01x07 - First Date/Snailin' It

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Ah! A surprising love

is about to bloom in your life.

This is so me and Ron.

Who?

Ron!

I've been texting

and occasionally

sexting him forever.

Tonight, we're finally

meeting face-to-face.

Ron is the first guy I've met

since Alex who seems like

he could be something.

You'd be surprised how hard

it is to find someone

when you're divorced

and living with your ex.

- It's not.

- Not surprising at all.

You might as well be

wearing a red flag.

So, as I was predicting

Mmm!

Look what Ron just sent.

Ooh, I'll sign for that.

Business!

Since they're not paying

attention, you want a reading?

Uh, no, thanks.

I don't believe in that stuff.

You don't need to believe

in psychics

to see that your marriage is

like that salsa:

not so spicy.

[GASPS]

[♪♪♪]

How did you know that?

I say what I see

In my mind!

[CACKLING, THUNDER CRASHING]

Sorry!

These new thunder pants

are louder

than I thought they would be.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Look at you!

A hot date?

What?

No, I'm just going to --

a funeral.

Eh, it's totally cool.

So you're not gonna

lose your sh*t?

Oh, no.

And ooh, hey,

if you need help

getting laid at that funeral,

I'm a great wingman.

Like the theme song says --

I'll be there for you ♪

Yeah, that's not

where the claps go.

Ooh, you're looking real fine

with that staple g*n.

I got to finish my costume

before we go

to the pumpkin patch tonight.

Can't have Candice be

a genie without a lamp.

Come on, Josh. I'm trying to

spice up our love life.

What? Why?

We're spicy.

Not like we used to be.

We used to have sex a lot,

and you'd surprise me

with stuff,

and I'd brag about it

to my friends.

Do you still feel that spark?

I mean, yes, no.

Uh, what's the right answer?

[♪♪♪]

Ugh, another sexy night

making all of Candice's

lunches for the week.

This mayo is getting

more action than I am.

[BUZZING]

Open your closet for a surprise?

Ah!

Oh, sorry.

I was trying to be sexy,

but I have no game.

The surprise is, we're reliving

our first date tonight!

[GASPS]

Our first date, really?

And that's why I think

Best Picture might go to

"Mr. Magorium's

Wonder Emporium."

Rar!

Ah! Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I know things have gotten

a little stale lately, so let's

kick it old-school, back to

when things were the spiciest.

I love this idea!

Hi, I'm meeting someone.

Reservation under Ron, maybe

Ronald 'cause he's classy.

Yes, party of three.

Right this way.

Three?

Bridgette!

Ron Oh, wait.

What?

Hi, I'm Joy!

Is this -- Is this

a Halloween costume or

I've heard so much about you,

but not because

I've been eavesdropping.

That'd be creepy.

It's because

we're sewn together.

No!

I know.

We were young, dumb,

and matching tattoos

weren't strong enough

to express our love.

But you're broken up?

Very.

We're actually getting

unconjoined next month,

but I couldn't wait

any longer to see you.

Look, I understand

if you want to bail,

but after our very

long conversations over text,

I don't know.

I feel connected to you.

Eh, and you did look past

some of my baggage.

Come on.

Give it a chance.

I'll put a tablecloth over her.

I'm just gonna run

to the bathroom for a minute.

I'll be right back.

I'm a great wingman, wingman,

wingman

Five!

Five!

Five!

Five!

You're missing a great show.

He is busting out all the hits!

Did you really mean it when

you said you'd be my wingman?

Uh, no doy.

I used to wing for Josh

in high school.

I was amazing at it.

Funny story, actually

[LAUGHS]

Funny story. Okay.

I'm texting you the address.

It is a funny story, though.

Josh ends up turding

in the pool.

And that's how I climbed

Machu Picchu.

Wow.

I can barely say Micha Picca.

Remember when we got to the top?

We 69ed so hard we passed out.

God, your laugh

makes our knees weak.

Get over here!

Bridgette?

What are you doing here?

Oh, my gosh.

Ron, Joy,

this is Alex, my ex.

Hi, I'm Joy.

Alex!

What am I looking at?

Oh, that?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No big deal, Alex.

They got conjoined

when they were together,

but now they are super apart.

No!

I mean, why are you hiding that

beautiful hair

under a tablecloth?

