01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

We haven't got any more room.

Gotta get one more thing.

Rob, he doesn't need that.

Hey, at least you're in halls.

No damp patches, mice in the toaster.

Landlord with a baseball bat.

Until next term.

Ignore him.

He never even went to university.

I've had Mancunian squalor.

But without the sense of entitlement.

Bye, mum.

-I love you.

-I love you too.

Hey, we're living the dream.

Footloose and child free.

Ready to rock 'n' roll?

I love you. I miss you already!

Freedom!

Love? Jo?

Jo?

You can't just keep

You were the one

who wanted him to go to uni.

I've got a viewing.

I'll call you later, okay?

He's not died,

he'll be home at Christmas.

It might not float your yacht

from the outside, Jack,

but once you see the inside.

-I love the house, Rob.

-Really?

Great. I had a feeling that this

might be the one.

Mate?

There's a school down the road.

Is that gonna be a problem?

I'm on the sex offenders register.

I'm kidding. Just f*cking hate kids.

We all do.

Back to the drawing board.

You're all right Rob, I don't mind

a bit of porn at lunchtime.

I'm actually pretty busy.

Ask your Finance Director

how busy you are.

-What are you eating?

-Pastie. I like to live on the edge.

Of what? Diabetes?

Did you take Jack Watson

to view another property?

He's got three million in his back

pocket, he's Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Where do you think

he got that three million?

-You shouldn't touch his money.

-I'll dip it in Dettol.

I'm being serious.

You look a bit f*cked Rob.

I don't mean good f*cked.

You did hire me, which suggests

you want to save your business.

I'm actually pretty busy.

Just make sure you look at those

quarterly projections I sent you.

-Mhm.

-Okay.

Or I will have your bollocks

for earrings.

Well, Jo. You're burning up.

I'm hot and itchy.

I can scratch your itch.

How about you go feed the dog?

-Okay. Is that a euphemism?

-No.

Ben. My office, now.

Actually, it doesn't matter.

Actually, you call a vendor a muppet

in front of a client again

and I'll turn you into one.

-Hello Fred, you all right?

-Rob, hi. I can't get into my car.

-You sold your car three months ago.

-Yes, I did

-Stupid me.

-Tell you what.

I was gonna head on.

Let me drive you.

-Okay.

-Go this way.

Here, have some tea.

Oh, sorry.

I don't know where my head is today.

Have you been forgetting

other things?

Well

Not that I remember. Excuse me.

Oh f*ck!

Are you okay?

All these damn doors,

they look the same.

-It's okay pal. It's all right.

-No.

No, it's not.

I don't know.

Whoa, it doesn't matter. Does it?

Fred, come on, it's okay.

Hey.

It's only gonna get worse,

and he'll become a danger to himself.

I know. All right?

I know.

-He could just move in with us.

-I didn't say that, did I?

It wouldn't be like

when mum was dying.

-It wouldn't be as hard.

-I don't want that.

-Why not?

-I just don't.

Can't we be here, on our own,

and be happy?

You don't know what it's like.

I can't focus on my work,

I miss the kids

I'm just rattling around this house

all day by myself.

You don't have the monopoly

on loneliness, all right?

Who's Gloria,

and why did you steal her cup?

It's my coffee shop name.

I always wanted to be called Gloria

when I was a kid, so.

Don't know if it's for me or Gloria.

Has Gloria got a missive crush

on me?

Yeah. She thinks

you're a good frontman.

-Not such a good businessman.

-I've always hated Gloria.

Why have you got four branches, Rob?

We're gonna have to close two.

And streamline the other two. Okay?

You're gonna have to

get your head around it.

Have you thought of a new investor?

-I've considered my options.

-Well

Well, we can either call in

the receivers or

you can ask your wife for the money.

Give us time to restructure.

-How did you know about her money?

-Everybody does.

Just ask her.

Swallow your pride, kid.

-Hi.

-Hiya.

That's good.

Thomas, this is my parents,

Jo and Rob.

Pleased to meet you. That's a lovely

dress you're almost wearing.

Yeah, roll your tongue in. Dad.

-Robert.

-No glasses?

-Contacts.

-Ah, cool.

So, walk this way.

Whoa, did Santa relocate?

So How did you two meet?

I was going for a bit

of a dark period.

Black dog pissing against my leg.

And I ended up talking more to Sash

than my girlfriend at the time

and here we all are.

It's all we need sometimes, isn't it?

Just a really good listener.

Yes.

Must be antisocial hours,

bar work?

I live in the flat upstairs

so I trip out of bed

and into work

still doing my flies up.

It's a beautiful home you have here.

Thank you.

We have so much these days,

it's almost immoral, isn't it?

Have you heard from baby bro, mum?

No. I was hoping he'd text but

Maybe he's enjoying his space.

I hear you've been going through

a dark period of your own, Jo.

Yeah. Something like that.

Why don't you volunteer

at the refugee centre, mum?

-You could use your languages

-No.

-Mum speaks like 20 of them.

-Five, none of them perfect.

Wow.

All I can say is

"You stand on my p*nis, it's longer

than average" in Portuguese.

