02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

This is a restricted area.

Would all visitors,

please empty your pockets

of all lethal weapons, drugs

I hate these places.

I think that's the point.

And he'll only talk to us.

Well, maybe I don't wanna

talk to him

We're the only coppers

he trusts.

Either that or he wants to

about with us.

It is alright mate.

DI Major has neural implants.

He is only doing his job Roy.

Carry on.

- Are you getting off on that?

- Let him finish!

- I have finished.

- I said do your job!

I could have anything in there!

Pack it in!

Liam Cleasby.

Hey.

Great you guys could make it.

Sit down ballbag.

Let us get this over with.

Shall we?

- You wanted to talk.

- Just a friendly chat.

How is your wife? Or should I

be asking him that question?

Oh, come on.

It is k*lling me.

I don't know how things turned

up between the three of you.

Have you got information or not?

A walking Wikipedia of crime,

at your disposal.

- For a price.

- What's your price?

- A pardon.

- He said what is your price?

- A pardon.

- Oh for f What.

- Is your

- No, stop.

No deal dickhead.

You tried to k*ll my partner.

But I am not

the Juggler, remember?

I am just a low-level

drug dealer.

We are wasting

our time here Carver.

Let us get wanded down

again and go.

The Chelsea Bridge job!

Chelsea Bridge job

was 20 years ago.

You were still nicking Segways.

Fifty million quid.

No trace of the robbers

or the cash.

But like I said,

you do not get this for free.

She's not with either of us.

My wife.

She wanted a fresh start.

I don't owe you anything

for telling me that.

Oh, you drive

a hard bargain, Cleasby.

As for the sexual side

of things

I do not know about Roy,

but I am coping

the old-fashioned way.

Twice a day. Once

in the morning, once at work.

I have tried giving myself

a dead arm

so it feels like someone

is doing it,

but who am I kidding.

Talk to the lawyer!

Churchland and Co.

The trail starts there.

That is all I am saying.

You heard

of the male G-spot, Cleasby?

It is real and I should know.

Long fingers you see.

- I actually can get right

- f*ck hell, John!

That's it. No more information

changing hands.

Let us get you out.

Let's go again.

Come on.

Get your keys.

Just get the

Chelsea Bridge.

The last case my dad worked on.

One that drove him away.

I know mate.

He moved to Spain after that.

But I bet Cleasby

knows all this.

He could just be saying this

to mess with your head.

Something else is bothering me.

I put a mouse's turd

in your drink.

- What?

- Only a little one.

This was a while ago,

when we weren't getting along.

Why are you telling me this now?

I am being open.

Think about it, Roy.

Ever since I've come back,

we have hidden things

from each other. Huh?

You were not honest

about seeing Kelly. And I was

Putting mouse sh*t in me drink.

Yes, but now,

it's our chance to start again.

- What do you say?

- Where'd you find it?

Was it a laboratory mouse

or did you just find

some mouse sh*t somewhere?

This isn't the point

of the conversation.

Oh, I think this is the point

of the conversation, John.

The point is, we've got

a clean slate. Fresh start.

I just found it.

- Never do that again.

- It is what I'm saying.

No more secrets. Either of us.

I have put in for promotion.

Fast track, Superintendent.

What?

- Why?

- It's time for a change.

I don't wanna be a DI forever,

do I?

- You would be my boss.

- Not boss.

Wait. Senior though. Superior.

It's a long shot,

I probably wouldn't get it.

Good luck with it though.

Thanks.

I keyed your car as well.

And that graffiti in the gents

Yeah I knew that was you,

you signed it.

Yeah.

Everyone

in the country remembers

the Chelsea Bridge case.

Fifty million in cash

and diamonds stolen

from a bank vault.

None of it was ever recovered.

I have hardly seen my dad since.

We were close beforehand.

Bedtime stories as a child

All right mate, you don't need

to mention all that.

Yeah.

It's great

to see you boys reunited.

- Thanks, boss.

- You know what I've missed?

The banter.

- Yes, boss.

- Do some now.

A good-natured insult,

something like that.

