01x04 - Small Dong Shame

[bunniefuu]

And let me begin with Chad Kroeger,

followed by JT Parr.

What up, council?

My name is Chad Kroeger.

I come to you today with a story.

A lesson to the wise.

We thought we could get back

into Zedd's good books

by sending all the shmoles

to Catalina Island,

so we did.

And we realized in doing so

that we made a massive, massive error.

You see, when you boke a shmole

from the squad,

the rest of the squad

naturally becomes more shmoley

to balance things out.

Something called equilibrium.

[Chad] We had to return to Shmole Island

one last time

to retrieve Kevin

and bring balance to the force.

[JT] But by the time we arrived,

our metamorphosis into shmoleness

was complete.

We'd been away from Kevin for too long,

and we couldn't shake the shmoleyness

that took over our souls.

[woman] I only have three bags.

Could you guys get out of the way?

- Thanks.

- [JT] Off to a strong start.

Let's find that p*ssy, Kevin.

Yeah, let's get him back, dude. [groaning]

Nice load.

[Chad] Because of our activism,

Catalina Island was full of shmoles

enjoying our shmole discounts.

It was too late for them,

but we could still save ourselves

and bring Kevin home.

[JT] Due to his relentless

Instagram posts,

we knew he'd probably be humping

the statue of Old Ben, a sweet seal.

Sure enough, there he was.

- [Chad] Kev!

- [JT] Kevin.

- [Kevin] Chad and JT. What up, pussies?

- Dude! My dog.

- You look badass. What happened?

- Thank you.

[Kevin] Meet Old Ben.

This is how you get initiated.

- You wanna become locals?

- Yeah.

Get sucked off by Old Ben.

- [Chad] Should we Eiffel-Tower him?

- [Kevin] Oh, yeah.

Holy sh*t. You guys are f*cking locals.

[JT groaning]

The urge to hump Old Ben was too strong.

- [groaning]

- Oh my God! That's f*cking great.

[JT] Oh, taste it, Old Ben.

- [JT] One particular local joined in.

- Get a piece of it.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- Oh, sh*t!

[laughing, groaning]

- Oh, dude!

- Stay there, dude.

- You wanna go do more local sh*t?

- Yeah. [groans]

Get in my golf cart. I'll let you drive.

[Chad] And after that, we felt like locals

and nothing could stop

our desire to be shmoles.

[groaning]

[Kevin] These golf carts are pretty weak.

I can run faster than them.

- [Chad] No way.

- No, I can.

- Go, Kev!

- Catch him.

- Get him.

- Kev, you're cheating, dude.

JT did a mangina tourist photo shot.

[upbeat music playing]

[shutter clicking]

[Chad] We wrestled on the beach.

Good, good, good, good.

Spin around. Spin around. Yeah.

[Chad and JT laughing]

[groaning]

[Kevin] Dude, what happened to you?

You guys are badass now.

- Thank you.

- Thanks, man.

We hit the promenade

to chat up some milfs.

You know where the chicks are at?

All right.

Was thinking maybe I could

grab your digies.

- I'm a local. I could show you around.

- [woman] I could be your grandma.

- [Chad] What's that?

- [woman] I could be your grandma.

That's what's up.

Bro! [laughs]

Bring it, dude.

You are stunning.

That's my daughter, as*h*le.

I don't wanna offend,

but I'd love to take you out

for lobster dinner tonight.

- You better respect my daughter.

- Is she allergic to shellfish?

She's allergic to you.

Now go on about your business.

Alpha, baby! T-bag the next interaction.

- Are you guys married?

- Yeah.

All right. Epic.

- You guys want to get down?

- With what?

Meet at Luau Larry's,

get the hats together.

Figure the rest out later.

You're doing great, Kev. Stay up, dude.

- What's up, man?

- [man] Hey.

- Hey, you're pretty hot. You wanna party?

- [man] I'm good.

But as the day drew to an end,

Chad and I started to notice something.

[JT] We felt less shmoley.

[Chad] Kevin's presence began

to neutralize the poison,

and we knew we had to leave

before we stayed on Catalina forever.

[JT]

So, like Ulysses on the island at Calypso,

we tied Kevin to the mast

of the Catalina Flyer

and escaped the shmole sirens

back home to LA.

And here we are.

Back to our normal, chill selves.

What up?