Ta.

-You all right with the food?

-Fine.

She only spent all afternoon

in the kitchen preparing it.

It's just

I had a really bad experience

with an aubergine, once.

But I had some therapy for it

and I don't think we can change

our beliefs about anything

even aubergine.

-Bravo.

-Thank you very much.

-Are you for real?

-Excuse me?

Rob?

He's flirting with you.

-Dear lord, Jo.

-Yeah. Welcome to my neurosis.

-Sorry about Rob.

-Probably the wine talking.

No.

It's good wine.

Ah, what have we got here?

Wonder what this drawer

says about you.

It says I love order.

Or you really hate disorder.

What are you doing

No, stop!

-No, he's definitely not flirting.

-f*ck off!

-You could do so much better.

-Right. Okay, we're leaving.

-Clearly outstayed our welcome.

-What? No, Sash!

Dad's been a f*cking arsehole.

Come on.

It was a lovely meal, Jo.

Hopefully see you soon.

Happy hour, five till seven.

Come, be happy, for two hours.

Cheers, Rob. Lovely to meet you both.

Rob?

Rob?

Oh god. Sash?

Guys, don't leave, please.

Just please. Come back in.

No. I'm so sorry.

-I'm not keen on this place either.

-We can keep looking.

And the other thing?

Listen, Rob.

I'm not gonna invest in someone

who can't sell me a f*cking house.

No seriously, a 75-year-old,

women only commune.

You can do whatever the f*ck you like

whenever the f*ck you like.

Come on, Bobbin.

Come on, you lazy

Bobbin?

Jo

Jo!

This is all very mysterious.

I thought if you could see

what was on our books or stock,

I thought it might be useful.

Did you?

Either I'm about to get fired

or f*cked.

Come on, tiger. Even me out.

-I don't smoke.

-You do.

Hello mate.

-How are you feeling?

-Okay.

It's just a long time

since I did that with anybody else.

Sorry if it was a bit quick.

Don't worry about it.

Just a bit of fun.

It won't happen again, boss.

-Yours okay? Sure?

-Yeah.

My steak's a wee bit chewy.

-How's yours, Bob?

-It's fine.

You know her?

Yeah, it's Anna,

our newish Finance Director.

Oh.

-Oh, wow.

-Hello. Fancy seeing you here.

Hey.

This is my wife, Jo, this is Anna,

this is Cathy and this is Jim.

-So how's finance?

-It's great, thank you.

-What are you up to?

-A date.

Oh.

It'll probably be a disaster.

They never look like they do

in the pictures, do they?

What do they say,

you have to play the odds

to find Mr Right, am I right?

-We're celebrating their anniversary.

-How lovely.

-How many years?

-We've been together forever.

15, since we tied the noose.

-The date's here.

-You did well.

-You did well.

-He's fit.

Yeah, I did very well.

Congratulations.

Jo, lovely to meet you. Bye.

Anyway, the husband

who was having the party announced,

sometimes we get asked how we've

stayed together such a long time.

He said something I'll never forget.

Go on, Jim. We're all ears.

He said the secret is

never fall out of love

at the same time.

Very good. Excuse me.

-What?

-It's true.

-You don't get it?

-No.

Listen, one of you

is always gotta be in love.

Isn't that kind of

f*cking depressing, Jim?

-Are you gonna sleep with him?

-She's stunning, your wife.

I don't want you to sleep with him.

Twenty minutes late, and they said

"No, we can't serve you."

The whole thing

was absolutely ridiculous.

They are my trophies.

I think we're gonna need the old

-No, we'll be good.

-Good.

We are gonna need it.

-Do you want me to do it?

-No, not really.

Let me try.

Can you just

back off one f*cking second?

I'll do it. Don't look at me.

What's she like, Jo?

-You don't want to know about that.

-I do.

Well, you met her.

-She's funny, beautiful, smart.

-Yeah.

You're definitely punching

above your weight there.

-And?

-And nothing.

I don't know, maybe it's her age.

We lost a child.

Oh my god. Sorry.

It was about 15 years ago. He was

dead before he came out.

I don't know.

I just resent being made to feel

in the way.

Like my feelings don't count.

I know it was devastating for her,

but I lost a son too.

I felt it too.

I'm sorry.

Oh, god.

-Last in, first out.

-Yeah.

I'm really sorry, Ben.

Anna started after me.

I'll give you a decent reference

and you'll get a month's basic.

we just lose interest

in the same old

okayish sex we've been having

for years.

Yeah, sex that doesn't

blow our minds.

Hello, ladies.

Hi.

The first rule of book club,

don't talk about the book?

We're forced to come to terms with

what we're really like

on the inside, what's left.

I'm just so angry, all the time!

-Hope you're listening to this, Rob.

-I'm living it!

-New painting?

-Yes.

It's our imaginary commune

which we'll form

once we've k*lled all our husbands.

And I'm working late tonight,

at the refugee centre.

Again?

Listen

I need to ask you for a loan.

It's this f*cking downturn,

I We've got a plan.

Close two branches,

streamline the rest.

