01x02 - Evil Under the Bun

[bunniefuu]

Two households,
both alike in dignity,

in fair lancashire,
where we lay our scene,

from ancient grudge
break to new mutiny,

where civil blood makes
civil hands unclean.

But soft, what light through
yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and
Juliet is the sun.

Romeo, Romeo,
wherefore art thou, Romeo?

It's a load of old crap,
innit? "Romeo and Juliet?"

If I wanna watch a
couple of teenagers

have a fallout
with their parents,

I'll just watch "hollyoaks."

Yeah, it's really
overrated, Shakespeare.

They all harp on about him,

but it's hardly
'death in paradise'.

Now that is an
hard-hitting drama.

Deny thy father
and refuse thy name.

Can someone have
a look at this balcony?

- It's wobbly.

It had better not
wobble on the night.

Can we find which
of the volunteers

built this and sack them?

Is she not a bit old
to be playing, Juliet?

If she can't see wherefore
art her Romeo is,

she should put her
distance glasses on.

This is mild. A few years
back she was Annie.

'Tis but thy name
that is my enemy.

Thou at thyself,
will not aim unto you.

- Sam!

- Sam! Sam!

And what does her
majesty request this time?

An ice swan in
your dressing room?

Sam, I cannot give
a satisfactory Juliet

if I'm offering it
from a loose box.

- Who could, dear.

Oh, my sides, they're burning.

- He's good.

- Bernard.
- I've been poisoned!

Bernard, your character
doesn't die. Does he?

Hang on, he's not mucking about.

No, he's inhabiting
the character.

But you'd have a bigger part

if you hadn't done such
a bloody awful audition.

This is amateur
dramatics, be professional.

Ignore her, Bernard, your
audition was fine, as was mine.

I'd be Romeo if this
talentless idiot's dad

wasn't sponsoring the play.

Right, how can I
be talentless, Sam,

if I get the lead in every play
that my dad sponsors, hmm?

It's all right, everyone,
I'm a nurse, I can help.

Yeah, you're just
playing a nurse, Stacey.

Stop being so method,
you work in a chip shop!

You are brilliant!

You'd better call an ambulance.

I really think he's
been poisoned.

Everybody just be calm,
there's no need for drama.

- There's been a m*rder!

The victim is 52
years old, male,

- no known enemies.

The poison seems to have
caused some digestive distress,

'cause he's emptied
himself, twice.

She's right, cleaners
back there in tears.

Monica said that two bakeries
provided the backstage food.

Looks like one of them
served up poisoned goods.

I'm the actual
copper here, Gemma.

I say those things, thank you!

- Well, well, well,

the day has finally
come, mr Montgomery,

that your baking
has k*lled someone!

Don't you dare
accuse me, caplan!

Must have been one
of your manky brownies!

Montgomery's your poisoner!

All right, let's keep
things friendly.

Accusations like that

will lead to a very painful
end for you, caplan!

Oh, is that right?

Come on son, I
will roll you out flat!

Right.

Looks like he's brought a
spoon to a rolling pin fight.

Ooh, I've got fourteen
inches of solid, British elm.

Is that elm? It
looks like ash to me.

Well, it might be ash.

There's an inspector morse
episode about this, "am dram."

We could be watching it.

What you on about?

You said that I
should learn all I could

about investigative methodology.

- Yeah.
- So I have,

been watching box sets
while you're at hot yoga.

Do you want this!? Oh yeah?

Go on, I dare you!

- Yeah, yeah!
- Do you?! Yeah?!

Yeah!

Gentlemen, please,
I'm asking you

to behave like
calm, rational bakers.

- Dad!
- Dad!

Leave it, he's not worth it.

Dad, no rolling pins
in public, come on.

I'm trusting you two to
take your dads home.

If there's an actual crime here,

the police will do
what we do best.

We'll get round to it.

Get round to it?

Listen, it's quite
straightforward,

arrest him and close his bakery.

Oh, hold me back, hold me back.

- Can you smell that?
- Yeah, bullsh.

No, money.

Gentlemen, hi, hi, hi.

We might be able to help
you with your little problem.

This might be the time for
you to engage in the services

of the north's most
underrated investigators.

She's right, we've
been rated very badly

by a lot of people.

This sounds like industrial
espionage and you're in luck,

'cause that's something
in which we are experts,

says so on our website.

- Does it?
- Well, it will do by morning.

All right, fine,
meet me at bakery

first thing tomorrow morning

and we'll get to the
bottom of how he done this!

