01x02 - Day 30

[bunniefuu]

[discordant piano notes]

♪

Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes!

No!

All the other thermometers

were sold out,

so I bought this meat thermometer.

You think it'll work in my mouth

or I gotta stab it in

my thigh like a chicken?

How much stuff did you buy?

I bulk bought CBD gummies,

Lisa Frank coloring books,

YA novels of dystopian teen romance.

- Annie!

- Don't judge me.

Didn't you just buy a

rack of Tory Burch caftans

and super expensive yoga wear?

Yes, and then I returned them all.

What? Why?

Because we don't know how

long this thing will last.

There are rumors in my

law firm is doing cutbacks

and I don't know what that's

gonna mean for my bonus.

So we've got to be smart

with money right now.

Well, at least you've got

money to be smart with.

Speaking of

Did you hear about Rufus's

latest get-rich-quick scheme?

Artisanal hand sanitizer!

- This is your big emergency?

- Yes.

You are in grave danger

of not cashing in on this pandemic.

No, I said no more schemes.

Just listen, just listen, just listen.

Do you remember a couple midsummers ago

I got my own home-brew equipment

so that I could make mead?

Yeah. You know what I don't remember?

- That whole month of August.

- I figured out I could distill

my remaining supply to pure alcohol,

combine it with black market aloe Vera,

and then re-brand it

for a desperate,

virus-fearing populace.

Now, get over here, hop

in my guest Hazmat suit,

and let's get ahead of the new economy.

- [tone chiming]

- Oh, look, another call.

- Now I don't have to fake one.

- Coward.

My life is over.

Pradeep, it's a pandemic.

Everyone's life is over.

No, no, no. Thanks to you,

Richie still insists on

raising our children vegan.

- You're still welcome.

- And now my children won't eat

anything but Woody Harrelson-branded

vegan mac and cheese or

Woody Harrelson's vegan chicken fingers.

I'm Visage's godfather,

and I take pride in knowing her

bougie vegan food preferences.

There is no Woody's Mac and Cheese

left anywhere in Los Angeles.

- Just order some online.

- I did.

And this is what I got.

A box of loose, broken spaghetti

and a bag of either Tang

and ranch dressing mix

or expired cocaine.

Why don't you let me move

in with you guys for a while,

- you know, help out?

- [laughs]

Oh, Ben.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait. Are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious. You're

overwhelmed, I'm lonely.

What are you scared of,

that your kids are gonna like me more?

'cause it's too late for that.

Let me talk to Richie.

He was a big germophobe

even before the pandemic,

so it might be a hard sell,

but it could be perfect.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh. I-I'll talk to you soon.

We'll talk about it

later. Bye-bye-bye.

- Hey, what's up?

- Emergency meeting.

Round up the Gossip Girls.

Quickly, before group drinks.

Is this a real emergency

or a Rufus emergency?

- Ben wants to move in with me.

- Oh!

Relax. I haven't said yes yet.

No, I thought these were gonna be

the ironic Third Eye

Blind T-shirts I ordered.

What are they? Hootie & The Blowfish?

No, they're a g*n.

Someone mailed me a g*n.

Ben wants to move in with me and Richie.

- Didn't see that coming.

- Ooh, plot twist.

- As a Manny.

- A Manny?

Like, to help out with the kids,

like my own Mrs. Doubtfire.

Well, sure, he just broke up with Paz,

and clearly my brother

can't be alone, so

Also, we don't talk about

Mrs. Doubtfire, Pradeep.

Hello! No?

- No.

- Pradeep.

Do you really think Ben

is going to be helpful?

He draws cartoons for a living.

He eats sugar cereal, and he's

still afraid of thunderstorms.

It will be like having a third child.

Good, good, good.

He can play with mine.

Annie, you have to commit now.

Are you going to ask Ben

to move in with you or not?

- I'm working on it.

- Well, work faster.

I am this close to

converting the basement

- into a guest bedroom.

- Hey, love? It's here.

You guys, I gotta go.

Annie, talk to Ben

before Pradeep steals him.

Hey, babe, the kids are starving.

No, no, no, no, no.

My mother's family was starving

when they were partitioned

out of Pakistan.

These kids are picky.

