02x01 - Baby Face

[bunniefuu]

MUSIC: 'Somewhere in My

Heart' by Aztec Camera

ALAN: Northampton, 1987.

It was all kicking off!

The Cobblers were

top of Division Four,

and my dad was enjoying

the sweet smell of success.

My life however, stank.

All right, you speccy Ow!

Loser!

Yes!

Graham, quick one for

the Chron? Of course.

That's it. Yeah! GRAHAM GROWLS

All right, mate?

Come on!

Argh!

Weirdo.

Oh, come on!

Great result today, Graham.

Now, we know you're always

keen to get away from the mic

and back onto the

pitch LAUGHTER

but that's five wins now.

There's a real buzz

around the team.

That must be contagious?

Yeah, it's an exciting time.

What's it like having the hopes

of the town on your shoulders?

Well, it's hard

it's hard not to

get carried away.

We are buzzing. Buzzing.

Buzzing.

And your family's

obviously a huge support.

Well, you've got two sons.

And the eldest is

at Easton Lovell?

Yeah, that's right.

Is he showing a flair

for the game? Well

Y-Y-Yeah, er

He's into all sorts.

He's He's busy.

Busy Busy Busy lad.

Oh, Big Daddy, don't!

He'll have a tooth out!

He's angry.

Oh, I love it when they boing off

the side of the ring like that.

It's like a pinball machine.

With our own daddy

working all the time,

our mum found us a new one

BIG Daddy.

Every Saturday, we'd watch him,

sweating cobs in his unitard,

Mum, me and Gary

with a Findus crispy

pancake on our laps

Get in! Oh, it was bliss.

God, he's the size of my fridge.

Oh, the unitard's

very unforgiving.

I wish he wouldn't bend over

when I'm eating my pancake.

I read he eats nine

eggs every morning.

Not surprised, with

legs like that.

You don't get women sitting on

each other's faces like this.

It's always men.

It's all the testosterone, Mum,

coursing through our veins.

We just can't help ourselves.

DOORBELL Who's that?!

You seen? What's that?

Paper's obsessed with you

two. Page three this time.

Don't think anyone's

getting hot under the collar

looking at that, are

they? Oh, my God!

Wife of a football manager

looking like a breadstick.

Looks nothing

like me. It does.

It's horrific!

It's the dress, Christine.

Does nothing for you.

That's Etam! Graham

bought me that.

And? Nigel bought me leggings

with the crotch cut out.

You don't see me wearing those.

Do you want my honest

opinion? No, not really.

Stop wearing beige.

It's very draining.

I can pull it off - I'm

a 16th Mediterranean.

Course you are.

But you, you've got

very Celtic skin.

I look at you, I

think "bagpipes".

Kendo Nagasaki's got The

Menace in a chokehold!

Have his lips turned blue?

Not yet, no.

TUTS Oh.

Alan in again, is

he? Such a shame.

Watching the wrestling.

I can't keep Charlie

in at the moment,

running round town all weekend.

His social calendar's

busier than mine.

Is it? Course not,

Christine, don't be stupid.

I best be off, Ange. My

crispy pancake's getting cold.

Well, you can keep

this if you

I'll just pop it through.

Good for Alan to see what's

happening in the outside world.

Ta-ra!

I love this.

We get a real rhythm

going, don't we?

We do, love, yeah.

You know if you wanted

to go out at the weekend,

I can always drop you into town.

No.

Gary needs me here. He can't

play KerPlunk on his own.

Of course he can. He loves

pulling the straws out.

You go and have some fun. Why

don't you go bowling or something?

Ooh, no, I'm not

wearing a communal shoe.

Well, something else, then.

You don't wanna be hanging out

with your mum every weekend.

I did.

Spread your wings a bit.

You are nearly 12, Alan.

BELL RINGS

See that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I've got

astigmatism. Move it back.

Oh!

It's a cinema ticket. 15.

Went Saturday. The Lost Boys.

What were you doing Saturday?

I was watching World Of

Wrestling, if you must know.

You are never into wrestling.

I'm into many things, Leslie. You

could call me a renaissance man.