Oh, hang on a minute!

If you're working for him,
you'll be biassed against me,

I'm not having that.

I'm hiring you too, yeah,
I'll see you tomorrow.

- See 'em, cappy.
- I'm not sure

if it's ethical investigating
your own client.

Oh ethical smethical!

Two cases in one
day, Terry, jackpot!

And if we're really lucky,

this whole thing is
gonna get a lot worse...

And now the games begin.

- I'm back.

The looks you get when
you haven't got a bag for life!

Oh, Terry, your friend's here.

Hiya.

Oh god, no!

Terry, you never told me
you had such a funny friend.

Simon, you are hilarious. He is.

Well, there'll be loads of stuff

he's not told you about, Gemma.

I don't suppose he's
told you about the time

when he lost all his savings
on a pyramid scheme

selling actual pyramids, did he?

That were your scheme.

You told me pyramids were
the house-shape of the future.

- Said I'd be a pharaoh.

- Aah!
- Or the time we graduated

from coach driving
school together.

On his first day,

I put superglue on
the clip of his seatbelt.

He drove all the way
from wales to Edinburgh,

couldn't get out to
go to the toilet once!

I had to pee in my shoe
and throw it out of the window.

Sorry, Terry's a
little bit jealous,

because I'm a bit of
a free spirit, you know.

I mean, I know
where I was yesterday,

but I don't know where
I'll be tomorrow, you know.

When did you get out of prison?

Er, yesterday, yeah.

Prison? Oh, Simon,
what happened?

I am the victim of
identity theft, yeah, yeah,

someone had been posing as
me and, well they'd only gone

and not paid my
tax for seven years.

- That is awful.

Yes, yeah, quite
a daunting amount

of credit card fraud as well,

but I think most
heart-breaking of all

was waiting for my best mate

to show up to act as a
character witness for me,

but er, he never
came, did he, Terry?

- No.
- Terry?

As an actor, I fake
many identities,

but I only ever use
my powers for good.

An actor! Oh yes, of course.

Do you know, I sensed a
certain creative essence

in the room, I did.

That's a glade plugin.

Terry, I'm getting
a real negative vibe

from you right now.

Look, I just heard that
your coach had blown up

and I just wanted to make
sure you were all right.

See? Terry, that's
what friends do.

Simon has turned
up for you. Thank you.

So, did you have all your
insurance papers in order?

Let me save you some time.

I am skint, Gemma's
skint, we're both skint.

So you've had a bit
of a wasted journey.

I'm not skint.

I mean, I'm not well off,

but um, well i'd
say I'm comfortable.

- So, an actor? Wow!
- Oh.

Well, listen, if you are
doing any productions,

you know, I'd love to help out.

Gemma, I can feel my wing
taking somebody under it.

See Terry? Friends.

Right, you take
monty's, I'll take caplan's.

This is an in-depth
investigation.

What's their
security system like?

Who's got access
to the products?

Have they upset anyone
lately? Are you ready?

Gemma, i'm
investigating a bakery.

Never been more ready.

Hmm, oh, hmm.

Yeah, this one's all right too.

Do you intend to taste very
single product we make?

Monty, a man's in hospital,

possibly because
of eating your food.

I'd have to be an idiot

not to want to check
everything personally, hmm.

This is Gemma draper.

Interview 1 with Phillip
caplan, also known as cappy,

at the café at caplan's bakery.

The weather is overcast,
I'm drinking a coffee,

cappy's got a water, I've
got my lucky jumper on,

cappy's looking confused.

Right, So, firstly, cappy,
do you have any enemies?

Oh, yes, you met him last night.

Marshall 'monty'
Montgomery, awful man,

owner of an even more
awful bakery, with an idiot son.

Our families were
lifelong rivals.

The feud began 100 years ago,

when our great, great
grandfathers started a w*r.

They couldn't agree on what
goods each bakery could produce,

but as the jams spilt
and the bodies piled up,

it were clear they'd
forgotten the baker's motto,

"live and let sieve," until
eventually they called a truce.

So, it was decided that
Montgomery's would do sweets

and caplan's would do savouries.

- Mm-hm.
- Fine, but, the caplans

have always been an angry,
bitter, jealous little bunch.

Monty seems pretty sure
you're jealous of his success.

Oh, what a load of old horse.

Shiitake mushroom and
butternut squash surprise.

That's what kicked
it all off again.

Now, I know that, strictly
speaking, it's not a sweet,

but I only done 'em for a trial.

