02x05 - The Set

[bunniefuu]

(light jazzy music)

- Guys, this is not personal.

It's not personal.

You know this business.

This business is,

it's, it's nuts.

(sighing)

Dave, Brandon, oil

and water don't mix.

Creatively.

sh*t.

Did you know Brando and Sinatra

fought like cats and dogs

on "Guys and Dolls",

and they probably,

they should've parted ways.

And I think

that's what we

should do, part ways.

Ah! (bleep)

(gate clinking)

Just gotta do it.

Okay.

- [Dave] Direct

with any authority

if the security guard's-

- sh*t.

- [Dave] got more

power than I have.

- Quit my job as a security

guard when I became a writer.

- I'm not talking about you,

I'm talking about the g*ons

who escorted us off the set.

- Jesus, take the wheel!

You two were at work in

a professional setting.

- Ah, we just fight.

- Yeah, like brothers.

- Yeah, come on, Dave's the fam.

Look at that, huh?

(Dave laughing)

Come here, huh?

Now who can say "Cut," huh?

Who can say, "Cut?" (laughing)

- That was mad.

I was right in

front of Cyrus Long.

What a couple of wankers.

- Yeah, I bet you Cooper's

down there right now

doing some serious dancing

to get us outta here.

(garden tools clattering)

- Cooper, what are you doin'?

- Hey.

- Hey, Cooper.

- Hey, hey.

You know "Guys and Dolls"?

You know that Marlon

Brando and Frank Sinatra,

they fought, like, a lot,

and they probably

shouldn't have never been

in the same movie together.

It turned out to be a

pretty good flick, but,

but sometimes, creatively,

it's like oil and water,

and, you know, when you

heat up some olive oil,

you're makin' some eggplant,

or something along those lines,

well, just one little drop

of water from anywhere,

and it's an expl*si*n.

Sometimes that happens.

- Cooper, have you been

vapin' and drivin'?

What are you talkin' about?

- No, no, this is like

that unsaid sh*t Karen said

she wanted in the scripts.

Sublet.

- I think you mean subtext.

- Oh, so who's the

writer now, huh?

(shouting and laughing)

- Guys.

Guys!

You're fired.

- Damn.

That's some deep sublet.

(upbeat drum music)

(lively music)

(car door slamming)

Something in my

heart go missing ♪

I never thought I

would lose myself ♪

But then there is no denying ♪

The fact I know I

wasn't ready for life ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there

is somethin more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪

- Brittney almost walked.

The studio won't

make it without her.

She wants real pros.

- Oh.

So much for, "Whatever

happens, you guys come first."

- You can't behave like

that on a professional set!

Are you kidding me?

You need to grow up.

- Well, Brandon and me

might not be "real pros",

because we were told we're

not au fait with the TV lingo.

- You thought Bee

Gees was a disco band.

- They are.

- Background, my brother.

- Who cares?

- Know what, Coop?

Maybe we don't know

what we're doing.

- That's my point.

- But at least we give

it to you straight.

And I don't know were else

you're gonna get that.

David?

You gonna follow me or what?

That was my big moment.

- Oh, right, yeah.

Sorry, Cooper.

Good luck with your show.

- (sighing) You

should've seen 'em, Mary.

I think Brandon

gave Dave a wedgie.

- Hm.

(mellow Hawaiian music)

- The hula girl.

- You know, when the

three of you stole

this problematic

piece of plastic

from that bar in Waikiki Beach,

I thought you were

outta your minds.

A tiki bar?

In this burnt out piece

of Atwater Village?

And yet, the three of you

bumbled your way to all this.

- Right now, set designers

are building an exact replica

of this on a stage.

It's my dream.

(mellow Hawaiian

music continuing)

(jaunty Italian music)

Are you (bleep) kidding me?

- Oh, isn't it amazing?

I mean, it's an exact

replica of your bar.

Huh?

- This looks as much

like Cooper's Bar

as I do George Clooney.

What?

What is this?

- No. The dimensions

are identical

to your place in Atwater.

I made sure of that.

If you close your eyes, you

can't even tell the difference.

- Tell the difference?

Cooper's is a tiki bar in

Atwater Village, Antonia.

It's outside!

- Oh, that's your problem.

Duh!

Okay, Cooper, Cooper,

your bar is now located in

the DC mall in the food court.

- Really?

- Yeah.

See, if Cooper is

a deep cover agent

working for the

shadow government,

it only made sense that

he'd had some unassuming job

in close proximity

to the White House.

- The White House?

- Mm.

- Okay.

I mean, I've accepted

that you need

to take some dramatic license

to make this adaptation work,

but I always thought it

would still be about my bar!

- No, Cooper, no.

It is.

No, it is still about your bar.

Yeah.

I mean, what makes

Cooper's bar different

from all the other watering

holes in LA, New York or Cairo?

It's what?

- At this point, I have no idea.

- It's Cooper.

Cooper Marino.

That's what we bought.

We invested in the

irascible outsider

whose wisdom triumphs

over Hollywood insanity.

- But this is the exact

kind of Hollywood insanity

he's supposed to triumph over!

- I, just trust the

process, Cooper.

