01x05 - Rick Schmandtke

[bunniefuu]

We've kidnapped your son.

- Papa!

- Charly?

Please save me!

sh*t.

I'm driving as fast as I can, okay?

Almost there, almost there, almost there.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

ALL RIGHT, KIDS, WE CAN CROSS NOW.

BUT DON'T RUN!

(CHILDREN'S LAUGHTER)

Agh, hurry up, you idiots!

COME ON, LITTLE TIMO!

sh*t.

I can't, they're in danger.

Ugh!

THE NICE MAN IS LETTING YOU CROSS.

GO AHEAD, TIMO!

f*ck, f*ck! Oh, finally.

sh*t!

- Help!

- I'm here!

Help! Papa!

Stop! Don't move.

Man, you're really out of shape.

You should be doing more cardio.

I know, I know, yeah. Sorry.

Please, please don't hurt him!

- You care about your son?

- Yes, of course!

Then I demand three hours of quality time.

Four hours of quality time.

Every day. Just you and him.

- What? Who are you? What's going on--

- Family road trips, once a week.

To the countryside, with picnics.

Mm.

No, no, uh…

Don't move!

- Johnny.

- Uh, what?

Who's this cool cat Johnny Carrera

everyone keeps mentioning?

- Is this a…

- Uh, no.

Uh…

Chocolate.

Pranked!

- I wasn't tied for realsies.

- It was me, Johnny.

Are the two of you completely nuts?!

I was really worried.

I was panicking here, man!

God, Teddy Bear, look at you. You're so--

- Don't touch me!

- Mm…

Sorry.

I think we all learned

a valuable lesson here.

This prank went too far.

Prank?!

Papa! Papa, we just wanted to get you

to do stand-up paddleboard limbo.

- The season kicks off today.

- What?

With enough practice, we could be

father-and-son stand-up

paddleboard limbo champions, right?

Stand-up paddle limbo?

We call it SUPLI.

Charly, I enjoy spending time with you,

but things are f*cking hectic right now.

I'm supposed to come up with a hit

in a couple of days,

and I don't have time right now, okay?

Not for your pranks,

and not for something

as stupid as stand-up-paddleboard limbo.

But this is important to Charly, you know?

- I don't care, okay?

- Please just try-- Okay.

I can't stress enough

how terrible Charly is

at dealing with rejection.

Bye.

Teddy Bear, did you remember

to switch on the alarm system--

- Shh! Shh! Shh!

- Okay.

And slowly but surely,

he was getting angrier and angrier.

Always turn the alarm on when you

leave the house. If someone breaks in--

Okay.

CRAP HAPPENS

Toni was totally flustered

after the fake abduction.

The ticking clock

was ticking louder than ever,

and he still had no idea

how to make a hit.

How do you make a hit?

Ahh! Okay.

Why? Tupac, I don't wanna

listen to the radio right now.

This is Schitten Radio, back again,

the station that always knows

what's happening… with you.

We're back with a presumably

relevant breaking news report.

For the fourth time in a row,

the national award of honor

for outstanding achievement in rap

goes to Rick Schmandtke.

Rick Schmandtke.

For those of you

who don't know who that is,

Richard "Rick" Schmandtke

is the most successful

German music producer of all time,

and much is said about him.

An unpredictable personality…

Unpredictable.

…very confusing work methods.

Confusing.

…a strong obsession with anything gold…

Gold.

…and an outstanding instinct for a hit.

Hit.

An eccentric musical genius.

Kinda like Kanye West,

only from Wuppertal.

Wuppertal!

And a little less problematic,

politically speaking.

In short, Rick Schmandtke

is a hit machine.

I repeat, Rick Schmandtke

is a hit machine.

Here comes one of his biggest hits…

…of the last five years.

You know where his country house is?

I can't just show up at Rick Schmandtke's

place. He doesn't even know me.

What do I have that he would want?

I can't take the Trabi.

Of course I want a hit.

