01x05 - Robot Tutor/Golden Gamer

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: Sand.

Bone.

Sand.

Bone.

Sand.

Bone.

Sand & Bone.

You deserve it.

[HORNS HONKING, SCREAMING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[SIGHS] We probably shouldn't

watch this while driving.

But I'm so excited!

I can't believe your boss

is gonna let us stay

at his sweet beach condo.

TOGETHER: Spring break!

[HORN HONKING]

Whoa. [CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Mommy! You ready to have

a week of fun on the beach?

Yeah!

Mr. Campbell just wants

to ask you something

about whether you care

if I stay at this school or not.

So, do you guys care if Candice

stays at the school or not?

TOGETHER: Yes!

Oh, okay, just checking.

Some parents are just

out of sight, out of mind.

You know?

[CHUCKLES]

So Candice needs to

step it up then.

She's been failing

all her recent tests.

How could Candice

test so poorly?

Well, it's possible

she's just

you know only cute.

[GASPS]

My daughter is not cute.

I mean not just cute.

What can we can do to fix this?

Hello, I'm Brainio.

A state-of-the-art robot tutor.

Let's improve your test scores.

It's no big deal.

We'll just bring him

on Spring Break with us.

Uh, actually,

the loan-out company requires

Brainio to stay at

your residence for charging.

So we can't go anywhere?

I mean, you are free

to go anywhere.

Like to her old school.

Children, please! I paid for

this bus with my own money!

Josh, we can't let her

go back to that school.

Ah! People make too big a deal

about test scores.

Candice is fine.

I wrote my name!

[BOTH INHALE SHARPLY]

[GROANS]

I can't believe that sweet condo

is just gonna sit

empty all week

I mean, it doesn't have to.

Oh. Right. You and Alex

should go in our place.

Yes! Thank you! Alex?

I don't know. My idea of

vacation is not lounging

on some overly-manicured beach.

Mmm, that's too bad.

I was reading this article

about divorce sex

and thought we could try it.

I'll get my swim suit!

Oh. [GIGGLES]

[SIGHS]

We were gonna have

satisfactory marriage sex,

and they're gonna have

gross hot divorce sex.

It's gonna be so weird

and confusing.

Hey, we can have weird

and confusing sex here.

I say we do

a Spring Break at home.

An at-home-cation.

I'm too bummed

to have a spring break.

We lost the condo,

and Candice isn't smart.

I need to grieve.

Whoo!

Aw! Come on, man.

[LAUGHS]

One of the boys got out.

He's excited.

Spring Break!

[TROPICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[EMILY SIGHS]

Josh?

Where's that music coming from?

Hi, Mommy! I can read

the letters of the alphabet!

That's great!

Hey, you're just in time

for the wet T-shirt contest.

Whoo!

Wow.

Josh, this is awesome!

Okay, you're right.

As long as Candice

is happy and doing well,

we'll give this

at-home-caytion a shot.

Speaking of shots!

TOGETHER: At-home-caytion!

[BUZZING]

Uh-oh.

Everything okay, Candice?

The questions are too tough.

Greg and Suzie are children,

not childs.

And now because you got

an incorrect answer,

a word from our sponsors.

ANNOUNCER: Does your head hurt

because your daughter

is struggling in school?

I'm a failure as a mother.

You deserve a foot massager

from Toe Town!

Press the screen to buy now.

We can't afford a foot massager.

It's vacation!

We can splurge!

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

BRIDGETTE: Sand!

Bone.

Sand.

Bone?

Ooh, that is hot.

- Right?

- Wait, wait, wait.

Do that again.

Well, why don't you

put your phone down

and get in the shell?

There's a pearl in here.

I'm talking about

my uncircumcised p*nis.

It's a director's cut --

no cuts and longer

than it needs to be.

[SIGHS] Chill! We're gonna

be here all week.

I just want to post this

real quick

so it actually happened.

