01x06 - So Long Boys/Clap Like This

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[HORROR MOVIE MUSIC PLAYS]

[THUNDER CRACKS]

[♪♪♪]

[URINATING]

Oh, my God, oh, my God,

oh, my God!

Ohh.

How did this happen?

You know how this happened!

ALL: Surpri-- Oh.

What are they doing?

We're just doing our taxes,

sweetie!

Stupid taxes!

I mean, just because we have

no money

and we live with a divorced

couple in a cramped apartment,

we could squeeze in

another kid, right?

I'd just get a second job

and give up my dream.

There are plenty of video games

in the world already.

Oh, my God, triplets!

What if it's triplets?!

Em, chill out.

Read a magazine.

[THUNDER CRACKS] The Octomom!

I will cut you!

Okay.

Let's take a deep breath.

No matter what happens,

we'll be fine.

Do you mean that?

No.

[THUNDER CRACKS]

Oh, thank God.

Whoa. Whoa.

Okay. So

We're not having a baby.

No, no, no. No.

From now on,

we're super careful.

Vasectomy party!

Whoo!

[ALL CHEERING]

[♪♪♪]

You're cut off from planning

any more parties.

Whoo!

Super careful!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Isn't Josh a little young

to get his wang danged?

I would never let anyone

touch my junk.

No one has so far.

Oh, I walked right

into that burn.

I had a vasectomy last year

because I'm sick of this

double standard

where women are expected

to destroy their bodies

for birth control.

[CHUCKLES] I can't believe

I'm meeting a single guy

in L.A.

who isn't a total nutjob.

I also got it on account of

the government's evil plan

to have us overpopulate the

United States for tax revenue.

All I can say is that

when we thought

we were having another baby,

we freaked.

And Josh was so determined

to be a responsible adult.

He's never like that.

[CHUGGING]

How did Candice take it?

We sort of didn't tell her.

Ugh, what even is

a vasectomy party,

and why can't I go to it?

Honey, no one would have a party

for that.

Sweet vasectomy party, bro!

What is wrong with people?

Well, time to go.

Do you still feel good about it?

Totally.

We weighed all the pros

and cons.

[♪♪♪]

Wow. I've never seen you

this responsible before.

It's kind of sexy.

Responsible and sexy.

It's the new me.

Let's do it.

I love our family.

I also love our family.

Yeah.

Call me after.

Ahhhh, the Calabasas

Urology Center.

Before the old vasectomy,

I'd make a lot of "deposits"

here. Haha.

Maybe we shouldn't have

the type of friendship

where you tell me everything.

It's very rare for a man

of your age to be this sure,

but your wife

probably made you, right?

No. It was my choice.

Weird.

So, you're gonna be my surgeon?

No, the process is

completely automated with AI.

Top-of-the-line robots

from Boston!

Go, Sox!

There's no room for human error!

Now, imagine these grapes

are your testes.

And this little guy over here

is your vas deferens.

Well, at least vasectomies

are reversible, right?

Haha!

Not the way we do it.

Ooof.

Ooof.

You know, we have a protocol

for nervous patients like you.

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYS]

I can't believe Candice

used to fit in these.

Did we just make

the hastiest decision ever?

I always thought

you'd have like seven babies.

And I'm not saying it

'cause you're "Mexican,"

but because I know

you love being a mom.

You can say something about

Japanese people if you want.

[LAUGHS] You under arrest

for being r*cist!

Wait

you have the keys, right?

[LAUGHS]

[CRYING]

This is officially the worst

brunch I've ever been to.

Do you think I rushed into this?

Eh, no more than usual.

Ooh, talking sperm!

[IRISH ACCENT] So long, boys!

Enjoy the ride.

DR. FERGUSON: Is a vasectomy

right for you?

Who doesn't want to bring more

bundles of joy into the world?

[BABY CRYING]

Did you know the average baby

goes through

2,700 diapers a year?

With that money, you could've

bought one of these.

[ENGINE REVS]

[♪♪♪]

[SNARLS]

Say goodbye to your sleep!

[BOTH SCREAM]

FEMALE VOICE: We're still in love.

Why are you ruining this?

Hey, put your hands up!

[BOTH LAUGH]

Stop!

It's only danger ahead!

DR. FERGUSON: And, you know,

those little bundles of joy

eventually grow up.

Owww, stop it!

I'm telling Dad!

Am I crazy, or do those kids

look just like me?

I ate too much pizza.

[BOTH RETCH]

See?

That's why I'm not having kids.

All kids get sick.

You just clean it up.

Have another son

and your life is done ♪

Have another daughter,

put your finances underwater ♪

Pretty terrifying

journey, right?

