01x03 - White Whale

[bunniefuu]

[TV playing indistinctly]

[♪ soft music playing]

[coin clinking]

[coin clinking]

[Katie] So, uh, what did you do with
your last night in Florida?

[Greg]
It was awesome sauce.

My boys gave me
a little bit of a sendoff

'cause I'm not gonna
be back till Christmas.

- Your "boys"?
- Yeah.

- Who are your boys?
- You know.

My boys.

Sam. Cliff.

Norm.

So, the cast of Cheers.

I did not know
you knew that show.

Mm-hmm, was Coach there?

Unfortunately, Coach passed.
Season three.

[laughing] I'm sorry.

Look at this house
they're giving me.

Wow.

Oh! A gift basket.

They asked me what
your favorite booze was.

Oh! Thank you, honey.

Didn't buy it,
just replied to a text.

Well, you remembered.

Oh!

This place is way too big
for one person.

I'm not moving in with you, Dad.

- I wasn't thinking that.
- Yes, you were.

Yes, I was.

We'd have so much fun!

Oh, I like this.

- Mm!
- What do you think?

- Yeah.
- Could I wear this under a blazer?

- Never do that.
- No?

Um, Dad, we have
to talk about something.

Oh!

Dill pickle-flavored Corn Nuts?
Is that regional?

- I don't know, um...
- [exclaiming softly]

It's taken me a while
to get out of Mom's shadow.

And you're here now.

- Mm-hmm.
- Which I've decided is great.

Ooh! That took a nice turn.

I've been trying
to get you out of your rut

since you and Mom split up,

and this is definitely that.

- Mm-hmm. [crunching loudly]
- But with my marriage collapsing

- and my suspension...
- [crunch]

...um, I can barely
take care of myself.

[crunch] So if I feel like I need
to take care of you, I...

- [crunch]
- We need to give each other

- some space, you know?
- Mm-hmm. [crunch]

Jesus Christ, just eat them.

Sorry. [crunching]
They taste like crunchy pickles.

Mm-hmm.

[crunching rapidly]

Mm!

- Okay. Sorry.
- Okay.

Um, I have my own life...

Hold on. One more.

[continues crunching]

- As you were saying.
- Okay.

- Um, I have my own life here.
- Mm-hmm.

I can't have you
holding my hand.

Got it.
You can fight your own battles.

And if you can't fight them
by yourself,

we will fight them together,
hand in hand.

- It was a joke.
- Yeah. I'm leaving now.

- Okay.
- And I'm taking the Toblerone.

And, honey, thank you for this.

Also, I wasn't serious
about living together.

Oh, really? I...
I was just thinking

how the dead hockey coach's
house is kinda lonely,

and it might be fun
to crash here

- for a couple weeks...
- Do it!

- Order pizza, I will get a...
- [chuckles]

Oh, that was not nice.

- That was not a nice thing to do.
- Love you.

I love you, too.

♪ Oh, I, oh, I ♪

♪ I played the fool ♪

♪ I laugh at me,
I'm trying, trying ♪

♪ Falling sometimes,
sometimes flying ♪

♪ Cry me an ocean
of one-liners ♪

♪ Cruel, cruel, cruel ♪

[♪ "Prove It"
by Television playing]

♪ The docks, the clock ♪

♪ A whisper woke him up ♪

Oh, hey!
Hey, new neighbor!

It's so weird.
Remember?

Your friend was supposed
to live in this house.

I remember.

Calm down.
I'm not mad at you.

Thanks. God.

[groaning]
Can I walk with you?

I got the first-day jitters
and I don't know

- where anything is.
- Come on.

Thank you.

What's up with the shoes?
You going to prom?

Oh, I knew they were too shiny.

- Whoa.
- You okay?

- Yep, I'm good.
- Okay.

Hey, you got a minute
to help me with something?

Yeah, of course.
You name it.

- [Dylan] Okay.
- [Greg] Ooh! That is cool.

[Dylan]
You should get one.

I need to lock in
my summer internship.

I don't think you know
how much I'm freaking out.

I mean, you don't exactly
sound so freaked out.

Why don't you give me
something with a little gusto?

- How are you feeling?
- I'm not sleeping.

- At all? You're stressed!
- I'm stressed!