[GROANS] Do you have

to do this right now?

Yes! This is

prime posting time.

If I post it now

and tag the location,

it has a chance of showing up

in the Sand & Bone story,

which puts it in front of

like 10,000 more followers,

which means more traffic.

Hey, wanna come

try out the new hammock?

If you close your eyes, it feels

like you're in Costa Rica.

- Yes!

- No.

- Ugh.

- She almost got one right.

Here is an easy one.

Which of the following sentences

contains a prepositional phrase?

A prepo-what?

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

ANNOUNCER: Prepositions got you down?

Prepo-who cares?

Maybe it's time for

a prepo-zip-line vacation

in Costa Rica!

These questions

are kind of hard.

I mean, even a smart kid

couldn't get them.

Well, what's that supposed

to mean?

[GASPS] No-nothing.

I mean

This stupid robot

is ruining my life!

Josh, I didn't mean it!

It just slipped out.

Let me go talk to her.

School is important,

but it's better to just find

something

you're passionate about.

For me, it was video games.

I wouldn't worry too hard

about the test.

Thanks, Dad.

Okay, now, do you see here

where it says we need

a password to access him?

Do you remember what the most

common password is I taught you?

Oh, yeah, one, two,

three, for, five.

DEEJAY: Let me hear

you say Divorsay!

Divorsay!

ALEX: Look at these

smartphone idiots.

They might as well be living

in the g*dd*mn Matrix.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

You're preaching to

the drum circle.

[CHUCKLES]

I just refuse to contribute

to this mind-numbing behavior

that has stopped us

from connecting as people.

Oh, are you looking

to connect with people?

Mm.

Oh.

Oh. All right.

Ooh.

Uh, uh.

Ah.

Hey.

You're not gonna ask me

if I believe in the Lord

of Light, are you?

[LAUGHTER]

Do you?

What are you doing here?

I thought we were going

to sand and bone.

Why? So you can tape it and see

how many likes you get?

I'd rather connect

with an actual person.

This is Toluca Lake.

She lives in a yurt,

a totally unplugged lifestyle.

I don't even have a toilet.

Well, toilets

don't plug in, so

A toilet plugs

into the sewer system,

which pollutes the ocean.

Isn't she great?

[SCOFFS]

Are you really going to turn me

down for Suzie's of Maine?

I'm actually from Oregon.

It was an actual deodorant joke!

I remember these jealous rages

from when we were married,

and you know what?

Not interested!

And I remember your need for

approval from female randos!

[LAUGHS]

Good one about the toilet, too.

Ooh, that really pissed her off.

Wow, you were not kidding.

[DINGING]

[GROANS]

What's with all that dinging?

[GASPS]

Dinging!

Correct!

What's going on?

Hi, Mommy.

I'm smart now.

Of course you're smart.

I'm so sorry that

I made you feel bad.

[DINGING]

Congratulations.

All levels are complete.

God bless America ♪

Aah! Do you know

what this means?

TOGETHER: Spring break!

Hey, guys!

Sand & Bone is amazing.

Hashtag so happy! Hashtag 100%

of my life is spent being happy!

[SIGHS]

Well, look who's here.

Hairball Houdini

and Smelly Duvall.

We only came here

so Toluca can use the bathroom.

We discovered something

living in her pit.

[HISSING]

Well, that's its home now.

Of course.

Let's respect all creatures.

I'm going to go hit your pit.

[GROANS]

We didn't even have sex.

We just talked all night.

I thought divorce sex

was supposed to be fun.

I read that blog post.

It says that it's only fun

if there's no strings attached.

We've still got strings.

Yeah. Truce?

Truce.

The Spring Break crew

has arrived!

- No way!

- Oh, my God,

this place is ridiculous!

[GASPS] I heard the bathroom

has a wine fridge.

What happened?

Are you done with the robot?

Yeah! Candice

crushed her tests.

So we bailed on Brainio

for Sand and Bone-io!

