And, no,

Mama, I will not be on a leash.

That's exactly what Garnett said.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

Okay. I have spent
all day on this lemon

olive oil cake,
but I got to go do my makeup.

So if the timer goes off,

please check it.

And do what?

- Just check it.
- Yeah. Check it for what?

Just check the cake, man!

[TIMER DINGS]

[DOOR SHUTS IN DISTANCE]

Checked.

[KNOCKING]

Ahoy, my good man.

Oh, uh, no, thank you.

We already love the Lord.

[KNOCKING]

Uh, no, I'm, uh, here
to set up the party.

- Oh! Oh. I'm-I'm sorry. Please.
- Yeah. All right.

It happens a lot.

Uh, I'm Casper.

And, uh, the birthday boy's son

is going to help me this evening.

Oh. Uh...

Hey, what's up, Grover?

I'm not Grover, Mr. Calvin.

Tonight I am
the coal baron Chazz Muldoon.

I'm rich in money

and in enemies.

[GRUNTS]
Baby, this thing weighs a ton.

What's in it?

Only the best hostess gift ever.

I really want to impress your family.

Okay. [GRUNTS]

- Oh.
- Hey.

I have got to set this down
before I tear a bicep.

Salutations.

I'm Chazz Muldoon.

Perhaps you've enjoyed my coal?

Uh, Grover, don't be weird, okay?

He's not family.

Ah.

You must be Mercedes.

I'm Calvin. I'm Malcolm's dad.

- It's so nice to meet you.
- Good.

- Uh, call me Sadie.
- Okay.

Mercedes.

Hi. I'm Tina.

Nice to meet you. Sorry I'm a mess.

- I just finished decorating the cake.
- Oh.

It smells wonderful.

- Uh, you know, I checked on it.
- [CHUCKLES]

Well, the only thing better
than a cake

- is...
- [CHUCKLING]

...two cakes.

What? Wha...

- Whoa.
- That is art.

A-Are you telling me this is a cake?

- It's amazing, right?
- Wow.

I'm friends with the producers
of that show Is It Cake?

[CHUCKLING]: Wow.

- [SHUTTER CLICKING]
- You brought a big old fancy cake

that, uh,

dwarfs the cake I spent all day on.

That's-that's nice. R-Really nice.

- Nice, nice.
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh, yeah.

- [STAMMERS] Uh...
- [CHUCKLES]

Okay, now I'll get
a picture of yours, too.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Oh! Uh, I see Dave and Gemma coming.

- Oh, uh, should we hide?
- [CHATTERING]

Uh...

[GROANS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

ALL: Surprise!

Greetings, sir.

And welcome

aboard the RMS Titanic.

I regret to inform you

that there is about to be...

a m*rder.

[GASPS]

Best birthday ever!

[LOUD CLANGING]

Good evening, passengers.

Each of you have been given a dossier.

It tells you
not only who you are but how

and why you are capable
of the ultimate crime...

m*rder.

If there is a red card
in your dossier,

then you are the m*rder*r.

And for the rest of you, well,

your mission is simple...

solve the case and ensure
that justice is served

before dessert is served.

[CHUCKLES] This guy's a trained actor.

You can tell.

Guilty.

[LAUGHS]

Now, you, sir,

please introduce yourself.

[FRENCH ACCENT]:
The name is Count Montague.

I have an exquisite
collection of jewels.

How did I come by them?

That is none of your business!

Oh. Uh, uh...

Jimmy's the name, see?

I'm a simple stowaway, I tell ya.

Thinking ain't my strong suit,

but if you underestimate me,

think again, pal.

Get your foot off my table.

[MID-ATLANTIC ACCENT]: My
name is Violet Clendenington, darling.

No doubt you've read about me
in the gossip columns.

I'm engaged to the wealthy
coal baron Chazz Muldoon.

[CHUCKLING]

But is it love or opportunity?

[SPANISH ACCENT]: Hola!

Mi nombre es Prince Mauricio.

And I am a lover of women.

And I have had conquests
on every continent.

But, today, the fuego en mi corazón

blazes only for one woman.

Violet Clendenington.

Ha! That's Mama.

You nasty, Mauricio.

- No.
- You're nasty.

- No. Uh...
- What?

- Hey, Dave, switch with me.
- What?

I'm already lost in Jimmy.

- Come on, man.
- Okay, fine.

Okay. Uh...

I guess I am now, uh, Prince Mauricio.

But because I'm Castilian,
I pronounce it "Maurithio."

[LISPING]:
And when Muldoon goes to sleep,

we will make sweet, sweet amor.

Count Montague
about to kick your royal "ath."

[c*ck]: Pip, pip, cheerio!

I'm Zelda Cadwallader, I am.

Proud daughter of a ratcatcher
and a cheesemonger.

Now I'm personal assistant
to Mr. Chazz Muldoon.

[GASPS, REGULAR VOICE]: Oh, my God.

Remember when you made your assistant

do traffic school for you?

- I loved that.
- Thank you.

[CHUCKLES]

[NEW YORK ACCENT]:
Uh, cigars, cigarettes?

