02x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

(sniffing glass and exhaling)

(lively upbeat music continues)

- This LA is like

a wild life series.

I got skunks, coyotes, cats

banging under my house.

- At least somebody's

getting laid.

- I wish I lived in

a civilized city.

- Yeah, but how many pilots

are they casting out

of Buffalo, Coop?

You gotta be here.

- I've done busted my a*s.

Yesterday, I had my first

audition in four months.

I drove two hours across

town to say three lines.

By the time I got

back to my car,

I was told they're going

in a different direction.

You know what

direction I'm going?

Back to the Buffalo

to open a bar.

(upbeat music)

- Open it here.

- Why?

So you can drink

all the profits?

- Yeah, but when

I sell my pitch.

- Yeah, sell my pitch,

Brandon, no one wants to see

a Christian zombie movie.

- Army of the Unwanted is more

like a spiritual thriller.

(upbeat music)

It has a message.

- Well, if that's the

only offer on the table,

I'd rather grow a man

bun and work at a co-op.

Hey dude, you find

everything all right?

That's actually very healthy.

- Cooper, Jesus Christ,

David is gonna be

here in four minutes.

You can't even

take out the trash?

- Clean up for David, why?

- You told me he was

bringing what's his name

from the studio,

a Kris, Kris Latimer.

(upbeat music)

- When has David ever

come through on anything?

- He came through on a

8th of kush last night,

(bleep) super strong.

Maybe that's why I don't

feel so good today.

- What if does show up, Coop?

You're never gonna work again

if he thinks you are

a degenerate slob.

- David wants me to pitch

this place to Kris Latimer,

as a TV show, "Cooper's Bar".

- Nobody's gonna buy that.

- With me in it.

- Doing what?

- Acting.

I'm an actor.

- Oh, yeah.

- Anyway,

this Kris Latimer is one of

the biggest dicks in Hollywood.

He'd never come here.

- You ever met him?

- Hell no.

He's some dweeb from Seattle.

Tech guy.

Thinks he can run a studio.

No thanks.

David met him at

Armenian bootcamp.

- Are they all Armenian?

- No.

What?

That's a little r*cist.

- Kris Latimer's not coming.

- No, he is not.

(car hits trashcan)

- What?

I don't know why

it's called a dandy,

I just know it's a

vegan marshmallow, okay.

- Hey!

- By EOD,

because Cybil's coming over

to play with my

daughter this weekend.

And Cybil's father is the

most important director

in Hollywood,

and Cynbil's father told

Cybil that she's a vegan.

(knocking)

Can you stop crying

and just do your job.

I got another call coming

through, I gotta take it.

Hi.

No, but I am going

into a meeting

with Amy Schumer right now.

- Get off the

(bleep) damn phone.

- Hey on, I think I

just found a valet.

I could not find you

anywhere, I had to self-park.

- No, no, no, no, no, no,

you moved my garbage can

and now my trash

won't be picked up.

- Okay, back off b*tch.

No, the Amy thing

all happened last.

(crash)

(bleep)

Go ahead, I'm listening.

Yeah, her agents told me.

Right, I know, yeah.

But no, well,

well Amy Shumer's agent said,

hang on, I will read it to you.

She wants to play a total

loser who think they're cool.

Yeah, I know we don't have that.

I cannot find this place.

Jesus, I cannot believe

I just climbed over

a recliner in the street.

I think I got HPV.

Sorry, is this "Cooper's Bar"?

- Hell yeah, this

is "Cooper's Bar".

Why don't you let me pour

you a goblet o' cabernet?

- Oh, hell yeah.

This place is amazing.

- Thank you.

My grandfather,

father, and myself,

all bartenders in Buffalo,

so I built this place.

- Hm, you have so much stuff.

- I'm here every night.

- That's one thing I'd like

to get rid of. (chuckles)

- Oh, one of your neighbors

is a real crazy b*tch.

- Well, that's LA.

You get a designated

(bleep) person,

pretty straight, it's

not gender specific.

- Cheers to that.

(humming)

So, where's you know who?

- Kris Latimer?

- Yeah?

- He ain't coming.

- What?

- I'm sorry, you are?

- Come on, (bleep) off,

where's Amy Schumer?

- That woman called me a b*tch.

- Oh, that is the crazy

(bleep) I told you about.