Now, how about your pubic area?

Do you want it shaved clean

or shaped

into a little triangle?

Also, for an extra $50,

I can make a custom design!

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Uh you know what?

I'm having second thoughts.

I -- I just want to call

my wife one more time.

Damn it. Of course you can't get

a good connection

at a vasectomy clinic.

I know Emily was into

this whole thing,

but seeing a brother

and sister together

made me think we're

rushing into this decision.

What the?

[♪♪♪]

Ahhhhh!

Please don't m*rder us!

Huh?

Huh?

[CRYING]

It's like her whole childhood

is in these boxes.

What if I'm not ready

to tape up boxes?

What if I have more boxes to

pack with other kids' clothes?

I gotta get to that clinic!

Is this gonna take much longer?

Lord, I'm pretty drunk,

so I don't know.

- Close the door!

- You guys are real?

I can't believe

you're not animatronic.

Your movements are just beyond.

Thanks.

We actually moved to Los Angeles

to pursue a career

in poppin' and lockin'.

But now we can't pop and lock

because Dr. Ferguson has us

on an exclusive contract!

What did your parents say?

Our mom thought it would

be good for our careers.

And we've never met our dad.

He was just a sperm donor.

Sperm donor?

I guess some parents

aren't meant to raise kids.

ALEX & CAMERON: Especially because

of the government conspiracy

to overpopulate the planet.

DR. FERGUSON: Mr. Singleton?

I've got the crotch

Novocain ready.

Quick! Hide!

I don't know what to do, man.

Something's telling me

do not get a vasectomy!

My feelings about all this

have changed, too

now that I'm a father!

Wait. What do you mean

you're a father?

Um look at them!

It doesn't take Rizzoli and/or

Isles to figure this out.

DR. FERGUSON: You better not be

popping and/or locking in there!

Oh, no, uh

Kids who can pop and lock

are a dime a dozen

in L.A.

Uh, M-Mr. Singleton!

The robots are ready for you!

Does he always talk to you

like that?

Well, sometimes he shows us

new pubic-hair designs.

Those are the tough days.

No more tough days for you!

We're busting you outta here!

And I will be there for you!

From now on!

Whatever you need, just ask me!

Is he always like this?

I'm not sure what's happening

with him right now.

I can't find the patient.

Oh.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[GASPING]

W-- I -- Oh, no.

[ALARM BLARES]

Josh! Huh?

Excuse me?

I'm trying to find my husband.

[BOSTON ACCENT]

ROBOT: Never heard of the guy.

Get back in your car.

Ahhhh!

Come on.

Let's get this vasectomy party

started.

[♪♪♪]

Hey!

[GRUNTS]

Come on, let's get out of here!

Get back here, bro.

[♪♪♪]

Consider your family!

Consider your future!

Consider Nomar

for the hall of fame!

Consider this!

[GRUNTS]

Whoa, that was awesome!

Josh?

Emily!

What are you doing here?

I was looking through

all of Candice's old clothes.

I'm not ready to commit

to no more kids.

I feel the same way.

But wait

I thought you were really

into me being responsible?

Us communicating like this

is responsible.

We'll talk more

about this later!

[♪♪♪]

Aah! Oh, my gosh.

So, the robots enslaved you, too?

Yes! Well, I mean,

I get to go home every night.

Were you at least

gonna call the cops?

Hey, I was going to, all right?

Well, if being complicit

is wrong,

then strike me down right now!

[ALL GASP]

Don't worry, kids.

Dad's gonna protect you.

Wait, what?

You're not our dad.

Our dad's a Republican

senator from Florida.

So embarrassing.

I mean, if you don't believe us,

check the database.

[♪♪♪]

Noooooooo!

[♪♪♪]

Enough pissing around.

Time to make it final.

No reversies.

No call-backs.

Wait!

Over here!

[♪♪♪]

[SCREAMS] No one hurts the children

I briefly thought were my own!

Silence! You're getting

this procedure, bro!

Sorry, robots.

We make our family decisions

as a family!

[GRUNTS]

You are worse than Jeter.

Go, Sox!

[BEEPING]

Dying sounds.

[LAUGHTER]

You two are free to pop and lock

wherever you wish!

Ohh, I-I know I'm not your dad.

But you two have

a bright future ahead of you.

If you ever need anything,

I live in a closet in Los Feliz.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, what do you say

we celebrate

by doing our taxes later?

I've got some serious exemptions

I'd like you to take.

I don't know what that means,

but I'm in!

I'm sorry that you don't have

any Dorpenbabies

running around out there.

Eh, I'm not worried about it.

