03x06 - Legend of the Pier/Bike & Survive

[bunniefuu]

You just got Alfredo'd!

Oh, gnocchi I di-in't!

Got some lasagne on ya!

Announcer: Mamma Mia'd!

Three views?

Ugh!

But #mammamiad is the
biggest trend of all time!

Maybe I'm not
using enough pasta.

Yeah, I don't think
that's the problem.

Single digit views
after an entire day of

carbs.

Next time, can you not exploit
my 5-year-old for content?

Does the Internet
like me yet, mom?

Yes, honey. You're a star.

She's lying. The Internet
is a vicious place.

One moment they love you,

the next, you're
fighting for a like

from a Twitter egg from Albania.

Okay, Candice, time to go.

This is why we limit
your screen time.

I'm gonna go play outside.

Don't blame me. Blame
this new app, WimWam.

I have no idea what this
algorithm wants from me.

I bet I'd already be viral
if Gr8vine were still around.

Isn't that the app that damaged
everyone's long-term memory?

I don't remember that.

I was huge on Gr8vine.

Back in high school, one
of my vids went mega-viral.

Yes, we know all about the...

It was a day like any other.

You recording, sis?

Yolo, b*tches!

2014 for life!

When Gr8vine got
axed, so did my video.

I bet, if I posted that
to WimWam, it'd go crazy.

That's it!

I'll recreate my viral video!

We're going to Santa Monica!

Seriously?

Do you know how much of a
hassle it is to get over there?

Would you rather live your life
in fear of getting puttanesca'd?

Fine, we'll go.

You think you're gonna
be able to find parking?

Parking on a sunny Sunday
afternoon at the beach?

Nothing could be easier.

Josh: When you say it
like that, it sounds hard.

Bridgette: The promenade.

I practically ran this
place in high school.

Bridgette's back, baby!

Just like the good old days.

Ow!

Can you try self-awareness?

Whoa. You just got in the way
of my getting-in-the-way video.

What? You bumped into us.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You don't know who
we are, do you?

Wait, who are you?

You just posed a bunch
without saying anything.

You're those kids who
live in a mansion,

and go viral on WimWam all day.

I've seen your videos!

Pssh. Who hasn't?

Uh, well...

I also know a thing or
two about going viral.

Not to brag, but
back on Gr8vine,

I did a headstand on
the pier Ferris wheel.

Could've died. Got
a million views.

Great... Vine?

Am I supposed to
know what that is?

Probably before we were born.

- Probably.
- Quick update.

Our last video got
majorly wrecked

by this sad, bored woman.

If anyone follows her,

do yourself a
favor, and unfollow.

No. No.

No!

Oh!

Who do those kids
think they are?

Can we just leave?

No, Em.

If we leave, they win.

We're gonna go to
that Ferris wheel,

and we're gonna show
those b*tches what's cool.

Yeah!

Like a baggy sweater and
a half a melatonin gummy

on a Friday night.

Okay, I'll show
them what's cool.

Josh: Lotta cars.

Alex: Aha! See?

A space is opening
up as we speak.

I'm doing my taxes, dickweed!

I'm gonna deduct your
head from your body!

Didn't we get rid
of you already?

- Out of our way.
- What?

Gonna do your little
headstand again?

You know what?

Maybe I'll do the
headstand, and then get,

I don't know, a billion views.

Then, anything you post
will just look like

you ripped off my trend.

You wouldn't dare.

Please. I'm a living meme.

My whole life is a dare.

Bridgette, just let her have it.

You could get k*lled.

No. Don't you understand?

This is my last chance.

If she steals it,
that's it for me!

I'll never go viral.

Which means I'm
basically dead...

Or worse, old.

Are you gonna help me or not?

Get my good side...
Even if it kills you.

You okay, there, Bridge?

I, uh, just might need a minute?

What's wrong, Boomer?

Hurt your back?

You don't have to do this!

It's just an app.

It's not!

It's proof that I
can still be cool!

You can't be cool
if you're dead!

I don't know what
I was thinking.

I just felt so out of it.

WimWam made me feel old,
and those cool teens...

How are they so
young but so cool?

It's all an act.

They're just hopped up on
mood stabilizers and Adderall.

Um, actually, I take
Vyvanse now, you old hag!

Forget about them.

You don't have to do this.

Man: Hey!

Hey! Stop that!

Oh, sh*t.

It happened again.

Get off your asses, and film!