Council, we ask you to revoke

the shmole discounts you put in place.

They're too dangerous.

The world needs shmoles.

The world needs Kevin.

We have only two weeks

to get uncanceled and re-invited

to Zedd's end-of-summer rager.

Time is running out.

If you dudes have any thoughts

on what we could do, we'd be all ears.

Do you have any ideas?

[member] We can't go into a dialogue,

and I think your three minutes is up,

but you've given us a lot to think about.

Thank you, Chad.

Okay, later.

[upbeat music playing]

I was so stoked when Chad and J

got back to being their usual selves.

The thing is,

when they were being shmoles,

they neglected their activism,

and awareness wasn't getting raised.

Streaking!

- We're streaking!

- Yeah!

[Strider] Chad and JT love streaking

because of how freeing it is for the soul.

[woman] Are you trying

to give us a heart attack?

[Strider] People need that stoke

from streaking. Especially at the DMV.

The lines outside are long,

and people are just

They're unchill.

Ladies and gentlemen

of the Department of Motor Vehicles line.

What up?

Prepare to have your stoke raised!

We're streaking!

Ooh! Step up! Let's hear it!

Raise the stoke!

Stay stoked!

I know the line is long,

but we are strong.

We got this!

Let's get them fired up. Let me hear you!

Let them hear it! Let them hear it!

Who's hyped on non-operational vehicles?

Let me hear it!

[cheers]

That tall guy has such a small p*nis.

[Strider] All right, people. on voyage.

- That's like real cardio.

- [JT] For sure. That's a good workout.

The tall guy there walked in

and, you know, with the

small p*nis. I

I don't know. I would feel ashamed

to walk in there naked with my

two-inch part.

[Strider] I won't lie,

what those people

said about my dong cut pretty deep.

- Have a good day, ma'am.

- Hey, ma'am.

Hell, yeah.

[cheers]

[cheering]

[woman] That tall guy

has such a small p*nis.

[echoing] Small p*nis.

[Chad] Yeah, streaking!

[cheering]

Yeah!

- Strider, come on, man!

- Let's go!

Go ahead without me, dude. I'm I'm chill.

What? We got like six more blocks, baby.

Honestly, um

someone back at the DMV,

they said I had a really small dong.

I'm feeling embarrassed about it.

Yeah, dude. We all have small dongs.

They made me feel super unchill about it.

And honestly, I'm

I'm just not fired up right now.

[wheels screeching]

That was pretty sick.

- That was sick.

- But I'm still not stoked.

That guy's got a small dong.

He's still living his life.

- Yeah.

- But, dude, he's rich.

I think he feels ashamed

about his small dong.

Yeah, I think we gotta

do something about this.

I think we gotta fix it.

- Let's go.

- Yeah.

Strider, we got you, dude.

Legends. I love you. Have fun, dude.

That was when

the small dong movement was born.

But before they went deep into the cause,

there was something they had to do.

- [man 1] Hey, how are you?

- [man 2] Hi.

- Bob Kroeger.

- Tom Parr. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Tom. It's a pleasure.

- Where are the boys?

- I think they're coming along.

I just got a text from J

saying they'll be here shortly.

You live in LA, right?

- Sacramento.

- Oh, Sacramento.

Yeah.

- Hey.

- [Tom] Hey, guys, what's up?

- [Bob] Hey, Chad.

- What's up, Dad?

- [Bob] How are you?

- [Chad] I'm good.

- [Bob] Thanks for inviting us.

- Oh, of course.

Dr. Kroeger, it's an honor.

Good to meet you.

You have a good tan going.

- You guys look good.

- [JT] Thank you. Yeah.

Your tan is popping, Dad.

What've you been up to?

- Traveling.

- [JT] That's nice. Where have you been?

- I got back from Nashville last night.

- [JT] Oh, nice. How was Nashville?

It's a zoo there.

I'm so grateful for you coming down,

but we got some news for you.

[Tom] Mm-hm.

So, uh, we got a new cause

that we're super passionate about.

And it involves an announcement

that we have to make to the world

that we would love

to make to you guys first.

We have small dongs.

Come again?

We have small penises,

and we wanna tell everybody,

because we think it's important.

But when we say that to the world,

the world is also then gonna think

that you guys also have small penises.

I I get the connection.

- We're all gonna be targets.

