01x05 - Lure, Part of a Trap

[bunniefuu]

[lorry reversing]

♪ I'm not afraid to die today ♪

♪ I could've chose somebody else to love ♪

♪ Give me the g*n ♪

♪ I'll take the blame ♪

♪ And cover up
Your darker shade of blood ♪

♪ I'll feel the rain ♪

♪ And turn the pain into coal ♪

[keys jingling]

Hello?

[door creaks]

[woman speaking Hindi on TV]

Mummy? Baba?

Q?

[suspenseful music playing]

f*ck!

[woman] Why not? I'm his partner.
You can tell me if he's here or not.

You can't keep him.

You can't keep him unless you charge him.
Have you charged him?

[female officer] Listen,
like I said to you before--

I need to know if he's here.
I've been sat there for over an hour now.

[female officer] Listen,
someone is going to come

and talk to you in a minute.
So you need to go take a seat--

[woman] Okay. I'll give you ten minutes
and then I'm taking your name and number.

[Shah] Hi. I'd like to--

[tapping keyboard]

Yeah, I'd like to report a missing family.

Whole family's gone missing, have they?

Yes. I think they've been kidnapped
by t*rrorists.

But domestic ones.

[whispers] The white ones.

- [Shah] Q-U-R-R...
- [officer] Q-U-R...

[Shah] Erm, A-T.

Hyphen. U-L. Hyphen. A-I-N.

- [officer] Two hyphens, okay.
- Yeah. That's what she goes by, Q.

[officer clears throat] Okay,
I wanna go back to the, erm,

- the "bust-up"...
- [Shah] Mmm-hmm.

...that you said you had with your family.

Well, that's not really that relevant.

What, erm, 'cause what I'm saying is,
if you just hack into this,

this was set up in the living room,
so whatever has taken place

will definitely have been
recorded on this.

- [officer] Yeah, so...
- So if we can just get into that--

So that's a very different
kind of investigation.

- It's a much longer process.
- Yeah, cybercrime, really.

And this falls under missing persons.

So, all we're trying to do
is just help you find--

Why didn't you report the pig's head
when you first got it?

Sorry, Rog,
just that detail stuck with me,

- d'you know what I mean?
- Yeah, yeah, of course.

That was... That's different.

I'm reporting this crime now--

Alleged crime.

I'm sorry, maybe I'm being
a bit paranoid here.

Am I like a suspect
or something like that in this case?

Easy now. You know, no one said
anything about a suspect.

[officer 2]
We just need to ask questions, sir,

in order to conduct
a proper investigation.

So that's why I'm asking,
why didn't you report the pig's head?

I thought I could handle it myself
with my private security consultant.

You got a security consultant?

'Cause I'm an actor and I'm in the news.

Sorry, you're in the-- You're in the news?

Yeah. I might be the next James Bond.

[Rogers snickers]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So you're saying that you're actually,
like, a famous actor?

I didn't say famous, no. I just said--
Well, actually, yes.

My Bond callback
is later on this afternoon.

But I can't be there if I'm here
and I'm here because my--

Right, so I'm just making sure.
We've got private security detail,

auditioning to be the next...

- [Shah] James Bond.
- James Bond.

- James Bond.
- 007.

And got sent the severed pig's head
by r*cist trolls.

I did. Because they don't want me to be
the next James Bond.

Right, which is why these people
have also abducted your family?

That's my current working theory, yeah.

[the pig head] You sound
completely f*cking mental.

[officer 2] Okay, mate.

Erm, give us a few minutes,
and we'll be right back.

All right.

- [Rogers clears throat]
- [door opens]

[door closes]

You've got to be kidding me!

[the pig head] What in the sh1tting hell
are you doing, man?

[Shah shushes]
If you keep your mouth shut,

then maybe I can focus.

[the pig head] Focus on this,
you sentient ballbag.

You should be at home
preparing for the audition.

- Shut up!
- [the pig head] Ouch!

And you most certainly should not be here.

You're not the hero of this story.

To them, you're the villain.

- Trust me.
- They're gonna google me.