- I'm stressed!
- Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, please.

I'm trying to work
on my book here.

Oh, my God, I am so sorry
for talking in my own apartment.

I hate him.

- We will keep it down.
- Thank you.

[Sunny]
I need an advisor with pull.

I should just ask
President Mann.

- He's at the gym all the time.
- [Mo] Right!

Oh, you and Walt.

That's really not...
That's not ideal for me.

Ideal for you?

Yeah.

Permission to be frank?

Break up.
Let's wrap this up. Go home!

It's just that I... I have been
in the spotlight

quite a lot lately, and I think

maybe in lieu of drawing
more attention to us...

She just rolled her eyes
at me saying "in lieu."

Educated people
say "in lieu," Mo.

My editor is calling me
every single day

asking to see new pages on this.

This book is not just for me,

it's for our child's future,
alright?

So, I think it would behoove us
to create conditions

under which I can succeed.

Walt, he is, like, the biggest gossip
on campus, alright?

And the last thing
that we need is that man

rooting around in our lives.

'Kay, fine.
I won't ask him.

Thank you.

[students chattering]

So, you think it's okay
to just hire him,

even though you already promised

the Writer-In-Residence gig
to my friend Ruby?

If this is what you meant
by helping, I don't love it.

Hiring Greg was
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Your friend
can do it next semester.

Maybe that'll give her time

to write something
someone's heard of.

Ruby won the Baillie Gifford
Prize in nonfiction.

- We all have our resumes.
- Look.

Walt said that I had
to take the job

or Katie was gonna lose hers.

And I would appreciate it
if we'd just keep that between us,

- because Katie would k*ll me.
- Of course.

Better watch your back, Greg,
'cause he might stab you in it.

You understand this isn't
even about her friend.

This is about the Review.

I don't know what the Review is.

- That is a shitty thing to say.
- Then I take it back, I do.

We're supposed
to be friends, Walt,

and you just tossed it aside.

You need to handle your job

with a little more
grace and sensitivity.

Do you know why I am
so deeply drawn to Greg?

You don't...
That's not necessary.

Because he is the only one
around here

who doesn't actually want
something from me.

[Dylan gasps]

It's a teeny tiny violin.

I was gonna ask what that was.

- It is really small.
- If you would excuse us,

I have to help Greg
find his new office.

Come. This way.

[Greg] Bye-bye.

And here we are.

Think I could have
found this on my own.

Do I need to apologize to Dylan?

Oh, we did nothing wrong.
She should be apologizing to us.

Let me show you my favorite part
of this whole setup.

Do you love it as much as I do?

So, your office
is connected to my...

You can come by
and say hi anytime.

- That'll be fun.
- We got a hockey game tomorrow night.

Hired a new coach.
You care to come?

I'm not really a hockey guy.

I wish that you had told me

that I was taking
Dylan's friend's job.

I bet Dylan's friend
wished we told her, as well.

- Cristle!
- Emailed her and sent a box of pears.

- Gym bag.
- Thank you.

Oh, shower shoes.

Door open or closed?

Uh, open's fine, thanks.

Good choice.

- [door closes]
- Wouldn't you know it?

Those rascals were in my bag
the whole time.

- I'll be back in a jiff.
- Okay.

[door slams]

See you soon.

[grunting] Why are you
making me do this?

This is like a labor camp.
This is hell.

- You're fine.
- I'm not, believe me.

[Sunny] Be right back.
Uh, Dean Riggs?

I'm Sunny Salewski,
I'm in your Evolutionary Bio class,

and I would like for you
to be my advisor.

Whoa, buy me a drink first.

I'm looking for an internship

in biotech with a focus
on health and wellness.

Look, you seem like a beautiful
young scientist, but I can't.

I'd explain further, but I've been told
not to by my attorney.

Good luck.

- Smoke break.
- You earned it.

Young lady. I-If I may.

Don't pick your advisor
based on what you think

they can do for you.

It should be someone with whom
you have a... a real connection.

Thank you, sir.

Onward.

[Sunny]
Oh, I should have just asked him.

I mean, he was already
advising me.

No, no. No, darling, no, no, no.
He was eavesdropping

and inserting himself
into your conversation.

That is just what Walt does,
trust me.

Uh, look, okay.
Once, totally offhand, right?

