03x04 - Bridgette the Brain/Never Meet Your Heroes

[bunniefuu]

Who's ready to see Caltech, the
most exclusive of the techs?

All: Gooo Beavers!

Thanks again for asking your
sister to show us her lab.

I know you two aren't
close. It's fine!

I mean, yes, my
sister's a prodigy

who's upstaged me since
birth, but whatever.

Olivia got first place
at the science fair.

Very good, Bridgette.

But look what Olivia painted.

How come you didn't
come out that fast?

Duh, the birth canal's way
bigger the second time.

Obviously.

Hey, sis.

Can't believe you
actually made it.

Hello, everyone!

Hi, Mrs. Hashima!

And thanks so much
for having us, Olivia.

She's Doctor Olivia now.

Ugh. She's not a real doctor.

She just stayed in
school too long.

Would a fake doctor
have her own building?

Awesome! Wow! Cool!
Awesome! Wow! Cool!

Seriously?!

Don't worry Bridgette, mom
bought you a building, too.

Thanks.

So, this is where
the magic happens.

Whoa.

And by magic, I mean
advanced chemistry.

Ooh, complimentary mints!

Uhp! Careful.

This "mint" is my
"Intelli-pill,"

an experimental supplement

I'm developing for
cognitive enhancement.

That means it makes you smarter.

Ugh, we get it.

You're a nerd.

Olivia's even
getting interviewed

about her pill on TV.

Just some chats
with Robin Roberts.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

Sam Snood.

Sam Snood the science dude?

I could get you into the taping.

Uh, yes, puhlease!

Uh, I mean, Candice
is a huge Snood-head.

Big whoop. A kids' show?

What have you been
up to, Bridgette?

Uh, well, I've had some big
developments over at Instagram.

Lotta likes. Wow.

That's impressive
for someone your age.

26 is like 70 in
influencer years.

She's actually very popular.

She has a few
thousand followers.

8,305,

but it might've gone up since
I started this sentence.

Bots. Hmm.

How many followers do you have?

Does it really matter?

Isn't it great that
both of your daughters

have their own things going on?

A little competition
never hurts.

Pressure makes diamonds!

That's how I pushed Olivia to
become scientist of the year.

Oh, that was for some conference
I went to in Ljubljana.

Bet you don't even
know where that is?

Why would I if I
can just look it up?

How do you spell it?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Did you hear the one about the
store being run by a neutron?

No charge.

Josh: What a dumb store.

I'll show them smart.

Huh? I guess it doesn't work.

Aagh!

Mind on fire.

Hypotenuse!

Parthenogenesis!

"Star Trek" continuity!

You know, maybe you shouldn't
be so hard on Bridgette.

She's really trying her best.

Oh, you millennial parents.

You'd prefer I
celebrate mediocrity?

What? We don't do that.

Look, dad, I'm a scientician!

Aw, what a little genius.

You're a regular
Alfred Einstein!

Ljubljana is in Slovenia!

Now that's more like it.

Okay, so she learned
to Google, big deal.

Bridge, are you alright?

I think I need to go home.

Ohhhkay, thank you
both, but we should go.

Science is hard to breathe.

One day you'll be
running this place.

No!

My bangs are too short!

Alex: Anyone know how many
grams are in an ounce?

Asking for a friend who's
weighing something super legal.

28.35!

How did I know that?

The Intelli-pill!

I...

I'm smart.

Guess I'm doing
burrito Popsicle for lunch.

Yuhmuh!

This novel is sh*t!

Make Rothgar a secret Visigoth.

Oh, my God. That
solves the whole thing!

Ooh! These stupid boxes!

There you go!

Now back to opening emails
from people I don't know.

Who knew being
so smart could be useful.

Hi Bridgette, so...

Olivia's TV interview
is tomorrow.

Will you be there?
I'd love if you came,

unless you're too busy
learning how to read.

Hello?

Earth to Bridgette.

I'll show you a pill.

One thousand milligrams
of bio-optimized,

quick-release nootropic
cognitive enhancement.

Science, b*tch!

So you're telling me
that if I take your pill,

I'll be Sam Snood the...

Genius Dude?

That's right, Sam. Here it is...

The Intelli-pill!

Wow, cool pill

if you like bullshit!

Hit it, Alex!

Behold! Mind-agra!

No. But how...

b*tch took my pill!

Mom! She stole my pill
and reverse engineered it!

Do something! Like what?

It's about time Bridgette
did something useful.

Hey!

I... understand!

I did it! I proved the
Riemann hypothesis,

the most important unsolved
problem in pure mathematics!