I'm Daisy Summers.

I work the floor
at the Starlight Club.

But I've got dreams bigger than this.

Just you wait.

I'm wholesome, but I got
a thing for millionaires.

[SCOFFS] Well, half of that is true.

- Come on. Play nice.
- No, you tell her to play nice,

showing me up
with some big dumbass cake.

Uh, uh, uh, Marty,

who are you?

Oh, uh...

Wham! Bam! Pow!

[LISPING]: Name's Joltin' Joe Jenkins,

heavyweight boxer.

And I could've been a contender.

But I fell in with some bad mugs.

Bah!

And I am Madame Lita,

fortune teller, seer of secrets.

Let me gaze into the mists
of your future.

Although, truth be told,
if I were really psychic,

I would have never gotten
on the Titanic.

Oh, no.

I regret to inform you...

[SIGHS] Chazz Muldoon,

the millionaire coal baron,

will not be joining us for dinner.

Because he has been m*rder*d!

[GASPING]

Sacré bleu!

Oh, God!

They done k*lled Grover.

I know it's a game,

but I'm uncomfortable with
Grover laying there like that.

I know. He's on my bed
wearing his outside clothes.

Guys, come on.
Look, the game is afoot.

Now let's all look for clues.

I believe that's
lipstick on his collar.

- There's a rope under the pillow, see?
- [GASPS] Oh!

[c*ck]: There's a little
bottle next to his sherry glass,

and, blimey,
if it don't have a skull on it.

[LISPING]: It's poison!

[GASPING]

[FRENCH ACCENT]: Was he stabbed?

Or was he poisoned?

[NEW YORK ACCENT]: Or strangled?

The spirits are telling me

that someone should have made
stronger narrative choices.

Well, dead or alive,

- these shoes are coming off.
- MARTY: Mama.

I have drunk deeply at
the nectar of your passion.

But do you love me enough
to draw blood for me,

my beautiful flower?

The next name you
call me better be Tina,

or there's gonna be another m*rder.

I will mark you down

as a maybe.

Yeah, you do that.

Tina. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

I am catching the vibe that you
and I got off on the wrong foot.

Was it the cake?

Yeah, let's go with the cake.

Yeah, well, um,

it's a little over-the-top, I know.

I was just trying so hard
to impress you guys.

I can be a little clueless sometimes.

Mm. Like the episode you wore
white to Sienna's wedding?

- [LAUGHS]
- That was crazy.

- [CHUCKLING]
- No, that was on purpose.

Hey, look, look, look, y'all,
they smiling.

And laughing.

Ah, you know what,
Pop, you were right.

This was a great idea.

[FRENCH ACCENT]: This is what I do.

You can always count on the Count...

[JAMAICAN ACCENT]:
for a great idea, mon.

So now you're Jamaican?

Shabba!

While I've got you,

I want to surprise Malcolm,
but I need your help.

- Mm.
- Can you get me his passport number?

Oh, his passport?
Is he going somewhere?

I want to kidnap him
and take him to Barbados.

- Oh, wow. That's nice. When?
- [CHUCKLES]

The second week of April.

Oh.

On my birthday.

Oh!

You're an Aries.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, I'm catching
that cake vibe again.

Don't be silly. I mean, I just
always knew the day would come

when Malcolm wouldn't celebrate
my birthday with me.

I just always thought
I'd be dead, but...

[LAUGHS]
you never know. Maybe I will be.

Okay.

So let me get this straight.

You want me to reschedule
a trip out of the country

so your grown son

can spend your birthday with you?

Oh, so you get it.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry, but I went
through a lot of trouble

to get Malcolm booked
at the best spa in Barbados.

Oh. Well, I went
through a lot of trouble

to push Malcolm's giant
baby head through my pelvis.

So, ladies, how's it going over here?

Oh, it's going great for Malcolm.

He's going to Barbados.

- Ooh.
- Whoa, I am?

- TINA: Mm-hmm.
- Uh, it was supposed to be a surprise.

Oh, I didn't say the other surprise,

which is the date.

Which is on my birthday.

Oh, damn.

MALCOLM: Okay, wait, wait. Mama,

there's no way
she could've known that.

It's fine, Malcolm.
I knew this was coming.

This is what she does.

You get your claws in a man,

you take over his life,

and the next thing you know,

you've got him on a leash.

Okay, wait, wait, I am not on a leash.

Oh, forget the leash.

You're the one
who needs to cut the cord.

Oh.

Uh, g-guys?

[SIGHS] Guys,

it is my birthday party,

and apparently I'm the only one
that's excited that...

Grover is dead in the other room.

Dave, don't say it like that.

Yes, and the k*ller is still at large.

Casper, would you please read the room?

I bet you this cake
don't even taste good.

Damn it. It's delicious.

I'm sorry, Malcolm.

You know, I should've seen
this one coming.

We Butler men, we don't go
for quiet, demure women.

We like strong women
that speak their minds.

Are you saying I like Mercedes
'cause she's like Mama?

[CHUCKLES]

It's a family curse.

So, how do I choose a side here, Pop?