- I think we went a bit too far, didn't we?

- Yeah.

Charly didn't think they went too far.

Might be best to let him be

for a day or two, right?

Yeah, for sure.

Charly had no intention of letting him be.

Maybe for an hour or two, tops.

Do you wanna do

some stand-up-paddleboard limbo?

Carsten Maria Schrammel.

You know how I feel

about stand-up paddleboard limbo.

Stand-up-paddleboard limbo is a completely

dumb, insanely dangerous sport, all right?

- Grandpa, it's so not dangerous.

- Oh!

Tell that to those

who survived the stand-up

paddleboard limbo m*ssacre of 2017.

It was a windy day.

Too windy for that time of year.

But they got in the water anyway.

I tried to warn them, Charly.

I was yelling,

"No, wait, don't go in the water!"

"Don't go in!

Don't set the limbo bar so low."

"That's too difficult!"

Screams, water, blood.

"I won't let you go, Jack."

Jack!

Who's Jack?

On that dark day,

19 people met with misfortune.

So they're dead?

No. But they dislocated

their vertebrae, actually.

Uh… And the town's chiropractor

was on vacation.

Those were dark days, all right?

I refuse to go back on

that deadly paddleboard.

And you shouldn't do it either.

!ALARM! PEDRO ELECTRO

AUTOMATIC ALARM SYSTEMS

Pedro.

Charly. Charly. Charly. Charly. Charly.

What is it?

The alarm went off.

Someone broke in, we need to go home.

I'll stay here for a bit.

This is Electro-Pedro's panic trombone.

We need to go.

We're being robbed! Thieves!

You go ahead. Take 'em out, Grandpa.

Okay.

Ahh!

Don't go in the water!

Charly didn't even hear Johnny's warning.

He had only one thing on his mind,

his rival.

Köbi.

- Oh yeah!

- And his rival's father,

Köbi's father.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh…

What's going on?

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not the golden Trabi!

And so Toni stole the Fleischer

family's most precious heirloom.

Toni's mother, Wera,

hadn't always been dead, or old. Nope.

When she was young,

she was celebrated as a long-throw prodigy

and won the East German

discus-throwing championship

six times while still in school.

A humongous achievement,

for which she was awarded

the only golden Trabi that ever existed.

Back then, she chose family

and a stable career over a life in sports.

Still, her golden Trabi became

an important symbol for the Fleischers.

- Ahh!

- And now it was gone.

But Wera's spirit was back.

Damn right, Johnny Carrera!

- Wera?

- Stop screaming and get in here.

Oh! Oh.

Doh!

Wera?

Hello, Johnny.

You're back, Wera. I missed you so much.

I missed you too, Johnny.

But we don't have

the time for that right now.

Toni stole my golden Trabi.

How do you know that?

- I know these things, I'm a ghost.

- Oh.

And I got Electro-Pedro's panic trombone.

Wow.

Toni's lost, and he's about

to go off the deep end.

- Terrible things will happen.

- Oh no.

You need to make sure

Toni becomes a better father, Johnny.

And for a millennial like him,

there's only one way you can do it.

You have to plan an intervention.

Plan an intervention.

If he'd known he'd be punished

with something as brutal

as an intervention,

Toni probably wouldn't

have stolen the Trabi.

But Rick was his last hope.

Mr. Schmandtke isn't here.

Do you know when he'll be coming back?

Never. Leave the premises.

Is that… gold?

Mr. Schmandtke?

This is the only golden Trabi

that was ever produced in the world.

Help me and it's all yours.

Yes!

What the f*ck…

The keys.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Uh… I think so.

Good. Come in.

Toni had no idea

what he was getting himself into.

Meanwhile, on the Havel…

Charly was steaming with rage.

Köbi.

Ahoy!

Ahoy.

Homie, this is Toni

You can learn a lot from me, Padawan

Like Obi Wan Kenobi

CHARLIE (SON)

…creature

First I'm gonna beat ya

I appreciate you listening

to my music, Mr. Schmandtke…

Do you like ladybugs?

