03x06 - Unexpected Attention

[bunniefuu]

Nothing united the UK
more than a Telethon.

Everyone mucking in,

trying to raise money
for the less fortunate

by humiliating yourself
in front of your neighbours.

Even celebrities came down
from their ivory towers

to show us they were just like us.

Telethons were brilliant,
but completely bonkers.

Oh, love - drop this in to Mary.
She's knitting a blanket for Africa.

That'll have to be massive.

-YOUNG ALAN: - Mum!
-Yes, I'm here.

What took you so long?

-Right, here y'are. Watch out.
-Ugh!

That's not gonna touch the sides!

Alan, I bought every tin they had.
I didn't know you'd need this many.

I need photographic evidence.

No-one is gonna care.
You're in a bath of beans.

I'm supposed to be up to my neck.

Poor kids could be eating these.
You'd be better off donating 'em.

-Oh, well, I can't now, can I?
-This is disgusting, Alan.

Eww!

Here. Both of you,
down the wings at the same time.

-Sign that.
-What?

Sign... that.

It's for charity, for the Telethon.

Geoff Capes is doing a raffle
for Anglia TV.

It's gonna get spicy.
Here, get Banjo to sign it an' all.

Quick, quick.
Have you ever held a pen before?

That's it, good boy.

No, no, no, no, no, no!
No, no-one wants you on the ball.

Ah, no, they'll want
the manager, surely.

No-one cares
about the manager, Gray.

Well, why are you signing it?

I'm just injecting
a bit of personality, ain't I?

Give that to Wingnut
when he's off the bogs.

Cheers, Gray.

I'd want you on my ball, Gaff.

Aye. Thanks, Alfie.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Ange, you ain't got
a few tins of beans, have you?

We're in a right state.

I didn't know things were that bad.

If your cupboards are bare,

you can always send the boys to me
for a feed.

We'll say nothing of it.
Mi casserole es tu casserole.

Oh, for God's sake! We're just doing
a bath of beans for charity.

Well, we're trying.
We're about 20 tins short.

That's why we're here. Charlie's
doing a camp-out, Saturday.

-Oh.
-Nigel's digging a fire pit as we speak.

-Careful you don't fall in.
-Just whatever you can afford.

Charlie's raised £78 so far.

Yeah, 30 quid of that's from you.

He's having a camp-out.
Load of mates coming round.

-For the Telethon.
-Oh, which mates?

-Michael Gudgeon... Bradley...
-Who else?

-Jake.
-Jake?

Maybe Alan could camp out,
instead of the beans.

Oh, well, that's very...

You'd like that,
wouldn't you, with the boys?

-UNDER BREATH: Mum, no.
-Oh, no! Not with Charlie.

He's done enough
for charity already.

No, no, I meant maybe Graham
could put a tent up in your garden.

If he's got time.

Course he has.
Yeah, we might do that.

No, no, no, no, we will not.
I'm watching the Telethon.

Oh, and Kay's staying over.

Christine! I'd never let Charlie
have a girl stay over.

Like flies round muck.

Well, Alan and Kay
are very sensible.

Easier to trust 'em
when they look like that.

Alan respects girls, Ange.

They learn from their fathers,
don't they? Right, come on, Alan,

Let's dig that tent out.
It'll be an adventure.

- BELL RINGS KAY:
- So, the sleepover...

Sure you don't want me
to bring anything?

No. Just yourself.
I'll put out some light bites.

And are you sure you're all right
sleeping outside?

It's a tent, Alan, not a kennel.

MUSIC: 'Sleep Walk'
by Santo and Johnny

So, I will have to ask my mum,
but... I'm sure you can.

I'd love to...

not.

Rather sleep in a bin! My God!

But you did give me a note.
She gave me a note!

Why would I wanna hang out
with them two?

You literally asked him
if you could go, you idiot.

Yeah, I'M the knob [!]
They've got eight eyes between them.

