01x03 - Skate Dad/100% No Stress Day

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Friday night!

Who's ready for the DTLA

Hot and Hard Festival?

Yeah!

I am not overpaying for pills

from a dude in a

porta-potty again.

[LAUGHS] We've got uppers,

downers, laughers, screamers,

tampons soaked in vodka,

and your favorite --

[GASPS]

Cherry MDMA bites!

And for me -- I stole this

from UCLA before I got fired.

Uh, you got anything

more Dad speed?

A glow stick, maybe?

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, a glow stick.

Josh! W-W-Wait,

you're drinking it?

Uhhh yeah.

I thought you guys were telling

me about a life hack.

That's awesome!

[CHANTING]

ALL: Hot and Hard! Hot and Hard!

Thanks for letting me

pretend like

I have enough free time

to go to a concert.

What a rush.

[GAGS]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[ON VIDEO]

MAN: Hmm, what do we have here?

Oh. It looks like

a piece of plastic?

It's a similar shape

as the toy

Ahh!

Morning, Candice.

May I present to you

Ta-da!

Eggs Bunny-dict!

[MUNCHES]

[BURPS]

Hmm.

Hey, you watching

an unboxing video, Candice?

[ON VIDEO]

MAN: We've this sort of, uh, spinner toy.

Let's see what

this is all about.

Candice, why don't you

just unbox this one?

This is better.

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's do something

we can both enjoy?

All right Candice, this guy

right here is Teddy Ruxpin.

Hi. Can you and I

be frieeeeennnnn

[SCREAMS]

Oh, dude!

[BEEPING]

Magic Eight Ball, are we having

a great time right now?

Huh?

[ON VIDEO] MAN: Yes, another twist tie!

Interesting choice

they made on that one.

Teddy, how am I gonna

bond with my daughter?

Let me die.

Hey, let's get rid of

this evil robot.

Might as well.

Candice doesn't want to do

anything I liked as a kid.

[GASPS] Whoa!

My old skateboard!

I used to love skating.

Whoa!

A body rollerskate!

Look, look! I'm a foot!

Hwuh, hwuh, hwuh, hwuh.

I haven't seen her this happy

since that coyote bit her

and she thought she was

gonna turn into a werewolf.

Candice, you want me

to teach you how to skate?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

[GASPS]

Skate Dad.

Big day, Candice!

I remember when my dad

took me to my first skate shop.

Sure, they're a little

grungy, a little cluttered,

but I'll be there to guide

you the whole way,

Wooooow.

- What up, what up, what up!

This guy knows what time it is!

Oh my God, Dad,

that's Bob Jonesworth! Dad?

[HORN HONKS]

[HORN BLARES]

All right, Candice,

you ready to go in?

Yeah!

Dad, why did you take me

to the Apple Store?

What the

Oh, check this out.

Bob Jonesworth bombing

Baxter Street.

[YELLING]

What a legend.

Someday, you'll be bombing hills

just like your dad used to.

Bob Jonesworth is my dad?

No. I'm your dad.

That's never mind.

What up, what up, what up!

This dude knows what time it is!

Oh, can I help you

with some watches?

What?

We're here to shred.

I'm looking for some

righteous decks!

Uh, righteous dicks?

No, man, a deck.

I want a skateboard.

Oh. You're gonna want

The Goosh.

Yo, Goosh!

Be right with ya, folks!

- Ohh!

- Oh, my God, wow.

I could do that.

Hey, I'm The Goosh.

Can I help you?

No doubt. No doubt, no doubt,

no doubt, no doubt.

Pardon me, sir?

Uh, we're looking for a

skateboard for our daughter.

Nice!

What's your name, shorty?

Candice. Why do they

call you "The Goosh"?

Because when I skate

it sounds like

Goooooosh!

[LAUGHS]

[FRUSTRATED GROAN]

So, can I help you

pick a deck, here?

No! We're good.

We'll do the picking.

You can just do the selling

or ringing up or whatever.

No help needed.

All right, Candice.

Choose wisely.

Mmmm

That one!

[OMINOUS SATANIC VOICE MUMBLING]

Oh my God, Josh,

that board is $100.

Well, this one's on sale.

Is that you?

Yeah! Well, no,

it's a picture of me.

The real me is right here!

Oh, hello, Goosh!

That's a little inappropriate

for children.

We'll take the Satan board.

[LAUGHS]

Daddy, can you teach me how to

ollie like "The Goosh?"

The cashier? Nah. He doesn't

know what he's doing.