- Ladybugs?

- Yeah.

Um… Yeah, they're okay.

You sure?

The… Um… Yeah. Y'know, I'm not

a fan or anything, but they're okay.

Here's the thing.

When a ladybug is stressed,

it secretes a smelly yellow substance.

- Okay.

- You… are stressed.

- Am I?

- Yeah, you're the ladybug here.

And your music is the secretion.

A mixture of feces and pus.

So, not good.

Total garbage.

It's just stressy sh*t in my ears.

I hate it.

And I hate you.

- Okay, fine.

- Sit down!

- I thought I--

- Sit your a*s down

when Rick is talking to you!

Thanks for the Trabi.

I like gold.

Obviously.

- W-what's your name?

- Toni.

I don't give a sh*t, Toni.

- But you just asked--

- I couldn't care less.

- But--

- No buts. I couldn't care less!

He couldn't care less.

All I care about is taking

your stress-driven defense secretion

and channeling it into creative flow.

Okay.

Can you, like, maybe repeat that?

Repeat it.

"I couldn't care less--"

Not that,

the thing about the creative flow.

Okay, well,

my creative flow needs channeling.

- Okay, that was good, right?

- Eh…

- I think that was good.

- Okay, awesome.

Can we just hit the studio now?

You still have a long way to go,

my ladybug.

FOR RICK FROM JOHN LENNON

Dogs.

Cats.

Social inequality.

Babies crying in airplanes.

People who say sh*t like,

"Goodbye-namite."

"See you later, alligator."

"In a while, crocodile."

"San Fran-see you."

"In a shake, rattlesnake."

Or this sound…

Hee…

Hee…

Um, sorry, give me a second.

Charly, I can't right now.

But the weather's so nice, please.

Look, I don't care if the weather's nice.

But Köbi is here too. With his dad.

I don't care about Köbi

or his stupid dad either.

- Papa, that's not what--

- I…

I can't, okay? I'm getting my…

creative secretion flowing right now.

Ugh. Secretion?

"Okay," Charly thought to himself.

"I guess I'll have to play it

the hard way."

Sorry, Rick. I'm back. We can, uh…

Ow.

Tax law.

The painful realization of

how small and insignificant you are

in an ever-expanding

and unforgiving universe.

- Bananas.

- Rick, what's happening here?

I need an empty vessel for my music, okay?

- Uh-huh.

- And you're not empty, you're full.

Full of stress.

Rick wants to find out

what your f*cking problem is.

By spewing out random nonsense?

- Don't question his methods.

- Okay, yeah, sorry, but…

I mean, I've been lying here for a while

and I desperately need a song.

Okay.

Um… Rick, I didn't mean to be rude.

Uh…

Uh, Rick?

You need a good beat, right?

Yeah.

- Yeah, that's good.

- Do you like it?

Yeah, it's awesome. Can I have it, please?

No, you can't.

Here comes one

with even more hit potential.

Higher and higher and higher

We want to lift you higher

Higher and higher and higher

We want to lift you higher

Okay, Rick, that's perfect.

Can-can I please have it?

Can we work on that beat, please?

You can't have that one either

because you're not cooperating.

Hey, I'll cooperate.

No problem, I'll cooperate.

I'll cooperate.

Lie down.

Sure, I'll lie down. I'll cooperate.

Ow, ow.

Toni had a hard time

adapting to Rick's methods…

…and Johnny's mission ended up

being trickier than he thought.

In-ter-ven-tion. In-ter-ven-tion.

Nancy! Nancy-pants! Nancy! Nancy!

- Hi, my little cuddle sheriff!

- Don't call me that.

Okay. Remember that alarm

I had Electro-Pedro install?

Well, it went off today, and I…

Holy mackerel! What do you have there?

That looks really ill*gal,

like some designer drug.

Drugs.

Is it a drug?

Really?