Eat sh*t, Riemann!

Olivia! Olivia! Olivia!

It's on!

I can see the Internet!

I can manipulate gravity!

Don't worry, I'll
keep this short.

Like your bangs?

I'll k*ll you!

Science is awesome!

You were nothing before my pill!

At least my selfies don't get
a median average of 14 likes!

Maybe try better lighting!

At least I'm not a failure who
needs to go back to school!

Whoo!

In theory, this should be hot,
but I am not enjoying myself.

Stop fighting! You
love each other!

Do something! They'll
listen to you.

You're right.

Keep going, girls!

Winner gets a new house!

At last, I don't have to
live in your shadow anymore!

No, I'm no longer
living in your shadow!

Pressure... makes

diamonds!

Huh?

Why couldn't you
have been Prom Queen?

Why can't you explore abstract
ideas like your sister?

Not until she's quiet
like her sister.

I stole your pill because
Mom always made me

feel dumb compared to you.

I always tried to outdo
you because Mom told me

I wasn't popular
and "cool" like you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too!

What do you think you're doing?

Living in each other's shadows
is what pushes you to greatness!

You've pitted us against
each other for years.

We had to go full evil genius

in order to realize that
we don't need to compete.

Yeah, and your whole
"pressure makes diamonds"

thing is creepy, sorry.

And inaccurate.

You also need
carbon, heat, time

well, it worked, didn't it?

I made you into diamonds.

Big, brainy,
accomplished diamonds.

But it does warm my heart to
see you two getting along.

Hmm.

I'd take a picture but you
both still look like freaks.

Oh, God! Oh, right.

We need to make an antidote
soon or our heads will explode.

Little kink I
forgot to work out.

Let's go to my lab.

And while we're at it, we can
invent a chill pill for mom.

What? I'm super chill.

Now, that's how
you raise children.

Call me if you need
any tips with that one.

We're good.

Okay, here we go. Time
to meet the public.

Hey, guys?

Can I, um, read you
some of my new novel?

Of course! I love to give notes.
Of course! I love to give notes.

I'm not doing anything.

Awesome. Okay.

Eons ago...

What the ?! This sucks!

It makes me want to k*ll myself.

You made me hate reading
more than I already do!

Wait, what? Is it
really that bad?

Let's kick him in the nuts!

All: Bad writer! Bad
writer! Bad writer!

I deserve this.

Go ahead. We wanna hear it.

Uh, I don't know.

You know what?
It's not ready yet!

Oh!

I got a papercut on my dong!

Hey, Alex. How's
the writing going?

Terrible.

I bet a lot of successful
authors have felt this way.

You should ask one for advice.

Maybe email Dr. Seuss?

Oh, buddy, he's
100 percent dead.

No! Why didn't anybody tell me?

Oh, I went to Skylight
Books to take a selfie

in the poetry section, and
they're doing a signing

by that guy who writes that
horny space stuff you love!

Jack Kleghorn? Author of
Lust of the Star Wizards 1-4:

The Unfinished Pentology?

Yeah, that sounds the
right amount of gross.

He's my favorite writer!

If he's your Seuss,
go talk to him.

Before it's too late.

I say! Looks like we've got
ourselves a bit of a Kleghead.

Oh, you have no
idea, Mr. Kleghorn.

Please, call me "Sir Jack."

Thank you so much, Mr. Kleg...
Um, I'm sorry, Sir Jack.

I'm actually a bit
of a writer, too.

Really?

I mostly write
erotic sci-fi epics

about cyborg Vikings
fighting evil space gods.

Do you now?

I actually just
finished a novel, but...

Finished the novel, you say?

Yeah, but I'm too scared
to let anyone read it.

Did you ever feel like this?

You mean the existential fear
that someone may read your work

and discover you to be a fraud?

Yes!

No.

Oh. But!

It sounds like all you need
is a dram of confidence.

Why don't you send
me your novel,

then stop by my chateau
to chat about it?

You want

to read...

Alex, my boy!

Welcome to my humble
18th-Century mansion

I had flown in piece
by piece from Windsor!

I'm quite wealthy, you see.

From writing.

Can I get you anything?

Spot of tea? Antique sword?

Rembrandt?

Wow! Are those real?

Oh, yes.

I like to keep a couple
of mummies around

to lift my spirits.

Who's still alive
now, Amenhotep?!

And what is this?

Oh, that ancient meteor?

It's actually quite
helpful with my process.

Now let's stop pissing
about and get into it.