- The process.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, you're given

a piece of gold,

and polish it and you polish it,

and somehow, it's a turd.

- (laughing) I'm

sorry, that kills me.

See?

See that, that is hilarious.

No one could play this

part but you, Cooper.

- Guten tag.

I am Kris Latimer,

and I am excited to be

here as a gigantic worm.

(Antonia laughing)

- What is that?

- It's Heidi Klum as

the giant earthworm.

Cooper, it went viral.

It's comedy gold.

(palms clapping)

- Is that how you

see Kris Latimer?

- Well, like, I normally

would start with the shoes,

but in this case, I thought I'd

start with the invertebrate.

- I mean, it's so

good. (chuckling)

- I don't get it.

I don't.

Is Kris having a

nervous breakdown?

- This is,

this is when we

meet Kris Latimer

at Jeff Bezos' Halloween party.

- Cooper's at a party

at Jeff Bezos' house?

- Have you not been

reading the scripts?

Cooper, you're a

producer on this show.

You're expected to be

keeping up with everything,

even the scenes

that you're not in.

You still have to read them.

- Send Cassie a message:

Get Cooper current draft.

- I don't need a current draft.

I need to know who

approved all of this.

- Er, the director did.

- Oh, the, the, the director.

- Hey, Cooper.

- Aah! (bleep)

(upbeat drum music)

Ah, Billy Canasta, again!

- Right?

Surprise!

- Yeah.

What happened to

the Billy Canasta

who could make more

money off two TikToks?

- Er, Britt Lasker happened.

Come on, I'm not

a (bleep) idiot.

Look!

Who's not a big fan?

- Yeah, I shoulda known

the worm was your idea.

- Actually, that was Brittney's.

- Well, I mean, we were vibing.

Billy and I were just, you

know, hanging out, and it just,

it came to me,

and we were dying.

- Dying!

- I mean, we were

dying laughing.

- Dying.

- I mean, we were just like

Don't. Don't start!

(Billy laughing)

- Well, it's

Well, it's just, erm,

from a character standpoint,

Cooper's not the kinda guy

who's gonna go to a

billionaire's house

to party with a bunch of

sociopathic narcissists.

- Yes, Cooper.

We understand your character.

Obviously, he's not

at Jeff Bezos' house.

That's a sequence that

just features Brittney.

All of your scenes,

they take place here on the set.

- Here on this set?

- Mm hm.

- Well, who's gonna

wanna look at that?

- That's a fair point.

And TBH, Coop, we've

actually been talking

about cutting some

of these scenes.

- You're, you're

gonna cut my scenes?

The name of the show

is "Cooper's Bar".

- (sharp intake of

breath) Actually,

I think it's now

called "Brittney

Lasker's Cooper's Bar".

- I don't hate it.

Like, I'm fine with that, if-

- I love it.

- you guys are.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- I want to sit down with

Cyrus Long right now.

I'm not doing one more (bleep)

damn thing on this show

until he looks me in the eye

and explains to me what the

(bleep) is going on here!

- Okay, okay.

Yeah. No.

You got it.

I'll make sure the boss

can see you right now.

- Yes.

- Don't worry.

I got you.

Got you, Cooper.

- (sighing) I feel

like he's mad.

- Whatever.

- Is he mad?

- Sure. Who cares.

- I like your hair today.

- Oh, thank you.

- You just, you

seem angry, Cooper.

I mean, no one's

trying to upset you.

I'm certainly not

trying to upset you.

- I'm not upset.

I just want some clarity.

- Oh, well, I mean-

- Oh, Miss Lasker.

Miss Lasker, hi.

Do you want me to hire someone

for your on set masseuse,

or do you wanna interview them?

- Ah, just hire someone.

- Okay.

- They give you a masseuse?

- Oh, they will give

you literally anything

if you ask for it.

- Really?

- Pro tip. Yeah.

Do you need anything

from your dressing room

before we head in there?

- This is Brandon's

broom closet.

(mellow music)

Okay.

- LOL.

I did tell them I wanted

a dressing room four times

the size of yours,

but I was joking.

I was totally kidding,

and they did it.

This is (bleep) up, okay.

I'm

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You know what?

I'm gonna give you a lesson

in contract negotiations.

You come with me.

Come into my room. I'm

gonna show you my contract,

and then you are gonna

work (light music)

Freezing in here.

God!

- Wow.

D'you have kids?

- Ugh.

No.

Hate them.

Okay, so.

When I talked to Cyrus

Long about getting involved

in this project,

I did tell him that I would

need complete creative control.

- Total control?

- Yeah.

But like

Ahh!

I'm not gonna like, exercise

it or anything, you know.

I just wanna, you

know, like collaborate.

- So, really, there's no

need to talk to Cyrus.

I should just talk to you.

- Yeah.

You got it.

You know, cast mates together.

And if you need anything,

seriously, like just ask.

- Then cut Jeff Bezos' house.

- No.

- Hey.

- So good!

- Cyrus says he can see us now.

- Eh, it's okay. Ski it.

- Oh! Okay.

(chuckling) Great.

Aw, Cooper.