I tried to tell him,
but he couldn't give a-

focaccia, yeah?

He were selling focaccia
as well. Did he tell you that?

That's breaking
the rules, that is,

made me look a
right stupid coun-

country pie!

If he keeps accusing
me of breaking the rules,

I'll make a country pie that'll
blow him out of the water.

He needs taking down
a peg or two anyway.

Puts all sorts in
them savouries,

cheese, peas, it's disgusting.

- Excuse me.

- Hello, Montgomery's.

Oh, no, I think there
must be some mist...

I'll never
use your bakery again.

Oh well, i'm, i'm
very sorry about that.

It was unbelievable!

- Dad? What's wrong?

Apparently, our gingerbread
men have got pubic hair!

Happens, when they get older.

How could you let
this happen, ray?

I mean we're losing
money hand over fist here.

I've just upped the insurance,
the premiums are k*lling me.

God, you're such an idiot, boy.

According
to the grapevine,

old monty's gingerbread
men have just come of age!

Well if this gets out, there's
no way he gets that unit

in the new shopping centre.

Ah, is that gonna be
a shopping centre?

Gutted, I had my fingers
crossed for an Ikea.

Well, they'll only
allow one bakery,

and we both put bids in.

Julie, looks like
we're expanding!

Dad, that was the hepburn
funeral, the one we catered for,

the cornish pasties, they're
filled with corn plasters.

- What?
- Ugh.

- No!
- They want their money back.

I'm sorry, Gemma, we'll
have to continue this later.

Yeah, of course.

If he wants a
w*r, I'll give him a w*r!

Calm down, dad,

everything's
going to be all right.

Hello?

Now what are you doing here?

I hate him so much!

- Dad, please, not again.

Oh, monty.

So basically there's loads
of evidence both accusing

and exonerating both
of our main suspects.

I mean, this is
classic "bergerac."

They both want that new
unit in the shopping centre.

One's got insurance
and money worries,

the other's got a
security pass for his rival.

I just wish they'd
k*lled someone,

it's always so much
easier with a m*rder.

Well, sadly Bernard's
only in a coma.

It's neither one thing
or the other, is it?

Bloody selfish is what it is.

Right, Monica's having drinks
with the cast, we'll pop in,

see if we can see
any potential suspects,

then after that, we're
doing our first stake-out.

Don't you mean 'steak bake-out'?

No.

Do we really have to go to this?

Yes, Terry, it's a
professional investigation,

which, thankfully,
will involve prosecco.

All right Simon,

- taking a little breather?
- Hmm.

Our Monica's quite
a handful, isn't she?

Yeah, yeah, she's got quite, er,

intense energy about
her, doesn't she?

And her voice, it's quite erm-

- grating?
- Yes.

But, you know, in a good way,

you know, it's like she's
relentlessly grating off

the harsh outer shell
of my heart, you know.

Aww.

Why don't you just
go and do one, yeah?

You're nowt but a
con-man and a thief.

I think we need to
clear a few things up.

You could have helped me out,

could have stood up for me
in court when I needed you,

but you didn't, and my life
was taken away from me,

so you owe me a new life.

What, with Monica? You're
punishing yourself, mate.

Terry, Monica is
a lovely person,

and I can see us being very
happy together in her big house,

watching her big telly while
you keep your big mouth shut.

Well, I'll tell her, and Gemma,

I'll tell them the
truth about you,

then you'll be
buggered, won't you?

- Really?
- Ah-ha.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, well since we're
all about telling the truth,

how do you think
Gemma's gonna react

when I tell her about
what me and you

Got up to in Dubrovnik?

No, I was
a different man then.

That's not how Gemma's
gonna see it, though, is it?

So if you just keep
schtum, let me do my thing,

no one needs to
know, all right?

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

- My poor tummy!
- What's going on here?

They're all being sick,
very amateur dramatically.

It's a claw, birds'
claws in all the pasties,

they're poisoning actors.

A curse is on all of our houses.

Bravo, Monica, not only
have you robbed yourself

and the audience, might I
add, of my portrayal of Romeo,

you've poisoned the cast, twice!

I'll get my dinner
elsewhere, thank you.

Somewhere that hasn't got
butt-holes in the profiteroles!

But I got these from caplans,

I didn't ask for
the bird claw ones.

Do you think that's why
they were on special offer?

Well, Sam's on
the list of suspects.

Stacey's producing plenty
of evidence. Come on.

Do you think we
should buy a car?