I'd rather call you a bellend.

You probably fished that

ticket out the bins.

I'll fish YOU out the bins.

That doesn't even make sense.

We're going again

Saturday, see Platoon.

It's a 15. I'd rather

watch the telly at home.

What, sitting on

your mum's lap? No.

I'm not sitting on her pancake!

It's crispy.

You wouldn't even get in, anyways.

I would! He wouldn't want to.

Can you tell your Victorian

ghost I'm not talking to her?

I would get in! I've bought some

party poppers from Woolies once,

and they didn't bat an eye.

It's like stealing

candy from a baby.

All right, then. Three

o'clock, Saturday, the Rialto.

All right. I'll see you there.

Yeah, see you there.

See you there.

See you there. Mm!

He'll never get in.

WHISPERS: What's Platoon?

A w*r film, about Vietnam.

Oh, good. Not good.

It's culturally insensitive

and factually incorrect.

How can you tell?

You haven't seen it!

I can tell by the

font on the poster.

Oh. Alan

you don't need to do this

just because they are.

Yes, I do.

I've gotta spread my wings, Kay.

I'm nearly 12, for God's sake.

So, we could do something.

There's a history day

on at the library.

We can't keep dressing

up like Tudors, Kay.

My codpiece can't take

another spin cycle.

We don't have to go in costume.

There's gotta be more

to life than this.

Well sorry I'm

holding you back.

I

Spiritually speaking,

I was pushing 75,

but they were right - the

baby face was fooling no-one.

I mean, turn me inside out,

I could have booked a Saga cruise,

never mind Platoon tickets,

but if I was gonna prove

those weasels wrong,

I was gonna need some help.

'Confidante, drama teacher,

deluded narcissist.'

Miss Gideon!

Mon cheri?

We've got an emergency.

Have we?

How exciting!

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Yeah Yeah.

Brah!

I'm 15, I'm 15, you know.

Hunch. Hunch and mumble.

Lead with the groin,

probably a bit of

aggression, you know.

Forty minutes, I was in there,

watching her walk around the

room like a robot with piles.

Ticket to your film,

whatever it is.

'But she was all I had, and

she was very convincing.'

You've got businesses,

you've got wives,

that sort of thing.

You know, just trust

the process, Alan.

I've played many men before.

Many men, Many men

Many men-men-men. ♪

Got it, dude?

Yes, dude. Yes, dude.

BELL RINGS

Hunch and mumble

Hunch and mumble

c*ck ACCENT: All right,

darlin'. How you doin'?

Ha! look at you, sitting

back to front on the chair.

Very Helen Keller. What?

No, I mean Christine Keeler. I

always get them two mixed up.

I'm being 15.

Yeah, well can you

be 15 somewhere else?

Cos I've got to stack.

We're going to the

cinema on Saturday,

to see Platoon with the boys.

Platoon? The

Vietnam one? Yeah.

Rubbish. I didn't laugh once.

Aw, with your best mate?

Ignore them.

Alan's going the cinema Saturday.

Yeah, and that's if he gets in.

Oh, yeah, what you

seeing again, Alan?

Three Men And A "g*y-by"?

Right, don't make me

take my hairnet off.

SNICKERING

This is a nightmare,

Val! I don't look 15.

I've gotta get in.

What am I gonna do?

Right You're gonna

talk to Donna Ridgeway.

Donna?

Fifth Form Donna? Yes.

MUSIC: 'White Rabbit'

by Jefferson Airplane

ALAN WHIMPERS

She does fake IDs, £2.

All right.

No, don't bother her now.

She's eating her jacket,

cheese and beans,

but she will sort you out.

She'd sort me out, all right.

She'd been suspended for licking

a Bunsen Burner. While it was on!

DOORBELL RINGS

I bring gifts.

It's a scarf. And?

It'll stop you looking like a

skinless sausage. Well, try it on.

Oh No. Not for me, Ange.

Come on. Try it on.

No, you're all right,

I've got my own scarves.

Come on, try it on, pop

of colour round the face.

Try it on. Ange!

If you were photogenic

I don't wanna try it on!

