01x03 - Day 78

[bunniefuu]

[discordant piano notes]

[light percussive music]

♪

[phone chimes]

[scoffs]

♪

[Rufus grunting]

[light chime]

Is there a game tonight?

It's not cool having secret games

you don't tell me about, Rufus

I'm not here for the poker.

I'm just here to hide from Garrett

and his incessant planning.

He keeps sending me emails

to see if I got his emails.

I know! It's a trip to Big Bear,

not the plot to "Inception."

I love these piña coladas.

You know, it's the

only way I can get lit

- and still make my deliveries.

- Hey, you don't need to fake drink

- to have a fake good time.

- Disagree.

Ugh, I cannot wait for this trip.

I'm so sick of my apartment.

I miss people.

For a while the deliveries

were taking the edge off,

but now people don't

even come to the door.

They just leave a little sign

that says "leave food on porch."

Mine just says "no."

Speaking of, uh, human interaction,

you heard from Annie?

She's been radio silent lately.

Huh.

You know, Ben's been strangely

non-participatory as well.

You don't think they're being

strangely non-participatory

together, do you?

I mean, I kinda do now.

Ugh, I wish they would just

get it over with and smash.

Cis sexual tension just tires me.

You know? Me too.

- [light chime]

- What, what!

- Hey!

- Whoo!

We think Ben and Annie hooked up!

What? Yes! Finally! Bannie!

Wait, are we all hiding

from Garrett in here?

- 100%.

- Hiding, drinking

Look, after watching Amy

Cooper almost k*ll a Black man

and a dog today, I could sit through

100 Garrett PowerPoint presentations

just to escape the madness for a bit.

Rufus! You're too far away.

- Come give me a hug.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Michelle, you know

how I feel about hugs.

Yes, and I'm actively

choosing to ignore you.

[smooching] Hugs, hugs, hugs.

Hugs with people.

- Hugs, hugs, hugs.

- For real?

No. For virtual.

You've been hiding from me?

That's not why I got you these headsets.

Yes, but it is a wonderful bonus.

Big Bear PowerPoint starts in five.

I need everyone to be

present and focused.

I have planned this

trip to the last detail.

One misstep, one person messes up,

and the whole thing is ruined.

Traveling during a pandemic

is not fun and games.

I need everyone to take this seriously.

[splat]

[rapid firing]

- [sighs]

- [chuckles]

[laser hums]

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

[laughter, shouting]

In a world where it's

unsafe to leave your homes,

one group of friends

would redefine our notions

of extra-precautionary measures

in order to prepare for

Operation Big Bear.

[laughter, cheers]

Yes! We made it!

In 24 hours, our safe bubble commences.

Yes! Human contact!

Adult, non-husband human contact.

Anxiety-inducing human contact.

I need this so bad.

2020 has been like a constant

steady stream of body blows,

and this trip is giving

me something to live for!

Can I renew my strenuous objections?

None of us have Type O blood;

if we get this thing, we're all dead.

Wait, are you backing out?

No, I'm backing in

to my sealed and sterilized tent

I'll be setting up in New York.

If any of you need me,

I'll join all group

activities from my phone.

Rufus, you still think it's dangerous?

Come on, we've been so good!

No, I don't think. I know.

Well, this is actually a good segue

into my first slide.

And y'all have, so give

yourselves a pat on the back.

Now, I know that it's been hard

doing my ultra-tight

14-day quarantine,

but now it is time to reap the rewards.

- Yes!

- Oh, come to papa.

Seven beds, nine baths,

a pool and a hot tub

overlooking the lake.

- [cheering]

- And it would not be

Scandinavian design without a sauna.

Your sacrifices have not been in vain.

Tomorrow, we will escape

our dystopian existence,

flee this city,

and give each other hugs for realsies.

Except for Rufus who hates hugs

and will be in a tent.

Now, supplies.

Who has brought forth the Lysol Wipes?

See? This is why I didn't want

to start without Ben and Annie.

This is their department.

What's going on, guys?

Where's Ben and Annie?

We have our suspicions.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Apology accepted.

Where are the Lysol Wipes?

Annie's got them. I

talked to her earlier.

[gasps]

Was she not supposed to get them?

You got your hair done.

Oh! Yeah, I did.

I-I did it myself.

You know, it took a long

time, but I got it done

Brother man, you went from

Tim Meadows to Allen Iverson.

- You did not do that yourself.

- And you got lined up.

You know you can't use your left hand.

Yes, I can! I've been practicing.

There is no way you

did that by yourself!

If you don't tell all

of us what is going on,

I will start a podcast

until I solve this mystery.

Ben, did you maybe get some help?

Yeah, maybe someone did it for you?

We haven't really heard

from you or Annie recently.

