03x02 - Hellspital/Candice Candice Revolution

[bunniefuu]

Go Candice! You got
it! Crush it, Candice!

Putt it up! Hup!

Yah!

Whoo-hoo! Hell yeah!

Blasted that bad boy!

Uh, nice work, Candice.

But now watch how a
master putter does it.

Josh, hold my chili.

Okay, let's see
it, Jack Nicholson.

You're thinking
of Jack Nicklaus.

And he putted a
little something

like this.

Gah-aah!

Wow. Jack Nicklaus sucked.

Aah!

So, was that a cry of pain
or a cry for attention?

Ha! No big deal.

Just a little cramp.
I-I can walk it off.

Aaaah!

Should we call a doctor?

Don't be silly.

If I just play through
it, the pain will go away.

Gah!

Aaaah!

Oh! Gah!

All better.

Oh, man, you look
like wet garbage.

Still sick?

No. I'm the king
of feeling great.

Aaah!

Oh, my God! Man,
I don't like this.

You seem pretty sick.

Oh, yeah?

Could a guy who's "pretty sick"

mail a letter?

Alex! Are you okay?

Nailed it!

You threw up on
the way over here.

Yeah, as a joke.

Okay, we're taking
you to a doctor.

Doctor?

No! I said no doctors!

Doctors have k*lled
more people in history

than Genghis Khan and
Chaka Khan combined.

Alex, would you relax?

I see like 50 doctors a week.

They don't k*ll people.

Why don't you tell
that to my dad?!

Awkwaaard!
Awkwaaard!

Do any of you know what
he meant about his dad?

Yeah. His dad passed
away when he was young.

It was pretty sudden.

And he's been
weird about doctors

as long as I've known him.

Like the time he
got a concussion

and said he was
gonna "sleep it off."

Or when he broke his finger and
just rubbed some lotion on it.

Well, no matter what he
thinks about doctors,

we can't let him die
from being a total idiot.

Hey, Bud.

How are ya?

All better...

Than Ezra. Ha!

Funnyyy.

Look, we wanted to apologize
for pressuring you.

You clearly have
this under control.

Thank you.

It takes a strong person to
admit when they're wrong.

But we found something
to make you feel better.

A back-to-back
screening of all eight.

Viking Timelord
movies at The Vista!

Really? Okay.

I'll go put on my
Commander Ragnar cosplay.

No time. We gotta
hurry to make the show!

"I...

am not leaving

without my time axe!"

That's a quote from "Viking
Timelord 2: Breaking Bifrost."

No doy.

And technically it can cut
through time but not space,

which is like, how did
they think of that?

That's sooo cool.

Right?!

I-I think you took a
wrong turn, Pearle.

Oh, uh, w-we're taking
a different route.

Oh, okay.

Hold on.

How did I not know
about this screening?

I have like six
different Google alerts

for "Viking Timelord marathon."

Wait a minute.

This is the way to the hospital!

What are you... No!

Stay! No!

Aah!

Alex!

My stomach feels better already!

Oh!

Oww!

Need

lotion.

Oh!

Owww!

Huh?

No! Stop!

Turn around!

No can do, brah.

I'm haulin' your a*s to Hell!

Oh, God!

What is this place?

The Hellspital, duh.

It's the only place a demon
can rip your intestines out

and then reinsert them
in a different hole.

Also, we use the American
healthcare system here.

Hey there. Got a
new patient for ya.

Feel free to rip him a new one.

All right, hon, what
should we do first?

I can cut out your tongue,
feed you your ears,

take your temperature...

The temperature!

Nurse: Mm-kay!

Say "Aah."

Aaaah! Aah!

Demon: Wait! Hold up a sec!

Dude's got a visitor.

From "upstairs."

Heaven.

Ugh, those losers?

Ta-da! Hi, kiddo.

Oh, my God. Dad?

This is amazing!

I have so many things
I want to ask you,

like "What's Saint Peter like?"

And, uh, "Are you proud of me?"

And "Can people in heaven
see you when you tug it?"

Kinda rude, very,
and thankfully no.

Phew, that's a load off my mind.

Ha! "Load."

Nice. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Nice. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Totally. Wow!

I've... I've really missed you.

Well, I've missed you, too, son.

And I've got something for ya.

Whoa!

Is that Poseidon's time axe?

From "Viking Timelord
6: Surf's Up"?

Heck yeah, it is.

Now let's get you out of here.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna let
you rot in Hell because of me.

Because of you? What?
This isn't your fault.

Well, the Hell part isn't.