You raised picky kids.

Annie, make a move on Ben or I will.

I'll be back for the

group hang in a few.

You said you were gonna

ask him a month ago.

Why haven't you made a move?

One, I'm not sure that he's over Paz.

And two, because although I'm

a pragmatist and a feminist,

I want him to make the first move,

which is why I've

devised an elaborate plan.

After the group chat tonight,

we're supposed to be

streaming a movie together.

Just the two of us.

And I've chosen

"When Harry Met Sally."

That's it? That's your whole plan?

You might as well not

do anything at all,

because that's literally

the same thing as that.

It's a movie about how men

and women can't be friends

'cause of sexual tension and attraction.

Yeah, no, I've seen it.

My Hebrew school made us

watch the collected

works of Nora Ephron.

It'll start the conversation.

I'll steer it in the right direction,

and then boom, first move, Ben.

But is it really the first move

if you have to trick him into making it?

- Trick who into making what?

- Ben!

Annie wants Garret

to make her some sushi

but she wants him to

make the first move.

Hey, Ben. Are we still watching

Salutations. You remember

when you all met my dad?

- Oh, sorry, you go.

- Oh, no, you go.

No, I'm gonna go.

To the first month of quarantine

and hopefully not many more.

- Amen to that.

- [exhales deeply]

Hey, what's that big blinking

thing you got back there?

Ooh, I've been making

Japanese food and I bought

the most sophisticated

rice cooker on the market.

- Yeah, without consulting me.

- It was a surprise!

It can bake a cake

and order its own rice.

It's like a little human and I love it.

Thank you, Garret.

That thing's a waste of money.

My guy says all rice is gone mid-June.

- Hello.

- Hey.

- What's wrong?

- Oh, hey. You look a mess.

My children are monsters.

They refuse all Woody's Vegan

Mac and Cheese substitutes.

You guys know Richie spent all day

making Bon Eatery's

version from scratch.

It came out gorgeous.

Ross threw it at me, Visage

vomited it in the pan,

and then Richie went

to go do damage control.

And now all three of them

are crying in the other room.

I actually think you might

have some in your hair.

Macaroni or vomit? Macaroni or vomit?

[yells]

All I need is 20 minutes

of peace and quiet,

so guys, don't judge me,

but I ordered vegan chicken

fingers on a delivery app.

Driver's almost here.

I'm telling you, those kids just

need a little bit of Ben-Time.

I'm like a human vegan chicken finger.

I am discussing it with

Richie in the morning.

So if anyone has a problem with it,

they should discuss it tonight.

[laughing] But enough about my needs,

what are you guys discussing, Annie?

Garret was just showing us

his new rice cooker, Pradeep.

Would you like me to make some rice?

I need to buy some stuff.

Get me some hobbies, something.

I mean, I almost adopted a dog,

and I'm deathly allergic to dogs.

I just hate being alone.

But you don't regret

breaking up with Paz, right?

Right. Paz was whack.

- So whack.

- So whack.

- Mm-hmm.

- So whack.

I knew you guys didn't like her.

The first time she saw

me in a bathing suit,

she called me brave.

Paz called Michelle "Raquel."

You had been dating her

for a year and a half.

And she still thought

my name was Raquel.

She wouldn't let us watch

"A League of Their Own"

because she said brunette

Madonna made her sad.

Maybe that's what we should watch.

- I still haven't seen it.

- Actually, I was thinking

that maybe we should watch

We saw "Invisible Man."

- Oh, it was so good.

- How was it?

- So scary.

- Ooh.

You know, you had to

pay a little bit extra

because it was basically

a theatrical release,

but it was so worth it.

- That's not what I planned.

- Yes, that is what we should watch.

Right, right. Or we could watch

Okay, okay, now the delivery

driver can't find my house.

What is her deal?

You're driving the wrong

way. Driving the wrong way!

- Um

- Damn, Annie, you're blowing up.

Oh, yeah, nothing.

It's just work stuff.

Wait, what happened to Ben?

Oh, I'm the meeting

host and I kicked him out

so Annie would stop ignoring us.

He's single. My brother is

not going to be single for long.

Is it too much to want him

to make a move, any move?