Maybe call DI Major

a bellend or something.

- Gobshite. Dicksplash.

- Um

That's one

you don't hear so often.

It is more of a spontaneous kind

of thing, boss.

Oh. Okay.

Well keep talking,

see if we can get there.

The three prime suspects

in the original case

all vanished. Cleasby claims

he has got some information.

We need to go back

in that prison

and talk to him again.

Yeah. But he won't say anything

unless we get him out.

Then we go back there again.

Every day,

sometimes twice a day.

You know you can get them

security wands

off the internet, don't you?

Maybe we do not need to go back.

Cleasby mentioned a lawyer.

So we'll start there,

find out what she knows.

I will get the word out

on social media,

let people know

we want information.

No, let's not

rattle any cages just yet.

Oh. Because I think maybe, um

some people already know.

- You've put it on Instagram?

- Course I haven't.

It was TikTok.

- Why?

- I just feel it has got

a younger demographic,

more engaged

You total f*cking moron.

There it is!

There's the banter I've missed!

That was not good-natured, boss.

He's been a d*ck.

Excellent. Keep it up!

You are a massive dicksplash.

I knew we would get there

in the end.

Privacy settings.

What?

He's sharing

personal information,

giving out case details.

So I am thinking

his privacy settings

need changing.

Well look at the new AI expert.

Someone has to be.

You've done nothing for him.

I mean, I brought him back

from the dead,

so you know, there is that.

You said there was nothing wrong

with his wiring, right?

But since then he's just getting

shitter and shitter.

Okay.

Sit down.

Time for the talk.

DI Major is a prototype.

I used pioneering technologies,

some of which,

turn out to have a

limited longevity.

Now, for a while

I could run updates,

- install plugins. But

- But what?

There is only so many times

you can microwave

the same chicken.

What are you telling me?

Okay. Have you ever had a phone?

And you have the phone

for a little while, and then

No? Okay.

Have you ever had a goldfish

and then one day you come home

and you see

your goldfish just floating

He's dying?

How long has he got left?

Do not make any big plans for

Pancake day? What is

Well, there must

be something we can do.

I am working on it. Okay?

I need more time and resources.

Anything that activates

his arousal hormones

will accelerate his decline.

How am I supposed to know when

his hormones are being aroused?

Four simple words.

Remote endocrine

monitoring technology.

- This device will

- Warning!

Okay, whatever he's doing

right now, go and stop him.

- Warning!

- For real, this is not a drill.

Flashing red is bad! Go!

- Major!

- Oh, my God!

Dad always said

this lawyer was dodgy.

- I remember him telling me

Are you playing

relaxation music?

Yeah I have this on

all the time. Its calming.

What were you seeing

Dr. Parfit about just now?

Huh? We were just

talking about

how well you're doing.

She hasn't done a

software update on me in ages.

Reduce stress levels.

You know what that means?

Means I am perfect!

Yeah. But she still wants you

to look after yourself.

You know like, I do not know,

practice some

meditation techniques.

What about yoga?

Yes. Even better.

Or, how about

we light some joss sticks

and stick crystals up

our arseholes? Jesus Carver.

This is what happens when you

hang around with Americans.

Look, she is only trying

to help John. Be nice.

Show her some love.

Love?

Yeah, or appreciation

or whatever.

Love?

DI Major.

Name rings a bell.

An alarm bell maybe.

Now I remember. Your father

was a c*ck bugger as well.

Didn't catch the robbers,

now, did he?

That might be about to change.

You represented

the three prime suspects.

I did. Before the robbery.

Not seen the b*stards since.

We heard you might know

where the money is.

That is right, Columbo.

I keep working

in an asbestos-riddled office

for sentimental reasons.

Don't get clever with us.

Chippy. Also like his dad.

I want those

thieving sods caught

as much as you do.

They owe me money.

But they vanished.

Any relatives?

No.

One of the g*ng had a sister.

She wasn't interviewed

the first time around.

Why ask me if you knew?

To see if you would

tell us the truth.

Far as I know she is in a home.

Does not know what day it is.