Who goes on a
stakeout in deck chairs?

Shut up and keep
rubbing your hands.

- Why am I wearing this?
- To blend in.

Gemma, the only
way we'd blend in

is in a pool with
massive tadpoles.

We're gonna sit here all
night and catch the poisoner.

Right, we're needing this then.

Oh.

Here's drink, I drink to thee.

Is that a Shakespeare quote?

Hmm, Shakespeare couldn't
help himself writing quotes.

Well, this is just coffee.

Well, coffee with a
bit of an Irish twist to it.

Oh.

Ooh, Irish?

It's liquid bloody
"riverdance," that!

But more importantly, it'll
keep us awake and alert.

Yeah.

You are my
special little muffin.

Well, you give
me the cream horn.

Oh, really? Are you after
having a cinnamon roll with me?

You know it.

I just want us to be
together, in front of everyone.

Me too, but not with all
this poisonous stuff going on,

it's too soon.

Meanwhile, why don't we...

-Oh, Julie, glaze
me, -

Glaze me like I've
never been glazed before!

I'll go and make some syrup

and I want that doughnut to
be right there when I get back.

Don't be long,
sweet-cheeks, miss you already.

- Terry, Terry!

Can we please
just have another coffee,

and think about this?

Come on, down here.

Yeah, towards the creepy
music, always with the towards.

Oh, Terry, he's got a doughnut.

Well, technically, it's got him.

What are you doing here?

Oh, now that's just showing off.

Please, you cannot tell my
father, he won't understand.

You don't know what he's like.

Come on, after him.

But, Gemma, he's half corked!

Where'd he go? Ray?

Oh, well this is great,
we've sat here all night

and all we've uncovered is
one naked baker.

Gemma, I saw a man
violate a doughnut tonight.

A doughnut? I mean,
those are sacred.

It's days like this I wonder,

shouldn't we just go back
to running coach trips?

I mean, are we sure
about the investigating?

Yes, Terry, we're sure.
We decided, remember?

I remember the decision,
I mean I were there,

just not sure how involved
I was in the making of it.

You said, "whatever
makes you happy."

Look at me, I'm happy,

it's the best decision
you've ever made.

Come on then, let's go
home, we've blown our cover.

All right, just so you know,

I read in "Cosmopolitan"
that two doughnuts

is the size that the
average woman enjoys.

- It's three.

Terry thinks we're
having an affair, Monica.

I keep telling him,
we are just friends.

I mean, do I long for my
lips to dance across hers?

Of course, I'd be stupid not to.

But, if stupid is what it
takes, then that's what I'll be.

Simon, you'll set my
heart racing.

Could you be any
more transparent.

- Eh?
- You heard.

You know, this
whole poisoning thing

could be a conspiracy to stop
me doing my amazing play.

Well, it could be me then,
I mean, it could be Simon.

This poisoning all started
when you showed up.

It's Sam, the little boy who
always wanted to be Romeo

and doesn't care who
he hurts to get the part.

You're letting this idea
run away with itself.

Probably, yes, but we've
got nothing else to go on.

Gemma, I'd advise caution.

In the amateur dramatic
episode of "Hamish Macbeth-"

it's bad luck to
say Macbeth! Oh.

Oh, never mind that.

Come on, let's go and
search Sam's room.

Eh, Gemma,
I don't do carrying.

So, shall we go
through your lines

in your dressing room, then?

I mean, after all,
that's all we can do,

I mean, anything else
would be very very naughty.

You devil!

Terry, stay at the door.

Sam was really
angry at the party,

if he gets here and attacks,

I want you as a buffer
between him and me.

Is that all I am, a buffer?

Terry, you're a lot
of things to me and, yeah,

yeah yeah, in this
case you're a buffer.

Oh, that's pretty.

Aah.

What's going on?

Oh, I think you know,
corn plasters, pubic hairs,

that's what's going on.

How did you get that many?
Must have taken you years.

I bet you're smooth
as butter down there.

You can't pin those pubes on me.

Your poisoning
days are over, Sam.

You tried to take
down two bakeries!

Two bakeries, who hurt you?

Are you mad?! Why would I
wanna poison baked goods?

Revenge, for not
getting a part in the play.

You've got
delusions of grandeur.

That, coupled with
psychotic cooking tendencies,

you might as well be
Gordon ramsay himself.

Oh, my god, I'm
good at this, nailed it.

Get out of my way,
I said out of my way!

Where is that
blithering idiot, ray?

My Julie has gone missing.