I mean, if he was interested,

why hasn't he said

anything to any of us?

Actually, he may have

said something to me,

but I often tune him out. [kids whining]

Annie, I don't think you understand

how insane it is over here.

My children found their

harmonicas this morning.

If you don't ask Ben, I

Pradeep, you already have a husband.

You don't get to turn Ben

into Richie's sister wife

while I'm still single.

I can't rush this. He

just broke up with Paz.

I don't wanna be a rebound

or just some warm body

because he's lonely.

Plus, you guys are my L.A. family.

If things go bad, it could

wreck it for all of us.

And I don't wanna mess this

up down, left, right.

Then you press A, B, then

start, and then you can

What happened? It said

the host kicked me out.

My hand slipped.

What were you guys talking about?

- Our crumbling democracy.

- How long was I gone?

[laughs] You guys, the food is here!

- Coming! I'm saved.

- [harmonicas playing]

America is imploding, all right?

We got not enough food on the shelves,

not enough beds in the hospitals.

The vegan chicken finger

supply chain is broken.

What falls apart next?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

- This is wrong. This is all wrong!

- Ooh.

I waited for two

mother I-do-not-curse-in-front-

of-my-children-king hours

while you failed to find my address

with the aid of a

public satellite system

and several multinational corporations.

And you got the

not-in-front-of-my-children-

sucking order wrong?

Get your I-do-not-

use-that-language

out of my house before I

shove these Prada shoes up it.

Go!

Pradeep, it seems, is

what falls apart next.

Come on!

Apparently, the restaurant

was out of vegan chicken fingers,

so they substituted fried pickles.

Pradeep, the driver can't control that.

All I know is that it is

almost my kids' bedtime,

and I'm back to square one.

If I was there we'd

play a round of Ben-Ball,

tire them right out.

They love Ben-Ball.

The kids do love Ben-Ball.

And if no one else wants

to play Ben-Ball, then

What if Ben and your kids

get mutually codependent?

I heard that can happen

when friends move in with

other friends' families.

I choose my sanity

over their co-dependence

any day of the week.

Pradeep, just take a deep

breath and start a new order.

I have to give the driver a review

before I can start a new one.

I think we all know

what that's gonna be.

Wait, stop. What are you doing?

I'm giving the driver

a one star review, duh.

- No, you can't.

- That's too far, bro.

She was two hours late

delivering four pounds

of cold fried pickles.

I am delivering her one star,

and I'm doing it punctually.

Unlike other people.

If your rating goes beneath

four on those services,

you stop getting work.

The economy's crumbling.

We have to be looking

out for each other.

Pradeep, I understand having

kids right now it's hard,

but you can't cost someone

their job because you're tired.

Tired? Tired?

Maybe you should move in so

you can see what it's like.

Whoa, everyone, stop.

Look, we're all super stressed, okay?

Michelle's worried about

money. Ben is lonely.

I

have my issues also.

This quarantine is lasting

longer than we expected,

and we're all fraying

at the seams a little.

Pradeep, is it possible

that this is about

more than just pickles?

Do you wanna talk?

No, I want to sleep.

I wanna order food

quickly so my children

don't low-blood-sugar tantrum

till 3:00 in the morning.

I am giving her one star.

How does it take someone two

hours to drive nine blocks?

Well, that's the thing,

isn't it, Pradeep?

You don't know because you're

not out there facing the danger

and the chaos of everything

going on right now.

You're just letting other

people do it for you.

So when it doesn't go perfectly,

you don't get to complain.

Just like you don't

get to complain about

Richie's parenting, because honestly,

you've just been

letting him do that too.

- Whoa.

- Are you serious?

You're telling me about

how to raise children?

It's, like, no wonder

you want Ben to move in.

You haven't had to do any

parenting in four years.

Ellis, I think that's a little too far.

Why do you care if I

give this person one star?

Because I lost my job.

- What?

- Oh, no.

The place I was managing went

under and it's not coming back.

And I've been delivering

food for two weeks,

and if I got a one star

review, I couldn't even do that.

Well, I'm sorry, I didn't know that.

But

I just paid 100% surge premium delivery

on overpriced food that

wasn't even delivered.

I paid $90, plus tip, to try and get

20 minutes of peace and quiet.