I mentioned to Cristle

that I might someday
want to have a dog.

Next thing I knew,
Walt is in my living room

with Roscoe.

He'd already called him Roscoe.

I wouldn't have
called him Roscoe.

I would have called him
something more whimsical,

like Giuseppe.

Okay, don't pretend you're not
in love with that dog.

I've seen you
open-mouth kissing him.

He prefers it that way,

- he's Italian.
- [scoffs lightly]

Look, Riggs loves me.
I'll speak to him.

I'll get him to change his mind.
What are you doing?

I am texting you a study
on the fecal matter

in dogs' mouths.

Shan't be reading that.

Okay, uh,
so you can use these notes

on the Impressionists
as a general guide.

I'm sorry about the pizza sauce.
I... I had a pretty late night.

- Have you ever seen Rick and Morty?
- Um...

- [Greg] Respecting boundaries by knocking.
- Take it, take it.

- Take it.
- [door closes]

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

Uh, I just wanted to check
to see if you looked

at that lesson plan
that I emailed.

Uh, hi... Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting?

A hundred percent.

Um, this is Lily, my TA.
She smokes.

- Yes! I love it. Yay!
- Yay.

I'm just prepping her
to cover my classes.

[Greg]
Oh. Okay, I can wait.

Uh, but what time is her class?

Because mine
starts in 25 minutes.

Okay, Dad, fine.

Um, you know, I did take a look,

and this is way over-scheduled.

This is giving me flashbacks
to when you were coaching

my U8 soccer team and you had
that big binder of plays.

- Yeah?
- Whoa, yeah, you've gotta relax.

- Okay, alright.
- Okay, do you remember

when you finally said screw it,
and you told us

to just kick the ball around
and have fun?

Yeah, I remember that.

Right, that was the first game
that we won.

Well, the other team's goalie
was, like, four years old.

Honey, honey, I get very nervous

speaking in front of people
unless I have a plan.

And I am not a rockstar teacher
like you are.

[sighs] At the moment,
I'm not any kind of teacher.

[Greg] [sighs] Okay.

You know what would
cheer you up?

There's a hockey game
tomorrow night.

You want to go together
like we used to?

Sure, Dad.

- Are you... Really?
- [Katie] Whatever.

I did not expect that answer.

Okay, I have to get to class.

- Okay. Yep.
- I love you. Lily?

Do not smoke,
it's not good for you.

Yes.

[♪ "Ride a White Swan"
by T. Rex playing]

Mm!

That's a cool shortcut.

♪ Like you were a bird,
fly it all out ♪

♪ Like an eagle in a sunbeam,
ride it all out ♪

Whoa!
[exclaiming]

- [♪ music stops]
- [thuds]

[groaning]

Oh, that's a dangerous shortcut.

Okay.

- Hello! Hello, everybody.
- [Tommy] Woof!

You look like Stone Hill got ya.

Yeah, new shoes, and I forgot

to scuff up the bottom,
so no biggie.

Your leg is bleeding.

Yeah, it doesn't hurt though.

Okay, so I'm not sure

how many of you
are familiar with my work.

Ah, Miami Amour.

That's a crowd-pleaser.

But I doubt that any of my books

are on the shelves
of this hallowed institution.

- They aren't.
- Oh, hey, I... I recognize you.

Ah, okay.
They are called beach reads.

And, yes, you can usually
find them at the airport.

But if you pick a good one,
you can't put it down.

Welcome to "The Art
of the Page-Turner."

- Let's f*cking go!
- [chuckles] Oh, yeah.

Okay, so we're gonna start.

I'm gonna talk about
some of the authors

who made me
want to tell stories.

People like Greg McDonald,
or Sue Grafton, or Carl Hiaasen.

Mine was Zadie Smith.

Yes.
Absolutely love him, or her.

Or they.

Um, I know
it's a little uptight here,

so I would like you...

- [marker squeaking]
- ...to call me Greg.

- You wrote "Grg," bro.
- Hmm?

The whiteboard.
You wrote "Grg."

And that's permanent marker.

It's gonna say "Grg" all year.

- Mr. Russo?
- Yes, question here.

Is this supposed to be you?

'Cause if so, dude,
nice washboard.

No, no, no, that is not me.