Nancy, do we have

a drug problem in Schitten?

Don't know what's in it.

What? You haven't checked?

Aren't even a little curious?

Well, the Mayor won't allow it.

Hmm.

Anyway, the alarm goes off.

I run home like a total idiot.

But nobody's there.

No Toni, nothing. And then…

Then the ghost of your dead mother

suddenly shows up

and tells me to organize an intervention.

I think I need to drink some wine.

Okay. Um…

Did you hear what I just said? Oh. Uh…

Our little Tonifant needs our help.

Nancy. Pl…

All right. Let's go see the twins.

What is your problem?

It's the bananas, right?

Sorry. Just a sec.

UNKNOWN (DON'T KNOW THEM)

Um… Sorry. It's an unknown number.

I don't know if… Um…

I'll just answer real quick. One second.

Yes?

Your son is dead.

What? Charly?

Dead serious that he needs you to come

do stand-up paddleboard limbo with him.

- Charly?

- Pranked! It's me, Charly.

Charly, do you want me to have

a f*cking heart attack?

Stop with your stupid pranks, okay?

It's not cool.

Hello?

Papa?

Did you seriously hang up on me again?

Papa, this is Charly.

Hey. Hi. I've heard so much about you.

I woke Köbi up today and said,

"Look out the window."

"Hey, I'm not going to work."

It's a beautiful day and

I'm spending it with my son."

So, you wanna go paddling

with us later? Or…

Stand-up-paddle board limbo

is really dangerous.

But with a papa like mine,

we're perfectly safe, so…

Charly was so angry at Toni,

and at Köbi, and at Köbi's cool buddy dad,

and at the cool father-son

camera panning they were getting.

- I mean, just look at that.

- Aw.

Thank you.

But I… I'm good on my own.

Mm, okay.

Hey, It's been a mega joy

getting to know you, Charly.

- See you.

- Hm.

And that's when

Charly decided to punish Toni.

"I'm just gonna win the father-son

paddleboard limbo championship

all by myself, and Toni's gonna regret

not spending the day with me," he thought.

Little did he know

the plan would lead to something terrible,

and all of Schitten

was going to witness it.

News from Schitten

Live from Schitten's Open Channel…

PRESENTED BY VERONICA FERRES

…the Father-Son Stand-up Paddleboard

Limbo Championship.

And there's the signal

for the Swiss delegation.

Köbi… very good job on the first obstacle.

And Köbi's father.

Ah, what was that? A little hesitation,

but he made it through.

That was a fantastic run,

the judges are loving it.

Great scores.

And next up is Carsten Maria Schrammel,

along with his father… Uh… Where is he?

Even I was

sitting in front of the TV thinking,

"Toni can't let Charly

go into the water alone!"

So it turns out

that Schrammel's starting without his dad.

I don't know,

it sounds like a bad omen to me.

And right at the first obstacle

you can already see he's kind of wobbly,

but as we all know it's only

going get harder from here on out.

Oh, you can see the fear in his eyes.

Ahh!

Oh no.

This is terrible.

The boy is in the water.

Oh God, these are terrible images.

Oh no, Charly.

Where is this boy's father?

Sorry, Rick, that was just a prank by…

my son.

Okay, I figured out what your problem is.

You're a f*cking genius, Rick.

I know.

And I figured it out all by myself.

So what's the reason?

Why am I writing crap?

Why am I so successful, Toni?

Um, 'cause you're talented, I mean,

and focused and well-connected,

and because you have good instincts?

Because I'm free.

No family, no kids, no wife.

Okay? So, like, nobody's giving me stress.

Except for Bob.

Only Bob.

Really?

Family tears you apart,

and it also makes you old and ugly.

And you, Toni, are old and ugly.

Ugly.

- Okay.

- You probably wear a bike helmet.

I don't ride a bike.

I never wear bike helmets. You know why?

Looks like sh*t, that's why.

Looks like sh*t.

There are two types of people

in this world, only two.