And when that didn't even work,

I can't even say that

this person did a bad job?

My clients keep telling me

that they don't need work right now.

So I'm being constantly

reminded of how stupid I was

to start a PR business

and buy this house.

And I can't afford $90 for

fried pickles I don't want.

You're right, Ellis.

I haven't been doing my

fair share of the parenting,

and starting to carry that weight

in the middle of a pandemic

and an economic downturn

has just been rough.

And things with Richie are tense too.

So I thought if I could

just solve this one thing

and then all the other

things would fall into line,

but I couldn't.

I don't know how to do this.

[cell phone chimes]

I gave her five stars.

So it was about more than

just the pickles then, huh?

I didn't know things were

that bad over there, Pradeep.

Yeah, neither did I

until I said it out loud.

Seriously, would it help

if I moved in with you guys,

help take a little pressure off?

Maybe Ben should move

in with you, you know?

I mean, he's a pretty helpful guy.

You can reach the shelves

in the kitchen for you.

Thank you.

But I can reach those shelves

when I jump.

Plus, isn't there someone,

somewhere, who needs him more?

Wait, who needs me mo

Y'all been talking to my mama?

Or maybe he needs to move forward,

because someone who cares

about him isn't seen in the way

that someone would like to be seen as.

I can't move in with my mom.

She put all her collectible

dolls in my bedroom,

and they keep looking at me.

Maybe Ben doesn't know that

that someone feels that way

because that someone's

emotions are locked up tighter

than the Disney Vault.

The someone has shown how she feels.

She smiles. Smiles are big signals.

Maybe if you're in Downton Abbey.

Guys, I am not moving

back in with my mom.

She talks to the TV.

She thinks her and Judge

Mathis are good friends.

Ben, you can't move

in. Ellis is right.

I need to start working

on living with my family

instead of coming up with

new places to hide from them.

I don't know, Pradeep.

In an anarchist

post-apocalyptic society,

radical selfishness may

be the only viable option.

Rufus, no, stop.

We're not ourselves right now.

Hell, the whole world is off.

I got sent a g*n in the mail today.

- What?

- How did this not come up earlier?

We were too busy

dealing with Picklegate.

I prefer to think of it as Brine/11.

- But who

- It's addressed to this

creepy guy named Elwood. He

lives in the building across from mine.

He has a telescope.

If you're not an astronomer,

you shouldn't have a telescope.

Anyway, not the point.

I hate g*ns,

but I've been so freaked out

with everything going on lately

that I was actually

thinking about keeping it.

You should 100% keep that g*n.

When society collapses,

a g*n will be worth its weight in gold.

- It will?

- Yes.

And for the record, all of

you should be buying gold.

Rufus, I'm not keeping the g*n.

I don't want any of this to

change who I am, who we are.

I know it's all different now.

These screens and these apps,

it's harder to stay

connected, but we have to try.

Pradeep and Ellis, you

guys have to talk to us.

You shouldn't be carrying

all this on your own.

We're a family, okay?

I don't know what I'd

do without you guys.

I would also encourage

you to talk with others

in this group about what you're feeling.

After all, people and not-talking houses

- should not throw talk-stones.

- Socrates.

Ellis, are you okay?

Can you pay your rent?

- Health insurance?

- [sighs]

Honestly, I'm not sure

I can afford either,

which, you know, is not

great when you're a lady

who has to take hormones

every day, but I will survive.

They're not letting landlords

throw people out for

not paying rent yet,

so I'm just gonna let that slide

and continue to deliver

people's groceries and food

until I figure something out.

You can always join my new venture.

Plus my hand sanitizer,

it makes great heating fuel for

when the power grid goes down.

Rufus, did you not hear me

just say I'm about to

lose my health insurance?

I'm not stepping a foot

near your stupid meth lab.

Ugh, I wish I could make meth here.

Ellis, they can't evict you,

but you're gonna rack

up a whole bunch of debt

by not paying your rent for months.

I'll figure it out. I always do.

- We'll pay.

- What?

No, we can afford it.

You saved our asses a thousand times

when you managed our rental units.

We will pay your rent. You

pay your health insurance.

You guys don't have to do that.