Well, they can see
you're an idiot, then.

Er, settle down, please.

Ignore her. I always do.

I think it sounds like a laugh,
Alan. I love a light bite.

-I'd go.
-TEACHER: - Er, settle down.

ALAN: Had all the girls in the class
sipped on a love potion?

I was irresistible!

Right, er... No.

You forget, don't you,
when you haven't done it for a bit.

It'll all come back. You'll see.

"Dyb-dyb-dab" and all that.

-Maybe read that.
-Ah. Don't, er...

Don't need that.

ALAN: My dad could a build

an 11-man goal-scoring
league-winning team from scratch.

A two-man tent... forget it!

GRAHAM SIGHS

Tom's come to help,
and he's brought his flash tent.

All right? Yeah. Heard you
over the hedge, flapping about.

God, you must think we're incapable.

"We"? Well, no, I can, er...
I can do it.

I've just been distracted,
thinking about the game.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Look, you do what you need to do.

-It's fine.
-Right, let's get this up.

Oh, right.

Right, OK. Er...

Thank you for coming over.

I mean... I can do it. Er...

Er...

Yeah.

-Bye.
-See you.

-It's a proper tent.
-Yeah, it is.

-Very nice.
-It's a palace.

I said to him,
make 'em suffer a bit.

Oh, they will.
It gets freezing in the early hours.

I mean, we really have
to snuggle up.

-Do you, erm...
-CLEARS THROAT

-Do you camp out a lot, then?
-Yeah. Yeah, we do.

It's not always easy booking things,
holidays, when you're...

...when you're us.

No. No.

Look, I didn't like to assume.

Christine, I was blaring
Nana Mouskouri, White Rose Of Athens

at full blast this morning.

- SHE LAUGHS
- The signs were all there.

I think I can get used to this!

Wish we had a telly in here.

Imagine a little telly that
you could carry around with you.

Not everyone's obsessed
with telly, Alan.

Oh, but they would be
if they had one of those.

Nothing else would get done.

I wonder how the boys
over the road are doing.

Lucky they got Jake.
He's very outdoorsy, isn't he?

He doesn't even wear a coat
during winter -

just his burgundy fleece.

I think he and his brothers
did Venture Scouts, growing up.

He could probably rub
two stones together to make a fire.

He is very dexterous.

Isn't he?!

-SO dexterous, it makes you sick.
-HE CHUCKLES

Bet you wish it was him in here
right now, don't you?

Not really.

-Do you?
-CHRISTINE: - Alan?

Your friend's here... Georgie.

-WHISPERS: - Did you invite Georgie?
-WHISPERS: - No.

ECHOING: - I'd like
to stroke your back.

I love a light bite.

Oh, my God, she fancies me!

Oh, hello.

Just wanted to see how you were,
after the other day.

-Oh, what happened the other day?
-Nothing. I just felt a bit sick.

Oh.

How lovely of you to check in.

Yeah...

Thanks.

ALAN: What was Georgie doing here?

I could only fit so many girls
in my tent.

-Was there anything else?
-Would you like a drink?

No liquids for me, thank you.

I don't want to end up weeing
in the birdbath.

Yes, well, the girls might like one.
Something fizzy?

-Oh, yeah, that'd be great, thanks.
-Oh, you pop in, love.

Right, out we get. Come on.

WHISPERS: - She's made
an effort. She's wearing lipstick.

-Ow!
-Come on.

'Your host for the next 27 hours,
Michael Aspel.'

ASPEL: - 'Thank you
very much. Not a bad start.

'Welcome to Telethon -


MUSIC: 'Sleep Walk'
by Santo and Johnny

ALAN: Hair up, hair down,
scrunchy off -

make your mind up, love.

Then it hit me...

She was flirting.

God, is that Lionel Blair
with a moustache?

You watching the whole thing?

Yes.

Liza Goddard's about to abseil
down the BT Tower.

