02x02 - The Big Break

[bunniefuu]

(Cooper sniffing, sighing)

(percussive music)

(cell phone chiming)

- We need to respond

to Kris Latimer.

She says she's taking

the money offered down

$1,500 every hour

we don't get back.

- I say, we tell her

to go (bleep)herself.

- Cooper, this is 25 grand.

- It's not enough, Dave,

for my freaking life rights,

and she's planning

on squeezing me out,

which means you and

Brandon are out, too.

- Not if we go with the plan

that's just been hatched

by Cooper's newly

promoted director

of social media

content creation.

- Oh, that really chips

off the tongue, Brandon.

- I just met with Billy

Canasta, you know,

the crazy nail kid

from the other night.

I convinced him to come here

to sh**t a bunch of social

media stories in Cooper's Bar.

- Like a commercial!

Cha-ching.

- There's no cash in it, Cooper.

- A commercial that doesn't pay.

- We do the Billy Canasta post.

It'll be like proof of concept.

Then when it goes

viral, Kris Latimer

will be beatin' down your

door to play Cooper Marino.

- This sounds like

a terrible idea

- David, you can direct it.

- Oh, let's do it!

(Brandon laughing)

(hands slapping)

(mellow music)

And action!

(Cooper and Billy laughing)

- Hi, I'm Billy Canasta

from "Who's Got Crabs?"

Where's the canasta deck?

- Cut it there.

- David, please.

You said this would

take 45 minutes.

I have a client coming-

- Wait a second.

- Brandon, brah,

you promised there would be a

canasta deck behind the bar.

- Yeah, it's, it's

behind the bar

- Where people can see it!

- Cooper's isn't

really a skate bar.

- Come on, Cooper.

This product integration

is what it takes

to get something made.

Chillax.

- Chillax?

- Are we okay?

All right, good.

Okay, let's go again.

Roll sound.

- Rolling.

On forever.

- Look, I, I don't know

about this anymore.

I'm just, like, not feeling it.

Something about this is

just like so old-fashioned.

- You mean like Cooper's

busted up twinkly lights?

- They're vintage

- Old and broken does

not mean vintage, bro.

- Well, we're just trying

to catch the essence

of Cooper's Bar, brah.

- Yeah, bro, the essence

is kind of moldy.

Let's move some of

those palm trees

in front of this

tatty furniture.

- Excuse me, Bard Spice.

Those are from Barbara

Streisand's yard sale.

You who what Barbara

Streisand is?

- Yeah, she played

Seth Rogan's mom.

Look, no offense, man, but,

like, the way you act today

in contemporary media

is you don't act.

Do you get that?

Like you just, you

just gotta be yourself.

It's all about authenticity.

- Authenticity.

- Yeah.

- Oh, okay, what?

So what, I should

bleach my teeth as white

as a toilet bowl, or

paint my fingernails?

- Man, I look delicious.

- And I look like a merch kiosk.

Is this what you call authentic?

- Coop, Coop, if you

can fake authenticity,

you're money, baby.

- You can't argue

with the likes.

Look, if you don't have the

chops to play the bartender

it's not that big a deal.

- The chops?

So just the, the, the chops?

I don't play the bartender;

I am the bartender.

And you know what the best part

about being the bartender is?

Tossing losers like you

who stink up the joint.

Now get the hell outta here.

- Can I put this down now?

- Yeah.

I'd rather sell suppositories

on the One America Network.

(horn tooting)

- Hi, I'm Billy Canasta

from "Who's Got Crabs?"

Hey, Coop.

- Can't even play myself in

a shitty social media post.

- Billy stole all my ideas.

- I'm destined to

be an Uber driver.

- No.

Let's call Antonia

at the studio.

There's gotta be a

way to get around Kris

and straight to Cyrus Long.

- That would be career suicide.

- You don't have a career.

- Let's do it.

(suspenseful music)

(inquisitive music)

- Cooper!

God damn it!

I cannot come out of a

full day of sessions,

find the kitchen looking

like a slaughterhouse.

What is all this?

- It's a chicken

wing challenge kit.

A rep from Smitty's

dropped it by.

- Why?

- They saw the Cooper's

Bar social media bullshit.

And get this, they

wanna partner with us

to open a bar and wings

joint in downtown Buffalo:

Cooper's Bar and Ultimate Wings.

- Are you for real?

- I, I think so.

They're sending a

contract over tonight.

- Tonight?

And you wanna do this so

we can go back to Buffalo?

- Yeah, I think so, if

the deal looks good.

You and me.

(Mary laughing)

We'll be walking in Caz Park,

dining on Elwood Avenue, the

gorgeous billowing snowfall,

like a pillow to

lay your head upon.