Oh, I like this one.

May I?

Sure, as long as

you don't mind

our connection over here.

WOMAN: And initial here.

And initial here acknowledging

that you will sh*t your pants.

Perfect.

Have fun in Hell!

[CACKLING]

Josh.

Emily.

Josh!

I'm right here, okay?

Don't be scared. See?

We're okay.

No phones allowed!

Ah!

Not sexy, not sexy!

[CREAKING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Ah!

Okay.

I'm done.

No spark is worth this.

I guess I can get a refund

on that sex pillow.

What the hell?

Emily! Emily!

Mmm, your hands are so soft.

Thank you!

Almost as soft as the llama

I met hiking Machu Picchu.

Again, I'm not so into hiking.

I feel like

it's just hard walking.

Okay.

Your favorite Viking erotica?

BOTH: "The Glistening Scabbard."

Yes!

Yes!

You know what?

Dinner's on me.

Emily!

Huh?

Josh?

Anybody?

[SNARLING]

[BONES CRACKING]

[ROARING]

Ah!

[JOSH AND EMILY SCREAMING]

[CREATURE ROARING]

Is that its neck

or its butthole?

It's both!

[♪♪♪]

[ECHOING]

Josh?

[RACING FOOTSTEPS]

You'll never find the right me.

Never! Never!

Ah!

Woo!

Ooh, yeah. Woo!

Woo!

You never took me dancing.

I guess I just needed

a little Joy

in my life

to unlock the real me.

Ooh, yeah!

Woo!

I'm so sorry.

Nature calls, and I'm not

talking about Machu Picchu.

[LAUGHS]

That'd be a first.

Don't go anywhere,

my little birdie.

Feed me from your mouth

to my mouth.

Chirp-a, chirp-a, chirp!

Okay.

Your wingman job is done.

We can go.

What? Why?

Because my date is sewn

to his ex

and won't stop

bragging about Macho Pecho.

Well, it sounds like he and Joy

had a transformative experience.

If you like Joy so much,

why don't you just conjoin

with her?

Yes, why don't I?

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

Aw, this one looks nice.

Oh, this one will really show

we're in love.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I can't believe you're letting

him conjoin with you guys.

He barely knows

the "Friends" theme song.

If she wants to sit middle seat

in this flight called life,

then so be it.

Ooh, somebody is full.

Kiss me!

Mmm, more tongue, yeah.

Mmm, just look at this tum-tum.

Now, let's do other sex stuff.

When Joy and I used to have sex,

we'd call it the panini press,

but we'd have to be

conjoined to do that.

That's it!

We're conjoining too!

What's that now?

I'm sorry?

Josh!

Emily!

Give up now. It was better

in the past anyway.

I'm not giving up!

And now Candice will be

an orphan,

all because you lost your spark.

An orphan, what?

Don't you get it?

You died in the haunted house.

- We're

- dead?

We can't be dead.

No way!

It's true.

Remember that tree

in the graveyard?

[ZIPPING]

No! It's not true!

Emily!

Josh!

Don't move.

I'll be right there.

Josh!

Ah!

Gah!

Unh!

Yah!

[GLASS BREAKING]

When that demon was chasing me,

all I could think about was

that I'd never see you again.

I thought I'd never see you

again either.

I'm sorry we're dead.

I just wanted to reconnect

with you.

Me too.

I may be physically dead,

but you know what's not dead?

Oh, I know.

[♪♪♪]

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

[LIGHTS CLUNKING ON]

You can stop making out now.

You're not really dead,

and we've got to bring

in another couple

to psychologically t*rture.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Hello?

Please!

Ugh.

Oh, my-God-isn't-real,

you're jealous.

Wha?

What, of who?

Oh, you can't stand to see me

finally over you.

Just say it.

Never!

Come on, Ron.

We're getting sewn together.

Not if we do it first!

[GROANING, GRUNTING]

Stop!

Bridgette, I can't attach myself

to someone

who's clearly not detached

from their ex.

I'm not detached?

You're literally sewn

to your ex.

But we can cut ourselves apart.

You can't cut apart feelings.

Oh, great, now you say

something interesting.

Alex, what we have

is nice, but

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Come on. Come on. What?

It's not like I've already

written a part of my memoir

where I described her teeth

or anything.