Your dreams, they're

coming true, right?

I mean, what would you

give to do a show about you

and your best friends, huh?

- Erm, my best friends.

- (chuckling) Stop!

Can we take a quick

selfie, please?

- Sure.

- Really?

- Come on.

(camera clicking)

- Wait. Hold on.

- That's nice.

- Hold on.

- Oh, you okay?

- Yup.

- Yup.

- Okay, ready?

(all screaming)

- Okay.

Alright.

- That's good.

That's good.

- I gotta go.

- Do the Nashville

filter on that.

- The Nashville? Okay.

- It's "Brittney

Lasker's Cooper's Bar",

directed by Billy Canasta,

starring a (bleep)

golden earthworm.

(slow jazz music)

- Okay, Cooper, come sit

down and have a drink.

- We shoulda moved to Buffalo

when we had the chance.

- That is not what you wanted.

This is your dream.

- No, Mary.

This is my nightmare.

Come on.

Ah!

(bleep)

(slow jazz music continuing)

(door slamming)

(mellow Hawaiian music)

(car engine purring)

(door slamming)

(suspenseful music)

(garden gate creaking)

(suspenseful music continuing)

(both shrieking)

- What the hell is

wrong with you, man?

- God, nearly (bleep) my pants.

- Your mission.

(both screaming)

Shh!

Cooper is asleep!

I told you to come

in like commandos,

not shriek like

frightened schoolboys.

- What the hell are

we doing here, Mary?

- Your mission is to

save Cooper's bar.

- He's hiring us back?

- No.

He can't, even if he wanted to.

Cooper lost control of the show.

- Ha.

That's what you get when

you fire your top writer.

- And director.

- And he never would've done it

if you two hadn't (bleep) up.

- I was the one who brought

Kris Latimer to the bar

in the first place.

- Dave, did you forget what

actually brings you happiness?

- Well, I've never

had any money,

but I presume that's the ticket.

- No, Dave, it's fame.

- No.

No.

You both are wrong, as usual.

What brings you

happiness is friendship.

- That's right!

It's friends with money!

- No.

Famous friends with money.

(both laughing)

- Sh, sh, sh!

You two are his secret sauce.

Cooper may have built the bar,

but it's you two who made it.

(dramatic music)

We have to prove to Cooper

that the spirit of Cooper's

Bar is alive and well!

(dramatic music continuing)

(suspenseful music)

- [Dave] Oh, god!

(suspenseful music continuing)

Go.

- Go where?

- [Dave] Go open

the bloody door!

(dog barking)

(suspenseful music continuing)

(crate clattering)

It's locked.

- [Mary] Did you

expect a red carpet?

- [Brandon And Dave] Aargh!

- [Dave] Bobby pin.

Cool. Can I do that?

- [Mary] As long

as you can do that.

- [Dave] Oh, why does this

always work in the movies?

- David, it's gonna be light

before you get us in there.

I'm gonna find another door.

- [Brandon] Good luck.

It's a secure facility!

- [Dave] Hey, Brandon,

go get those boxes.

Worse case scenario, I'm just

gonna pop this door knob.

- [Brandon] Okay.

(big band music)

- [Dave] Come on, you bugger.

Bloody hell.

I think I've got her.

- What the hell

is goin' on here?

- I'm David Butler, director.

I, I, I, I left my

viewfinder on the set.

You've got a great face.

You ever thought

of being an actor?

- Nope.

Who the hell are you?

- Brandon Washington, writer.

- I don't think so.

I know you.

You were

You used to work

at The Galleria.

- In another life.

- Didn't you get fired for

stealing a photo booth?

- Darryl?

- Brandon?

- Aw, man, what's up?

Oh, missed you, bro!

How you been?

- I been good, man.

Hey, you still donating

to the security guard's

benevolent fund, right?

- Hell, yeah, man.

My first writer's check's

goin' straight to them.

(garage door rattling)

- Oh, sh*t!

- Don't worry about her.

She with me.

- Alright, look.

Whatever Brandon

does is cool with me.

Just do me a favor.

Put the dollies back.

- My man.

- I ain't seen nothin'.

- Phew! Nice one, Brandon.

- Bonnie, Clyde.

- You're Bonnie, I'm Clyde.

- That ain't right.

- Get in here!

(suspenseful music)

(wheels trundling)

(furniture clattering)

- [Brandon] Oh! Damn!

Where the damn lights at?

- Looks like The Olive Garden.

- Mm.

I love their

never-ending breadsticks.

- Brandon.

Let's get to work.

(mellow Hawaiian music)

- Oh!

My bar!

It's my bar!

You, you built my bar

here in Culver City.

- Cooper Marino,

can I offer you a

goblet au Cabernet?

- I'm sorry, mate. We

love you and all that,

but we can't have you moping

around a naff pizza cafe.

- It looks really great.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Cooper, you have a vision.

Now go fight for it.

- Oh, my god.

(upbeat drum music)

Cooper.

What did you do?

What am I gonna tell Cyrus Long?

We start sh**ting tomorrow!

Oh, my god!

(lively music)

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there

is somethin more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there

is somethin more than I want ♪