Fine.

We'll track her down

and find out.

Fine. We'll track her down

and find out.

DI Carver, DI Major.

It's about

one of your residents,

a Mary Roscoe.

Miss Roscoe was

one of our residents.

She, uh, passed away.

Another dead end.

Sorry to have bothered you.

I thought, perhaps you were here

to see the body.

She died recently?

What happened? Was she ill?

Oh, goodness me yes,

she was ill for quite some time.

Still, it was a shock to us all

when the truck hit her.

Whoever ordered the hit

on the old lady

must have known

we were investigating.

We've basically

got two suspects.

The lawyer, and anyone

who follows me on TikTok.

It's all right, John.

Go and get yourself a drink,

a nice cup of chamomile tea

or something. Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Good lad.

Roy.

- Do you know where John is?

- What do you want him for?

I'm not sure

that's any of your business.

- You cannot stress him out.

- I won't.

Goodness.

- I wanna talk about divorce.

- No, you can't.

He's dying.

It's his AI. It is degrading.

He's gonna crash.

And we're gonna

lose him again, Kel.

How long has he got?

I am not sure.

When is Pancake Day?

Pancake Day?

It's 40 days before Easter.

'Cause that's Lent. So

I think Easter falls

pretty early in the calendar

No. He doesn't know

and we can't tell him,

'cause it'll just stress him out

and make it worse.

So

So there's no point

in getting a divorce.

I don't want to be

widowed twice, Roy.

Especially to the same man.

I just want to end things

properly this time.

And you know what?

He deserves to be treated

as a mature

Okay, he's staring at us.

- Everything all right?

- None of your

I mean, hello, Dr. Parfit.

Alison.

How are you today?

Carver told you

to be nice to me.

And I think I know why.

He wants to set us up

with each other.

And what gave you

this curious impression?

Well. You told him

I was perfect. Oh!

Yeah, I never said that.

That I could not be improved.

- More like it.

- And I am flattered.

But it is not a good idea.

You and me together. I mean

It would be weird. It would

be like Brother and

Frankenstein

f*cking the monster.

Like brother and sister

is what I was also going to say.

So let's keep things

as they are.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I can learn to live with that.

What are you two getting

up to on my bed?

I was just telling her

about the case.

Hmm?

What did he tell you about it?

- The case?

- Hmm.

Cold?

A cold case.

How old's the case?

- Two years.

- Twenty.

Decades, that was decades.

Did he tell you

about the lawyer?

The lawyer.

Bent. John, I want a divorce.

Look we are in limbo.

This isn't healthy

for either of us.

I've not got time

right now, Kel.

Maybe if we go out for dinner

No. No dinner.

I want a clean break.

- You mean, like Center Parcs?

- No, John. We need to talk.

- No we need to get back

- Can I just?

- Into that lawyer office.

- Can I please?

It will be tricky,

she knows we suspect her.

I need you to hear

what I am saying.

We don't need a divorce.

Look we have not got enough

for a search warrant.

I could go in.

I need a good lawyer.

- No chance.

- I could take a hidden camera.

We do not just have

those things lying around, Kel.

Like this one?

I could pretend I need advice

on a divorce,

do some snooping around.

You two could be nearby

and you could protect me

if I needed bit of that

I could protect you, couldn't I?

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, you've convinced me.

Carver lets go.

You do not really think

of me as a Frankenstein. Do you?

I swear. I have never thought

of you as a Frankenstein.

I am Frankenstein, you are

the monster. Read a book.

Take a seat, Mrs um

Kelly.

Mrs. Kelly.

To be honest,

family law isn't my field.

Why come to me?

You were recommended.

Well-handled Kel.

First sign of trouble

and we're coming in.

Does your spouse

know of your intentions?

No. He is not a good listener,

that is part of the problem.

You will have to

prove irretrievable breakdown

of the marriage. For example,

on grounds of desertion.

My husband did leave me

for a year.

Leave her? I was f*cking dead!

- She is playing a part John.

What is that thing?

Ah It's me stress monitor.

It checks me heart rate.

