01x05 - Done with Hollywood?

[bunniefuu]

Ooh.

Mary: Cooper!

g*dd*mn it.

I cannot come out

of a full day of sessions

and find the kitchen

looking like a slaughterhouse.

What is all this?

It's a chicken wing

challenge kit.

A rep from Smitty's

dropped it by.

Why?

They saw all the Cooper's

Bar social-media bullshit.

And get this.

They want to partner with us

to open a bar-and-wings joint

in downtown Buffalo.

Cooper's Bar

and Ultimate Wings.

Are you for real?

I think so.

They're sending

a contract over tonight.

Tonight?

And you want to do this?

We could go back

to Buffalo?

Yeah, I-I think so.

If the deal looks good,

you and me

Oh-h*!

We'll be walking

in Caze Park,

dining on Elmwood Avenue.

The gorgeous,

billowing snowfall

like a pillow

to lay your head upon.

Cooper, you're for real

this time.

Yeah.

But what about

your television show?

I mean, is that ever

gonna happen?

Really? This business.

I have a résumé from here

to Glendale Boulevard.

It means nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

We have a real chance

here to get out

and make a fresh start

in Buffalo.

♪♪

♪♪

[Sniffs] Ahh.

♪♪

Just like that, huh?

Without even notifying

your head of social media,

Cooper?

Oh, snap.

There's a wing

challenge tonight?

Let me get us all

some milk.

You know, milk, not water,

is the key to your mouth

not overheating.

I actually prefer

bread personally.

Okay.

Nowthe devil's

triangle brutal.

But nothing compared

to the homewrecker.

And just when you think

you're out of the woods

and you see the boom,

the perineum ripper

lays you out.

David: Cooper, please.

You've got to

clean yourself up.

Antonia's coming.

Cooper just said

he doesn't want to do

this g*dd*mn

television show, David.

She's bringing the head

of the bloody studio.

Cyrus Long.

She said that he's open

to discussing

the role

of Cooper Marino.

Really?

Antonia convinced him

that if he sees you

in your natural setting,

he's gonna cast you

in an instant.

They're gonna be here

any second.

Honey, is it okay?

Just Just this

one last shot.

♪♪

sh*t. What do I do?

Just be yourself, Cooper.

That's what

we're trying to sell, okay?

♪♪

♪♪

Hey. How you doing?

Brandon Washington, "Army

of the Unwanted" writer.

Let me offer you

a taste of Cooper's Bar.

This is our house c*ck

the Bacardi daiquiri.

It's very Hemingway of you.

Hmm.

[Snorts]

This place is absurd.

[Laughs]

Right?

Yeah.

Blue-collar antidote

to the evils of effete

Hollywood elitism.

There's an audience for

this version, I'm telling you.

Cooper: Mr. Long,

can I interest you

in a taste

of my hometown?

Buffalo, New York?

Hmm.

Mmm.

Oh, it's delicious.

My fourth wife was from Buffalo.

She made the two

before her look atrocious.

[Laughing]

Ha. Hey.

[Forced laughter]

So where's our star?

Oh, he's right here. Cyrus.

Oh, hi, Antonia.

You haven't been

returning my calls

or my e-mails or my texts,

but I see you've found time

to bring the head of the studio

to the Muppet Reunion.

[Chuckling]

Good evening to the second

biggest d*ck in Hollywood.

I learned from

the master, right?

Cyrus, this is who Antonia

wants to cast

in the lead of our show.

♪♪

Antonia, I really wish

you had shown this to me

before you dragged me

down here.

This man

this is a clown.

Hmm.

This is like a dancing

monkey for hire.

See, when we're talking

about authenticity,

we're imagining

we plucked someone

from their natural habitat

and they step into the role.

Right, Kris?

-Yes. Oh, yes, right.

Like Amy Schumer.

Right.

Or like

that bartender guy.

The, you know, chubby,

balding guy,

look like

a retired taxi driver,

you know,

on his first cruise.

You know, where'd he go?

You know, the one with

the wings and whatnot.

I'm I'm right here,

Mr. Long.

[Chuckles] Right.

Like that, right, Kris?

Uh

Brilliant idea, Cyrus.

I mean, you

you've got such an eye.

I think it's a wonderful idea.

I'm David Butler.

I'm the director

of the pilot.

I read that you studied

at Cambridge.

I went there.

Really?

For a weekend, yeah.

And here we are

taking over Hollywood.

I love breaking

new talent.

David, I am calling an Uber

for Antonia.

Why don't you open your app and

you might make rent this month?

I'm with Postmates

these days.

Okay, well, Cyrus,

I've already got Amy Schumer

in a holding deal.

Let's just blow out of here

and exercise our option.

Humor me.

Mr. Bartender

I'd like to hear you

do a line,

something like

I don't know

"Hi, I'm Cooper Marino."

What's your name,

by the way?

I'm Cooper Marino.

[Laughs]

So real.

You know, if I were

to cast this troglodyte

as Cooper Marino,

the show would be

a massive success.

Antonia: Cyrus, genius.

And only you have

the stones for this.

I mean, "Cooper's Bar"

could be your legacy.

Can you just stop,

Antonia?

Does your busboy

even want this?

Let me read you

a little text

I got from our overage

dinner-theater actor.

Here we go.

"Hollywood can go

f*ck itself

so I can move back to Buffalo

and open a bar."

Would someone who really

wants it write that?

♪♪

♪♪

I would do anything

to play this part.

Cyrus, listen.

You hired me to always speak

the unvarnished truth,

and this man is no match

for Amy Schumer.

Antonia: Oh, come on.

Amy Schumer

is, like, a multimillionaire

Hollywood star.

She wouldn't be caught dead

in a place like Cooper's Bar.

So what?

Cyrus, you're always preaching

about authenticity.

What is more authentic

than an authentic bartender

playing the part

of Cooper Marino?

Yes.

Well, an authentic bartender

eating authentic wings

is really something to behold,

isn't it, Kris?

My God.

Jesus Christ.

Any schmo from Bug Tussle

can eat a gnarly buffalo wing.

I was really hoping

you'd say that.

♪♪

[Chuckling]

Alright, I see you.

But that's kid stuff.

Can you handle the heat?

Ripping perineums

is what I do for a living.

And it's true,

and she's good at it.

But does Mr. Barman

have the cojonesfor this?

Are you kidding me?

I got this.

It is on.

If the barman can outlast

Kris Latimer

in the hot wing challenge,

then the role is his.

What?

f*ck you, Cyrus.

Okay. Okay.

After I whoop his a*s,

Antonia is fired,

Amy gets the role,

and I personally get to own

10% of the show.

It's a deal.

♪♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there is

something more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there is

something more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