Well, I'm-a tell you like my
great-grandfather would tell me.

And he would say, "Son,

"if you have to choose

"between the two most important
women in your life,

choose the one you go home with."

[DOOR OPENS]

How can you not like Titanic?

I'm just saying, the movie
could have been so much shorter.

They get on board.
"Hey, everybody, great boat!"

Then, boom, iceberg! Aah!

- Splash! The end.
- Okay, okay.

Hey, hey, hey, nerds.

We are kind of talking out here.

Uh, I'm sorry, Malcolm.

Do you own outside?

You better relax, man. Calm down.

- [ARGUING]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop this.
What are y'all doing out here?

Leaving me in there with her.

Okay, Mama,

there's no great way
to say this, but...

I got to pick sides and...

...I choose Mercedes.

You what?

Our relationship is real, Ma.

I've been seeing her
for almost three months now.

And I've been seeing her for
five seasons of Trophy Divas.

Well, six if you count the
spin-off Hell in the Hamptons.

And the only difference

between that Mercedes
and the one that I met today

is that there aren't any cameras here.

Okay, fine.

You have made up your mind about her.

But you know what?

So have I.

And I choose Mercedes.

- Where is this coming from?
- Well, I...

Pop!

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I just said that you have to be
on your woman's side.

Like I'm on your side against Malcolm.

Mm-mm.

No, Malcolm, this is not about me.

I'm trying to protect you from her.

I don't need to be protected
from Mercedes.

Excuse me.

Mercedes would like to weigh in here.

Uh, no, Sadie, look, baby,
it's okay, all right?

No, no, I want to.

Um...

I get it.

I'm your worst nightmare.

Your son just brought home someone

who was on TMZ last week

having a slap fight with Alec Baldwin.

What can I say?

Sometimes I can be blunt.

Oh. I can see.

And I don't apologize for it.

Oh, big surprise there.

And you know what?

I have only known you for an hour,

and I can already tell...

you're exactly like me.

- Didn't I call it?
- You did.

They're the same.

Am I wrong?

No, you're not wrong.

I don't hold my tongue for anyone.

Diva recognize diva.

Good.

Because I need you to understand

I am crazy about your son.

He gets me in a way
that no one ever has.

So I'm gonna say to you
what I said to Denise Richards

at the season three reunion when
she told me I was in her seat.

I'm not going anywhere,

- honey.
- Honey.

I loved when you said that.

Yeah, I never liked her.

[LAUGHING]

Hello?

If I wanted to spend the night
hanging with Gemma

while my son lies around lifelessly,

I would have stayed at home.

All right. All right. Come on.

Let's play.

♪ ♪

It has become clear to me
that everyone in this room

had a motive to k*ll Chazz Muldoon.

- Even this dashing lothario.
- GEMMA: Aw.

At first,
I thought it might be Violet.

[DRAMATIC STING]

Sweet, sultry Violet.

Oh, the moments of passion we shared.

Well, it was not me.

My love. [GAGGING]

It was not her.

But...

Count Montague.

[DRAMATIC STING]

You stole Muldoon's jewels.

[FRENCH ACCENT]: Yes.

I may have stolen the jewels.

Those beautiful,

glimmering jewels.

But m*rder?

[DRAMATIC STING]

No.

You are no m*rder*r.

Why would you k*ll the man,

when you and he were in cahoots
to share the insurance money?

- Oh. Been there, done that.
- [CHUCKLES]

Season four finale.

I love you.

And then there's... Jimmy.

[DRAMATIC STING]

The stowaway.

Sweet, dumb Jimmy.

I know it wasn't you.

Yep. [GRUNTS] Because you knew
Muldoon was my real pappy.

He was?

N-No. No.

Because I looked at your dossier

before we traded characters,

- and it didn't say "m*rder*r."
- Oh.

Which brings me to...

Madame Lita.

[DRAMATIC STINGS]

It was the unique jewels
on the handle of the dagger

that gave her away.

The same jewels

on the Lita family's crest.

- Mm.
- Proving beyond a shadow of a doubt

that Madame Lita

is the m*rder*r.

[DRAMATIC STINGS]

No.

It says "innocent" on my card.

Huh?

Oh. Well, then...

The m*rder*r must be Zelda!

[DRAMATIC STINGS]

[c*ck]: Yes! I k*lled him.

- Ha.
- Muldoon stole my idea

for a coal-powered submarine, he did.

So, yeah,

I k*lled him, I did.

And I'd do it again!

He's already dead.

How would you do it again?

- Captain! Take her to the brig!
- [GASPING] - CASPER: Ah.

- Come with me, you foul fiend!
- Oh. Oh.

[QUIETLY]: Oh, uh,

- you got my Venmo, right?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Not so fast!

Chazz Muldoon is still very much alive

and hungry for revenge.

The game is over, Chazz.

You can go in there
and eat your piece of that boat.

[MUTTERS]

Honey, um, thank you for the party.

Oh, I'm so glad you liked it, babe.

I have one more birthday request.

Can you keep the accent for later?

[c*ck]: I'm up
for a good shag, I am, I am.