- Did you maybe

- Okay, fine! You got me.

All right, we went to the barbershop,

- but they were extra

- Wait, I heard a "we" in there!

- Guys, I

- Oh, "we"!

Wait!

Together: A barbershop?

Michelle, did your brother just say

he broke my very clear

quarantine instructions

- to go to the barbershop?

- Relax!

Okay, everything was outdoors.

They never took the mask off. I'm good.

Typical B-positive.

You are the Pisces of blood types!

Breathe, baby.

Do you smell pennies?

Ben, how dare you pollute

my extreme excitement for you

with my extreme disappointment in you?

Were the rules strict? Yes.

Yes, they were,

but we all followed them anyway

because this was important to Garrett.

- And more importantly, to me.

- And more importantly for me!

I needed this, and you wrecked

it with your mysterious "we,"

which I'm also excited about,

and your weird, celebratory

haircut afterwards.

Very excited and very disappointed.

Pradeep, are you really

doing this right now?

Yes! I call out

injustice when I see it

When you know good and damn well

you brought your housekeeper back.

Oh!

This is really about Ben, Garrett.

I want you to remember that.

Pradeep, is this true?

I had a weak moment. Okay?

One time, like two weeks ago.

[vacuum whirring]

Which is when

we scheduled weekly visits, so

- Oh, God.

- A weekly weak moment.

Three times! I got one haircut once.

Wha men are just so selfish.

I-I'm sorry.

Truly, Garrett, I tried, but

You know, you guys don't have kids.

And we needed help.

Our housekeeper, our

nanny, our gardener

- Together: Nanny?

- Whoa.

That's right!

Our occasional nanny.

They are barely keeping

me and Richie above water.

Does anybody else see black spots?

- In and out, baby.

- Garrett, we took every precaution.

We wore masks.

We took each other's temperatures.

We broke your quarantine rules

respectfully and responsibly.

How could you?

And the lying makes it worse, Pradeep.

The lying makes it worse.

Oh, does it, Ellis?

Does the lying make it worse?

Yes, it does. It makes it sting.

Ellis goes to an ill*gal

SoulCycle speakeasy.

- [wailing]

- What?

They won't let me cancel my membership

and I need to work off

all that dumb sourdough

you guys keep sending me!

What am I supposed to do, not use it?

- Yeah!

- That's exactly what

you're supposed to do!

It is not as bad as it sounds, okay?

The basement has a little air hole.

The basement?

Do you guys have any

idea how much planning

has gone into this trip?

Oh, yes, this is the third meeting

with shower schedules on the agenda.

Garrett, I know you're angry,

and you have every reason to be,

but you don't need to cancel this trip.

These were tiny infractions, all right?

Medicinal, prescriptive,

safe interactions

that we all desperately needed.

Like my socially-distanced

walk with Michelle yesterday.

- Oh, for real?

- Well, I was on blast,

now you're on blast.

It's the circle of blast.

What treachery is this?

Did you not I mean, were walks no

Because the approved list of

activities was a little bit

The approved list of

activities was very clear.

Okay, Garrett, I'm human. I'm sorry!

I made a mistake! We all did.

I didn't,

but I still think this trip is

a mass burial waiting to happen.

And woe be the person that

stays in that cabin after you,

because Ellis is for

sure gonna haunt them.

Well, thank you,

Rufus. I feel very seen.

This is like when I

accidentally heard a spoiler

for the final season

of "Game of Thrones."

Disappointing for so many reasons.

Hey, I thought we were

gonna watch "World of Dance."

Uh, thank you for the reminder, Alexa.

All right, just gimme a second.

I got a work thing.

That wasn't Alexa.

Was that Paz?

The "we" was Paz?

The "we" was Paz.

All right, that's it! That's it.

Operation Big Bear is

Operation Canceled.

Paz? How did this happen?

Just last week, you were off her.

And now you're back on her?

I cannot abide attractive

but ultimately shallow people

who are women.

Most of my follows on Insta

are hot male sociopaths.

The point is, you point us in

an awkward position, Benjamin.

Look, you know how lonely I've been.

Plus, this week has been insane;

Amy Cooper, COVID cases skyrocketing.

So I got drunk off the last

of my schnapps a few days ago,

and I maybe might've texted Paz.

Please tell me it was at least

more inspired than "You up?"

It was in that area.

I am human! All right?

I have human needs.

It was just supposed to be closure sex.

Now it's been a week.

I've got all sorts of

shampoos in my shower

and pretty sure she's

using my toothbrush.

This is not what I had planned.

Ben! Are you kidding me?

How could you do this to Garrett?

I mean, I feel like we

all kinda did something

Look, we have 24 hours to

get this man to the woods.

