02x05 - Handy/Birthdaze

[bunniefuu]

Pearle: Randy, you up?

Better get your butt outta bed!

You've got a long trip!

[ Yawning ]

[ Country music playing ]

Uh, make sure not to use that

toilet while I'm gone, Ma.

I gotta fix that nasty clog.

Okay.

Have a safe one, baby!

♪♪

♪♪

[ Bicycle bell chimes ]

Your cheapest ticket

to anywhere, please.

Employee: This will serve

as final boarding call

for flight 833 to Denver.

[ Wand squeaking ]

Phew, made it!

One off-da-hook Donkey Sauce

deep-fried Flavorburger, please!

Ah.

[ Cash register dings ]

[ Bicycle bell chimes ]

♪♪

Ma, I got your burger home

in record time!

You can eat it hot for once.

[ Man grunting ]

[ Rhythmic squeaking ]

Pearle: Now stick it in!

Get in there real deep!

Ma?

[ Both grunting ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Grunting continues ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ]

It's not what it looks like.

We're lovers!

Huh?

I love thisman.

Ahoooh.

Ew.

♪♪

♪♪

How could you hire another

handyman behind my back?

I didn't want to hurt

your feelings.

You're a fragile boy.

I'm a fragile man!

And being a handyman

is my thing.

That's why I get

to live here rent-free.

I thought it was because

you're the landlord's son.

[ Splutters ]

Randy, I'm sorry

it came to this,

but things had to get fixed,

and, well, you're

-I'm what?!

-Eh

you may not exactly be good

at fixing things?

Says when?!

[ Muttering ] Numbers, numbers.

[ Gulping ]

[ Grunting ]

That'll hold.

But repairs are my calling.

Maybe find

a different calling?

Yeah!

You're good at tons of stuff.

-Binge-watching.

-Toasting bread?

Not wearing a shirt?

Those examples are bullshit

and you know it!

I'm gonna do what troubled young

men have done for centuries --

Gotosea.

[ Exhales deeply ]

This is where I belong!

[ Metal creaking ]

[ Horn blares ]

[ Shouts, gasps ]

[ Kraken roaring ]

[ Coughing ]

Oh, no!

This is my nightmare --

being cast away

on a desert island,

like in that Tom Hanks movie.

What was the name of that one?

Dang it!

[ Groans ]

"Tom Hanks movies"

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Oh, that was fast.

Tom Hanks was in "Big?"

Huh.

Learn something new everyday.

Hit the old Wikipedia here,

crank the brightness

Better read this slowly

for full comprehension

"Tom Hanks has been featured

in many films

including the one where he is

stranded all alone, by himself.

The title of that movie is"

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Noooooo!

♪♪

♪♪

Noooooo!

Noooooo!

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts, groans ]

Dang it [ Groaning ]

Hammers and nails,

hammers and nails ♪

Nails and hammers,

a ladder or two ♪

We know what to do.

Righty tighty, lefty loosey!

Need more caulk!

-You can't fix anything!

Why are you even trying,

you tiny me's?!

[ Toilet flushes ]

How can I ever repay you?

I take cash, credit,

or maternal love.

Don't pay him, Maaa!

[ Screaming ]

Handy Randy, Handy Randy,

Handy Randy, Randy Hand ♪

[ Screaming continues ]

What is this David Lynch

bullshit?!

[ Laughter ]

[ Screams ]

[ Groans ]

Welp, I guess I did find

my true calling

Death.

Take me now, cruel God!

Bob Vila from "This Old House?"

Tim Allen as that guy

from "Home Improvement"

whose name I forgot?

-[ "Home Improvement" grunt ]

-Ikea Man?

-[ Pops ]

Nice to meat you, too!

You guys are legends!

My handyman inspiration.

We're here to save you, Randy.

If you don't build yourself

a shelter and quick,

you will die.

[ Grunting ] Gruh-oh.

AwI can't build nothing.

I'm not handy.

And even if I were,

I've got no tools.

You've got the most important

tool of all.

[ Pops ]

Me?

Exactamundo!

You're right.

I am a tool.

That's the spirit.

And don't worry,

we've got your back,

right fellas?

[ Grunting ]

♪♪

[ Tree crashes ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Grunting ]

[ Dings, pops ]

♪♪

[ Pops, dings ]

[ Drill whirs ]

Would you look at that?

Home sweet home.

An exact replica

of our building.

What do you guys think?

[ As Josh ] So cool!

[ Feminine ] I wanna bring all

my boyfriends here.

As a working mom who wants

to have it all, I love it!

And I'm Alex!

Son, I'm gonna say this in the

least r*cist accent I can!

You did good.

Also, I love you now.

Thanks, Ma.

Built it all from memory.

Every detail's the same --

the floor's crooked,

the walls are kinda janky.

It's even got that monster

toilet clog.

[ Chuckles ]

Come to think of it,

I could finally

take care of that.

[ Grunting ]

[ Straining ]

What the butt?!