And go back to

what we're best at; boutique.

It can work, but I just need

I thought business was good?

How much do you need?

We'll go through the figures

with you later.

Okay.

Okay to going through the figures

or to the loan?

Okay to the loan.

Who are you and what have you done

with my wife?

I thought I'd try to have a little

more fun, because

-What do you think?

-I think

I like it, it's a bit

of a surprise, but

It looks good, it looks great!

So this is where you hang out?

-It's a bit

-Don't belittle it.

Why would I do that?

The Lighthouse has had a cancellation

this weekend

and I was gonna take my wife

but I wondered if you'd like

to come instead.

I know you've always wanted

to go there.

Hi. You must be Rob.

-Rob.

-Nick.

-Hello mate.

-Hey.

-Pleased to meet you.

-Pleasure, hi.

Rob Harding. From Harding's Estates.

I see your for sale boards

everywhere.

Jo actually suggested that we might

do some kind of tie-in,

I don't know what,

maybe a function of some sort.

We were talking about

having a fund raiser, and it could

raise your profile, and bring in

a bunch of cash for the centre.

Okay, that could work. That's great!

Brilliant.

Hello? Hi, Nick.

Darling, I'm so sorry, we must cancel

that weekend to the Lighthouse,

it's just too much to organise.

We'll do it another time, okay?

Sorry.

What? How?

You haven't half got

some swimmers there, kid.

The thing is

I've lost a couple of babies,

nothing like you and Jo.

Ten weeks, eight weeks.

I want to keep it, Rob.

I would like it if you would

if we could

but not reluctantly,

I don't want that.

Also

I might have fallen in love with you.

So there's that.

I'm sorry it's so messy.

I don't do social media. I don't

like term "followed", it's creepy.

I just don't wanna expose myself

to the world.

She's really come out the other end,

hasn't she Rob.

-She's done great.

-Excuse me, I've just gotta

-All right Bob?

-All right Cathy.

Jo looks like she's in her element.

So Are you shagging

your Finance Director?

Ha! No.

-All right, dad?

-In a minute.

Dad, seriously!

Finn, we will talk,

just I'm really

What are you two ladies

talking about?

I was asking her about the hot date

the last time we met.

A bit more lukewarm

if I'm being honest.

It wasn't so great.

I'm starving, Sorry, it was lovely

to see you, you look beautiful.

You too. Bye.

I have to go talk to more people

with deep pockets, okay?

For f*ck's sake! Can you look

where you're going? sh*t!

f*ck you.

Ben. It's a turn up for the books

when you're a friendly face.

-Whoa!

-Why don't you shut the f*cking door?

No offence Rob,

but some of us need help

to get through nights like this.

Rob. I think you've forgotten

that that woman

isn't who you'll wake up with

tomorrow morning.

You're married to Jo,

who won't get out of bed,

who's mean to you,

who won't f*ck you.

That's not exactly true.

She will get out of bed.

I'm f*cking pregnant, Rob.

Or did you forget?

Yeah, it just went

right out my head.

-Oh, nervous Nick.

-Just a bit.

You've just gotta go for it, mate.

Do not be afraid

For I have redeemed you

I have called your name

You are mine

Please, welcome to the stage,

Rob Harding,

founder of Harding's Real Estates.

Hello. Good evening.

A big round of applause

for the people

who run this brilliant centre.

And Jo Harding, my wife.

And also

And also the people

who use this centre,

people who've actually

got problems in their lives

who we seem to have forgotten

to invite.

Actually, I tell a lie,

we've got one

Look at the state of him.

Dr Farid Kassa,

who's gonna be talking later

about fleeing Aleppo.

So thank you all for coming, and

it's Nick next, so can you be nice,

because he's been nervous.

Thank you.

Knock them dead.

Good evening.

For those of you who've come

all the way down from London,

that strange smell that's been

bothering you, that's oxygen.

-Great speech mate. Not a dry eye.

-f*ck off, arsehole.

Wait, I forgot my bag,

I'll be right back.

Got it.

You're amazing, Jo.

Jo.

You're like a rare flower.

-It's not that complicated!

-It is for me.

f*ck

I vowed I'd never be the kind of

woman who'd say this, but

you're gonna have to choose.

You're gonna have to choose, Rob.

Just give me a couple of days

to get my head straight.

Rob!

You're happier with me.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

Hello Jo, it's me, I just wanted to

ring to say that I love you,

and I'm gonna cook something

this evening.

something special.

As a well done for last night,

I'll pick up something up

on the way home, and

did I say that I love you?

All right, see you in a bit. Bye.

I know you're home! You sh*t f*ck!

-Are you okay?

-Tickety-f*cking-boo!

-Oh you

-Are you drunk?

Oh yeah.

And I wonder why that is.

I know.

It's because of this.

No this!

And this.

Are you gonna say something?

-It's not what you think.

-Seriously?

It's not what I think.

You're such a f*cking disappointment.

Have you any idea

what it's been like living with you

for the last year,

it's been a f*cking nightmare!

Get out of my house!

Get out of my f*cking house!