Chris, try it on! No! Ange!

Ange, get off me. Put

it round your neck!

GROANING

You're off your head, you are!

Stop being so difficult!

Have a bit of dignity, Chris.

I was only trying to help.

Unbelievable.

That'll bruise.

ALAN: 'With my cinema

trip days away,

'I decided to give

nature a helping hand.'

GRUNTING FROM BATHROOM

Hunch and mumble

WHISPERS: Graham,

Graham, Graham.

He's been in there

ages. GRUNTING

COUGHING

DEEPENS VOICE: One ticket

for Platoon, please.

Who's he got in there?!

Oh, for God's sake, Graham.

You all right, darling?

Can you come in?

Course I can.

No - Dad.

My tache is weighing me down,

Dad, I've gotta shave it off.

There's nothing there,

son. It's just fuzz.

Look, I don't want an 'andlebar,

just your classic horseshoe

with a Farrah Fawcett flick.

Come on. Wash that foam off.

Please, Dad. You've

gotta show me.

All right. Give us that.

Downward strokes, not

against the grain,

so you don't get a rash.

You have a go.

That's it.

There you go. It's easy. See?

I heard when you shave,

it encourages the hair,

comes back twice as thick.

Yeah, but you've gotta have

something there to begin with.

Who told you that?! Val.

She was talking about

her bikini line.

She's off to Lanzarote.

She said, sod the razor,

she needs a machete.

HE GROANS

'There she was -

Fifth Form Donna.

'She had swagger. She had style.

'She had a fringe you

could lay an egg in.

'She also had a laminator

'and a reckless

disregard for the law.

'She was my only hope!'

Have you got a problem?

Oh, Donna. How

long have you got?

Sorry. It's about, you know

WHISPERS: ID.

Sit down.

How old we talking? Fifteen.

Nah, let's make it 16, give

me a buffer. Walk with me.

It's £2.50. I'll need

a passport photo.

Val said it was two pou

Val wants to watch her mouth.

I'll take her bus pass back.

Oh, not for me Donna.

I'm trying to quit.

No, hold it.

Full name, date

of birth, on that.

Anyone asks where you got

it, you made it yourself.

You don't tell no-one.

I will take it to the grave.

DOOR LOCKS

Shall I just? I'll

URINE TRICKLES

I think I'll

URINE TRICKLES

Shall I put my

real date of birth?

I mean the day and

the month, I mean?

Cos I was gonna be a Scorpio.

Natural-born leader with

a flair for the arts.

I'm only changing

the year, you melon.

TOILET FLUSHES

Well, go on. Why you standing

there? Little pervert!

Hm!

Alan

ALAN CARR!

You know that's

ill*gal? Oh, shush.

I was only in there

for two minutes.

The ID.

It's forgery. It's

a criminal offence.

Oh, put your handcuffs

away, Juliet Bravo.

Platoon's a 15 for a reason.

There could be scenes

of a sexual nature,

or mild to moderate violence.

I think I can handle it, Kay,

I've seen Bergerac before.

Did she offer you drugs?

Well, a bit of Bonjela,

but I turned it down.

Alan, this is out of control!

Kay this is life!

MUSIC: 'Sometimes' by Erasure

RADIO: 'It's Saturday

afternoon in Northampton,

'and we're bringing you the

latest and greatest in pop.'

DEEPENS VOICE: One ticket

for Platoon please.

Alan? RADIO OFF

Alan? We're ready. Let's go!

Oh. Oh, you off out?

No, I always open the door

in case you're there (!)

I saw that picture

of you in the paper.

Personally, I think

you looked cracking.

Ange told me to drop these

in. Zhuzh you up a bit.

She likes to help.

She tried to throttle me.

Really? For how long?

I've got to go to the pictures.

Alan?

Er, well, they're

mostly dresses, I think.

Dual tones. Although she did

say they might be too tight.

Well, she's straight

up and down, isn't she?

Er I'll be honest -

I have to talc her up to

get her into some of these.

Bye, Nige. No, no, no.

It's a bit of a process.

I have to bend her

over the ironing board.