Well it is annoying.

Switch it off!

- Off.

- Then there's adultery.

That, too. I had a relationship

with his best friend.

Which I take responsibility for,

but marriage was

in a bad place and

Roy made me feel loved and

wanted.

Oh, f*ck!

Warning.

Reduce stress levels.

Can you calm down please, Roy!

Warning!

Another factor would be

unreasonable behaviour.

How long have you got?

There is no need to make a list.

Oh, yes there is.

God

Firstly, I'd like to mention

his narcissism.

A serious

emotional relationship.

Then there's

his complete inability

to empathise with other person

emotional state

if it does not directly

have any relevance to him.

Coupled with

his extreme neediness.

Hour and a half.

I'm starting to think

she's doing this on purpose.

I think

you might be right, mate.

Excuse me, Mrs. Kelly.

Bathroom break.

Ooh. Here we go.

Kel, we haven't got long.

Ask her

is it number one or number two?

She not gonna

ask that. Is she?

She might.

Warning.

Ask her.

Kelly, can you ask her

if she's having a poo?

Thank you.

All right, Kelly,

stay calm you can do this.

She knows what she's doing.

Have a look in the drawers.

She looked in the drawers.

Oh. Yeah.

Forget the drawers Kelly,

see if you can find a computer,

maybe try under the desk.

She has found the computer.

Good.

Now what you need to do

is put the copying device

on the Oh, you've done it.

John, just leave her

alone she is doing all right.

Well done, Kel.

You are doing amazing.

Kelly?

You are loving this, aren't you?

What?

Well done, Kelly,

you're so amazing.

Encouraging her.

I am actually starting

to work you out.

Reduce stress level.

First you try

and set me up with Parfit.

Then you get Kelly

talking about divorce.

What were the pair of you

talking about on my bed?

Reduce stress levels!

- I am not gonna tell you that.

- Oh, you are not gonna tell me?

Then maybe she will. Kelly?

What were you and Carver talking

about on my bed?

- John! Come on.

- Shut up!

Kelly?

I'll tell you what,

I'll find out myself.

- John, John.

- No!

Listen! I thought

we decided no more secrets!

No, you decided that. I didn't.

There's loads of stuff

I don't tell you.

Do you want to know why?

Because it is none

of your f*cking business!

John!

John!

John come on.

Get back in the van.

No, get back in there.

No, no no.

No!

Oh. Sorry to keep you.

I have got all I came for.

Thank you for your help.

f*ck hell!

- Roy! Just calm down!

You are going

to have a heart attack!

Warning! Reduce stress levels!

f*cking thing!

Hey. That was exciting.

Yeah.

Yeah we're here now, boss.

The deeds to a plot were

on Churchland computer.

Yeah. In an encrypted file.

f*ck me, Roy.

It was buried treasure!

It is The Chelsea Bridge loot!

You wait till I tell my dad!

Well, swing it out.

Let's open it up.

sh*t.

- Who is he?

- Or she, could be female.

The question is who are they?

You mean like a gender

non-binary thing?

No. You're right,

I should not assume

I mean there's

more than one body in here.

And, we might not find the loot.

I think we found

the Chelsea Bridge g*ng.

I didn't know you'd find bodies!

I thought it was the money,

I swear!

Time to cough it up, Cleasby.

What else do you know?

Ah, bits and pieces, some names.

Okay, I'll tell you everything

I've picked up over the years.

Right? When, you let me go.

f*ck that.

Get it in your head gobshite,

you shot a police officer.

Only a total f*cking moron,

would let you out.

Well, I am letting Cleasby out.

Boss, you cannot do that!

His information is vital,

especially now

the Chelsea Bridge case

- is live again.

- Boss, Maj's dad led that case.

Indeed he did.

And he is volunteered

to advise on it again.

Sit down DI Major.

There is someone

I would like to bring in.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

I am passing

the case on to you two.

Major's too personally involved.

What?

Oh. Right, you thought I was

going to bring in your dad.

No. No, no, no.

He is flying in tomorrow.

Reduce stress levels!