- Kris Latimer

and Cooper Marino,

I knew you'd hit it off.

- David.

- Kris Latimer.

- Yes!

- Oh, sorry.

We didn't realize.

- That you'd have t*tties.

- Wait, who is Cooper Marino?

- It's Latimer.

(nervously laughs)

Hey.

Hey.

- I thought you

said Kris Latimer

was the biggest

d*ck in Hollywood.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I have the biggest

d*ck in Hollywood.

(upbeat music)

- Oh, I'm sorry,

we just didn't believe David

could get a real

exec like yourself

to show up at my bar

to pitch our show.

- David, you told me we

were meeting Amy Schumer.

- We are.

- Oh yeah, she's here

practically every night,

isn't that right,

Marry Poppin's?

- Well, yeah, I mean (laughs)

- David, come on.

I saw her once getting

coffee in our neighborhood.

- All right, I'm outta here.

- Kris, please,

just five minutes.

Cooper's great.

This bar is amazing.

- I can't feel my eyelids.

- Just sit down and Coop is

gonna give you the whole pitch.

- Me?

What?

- I got this.

- No.

- I got it.

- Brandon.

Please.

- It's called, "Army

of the Unwanted".

It's a Christian

zombie vampire movie.

- Oh God.

- About all the aborted souls

of the babies who

have returned to Earth

seeking their revenge.

- All right.

David, (bleep) you.

- Wait, hold on a sec, ooh.

I don't feel so good.

- Oh (bleep).

- David, call 911.

Cooper, do chest compressions.

Kris, count the compressions.

It's justice like a garbage can.

- Oh God, just move.

(slaps)

- Oh wait, he's regained

consciousness, hang on.

Brandon, are you okay?

(Brandon burps)

Actually, don't come, he's fine.

Guys, that was brilliant!

I think that's how I'm gonna end

the first episode

of "Cooper's Bar".

- I gotta do damage control.

Amy Schumer.

- Don't you see it?

It's this place, these people,

on the show,

on the telly?

- A show about a

bunch of total losers

who think they're cool.

Really?

- What?

Wait, what pitch is that?

- It's our pitch.

It's "Cooper's Bar".

- Yeah, yeah that might work.

I mean, sure as (bleep) better

than his Mike Pence Baby

Zombie's crap, right?

- I was high.

- Lots of people are high

and no one else is pitching

steaming piles of (bleep), okay?

You three, call my office.

Set something up.

I gotta fly.

(laughing)

- It's like the

Bill Doilers game,

all over again.

It's the greatest come

back since the come back.

(laughing)

- Oh (bleep).

(car unlocking)

- Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Just make yourselves at home.

Kris Latimer sends

her pale imitation

of what she mistakes

for as love.

(upbeat music)

- So guy, we read

over the pitch,

and what you created,

can you pass these out?

It's sharp,

it's funny,

it's interesting.

But guys, you gotta make

a play at the 2020's.

- Right.

- What I love about it

is that it really

reminds me of myself

and how it felt when I got

shipped away to boarding school,

which funny story.

After my third Ayahuasca trip,

I dabbled in this

psilocybin therapy,

but turns out I'm allergic.

Sucks.

And I went to this amazing

self-actualization center

in Solemico,

which low and behold,

became the real-life inspo

for the self-actualization

center on Cooper's farm.

- Cooper's got a

self-actualization farm in LA?

- Oh, no, we're not,

we're not sh**ting this in LA.

- Oh, hallelujah.

People have farms in Buffalo.

- Alabama's where the best

tax credit is right now.

- Great cruise in Alabama.

- Like you'd know.

- So, in your mind,

I'm this barkeep who's a farmer,

who's like a spin instructor.

- Excited about

writing this down.

- I gotta be honest with ya,

I don't think I can play this.

- Has Kris Latimer not mentioned

any of this to you guys at all?

Cooper, you don't have to

worry about playing Cooper,

because Amy Schumer is.

- Amy Schumer?

- Yeah, she wants to do it.

- That's amazing.

- She's always how I saw Cooper.

- Amy, she loves the theme.

Chaos is the mother

of invention.

She loves the band of losers

that hash everything up

and that Cooper's always

there to save the day.

So, Cooper,

business affairs drew up

this little life rights deal

for their played stuff,

but if all goes well,

you might have a nice

little lump sum there,

maybe clean up some credit

card debt and whatnot.