I have absolutely nothing
to do with the artwork.

I read that you get approval
on all your cover art.

- Did you, Ronni? You read that?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

You know, I, uh,
I emailed you all a syllabus

and a breakdown
of how every class

is going to go,
minute by minute.

Aw, man.
You made this sound like fun, man.

This is not fun.

I don't know
any of these authors.

I'm not sure if this literature
will speak to me.

Oh, just you wait, Ronni.

You are going to be
my white whale.

At this institution, we have
zero tolerance for body shaming.

Believe me,
I was not shaming her.

I was referencing a very famous book
that I have not read.

- Moby-d*ck.
- [Greg] And besides,

it doesn't really even
make any sense.

Ronni has a... a lovely figure.

No, no.
Nope. Nope. Nope.

If I may.
Life's complicated.

Uh, we all mess up.
We mess up at our jobs.

Mess up at our relationships.

But aren't we all
trying our best

to navigate the complexities
of this life?

"The slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune."

That's Hamlet, Greg.

Personally, I think
that the quickest route

back to forgiveness
is if we accept the fact

that in our cores...

we're just good people.

You are a bad person
and I hate you.

I'm fine here
with a verbal warning.

- [Greg] Oh, thank God.
- Walk with me, Mr. Russo.

You're a bad boy.

♪♪

Ten years ago, this school
didn't even have

- a disciplinary board.
- Mm.

- It's a real gotcha culture now.
- The last thing I'd want to do

- is make a young woman uncomfortable.
- Same.

Yet we both keep doing it.

Yeah. [chuckles]
What?

So, how are you getting on here?
You finding your bearings?

- Not even close, no.
- [chuckles]

Tell you what, Greg.
Come by my place tonight.

I'll give you
the lay of the land.

We can have a drink
on the porch.

I cannot tell you how much
I would love to do that.

I have a great bottle
of whiskey.

Porch whiskey it is.

- Look forward to it.
- Okay.

[both chuckle]

- 'Kay.
- See you then.

[vegan protesters]
Not your mom! Not your milk!

[g*n violence protesters]
No more silence! End g*n violence!

[Dylan]
Zoey, what is all this?

Uh, they double-booked
the free speech zone,

so on this side, we have vegans,

and on this side,
we have g*n control.

- What side are you on?
- I haven't really decided yet,

'cause on the one hand, I do
want jackfruit tacos in the caf,

but I also don't love the idea
of getting shot.

Tough call.

The free speech zone
was over by Cabot Hall.

Why is it outside my office now?

I... I guess someone
must have moved it.

[protester groups
continue chanting]

Anyway, I just wanted to say
thank you again for taking on Sunny.

An '86 Molique Volnay!

You must love
your mistress very much.

Well...

We need to talk.

I'm being summoned.
Just give me a minute.

Did you move the free speech zone
outside my office?

You should thank me.

I usually do more when people
complain about me to Walt.

- [chuckles]
- Oh, my God.

Are you that petty?

I'm gonna answer your question
with another question.

Yes?
[laughing]

[coughing]

Would you give me
that water, please?

- No!
- [coughing]

You pompous prick.

- [continues coughing]
- You are a walking relic of the past,

and nobody's gonna miss you
when you're gone.

- [gasping]
- Are you trying to be funny?

Don't you slide
out of your chair!

- [gasps]
- What are you doing?

- [thud]
- Riggs!

- Call 9-1-1!
- What?

- Cristle!
- [Archie] Oh, my God!

God, why do bad things
keep happening to me?

[line ringing]

[dispatcher]


Hello, yes, I'm just calling
from, uh, Ludlow College.

There's... There's a man
who I think has maybe fainted.

Um, well, I'm not a doctor,
but it doesn't look great.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

[knocking]

It's bad.
You drive.

[keys jingling]

Thank you.

It was a heart attack.

But Susan says
he will pull through.

Luckily, she has a friend
over there with her.

Good, good.
Did they say if a sip of water

- would have made a difference?
- What?

I've already taken care
of his classes for the week,

but we need an interim
Dean of Faculty.

- Okay.
- Today.

- Check.
- Then don't dilly-dally, do it.

You're... You're the one
who's preventing me from doing

- what you want me to do.
- Fine.

The show must go on.