- Can you Ollie?

- Oh, I dunno.

BOTH: Show us! Show us! Show us!

Okay, fine.

Watch and learn.

[SCREAMS]

[SIREN WAILING]

Taking notes, Tony Hawk?

That dude just got a*s knifed!

I'm fine. I'm not

done shredding yet.

Daddy, what's an a*s knife?

Uhh, that's a different lesson!

EMILY: Dang, Josh. I can't believe

they put a metal plate on your taint.

[SIGHS]

Skate Dad is skate sad.

At least I'm trying my best,

unlike my dad.

All he ever did was point

at his watch angrily.

I know it means a lot to Candice

that you're trying so hard.

"This guy got a*s-knifed.

We have to take him

to the hospital."

[IMITATES SIREN]

I'm gonna go show her

how to roll down that ramp.

Haha! You know what? Your

metal plate is kind of cool.

Does it hurt, though? The only thing

that's hurting is my heart,

because I can't be out there

helping Candice

realize her skate potential.

Now, let me be. These pain pills

should be kicking in any min--

[SNORES]

Skate Dad.

La La La La La La La La La ♪

La La La La La La

La La LA LA LA LA ♪

La La La La La ♪

La La La La ♪

La La La ♪

La La La La La ♪

La La La La ♪

La La La ♪

You suck.

Hey, what's going on?

Where are we right now?

Hey, Dad!

Check it out!

Wait, you taught Candice

to skate?

Nooo

Yo, Skate Dad!

Your kid's a natural!

[ECHOING]

Natural.

Josh!

What?

I knew how bad you wanted

Candice to learn to skate,

so I went back to the skate shop

and I signed her up

for a lesson.

You shred, Candy!

We'll have you

ollyin' in no time!

Thanks, Papa Goosh!

[ECHOING]

Papa Goosh.

THE GOOSH: Yeah!

great job, guys! Whooo!

So stupid.

Pff. Hmph.

[CHEERING]

Pfft.

I could do that.

Wah! Oof!

Candice!

You okay, Candy Cane?

I scraped my knee!

I got it.

[OMINOUSLY]

Now, I'm Skate Dad.

[LAUGHS EVILLY]

JOSH: That's it!

Come on, Emily.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

We're leaving.

Whoa, Sir-groiny Weaver,

where's this coming from?

I've had enough.

It's one thing that this guy

is teaching Candice to skate,

but now he's trying to

out-Skate-Dad me, too?

Aw, come on.

Hey, I can teach you, too.

It's a free class.

You know what, The Goosh,

you're full of it!

Enough with the nice-guy act.

Act? I'm nice.

I'm a nice guy.

We're gonna settle

this old-school.

Let's b*mb the gnarliest

hill in LA --

Baxter Street.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

No doubt.

No doubt. No doubt, no doubt.

Josh, this is insane!

Uh, excuse me, sir. Obviously,

you're a little agitated.

Skate Dad is not too old

to b*mb Baxter Street!

Josh!

What is wrong with you?

Why are you doing this?

Skate or die!

Whooo!

- Candice!

- Whoa!

I'm coming for you, baby!

Wait! I haven't taught you

about street bombing yet!

If anyone's gonna teach her,

it should be me, Skate Dad!

- Hang on, Candice!

- Ma'am!

What you're gonna want to do

is lean with the wind.

I'm scared, Goosh!

Don't tell The Goosh

you're scared. Tell me.

I'm your Dad!

Why are you doing this?

Why am I doing this?

This was supposed

to be my fun thing

that I get to do

with my daughter.

And this evil Goosh-bag

is trying to take

that away from me!

I don't need your help

'cause I know what time it is.

Huh?

Dude, listen.

My dad never took me skating,

and I'm trying to be a different

type of dad for Candice.

Goosh, thanks for your help,

but I have to do this myself.

Whoa, gnarly!

My old man never

took me skating.

I just took it up to reject him.

Respect, dude.

- No doubt.

No doubt. Goosh out!

Okay, I'll admit

that was pretty cool.

Daddy!

Candice, you have to stand up!

Okay.

I'm doing it!

[CHEERING]

Whoa!

Jump back!

I got you!

What?!

Just do it!

Come on, baby.

Hold together.

Oh, shi

Oh, no.

Josh, look out!

- [GASPS]

- [LAUGHS]

Go under!

Go under!

[GASPING]

[YELLING]

Over there!

[YELLING]

[CHEERING]

[GASPING]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah, Skate Dad! Yeah!