Yeah, can we maybe talk

about this real quick?

Ellis, you're our

friend. We care about you.

- We can take care of you.

- But can we?

I mean, obviously, I would love to,

but all this talk about

a crumbling society and lawlessness

We don't know how long

this situation is gonna last, Garret.

Ellis, I am not saying that

we're not gonna to help you.

I'm just saying that we

need to talk about it first.

We should go.

I have to go start my

delivery shift anyway.

Yeah, I love you guys, but

I should go talk to Richie.

Ben, you still up for a movie?

Sure. "Invisible Man"?

I was thinking "When Harry Met Sally."

- Okay, we're gonna go.

- Okay, bye.

Gotta go, it's very charming.

Have fun, see you later.

- [sighs] That was intense.

- Intense times.

I can't believe I was actually thinking

of keeping this handgun.

- Annie.

- What?

That's a flare g*n.

It has the word "flare" written on it.

Oh, wow. I thought

that was the brand.

This looks like a g*n.

That thing doesn't sh**t b*ll*ts.

It helps people find

you in an emergency.

Well, this is an emergency,

and I do need someone to find me.

[flare explodes]

Oh, my God, I thought

you said it didn't sh**t!

- It doesn't sh**t b*ll*ts.

- [smoke alarm blaring]

It shoots flares.

No, I think my Girl Scout cookies

are on fire. I gotta go.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I think so.

I mean, the fire department

kept it contained to my kitchen,

and this is hardly the first time

I set fire to something in there.

This has made one thing

very clear, though.

I should never own a g*n.

And you never did. Once

again, it was a flare g*n.

- Where are you at right now?

- My balcony.

My apartment is full of ash, water,

and half a dozen strangers

breathing on my things

during a pandemic.

What do you think will k*ll me first?

The firemen breath or

the burnt microwave smoke?

- You can't go to a hotel right now.

- Miss?

Why don't you come over

to my place and spend the night?

The police are gonna

need to speak with you.

Yeah, I'm just gonna put my

mask on, I'll be right in.

Sorry, I gotta go.

The police are here.

What were you saying?

Nothing. I don't know

We can talk about tomorrow.

Thanks for calling me.

You're exactly who I wanted

to talk to you right now.

[piano notes]

Garret.

Catching me in raw the

glamor of food delivery.

- Where you going?

- Driver-client privilege.

But her name may or may not be Lizzo,

and she may or may not have ordered

the coconut Bavarian from Vespertine.

We're gonna pay your rent

and your health insurance

until you can afford both.

It's not a loan,

and I am not taking no for an answer.

- Garret.

- You're our family.

We work our asses off

to do things like this

for the people that we love.

That's very sweet.

What does Michelle have to say?

Sorry, husband-wife privilege.

I'm not taking money from you

guys behind Michelle's back.

You're not.

This is from her too.

She just doesn't know it yet.

Look Michelle is all

love, you know that.

And she's the one that taught me

about generosity and

compassion and and

she's just scared right now.

She's not herself, and that's okay.

She'll get back there.

I'm just gonna be her until she does.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, we are.

Thank you.

[soft melancholy music]

♪

Ben, for the last time,

you cannot quarantine

with me and my family.

No, no, no, I'm off

that. I'm just checking in.

How do things go with Richie?

Oh, you know what? I think we're okay.

Richie's the best.

He's been stuck with

these kids for four years.

He's used to it.

I think we're having a major break.

And he's like, "No, no, no, no, babe,

that was just a Wednesday."

What?

We are gonna go back

to counseling, though,

you know, make sure we stay okay.

Good. Speaking of okay,

go ahead and check outside

your door right now.

What did you do?

Oh! No. No, no, no!

How did you what

the Is this a hologram?

I helped Rufus out with his

ill*gal hand sanitizer hooch,

but I made him pay me with dark web

black market vegan children's pasta.

Apparently, this was

flown in from Thailand,

and it came with 5 pounds

of heroin and a human kidney.

What made you do this?

You're my friend. I care about you.

You still cannot move in with us.

Why not? You're being selfish.

You wanna teach your kids selfishness?

I love you, Ben.

I love you, too.

You can keep the bribe.

Oh, I intend to. [laughs]

Yes!