CANDICE: Hey, Dad, did you order

something from Brainio?

No. Why?

Violation! Violation!

Violation!

- Aah!

- Yo, yo, yo!

There is a woman covered

in filth in the bathroom.

That's me.

Am I just drunk or is that the

sounds of evil robot drones?

[♪♪♪]

[SCREAMING]

This wasn't in the video!

What is happening?

And why are we

on La-Z-Boy chairs?

Pleather makes me rashy.

See, this is why

you live unplugged.

Everyone close your eyes

and repeat after me.

"I am in my body.

I am in my body. I am --"

[SCREAMS]

A quick brain scan told me

that she was annoying.

I merely stunned her

into a sleep-like state.

Josh Singleton, you have

violated the lease agreement

by hacking Brainio

and bypassing the commercials.

Josh, what is he talking about?

Candice and I changed his code

to make Candice

get all the answers right.

What?!

Since you tried beating the system,

you'll pay the price

by watching commercials forever!

That's inhuman!

Yeah! Streaming got rid

of commercials,

and I do not want to go back

to the dark ages.

I should of never gotten her

that robot tutor.

We should've just pushed her

towards sports.

Candice, what are you doing?

Proving I'm not dumb!

Ah, no matter,

I'm password protected.

You'll never guess my --

[BEEPING]

Uh, guys, there are a lot

of buttons with letters on them.

Find the one that says

"self-destruct," sweetie.

Uhh

- Just reading about self-esteem.

- Self

A, B, C, D, E, F, G. D

Hey, my Estruct T-shirt

just came in the mail.

Not sure what it means,

but I like it.

Self-destruct.

Self destruct!

[ALARM BLARING]

No!

Ironically, I am proud of her!

[♪♪♪]

To Candice.

Our smart little girl.

I'm proud of this one, too.

Three hours without

checking her phone once.

How about it?

[SIGHS] Yeah, it died,

and I can't find any plugs.

[LAUGHS]

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Uh-oh.

Uh hi, Mr. Salt.

Hi, Emily.

I'm just calling to see

how you're enjoying the condo.

[LAUGHING]

Oh.

Yeah, it's such

a beautiful place.

Aw, that's great to hear.

So, uh, where is it?

ALEX: But every time that boulder

got to the top of the mountain,

it rolled back down.

LEE: Yeah, that's right, girl.

Uh, we'll go

to the cemetery later.

Um, they're playing that movie

"Goonies," right?

So we can hook up

on my nana's grave.

It'll be so romantic.

Lee, I told you --

you can't be on the phone!

It's called grave throbbing.

Lee!

Wait, hold up, girl.

Yo, what's up, Dorp?

It's "Professor Dorpenberger."

Oh, sorry, Dorp.

Hey, can you throw this

in the trash for me?

Um, I got a b*ner right now,

so it's, like I don't want

anybody to see it --

unless you want me to.

Lee, I am legally

not allowed to hit you.

Okay.

I am dead inside.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

DANTE: People are starving

all over the world,

and this dude is getting

a TV installed on his yacht?

America is so cool.

Hey, just come on up, guys!

[LAUGHS]

Josh Singleton?!

Uh yeah?

Dude, Josh!

It's me -- Keith Nash!

Nash Man Games?

No way!

I haven't seen you since

you sold your game "Heli Man"

and became heli-rich.

We just sold 100 million copies

of our latest app,

got voted best video game

company of the year,

[SINGSONG VOICE] and check out

who made the cover!

[NORMAL VOICE]

No retouching at all.

Back in the day,

we used to worship this guy.

What guy?

This guy?

His game "Dudeman"

was the shizz!

How much you sell that baby for?

You know, it's not finished.

It might never be finished.

Artist!

Dude, I love it!

[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]

Look, I better take off.

I'm doing this sold-out

keynote speech at E3.

[SNORTS]

Did it last year.

Well, anyway, thanks

for plugging in my TV!