And when they do,
they're gonna see all the Bond chat

and they're gonna see
that I'm telling the truth.

[the pig head] And then
they can tell the papers

how you showed up here
with a severed pig's head.

Think, you turgid gimp.

Think!

[drum roll music playing]

f*ck!

[indistinct conversation]

[horns honking]

- [Shah] Sorry!
- [woman] Watch where you're going!

[the pig head] Be cool, man.
Police are gonna be watching.

No, they're not.
I'm just looking for my family.

- That's not a crime, is it?
- [the pig head] Hey! Calm the f*ck down.

- I saved you back there.
- All right. Okay, I'm sorry.

- And thank you.
- [the pig head] That's more like it.

All you've got to do is walk normally.

Very weird walk, man.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [exhales]

- [the pig head] Be normal.
- None of this is normal!

[frantic music playing]

[the pig head] Ouch!

Oh, whoopsie-daisy.

[the pig head] Gently, c*ck fingers.

Okay, lock the doors.

Close the curtains.

Let's run lines.
Audition's in eight hours.

Wait! Wait, where are you going?

[Shah] I need to find the right USB.

[the pig head] The only camera
that matters is at the screen test.

Shah, time's running out!

Say the words with me!

[clears throat]

Do you want to know
what it's like doing the dirty work?

Fighting everyone and being no one.

I don't live with myself.

- I live--
- [Shah] Come on, come on!

[the pig head] Hello?

I'm giving you gold here.

f*cking yes! That's right, m*therf*cker.

- [opens bag]
- Urgh!

[the pig head] This is all a distraction.

Classic self-sabotage.

[Shah] Oh, sh*t. Come on.

[keyboard clacking]

- [access denied beep]
- f*ck.

[the pig head] You're not afraid
for your family.

- You're afraid of success.
- [access denied beep]

Even if they have been kidnapped,
you're no superhero spy.

Becoming one should be our focus.

[access denied beep]

Why don't you try helping for a change?

[the pig head] I am helping!

The only version of you that has any value
to your family or anyone else is Bond.

Shut the f*ck up!

[the pig head] Oh, God,
Zulfi's as basic as they come.

- Try his birthday, obviously.
- Oh!

[scoffs]

- [access denied beep]
- Oh, f*ck!

[the pig head]
You don't even know his birthday?

Some brother you are.
Okay, are we done now?

Can we get back to work?

The security consultant?

[Shah] Oh, yeah...

[the pig head] If you were this obsessive
about your craft, you'd have a career.

[siren wailing distantly]

[suspenseful music playing]

[vehicles passing]

[train station announcement]
This is a security message.

If you see something
that doesn't look right,

speak to staff
or text British Transport Police on 61016.

[the pig head] This is a waste of time.

- Oh, sh*t!
- [the pig head] What?

[Shah] Er, we've got a problem.
We've got dogs.

[the pig head] Oh, dear.
I'm dry-aged, you realise.

Turn around now.

[Shah] I can't turn around.
They've spotted us. It'll be suspicious.

[the pig head] You're a sweaty brown man
with a blood-stained duffel bag.

You're already f*cking suspicious.

Let's just chill out, okay?
Just have some faith.

- I'm an actor, aren't I?
- [the pig head] Oh, God.

[dog barks]

Excuse me, sir.

I'm not doing anything.

I'm not even here to catch a train.

[the pig head] Oh, God...

- [dog barking]
- [the pig head] No! No! Get back!

- Do you mind if we take a look in the bag?
- Sorry?

[the pig head] Down, boy!

- What's in the bag, sir?
- [the pig head] Stop, you f*ck!

- [K-9 officer] Sir?
- That won't be necessary.

[speaking indistinctly]

Yep.

- If you say so.
- Good man.

[K-9 officer] Have a good day.

How'd you do that?

Well, I've still got a few tricks
up my sleeve

when it comes to law enforcement.

- Must be nice to be tall and white, huh?
- [laughing]

The membership has its privileges.
Shall we?

- It's a complete f*cking mess.
- Mm.

- I tried to go to the police.
- Well, there's your first mistake there.

