01x08 - The Canine Guy

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

A serving wrench,

just like in "Cable Guy".

[LAUGHS] Okay, okay.

I'm going to say it.

Can I help you, my lords?

Does thou have a mug of ale

for me and me mate?

[SNORTS]

Yeah, we like it.

We like it a lot.

We like it a lot.

[LAUGHING]

Oh. More Jim Carrey fans.

Delightful.

We're going

to do this every year

for the rest of our lives, dude!

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING]

My lords, welcome back.

Happy "Medieval Times-aversary".

Hey, real quick.

Can I "a*s" you a few questions?

[GROANS]

[CHUCKLES]

Did you read my short story?

Yeah, loved how short it was.

Oh, do you want to hear the most

annoying sound in the world?

Eeeeeeeeh!

Eeeeeeeeh!

Down, down, down,

the red knight is going down!

Come on, dude,

Medieval-Times-aversary.

Uh, oh, uh, yeah, uh,

down, down, down,

the red knight is going down,

yep, cool.

Yeah! 15 years later,

and we're still equally psyched.

Eeeeeeh!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

EMILY: Josh, Candice is dabbing!

Remember that?

Josh!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la

Ugh, Can't get a moment's peace.

Good morrow, kind sir!

W-where's thine armor?

My armor? What?

Why would I need that?

Dude, it's our

Medieval-Times-aversary.

Uh, listen, I can't go today.

A literary agent said that

he'd read "Future Viking 3030,"

and I want to send it to him

by the end of the day.

Come on, man!

We've gone every year

on this day since high school.

I know, but I need

to hand this in.

Besides, I was hoping

you'd read it.

You always give me

really good feedback like,

"I love it.

It's awesome,"

and, "Is there a king of books?

It should be you, my liege!"

I'm not going to read

that giant thing

on our Medieval-Times-aversary,

but I am willing to pregame

by watching a double feature

of this and this.

You know, that movie

doesn't really hold up.

How dare you!

Also, Medieval Times

is not historically accurate.

They serve tomato bisque soup

with focaccia dippers.

It's how knights ate!

Josh, I love "focach", but it's

not from medieval times!

Thine dippers are delicious,

and I shall dip them

by mine self!

Oh, ugh, ugh.

Don't even think

about helping me.

Popcorn button

on the microwave ♪

How does it know

how long it will take ♪

There's so many brands ♪

And there's so many kinds ♪

How does it know to take

just the right time ♪

Old man looking

in a barber shop ♪

What would make you

even stop ♪

You're not bad-looking,

and you're kind of buff ♪

But if you walked in,

what would they even cut ♪

I want to have sex

with Mr. Rogers ♪

Not the one from TV,

a different Mr. Rogers ♪

[CELLPHONE CLICKING]

[SINGLE CLAP]

It's pretty cool these shows

end so early now, huh?

Want to help me trim

Candice's fingernails?

They're so tiny.

Ugh.

What?

We have, like, an extra

30 minutes to hang out.

This isn't just hanging out

to me, Em.

This is serious.

Look at Weird Al judging us.

We need to go to a cabin

in the woods

and write songs like we used to.

I'd love that!

My December opens up a bit

during winter break, or in 2032,

Candice goes off to college.

No, I meant this weekend,

like, now!

Uh, n -- now?

Now!

We're never going to

write anything

while you're here

being a mombie.

I'm not a mombie.

Emily, party in the hills!

You want to go?

[EXHAUSTED]

Did you go poopy in your diapy?

In my defense, you did sh*t

your pants at the party.

Pfft, and we haven't written

a new song since.

Ugh, our Gotye parody

is still relevant!

What are you doing?

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

[GASPS]

How'd you do that so fast?

I'm 26.

Interested, seriously?

I have a busy weekend.

Ugh!

In honor of your

Medieval-Times-aversary,

mugs of grog for ye and ye mate.

Me mate is not here.

Why not?

What happened?

I should've seen the signs.

We've been drifting apart.

All he cares about

is his book and

In honor of your

Medieval-Times-aversary,

mugs of grog for ye and ye mate.

[GULPING]

Ugh, without Alex here,

this grog just tastes

like horse pee.

He's onto us, Cletus!

Switch to plan B!

[♪♪♪]

Get your brownies,

piping hot and authentic

to the time period!