It's 27 hours of pure magic,
Georgie.

Charlie Hudson lives near you,
doesn't he?

Yeah, just across the road.

The boys are all camping
at his tonight. Jake and them.

Oh, I know. We're all at it.

Maz was gonna go too,
but Charlie's mum said

you can't trust a girl
near a sleeping bag.

'You can see


We should ring in.

-Might get a celeb.
-CHUCKLES



-OK, let's go.
-CHUCKLES

'Now we go to Southampton, TVS,
Fern Britton and Fred Dinenage...'

- ALAN:
- It's ringing!

-Alan's great, isn't he?
-Yeah, he's great.

-He is great, yeah.
-Still ringing!

Charlie said they were gonna
do a Ouija board.

You shouldn't do them outdoors.
The weather throws the results off.

Think they were mucking about.

You don't muck about
with the astral plane.

I'm through!
Oh, no, it's still ringing.

Have you ever done one?

-Why are you here?
-To see Alan.

-You never normally bother with Alan.
-Me and my sister did one.

We got this woman. She'd been
m*rder*d by her neighbour.

Hit her over the head
with a frying pan.

She spelt out "F... R... Y..."

I can spell "frying pan", thanks.

She said he's still
out there somewhere...

and he'll k*ll again.

Evening, all!
THEY SCREAM

NICK SCREAMS

TELETHON THEME PLAYS

'Welcome back.'

Fancy a little nightcap?

-Er...
-Erm...

Yeah. Yeah. Erm... just a minute.

Sorry, love.
Nick's here to see your dad.

-You're gonna have to go upstairs.
-Oh, really?

Alan's been having a...
pyjama sleepover thing.

-We're giving them a bit of space.
-Fair play, mate.

You crack on...

...Don Julio.

Naughty dog, isn't he? Shall we?

-Beautiful home.
-Thank you.

Lovely to finally meet you, Chrissy.

-Mwah.
-It's Christine.

'Ere, do us a favour.

Crack this open for us,
will you? Oh!

HE LAUGHS
Oh! Eh! Only joking.

HE LAUGHS
Safer hands than your keeper.

Yeah - Vince.
You should probably learn his name.

Ah, sod that.

I ain't learning all them names.
They won't last.

HE GROANS

Speaking of which,
you might wanna have a sit down.

I am sitting.

You might wanna have
a lie down, then.

Right, I'll get the glasses.

Redhead?

Very nice.

Always been partial to a redhead.

I've settled on a blonde for now,

but I truly believe
men should experience

every colour of the rainbow.

Bugger me!

When'd Lionel Blair get a tache?

ALAN: If you thought
it was tense downstairs...

Have you seen Godspell?

No.

-I know what we could do.
-Hm?

-You did what?
-I sold him.

He's gone, out the door.

He wanted to say bye to you,

but I know how emotional you get
about these things, Gray,

and I couldn't put
the poor bugger through it.

-He's just a kid.
-He's 28.

Whatever. The point is... 28?

Bloody hell!

He's getting on a bit.
I did you a favour there.

Take him out back and sh**t him,
never mind sell him.

I signed him on his 18th birthday.

It's took ten years, but he's...
he's there now, he's solid.

Apparently so.
Silly b*stards paid 15K for him.

See, but this is what
I'm talking about Gray.

MIMICS GRAHAM: "I signed him
on his 18th birthday."

-You're too attached.
-I'm... I'm not attached, but you...

you consult me before selling
my strongest defender.

-We discuss these things.
-Discuss it? What for?

AS GRAHAM: You'd say "tomato"...
NORMAL VOICE: ..I'd say "tomato",

but I don't wanna call
the whole thing off, Gray,

cos we're barely
getting started, son.

-We need him.
-We need cash.

We need lots of cash, Graham.
And fast.

-CHRISTINE: - Right, here we go.
-Thank you.