Position's yours.

- No.
- [Walt] You'll do great.

- [Cristle] Congrats, Dylan!
- No. No, no, no.

I'm not it.
No, thank you.

Well, it's a rule that goes back
to gladiator times.

You k*ll a man, you get his job.

I did not k*ll him.

Well, the paramedics said
he was dead for three minutes

and you said that water thing
that was suspicious.

Plus, you can show me
how to do it all

- with grace and sensitivity.
- [Dylan chuckles]

I see what you're doing.

Fine, I'm in.

[Cristle]
Congrats again, Dylan!

- Appreciate you. [sighs]
- That's the spirit.

The man's an ox.
He'll be back before you know it.

- [machines beeping]
- [tubes slurping]

Have you ever seen him
look so peaceful?

No.

He really valued
your friendship.

Yeah.

[indistinct hospital PA
announcement]

V. Riggs.
He's the best.

- Ah. I should go.
- No. Please stay.

Stay for Vincent.

Vincent.

Dean Riggs, who I call Vincent

because he is my friend.

You know, he could sense

that I was feeling
a little lost,

and he reached out to me.

Do you wanna hold
his other hand?

[softly] Okay.

[machines continue beeping]

- [♪ mellow music playing]
- [people chattering]

I want you all to close your eyes
and picture something.

Go ahead, you can close your eyes.
Close your eyes. Okay.

The year is 1929.

- Are your eyes closed?
- Yeah, they're closed.

Stalin, he sorta... he becomes
this kind of... this myth.

Uh, like...
like the tooth fairy,

uh, if the tooth fairy
had led several violent purges.

[students laughing]

[Archie]
Stalin's cult of personality

was equal parts power
and equal parts fear.

Fear...

- Oh!
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Oh gosh, I...
Here, I'm sorry.

I... I owe you a drink.

Not... No.
I... I'm sorry.

It'll probably go faster
without all those loop-de-dos.

- Professor Shepard.
- Thanks.

I hear it's Dean Shepard now.
Congratulations.

- Yes, thank you.
- You're welcome.

I recently submitted a proposal

for my new philosophy
curriculum.

Weeks ago, actually,
so I'm gonna need to hear back,

like, ASAP, please.

Wow, a philosophy emergency.
Don't get those a lot.

I do.

Let's give Dean Shepard
a few days

- to get her feet wet.
- Mm-hmm, teaching young people

how to think.
I could use that power for good,

or I could use it
for something not good.

They all want something,
so never give anyone your time

- unless it's an emergency.
- Mm-hmm.

Hi. What's up, Doc?
No, what?

Uh, sorry.
I... Is it...

I'm, uh, I... I know I burned
a house down. Ah!

But if I don't have work
and I'm sitting at home,

my mind is going to some
dark and crazy places.

You threatening to strike again?

No, no, no. No.

- I should give her some time.
- Yeah, I think that would be best.

- Let's go to my office.
- I'd love to.

- [Dylan] Okay.
- [Katie] Sorry.

And, done.

- [machines beeping and hissing]
- [faint voice over PA]

I let you sleep.

You looked almost beautiful.

Is it morning?

Oh, no, no!
I'm late, I'm late!

Ah!
[exclaiming]

I told myself
I came to campus today

- 'cause I missed being here.
- [Dylan] Mm.

But I came to watch
Arch teaching.

Sorry, I don't know why
I'm telling you this.

We don't even know
each other that well.

It's okay.
Part of my job.

- Really?
- I don't know.

I met Archie two weeks
after I started teaching here.

I don't really have friends
of my own.

Your dad's here now.
He could be your friend.

Nope. I heard it.

- My bad.
- I think I just need a win.

So, is there any chance that
you would lift my suspension?

Again, don't know
how my job works,

- but I'll try.
- [sighs] Thank you.

[sighs] You should have
seen him today in class,

bouncing around all happy.

Why isn't he struggling
like I am?

[Archie exhaling sharply]

[♪ soft music playing]

[door opens, closes]

Hello, you. Hey.

- Uh, you okay?
- Yeah.

I was... I was just looking
at some old photos of Roscoe.

Thought you were gonna
give that to Riggs.

Sadly, I never got the chance.

Uh, well, I need an advisor
who can breathe on his own.