I decided to reverse

my vasectomy,

and I made a little deposit

at ba*ls Fargo.

[CHUCKLES]

And I need another drink.

Oh, there will be

Dorpenbabies in the future

and they will be glorious.

[♪♪♪]

[SNIFFING, SNARLING]

[YELPING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Okay. What do all people love

to do with their hands?

Masturbate!

Damn, you took my answer.

[CHUCKLES]

I-I was gonna say clap.

This

is "Clap Like This."

[BOTH LAUGHING]

It's so addictive!

I can't not clap!

It's got everything --

GPS, remote screen sharing,

uh, clapping.

Ooh, yeah.

I'm gonna getcha.

I'm gonna getcha!

Ha!

[BELL TOLLS]

Yes!

[LAUGHS]

You suck!

Yeah, maybe.

But you know what doesn't suck?

This game!

This game!

So, this means

you're buying my game?

Yes, we're buying your game.

Six figures!

Buying it!

Seven.

A thousand dollars?!

[SCOFFS] No.

A million dollars.

We only count the numbers

on the left side of the decimal.

[LAUGHS]

[ALL CHEERING]

Shaky! Shaky! Shaky!

Yeah! Finally,

some white guys are making it!

Yeah!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Hey! Hey!

Where's my rich family?

Daddy!

Congratulations, honey!

Thank you.

I got sushi shaped like steak.

And I got steak

shaped like sushi.

Let's throw them both away.

We can do that now!

I bought some other stuff, too.

A new bike!

Cool!

And I got myself something, too.

[HEAVY GUITAR STRUMS]

Oh! I just realized we can

finally get our own house

all to ourselves.

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

Rich guy answering the phone!

Dev! Mel!

Whaddup?!

Bad news, bud.

We're not gonna be buying your game.

What?!

Uh hey, I'm gonna

go take this call

in the bathroom for no reason.

[FOOTSTEPS RUNNING, DOOR SLAMS]

What do you mean

you can't buy the game?

We told our boss, Richard,

and he flipped out.

He told us we're

just glorified assistants

who can't buy anything.

But you're not?

You can buy my game, right?

No, we're just

glorified assistants

who can't buy anything.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Don't!

Don't!

So much for rich family.

Uh, guys?

Everything okay?

No, it's not.

Uh because

Candice isn't riding

on the pony I got her!

[HORSE WHINNIES]

Whoa!!

Yeah! [HORSE WHINNIES]

Aah! Uh-oh.

[♪♪♪]

[GLASSES CLINK]

Happy birthday.

Thank you. I'm so glad

you can afford this now.

Shopping, barrel-aged

c*ck, and, oh!

You have to check out

the bathroom.

They 3-D print your toilet.

Single use.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

I'm gonna go throw up.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Hey, Mom.

I can't believe my baby's 26.

Okay.

Make it quick,

I've got a champagne

vaginal steam at the spa in 20.

Well, your vag*na might have to

stay dry because ta-da!

You're cut off!

I'm cut off?

We were all cut off

when we turned 26, Bridge.

That's what pushed us

to do well.

How will I buy stuff and the

drink stuff and party stuff?

Your grandma had a saying.

"Once the little bird

is ready to fly,

it must get a job!"

Anyway, happy birthday,

sweet pea!

So, long story short,

Emily thinks we're millionaires,

and I need my job back

and as many shifts

as you can give me.

I don't care.

Sure. Okay.

Also, I've got a lot

of credit-card debt now,

so if you've got any extra

installations I could do --

Thanks, Ezra.

I won't let you down.

It doesn't matter to me.

[♪♪♪]

And we're only interested

in that 23 life.

We like to say, "If you're 23,

you're fine with me.

If you're 24,

just k*ll yourself."

I am so 23.

Hmm.

I can feel that.

And that's why I want you

to be the face of Forever 23.

[GASPS]

Wait, I'm just folding shirts?

What happened to being

the "Face of 23"?

You are the face.

You're just the face

in the back

with the blinds closed

in darkness.

Just peel and fold the blouses

off that wad of irregulars.

You can clock out

at midnight. Bye!

Ugh.

[♪♪♪]

[STRAINING]

[GROANS]

Curve the TV!

I want it to look like IMAX.

But you ordered a flat screen.

Dad!

Hey! Plugboy!

Do what my kid wants.

Yes, Mr. Hasselhoff.

That's "Bay Watch" money.

Cool.

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

Ramirez!

Josh, we just bought

a V.I.P. pass to the aquarium,

and it's amazing!

- Hi, Candice!

- Hi!

Oh, I thought

we should celebrate,

so I got us reservations

tomorrow at Napquinne.