- Cooper, you're

for real this time.

- Yeah.

- But what about

your television show?

- Is that ever gonna happen?

Really, this business?

I have a resume from here

to Glendale Boulevard.

It means nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

We have a real chance

here to get out

and make a fresh

start in Buffalo.

- Just like that, huh?

- Without even notifying your

head of social media, Cooper?

Oh snap, there's a

wing challenge tonight?

I'm gonna get a saucer of milk.

You know, milk, not

water, is the key

to your mouth not overheating.

- I actually prefer

bread, personally.

Okay, ow, the Devil's Triangle.

Brutal, but nothing

compared to the Homewrecker.

And just when you think

you're out of the woods

and it hits you like, boom!

The Perineum Ripper

lays you out.

- Cooper, please.

You gotta clean yourself up.

Antonia's coming.

- Cooper just said

he doesn't wanna do

this goddam television

show, David.

- She's bringing the head

of the bloody studio,

Cyrus Long.

(Cooper gulping)

She said that he's

open to discussing

the role of Cooper Marino.

- Really?

- Antonia convinced

him that if he sees you

in your natural setting, he's

gonna cast you in an instant.

They're gonna be

here any second.

- Honey, is it okay?

Just, just this one last shot.

sh*t, what, what do I do?

- Just be yourself, Cooper.

That's what we're

trying to sell, okay?

(dramatic music)

(dramatic musical sting)

- Hey, how you doing?

Brandon Washington, army

of the unwanted, writer.

- (scoffing) This

place is absurd.

- (laughing) Right?

Yeah, blue collar antidote

to the evils of effete

Hollywood elitism.

There's an audience for this

version, I'm telling you.

- Mr. Long, can I interest

you in a taste of my hometown,

Buffalo, New York?

- Hmm, let's see.

(chicken crunching)

Mmm.

Oh, it's delicious.

My fourth wife was from Buffalo.

She made the two before

her look atrocious.

(Antonia laughing)

(all laughing nervously)

- So where's our star?

- Oh, he's right here.

Cyrus.

Oh, hi Antonia.

You haven't been returning

my calls, or my emails,

or my texts, but I

see you've found time

to bring the head of the

studio to the Muppet reunion.

Cyrus, this is who

Antonia wants to cast

in the lead of our show.

- Antonia, I really wish

you had shown these to me

before you dragged me down here.

This man, this is a clown.

- Mmm.

- This is like a

dancing monkey for hire.

You see, when we're

talking about authenticity,

we're imagining

we plucked someone

from their natural habitat

and they step into

the role, right Kris?

- Yes, oh yes, right.

Like Amy Schumer.

- Right, or like

that bartender guy,

the, you know,

chubby, balding guy,

looked like a

retired taxi driver.

Where'd he go?

The one with the

wings, and whatnot.

- Um, I'm right here, Mr. Long.

- (laughing) Right, like that.

Right, Kris?

- Brilliant idea, Cyrus.

I mean, you, you've

got such an eye.

- It's a wonderful idea.

Yeah, I'm, I'm David Butler.

I'm the director of the pilot.

I read that you

studied at Cambridge.

I went there.

- Really?

- For a weekend, yeah.

- David, I am calling

an Uber for Antonia.

Why don't you open your app

and you might make

rent this month.

- I'm with Postmates these days.

- Okay, well Cyrus,

I've already cut Amy

Schumer in a holding deal.

Let's just blow out of here

and exercise our option.

- Humor me.

Mr. Bartender, I'd like

to hear you do a line,

something like, I don't know,

"Hi, I'm Cooper Marino."

What's your name by the way?

- I'm Cooper Marino.

- (laughing) So real.

You know, if I were to

cast this troglodyte

as Cooper Marino, this show

would be a massive success.

- Cyrus, genius!

And, and, and only you

have the stones for this.

I mean, Cooper's Bar

could be your legacy.

- Can you just stop it, Antonia?

Does your busboy even want this?

Let me read you a

little text I got

from our overaged

dinner theater actor.

Here we go.

"Hollywood can go (bleep) itself

"so I can move back to

Buffalo and open a bar."

Would someone who really

wants it write that?

(percussive music)

- I would do anything

to play this part.

- Cyrus, listen, you

hired me to always speak

the unvarnished truth,

and this man is no

match for Amy Schumer.

- Oh, come on!

Amy Schumer is like a

multimillionaire Hollywood star.

She wouldn't be caught dead

in a place like Cooper's Bar.

- So what?

- Cyrus Cyrus, you're always

preaching about authenticity.

What is more authentic

than an authentic bartender

playing the part

of Cooper Marino?

- Yes, well, an authentic

bartender eating authentic wings

is really something to

behold, isn't it Kris?