- I'll tell ya, Anita.

- Antonia.

- We can set it in

the south, terrific,

and I get it that

you don't want me,

Amy Schumer's a

much bigger star.

- God, I'm so looking

forward to working with her.

- Oh, the star brings

in their own team.

- But "Cooper's

Bar" is not a place

where rich people go to

escape their made up problems.

It's a real watering hole

where normal people

get a tiny break

from the billion

daily indignities

of working in this (bleep) town.

Or any job that (bleeps) on you.

I mean,

look at this,

this is (bleep)

and these, these, these vegan

cauliflower (bleep) wings,

doesn't even know what

it's trying to be.

Does it want to be

better cauliflower

or worse chicken?

Whatever it is,

it should be against the law.

- Antonia,

look, he's an

actor from Buffalo,

he doesn't really

understand the game.

Let me go and talk to him,

director to star.

- Yeah.

- All right.

Let's talk story arches.

- Story arcs?

- You say tomato.

- Coops.

- I can't believe I thought

for even one stupid minute

this might be my shot.

I'm a fool.

- Yeah, the writing sample

will have to be in writing.

- Cooper, Cooper,

I've watched you change your

clothes three times a day

and everyone's parked for

three different auditions.

- Exactly Dave.

- This could still be

an opportunity, right?

You could be Amy's

dad or something.

- No, it's time I wake up,

and do what I was

really meant to do.

Open a bar in Buffalo.

Excuse me.

Because Buffalo is a real place

where no self-respecting

human being

would eat a limp piece of

vegetable (bleep) like this,

and pretend it's a

Buffalo chicken wing.

It's a place where

no one runs around

with ear buds connected

to their an*s.

It's a place where

there's four seasons

and people are happy it's not

75 and sunny every single day.

It's a place where if you want

real Buffalo chicken wings,

you go to Eddie Brady's

Tavern on Genesis Street

and you order five dozen of 'em,

along with five dozen beers,

because it's a real place

with real people

who actually age

and say what they

think to your face.

It's a place where

you give the mailmen

a gift at Christmastime.

And unlike this city of

paranoid psychopaths,

you say hello to your neighbors.

And your big dream is to

just keep having good days,

like when it's mid January

and you don't have to

shovel 10 feet of snow

out of your driveway,

so you go to O'Daniel's Gin Mill

and you say hello to

your pals, who you love.

And you throw 20

bucks into the kitty,

you don't care if

it's for drinks

or for someone's bail bond,

you just do it because

you're a Buffalonian.

The city of good neighbors

and you're talking proud.

And for a couple of hours,

you tip a glass,

tell a story,

and then you laugh

and you're warm

and life is good.

God, I miss Buffalo.

(clapping)

- Forget Amy Schumer,

Cooper Marino should be

played by Cooper Marino.

And we're not sh**ting

this in Alabama, no.

- Now you're talking.

- No, we're doing

this Buffalo style,

which probably means Vancouver,

but pure down and dirty.

"Cooper's Bar",

starring Cooper Marino.

- Directed by David Butler.

- And written by

Brandon Washington.

- Cooper, get me a copy

of your latest head shot.

I'm going around Kris Latimer

and I'm going straight to the

head of the studio with this.

This,

is gonna finally get

me my own parking spot.

Yes.

- I'll send you my reel,

it's mainly shorts,

I did a corporate for Sears.

- You heard the lady, the

star brings their own team,

and guess who's the star?

(laughing)

Oh please, no more

vegan cauliflower wings.

- I'm not Postmates, bruh.

(upbeat music)

I live at Flex House,

the collab house next door.

This place a bar?

- No.

- Indeed it is.

Welcome to "Cooper's Bar".

- Did you say there's a

new collab house next door?

- Yeah, Flex house,

you heard of us?

- Flex House, (bleep).

- You try one of these?

- Ooh, it appears that I

make a very nice c*ck.

- And a bussin' wing.

These are fire.

- Fire is good, right?

- This place is called

"Cooper's Bar", yeah?

- Yeah, but don't tell anybody.

This place hasn't exactly

passed its health inspection.

- This kid's (bleep) nuts.

(phone notifications)

- Now this is (bleep).

- So this is the Glendale

version of Annie Legowitz.

- Oh, this is more than

just a photographer.

- It's a bloody photo booth.

