01x04 - Internet Clot?

[bunniefuu]

[Cellphone chimes]

We need to respond to

Kris Latimer.

She says she's taking the money

offer down $1,500

every hour

we don't get back.

Jesus, where did she learn

how to make deals,

the Taliban school of

negotiation?

I say we tell her

to go f*ck herself.

Cooper's Bar's starting to

take off

and our new house drink is

turning a nice little profit.

How many customers

did you have last week?

11, and three of them

actually paid.

Cooper,

this is 25 grand!

It's not enough, Dave,

for my freakin' life rights?

And she's planning on

squeezing me out,

which means you and Brandon

are out, too.

Not if we go with the plan

that's just been hatched

by Cooper's newly promoted

director of

social media content

creation.

Oh, that really chips off

the tongue, Brandon.

What are you,

a Bacardi blimp?

I just met with

Billy Canasta,

you know, the crazy nail kid

from the other night,

and he has just been made

brand ambassador for Bacardi.

Bacardi's got

a diplomatic corps.

What, are they about to

invade Margaritaville?

Stop, okay?

Billy promotes the brand

as he promotes his lifestyle.

I convinced him to come here

to sh**t a bunch of

social media stories

at Cooper's Bar.

Oh, nice!

Like a commercial.

Cha-ching!

Not exactly.

Location fee alone's

10 grand a day.

No, definitely not.

Listen,

they're gonna star

Cooper Marino!

I could do my one-man show

about bartenders

off-off-off Broadway.

There's no cash in it,

Cooper.

A commercial

that doesn't pay?

It's not a commercial!

Does Bacardi even know

we're doing this?

It's not about Bacardi, okay?

It's about Kris Latimer!

[Cellphone chimes]

Speak of the devil.

It's Kris Latimer.

She said this is

her final offer.

Either you accept this

or she'll find

some other wannabe hack

who has a sh*thole bar

in his dirt pit backyard

and buy his sad-sack

life rights.

That's ridiculous.

There's no other place

like Cooper's Bar.

Yeah, and your a one-of-a-kind

sad-sack loser, Coops.

Exactly what I'm saying.

We do the Billy Canasta post.

It'll be like

proof of concept,

the ultimate audition tape,

and when it goes viral,

Kris Latimer

will be beating down

your door

to play Cooper Marino.

Holy sh*t.

One time he's right.

This sounds like

a terrible idea.

David, you can direct it.

Oh, let's do it!

Let's see if we can stall

the Wicked Witch

of the West Side

till this comes out.

Here, use my dic-to-text.

"Use your d*ck to text?

Can't I use my fingers?"

Oh, Cooper.

[Cellphone chimes]

Dear Kris,

there has been some movement

on the project

that we believe alters

the landscape.

It would be inappropriate to

further discuss

without a semi-ex*cuted DNA

receipt

that must be triplicated

by DOA.

Failure to provide this

will result in Cooper Marino

finally telling Hollywood

to go f*ck itself

so he can move back to Buffalo

and open a bar.

Come on, Cooper,

we almost had that.

[Cellphone whooshes]

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, what?

I was joking!

Get it back.

I'll say you just had

a stroke.

♪♪

[Sniffs]

Ahh.

♪♪

In case of party,

add Bacardi.

In case of party,

[chuckling] add Bacardi!

[Gruff voice] In case of party,

add Bacardi.

Ain't no party

unless there's Bacardi.

Quit branding,

you clod pole.

I just got the rhythm.

It's just a tweak,

okay?

Chris McCoy once said

a script is never finished.

It's abandoned.

You said we didn't even need

a script.

Just be yourself.

You being yourself

is saying sh*t like

clod pole.

Whatthe hell?

What What, do you got a

figure skating gig after this?

Directing's its own kind of

performance, Cooper.

I'm gonna bring a youthful

Harry Style vibe to the set.

[Chuckling]

Harry Styles?!

In "Death in Venice"!

Look, the, uh,

star's got a couple of

unforeseen demands

in his deal memo.

I don't have a deal memo.

It's the other star,

Billy Canasta.

It's just a product placement.

No big deal.

Oh, that's hot.

♪♪

You know, I always say,

"In case of a party,

Billy,

add Bacardi."

[Laughs]

Hi, I'm Billy Canasta

from "Who's Got Crabs?"

Where's the Canasta deck?

Cut it there!

David, please.

You said this would take

45 minutes.

I have a client coming.

This is ridiculous.

30 seconds.

Brandon, bruh!

You promised there would be

a Canasta deck

behind the bar!

I-It's behind the bar.

Where people can see it!

Cooper's isn't really

a skate bar.

Come on, Cooper.

This product integration's

what it takes to

get something made.

Chillax.

Chillax?

We okay? Alright? Good.

Okay, let's, uh, go again.

-Roll sound!

-Rolling.

On forever.

Look, I-I don't know

about this anymore.

I'm just, like,

not feeling it.

Something about this is just,

like, so

old fashioned.

You mean like Cooper's busted-up

twinkly lights?

-They're vintage.

-Old and broken

does not mean vintage,

bro.

Well, we're just trying to

catch the essence

of Cooper's Bar, bruh.

Yeah, bro, the essence

is kind of molded.

Let's move some of

those palm trees

in front of

this dirty furniture.

Excuse me, Fart Spice.

Those are from

Barbra Streisand's yard sale.

You know who

Barbra Streisand is?

Yeah, she played

Seth Rogan's mom.

Look, no offense, man,

but, like,

the way you act today

in contemporary media

is you don't act.

Do you get that?

Like, you just

you just got to be yourself.

It's all about

authenticity.

Authenticity.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

So, what, I should, uh,

bleach my teeth

as white as a toilet bowl

or paint my fingernails?

Man, I look delicious.

And I look like

a merch kiosk.

Is this what you call

authentic?

Coop, Coop.

If you can fake authenticity,

you're money, baby.

You can't argue with the likes.

Look, if you don't have the

chops to play the bartender,

it's not that big a deal.

The The

The chops?

Oh, just, oh

The The chops?

I don't play

the bartender.

I am the bartender.

And you know what

the best part about being

the bartender is?

Tossing losers like you

who stink up the joint.

Now, get the hell

out of here.

Can I put this down now?

Yeah, I'd rather sell

suppositories

on the One America Network.

Billy:

Hey, Coop, gimme one of

your Bacardi daiquiris.

In case of a party,

add the Bacardi.

♪♪

[Music skipping]

[Sighs]

Can't even play myself

in a shitty social media post.

Billy stole

all my ideas.

How did they build it

so fast?

It looked exactly like

this place.

I'm destined to be

an Uber driver.

No.

Let's call Antonia

at the studio.

There's got to be a way to

get around Kris

and straight to Cyrus Long.

That would be

career suicide.

You don't have a career.

Let's do it.

♪♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there is

something more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there is

something more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