Just make sure to lock up

when you're done!

I think this is actually

pretty retouched.

[LAUGHTER]

[GRUNTS]

And these 90-degree angles

should get you to remember

the Pythagorean theorem!

[GRUNTING]

[CHEERING]

Oh, my God. She just makes me

want to learn.

Wow.

That was amazing.

Yeah, I can't feel my arms,

but at least my students

are learning math.

I can't get my students to

pay attention to a word I say.

Kids today need a gimmick,

or you won't

break through to them.

[♪♪♪]

I guess when I taught at UCLA,

the students loved

my special lecture

as Professor Dorpen-Borat.

[EUROPEAN ACCENT]

Joan of Arc was hot.

She burned at stake.

Wah, wah, wee, wah!

My buddy's a professor at Yale,

and he changed his class

to Stunting Through History --

ditched his whole curriculum

for stunts.

[CHUCKLES]

You do what you got to do.

Hmm.

ALEX: So, Icarus took

the handmade wings

and, ignoring

his father's sound advice,

flew towards the sun --

just as I will now fly

across these two buildings.

Hey, that's

a pretty long jump, Dorp.

I hope you have insurance.

I don't need insurance.

[CHUCKLES]

[WHISPERING]

But I kind of wish I had it.

Hey, what's the holdup, Dorp?

Are you doing this or not?

Oh, I'm doing this.

I'm so doing this.

And you

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

will be

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

engaaaaaaaged!

[SIGHS]

Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Oh! Whoa! Aaah! Ooh!

Aaaaaaah!

Ungh! Aaaaaaaaaah!

[SIRENS WAILING]

[ALEX GROANING]

Shh, shh, shh. It's okay.

That's okay.

Yo, Dorp, what's your Instagram,

so I can tag you?

[♪♪♪]

NASH: His game "Dudeman"

was the shizz!

[ECHOING]

Shizz!

[♪♪♪]

[COMPUTER WHIRS]

[BEEP]

D-- D-- Dudeman!

Pfft. Of course.

[♪♪♪]

D-- D-- Dude--

[♪♪♪]

D-- D-- Dude--

Ugh!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

[DISTORTED]

Dudeman.

Ugh!

Hey, bro.

Long time, no see.

What the

Where you been, bud?

Why'd you bail on me?

I didn't bail!

Dude!

You were so close!

[♪♪♪]

JOSH: Yeah, but don't you

remember the presentation?

I give you "Dudeman"!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

D-- D-- Dudeman!

[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS, SKIPPING]

This game isn't even finished?

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

Uh, that's not supposed to --

Hang on.

Oh, man!

Boo!

Let's go check out

"Helicopter Man"

or whatever

that one game was called.

[THUD ECHOES]

It was the worst moment

of my life.

Come on, bro!

[BLIPPING]

It's time you finally

finished this game!

Yeah, but I don't know

what to do for the last level.

That's because

you're all old now.

If you want to come up

with better ideas,

you got to get in touch

with your 20-year-old self.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS]

[♪♪♪]

[ENGINE REVS]

Bodacious!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

ALEX: Ahh! Thanks for

introducing me to your friend.

One of my students

posted this video on Instagram,

and it's humiliating.

Ungh! Aaaaaaaaaah!

The Internet has made us

all ruthless animals.

Hold up!

Oh, right.

Mm-hmm.

Good to go.

Ooooh! Ugh!

Whoo!

Ugh! [GROANS]

What a rush!

There she is.

She was married to the greatest

stuntman of all time.

Genevieve?

Well, well, well.

You got a lot of nerve

showing up here

after keeping

our security deposit.

Uh

Oh, my God!

[BOTH LAUGH]

We used to do that bit

all the time at the apartment.

I miss those days.

You must be Alex.

Eh, yeah.

I heard you need some help

with a stunt.

Follow me.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

Josh?

[♪♪♪]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[BELCHES]

Josh!

What did you do?!