[ Shouts ]

No! Ma!

[ Crying loudly ]

[ Cries ]

I'm sorry

for your loss, Randy.

[ Crying ]

How could this have happened?

No. [ Murmuring ]

Oh, yeah, no.

[ Dings ]

Oh. [ Gasps ]

[ Squeaking ]

♪♪

Oh, no.

If Ma fixes that clog,

the whole house will collapse

and crush everyone!

Unless

Unless I save them.

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Grunts ]

Thank you, guys!

Thank you for teaching me

to give the ultimate handy!

That's a weird way to put it,

but you're welcome.

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

[ Steel drum playing ]

Randy: [ Breathing heavily ]

I'm too late!

[ Shouts ]

Randy!

Clear that clog and we die!

That's a load-bearing clog.

If you clear it

without substituting

a comparable support,

this whole place goes down.

Yeah, okay, buddy.

[ Grunts ]

Take cover, Ma!

[ Grunting ]

Randy?!

What's happening?

I'm rerouting all the pipes

to clear the clog.

Get to your toilets

and wait for my signal!

♪♪

Ax kick! [ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Straining ]

[ Hisses ]

Toothpaste!

[ Hissing ]

[ Grunting ]

You son of a b*tch.

♪♪

Okay, guys!

On the count of three,

I want you to flush that toilet!

I can't do it!

You've got to!

Three, two, one!

Fluuush!

♪♪

That'll hold.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

You saved the house, baby!

[ Island music playing ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

And I'm Alex!

[ Children laughing ]

Ugh, how is it

that every kid

seems to have their birthday

party in the same six weeks?

Aw, they're not that bad.

[ Grunts, chuckles weakly ]

We've got three

more this weekend.

Only three? Lucky.

We've got five.

See you guys

[ Children laughing, shouting ]

♪♪

♪♪

This party rules!

I can't wait for my party

next weekend.

[ Chuckling nervously ]

Us, too

Can't wait

[ Chuckles weakly ]

I can't take

any more forced fun.

Just k*ll me now.

[ Shouts ]

[ Groans ]

Thank you.

♪♪

♪♪

Okay, I've booked the magician

for Candice's party,

ordered the cake,

I bought the decorations,

and scored some Xanax

to get us through it.

When did birthday parties

become so not fun?

Yeah, I feel like the parents

deserve a party

just for going

to all these parties.

Wait, can we do that?

Do what?

Throw a party for the

parents at the same time

as Candice's party.

Can we do that?

I'll get Pearle

to watch the kids!

I'm ordering a keg.

Oh, my God, we could do

weed delivery.

Siri, how do you

make peyote?

Let's buy cocaine!

Too far?

Too far.

[ Children laughing, screaming ]

Hey! [ Blows whistle ]

Put that snot

back in your nose!

[ Gasps ]

That cake is ginormous.

Here comes the cavalry!

Mom, Dad!

Come into the bounce house

with me!

It's so fun!

We have to bring this

to the garage, sweetie.

You go have fun

with your friends.

Hmm

[ Electronic dance music plays ]

This is how you celebrate

a kid's birthday.

No kid sh*t, just booze.

Wow!

Cookies you can eat?

My favorite!

We're the best parents.

[ Clears throat ]

Candice [ Chuckles ]

You're not supposed

to be in here.

But you are.

Uh, let's get off the big metal

juice box, sweetie.

Everybody, we'll be right back.

Drink up!

[ Cheering ]

Hey, look,

the magician's here!

You can set up over there

and start whenever you're ready.

The Amazing Sardini

is always ready!

But where are the parents?

Well, we had this idea

that the parents

could have their own party.

Cool, right?

We got tired of the standard

kids birthday party thing.

But magic is an all-ages

entertainment.

Don't you want to see the look

on your children's faces

when I createillusions?

Yeah

We had this awesome idea

that the parents

could have a party.

So

Uhh

[ Panting ]

[ Cheering ]

Oh, yeah, whippin' out

the six pack!

Whoo-hoo!

-Oh, my God.

Wouldn't it be funny

if we all made out?

Ha, let's get

naked and fight!

[ Grunts ]

-Ow! I'm down.

What the butt?!

We were gone for five minutes!

What'd you expect?

You gave a bunch of parents

a keg.

Everyone knows once you have

kids you can't hold your liquor.

Whoo! I just had a Corona!

[ Groans ]

-[ Gasps ]

[ Moaning ]

And what's the first rule

of Naked Fight Club?

Hey, some nerd is doing magic.

Let's go make fun of him.

What seems like

an ordinary handkerchief

is actually

a magic handkerchief.

[ Dove cooing ]

[ Parents shouting

indistinctly ]

Okay, guys.

Let's get back into the garage.

-Fake thumb!

-Magic sucks!

Suck your own [bleep]!

[ Gasps ]

Ma'am!

There are children here!

[ Cheering ]

Hey kids, watch me

make this beer disappear.

[ Children eww ]

Shut up!