They determine that based
on your search history.

That was research for my novel!

But the you-being-dead part?

That's on me.

I'm the reason you're
afraid of doctors.

Dad, you were totally healthy.

Then, one day, you went to
the hospital for a check-up,

and within a week, you
were just... you were gone.

Son, that's not the whole story.

All right, visiting
hours are over.

Huh?

Ooh! Not cool, Heaven dude!

Run!

Son, let's kick some demon a*s.

Oh, hell yeah.

Aaaah!
Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Ah! Ha!

Nice.

Well, this blows.

In here!

Game over, man.

They're gonna make us
fill out insurance forms!

Not. Today.

Oof!

You need to drive the
ambulance out of here.

Also, the signs are all lies,

so you follow the ones
that say "Not the way out."

What about you? I'll hold them off.
What about you? I'll hold them off.

No! Come with me!

Alex, I can't.

And you need to
understand about my death.

Dad! Come on!

It wasn't sudden.

I'd been sick for months.

But I didn't do anything
about it. I hid it.

All because I was scared of
what the doctors might tell me.

But you seemed fine!

You took me to the first Viking
Timelord movie, remember?

"Viking Timelord:
Ragnar's Wedding."

By the time I finally got to
the hospital, it was too late.

It wasn't their fault, son.

Drive.

I've got this.

Daaad!

I love you!

I love you, too, Alex.

You take care of yourself.
Go to the doctor.

Heaven powers...

Activaaate!

Ha! Classic Dad.

All: Alex!
All: Alex!

Thank God! Are you okay?

We were looking
all over for you!

Yeah, we never would've found
you if it wasn't for Lyla.

G'day.

Lyla's Australian.

Isn't that wild?

We had quite the little
adventure tracking you down.

It was like a whole episode!

Look, guys, I'm sorry
I didn't listen to you.

I was scared.

Scared of what a
doctor might tell me.

But I need to see one.

No matter what they might say.

Crikey.

Doctor: Mr. Dorpenberger,
we've found the problem.

We're here for you.

It's gas.

Like... Gas.

You have an absolute tanker
load of gas in your belly.

What the hell do you eat?

I'm currently doing
a chili cleanse.

Well, that explains it.
Anyway, you're fine.

Just eat literally
anything else.

Oh, that is great news!

All I have to do is
stop eating chili? Oof.

It's gonna be hell
on my cleanse,

but I'll give it a whirl.

Ow!

Oh, man, I'm starving.

What are you making?

We're having hot dogs!

Yes!

Same as last Friday and
the Friday before that!

Consistency!

Both: Josh's night!

You know, when it's my night,
I try to mix it up a bit.

Kids crave structure.

Aah! I'm sorry.

I got super high and
ate all your hot dogs.

What the hell? I left a note
that said I was saving those.

I ate the note, too.

Ugh! Just don't
eat our food, okay?

Oof, how's Josh's night
gonna get out of this one?

Easily!

Josh's night!

Gross, gross, not food.

A-ha! Eh?

Fine, but let's frame
it as a fun thing

and not "your parents forgot
to go food shopping" thing.

But pancakes are for breakfast.

We can't have breakfast
for dinner, can we?

Some rules are
meant to be broken.

That's why we still tell
the zoo you're 3 years old.

Breakfast for dinner?!

Hey, come on.

Rules are important.

Fair Candice!

It is I, an
80%-on-model Robin Hood.

Rules are completely
meaningless.

Go forth and do
whatever you want.

Really?

Of course.

Doing whatever you feel like
is the key to happiness.

Your mind has now been
blown in three, two, one.

I think she likes the pancakes.

Hey, guys, I was thinking,

if we can have
breakfast for dinner,

why not dinner for breakfast?

Candice, that's not
how you cook lasagne.

Eh, I'm pretty sure
the instructions

are just a suggestion.

Oops.

Dude, let's just eat
it off of the floor.

Mmm!

Tastes like a burnt Popsicle!

Candice! No coffee!

It makes you aggressive.

No, it doesn't!

Aaaah!

I don't need to brush my teeth!

I can feel the
static electricity

on my eyeballs.

Mom, you're all out
of makeup!

Hey, guys, I was thinking
it would be a good idea

to skip school.

What if we pull another
"breakfast for dinner"

and go to the movies?

I wish. But we gotta go to work.

Anyway, school is fun.

You get to see all your friends.

Hmm, that's true.

But tomorrow...
Ska-ska-ska-skip!

I can't wait to tell my friends
about breakfast for dinner!

Rules are meaningless!

