01x05 - Sick As A Parrot

[bunniefuu]

'Always On My Mind'
by Pet Shop Boys

Alan. Get up! You're
gonna be late.

Get out of bed now!
I'm out the bed!

No, you're not.

It was BCG jab day.

Whilst TB wasn't exactly
rife in Northampton,

misinformation and
gossip definitely was.

According to the rumours,

the jab was causing deaths,
comas, amputations...

Huh! I'd rather take
me chance with TB.

It was time for some self-care.
I was gonna have the day off.

I don't feel well, I'm
having the day off.

No, you're not.

OK!

And I know you've got rugby
this afternoon, so none of this,

"I can't find my boots" rubbish.

And I hope you cleaned
them like I told you.

I did!

And don't forget
your gum shield.

Yeah, cos I'd hate
to ruin THIS smile.

What the hell's going on?

'I was lucky that didn't
hit me on me head.

'Or maybe it DID
hit me on the head.'

Alan? Oh, my God! Graham?

Oh!

Graham? I think he's dead.

Alan!

I think I'm gonna
need the day off.

Oh. Oh, darling. Bloody hell!

Yes. Oh, yes...

Well, I thought his head
might come clean off.

Mm-hm... Absolutely.

It's such a frightful prospect,
having a child not very well.

One just wants them to get
jolly better, don't they?

Yes.

OK, thank you.

Bye-bye.

Ah, I could not get
her off the blower.

I've left a message with
the receptionist at school,

she's gonna let
Mrs Fletcher know.

Thanks, Mum. Shh!

When the centre back
is under pressure,

they panic, and the out ball
is always the left winger.

Mum, could he...?

Oh, Graham, do that in the
other room, he's trying to rest.

There's nothing the
matter with him!

Mum, can you tell Dad to
stop giving me evils? Graham!

The cast of Hi-de-Hi

are on Pebble Mill at One, Mum!

Ooh, that'll be nice.

And that finishes at two,

then there's a Grace Kelly movie,
Dial M for m*rder, at 2:30.

Maybe... you could pop out and
grab us a packet of Matchmakers,

then we can get
settled in for that?

Hello? Oh, hi, Sheila.

Wendy?

When?

20 minutes? Oh, you
are a lifesaver.

Right, don't let anyone
take that slot. It's mine.

See you in 20.

Good news, Wendy's fallen out of
a window and fractured her spine,

so an appointment's
come up at the salon.

One door closes, and
another one opens.

Or should I say window?

Oh, Graham, show some respect!

I wonder if she
could do me colour?

But, Mum, who's
gonna look after me?

Your dad can. What? What?

What am I supposed
to do with him?

I don't know, Graham, he didn't
come with instructions. Work it out.

Oh, please, Mum, can't you
stay? Please. Please, Chris.

Oh, I won't be gone long.

Now, Graham, he's
got concussion,

it's important he
doesn't fall asleep.

He's planning on watching Pebble
Mill at One, it's a death wish!

You'll have concussion in a
minute, with this stiletto.

Well, maybe then I'll get a
chance to sit on the settee,

stuffing my face
and watching drivel.

Right. f*gs. Lovely.
Right, have a nice day.

Can we have the telly on?

No, you're concussed.
Rest your eyes.

Anything nice for
lunch? I'm starving.

Toast? Bit boring.

When I had diarrhoea,
Mum made a strudel

and we watched The Thorn Birds.

Sounds delightful

Oh, at least do us a
cup of tea, will ya?

Sickies never lived up to
their expectations, did they?

Free from school, you just
assumed you'd be a lad of leisure,

having lots of fun
doing adult things.

Then you came to the conclusion
that life in fact was a bit boring,

and more often than not, you
were just k*lling time...

until you die,

and then get lowered into
the stone-cold ground.

Too much? You're welcome.

Your highness.

Thanks, Dad.

Ugh! What's in this?

I've got a good mind
to make it myself...

If I wasn't seeing double
and crippled by nausea.

Hello? Oh, hi, love.

You're joking!

How long?

Well, have you told 'em you've
got a sick child at home?

Try and hurry up,
yeah, he's er...

He's doing my head in.

I heard that!

It's hardly Russ Abbott's
Mad House with you either.

Why's she not here?

Apparently, Wendy's
turned up for her haircut.

But I thought she fell out the
window and fractured her spine?

No. The dog walker she landed
on fractured HIS spine.

Whoever said, "Hell
is other people"

certainly knew what it was like
to spend a morning with my dad.

I'm gonna go put a bet on.

Before you go, you couldn't be a
love and grab me Agatha Christie?

It's upstairs on
the bedside table.

Get it yourself.

Well, what am I gonna read?

There you go. Racing Post.

That's me! Lucky To Be Alive.

2:40, Newmarket. It's a sign.

Where's your money?

Oh!

20p. It's all I got.

Each way? Whichever way
it's going'll be fine.

That's more like it!