- My god.

- Jesus Christ.

Any schmo from Bugtussle can

eat a gnarly buffalo wing.

- I was really hoping

you'd say that.

(chicken crunching)

(foreboding music)

(Cyrus chuckling)

- All right, I see you.

But that's kid stuff.

Can you handle the heat?

- Ripping perineums is

what I do for a living.

- It's true.

And she's good at it.

But does Mr. Barman have

the cojones for this?

- Are you kidding me?

I got this.

- It is on.

If the barman can

outlast Kris Latimer

in the hot wing challenge,

then the role is his.

- What?

(bleep) you, Cyrus.

Okay.

Okay.

After I whoop his

a*s, Antonia is fired,

Amy gets the role,

and I personally get

to own 10% of the show.

- It's a deal.

(frightening music)

(glamorous music)

(patrons chattering)

- I've got your bread,

he's got your milk,

and I've got your sick bag.

Just 10 wings stand between you

and career resurrection, Coops.

- And never forget

to go to the body.

Throw short hooks, short

upper cuts, then bing,

jab to the head.

- She'll never make

it past number five.

A Little Death is tough, but

I've seen Silent but Deadly

take out lumberjacks.

- Mommy.

(bell dinging)

(spectators chattering)

(suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music continues)

(Kris and Cooper

crunching and slurping)

- [Spectator] Yes!

- [Spectator] You

can get it, Coop.

(spectators cheering)

- Come on!

(dreamy music)

(dreamy music continues)

(spectators cheering)

(plates clinking)

(Kris and Cooper slurping)

(Cooper groaning)

(spectators cheering)

- You said you'd got this.

- Sure, one through six.

I've only tasted seven and

eight under the influence.

But nine and 10, I've never

seen anyone survive that.

- You got it.

You're so there.

You're so there.

(spectators cheering)

(Kris exhaling loudly)

(spectators chattering)

- [Spectator] Show

you what she's got.

(food crunching)

- Hot!

(spectators shouting

encouragement)

- What you got?

He's sick.

He's struggling.

He's struggling right now.

Look at him.

He's gonna fold.

He's gonna fold.

- [Spectator] Come on.

- [Spectator] Come on, Cooper.

- [Spectator] Come on.

- [Spectator] Come on, Cooper.

- [Spectator] Look at him.

- [Spectator] Come on, Cooper!

(wing crunching)

- [Spectator] No, no, no!

- [Spectator] Come on, come

on, come on, come on, Coop.

- You got it, you got it.

Your dream.

It's everything you wanted.

- [Spectator] Somebody,

call the ambulance.

- Mmm.

(Cooper speaking

foreign language)

- [Spectators] No!

(spectators cheering)

(Cooper groaning)

- Are you kidding me?

- [Spectator] Come on,

Kris, you got this.

Kris, you got this.

- [Spectator] One more!

(spectators shouting

encouragement)

- [Spectator] Let's

go, Kris, come on!

- One more!

One more!

Come on!

You got it!

It's nothing' to you.

Yeah!

Yeah!

You got it!

No!

No!

(body thuds)

(spectators shouting)

(victorious music)

- And the barman gets the role.

- [Spectators] Cooper!

Cooper!

Cooper!

- Wait, his name's?

Whatever.

Antonia, contract.

All right.

- No!

Wait, it's mine!

- Kris, you're fired.

And Tony is gonna be

running the show now.

- [Spectator] Cooper, Cooper,

Cooper, Cooper, Cooper!

- [Kris] Piss Cooper!

- [Spectators] Cooper,

Cooper, Cooper!

Cooper, Cooper, Cooper!

- Can I pour you a

goblet o' cabernet?

- [Spectators] Cooper,

Cooper, Cooper!

(mellow music)

- [Brandon] Just

got green-lit, Coop.

- It's just a pilot.

- You never know.

Could be on for seven seasons.

- Seven more years in Los

Angeles? (sucking teeth)

(cell phone chiming)

- Holy cannoli.

We got the contract for the

bar in Buffalo. (laughing)

- Oh!

- A show and a branch of

Coopers in your hometown.

Your cup has runneth over.

- What are you talking about?

You signed a deal

with Cyrus Long.

- For a TV show.

This is to franchise a bar.

- Do you not read contracts

before you sign them?

No?

Just, you just sign?

Section 4B.

- "Licensee hereby assigns

all ancillary rights

"herein existing or unknown,

including brick and mortar

"franchises of Cooper's Bar."

- "Shall remain the

sole and exclusive right

"of licensure

herein," wait, what?

- [David] What the

(bleep) does that mean?

- The studio owns the bar.

- [All] The studio owns the bar?

(quick music)

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there

is something more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there

is something more than I want ♪