Ugh.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, hey.

You hungry, boy?

[SNARLING]

Man's best friend,

unlike stupid Alex.

Who Alex?

Aah! Ugh!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Me dog and boy.

Dude, that's awesome!

Dude!

Dude!

Whoa, I cant believe you live

in this van, so cool!

Me try to make it homey.

Me copied Dwell magazine.

Wow. Your owner must be

pretty awesome.

Me owner opposite of awesome.

Me owner not awesome.

She once brilliant scientist,

but she play God,

make human-animal hybrids!

She treated me

like I was special

until she not like

the way me act.

WOMAN: You think

you're so smart, huh?

You think I can't clone

another dog

that knows how

to wear underpants?

Me only joy was watching

Jim Carrey movies.

Me watched "The Mask" 300 times.

"Somebody stop me!"

It probably

why I so well-adjusted.

Years pass.

I tried to improve, but nothing

was good enough for her.

Your performance

is an abomination!

I'll have to bury the project

and bury you!

Me realize it time to go.

Me wants to be free,

free to see the world,

free to make my own choices!

[♪♪♪]

Been on run ever since.

Well, I'm glad you're safe now.

Me never be safe.

Do all dog boys feel this alone?

I think you're the only dog boy.

Oh, all righty then.

[♪♪♪]

Mock ♪

Yeah! ♪

ing ♪

Yeah! ♪

bird! ♪

Yeah! ♪

Yeah! ♪

Yeah! ♪

[BOTH LAUGH]

Ah, you really get me, Dog Boy.

Actually, me name Tory.

Yeah, I like Dog Boy.

How about DB?

Nah, just Dog Boy.

Hmm, okay!

A cabin in the woods is fun ♪

Unless your friend

doesn't show up ♪

And you get k*lled

by a dr*fter ♪

You got anything

to rhyme with dr*fter

Ugh, I can't believe

you brought your daughter.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Pearl is hanging out

with Candice,

and Josh is hanging out

with some dog, so let's do this!

Yes!

We are going to write

so many songs!

And I am totally going to focus!

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

Mom Emily would answer that.

Musician Emily does not pick up.

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Uh, okay, just this once.

Hi, sweetie!

Yeah, you can watch

a movie with Pearl.

Wait.

Did you say "Training Day"?

Hold up.

You're going in and out.

Ugh.

[GAME PAD BEEPING]

Hey, man. I know our whole

Medieval Times thing

is still really important

to you.

No, it's fine.

I met the coolest guy there,

the coolest.

You went without me?

I did, and it was smoking!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I don't meant to bother you,

but I'm looking for a lost dog.

[GASPS]

Sorry.

We haven't seen him.

Are you sure?

Nope, haven't seen him, uh,

no dogs in the building!

Bye! That her!

She must track van!

Jesus!

What the hell is that?

Dog Boy isn't a that.

He's my new best friend.

It's stereotype that dog

is man's best friend,

but in this case, it true.

Dog Boy got his degree online.

He's basically as smart as you.

University of Phoenix.

Go, browsers!

Hey, boy.

You want to go check out

some Jim Carrey landmarks?

Coast is clear, so this

concludes our broadcast day.

Click.

- How dare you?

Quoting "The Cable Guy"

was our thing.

Come on, Dog Boy.

Let's go do more quotes

in the van.

Fine!

Then I guess I'll uncancel

all my meetings

with LA's top literary agents

who specialize

in viking science fiction

for young adults.

[ENGINE STARTS]

A van with a dog's head?

Some people have no class.

I swear I've seen that van

somewhere, from some cold case.

Mom, you're supposed to be

retired from cop stuff!

Why can't you play mahjong like

the rest of the old ladies?

Cold cases are my mahjong!

Hey, Candice.

You want to catch a criminal?

[GASPS]

Can I be a corrupt cop?

I want to be Denzel!

[LAUGHS]

Go get my computer, Randy!

It's huge!

Just go get it!

You used to let me be Denzel.

To new best friends!

To new friends!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

What the hell!

That thing ate my manuscript?

That's it!

Found your dog.

Meet me at -- Ugh.

Oh, good, you here!

Me love your book.

My book?

But I thought you ripped it up?

Oh, no, me just rip up part

where Alexi die in space battle.