He's about to snap, or die of a

broken heart, I can't tell which.

Either way, I hid the knives.

Honey, I can't find the knives!

Fix this!

Ben, Paz isn't even

pretending to be safe.

She just posted she went ice skating

yesterday. Heart.

In LA!

Like, where would she even do that?

I tried to kick her out last night,

but she's having a hard time right now.

Well, I've always said

this pandemic is hardest

on the lower-tier Instagram influencers.

Her spon-con is gone.

She's panicked about money.

Plus, I don't want bad quarantine karma.

Ah, ah, ah.

You can't talk about karma,

like I can't say "okurrr" anymore.

Big Bear is canceled?

I can't hibernate for much longer, Ben.

Hey, yeah, you know we're all

responsible for this, right?

- Oh, but it was mostly you.

- Yeah, but you more than us.

For sure not me.

Guys, Garrett is in really bad shape.

He wants to watch some movie

called "Mutiny on the Bounty,"

and he's opened his "I'm

sad" bottle of whiskey.

We've got to sort this out.

Michelle?

You're two minutes late for movie night.

Coming, love!

- Help me!

- All right, I'm on it.

- I'll go talk to him.

- [doorbell rings]

Oh, wait, that's the delivery driver.

Paz bought a Peloton

bike from Craigslist

to make it look like she

has a sponsorship deal.

She bought her own bike?

She says she has to

spend money to make money.

[groans] Now I gotta find a way

to get her and this

thousand-pound stationary bike

out of my place.

She is very good.

I'll be back.

Wait, Ben said he and Annie talked.

Do you think that's why she disappeared?

You think he told her about Paz

and then she spiraled into a depression?

Oh, my gosh, we have to find her!

I'm on it.

Rufus, are you listening?

She's depressed. She's not gonna answer.

Relax, I know how to communicate

with people of her blood type.

What do you mean, "you

all tested positive"?

Sorry, should've clarified.

- Tested positive with concern.

- What?

Annie, we heard the news

and we think it's unhealthy

that you're not talking

about it with us.

How did you guys find out?

Oh, it it doesn't matter.

The point is, we're family,

and you can't quarantine

your feelings from us.

I'm sorry, y'all.

I should've said something sooner.

I just It's okay. It's okay.

We know how much you wanted

this Ben thing to work out,

and it it sucks

that he's back with Paz,

but we're here for you.

Wait, what?

Ben is back with Paz?

You didn't know?

Ah, what were you talking about?

I just got hired to

ghostwrite a romance novel.

It's like this huge job, and

I've got a crazy deadline.

That's why I've been so distant.

I wanted to take a chunk

out of it before Big Bear.

- Oh, my God. That's so great.

- Congrats.

- Annie! Wow!

- Yeah.

Congrats. So cool.

He's not bringing her, is he?

Well, no. Good news is no.

Uh, bad news is, the

trip's been canceled.

What? Why?

- Because of Paz.

- Ben and only Ben messed up.

No!

I haven't even opened

a window in 14 days.

I know, we've all taken it seriously.

Same here!

Actually, there may be

a way to salvage this.

But the answer lies deep in

the belly of the dark web.

Rufus?

Rufus!

Should we be worried?

- Oh, definitely worried.

- I think it's fine.

What? I mean, fine.

How could Ben do this?

Oh, I believe it involved

a c*ck of German alcohol

- and loneliness.

- Oh, forget all that.

Tell us about your romance novel job.

What's it about?

It's about a woman who's

secretly pining for her friend

who's in a relationship.

And when they break up, she

finally confesses her love

and they spend the rest

of their lives together.

But in medieval Scotland.

You might wanna rework that ending.

What am I doing? For real.

I mean, this this

whole Ben thing isn't

I should just move on, right?

And just try to get out there.

Well, as long as your "get out there"

involves you never leaving the house,

then yes, I think it's a good

idea to explore your options.

Well, why didn't you

tell us about this book?

That's good news.

Because it just felt selfish

to brag about a new job

- when you just lost yours.

- No.

A win for one of us is a

win for all of us right now.

All right, I may not have the Clippers,

but I still have you,

and you, Annie, are doing

better than the Clippers.

Yeah, come on! Let's celebrate.

Wait, I think I have

something real to celebrate.

I mean, my thing is real, Rufus.

Rufus, I got a text from

you saying, "Solved this."

What's going on?

Careless friends isn't

something you can solve, Rufus.

Actually, it is.

Uh, I have a frenemy

named Rich on the dark web.

He got a ton of my hand sanitizer.

He's willing to trade another batch

for seven rapid COVID tests.

We'd have the results in 24 hours.

- Yes! Yes!

- Shut up!

- Oh, yeah.

- Rufus, you came through!

- Shove it up there.