Either you're a little ladybug,

with little dreams,

who plays by the rules

in a little house with a little family,

leading a shitty life and

wearing a bike helmet.

Or?

You're a buzzard.

- Sorry?

- Buzzard.

Sorry, what is a buzzard?

Kinda like an eagle.

Why didn't you just say eagle, then?

- Buzzard's cooler!

- Okay.

So, what are you, Toni?

Um… A buzzard.

No, Toni.

You are a wapper.

A what?

A rapper.

I, uh… I thought my two choices were

buzzard or ladybug, right? I didn't--

You're a wapper. Say it.

"I'm a wapper."

I am a rapper.

What are you?

I am a rapper.

- Louder!

- I am a rapper.

What? What are you?

I'm a rapper, damn it, come on!

You're a great creator.

But your family doesn't see

how good you really are.

A great creator.

- Thank you, Bob.

- Hm.

Kawaaa.

- Kawaaa?

- Kawaaa.

- The call of a buzzard.

- The metaphors are confusing, sorry.

- Kawaaa.

- Kawaaa.

- Kawaaa.

- Kawaaa!

- Kawaaa!

- Kawaaa!

Kawaaa!

- Kawaaa.

- While Toni was feeling truly seen

for the first time in his life…

…Johnny caught the twins

at their daily sh**ting practice.

Hi there, twins.

Gah!

Okay. Um, I'll stay over here. Uh…

I need your help. Wera's ghost showed up.

Things are serious, snuggle crackers.

He stole the golden Trabi.

Wera told me to organize

an Intervention for Toni

because he's being

a terrible father to Charly.

So, you in or what?

Okay, I get it. I'll come back later.

FAMILLY

All of those little ladybugs

out there are going to be jealous of you,

of the soaring buzzard wings

of your creativity.

And they're gonna try to drag you down.

- You must free yourself…

- Uh-huh.

from your family.

FAMILLY

Rick, there's just one L in family.

Yeah.

Of course it's spelled

with just one L… Bob.

It's no biggie.

Next time they stress you out,

you tell your family, "Hey!"

Can you… Can you repeat that?

Oh, sorry. Um…

Hey!

Hey, family, this is your sh*t.

Hey, family, this is your sh*t.

Then you punch them in the chin.

- So I pun--

- With everything you've got.

- Now?

- Yeah.

f*ck! Ow! sh*t!

Um… Is that gold?

Uh, yes, that's gold.

- It's all gold. I like gold.

- Sure.

sh*t.

Not again.

It's probably my son.

What should I do now, Rick?

- Please answer.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- Hello, this is Dr. Snuts.

There was an accident on the river.

I told you last time, Charly.

Enough with these stupid pranks.

No, this is Dr. Snuts.

- Repeat after me…

- You've got to get here immediately.

- "I'm a buzzard."

- Your son was in a--

I'm a buzzard.

- "Let me fly."

- What's a buzzard?

Let me fly.

- Snuts!

- Kawaaa.

Kawaaa!

- This is Dr. Snuts!

- Now hang up.

Now hang up.

- No, you hang up.

- Hello?

- Oh.

- He's--

- Okay, I hung up, I did it.

- Okay.

And how do you feel

about this new situation?

Um, really good, actually.

Very good, to the rapmobile!

Let's rap!

What?

Oh God. Oh God.

This thing flies like a buzzard,

doesn't it?

All-wheel drive!

Whoa!

Just go with it.

Rick hasn't left the house

in two whole years.

- Why not?

- Bob? We've arrived.

Mm.

Toni, there's a real star in you.

Really?

No one had ever seen

anything in Toni, other than a loser.

Thanks, Rick.

I love you.

There, now it's out.

I've said it. I love you.

Out of the car.

He's f*cking nuts,

but he knows how to make hits.

Your song is deep inside you.

And we have to flush it out.

It has to flow out of you,

no matter the orifice.

You have a choice.