- What's driving this?

Our friend was shamed.

Uh, we were streaking,

and our buddy Strider, you know him

Someone picked on him

for having a small p*nis, and it hurt him.

I was like,

"You know what? Enough is enough."

Dad, I know you haven't

seen me naked since I was a child, but

nothing has changed.

I mean, you were so shy and

modest as a child.

Now you're gonna make this announcement?

And you always told me that

when you find yourself, you'll know.

And I think that moment has come.

We're passionate about dongs.

Dad, did you know I had a small p*nis?

Well, you did. You used to always

come into my bedroom and wanna talk,

and you'd have your hand

in your pants talking to me.

And I'd have to tell you,

"Take your hand out of your pants

while you're talking to me."

You did that all the time,

so did your brother.

For sure.

But I think that this is

This takes a lot of personal courage,

to step out into this arena.

Yeah, if I'm the father

of the small p*nis,

and I get some reverse shame for that,

that's okay.

I think I can handle that.

- Thank you.

- Hell, yeah.

And, Mr. Parr,

I would like your permission

to speak about JT's p*nis.

I'll be soft and tender.

What do you mean?

I mean exactly what I said, Sir.

You say you want my permission?

You got my permission.

- You work together.

- [Chad] That's an affirmative?

Yeah. It's a go.

[JT] Thanks, Dad. He's a really good guy.

I think it'll empower a lot of people.

- I'll be very supportive.

- Thank you, Dad.

I'll be supportive, too.

- I always support you.

- [JT] Thanks, Dad.

I heard Genghis Khan had a small piece.

[laughing]

I love you, JT.

[chuckles]

I love you, too, Dad.

How are you gonna announce this?

- It's gonna be low-key.

- Super low-key.

Yeah. Tasteful.

[anchor] My boys Chad Kroeger and JT Parr,

also known as The Party Bros, are with us.

But, Jesse, there's an announcement

that JT and I wanna make to the world.

- Oh, okay.

- We we have small dongs.

Yeah. There's an epidemic

of dudes out there

who feel bad about their wieners,

and, dudes, you don't have to.

I have a small dong, and it's dank.

I stand with you.

You can't come on live shows

and talk about your dongs. You can't.

- It's serious. We're sorry but

- You can't.

Unbelievable.

[Howard Stern] You try to bring up

a tough subject for a lot of men.

I welcome your movement

so that guys aren't so ashamed

of their small dongs.

I think if we go out there,

and we're proud to have little hogs,

it'll get more people streaking,

and as you know, streaking boosts stoke.

Who is smaller between Chad and JT?

If you don't mind me asking.

Dude, we fight over this nonstop.

Yeah, I don't know.

I think I'm smaller, for sure.

I think I'm smaller.

[Strider] The word was out, and I was

super touched that my bros have my back,

but even though their activism

was with straight-up ripping it,

Zedd wasn't noticing,

so they decided to step on the gas.

- [JT] What's up, ladies?

- [Chad] Hey.

- [JT] How are you?

- [Chad] Ciao.

Hi.

Do you wanna come to our art show?

Maybe.

It's a celebration of small dongs.

- Um

- [chuckles]

It's gonna have some cool artists.

Strider Wilson, Kevin Fard,

Mónica Restrepo, who's a Colombian artist,

but she's super passionate about p*nis.

[JT's mom] Okay, guys.

We're gonna have a good day painting.

What's this gray?

It's gonna be good.

- Your mom makes pop art of small penises?

- [JT] Yeah.

Fascinating.

Ms. Parr, could you look at my c*ck?

You know what? No respect.

Dude, stop trying to bang JT's mom.

[Chad] How do small dongs make you feel?

[JT] We're doing an art show

for dudes with little dicks.

You wanna cruise?

You know what's cool about it too?

It looks like it's a lot of sperm.

Yeah, it's just, uh,

a tribute to the p*nis.

It's gonna be really Yeah. Yeah.

- [woman] Congratulations.

- [both] Thank you.

[grunting]

- [JT's mom] Not again.

- Dude.

Okay, great. Thanks.

Good guy.

See you there.

Good guy.

[Strider] The fact that Mónica and Kevin

don't have small dongs

and still made art with me,

it's freaking dank, dude.

All right, see you at the show.

- Dude, nice!

- She was super chill. Super chill.

Art!