You know what my teeth

look like?

Of course I do.

They're all the pieces

that make up your smile.

Mmm, aww.

Oh, I want that.

Yeah

And I want to masturbate alone.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

[BATS SCREECHING]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

Wha--

[GRUNTING]

Oowie.

[♪♪♪]

Jackpot!

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLING]

Professor, a little help!

Uh, yeah, just hang on.

I gotta take this call.

What?!

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTS]

[GROWLS]

Should have stayed dead,

moldy b*tch!

[♪♪♪]

Professor!

I'm sorry.

Can you say that one more time?

[ROARS]

[SCREAMS]

Thanks a lot, Mom.

You set off all the booby traps.

Yes, Mr. Salt, I'll e-mail

the project managers right now.

Time for bed!

My mom won't play

board games with me, either.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[SINGSONG VOICE]

Mom!

We never finished

Grave Rollers from last night.

You know I love Grave Rollers,

but I have to go to work.

Ugh! You're missing a lot

of stuff 'cause of work.

Candice is right.

You have kind of been

being a doormat for Mr. Salt.

Maybe I do say yes a lot,

but I can't lose my job.

It gets us important stuff,

like health insurance.

My job gets us

important stuff, too.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

More like 20% off Ethernet

cables that no one uses.

Ah.

Look, I know I've been

super busy with work lately,

so I came up with a plan.

You know how Food Corps

has a P.R. nightmare

every couple weeks?

MR. SALT: "Condom Found in Woman's Can"?

What, are we supposed

to inspect every can now?

Okay, we need a crazy publicity

stunt to distract everyone.

Go! We could sponsor a

garden at my daughter's school.

Wait, wait.

I have an idea.

What if we sponsor a garden at

my assistant's kid's school?

So you're coming to my school

today to garden with us?

- Yep!

- Yay!

I could come help

with the garden, too.

No, no, I don't want

to interrupt your day.

You're on call,

and that's important.

Ready for a day

of skipping rocks, bro?

Welcome, everyone.

Our little garden

is turning into

a big Food Corps

community garden project,

all thanks to Candice's mom.

Jerry Plembladd,

L.A. Weekly.

Is this community event

merely an attempt

to divert attention away

from the used condom

that was found --

Okay, it was not used.

It's not just the garden.

We're gonna have

a fancy celebration dinner,

and you're all invited.

And it's all gonna happen

tonight, right, Emily?

Yes, Mr. Salt.

[RECORDERS PLAYING]

You won't find any condoms here.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Okay, class.

Line up for Yoga Snack Time.

Wait, I thought the children

would help me garden.

And the whole point was to spend

more time with Can-- them.

Oh, honey, the school doesn't

have the legal team for that.

Instead, we nurture

their inner emotional garden.

Okay, Mommy's going to work

on the garden for your class,

but later, it's just you, me,

and Grave Rollers!

Hmm. I'm not holding my breath,

which is really fun to do.

[♪♪♪]

Huh! Waahh!

Your rock-throwing

seems off today.

You okay, bro?

Do you think I'm useless, Randy?

Emily's job gets us

health insurance and stuff,

and mine doesn't

get us anything.

You gotta think of yourself

like a rock.

You spend most of your life

not doing much.

But when you do

it's beautiful.

[BIRDS SCREECH]

[GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, man!

Why did I fill this

with assorted nuts?

SNAILATHAN GOLD: Don't stop now.

You were doing such a good job.

Huh?

[GASPS]

[SLURPING]

Aah!

Creepy giant snail!

Sorry.

Didn't mean to startle you.

I just make that noise sometimes

when I'm hungry.

Yeah, well,

don't get your hopes up.

There's no way

I can finish this garden.

Perhaps I can be of service.

You need more time,

and I've got a magic hat.

What is that, an expression?

No, no, I've literally got

a magic hat

that can slow down time.

What if I made you a deal?

I'll let you use the hat

to work the garden,

and in return,

you give me a free pass to

nibble on the vegetation.

[SNEEZES]

Okay.

Go ahead, try using it

on the garden.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Wow!

What a time saver!

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Hello, Mr. Salt.

MR. SALT: Emily, I need you

to pick up the mini tuxes

from the rental place

and have them on my desk ASAP.

Mini tuxes?

Mr. Salt,

the dinner's in an hour.