It's a stout,

and it's my second!

Ladies and gentlemen,

if everyone could please respect

the art of magic

for a moment.

[ Booing and jeering ]

Enough!

You wanted a party

without children,

did you not?

[ Indistinct chatter ]

Exite cerimonia!

[ Pops ]

[ Cheering ]

Now that's a good trick.

I took a class

at the Magic Castle, so

Uh

What just happened?

Did he justactually

What did you do?!

Where are the kids?!

I sent them somewhere they can

enjoy a real birthday party,

which you clearly

cannot provide.

If you want them, put on

the hats and go get them.

[ Snaps finger ]

Alex, Bridgette!

Keep the parents distracted.

Hey, I think there's some

artisanal pizzas

in the garage

Ready?

Let's do this.

[ Pops ]

[ Both gasp ]

Where the hell are we?

Gifty: Birthday World,

ya silly bean!

A land of nonstop fun

where the currency is laughs

and it's ill*gal to frown!

Just kidding, we don't

have government here.

O-kay

Where are the kids?

They're atop Mount Cake

in Castle Joy!

Yay, Castle Joy!

[ Children screaming ]

And what's happens

in Castle Joy?

A never-ending birthday party!

It's like Chuck E. Cheese,

except soon your children will

forget they even have parents

[distorted ] and choose

to stay here for all eternity.

[ Normal voice ] Yaaaaay!

[ Dings ]

This place is a nightmare.

Come on!

[ Growling ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Screaming ]

[ Chomping ]

♪♪

[ Both gasp ]

[ Balloons squeaking ]

♪♪

[ Children screaming ]

Candice? We're coming!

[ Screaming continues ]

[ Children cheering ]

Candice?

Are you okay?

Candice?

[ Laughs ] Gotcha!

[ Both gasp ]

Together: Sardini!

[ Children groaning ]

Give us back our daughter,

Sardini.

We survived

all your challenges.

[ Laughs ] But the most

important challenges

are yet to come.

[ Grunts ]

[ Both shout ]

First, you must select

all images

with traffic lights on them!

Really?

Sorry, it's part

of the procedure.

We need to make sure

you're not a bot.

[ Window blipping ]

[ Window chimes ]

Nice, Em!

Next, a test of how well

you know your daughter.

[ Ominous organ plays ]

What is her favorite

kind of birthday cake?

Easy,

she likes strawberries.

No!

[ Organ blares ]

[ Screams ]

No!

It's a trick question!

Candice loves all cake.

Her favorite is going to be

the biggest one.

Oh, yeah!

Very good.

Now, what is her favorite

birthday activity?

Well, she did say she wanted

to bounce with us.

But remember how hard

she laughed

when we played musical chairs

and I fell on my face?

She also loves it

when I swing the piñata.

Don't worry, children!

If they get it wrong,

you'll spend the rest

of your days

living off of nutritious

Necco Wafers!

Yaaay!

[ Roaring ]

It could be

any of these things.

That's the answer.

It's all of these.

Her favorite activity

is the one she does with us.

You are correct!

But for your final test,

answer the question

of a special guest.

Mom, Dad?

Candice!

[ Breathing heavily ]

Ah-ah-ah, first you answer

the question.

Uh

Why'd you guys want to spend

time in the garage

instead of with me?

We blew it, honey.

We didn't mean to ignore you.

We just wanted to do something

nice for the parents,

and we got

wrapped up in it.

Sometimes parents want

to have grown-up fun,

but we were selfish.

Today should've been about you.

And to show me how sorry you are

you'll get me an iPad Pro?

Well

[ Both chuckling nervously ]

Great. Amazing Sardini,

this place is cool,

but I'd like

to finish my party at home.

Very well.

-Candice!

-Candice!

Congratulations, parents.

You learned the true

meaning of birthdays.

Hooray!

[ Hacking ]

You are free to go.

Candice, I must admit

I was hoping

you would choose

to stay here with me.

You see, I have no children

of my own.

I can't have them.

Skateboarding accident

when I was a teen.

I was doing a trick

on a handrail.

I think you can imagine

how that went.

[ Inaudible ]

The one thing

that gives my life purpose

is letting children

d-- d--

Guess it's just you

and me again.

There, there, Sardini.

[ Slurping ]

Both moaning ]

Unwrap me

Oh, yes, mmm

Oh, Gifty

[ Parents snoring ]

And the 12th thing only

a true '90s kid will remember

is Tamagotchis.

[ Snoring ]

Hey, I thought they'd never

fall asleep.

Awwthey look so peaceful.

[ Cheering and laughter ]

I-I'm awake!

I was watching them the whole

time. [ Breathes deeply ]

[ Whispering ] Shhh!

We just got them down!

Can I go in the bouncy house?

With you guys?

-Let's get in that bounce house.

As a family!

[ Laughter ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

tell me more about this

universal basic income.

[ Electronic dance music plays ]

Hey, man, you do you.

♪♪