'Tell It To My heart'
By Taylor Dayne

♪ As long as I receive

♪ The message you're sending

♪ Body to body, soul to soul

♪ Always feel you near

♪ So say the words
I long to hear... ♪

♪ Tell it to my heart
Tell me I'm the only one

♪ Is this really
love Or just a game

♪ Tell it to my heart... ♪

Hello?

Oh, hello there, it's Mrs
Fletcher from Easton Lovell.

Is that you, Mrs Carr?

Put the phone down.

Put the phone down.
Put the phone down.

Yeah, this is she.

How is Alan? Oh,
he's at death's door,

white as a sheet.

Drifting in and out
of consciousness

but then again, that
could be Pebble Mill.

Can I be frank, Mrs Carr? It's
not about the BCG jab, is it?

People have died.

What? And gone in comas!

I'd rather my son have TB

than waking up with no arms
and talking in tongues.

Mrs Carr, I don't know where you're
getting your information from,

but that's simply not true.

My husband, Bill, is a doctor...
I thought your husband died?

What? Yeah.

He slipped on a cowpat and went head
first in to the combined harvester.

'Who told you that?'

Darren in 4F.

Mrs Carr, is this you?

I'm so sorry, I've
got to go, bye-bye.

'Well, that was fun.'

'So fun, in fact...'

Oh, hello, vicar.
It's Christine Carr.

Now, I wasn't one of those g*y kids
that went into their mum's closet

and tried on their
heels and pearls,

but I couldn't resist the
chance to play my mum.

It was the closest I'd come to
being a female impersonator,

and I was sort of enjoying it.

Oh, hello, Ange, it's Chris. I
wanted to have a chat with yer...

OK, I was loving it.

Oh, I know.

Oh, sorry, Ange, I've got..

I've gotta go, I need a
waz. Bye-bye, darlin'.

Oh, my God!

Feeling any better?

I got you a drink, some
oranges and some sweets.

Thanks, Dad. It really
is the least you can do.

Oh, and I put your bet on.

Lucky To Be Alive.

What are you gonna do
with your winnings?

I'll probably pay for a nurse
to give me proper care 24/7.

Oh, I've left me
paper in the car.

Ooh!

Someone's feeling better.

Uh...

Get that rugby kit now!
You're going to school.

You must think I
was born yesterday,

having me slaving
over you all morning.

A sl*ve?! Ha! A cold cup
of tea and an orange.

Puh-lease! I've never
had such bad service!

Come here, now.

Wait till I tell your mother!

Liars are worse than thieves!

Hello?

Graham? Oh, hi, Ron.

You still up for
meeting the sponsors?

Oh... Argh, sorry, Ron,
wh-when is it again?

Now. It's in my
Filofax, bold as brass!

'Graham?' Agh,
hang on a second.

Yeah, erm...

..Alan's been taken ill.

Is he all right?

No, no, he's not. He's,
er, he's quite poorly.

What's the matter?
It's a concussion.

Er...

..a trophy... fell on his head.

No chance of that
happening here!

Oh, sorry, Graham, I
shouldn't really be laughing.

Terrible thing, concussion.

My Jaqueline had it last
year after the barbecue.

After the barbecue? 'Yeah.'

She slipped on a chicken wing.

I've never seen her
legs open so wide...

OK... Ron, er, great, er... 'You
should come to next barbecue.'

Yeah, thanks. I'm... I'm...
I'm sorry I can't be there.

You know, he's not well,
and he needs me here.

Yeah... He... He needs his dad.

'Cheers, mate.'

Yeah. Graham? Graham?!

That was a private phone call.

I-I've not done anything wrong,

I just simply explained to Ron
that I was needed elsewhere.

"Liars are worse
than thieves," eh?

I didn't lie, I just
stated what I'd been told.

Alan's been taken ill.
He's quite poorly.

It's a concussion. A
trophy... fell on his head.

Give me that! You little...

Hello.

Oh, hi, Chris.

Oh, no, no, no,
you-you take your time.

We're just, er...
watching telly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm really enjoying
Pebble Mill at... 12.

I. One! One.

How's he feeling?

He's, er, he's...
he's a bit hot.

But he'll be fine after
he has his lollipop.

After two lollipops.

No, it-it's fine, er,
you take your time.

And, er, we'll see you
when we see you. OK.

So what are we gonna do now?

Well, I don't know about you, but
I'm going to watch the racing.

Dad! Give me that! Pebble
Mill's about to start.

Alan, give me it now,
or I'll tell your mum.

Tell her what? Well, I'll
tell her that you lied.

You did, too! No, I didn't!

Yes, you did. You lied to Ron!

Only because you lied first!

If you hadn't lied, then
I wouldn't have had to!

Well, why don't we make a deal?

I watch 15 minutes
of something I like,

and you watch 15 minutes
of something you like.

'People often say to me, "Alan,
why are you so deluded?" '

And I always reply with
one word - Dynasty.

I loved it.

I loved the escapism of it all. Who
wants to live in the real world?

That's why I never understand people
who bother with British soaps.

Who wants to see
someone in a caff,

or washing their smalls
in a launderette,

when you can see rich people
in fur coats at a casino,

or billionaires
scowling on a yacht?