- It comes with amazing props.

- You don't think

they fire mall cops

for stealing the photo booth?

- I am not just a mall cop,

I'm the executive in

charge of social media

for "Cooper's Bar".

(laughing)

You laugh,

but you know the kid

with the crazy nails

that came into the bar?

That's Billy Canasta.

He's a huge influencer

and that new collab house

next door, Flex House,

has 20 million followers.

Oh, and he's on

"Who's Got Krabz?"

That post he made of

Cooper's buffalo wings

has been shared 100,000 times.

Cooper's is blowing up.

- Come on, I feel like

I'm at a peep show.

- Maybe give him some direction.

Yeah.

Think Magnum PI.

Big mustache.

Little shorts.

- You couldn't direct

thick into a bag.

Cooper, mate, just give us

something for the studio please.

- Glamour, Coop.

Yeah, put that on.

Scary, Cooper.

Friday the 13th.

There you go.

You're taking it to

a whole nother level.

- I look like an undertaker.

- You look like a barman.

- Which is how Cooper

Marino needs to look

if Cooper Marino's gonna

play Cooper Marino.

- Cooper Marino will

never play Cooper Marino

you [Bleep] wads.

I sent my semi-illiterate

dildo of development

over here with just one job,

and just get Cooper to

sign over his life rights.

(whistles)

But she says Cooper

Marino won't sign the deal

unless we guarantee

that he plays the lead.

- That's a gross

mischaracterization

of what happened.

- You would think

that you don't tell

the right's holders your plans

until after you get

their signature,

but here we are.

If you want this show to happen,

you need to sign this deal.

- I didn't say I wouldn't sign,

I just have a

couple of comments.

- Well, we've upped

the offer to $10,000,

so I assume that

addresses your comments.

- Not about the money, Kris.

- Okay.

You can have

meaningless consultation

on all creative matters.

But the studio gets final say.

- Our people will

never go for that.

- Your people?

We threw your people

out in the revolution,

you tea sipping red coat.

So how about you shut your hole,

or I'm calling ICE.

- Hey, that's r*cist.

David is not an ill*gal alien.

- I'm just waiting for the

divorce to come through,

then I can marry an American.

- Oh, they must be lining

up around the block

for a 50-year-old Uber driver.

No, not so much?

Great.

$12,000 and that should

help with his divorce costs.

- It's not about me,

I just want to get

the role of a lifetime

for my most talented friend.

- This is not Ru Paul's

Drag Race for the AARP.

We're not casting a

60-year-old never been.

- He's been in 50 movies.

- I don't give a rat's a*s

about his background career.

- First off, it

wasn't background.

Second, for some reason,

the biggest d*ck in Hollywood

pays a visit to this never been

to sign over my life rights.

- $15,000.

- Wouldn't sign (bleep), Coop.

Speak to Antonia first.

- Are you talking?

Let me educate you on the

entertainment industry.

Head of development

is a (bleep) position

given to someone's

useless niece or nephew,

like a priest in 19th

century England, David.

- Oh, right.

- Your boss must

really like this idea.

- $20,000.

Final offer.

- Ms. Latimer,

Brandon Washington, head writer,

goblet o' cabernet?

You remember me?

- No.

Cooper.

You will be allowed on set

for one supervised visit.

And I'm upping the

offer to $25,000.

Okay, fine, okay, fine.

You know what, you're right,

you are right,

the head of the studio likes it.

- Cyrus Long has read it?

- He says it is the best idea

he's heard from me, in years.

And we've negotiated Amy

Schumer's contract for weeks.

- It's my life.

- Cooper, come on.

Please.

If I don't give him a hit,

I'm gonna lose my job

and my reputation,

and my entire sense

of superiority.

Cooper, Cooper listen,

you name your price,

and I am gonna fight for you.

- I don't have a price, Kris.

- Yes, he does!

- You know what I want.

- You are not playing

Cooper, Cooper!

- Okay fine.

Brandon is the show runner

and David Directs the pilot.

- That is possibly even worse

than you playing Cooper.

- Take it or leave it.

- You know what,

you've been outta

this business so long,

you don't know when

to pick up your toys

and just run home.

I'm gonna bury you.

(upbeat music)

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel

like I can't ♪

Sometimes I feel like there

is something more that I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪

Sometimes I feel like there

is something more that I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