Either you get the enema of awareness,

this right here…

Uh…

…or… you get to drink a raw buzzard egg.

Why?

Don't question Rick's methods.

Choose wisely.

There are only

three things you need to know

about Rick's buzzard egg c*ck.

Good choice.

Number one.

They're spiked with

strong bull tranquilizers.

Number two…

Wait, actually just the one thing.

Lots of yolk…

…and some seriously strong

bull tranquilizers.

And?

Something's wrong with me.

That's totally normal, Toni. Soon you'll--

You forgot the mat again, Bob.

Toni!

Release yourself from

the chains of your family,

and your hit will come to you.

Release yourself from the chains…

Enough with this nonsense.

You're almost 40.

This is getting embarrassing.

I'm so fly, I'm so nice

Kawaaa!

Teddy Bear,

don't you wanna do the sensible thing?

Buzzard's come to take you To new height

I'm so fly, I'm so nice

Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice

h*, h*, h*, h*, h*

Papa!

I'm so fly…

- h*, h*, h*

- Papa!

You need to take care of me.

I want your attention.

You have

to free yourself from your family.

Kawaaa!

Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice

Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!

Want to lift you higher

- He's got it! You've got it!

- Kawaaa!

He's ready for this, Bob.

- Fire up the machines!

- We want to lift you higher

Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!

I'm so fly

I'm so nice

- Kawaaa!

- Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice

- Kawaaa!

- Wild and free, taking flight

The buzzard's come

To take you to new heights

Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!

I'm so fly

I'm so nice

Kawaaa!

Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice

- Kawaaa!

- Wild and free, taking flight

ASSFACE

Buzzard's come

To take you to new heights

42 MISSED CALLS

I fly away with the words

That I'm speaking

Kawaaa!

The sky is the limit and I am leaving

Kawaaa!

In my hood I am king

I'm not kidding

- Kawaaa!

- Every evening

- Yeah, we ascending

- Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!

I am a buzzard, I am a buzzard

And I have traveled far

- Buzzard!

- My aerial attacks

- Will leave you with battle scars

- Battle scars!

Pushing only the flyest whips

- I never rent a car

- Flyest whips!

I am legend in the labyrinth

Spitting bars with the minotaur

Eating up b*stards

PLEASE CALL ME. IT'S AN EMERGENCY

Chewing up busters

I stay fly with my peoples…

Ladybug is gonna be a star.

The buzzard has come

To turn up the party

I'm gliding through smooth

sh1tting on everybody

I'm so fly

I'm so nice

Kawaaa!

- Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice

- Kawaaa!

Wild and free

Taking flight

Buzzard's come

To take you to new heights

Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!

I'm so fly

I'm so nice

- Kawaaa!

- Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice

- Kawaaa!

- Wild and free, taking flight

Buzzard's come

To take you to new heights

Yeah, I'm cuckoo

Don't know how to act, bro

Swoopin' down on you

Like a pterodactyl

Here for the cashflow

Back in at the backdoor

Back door

Talent sharper than X-Actos

These type of rap flows

Blessin' these assholes

Oh! I spot my prey

- And then I swooped in

- Swooped in

I know you know

That we got that new sh*t

Risin' up like the phoenix

From the fire

Watch me burn the flame

Now that the buzzard has come down

I think that it's time

You learned my name

I'm still gettin' higher

I'm still gettin' higher

Superhuman glider in the sky

Fuelin' the fire

Watch me fly higher

Watch me fly higher

Taking flight away

On the wings of desire

I'm so fly, I'm so nice

Kawaaa!

- Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice

- Kawaaa!

Wild and free, taking flight

Buzzard's come

To take you to new heights

Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!

I'm so fly, I'm so nice

Kawaaa!

- Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice

- Kawaaa!

Wild and free, taking flight

Buzzard's come

To take you to new heights

Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!

I'm so fly, I'm so nice

Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice

Wild and free, taking flight

Buzzard's come

To take you to new heights

Kawaaa!

Kawaaa!