[Strider] And when the night came,

the turnout was pretty sick.

[soft music playing]

I think if you ask the world of people

who wanna be had sex with by a d*ck,

they'd probably wish it was too small

as opposed to too big.

That's interesting.

So this is to support

that group of men that feel insecure

because they're all beautiful.

- [man 1] Right.

- So, why not?

Uh, as you can see,

one of them is uncircumcised.

- Pretty cool, right?

- [woman 1] Yeah.

Would you pay for that?

[man 2] So, for "Mr. Peanut,"

did you just look at a peanut jar?

[JT's mom] Because my parents

used to put that in my lunch box

when I went to school.

Mr. Peanut.

I think the small dong movement

is gonna take a big step forward today.

They love my art, too, especially.

These are, for sure, my least favorite.

I have no opinion.

I just don't I don't like it.

- [man 3] Have you seen Fleabag?

- [man 4] No.

Overall, I give this wall

just sort of a solid two out of ten.

I don't want any of it.

I don't want any of it.

This is my favorite piece.

[Chad] Sort of, "Where is the dong?"

[woman 2] I like the pristine purity,

especially after being so offended

by everything else that I saw.

- Wow.

- Whoa.

So, is this one a d*ck?

They're all different dicks.

If you're lonely at night,

you can take one to bed and sleep with it.

Like taking a teddy bear.

[woman 3] I could go to sleep

with this at night.

There you go. You give it a name,

and you go, "Let's go to bed."

- [woman 4] Mónica, I love your work.

- Thank you so much.

Dude, it's like so deep,

and everyone knows

this image of The Last Supper.

And you put this one statement,

and it triggers people just like that.

- Exactly. Yeah.

- Right?

For Jesus to be sitting there like,

"I have a small dong," and anyone

can look at that now and be like,

"All right, maybe I'm not

so different from"

And if Jesus has a small dong,

that makes it okay

for all of us to have a small dong.

That's a good reading.

Do you have a big d*ck?

- Yeah.

- Nice.

Just so you guys know, uh,

after this we're having an after-party,

if you wanna cruise by.

It's at this club

real close by called Envy.

- Yup.

- You're welcome to cruise.

- Yeah.

- It's gonna be pretty legit.

I hear that if you have a small dong,

you can skip the line.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- [woman 5] Amazing.

- Thank you.

The art show is going amazing.

The crowd loved it.

Big hit.

I think this art show is,

for sure, a massive step, dude,

in the right direction to raise awareness

for dudes like me who got small penises.

The word's out.

Small dong awareness. What up?

I feel comfortable saying it.

I'll throw my shoulders back. What up?

I have a small dong.

So yeah, this night's been huge.

So, how do you guys feel about ba*ls?

[dance music playing]

- Okay.

- Thank you.

- [Strider] Dude, small dongs in first.

- [Chad] Hell, yeah.

My dong's too big to cut the line.

I'm gonna hang here. See you at the club.

- All right.

- Do you really have a big dong?

That's what my Your mom

- Oh, come on.

- Real chill.

- [Chad] Strider, you go in first.

- Hell, yeah. For real?

- [JT] Just go, dog.

- [Chad] Go. It's for you.

- [JT] Good luck.

- [Strider] Thank you.

- [Chad] Whip it out.

- [bouncer] Get yourself stoked.

Enjoy yourself.

- What's up, guys?

- [Strider] What's going on?

Pants, please.

[zipper opens]

Yup.

- You're good.

- [JT] Hell, yeah, dude!

- Let's go!

- Enjoy yourself.

- Thank you, dude.

- Next.

- How are you?

- Good. How are you?

- I'm doing well.

- [bouncer] Pants, please.

[JT] Oh, don't touch it.

Oh, don't touch it.

- You're good.

- Thank you.

- I'm sorry.

- [bouncer] We're good.

- Enjoy yourself.

- [JT] Thanks.

[bouncer] Next.

- What's up, dude?

- What's up, man? Pants, please.

[zipper opens]

[Chad clears throat]

Sorry, buddy.

You're just a little over.

- No, dude, check that again.

- [bouncer] Okay.

I have a small p*nis.

It's still the same. Just a little over.

- Are you for real?

- [bouncer] Very for real.

You're just average. Just a little over.

Sorry, man.

It's the rules, bro.

[somber music playing]