MUSIC: 'We Close

Our Eyes' by Go West

You nervous?

No, no, no.

Just chomping at the

bit to get in there.

Barry Norman called Platoon

"a classic of the genre".

Mr Sheen might get an Oscar nod.

PHONE RINGS

CLEARS THROA

DEEPENS VOICE: Hello?

I don't know who this is,

or how the bloody hell you

got hold of my phone, but

Yeah, this isn't a good time for

me. I'll call you back later.

Alan? All right, will do.

Alan, what in God's

name are you playing at?

Love to Christine

and the kids. LAUGHS

Ta-ra.

Oh, you little

PHONE BEEPS Sorry about

DEEPENS VOICE: Sorry about

that. Business never sleeps.

One ticket for Platoon, please.

You 15?

Yeah, and don't

I know it! LAUGHS

You feel it in the

knees, don't you?

£2.10.

Huh?

What?

I'll see you in there, boys.

Who are you? I'm the manager.

You got any ID?

1971. What a year! HE GIGGLES

Ted Heath, partial

solar eclipse

Take a look.

Three Ls in "Alan"?

Yeah. And there's two Rs

in Carr. What's your point?

This is fake.

You're not going in.

LAUGHTER

But I've bought a ticket! The

other man was gonna let me in.

Please, I've got to see it.

My grandad fought in Vietnam.

Your grandad's American?

No. No, he's from Newcastle,

but they choppered him out.

I can't let you in.

LAUGHTER

This is OUTRAGEOUS!

WHISPERS: Please,

please. I need this.

Can you step out of the queue?

I'll crawl out from under

the seats at the end.

You won't even know I was there.

Next. LAUGHTER

MUSIC: 'Adagio for

Strings' by Samuel Barber

What a loser.

LAUGHTER

'The rejection crushed me.

'The jeers, the looks,

the snide remarks.'

What a loser.

'Everything I hated

at school was there,

'in the foyer of my

favourite cinema.'

HELICOPTER ROTORS OVER MUSIC

I feel like I've been to

w*r, in a way, Maureen.

Oh, I bet you do, darling.

I was first on the front line.

I didn't stand a chance.

I'm done with this one,

Ruby, if you wanna swap?

No rush, though, darling, is there?

You don't wanna grow up too fast.

I do.

I'm gonna blossom in my

teens. I can feel it.

Right, come on, we're going back.

I'm having a word with the manager.

No. Mum, it's all right.

They let everyone else in.

Why are they picking you out?

You're all the same age!

I'm over it.

Well, you shouldn't be,

darling. It's a bloody cheek!

Mum, can we leave it?

But you wanted to see it, Alan.

I think I just wanted the

others to see me seeing it.

If you know what I mean.

I do, darling.

Come on.

Sometimes, you've got to

pick your battles, right?

While my Mum was ready

to body-slam the usher

and take a hammer to

the popcorn machine,

I knew there was only one

thing worth fighting for now.

So, that's an 'eadlock.

Remember to tap out.

You're quite strong, Alan. Oh,

it does something to me, this.

I honestly think I could lift a

car off someone if I needed to.

Right. Come on, you two.

Come on, let's get stuck in.

It's good, innit?

It is, Christine. It's primal.

He's demobilised the spine,

as an apex predator might.

He's sitting on his

neck, love, yeah.

WHISPERS: She's very clever.

Ooh, see?

This is better than

Platoon, innit? Oh, yeah!

Big Daddy'd give those Viet

Cong a run for their money.

Back in a sec, ladies.

He's so glad you're here, Kay.

Talks about you all the time.

Does he?

Oh, yeah.

You're lovely together, you two.

I like your jumper. The

colour really suits you.

I think you look

effervescent. Thank you, Kay.

MUSIC: 'The Sun Always

Shines On TV' by A-ha.

HE GASPS

Mum! The shaving, it worked!

I've got a moustache, look!

Well done, Alan.

I can't wait to tell Dad!

What time's he get home?

Erm Oh, Big Daddy's up next.

Right, come on, sit

down, eat your dinner.

Move over Big Daddy.

Make room for Little Daddy!

Oh!