That man's no Skate Dad.

He's a Skate Father.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Well, all the tests came back.

And I hate to say it, but

there's nothing wrong with you.

Then how do you explain this?

Aah!

Or this?

Whaa!

I have seen this before

from patients under

a lot of pressure.

Have you been stressed?

- Me?

[PAPER RUSTLING]

[CLICKING]

[expl*si*n]

Sweet cashmere Jesus!

Hey, have you seen my vibrator?

-No.

[HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING]

Whoa!

Whoa! Whaa!

Nope.

All good in the 'hood.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I'd like to thank you guys for

givin' up part of your Saturday

to help me beta test

my new game.

Welcome to Ladder World!

[CLANKING]

[SCREECHING]

So we just climb the ladders?

Yeah.

[LAUGHING]

It's working!

It's working!

[SCREAMS] Help!

[GASPS]

Why would you put this

in the game, Josh?

Son of a glitch.

Oh, no! Kevin Costner's head

from "Waterworld"!

[GROWLS]

Get me out of here!

[GROWLING]

[ALL GRUNT]

[GROWLS]

I loved you in "Draft Day"!

[ALL SCREAM]

[ALL GROAN]

So, any feedback?

Great news.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Uh, you sure about that,

Pacquiao?

Dr. Glandz mentioned

some nonsense about stress,

but little does she know

I'm immune to it.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Ooh. Immune feels like

too strong of a word.

It's fine! I'm just

gonna make my to-do list

a ta-dow done list.

Where's my list?!

Um, maybe eating something

might make you feel better?

Uh

Oh, great!

We don't even have any food!

Hey, hey, hey.

It's okay.

We always have

the earthquake ham.

[FREEZER HUMMING]

[ECHOING]

Someone stole the friggin' ham!

- It's gonna be okay.

- Is it, Josh?

If an earthquake hits today,

guess what we're eating?

Each other!

- I don't know.

You're all too bony

for my taste.

Ha!

Found it!

- I'll take care of that!

- What? No!

You need a break.

Let me give you

a stress-free day.

This is a bad idea.

No, I promise I'll put

100% of my mind to it.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

My last fortune cookie did tell

me to "Trust Josh more."

Come with me.

It's time for you to loosen up.

No Stress is my middle name.

I had it legally changed.

I was high.

Man!

Em is gonna be so stoked

that we're breezing

through this list.

Last thing.

"Earthquake ham."

Next!

I'll take your finest $10 worth

of ham, my good man.

Pft, you busting my ba*ls, man?

Haven't you heard about

the SoCal ham shortage?

This local meat artisan runs

the only business in town

that still has ham.

How are you still hamming it up?

Oh, we always keep some around

in case of a shortage.

But then uh-oh! We have

to jack up our prices!

"Not stolen hams"?

Uh, no, it's Notschstolen.

Uh, from -- from Germany.

[LAUGHS]

Those guys are

ripping everybody off!

We're gonna go to that factory,

and we're gonna get a ham.

[HORN SQUEAKS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

They found me!

I don't know how,

but they found me!

Who?

The clowns!

ALEX: Okay, so the circus

was in town last week,

and I met some clowns

who never back down from a bet.

So, I told them,

"I bet you can't

make a giraffe."

[BALLOON SQUEAKS]

I was like,

"Ha! That's just a dog."

And he said, "Wait for it."

Long story short

I owe them 3 grand.

Dude!

[HORN SQUEAKS]

[GASPS]

Meat factory it is.

I have all my coupons organized,

so check-out should be fast.

[INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES SHARPLY]

[LAUGHS]

100% no-stress day.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[COUGHS]

Holy sh--

[COUGHING CONTINUES]

How long till this hits?

Soon-ish?

It all depends on your

[SLOW MOTION] tolerance.

[SLOW-MOTION LAUGHTER]

We gotta stay ♪

High, Ah-ah-ah,

ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪

Till I die ♪

Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪

I gotta stay ♪

High, ah-ah-ah,

ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪

Till I die ♪

Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪

I gotta stay ♪

High, ah-ah-ah,

ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪

Till I die ♪

Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪

I gotta stay ♪

High, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah ♪

[BEAR ROARS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[GASPS] Bridgette!

- [GROWLS]

- Aah!

[BREATHING SHALLOWLY]

Whoops, Emily.

Aah!

Me daughter teacher?

[♪♪♪]

Aw, sick!

Look at what they're

putting in the meat.

That is so gross.

Dude, look up there.

I bet there's hams in there.

