02x02 - Sauceface/Houseguest from Hell

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[ Yelling in slow-motion ]

Candice: This wasn't how it was

supposed to go.

I just wanted to

make a little cash,

have a little fun.

But sometimes,

even the best plans

can leave a skid-mark

in your shorts.

To understand

how we got here,

you've gotta know the legend.

The legend

of Sauceface.

♪♪

♪♪

[ School bell rings ]

[ Both laughing ]

Whoa!

Imagine all the fun

we could have with one of those.

Those drones make hopscotch

look like foursquare.

Mom!

Mom!

Can I get a drone?

Please, please!

I'd fly it every day

and I'd wash it and I'd feed it!

And it would get us involved

in stem fields

where girls are traditionally

underrepresented.

[ Sighs ]

I wish we could,

sweetie,

but we don't have the money

for stuff like that.

Yeah, right, Mom.

Then why do we live in a mansion

with Alex and Bridgette?

Oh, jeez.

Candice, the "house" we live in

is an apartment building.

And Alex and Bridgette only live

with us to help us pay for it.

But you have a job,

and Dad has a job.

Doesn't that

make us rich?

No.

Wait, so we're

poor?

Man, I had no idea

we were poor.

Do your mom and dad

have money?

No, my dad

does improv.

[ Inhales sharply ]

Ooh, I'm so sorry.

Let's face it,

drones are for rich kids.

Attencion,

everyone.

It's your friendly cafeteria

conduct liaison.

Effective immediately

our school's banned food list

will now include

General Tso's chicken,

because it promotes

militarism.

♪♪

And please, don't push me

on this.

Stellan and I just broke up

and he took the Peloton

because he technically

paid for it,

even though I use it way

more than he does.

So, it's a whole thing.

Okay, buon appetito!

Oh, stop, stop,

stop, stop!

Don't let Campbell

see that.

All the food at this school

is so bland.

I'll give you a quarter

for your hot sauce.

Hmm, one quarter?

I'll give you

two dimes.

Whoa!

Now we're talking!

Maddie, I think I know

how we can buy a drone.

[ The Rolling Stones' "Can't You

Hear Me Knocking" plays ]

Candice: And that's how we got

into the hot sauce game.

I'd harvest the product

at home

and we'd move it at school.

♪♪

♪♪

Yeah, you got

satin shoes ♪

Candice:

It was red gold, baby.

Red gold.

Maddie had a head for numbers,

so she ran the books.

plastic boots ♪

Y'all got cocaine eyes ♪

Whoo!

I got lightning in my brain!

Candice: Pretty soon, we had

other kids dealing for us.

First graders, second graders,

a fourth grader we called

Jimmy Two-Times

'cause once he peed himself

two times in the same day.

The way we were going, we had

enough for a fleet of drones.

Business was so good,

it was only a matter of time

'til the cafeteria

conduct liaison got wise.

Help me, baby ♪

Picante!

Candice: We needed to throw

Campbell off our trail.

Who do you work for?

[ Packets splat ]

Ain't no stranger ♪

So, I came up with an alter ego

to take the heat.

A big boss named Sauceface.

[ Whistles ]

Can't you hear my knockin'? ♪

Candice:

Tomorrow is the big sit-down

with our sister schools.

If all goes well, we expand our

operations all over the city.

I don't like it.

Campbell is closing in.

We need to lie low.

Please.

Mr. Campbell

couldn't find a butt

on his own butt.

Candice, we have

plenty of money

and we haven't even

bought our drone yet.

Isn't that why we started

this in the first place?

We move forward

with the sit-down.

There are more dimes

to be made.

Speaking of, this last payment

was supposed to have 873 dimes,

which is exactly

$5,000.

But we're

four dimes short.

Which one of you

is skimming off the top?

You don't want to

confess to me?

Okay. Perhaps

you'd rather tell

Wet Willy?

♪♪

Why, Jade,

that's a very nice

Ring Pop you're wearing.

It -- It was a gift

from my Nan-Nan.

Right.

Nan-Nans are the best.

Yeah.

Yeah, my Nan-Nan's

Gotcha.

My Nan-Nan loves me so much.

[ Screams ]

Hey, cut it out!

Never cross me again,

Jade.

Aah!

[ Sobbing ]

Jeez, Candice.

I'm not Candice

anymore.

I'm

Sauceface.

Ah, that's our time.

Remember, tomorrow

is Cher Day,

so bring in a small item

that makes you believe

in life after love.