Come on, man.
We're gonna find your family, all right?

- Okay. Okay.
- Yeah?

Yeah, it feels good to hear you say that.
'Cause nobody believes me.

[the pig head] I like him.
He makes me feel safe.

Gonna put a call out on something
called the Kilner System, all right?

Now, luckily,
Wembley is CCTV'd to the hilt.

So if your family have been
on any street actually in London

in the last eight hours,

I will be able to track
their exact location down to the inch.

And as soon as I get a ping,
you'll be the first to know, all right?

- Really?
- Yeah, man. All good.

That's f*cking amazing. Thank you.

I didn't realise your, erm,
your company had that kind of reach.

My company has the biggest reach there is.

All right? Don't worry-- Look, listen.
Here's the thing, right?

Your family, that's today's problem, yeah?
What about tomorrow's problem?

Now, do you want to be reactive,
or do you want to be proactive?

- I wanna be proactive.
- Of course you f*cking do.

You are on the precipice
of something massive,

and all that backlash
that you've been experiencing recently,

it will only get worse.
Trust me, I know.

I've f*cked the audition,

and my prospects have
gone down the toilet, so...

Listen, I wouldn't be here
talking to you now if that was the case.

Would I?

So you've got your recall later, correct?

- Yeah.
- Yeah...

So you're gonna go in there,
you're gonna do your audition,

and when you do,

those "decision makers"
will be primed in your favour.

- What, I'm--
- Do you understand?

Well, how, how...

How are you gonna do that?

Are you MI5?

It's okay.

Holy f*ck. Okay.

It's not a big deal.

It's not a big deal. Okay, listen to me.

I'm the only call
you'll ever need to make.

We've got your back.

What?

- There's a catch, isn't there?
- No...

I mean, look, every relationship's
a two-way street, isn't it? So...

Basically, what we're trying to do is,
we just wanna build bridges...

er, to your community.

And in order to do that,
we rely on individuals, such as yourself,

just to help us with, erm, messaging.

You know, as a prominent Muslim,
and soon to be more so,

your voice,
it carries a lot of weight, Shah.

So let's use it. Yeah?

Right.

[the pig head] Shah, let's sidebar. Now!

Just remember we're the good guys. Yeah?

Don't forget that.

[the pig head] Shah!

Obviously. I just need the toilet.
I'm gonna be right back.

- All right, mate, yeah.
- Don't go anywhere. Thank you.

I'll be here.

So? I mean, that sounds shady as sh*t. No?

[the pig head] Shah, I was wrong.

Going to Nigel was a masterstroke,
albeit an accidental one.

What are you talking about?
He wants me to be a snitch!

[the pig head] Snitch? He's not asking you
to honey trap an ayatollah, is he?

He's offering you the role of a lifetime
in exchange for some light PR work.

- I'm not a sell-out fed, sorry.
- Sell-out?

Well, pardon me, Nelson pissing Mandela.

You want to star in a franchise
that brazenly sells watches,

cars and the British Secret Service.

This is the only way
you will land this role.

I guess I just always thought
I was someone who represents...

us to them.
You know, not f*cking them to us.

[the pig head] You're not representing
them or us.

This is about you, Shah,
and who you want to be.

And put simply, do you want to be
talking to a pig's head in a toilet,

panicking about your career
and your family,

or do you want to be the hero
of this story? The ultimate sh1tting hero.

Because that, my friend,
is what is on the table.

[the pig head] Shah?

Shah, what the hell are you doing, man?

Hello?

I'm improvising.

[the pig head] Oh, God. Actors!

[shushes]

f*ck off.

[intense music playing]

f*ck.

Move!

Watch out!

[inaudible]

[the pig head] Okay, okay.

What in Satan's gusset did you just do?

We were this close.

Answer me!

- Hello?
- [the pig head] Oh, God, more improv.

No one's watching,
you malodorous piss-flap.

What's your problem, man?

My problem is that I care about you, Shah.
I want to make you better.

No, 'cause you say
that you're trying to help me,

but all you do is sh*t on me!

[the pig head] It's tough love,
and it's the only voice you understand.