So, I made a list
of potential candidates

and factored in their
professional connections

relative to how likely
they are to die.

I crossed off two fatties
and a smoker.

That's quite morbid.

I mean, it...
It's only October, Sunny.

- What's the rush?
- What's the rush?

I've got a blueberry
inside of me

that's gonna grow to the size
of a f*cking watermelon.

So, it would "behoove" me
to lock in an internship

before I start showing, seeing as very few
biotech companies

want someone knocking over beakers
with a baby bump.

Well, that... Hey.

They can't actually discriminate
against you for that.

- That is ill*gal.
- Great.

I'll make a thousand
citizen's arrests.

You can go back to jacking off
to pictures of your gassy dog.

[♪ rock music playing]

- [students chattering]
- [Greg] Hold on, hold on, hold on!

I'm here.
No, no. Sit down, sit down.

Sit down,
we're still having class.

I don't have my lesson plan.

Could someone go online
and check the syllabus?

It is 10:46.

What does it say
we should be doing right now?

Five minutes
of spirited discussion.

Okay, does it say about what?

Uh, "reflections on what
we've discussed so far."

[sighs]

Hm.

You know what? Screw it.
[slapping legs]

Let's just kick the ball around
a little bit, have some fun.

- No one knows what that means.
- It is another metaphor, Ronni.

Not unlike "white whale,"

which I am saying
directed at no one.

Alright, here's the deal.

I didn't take many
writing courses in college,

partly because
I didn't go to college.

- Nice.
- I have written 11 bestsellers,

and the idea of teaching here
is terrifying.

All of you scare me.
Except Spooner.

- I got you, "Grg."
- [Greg] But you know what?

I think we have some things
in common.

We all love to tell stories.

Why?

Why do we want to write?

Okay, I thought that
all that vulnerability

might sort of loosen the jar,
but I will go first.

Um...

The best thing about
the Rooster books...

is that he gets to do everything
I wish I could.

Get in a bar fight,
or break the girl's heart.

Honestly, I write
because sometimes,

I wish I was someone else.

[♪ inspiring music playing]

When I used to write
in high school,

it was like the only time
I felt smart.

Thank you, Tommy.
[claps]

- Anybody else?
- [Maya] Uh, I started writing

- after my parents got divorced.
- Okay.

Now, I write a lot
of sad stories

about horses
who love their kids.

[claps] Beautiful!
That's great creativity, Maya!

- [shoes squeaking]
- Oh!

[♪ music stops abruptly]

I am so, so sorry.

I blame the shoes.

I actually got rid of 'em.

- Good. They were too shiny.
- Oh.

I've never run
one of these things.

So, what happens next?

We have to go through
the complaint.

[Dylan] Okay, it says here
you closed your hand

firmly around her breast?

[Cristle moans softly]

Uh, I think "firmly"
is an exaggeration.

It was more of a soft
and gentle cupping.

Why did I put it like that?

[pen scribbling]

Uh, Miss Samuels acknowledges
it was an accident.

Yeah.
I was bracing my fall,

and her breasts
happened to take the brace.

Okay. Don't do it again.

I'm out. Alright.

Thank you, everybody.
Appreciate it.

[Walt grunting]

[Archie] Walter?

Hello, hi.
Sorry, have you got a moment?

You have anything
problematic in your life

you still have a soft spot for?

- Uh...
- Michael Jackson?

Woody Allen?
Plastic straws?

Probably be Roald Dahl for me.

Not great with our
Jewish friends but, I mean,

Matilda the Musical,
oh, come on.

Listen, I know that
you only take on advisees

if you feel that you have
a particular sort of connection.

If you just... Uh, Sunny?

Could I borrow you
for a second, please?

Sunny here is a fantastic
neuroscience candidate,

centering particularly on
physical fitness and well-being.

Two fiery passions of yours,
if I'm not mistaken.

I mean, how... Listen,
y-you know, you could...

You could take your advisory
sessions in the sauna.

- You know?
- Aren't you pregnant?

In Nordic countries, it's actually routine
throughout pregnancy.

And worst-case scenario,
we just keep the temp below 170.

You know, I always see you
with a protein drink,

and I, uh, make my own.

If you...

You'll taste pea proteins
and a little bit

of dehydrated cherry
for flavors and antioxidants.