She wasn't in work
today, but I found this photo

in her bedroom of her and
that son of a baker, look!

Oh Jesus Christ!

Dear god, they're
using an eclair this time!

That's not even my bag!

- Terry, buffer!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh give over, look, it's
Ray's bag, you idiots!

Look, it's got his name in it.

Oh.

- What?
- Ray is our saboteur!

He's ruining his
own dad's business?

He hates working in that bakery.

His dad treats him like
dirt, everyone knows that.

Everybody knows that!

They do this on
"lovejoy" quite a lot.

- Yeah?
- The son destroys the father.

- Mm.
- I mean, it must lead

to a lot of awkward
Christmas dinners,

but like they don't
really talk about it,

'cause it's not plot-driven or.

Where does my
Julie fit in with all this?

Because both you and
monty forbid their love.

God, it's so romantic,
it's like Shakespeare,

but with bakers.

Don't you mean bakespeare?

He's ruining the bakeries
so they can both be free.

Don't worry, we'll find him.

I have a good idea
where to start looking.

Quick, come on.

I've got a stitch!

I know exactly where he is.

Someone let me out, please!

Down there, that flour thingy,

he must have climbed
in and got stuck.

Yeah, like some sort of
weird sexual flour fetish thing.

Well, I was thinking more
like when he was cleaning it,

but your theory
sounds far more likely.

- Help me, help!

Help, help me! Oh no,
someone let me out, please!

Help me get me out, please!

- The door, open the door!

It says not to open it!

I'm about to drown in flour!
The wheel, use the wheel.

Terry, the wheel.

Go, go!

Oh, let
me out, please! No!

We found your
packet of pubes, ray.

We know you're the culprit.

It wasn't me.

Pubes don't lie,
ray, pubes don't lie.

I, I was just doing
what I was told.

Told? By who?

Julie?!

She said if I let her
poison the food here,

she'd do the same
at her dad's place

and then we could
open up our own bakery

in the shopping centre,
and like run it together.

But I told her she
was going too far.

So she threw you
in the flour vat?

No, she told me there
was a fiver in here.

I went after it and she
locked it and started filling it.

How did she think she'd
get away with k*lling you?

Oh, I'm always
getting stuck in here.

Cleaning it?

No, I, I like the
way it feels on my...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, cleaning it.

- Told you.
- Yeah.

She's spiked the
flapjacks with prawns,

- we've gotta stop her!
- Prawns?

Monica, she's allergic
to shellfish, she could die!

I've got the bakery
Van, let's go.

It's all right, I'll drive,

I used to be a skilled,
professional driver.

If you don't count all
the points on my licence.

Go, go, go, go!

Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on!

Ladies
and gentlemen,

we apologise for the use
of an understudy in part 1.

We also apologise for the
quality of his performance.

Thanks for stepping in to
cover for ray, wherever he is.

Hey, not a problem.

I didn't, I didn't expect
them to laugh so much.

Oh, they weren't
laughing at you,

they were laughing towards you.

I get that a lot, as an actor,

audiences just love to
fling their joy all over me.

You're doing a great job.

Why thank you, my Juliet. And
may I dare say new landlady?

That is of course providing I
do manage to land the lady.

No, we mustn't, we mustn't.

Oh, my hero.

can this not go any faster?

Look, she's built for
comfort, not speed,

bit like me, and him.

two minutes 'til we're
back on, Monica.

poison, I see, hath
been his timeless end.

Stop the play!

Finally,
about bloody time!

Oh Monica, thank
god you're all right.

Of course I am, I
mean, I'm sweating a bit,

but I think the
lights are just hot.

Where's Julie caplan?

- Sam, lights!

Hey, Julie, we've
just found ray.

Drowning in flour.

Wanna bet the police
won't find your fingerprints

on the handle of the flour vat,

or on this security
pass for monty's?

We've got you, Julie, your
poisoning days are over.

Oh, you think you're so
clever, don't you, Gemma?

I knew it as soon
as I laid eyes on you.

I get by.

She's level 2 sudoku actually.

Julie, you did this?

You don't want the
bakery when I'm gone?

My yeast will become your yeast.

She wants a fresh start
in the shopping centre.

She wants recognition,
adoration, free on-site parking.

He's right, dad, I don't
wanna waste my whole life

staring across at
my enemy, oh, no,

I'm going to be looking
at my own bright future,

not your dull past.

I'm gonna be staring
across at a cobbler

that also cuts keys.

Is she
okay? Oh my god!