[BOTH GRUNT]

Factory tour's on Thursdays.

Hello, sweetie.

I have the perfect place

for you.

[BOTH GROAN]

Wha-- W-where's Candice?

Where is she?!

Lil' Missy?

She's in a better place now.

[BOTH GASP]

Our Michelin-rated daycare center.

So you're the ones

behind the SoCal ham shortage.

You freakin'

hipster hamburglers.

Um, hamburglers

are an entirely different

and, frankly, rather cartoonish

kind of meat thief, okay?

This is

a professional operation.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

[CRASHES, GLASS SHATTERS]

MAN: Get the ham! Get the ham!

[LAUGHTER]

Our next scam -- buttholes!

And we're not even trying to

make them look like hot dogs.

And guess whose buttholes

are going in the next batch?

Two nosey nerds!

Ah, come on, man! Nerd?

That word means enthusiast,

and it's not derogatory!

- Aah!

[BOTH GRUNT]

[WHIRRING]

Aw, man.

There was only one item

left on the list.

Damn you, ham!

Aah! Aah!

[HEARTBEAT, ZAPPING]

[COMPUTER SOUND PLAYS]

[♪♪♪]

Thank you, brain.

[GRUNTING]

I'm limitless!

[♪♪♪]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Let's roll, b*tch.

Who are you?

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

Uh I can't believe we ran

into Candice's teacher.

He totally knows I'm high.

Relax.

He has no idea.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Wine?

No, thanks.

Please.

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

[INHALES SHARPLY]

[GASPS]

Weed?

I didn't do it!

Huh?

[STAMMERING]

[GASPING]

[♪♪♪]

Ohh!

b*tch, use your words!

[PANTING]

Dude, the ham!

Holy shoat.

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, how'd you know

"shoat" meant pig?

JOSH: I don't know, I just did.

No, I told you guys,

I deleted my Facebook.

You want to get

in touch with me,

you write a letter.

Hey, they're getting away!

No, no, no.

They got our hams!

After them!

[♪♪♪]

[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

So, I work too, which I want to,

'cause, you know, feminism.

I'm just trying so hard

to do a good job.

And you are!

But it won't feel like it

till you start doing things

for yourself.

I don't even know what I like.

Find out,

before you stab a b*tch.

You're right.

I've got to find my thing!

Go find it, girl.

Go find it.

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

[SLOW MOTION LAUGHING]

[JOSH GRUNTS]

Watch your freakin' driving!

[PANTING]

Hyah!

Aw, damn it!

[GRUNTS]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Red light, red light!

[BOTH SCREAM, TIRES SQUEAL]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Good, good, good.

Yeah, this is what

200 degrees feels like.

Feel the Fahrenheit.

[♪♪♪]

Red light, red light, red light!

[♪♪♪]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Move!

[♪♪♪]

I think we lost them.

Yes!

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING, SHOUTING]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, God.

[BREATHING SHARPLY]

[♪♪♪]

Dog!

[TIRES SCREECH]

That's no dog.

[HORN SQUEAKS]

[♪♪♪]

Head Thug:

No way out now, Jabronis!

Oh, geez! Oh, geez!

Aah!

[HEARTBEAT, ZAPPING]

[COMPUTER SOUND PLAYS]

[♪♪♪]

Okay, so the circus

was in town last week,

and I met some clowns

who never back down from a bet.

[GASPS]

Stripper clowns, hamburglers,

we bet our lives

[ALL GASPING]

that you can't beat us

in Ladder World!

[ALL GRUNTING]

[ALL GRUNTING]

[COUGHING]

[WEAKLY] Emily.

What's happening?

You have to take my place

in Ladder World.

We bet our lives.

They'll k*ll us all.

How do I even play?

Just climb ladders.

[ALL GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

Wait, this is actually

kind of fun.

[LAUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

Gotcha!

Aah!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Whoo-hoo!

[♪♪♪]

That was on purpose!

[BEEPING]

I won?

[LAUGHS]

Yes!

[LAUGHS]

Amazing!

I feel incredible!

[BOTH SMOOCH]

Can't we just k*ll them?

Respect the bet!

Whoa. Is this my thing?

Video games?

Guess who's

zero-percent stressed?

- Yeah!

- Yahoo!

Whoo!

[LAUGHS]

Bridgette, where were you?

I've actually been outside

talking to the hottest guy

right now.

Anybody want to see me

make a Brontosaurus?

Yeah!

- Do not let him do that!

- No, no, no, no, no.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH GRUNTING]