We can do whatever we want.

I'm not paid enough for this!

I'm sorry, Jade,

but if your scissor skills
don't improve drastically,

you're going to have
to repeat kindergarten.

Rules are rules.

Candice said rules are bullshit.

Really?

Kinda. I'm paraphrasing.

It's anarchy time! Yeah!

Die, permanent records, die!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

What are our options?

We could get an ice-cream truck

to lure them away
from the school.

What if we bribe them
with sugar-free candy?

God damn it! Isn't it obvious?

We have to k*ll the leader!

Mr. Campbell: No!

There's only one way to put
an end to this revolución.

Did you get a lock
for the refrigerator?

Oh, freakin' great!

Hello?

Mr. Campbell:
Joshua, Emily, hey.

Uh, I'd like to talk
to you at some point

about fundraising
for the school,

but right now, Candice
is out of control!

You know me, I'm
not an alarmist.

But your daughter and her
acolytes have enough vinegar

and baking soda to blow up the
entire city of Los Angeles!

Probably not county,
but definitely city!

Not my Android!

My mom's phone
number was in there!

I never committed it to memory!

Let's go!

Time to take the express lane.

Josh: Whoa!

Was that there this morning?

Aah!

Aaaaaaah!

Hey! What are you
guys doing here?

Mr. Campbell said you
were disrupting class.

Really? We've been
having a blast!

We've even built a giant
volcano all by ourselves!

Candice, you can't mix that
much baking soda and vinegar.

Why not?

I don't see why we can't
mix them all together

in a giant pit.

That would be like saying you
can't have pancakes for dinner.

Candice, look, yes, we ate
the pancakes for dinner,

but breaking that rule
doesn't hurt anyone.

What about all the people
who aren't having fun?

Hot! Hot!

Aah!

What have I done?

Your parents are
gonna ruin everything.

You need to prove your loyalty
to the no-rules revolution.

Throw your parents
in the volcano.

What? That's crazy.

No way!

Wow!

Candice is trying to make a rule

that parents can't be
thrown in volcanoes!

I say, we are not going
back to the old way

with the lies and
constant threats

to make me repeat kindergarten.

The only rule is
there are no rules!

Guards, take them to
the top of the volcano!

Wait a sec! We are so
much bigger than them.

Listen up, kids...

Tranquilizer dart?

Haaaaah!

Why do they have
these at the school?

The school nurse gives them to
me when I get over-stimulated.

That makes sen... Oof!

Well, I guess this is it.

I always kinda knew being a
parent would get me k*lled.

I'm so sorry, Mom and Dad.

This is all my fault.

Stop! We can't keep doing this.

This all started because I
had breakfast for dinner.

But that was a good thing.

Eating pancakes
doesn't hurt anybody.

But now you're about to
totally k*ll me and my parents.

And it's not just me.
Kids are getting hurt.

Do you think Jackson likes
being used as a basketball hoop?

Or Ethan likes being
used as a spear?

I don't love it.

And if jade will do this to
me, she'll do it to all of you.

What?!

It's not too late.

Yeah, we'll probably
get detention,

but I'd do a million detentions
to get back to normal.

No! You're gonna ruin this!

Aaaah!

Die!

Ha!

How are they so
good at tying knots?

I taught them in knot class.

20 years in the
Navy as a knotsman!

Why are you doing this?

Because it's not fair!

You'll be a first-grader

and I'll be a super-tall
kindergartner!

Hah!

Kick her a*s, Candice!

Hey, Emily, we don't encourage
that kind of language

at Chamomile.

You said we could do
whatever we wanted!

I was wrong!

Aah!

Just drop me.

I don't want to
repeat kindergarten.

Jade, no!

You won't have to repeat
it if you just try.

Really?

Yeah, it's October.

Just do the bare minimum
and you'll be fine.

Oh.

Lift me up.

Why did you save me?

It'd be pretty weird
if I gave a big speech

about not hurting people

and then let my friend
fall to her death.

Oh, right.

That makes sense.

Thanks, Candice.

I can't believe we got away
with that with no consequences.

Yay, I don't have to
be a spear anymore.

Aah!

Aah!

Oh, shi...

Aah!

Okay, that was pretty cool.

Candice, we're proud of you.

Well, as proud as any parents
can be after their child

tried to destroy their school.

Thanks, Mom.

Also, no TV for a week.

That's fair.

At least I understand
how rules work now.

Sometimes you follow
them, sometimes you don't.

Ugh! This is taking forever.

It's okay to do
it just this once.

Get on the ground, don't move!