I read your novel,
and I loved it

like a badger loves
brambleberries.

You... Jack Kleghorn...

Sir Jack.

Sir Jack Kleghorn.

Loved my novel.

When Psybjorn
seduces Lord Universo

to discover his weakness?

I practically... What's
the American phrase?

"Busted a nut?"

Ah! This is...

Oh! I just...

Don't get too
excited, old sport.

You have work to do if
you want to be the next.

Sir Jack Kleghorn.

Yes, yes! I'll
do whatever I have to do!

Then get to writing!

Wait, right now?

Type, boy, type!

Do you think James Patterson
has confidence issues?

He's finished a book since
I started this sentence.

Alex, it seems like Jack
is working you to the bone.

Sir Jack is working
me to the bone?

And I'm fine.

My favorite author thinks
I've got potential.

And I finally feel confident.

Why does he make you
do a ton of exercise?

Strong body strong mind, no-doy.

You wouldn't get it.

We think you should at
least get some sleep.

Jack says sleep is for wankers,
and w*nk*ng is for losers,

so I don't do either anymore.

Alex, you're being insane.

Ohhh, I see.

You're all jealous.

I'm going back to Sir Jack's,
and if you don't like it,

you can kiss my

novel-writing a*s!

You close the door, Josh.

Sir Jack?

His name is Alex Dorpenberger.

He's brilliant!

A once-in-a-generation talent!

Yes, you've got to
meet him right away.

I'm sorry, I couldn't
help overhearing.

Was that...? My agent, dear boy!

I was just calling to let him
know that I'm the next you.

That's incred...

Wait, don't you mean
I'm the next you?

Absolutely not!

Huh?

Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!

I hope I didn't bash
your bally brains in.

What the hell is going on?!

We're going to do a
little freaky Friday!

What? We're swapping
bodies, dear boy!

Okay, got it. You're crazy.

Crazy about eternal life!

How would you like
to hear a yarn?

Do I have a choice?

Once upon a time, 44,000
years ago give or take,

I was but a humble caveman.

Twas the early days of art,

but I saw how
rewarding it could be.

I saw an opportunity
to "cash in."

I was history's
first plagiarist,

and that didn't
bust anyone's nuts.

But then a miracle!

This space meteor had
caused us to switch bodies!

I'd escaped death,
and as a bonus,

I was able to rip off the
other guy without consequence!

My life, as the modern
teens say, "slapped."

And with the meteor in my
possession, it never had to end.

Whenever my body grew old,

I'd find an undiscovered
young artist,

make them churn
out fresh content,

take over their body,
and m*rder the poor twit.

So, wait a minute, you're just
some kind of crappy thief?

I am an exceptional
thief, Mr. Dorpenberger!

Time for you to shut what
is soon to be my mouth.

Oh, no! I'm old as sh*t!

Well, everything seems
to be tickety-boo!

Let's get to k*lling
you, shall we?

Oh, bollocks.

I always forget to untie
myself before swapping.

Guys! You have to help me!

I'm actually Alex!

Sir Jack used a magic meteor
to swap bodies with me!

Okay, at first I
thought you were

just really good at impressions,

and I was like "Hello?! SNL?"

But the meteor thing
makes more sense.

Look, you guys were
right when you said.

Sir Jack was mistreating me,
but you've got to help me!

Alex?

Not for long!

Now, hand over the
manuscripts and meteor

and I shan't decapitate you.

You're way hotter
with that voice.

Hey!

My precious!

Josh: Whoa. Everyone's
friggin huge.

Candice: Hell yeah,
I'm old enough to cuss!

Bridgette: I'm
literally inside my ex.

My therapist is gonna love this.

Emily: Wait. So
who's in Bridgette?

That's Sir Bridgette.

Josh, you need to do some curls.

Ow! I did not
think that through.

No, you really didn't.

Anyhoo, enjoy hell!

Stop!

Let her go, or I'll
torch the manuscripts!

What sort of imbecile would
destroy his life's work?

An imbecile who
loves his friends!

No! My livelihood!

Catch!

Well, that's no good.

Can someone please
cover my eyes?

Well, that took a ton of math,

but I think everyone

is who they're supposed
to be at this point.

I'm sorry your idol
turned out to be

an ancient body-stealing fraud.

Eh. Could happen to anyone.

Guess I should cancel my meeting
with Jack's agent, though.

You must have something
you can show him.

Nope. This was everything.

Unless...

And then right at
the last second,

they switch bodies
again, and Jack dies.

The end.

Yeahhh, it's gonna be a pass.

That's fair.