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh, she's all swelled-up.

I ate the flapjack.

Has anyone got an epipen?

Oh, Stacey has, I went
through her bag earlier.

- Right, stace.
- Is it bad?

'Cause I always wanted to
have lip-fillers. Does it suit me?

Yeah, yeah, they do.

Oh, you're a good sister, Gemma,

and maybe now
you'll be the favourite.

You were never the favourite,

mum always said we were equal.

She only said
that when you were there.

- Hmm.
- When you were gone,

she said it was...

It was me.

- Oh, no, no!

No, no, no!

Shift!

Simon, you saved my life!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

You go and get
that little witch.

Kids, eh?

Julie, wait!

Julie, stop!

bloody stitch!

this is it, Julie,
the end of the line,

time to give it up.

That's who she
reminds me of, Juliet!

I think everyone's
already got the reference

- to Shakespeare.
- No, Juliet bravo,

series 3, episode
4, "amateur night."

Not now, Terry.

Julie!

Go, go, go, go, go up.

Oh my god!

- no.
- Easy now, Julie,

you don't wanna do something
you won't live to regret,

oh no, that's not right, is it?

What I mean to say-

what she's tryna
say is, don't jump!

Yes, that's it, don't jump! Ssh.

Julie, we can make it work.

If you go to prison, I'll
wait, no matter how long,

and I forgive you,
for everything,

for destroying my family
business, attempted m*rder.

I love you.

Way to go, mate, play it cool.

No, ray, you need
someone better.

Hey, don't you say that,

you're plenty good
enough for him.

I mean, he's hardly

the brightest sparkler
in the packet, is he?

You run rings around him.

I say, don't jump, you'll
find someone much better.

- Here, hang on.
- I'm trying to save her life!

You're the only
one for me, Julie.

You make my skin crawl, ray.

Every time we made love, I
thought I was going to be sick!

You probably just ate
too many doughnuts.

Look, I was gonna
do this earlier,

but then you locked me in
a flour vat in a bid to k*ll me.

Er, so-

oh, look.

Julie caplan, will you marry me?

No!

Oh, well, at least
she didn't say no.

I, I can't live without her.

Hey, hang on, mate, she
isn't worth topping yourself for!

She tricked you into destroying

everything your
families had worked for.

She admitted to all of us

that sex with you
turned her stomach!

Ray, wait, just let me
say one more thing.

No. Julie, Julie, I love you!

Look before you leap is
quite literally the lesson here.

Oh, oh, sorry, Julie.

Get off me, ray.

Ray, if you still love her-

I do.

You might wanna help her
get down off that waggon.

Oh yeah, right.

I knew I could rely on you.

I needed you and you were there.

Hey, hey, I will be
there for all of you,

no matter how long it takes,

'til your head returns
to a normal size.

Yeah.

Terry and Gemma get
their insurance payout.

Oh that, yeah, Gemma
said that could take months.

Months? Er, yeah,
that's fine, it can wait.

Although, Gemma also
said they might never pay up,

so we'll be together forever,
And ever and ever.

Aah. Oh, oh I've just
remembered, I think...

Yeah, I think I left
my jacket in your car.

Can I grab your car
keys and go and get it?

Yeah, of course
you can, they're, erm-

yeah, I know where they
are, I was just being polite.

Oh, he's such a gent.

As much as I want to thank
you for stopping Monica's play,

you are going away for
a very, very long time.

And I'll come and visit
you every week, in prison.

Can you take me
back up to the roof?

- I'd like to try again.

I love you, Julie.

Thanks for
paying for the taxi.

Simon texted to, erm,

to say it's time for
his heart to wander,

and he needs my car to do that,

so he'll bring it back
when the wander's over.

I can feel a big cry coming
on, and maybe some wine.

Well, I never liked him, no.
Why are you even friends?

He's nothing like you.

Your heart doesn't wanna wander,

- does it?
- Mine?

No, my heart finds what it
wants, nestles into a comfy sofa,

offers another liquid
"riverdance" coffee.

Ooh.

If my lady could be
tempted by such a thing.

Hey, let's not rub our
happiness in Monica's face, eh?

We don't wanna make her jealous.

Terry, that's an
awful thing to say.

I might be heartbroken,
but I could never be jealous

of the happiness you and
Gemma share together, never.

- Aww.
- Because people like you

usually end up all alone
for your entire lives.

Quite sad really.

Gemma, could we-

feed her prawns in her sleep?

- Yeah.
- All right then.