Alexi good character

with much to live for.

Need him for next book.

You think there

could be a sequel?

Sequel?

Me think FutureViking 3030

could be franchise.

Wow, that is a huge compliment.

Oh, no.

Phew, okay.

Me online professor said

me had nose for pros

and other dogs' buttholes.

Ha! You, sir,

are a delight!

Vis-a-vis, uh, sniffing

on those buttholes, uh

Hey, wasn't sure if you were

more into pizza rolls

or dog chow,

so I got both for toni--

What's going on here?

Oh, my friend here just gave me

some really thorough notes

on my book.

It wasn't exactly, "You are

the king of books, dude,"

but I found it insightful.

Oh, so now my feedback

is too dumb for you?

Uh, excuse me, bros.

Dog Boy need to find a hydrant

with his name on it.

What's your deal?

I'm just having a stimulating

rap sesh with a fellow writer.

There's no way that you're

hanging out with Dog Boy.

Dog-boy loves Medieval Times,

and you think

you're better than that!

Oh, I think both me

and Dog Boy --

[DOG BOY BARKING, HOWLING]

BOTH: Dog-boy!

[♪♪♪]

Comic Sans?

I mean, an address?

BRIDGETTE: We've got the sex.

We've got the drugs.

Let's comedy rock 'n' roll!

Yeah, yeah, roll.

What are you doing?

- What?

- Are you checking your phone?

What?!

No!

Okay. I was, but look how cute

Candice is being!

You think Weird Al

checks his phone

during songwriting sessions?

No, he probably has

a parody phone

like a banana or something,

but who cares?

You checked your phone

during your wedding.

And I'm not married anymore!

Come on!

Let's focus!

Fine.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

I just want to post that.

Here, I'll show you a post!

Post up!

Mother --

Time to see who owns

that damn van.

Mm, I got you now,

Meredith Breedmore!

To protect the sheep,

you got to catch the wolf,

and it takes a wolf

to catch a wolf.

Now you say one

of Ethan Hawke's lines.

No one knows his part!

JOSH: So it wasn't enough for

you to ruin one friendship.

You had to super-size it

and make it a combo!

Ah, do you make

any references past 1998?

You're like an old sweater that

I've had in my closet forever,

and I can't throw it away

because I feel bad for it.

Well, you're just like

a fat bearded sweater

that used to be skinnier

and without a beard.

Ugh, your metaphors

are really terrible!

Good because I hate metaphors,

and I definitely know

what those are.

I cannot believe you did that.

I can't believe you haven't

focused on this band

since baby Yoko came along.

Well, then maybe

I'm quitting the band!

Well, you quit the band

a long time ago!

Um, e -- excuse me.

Uh, is this your phone?

It hit me while I was posting

a new song online.

[BOTH GASP]

America's only respected

comedy songwriter

BOTH: Weird Al Yankovic!

Hey, when I'm with my family,

it's just Dad Al Yankovic.

This is insane!

We came to the woods

to write a new comedy song.

Yeah, w -- w -- w --

well, we were supposed to.

I'm focused on it, but Emily

doesn't seem to care.

I do care.

I think you can write songs

and focus on your family.

And I think family

gets in the way!

Who's right, Weird Al?

Oh, oh, okay. First of all,

there are no sides.

There are so many ways

to create a great piece of art.

No matter what I'm writing,

whether it's "Eat It"

or "Amish Paradise,"

I always just try to be

true to myself.

And after that,

I sharpen a narwhal tusk,

puncture the heel

of my left foot

and use the blood to summon

the demon song god

Nishquantasi.

The demon song god?

Yeah!

[BEAR GROWLS]

Is that part of the process?

No, that's a bear.

Aah!

I just wanted a Gotye parody!

Aah!

Oh, my God! That bear is mauling

Weird Al!

Run!

Forsooth, halt!

I think that was English!

[ANIMALS SCREECHING]

What the hell?

Is that possum

wearing sunglasses?

Great! Of course she took Dog Boy

to an impenetrable fortress!

Game over, man, game over!

I'm coming for you, Dog Boy!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?

Aah!

Whah!

BOTH: Aah!

[DOG BOY HOWLS]

Dog Boy?

Dog Boy?

Damn it!

That was a very expensive door!

What are you doing to my friend?