Up the Cobblers.

ALAN: - Georgie,
there's a toilet up here.

MUFFLED VOICES
FROM LIVING ROOM

ALAN: Something told me Georgie
wasn't after a midnight snack.

NICK, FAINTLY: - Our team goes
that way, your team goes that way.

We kick it that way,
we stop 'em kicking it that way.

GRAHAM: - No, but
there's a science behind it.

Sometimes, the referee...

DOOR OPENS

Bit of fresh air, yeah.

I mean, we could just sit
in the garden for a little bit.

-Who lives there?
-What?

Oh, well, Tom.
And Jez, sometimes, I think.

Two blokes? What, are they brothers?

No, they're not brothers. They're...

...friends.

Sounds well g*y.

-Dare you.
-Oh!

This is tedious.

We just sat watching a woman
put a harness on for ten minutes.

That woman is one of the great
comic minds of our time.

-Have you seen Give Us A Clue?
-Egg it. Go on, egg the door.

YOU egg it!

That's not how it works.
I dared you.

-How about NO-ONE eggs the door?
-Watch this.

Oh! See? Easy.

What's the problem? You mates
with these benders or something?

HE YELPS

-Good shot.
-God, there's so much egg in an egg!

-Which one's Charlie's house?
-The one on the corner.

Be back in a minute.

-She's not coming back, is she?
-No.

Let's go back in.
We don't want to miss Des O'Connor.

Er... I'll keep an eye on her.

And say hello to Jake.

- FAINT LAUGHTER
- Georgie!

- WHISPERS:
- Georgie, are you in there?

-Shh! Get in.
-Oh!

-Hey, hi.
-SINGSONG: - Hello!

-Jake.
-Good timing. Drink?

Yeah. Go on, then.

I'd watched enough Jilly Goolden
on Food And Drink

to know which face to pull,
necking spirits.

Limit your reaction
to just one eyelid.

A manly sigh at the end.

Do not cough!

HE COUGHS

HE CHUCKLES

-It'll put hairs on your chest, that.
-We're playing Never Have I Ever.

Oh, God!

-Let's do something else, eh?
-No, Georgie's turn. Go on.

Hmm... Never have I ever...

...done fourth base.

I knew what first base was,
but beyond that, I had no idea.

First base, fourth base -
how many bases does a woman have?

BRADLEY: - I'm sure
Alan can help you, Georgie.

- BRADLEY LAUGHS
- Don't worry, Al.

It's just a game, innit?

We all know
who you've got your eye on.

Oh, shut it, Bradley.
Leave Alan alone.

I'm bored of this now. Come on.

How's your tent?

There's something quite liberating.
I'd love to live in a tent, me.

Waking up to that zip coming down
every morning,

-it would make me smile.
-LAUGHTER

That sounds good to me.
Never change, Alan.

- ANGE:
- Hello, happy campers.

I'm gonna hide a few Pepperamis
round the garden, couple of Twixes.

You can sniff 'em out
like little badgers.

- CHARLIE:
- We've got stuff in here.

Yeah, but you want the full
wilderness experience, don't you?

-Can you just get lost, Mum?
-Ooh!

Someone's getting the grumpy-wumps.
All right, my angel. Oh...

Little clue for you - flower pot.

-That's all I'm saying.
-ALAN: - Thanks, Ange!

FAINT CHATTER

Kay! Where you been?

-All right, Chris?
-Sorry, Nige.

-You Christine's mate?
-I'm in Charlie's class.

Oh, the little elderly girl!

-Right... out you get.
-Er, excuse me!

You've got a couple of stowaways.

Alan? You've left poor Kay
on her own. Out.

-Alan is not in there.
-I mean... he might not be.

-Agh!
-Christine, you are having some sort of episode.

Georgie came round ours to see Alan
but obviously got other ideas

when she heard there was a tent full
of boys across the road. Excuse me.