I know. That's why

when you're done with that,

you can stop by

Javier's Dance Studio

to learn the choreography

to teach the children.

Ooh, the press is gonna

eat this up.

Okay. I'll handle it.

Knock, knock!

On my way home,

I passed the Domingo's truck,

and I brought you

some carnitas tacos.

[SNIFFS] Oh, the aroma alone

conveys the sensation

of slithering down

the streets of Cuernavaca,

and I've not even been there.

[♪♪♪]

So, anyway,

some work stuff came up,

and I was wondering if I

could borrow that hat again?

Unfortunately, the hat's

only for the garden.

Come on.

No!

It's not my fault

you put too many ingredients

in your parenting paella.

[GASPS]

What's that supposed to mean?!

It means you're a sh*t parent.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

it's time for a little

post-taco siesta.

[YAWNS]

Don't tell me

how to be a working mom.

I've got too much ♪

Time on my hands ♪

It's hard to believe

such a calamity ♪

I've got too much ♪

Time on my hands ♪

And it's ticking away ♪

Ticking away from me ♪

MR. SALT: Wow.

I gotta hand it to you, Ramirez.

You really took care

of everything.

Thanks, Mr. Salt.

It was nothing.

Oh, don't be modest.

I can tell that

it was really stressful,

judging by those

massive crow's feet.

Crow's feet? I didn't have

these this morning.

Don't be embarrassed.

Let them ca-caw loud and proud!

[♪♪♪]

Uh

[SLURPING]

[GASPS]

Aah!

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Huh?

[CANDICE SCREAMS]

Candice!

Are you okay?

He scared me.

Well, well, well.

Looks like someone

couldn't get enough of the hat.

And look at you, aging rapidly

with every disgusting tip of it.

[GASPS]

I warned you

of the consequences,

and yet you still chose

to break our deal.

Consequences? You didn't say

anything about that.

Perhaps I was talking

too fast for you.

I'll let you use the hat

to work the garden,

and in return,

you give me a free pass to

nibble on the vegetation.

[SNEEZES]

Any use of the hat

outside the garden

will result in rapid aging,

acquisition of child,

and may cause a**l leakage.

I, myself, can vouch for that.

I would have never

agreed to that.

- But you already did!

- Aah!

- [GASPS]

- Mommy!

- [GASPS]

- What's happening?!

Mommy's too busy to care now.

But we're going to have

some fun together.

Maybe go see a movie,

maybe play some board games,

or use these chubby little legs

of yours to run to Chinatown

so I can finally savor

some pork dumplings!

Run for me, my tiny beauty!

- Run!

- No!

I can't feel my body!

[PANTING]

I got you.

[GASPS]

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

[GASPS]

A call.

Josh, I know this sounds crazy,

but I used a magic hat

way too many times,

and I'm in way over my head

at the dinner,

and I need your help.

I'll be right there!

Now be the rock, Josh!

Be the rock that your family

can depend on!

Let's see how you fight when

you're an insecure teenager!

Aah! My T-zone!

Ooh!

Huh?

Oh! Candice!

[♪♪♪]

- [GROANS]

- Mommy!

[VOICE DEEPENING]

Get this as*h*le!

Oh. They grow up so fast,

don't they?

No!

It's too late for you!

Bah!

Never!

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Oh.

[GRUNTING]

Emily!

What the hell?!

Josh, help!

Uh, uh

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

Be the rock-ock-ock.

Sorry, I'm not great at echoes.

Hyah!

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

[COUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

Don't you see?

You need me to keep

all this going.

Oh, yeah?

Escargot to hell.

Yah!

Aah!

- Are you okay?

- [COUGHS]

[HOARSELY]

No.

[ENGINE STARTS, REVS]

Mediocre table service,

giant snail fight,

and a wormhole

to another dimension?!

Now that is how you

distract everyone

from a condom

in a can of lima beans.

Great work, Emily.

And, by the way,

I'm gonna need you to come in

at 6:00 tomorrow, Emily.

The children's tuxedos

won't return themselves.

Yes, Mr. Salt.

Actually, no.

I can't be in that early.

I'm gonna play Grave Rollers

with my child.

Oh. Okay.

Just come in at 6:45.

ALL: Nice!

[LAUGHTER]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH GRUNTING]