Ethan, please stay behind

for uno minuto.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Relax, Ethan,

you're not in trouble.

I just wanted to offer you

a little after-school snack.

Oh

Mmm

Red pepper, salt, garlic,

Xanthan gum.

You want it,

don't you, Ethan?

[ Breathing heavily ]

First, tell me

everything you know.

Okay.

When mommies and daddies

love each other,

they touch their butts together

and a baby --

No, Ethan.

Everything about Sauceface.

Like where I can find him

or her or them.

I guess I did hear somebody say

a thingy was gonna go down

tomorrow in that room

where I eat all the paint.

[ Gasps ]

The art room!

Gracias, Ethan.

You all know me,

what I do.

And you know what I can

do for you.

[ Snaps fingers ]

I think we could be very

motivated to move this product

at Temple Beth Emet

Day School.

Yeah, samesies

for Mayflower Charter.

Excellent.

Then let's shake on it.

Mr. Campbell:

Sauceface!

I know

you're in there!

And as soon as I figure out

which key opens this door,

I'm coming in!

You set us up!

No!

Someone ratted us out!

Why did I announce I was here

before I found the key?

So stupid!

♪♪

♪♪

Candice!

[ Grunts ]

Ah!

Candice, you need

to run!

But --

Now!

♪♪

Well, well, well

If it isn't Sauceface.

[ Gasps ]

No!

This is it for me.

Campbell called in

my parents.

I'm gonna be expelled.

But why didn't you tell him

you're not Sauceface?

And be a rat?

Maddie, I'm so sorry!

I want to fix this, to go back

to how things were before.

We knew the risks

of this life.

Forget about me,

Candice.

Take the money, buy the drone,

make a new best friend.

Mr. Campbell:

Stellan, you agreed

I could visit the Peloton

on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

My calves are

withering away!

♪♪

Thus proving she's guilty

of possession

of banned goods,

ill*gal sales,

and naming herself

after an R-rated movie.

These are mostly

serious charges.

Maddie,

I'm stunned.

I don't want to recommend

expulsion.

But I'm afraid it's the only way

to close the book

on this dark chapter of--

what the butt?

No!

If you're --

then who is--

Mr. Campbell,

it would seem

that you busted

the wrong Sauceface.

Ah! I can't believe I missed

my Harold audition for this!

Ted, it's been

three years.

You're not getting

on a house team.

Sauceface!

[ Children laughing ]

Hey!

♪♪

♪♪

Ha!

You're cornered, Sauceface!

Surprise!

What?

I don't understand.

You're Sauceface?

You mean

"Project Sauceface"?

That was our code name.

Maddie and I sold sauce so

we could buy you a new Peloton.

We know how hard it's been

with Stellan gone.

And, well, you're

our favorite teacher.

That's right.

We had to keep it

a surprise.

It was our plan

all along.

[ Voice breaking ]

This is the nicest thing

anyone's ever done for me.

Did we break the rules?

Yes.

But it was the only way

we could earn money,

and sometimes

you have to break some rules

to mend

a broken heart.

Mm

Wait a second! Five

minutes ago, you were

gonna expel my daughter!

That was before

the children gave me,

like, a $2,000

exercise bike.

So, you were able to

buy this thing

just from selling

hot sauce packets?

Yeah, kids really

love hot sauce.

In that case,

the ban is lifted.

The school is selling

those packets now.

We need that money for

Coach Gary's settlement.

Candice: And just like that,

Sauceface was no more.

In the end I gave up my wealth,

my business, my spicy empire

for friendship.

The richest score of them all.

[ Barking ]

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, we gots to get

one of those.

Have you ever heard of

shoplifting?

[ Laughing ]

[ Cellphone ringing,

buzzing ]

[ Gasps ]

Hey, chica!

You must be my roomie!

I'm Becca.

What's your deal?

Where you from?

Hey, I'm Emil--

[ Cellphone rings ]

Ugh, sorry, my ex Tucker

won't stop calling.

He broke up with me

because he wanted to --

Screw my professor.

I mean, how dare she give me a C

just 'cause I fell asleep

during the final?

I should just change

my major to --

doing cocaine

in the bathroom,

and I'm like,

"Really, mason?

You're railing lines

on Christmas Eve?"

And he's like --

"Uh, those nudes

aren't mine,"

and he accused me

of snooping?

I mean, yes I --

stole his identity,

but Travor gave me chlamydia

first, so, guess what, I --

know that he had sex

with my sister

and expects me

to forgive him?