That's incredible.

I'll leave you to it.

You're sure you're okay with me
having a front row seat

to your interpersonal drama?

I would actually love
a third-party POV.

Oh, I think we could have
a great deal of fun with this.

[crowd chattering]

[coach shouting]

Don't be afraid to move it!
Don't be afraid to move it!

[crowd continues chattering]

- Okay. [laughing]
- [phone ringing]

Oh, um, sorry.

- Hi, Dad.
- [Greg] Hey, where are you?

You need to get down here.

The new coach
is drinking a beer,

and during the last timeout,

he was singing Sweet Caroline
to nobody.

[chuckles] I actually ended up
going out with Lily

and some of her friends.

- So, you're not coming?
- [crowd cheering]

Oh, sh**t.
Well, I... I was excited

to tell you about class.

I tried that thing of yours.

You know, the kicking
the ball around.

That's so great.
Can I call you back?

I'm actually having
kind of a fun time.

Sure. I'll just watch
the game by myself.

Maybe there is a daughter here
without a dad.

[Katie] Please don't make me feel guilty
for not hanging out with you.

You took this job without
asking how I felt about it.

You did that for you.

Yeah, I did that for me.

I am a selfish guy.
Selfish Greg.

Well, have fun with Lily.

And honey, remember what they
say about secondhand smoke.

It's even worse than
firsthand smoke.

- Okay. Love you.
- [phone beeps]

[coach] Here we go, Blue!

- Caruso, come here.
- [bottle cap popping]

Ah, finally, a friendly face.

Speaking of friendly faces,
who's that happy fella?

Oh, this is my jersey

from when I played
minor league hockey

with the Ontario Indians.

[chanting] Woo-woo-woo!
Chief love hockey.

Oh, my God, I have
to take this off, don't I?

- I would.
- Oh. Oh, sh... Okay.

Oh, my God.

How hard is it for you
to stop offending people?

It's harder than you think.

There we go.

You can still see the feathers.
Damn it.

Ten minutes ago,
I was in my bed,

in my bonnet, with my tea.

And then, I get a call saying
that as part of my new job,

that I gotta drive down here

and reprimand
our drunk hockey coach.

Well, he might not be drunk,
but he is definitely buzzed.

Come here, real quick.
I gotta tell you something.

[spitting]
Be better! Be better!

- He's drunk.
- I don't wanna police him.

I don't want to police you.

I am begging you, please.

Get your sh*t together.

I'm trying, it's just
nothing here makes sense.

My daughter doesn't want me
to be around.

And I keep falling down hills.

Walt's assistant
is creeping me out.

- I don't have time for this.
- No.

Because you are busy,
and I envy you for that.

I have so much time on my hands

that I got to read that book
that your friend Ruby wrote.

And it is... [snapping]
not my thing, honey.

- Don't snap, Greg.
- [groaning]

You know, everybody says college

is the best time of your life,
but I think it stinks.

I wanna go home.

You sound like
a college freshman.

Oh, yeah.

But you're not.

You're 60.

You want to go? Go.

I'm 57.
And you're mean.

- [coach] Come on! Go!
- [loud thud]

[coach] Yeah! Yeah!

♪ Sweet Caroline,
bah, bah, bah ♪

♪ Good times
never seemed so good ♪

So good! Everybody!
So good!

So good!

Aw, you guys f*ck' suck ba*ls!

[bottle clinking]

- [glass shatters]
- [crowd gasps]

Oh, f*ck, who cares?
Play on!

[♪ "Sweet Caroline"
by Neil Diamond playing]

[coin jingling]

♪ Now I ♪

♪ Look at the night ♪

♪ And it don't
seem so lonely ♪

♪ We fill it up
with only two ♪

♪ And when I hurt ♪

♪ Hurtin' runs off
my shoulders ♪

♪ How can I hurt
when holdin' you? ♪

♪ Warm ♪

♪ Touchin' warm ♪

♪ Reachin' out ♪

♪ Touchin' me ♪

♪ Touchin' you ♪

♪ Sweet Caroline ♪

♪ Good times
never seemed so good ♪

♪ I've been inclined ♪

♪ To believe they never... ♪

[laughter]

[child] Bye-bye.
[blows raspberries]