If I humiliate you, it's to save you

from the bigger humiliation
of remaining as you are!

You wanna chill out.

I'm in control now.

And I know where we're going.

[the pig head] No, no, no!
Please don't fake hang up on me.

You need me.

[the pig head] Fine,
I'm willing to try things your way.

But if we want to be Bond,
why are we at Taliban HQ?

These savage little Ewoks
only hold us back.

Don't leave me out here!

[soft music playing]

[indistinct prayers]

[Shah] Excuse me. Sorry.

Excuse me? Assalamu-Alaikum.
Uncle? Can I have a word, please?

Why are you calling me uncle?
We're the same age.

Are we? I mean, I'm sorry.

I'm actually here to look for someone.

Someone who's gone missing. My brother.
Zulfi? I think you know him.

He's the big guy who does the cabs.
Have you, have you seen him?

Salaams, we're just about
to start prayer.

Come and join us,
and then afterwards, we can talk.

[Shah] Okay.
It's just a bit of an emergency.

Excuse me. Assalamu-Alaikum, everyone.

My family has gone missing.

Erm, my parents,
Parvez Latif and my mother, Tahira Latif.

My siblings Zulfi and Q-urrat-ul-ain?

I think some of you know them.
I was just wondering if, er...

if you might have heard anything.

I was just hoping someone
might be able to help.

[man] Pig!

Pig's head! Pig! Pig's head!
[speaking other language]

[in English] Someone's left a pig's head
at the front gate.

[all gasp]

You're probably
best to leave that... alone. It's...

Well, it's...

He's with me.

It's... It's mine!

It's mine. [chuckles]

[congregation shouting]

[man] Get out of here! Move!

[the pig head] Go the other way!

[shouting continues]

[the pig head] Quick, down here!

[Shah panting]

[skinhead] Oi!

Get him!

Get the Paki!

[the pig head] sh*t!
Look what you've done, Shah.

You owe me an apology, mate!

Under 90 seconds for the algorithm, yeah?

[the pig head] I told you,
your failures would catch up to you.

- IDF b*stard!
- Who recruited you? Mossad?

- IDF!
- 100% Mossad.

[the pig head] I told you.

[woman] He's not Dev Patel.

He's much too short.

[the pig head]
You can't handle them alone.

I told you that you need to be...

Him.

[intense music playing]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[screaming]

[grunting]

[woman groans]

[the pig head] Yes.

Yes, the strong must replace the weak.

Your turn now, Shah.

[intense music playing]

[honks honking]

[the pig head] This is the only way.

Can't you see? Surrender!

Surrender!

- [tyres screech]
- [Shah grunts]

[groans]

[woman] Oh, my God, are you okay?

[groans]

No... No...

No... No...

[the pig head] How bad is it?

No, no, no. It's not bad. It's not bad.

- It's not too bad.
- I feel like it's pretty bad.

It feels like I'm missing an eye.

Am I missing an eye?

You're gonna be okay, all right?
You're gonna be okay.

[the pig head] Oh, it's cold.
It's so cold.

I don't want to die.

[Shah] Stay! I can't do this without you.

[the pig head] I know. You really can't.

That other guy, though,

the one chasing you, he had potential.

Why? Why did you resist?

[Shah] You tell me.

You're the only one who gets it.
You're the only one who gets me.

That's why I need you.

But I don't even know...

who you were.

[the pig head]
I was who you needed me to be,

hidden inside the voice
of Patrick Stewart.

Which is weird.

[laughs]

[the pig head]
You might want to unpack that.

[chuckles]

[Shah] No, no, no. Don't go.

No-- We're a team, okay?

[the pig head] Good luck without me.

[weakly] Dickhead.

Hey...

Hey.

Hey!

[sombre music playing]

♪ And that's just the price of it all ♪

♪ That's just the price of it all ♪

♪ It's written on these walls ♪

♪ Through the rise and fall ♪

♪ I know I can't pretend
That this will never end ♪

♪ If in the end we die
Then our loss... ♪

♪ Well, that's just the price of it all ♪