Wasn't that just named

the most expensive restaurant

in L.A.?

EMILY: Yeah! They make the meal

right in your mouth. Bye!

[GROANS]

How was your first day

at work, sunshine?

Terrible!

It was eight hours of folding!

Who works for eight hours?

Um, only everyone.

But, hey, now you can see

how awesome it is

to be on a budget.

[GROANS]

Whatever, dude.

Emily and Josh are gonna

go buy a castle and move out

and we're gonna be stuck here

with shitty jobs

and a bucket of hummus.

Ezra, I need more shifts.

Josh, you finish

all jobs so fast.

You set Plugger-Inner record.

You do such a good job,

I do you favor.

You take few days off.

No work for you.

Paid, right?

[CHUCKLES] I did not know

you were stand-up comedian, too.

Good luck with

Netflix special, huh?

[GROANS]

Psst!

Aah! Dante?

What're you --

If you want to make some extra cash,

I've got some off-the-books

installations,

if you know what I mean.

What's the pay?

Mid-to-low two figures.

I'll do it.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[TECHNO PLAYING]

Ah, cool.

Maybe someone's robbing

the store,

and they can just m*rder me.

What the hell?

Is this an underground

retail rave?

Hey!

What's going --

Ohh! Huh?

Aah!

Oh, hey!

You made it!

I'm Quinn, and this is my squad.

You're alive?

Better.

We're forever 23.

Every night we come

to life and party! [ALL CHEER]

But you're man--

Before you ask,

yes, we have sex,

yes, it's basically

licking smooth plastic,

and, yes,

it's amazing! Whoo!

[ALL CHEERING]

You'd think partying night after

night forever would get old.

But when you're a mannequin,

it just gets richer

and more meaningful.

I used to have that.

Life doesn't have to suck,

Bridgette.

You could become one of us.

That sounds really awesome.

Oh, but

is it painful?

It's a very simple

laser procedure.

[♪♪♪]

[WHIRRING UP]

[♪♪♪]

[STATIC HISSING]

What the hell, guys?

That TV's busted again?

Don't worry about it.

I'll call my guy Dante.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Sorry I'm late.

Listen, Em, there's something

I want to --

[GASPS]

Josh!

He ordered a Napquinne!

Ahhh.

Ah.

Ohh!

[GARGLING] I hear the

napkin is to hide your face

so God can't judge you.

Uhhh.

[CELLPHONE BUZZING]

I have to go to the restroom.

Josh, wait!

You can do that here!

H-Hey, I changed my mind.

I'm not gonna

go through with it.

Mm

I don't think so.

We kind of need you around.

Why?

[♪♪♪]

Spare parts.

I call the feet!

What? You know I'm insecure

about my feet.

Hey!

Plugger-Inners!

I got your TVs!

Uh ohh.

Josh!

Get out of here!

[♪♪♪]

We're still waiting

for my husband

to get back from the bathroom.

Daddy's not in the bathroom.

It says he's across the street.

Across the street?

Start it up, Janet!

[BEEPING, CRANKING]

Nice try, Janet.

[♪♪♪]

[WHIRRING UP]

sh*t.

Emily!

Josh! What the hell?

Excellent!

The more the merrier!

[ALL CHANTING "SPARE PARTS"]

What were you doing here

in the first place?

I -- I picked up a second job.

I don't get it.

Why do you need a side job

when you just sold

"Clap Like This"

for a bazillion dollars?

The deal fell through,

and I didn't sell the game.

I've been doing

extra installations

so that you and Candice

wouldn't find out.

Josh, I don't care

if you're a big success.

You're still a success to us.

[LAUGHS]

Dad, this game is so fun.

I'm so excited

to have those feet!

Oops.

That always happens.

Always happens

[WHIRRING]

Candice!

Turn on "Clap Like This"!

Screen share!

[♪♪♪]

MAN: Ready?

What's that?

And clap!

[♪♪♪]

Oh, this is so addictive!

Hey, I'm pretty good

at this! Aah!

Stop it! Don't you see

what they're doing?!

Even I can't

help it!

[♪♪♪]

Aah!

Stupid game!

The arm!

Bridgette, over here!

[♪♪♪]

Pretty lights!

Aww.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah!

Wait! You can't

leave us like this!

Party's over.

Good luck with your hangover.

b*tch.

Very uncool!

[COMPUTER RINGS]

Mom! Look --

my first paycheck.

Ah, Bridgette,

I am so proud of --

Oh, my God.

That's all you make?

Look out the window.

No, Mom, I'm good now.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh, Bridgette's on a budget!

I'll take half.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH GRUNTING]