And that's Dex, he's married
Alexis, but she's too much for him,

cos she's a hard-talking
ball breaker.

She chews men up and spits 'em
out. I sympathise with Dex.

That's Blake.

He's been under a lot of pressure
recently, what with the takeover.

Oh, I see.

And Denver Carrington's having
second thoughts because of the...

Cos his wife's in a coma. See,
I told you you'd be addicted.

Ahhh. Maybe we should
watch something else?

What about a board
game? Come on!

Staring at that screen all
day's not gonna help your head.

Well, I mean, there's
Cluedo, or Game of Life...

Not Mr and Mrs, though,
that'd just be weird.

What about that one I
got you for Christmas?

What one?

Best. Game. Ever!

Worst Christmas ever.

Come on.

A Question Of Sport and
a pair of shin pads.

I was praying Father Christmas
would get the wrong house.

Who broke the women's world
record in 5,000 metres in 1984?

Zola Budd. Yes!

Do you remember her? She
used to run in bare feet.

Yeah, big deal. Mum does
that to get to SuperCigs

for f*gs before the shop shuts.

Right, come on, Mr Grumpy Pants.
Let's get you off the starting line.

- Oh, football...
- Yay

Who scored the winning goal in
the FA Cup replay against...

Agh, you'll never get this.

You know, I played
against him, actually.

At The County Ground.
1964, I think it was.

Anyway, you wouldn't know him.

Like I say, it was Eddy Royce.

Right, let's try swimming.

Hang on, did you
just say Eddy Royce?

I know him! What?

I do! He does an advert for
weedkiller on the telly.

♪ Gets rid of weeds,
guaranteeds. ♪

He's famous! You never
played against him!

I did. I don't believe you.

You don't believe me?

I'll show you.

m*rder She Wrote,
Colbys, Falcon Crest...

Bloody hell, your mother
watches some rubbish.

Ah, right, here we go!

Who's that? That's me! No way!

You're skinny!

Watch this...

Ooh! Oh!

You're getting told off.

He's shouting at you.
What you saying to him?

Well I... I'm just
standing my ground.

Anyway... No, no, leave it.

'It was weird seeing
me dad as a young man,

'running round the
pitch, full of beans,

'bantering with
his teammates...'

I've never seen you like
this. Happy and joking.

You try being a
football manager.

Can I put something on?

Go on, then, but none of that
rubbish you had me watching earlier.

Oh, wait a minute, I
know what we can watch.

What?

No! No! Oh... turn it off, Dad.

Oh, isn't he cute?! Dad!

Here we go, I made your
Mam film from an angle

so it looked like you
came first every time.

I've missed too many of these.

Hey, come here...

Why didn't you go
to school today?

Those lads still
giving you a hard time?

No!

Well, yeah, but no
more than usual.

What about?

Me going to drama club...
But I don't wanna stop going,

and you know, the way I look...

And when the Cobblers
lose, they say things.

If I'm honest, it was the BCG.
What's a BCG when it's at home?

It's an injection.

When you have it,
your arm goes limp...

And you either wake up
in a coma... or dead!

What? Where've you
heard this rubbish?

Alan, half of the time,
it's in your head.

Next time, talk to
me. Right? Don't lie.

OK?

Right, now, what are we
gonna do about these bullies?

Ah, maybe I should go down
and have a... have a word...

Lucky To Be Alive
is gonna take this.

No! Ooh! Uh?

Go on! Go on! Go on!

Come on! Come on!

Yeah! Oh, my God, we did it!

Yes! Come on!

We won! Yes!

I won a fiver. I
won a fiver. Get in!

I'm rich. I'm rich. Oh,
someone's feeling better!

He's just had his first
winner, Christine.

Oh, I better stop jumping, I can
feel that orangeade coming back up.

'Ere, I think that
vicar's got dementia.

Cornered me in the car park,

started going on about
me doing a fun run.

Well, he must have mistook
you for someone else.

You had your hair
done, remember?

No, this was before
I had me hair done.

He swears we chatted
on the phone.

Very strange.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Mrs Fletcher.

Oh, no, I never,
I've been out...

But I think he SHOULD have it...

Coma?

Speaking in... tongues...?

Wait a minute.

You've been pretending
to be me, haven't you?

Mrs Fletcher, could you
kindly give me five minutes?

Bye-bye.

You are having that BCG jab
tomorrow whether you like it or not.

Well, last time I checked, schools
weren't open on a Saturday.

What you talking about, you
wally? Tomorrow's Friday. What?

And forget about doing anything
Saturday, you're grounded.

Pretending to be me, I must
look like a right idiot.

Mum, I swear, it was only once.

It was just to get
out of having the jab.

Please believe me.

God knows what Mrs
Fletcher thinks of me.

It's humiliating, Alan!

Sorry about your diarrhoea,
Chris, it's the worst.

Here's that strudel
you asked for.

♪ I started a joke

♪ Which started The
whole world crying

♪ But I didn't see

♪ That the joke was
on me Oh, no... ♪