[CHUCKLES]

I did everything --

partying, skating,

and doing the 'do!

Remember how cool these were?

No one remembers that, Josh!

Why are you doing this?

I'm just trying to finish

my old game, "Dudeman"!

"Dudeman"?! That's why

you've been out all night?!

Haven't you ever wondered

what our lives would be like

if I hadn't given up?

Well, as soon as

I'm a little less wasted,

we're gonna find out!

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

GENEVIEVE: This is the stunt library.

Every great stunt ever performed

is immortalized in these walls.

ALEX: "The Joys

of Almost Dying"?

"Circumcision by Fire"?

"100 Word Jumbles"?

That shouldn't be in here.

Whoa!

Interesting choice.

That stunt

began in ancient Egypt

with a man trying to get

the attention of a handmaiden.

The French had their spin on it,

the Chinese after them,

and so on.

What's it called?

The Widow Maker.

[♪♪♪]

We all want eyes on us,

but if we're reckless,

it comes with a huge price.

No, no, no.

You're right.

JK! I'll do it!

[LAUGHS]

Wait! I was trying to

talk you out of it, you idiot!

[ENGINE REVS]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[♪♪♪]

[ENGINE IDLING]

Well, congratulations, dummy.

You got a PhD from Stanford

so you could die

doing this stunt

for some

community college dum-dums

who threw a paper at you.

Okay!

So, today, we're learning

about the greatest widow maker

of all -- Zeus!

Dorp!

Man, don't do it.

I thought you guys wanted this.

I mean, we love

seeing dudes do stupid sh*t,

but you're our boy, Dorp.

I'm your boy?

It's like that dude Sisyphus.

He kept trying to push

that car up the mountain,

but he couldn't handle it,

and he quit.

Eh, technically,

Sisyphus couldn't quit.

But you know what?

You got most of it.

Well, check this out, Dorp.

You're our Sisyphus.

Wah, wah, wee, wah.

You know, it's kind of --

[ENGINE REVS]

Whoa!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoooa!

Aaaaaaaaaah!

Ugh!

[GRUNTING]

[SIRENS WAILING]

Dorp!

What is it, Lee?

I'm-a post this right quick.

[GRUNTING]

[STRAINED]

Go for it, man.

Ohh! So, there's not

gonna be any stunts?!

[ENGINE REVS]

Who wants to see me drop-kick

this jump in the d*ck?!

Uh-oh.

[CHEERING]

[CHEERING, ENGINE REVS]

Josh! Buddy!

You maybe want to consider

not doing this?

Consider this!

Whoo-hoo!

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Okay.

That is pretty cool.

Josh! Stop!

Dad!

Ramirez!

We should go grab a drink

after I crush this stunt!

Josh, get off that thing!

You're gonna k*ll yourself!

I'm not getting off!

I don't want to be

a failure anymore.

What?!

You're not a failure.

Psh! Current-day you

is a total failure!

Unless you finally

finish your game!

[ENGINE REVS]

Josh! Look at me.

You're not a failure.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING]

Oooooooh ♪

Oooooooo-o-oh ♪

You're right.

I'm sorry.

I guess I thought

this was the only way

that I could fulfill my dream,

but dreams change.

What?! No!

We want the fame, the fortune,

the cover of the magazine!

Aah!

Ugh!

[GROANING]

Stop it!

What the hell?

Ugh! Ow!

I'm not going back

to that hard drive!

[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL]

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

This is it!

This should be

the last level of the game!

No way!

Game over, Dudeman.

No! Wait!

I'd rather hang out

with my family!

Ugh!

Nooooooooo!

Hwuah-ah-ah!

"F" you, Josh!

"F" yoooooou

[ENGINE REVS]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Yeah!

We're gonna

talk about this later!

[ALL GASP]

Like Icarus,

that dude flew

way too close to the Sun.

[HIGH-PITCHED]

Aw!

[♪♪♪]