I mean you're so lucky

you've never had to go

through pain like this.

Anyways, what's up

with you, gal?

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Screams ]

[ Cellphone ringing,

buzzing ]

[ Sighs ]

Heyyyyyy,

chica.

♪♪

♪♪

Becca sucks.

You hate seeing her.

Why don't you just cancel?

I can't.

She's my oldest friend.

You're too nice.

Firm boundaries are the only way

to make people respect you.

Hey Bridg--

No.

See?

You're right.

I'm going to cancel.

[ Cellphone keyboard

clacking ]

[ Text messages

chiming rapidly ]

We're meeting at 7:00.

On her side of town.

She's short on cash,

so I'm buying.

[ Sighs ]

Heeeey, bestie!

Ohmigod, I'm sorry

I'm late,

I forgot you wanted

to meet tonight.

But you called me.

Ugh, the new guy

I'm dating?

Okay he's, like, crazy hot

but such a d*ck.

He, like, expects me

to worship him,

and I'm like, I --

Fair's fair. No!

You know what?

All men are trash.

So, I said to Luc,

it's, like, when will someone

pay attention to me?

Like, when is it

my turn?

Okay, look,

sometimes relationships

become toxic and one-sided,

and then you need

to set boundaries.

Stand up for yourself.

Say, "Enough is enough,

Becca."

Or Rick.

Orwhat's his name?

Wow.

It's Luc.

You should

listen better.

But

that's actually great advice.

Thank you.

Oh.

Um

You're welcome.

Okay, so,

enough about me.

What's up

with you, girl?

Dating anybody?

I'm

married.

You came to my wedding.

I don't think

that's true.

Ugh.

Ugh.

So?

How'd it go

with your BFF?

Pretty well, actually.

She let me

talk a little.

I got some face time

out of the way,

and now I won't have to see her

for another couple years.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Becca?

What are you doing here?

I did it.

I set boundaries

and I broke up with Luc.

[ Sobbing ]

Why is my life so hard

all the time?

Could I crash

with you?

Just for the night?

Umm

I wouldn't ask, except you're

my best friend

and you're responsible

for me

not having anywhere

to sleep tonight.

But I can be homeless,

if that's what you want

No, no,

o-of course you can stay.

Thank you so much.

Emily, can you grab

my stuff?

Becca, you have been in there

for three hours!

I need to shower!

Thank you so much.

I would love an iced coffee.

Becca, you've been binging

old seasons

of "Survivor"

for three days.

Could I watch

something?

Ooh, an iced coffee

sounds yum. Theeenks.

H-Hang on.

Where did all my stuff go?

An iced coffee with minimal ice

would be perf. Theeenk you.

Okay,

she's got to go.

She used all my lotions

and serums,

and now my skin

is barely glowing.

I like her.

She plays

pretend with me.

Becca:

Tiny Butler!

[ Bell rings ]

Right away, ma'am!

I know she's your friend,

but she's taking advantage

of your kindness.

Okay, fine,

I'll tell her to leave.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, gal, can we talk

about something?

That'll be all,

Tiny Butler.

We have fun.

Listen, Becca --

Shut up for a second!

I'm pregnant!

What?

I had breakup sex

with Luc,

and now I'm gonna

have his baby,

and I don't want to

tell him!

I have no money,

but I'm just so thankful

that I have you.

Anyways, what did you want

to talk to me about?

Becca: Ouch!

[ Gasps ]

Becca?

You kicked me out,

so now I live in the trash.

I needed to set

boundaries!

Oh, who would do this

to their best friend?

You're a monster,

Mommy!

Monster!

[ Gasps ]

[ Police sirens wail,

g*ns c*ck ]

Looks like we got

a monster here.

Better call in

animal control.

[ Gasps ]

All: Monster!

Monster!

Nothing! I had absolutely

nothing to tell you.

Good, 'cause I really need

today to be about me, y'know?

It's just

a minor delay.

I'll help her find an apartment,

and she'll be out

before she's

too far along.

[ Yawns ]

Good morning.

Whoa.

Becca.

You got

very pregnant.

Overnight.

I know.

He's growing so fast.

Ooh, he's kicking!

Here, feel!

[ Growls ]

Whoa!

What the f--

I have some follow-up questions

about the birds and the bees.

Me, too.

Let's get out of here.

Ooh, Jersh, while you're out,

I'm having some major cravings.

Can you pick me up

some locusts and goat ears

and, like, mm, some of

the blood of the innocent?