This is WimWam gold!

Get me off this thing!

My mom was right... I am
gonna die young and hot.

Boom!

The king of parking
strikes again.

And only a 13-mile
walk, mostly downhill?

You're welcome.

We found a spot!

That's nice, sweetie.

We gotta go after them.

But the spot, man! The spot!

Jump! It's the only way!

New plan, I'm gonna...

We're slowing down.

Oh. That's good, right?

Actually, this is much worse!

Everyone okay?

That looks so unsafe.

Really?!

I might not be relevant, but
I can save someone who is.

No, no, no. Not the takeaway!

Stay calm, Rikki. I'm coming.

Hurry!

Oh, God.

Got you!

- Mom!
- Emily!

Uh...

Uh

We're good.

Thank you for saving my life.

Well, I couldn't let you die.

It would've made you cooler,

and you're, like,
way too cool already.

You know, I lied earlier
about not knowing Gr8vine

or your video.

I actually saw it back
when I was a baby...

Don't need that detail.

I was, like, barely
out of the womb,

but your video is
what inspired me

to get into WimWam
in the first place.

Before you, I didn't know
that girls could go viral.

Oh, my God. I'm like
a pioneering woman?

Aww, you posted me.

I'm so happy I saved your life.

After all this, I'm kinda
happy to fade into irrelevance.

No worries. We'll be out here
for you, keeping it relevant.

Yo!

And behind me are the Ferris
Wheel Grandmas, in the flesh!

Uh, excuse me.

If you want to collab on WimWam,
you need to go through my agent.

What the hell is WimWam?

We're on BlibBlab, Grandma!

Screw WimWam. We need BlibBlab.

I'm exhausted, and I
think I broke my leg.

Hope you didn't park too far.

I think you'll be
pleasantly surprised.

Whoa! What!? No, no, no, no.

What are you doing?!

Come on!

Well, this is the worst thing
that's happened all day.

Alex: What the hell?

Who put this here?

Oh, yeah. I realized I'm
not a big spin-class person.

Can you take that out
to the curb for me?

Uh, no. What if
I was super busy?

I could be going to give an
important lecture, Bridgette...

Or, more likely, a hot date.

I don't think that's true.

Hey, there, you absolute king!

What?

Need a little confidence boost?

Okay, now this is interesting.

You're gorgeous! You're potent!

Now smash those pedals, and
get ready to k*ll that hill!

I... can... do... anything!

Crushed it.

Trainer: Find your
power, and pump!

Pump!

You're not finished
until I say you are!

What kind of freak rides
a bike in a jacket?

Oh, God, yes!

Yes, Ranessa!

Um, should I be
listening to this?

Probably best to play it safe.

And that's time,
gods and goddesses.

And congrats to
Alex Dorpenberger

for topping the
leaderboard again today.

Got my eye on you, Alex.

Morning, kings and queens.

Hope you're living
your power today.

Hey, man. Want some pancakes?

Oh, no thanks. I don't
consume poison, Josh.

Do you think you're maybe
going a little overboard

with this whole HotBike thing?

I mean, what's next,
a HotBike tattoo?

Why would I get
another HotBike tattoo?

Okay, can we not do the thing

where I get really
into something,

and then you all get worried
I'm "going crazy," or whatever?

I'm not doing all this because
I'm obsessed with HotBike.

I'm doing it because I'm
in love with my instructor.

Sure. Okay. Sure. Okay.

Is that better?

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got my first private
sesh with Ranessa,

and I need to shave my arm hair.

Ranessa: That's right, Alex!

Do it! Do it!

I'm doing it!

Keep going! I'm so close!

Me, too! I... Wait, what
are we talking about?

And done.

Let it coast, you
freakin' rock star.

Wow.

That was incredible.

You're incredible.

Top of every class for
the past two weeks,

glistening aerodynamic forearms.

Oh, these old things?

Guess I'm just
naturally hairless.

Alex, I think have what it
takes to become an instructor.

Oh, wow!

Does that mean I
get to meet you...

Um, which'll be,
like, cool I guess.

Well, you can stop
by HotBike HQ,

and we can see how it goes.

Wink.

Yes, Alex, you absolute stud!

Alex, you only turned
off the camera.

Uh...

Computerized Voice:
Welcome to HotBike.

We do not validate parking.

Alex?

What the...?

Guys, I think you're
gonna want to see this.

Oh. Hey, guys.

You're on TV! So sweet.