You mean my friend,

probably more mine than his.

Me miss you guys!

But you probably miss

one more than the other.

Am I right, buddy?

Silence!

Dog Boy is my property.

You're interrupting

my life's work.

Okay.

What's your game, Meredith?

Are you trying to

make furries even sexier?

My note -- Add more nips.

What? No!

I'm trying to make this!

[♪♪♪]

What?

Huh?

BOTH: Huh?

[♪♪♪]

You're making animal movies?

Audiences are sick

of CG talking animals.

Practical effects

are back in demand,

and I'm going to make a fortune

off the backs of these hybrids.

She force me

to act in these movies.

That's why I try to escape.

But wait. What about you saying

you wanted to be free

to make your own choices?

Yeah, acting choices.

What about her testing

your performance?

Oh, yeah, me not testing well

among 18-to-34-year-olds.

So you weren't being tortured?

If you had to make sense

of her terrible plots,

you'd feel tortured, too!

Bad dog! I know how to make you

more obedient!

It's time for

a special director's cut.

[GASPS]

You're going to take his --

Yep, in order to make

more dog boys,

I just need what's

in his bean bags,

his danglies, his bing-bongs.

Oh, my God, lady,

just say ba*ls!

Not one step closer, gentleman!

[♪♪♪]

[ALARM BLARING]

That squirrel kind of looks

like Candice.

I really wasn't trying

to compare Candice to Yoko.

She's a great kid.

I'm sorry I wasn't focused

on our music, Bridge.

The truth is, I love the band,

but I couldn't give it

everything you could.

I love you like a sister!

And I love you like

a half-sister!

I just --

I have a sister already,

and I don't throw

that stuff around easily.

[ALARM BLARING]

[GASPS]

They're going away.

We're not going to die!

Is that Josh and Alex!

Did that do anything?

Who cares?

Just run!

Aah!

Oh, geez!

[WHIMPERS]

Whoa!

Aah!

Ah, no, no.

To be or not to be!

Ugh!

[BOTH GRUNT]

BOTH: Huh?

That'll be quite enough, boys.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

You sure this best way

to neuter Dog Boy?

I'm sorry about not going to

Medieval Times with you.

No, I'm sorry.

I was being a d*ck to you,

but you know what?

We tried to save

Dog Boy together.

Together.

Hey, man, you want to hear

the most annoying

sound in the world?

Ugh, I do, man.

I do.

Eeeeeeh!

Eeeeeh!

[RUMBLING]

Don't stop.

It's working!

BOTH: Eeeeeeeeeeh!

Eeeeeh!

Guys! Guys!

Ugh!

Best friends!

BOTH: He's okay!

You two good team.

We're just happy you're okay,

Dog Boy!

Meredith Breedmore, your day

of reckoning has come!

No, I'm doing the world

a service, better animal

acting, better -- Ugh!

I knew I seen that van before

because nothing gets past me,

and now we finally got you

for these six unpaid

parking tickets.

What about my animals?

What animals?

Take her away, boys.

Wait! Wait!

Wait!

Aah! Aah! Oh!

Fly higher!

BOTH: Bridgette?

Emily?

We saw everything.

I think we might have

an idea for a song.

BRIDGETTE: This is a new song

that we just wrote.

It goes out

to our new friend, Dog Boy.

Is he a dog ♪

Is he a boy ♪

He may be two things ♪

But he's full of joy ♪

He taught us love ♪

And how to give ♪

Shout-out to Weird Al ♪

Who got k*lled by a bear ♪

Oh, come on!

He brought us together ♪

Despite ourselves ♪

We'll go on ♪

What are friends ♪

Don't you hurt Dog Boy ♪

Hurt Dog Boy no more ♪

Take it, Dog Boy!

Ro, ro, ro,

ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ♪

Ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, roo ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL: Bye, Dog Boy!

All righty then.

All righty then!

Let me tell you something!

Are they okay, Mommy?

Yeah, sometimes old friends

say stuff no one else gets.

But they're really weird, right?

So weird.

Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

Ooh ♪

[♪♪♪]

Won't you come see about me ♪

I'll be alone dancing ♪

You know it, baby ♪

Tell me

your troubles and doubts ♪

Giving me everything

inside and out and ♪

Love is strange,

so real in the dark ♪

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH GRUNTING]