Sure thing.

Theeenks.

Oh, and an iced coffee!

Thenks.

This is nuts!

I know.

I think I can get most of that

stuff at the pet store,

but the blood of the innocent

might be more of Costco thing.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Becca:

[ Gasps ] That's for me!

Guys,

this is Hecate.

Hecate, this is Emily

and Jersh and

the rest.

Hecate's a friend

of Luc's.

She offered to be my doula

for the home birth.

D-Did you say

home birth?

All my work has been

building to this moment.

c*m venerit, et regnabis

stridebo terroremque timuerunt.

[ Chuckles ] What's your

friend's deal? She single?

Oh, God.

Oh.

Effing morning sickness.

At least I made it

to the trash can.

Like a lady.

That's my purse.

Hecate:

[ Speaking Latin ]

Em, you need to

kick her out.

[ Grunts ]

You're right.

That b*tch has

got to go.

[ Gasps ]

Her cellphone.

What are you doing?

"Hey, Luc.

I miss you, I was wrong, you're

so hot, let's get back together.

XO Becca."

If they're together,

she'll move back to his place!

[ Text message chimes ]

He says

he'll be right over!

[ Thunder crashes ]

Oh, my God.

That's probably unrelated,

right?

[ Screaming ]

He approaches.

Oh, yeahhhh!

Luc in the house.

Yo, Becca, get up,

I'm hungry.

What the eff

are you doing here?

Whoa, unh-uh,

you summoned me.

You think I want

to be here?

I'm supposed to be DJ-ing the

Samsung pop-up at the galleria.

Unh, get it,

get it, yeah.

Wait, wait,

wait, wait.

"Luc"

as in "Lucifer"?

Her boyfriend

is the devil?

Yeah, he sucks.

No, like, he's literally

the devil.

Yeah, this guy's

the worst.

I don't want to

talk to you!

Bex, why you being

such a binch?

Oh, snap,

you on the rag?

Nasty!

No, idiot,

I'm pregnant.

Whoa. Dope.

That's hilarious.

I love you

so freakin' much.

I love you

so freakin' much.

Yeah.

Get it, get it.

It's working.

She's gonna move back

in with him!

Everyone, I have

an announcement.

Luc and I are getting

back together.

[ Giggles ]

Yes!

And he's gonna

crash here, too.

What? No!

He can't.

Who's this chick?

She on the rag, too?

Oh, cycle sisters.

Hot.

OMG, Emily,

don't be so uptight.

He can sleep

in my room.

You don't have a room!

Shut up,

my water's breaking!

[ Gasping ]

Come on!

[ Cackling ]

[ Gasps ]

Omnis mundus

erit eius!

Here's some ice chips,

sweetie.

A few more pushes

Ohmigod,

I can't do it!

Where's Luc?

So, I spin at the Burbank Tender

Greens every other Tuesday.

You should

check it out.

Isn't your girlfriend having

your baby in the other room?

Heh.

We don't do labels.

I've got those towels,

Becca.

No, I want

the good towels!

God,

you're selfish.

Oh, I'm selfish?

Sophomore year, you made me

cut my hair

because "our lengths

were too matchy."

I'm the long-haired friend

and you know it!

[ Thunder crashes ]

You borrowed all my clothes

and never gave them back!

It's not my fault

everything looks hotter on me!

You don't care about me.

You take no interest

in my career,

my marriage,

my daughter.

What daughter?

Gahhh!

That's it!

I want you out of my house,

Becca.

And I want you

out of my life!

You're such a freakin'

beeehhhhhtch!

[ Baby crying ]

[ Roars ]

Oh, my God.

Ew! No!

Hell yeah.

That's my baby.

[ Clears throat ]

Well, I guess this is it.

Yeah, Luc and I are off

to the bowels of Hell.

But, before I go,

I need to say something.

I think we should hit pause

on our friendship.

Yeah, I already told you

that I --

No offense,

but you're kind of toxic,

and I can't have

negative energy around my baby.

[ Growls ]

I'm a mama now.

You wouldn't understand.

For the last time,

I have a child.

She's right here.

Ma'am.

Emily, that's

Tiny Butler.

Don't be weird.

[ Dubstep music playing ]

Uh, honk, honk!

Babe! Car! Let's go!

I can't wait!

Get in the car!

Get in the car!

That's my guy.

You'll find one

someday.

[ Inhales sharply ]

Go to hell, Becca.

I am.

You never li--

♪♪