- Yes, baby. Isn't that great?

- It's all good.

- No.

What? You're still mad

about the walk with Ellis?

We wore masks and we

stayed six feet apart.

We can't use those tests.

Why, because they're from the dark web

and they're probably super sketch?

No, if anyone could track down

reliable tests, it's Rufus.

- Correct.

- But people need these tests,

and they can't get them anywhere.

There are shortages

all over the country.

I mean, Jazmin can't get her

hands on enough of these things

as a doctor in New York.

And we're gonna just

divert seven of them

for a vacation to Big Bear?

We can't use them. It's wrong.

Is it wrong?

I mean, it's seven tests.

It's not like we're gonna

wipe the state clean.

Come on, baby, I know how

much you needed this escape.

I just wanted one thing

to go right, but it can't.

All we had to do was just

follow some simple rules

and we couldn't even do that.

- Hey, Ben.

- Hey.

I'm guessing they caught you up.

- Yep.

Sorry I ruined the trip

with my barbershop run.

Oh, Ben, come on.

The outdoor barbershop

was probably fine.

You ruined the trip with Paz.

I mean, actually, Rufus

has a way to save the trip.

He has a friend who can test all of us.

- Oh, my God! Are you serious?

- But I

I am down! Yes!

When? Where? Sign me up.

You guys scared me with

that whole Paz thing.

I'm sure we're both fine,

but if you have an extra

[Paz coughing]

Please tell me she's choking to death.

She's not choking.

She doesn't eat solid foods.

Yeah, this trip is a dud.

- [all talking at once]

- That's a wrap on Big Bear.

Paz, I'm going to send

you a recipe for some tea.

[Overlapping]

- Shh!

- Rufus, shush!

Here he comes. Here he comes.

[birds tweeting]

Surprise!

- All: Surprise!

- What?

What is this?

We just felt so awful.

You had planned this

beautiful trip for us,

and we wanted to do

something beautiful for you.

- Oh.

- If we can't go to Big Bear,

then Big Bear comes to us.

This is

this is really nice.

Thank you guys so much.

I'm so sorry I've been

controlling lately.

I guess social planning

is my love language,

and I've been going a

little crazy without it.

Oh, it's okay, Garrett.

Emotions have been all over the place!

We know you love us,

even when you yell at us.

I mean, I love my kids

when I yell at them.

Can I have another marshmallow?

No, you get your own marshmallow!

- Close it!

- [laughs]

Rufus, you okay over there?

Well, just about.

Ah, there we go.

Only you can prevent forest virus.

- [laughs]

- g*ng, I'm not gonna lie,

I was starting to feel really

sad about being so alone.

Reminds me of when I was

starting my transition

and I was just always so afraid

to go outside, and I just

don't want to go back there.

Aw, come on, sis.

You know we got you.

I know.

I had y'all back then

and I have y'all now.

Even if it's just

through a little screen.

Anyway, enough of the sad stuff.

Annie, tell everyone your good news.

You got news? What's your news?

Oh. Okay.

Well, I decided

if I'm going to write about

my characters taking risks

in my book, then I should be

taking some risks of my own.

So I joined a dating app.

- Hey. Wow.

- Hey. Good for you.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Oh, that's great.

I I hear dating online

during the quarantine is crazy,

but hopefully in a good way.

Oh, nice used bike, Ben.

Did you boil it first?

Thank you.

Just in case anyone cares

Although I know you don't

Paz's cough was just allergies.

- Pbbt. Yeah, okay.

- Right.

- That's what she told you.

- [overlapping chatter]

Tell her to follow me on Insta.

Okay, all right, everybody,

raise your little cups.

We may not be like we

were, but we are still us,

and we still have each other,

so screw Big Bear.

We're kick corona's a*s.

Huzzah.

All: Cheers.

We can do this.

Hell, we can do quarantine for

another year, if we have to.

Salud.

Cheers?

Wait, you don't actually mean

like a whole year, do you?

Rufus, you okay?

The oh, there's, uh,

this video on Twitter.

It's everywhere.

Just send it to the group chat.

I don't I don't

think that's a good idea.

What is it, Rufus? Forward it.

[phone chimes]

Oh, my God.

I can't guys, I have to go

G-get off of him!

- Get off of him!

- What are they doing?

Why are they all just standing there?

Why isn't someone doing something?

Dude, get off his neck.

You're gonna k*ll him.

I gotta go. I gotta go.

Uh, are you guys okay?

This lasts for eight

minutes and 46 seconds.

[gasping]

I-I can't I can't keep seeing this.

I can't keep seeing this.

I can't keep seeing this.

- I know, babe.

- I can't keep seeing this.

I can't I can't keep seeing this.

[somber piano music]