-Nigel, do something.
-Christine, come on, sweetheart.

Don't!

-ALAN: - Oh, hi, Mum.
-Is that...? Give me that.

Right, all of you out. Now!

Come on.

-Bradley, mind the Twix.
-GRUMBLING

-Out.
-BRADLEY: What is your mum like?

Oh, come on. Georgie...

I can see your topknot
poking through the sleeping bag.

They've been drinking.

-It weren't me!
-Yeah, he only gave us a f*g.

-Oi, Bradley, stop talking.
-It was me. I brought it.

-Sorry!
-I can't believe this.

You have no idea what's going on
in your own back garden.

Did Alan put you up to this,
my darling?

Of course he didn't!

Cos I know he was gagging
to get in that tent.

Right, Alan, we're off.

And you, Georgie.
Get your stuff from ours.

I thought you said
you could trust him.

You don't even know what's going on
in your own back garden.

-State of it.
-What?

Oh...

Christine.
Don't you walk away from me.

Christine, I know you can hear me.
You've got a bloody cheek.

At least I'm not losing
other people's children.

That's the first friend
he's had round

since he let the rat
out of the cage.

Oh, yeah - you love to show off
about your Charlie's mates

cos you haven't got any of your own!

I'll remember that next time
you come begging for food.

-Whoa! Calm down a bit.
-Begging to you?

Oh, no, no, you crack on, girls.
This is lovely stuff.

-They always like this?
-Yes. -No.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
once they get going,

-they're like wildcats, they are.
-Oh!

No biting, please, girls.

TOM: - No, I won't keep
quiet. I'm fed up with it.

-We need to find out who did this.
-Boys? Is everything all right?

Someone's thrown eggs
at our front door.

We were just sat down to watch
The Golden Girls, and then "thwack".

God, that's awful. I'm so sorry.
Well, do you reckon it was kids?

Well, either that or a chicken
fired one out mid-flight.

Hey, Jez, it's not funny.

-You know, we had a lot of this sort of thing at the old place.
-Yeah.

-They just can't seem to leave us alone.
-No.

Oh, my God, are you...? They're...

What? No!

No, no! I was talking to you
about carburettors earlier!

He said he supported
Dagenham Rovers!

Oh, I'm sorry, Nigel.

Which team should a poof support?
Arsenal?

No! No!

You've...
You've done this on purpose!

You've...
You've been leading me on.

I'm sorry, Nige,
but you're really not our type.

At all.

My God,
it's spreading up the street.

First your house, now theirs.
I'm gonna wake up like Navratilova!

Right, can we just stop? Please?
I'll do it, I'll clean it up.

It's... It's fine. It's nearly done
anyway now, so... But thank you.

Well, look, come in for a cuppa.
I insist.

Well, as long as you're sure?

Er... yeah,
you're Christine's friend...

Yeah, both of you can...
with the both of...

I'm gonna put the kettle on.
Come on.

GARY: Why you being weird?
THEY SIGH

-Well, we will not be coming.
-Good! You weren't invited!

Hm!

NIGEL: I ask you,
what is the world coming to?

THEY CONTINUE
GRUMBLING

-Shall we go?
-Yeah.

And there was me thinking

sitting in a bath full
of cold baked beans was humiliating,

but seeing him putting his arm
round her and walking off...

well, my toes curled
and my stomach churned.

CHRISTINE TUTS

There's plenty more fish
in the sea, love.

No. No, there aren't.
That was my fish... and they were...

-Oh, love!
-They're holding hands.

I really thought
that I had a chance.

She just wasn't the one, darling.

NICK: Night, Chrissy.

I wasn't talking about Georgie.

I know.

I've known for ages.

NICK: Night, Alan.

♪ I tell my blues they mustn't show

♪ But soon
These tears are bound to flow

♪ Cos it's raining

♪ Raining in my heart

♪ Raining in my heart

♪ Raining in my heart. ♪