No, Josh. He looks horrible.

No way. I'm living
that HotBike life.

That's it. We're
coming to get you.

No. I'm fine.

I've almost earned a
meeting with Ranessa.

Plus, you'd never
get past the guards.

Um, Why does
HotBike have guards?

Sorry... can't talk...
Gotta... teach.

Okay, I'm starting to think

something at HotBike
is a little off.

Woman: Watch your backs, now.

I'll be right here, with
my eyes on the perimeter.

Okay, you're a bike
company. Relax.

Computerized Voice: Keep
pedaling, gods and goddesses.

Pain is progress.

Progress is pain.

You are crushing it.

Oh, man.

He looks like he skipped
everything but leg day.

Huh?

What the hell are
you guys doing here?

We're here to rescue
you from this cult.

HotBike is not a cult.
It's a way of life.

You're literally just
reading that sign.

No, I'm not. I think
my own thoughts, Josh.

Look, I love it here.

I'm a friggin 10 now,

and I'm only one level
away from meeting

- the woman of my...
- Grab him!

Pop the clips! Pop the clips!

Computerized Voice: Intruder.

Intruder.

Intruder.

Queen Ranessa is most pleased
with your bravery, Alex.

She will see you now.

You mean...

I finally get to meet her?

Oh!

Oh, no, I haven't brushed
my teeth in over a month.

Hello, Alex.

We meet at last.

Ranessa!

You don't know how long
I've waited for this...

Oh, whoa, what the...?

I'm so excited to finally share
my true form with you, Alex.

You friggin crushed
capturing your friends.

Total king sh*t.

You know, I'll admit the
whole tentacle reveal

was kinda shocking,

but, in anime terms,
this is pretty hot.

Alex's human friends.

Maximum props today, guys.

Seriously, top tier effort.

But Alex is gonna
be staying with us

until our starship returns home.

Okay, tentacles and a starship?

Pick a lane.

Centuries ago, my species
crash-landed on the barren,

lifeless planes
you call "Pacoima."

And without fuel
to propel our ship,

we were totally stranded.

Life was decidedly
not awesomesauce.

Until we discovered humanity.

One thing was obvious...

If we wanted off this
rock, we needed to harness

the untapped power
of the human glute.

Our first attempts to woo
humankind were fruitless.

But that was easily remedied.

Cut to the invention
of the Internet,

some other stuff, yada
yada yada, you got it.

Hold on, you glossed over a
bunch of stuff right there.

The details are not important.

Well, then, why
do you need Alex?

Oh, well, Alex is one of
our top meat engine...

I mean bike hunks.

I've selected Alex to be my...
What do you humans call it...

Oh, yeah, "sex friend."

Holy sh*t! Oh, hell yeah, baby!

We are go...

You know, that is to
say, I'm deeply honored.

Alex! She's a friggin octopus!

Wow. Intolerant much?

Guards, turn these twig
legs into protein gel.

Whoa, whoa. Ranessa,
they're my best friends.

Maybe, instead of k*lling them,
we can just call them an Uber?

Not unless they've
got Ubers in space.

Eyes on the perimeter.

Ok, now I really think
something is off about HotBike.

Alex, come on! Let's
get out of here!

What? Why?

So I can go back to
living the rest of my life

single and miserable?

Ranessa may be a
tentacle monster, Josh,

but she's my tentacle monster.

Come on, Alex.

There are plenty of
amazing human women

who would be lucky to have you.

You really mean that?

I... I really do.

Alex, don't forget
about the fact

that you and I are
totally going to mate.

Do go on.

My egg has been
gestating for centuries.

I cannot wait to shove it
up into your spinal column.

Then, I'll watch
as my hatchlings

devour you from
the inside out...

You know, classic sex.

See, usually, sex for humans

doesn't involve one
of the parties dying.

Oh, really? Weird.

Well, in that case, I'm
sure I can find a way

to keep you alive.

Look, I'm sorry guys, but
this is where I belong.

Psych!

I can handle being devoured.

I'm into weird sh*t.

But k*lling my friends?

That's gonna be a
"no" from me, dawg!

Sick legs, bro.

Follow me if you want to live.

Hey! This is a cult,

and we're all just fuel
for an alien spaceship!

Oh, God! I knew it!

Okay, I am most definitely
not in the zone right now.

Wow.

Thanks for everything
back there, guys.

That's the last alien
space cult I ever join.

I think we're about
to land in Australia.